#Weird idea poorly executed blah blah blah

[circle-bircle]

YAY, so *deep breath* ill be going from chapter to chapter, if you dont mind:p bc i feel like it's going to get messy, if i try to talk about everything at the same time.

CHAPTER ONE - first of all, THE WAY YOU WRITE Y/N AS A CHARACTER???? im at a loss of words (in a positive manner ofc!!).

:::::::i have no idea whether its the fault of all those works of fiction that i had to force myself to read IN ORDER TO consume at least a bit of rare content for certain of my hyperfixations, but whenever I see a signs of ,,no, this character isn't going to start screaming and crying, generally making their situation worse, because of their stupid perception of having good luck on their side blah blah blah making even mOre stupid escape plan and then be mad when it unsurprisingly doesnt work out- like,,, yes, jennifer, you do have the absolute right to cope with such situation like that, but please just cease your noise for at least a second and use your brain!!" i buRST with happiness. i'll go more on about ,,why??" in the next rants, because ill kinda have more to go off from:3

also, the line "You should lie, but this man seems like someone who would trust you and your word until the day he dies",,,,,,circle,,,,,were you kinda fore-shadowing,,,,because now that i re-read it, it feels like what mateus kinda did til the very last chapter,,,,,,

nEXT, i adore the biting/feeding descriptions (as weird as that sounds-). it's just so,,, mateus-like, meaning GREEDY AF, rough, obnoxious and oh-so-abrupt (at least for y/n lol). i liked that a lot. and then,,, the atmosphere change, i felt as if those were the main indication of there being,,, a possibly,,, more-or-less romantic,,, relationship? if it's possible to call it that. ////:::well, mateus somewhat seems to believe, through most of the chapters, that it is a connection of this sort. bUt, the atmosphere changes - the way his expression softens, his tone of voice alternates when speaking to y/n, the small affection tokens (that kind of progress along with the story), the petnames?? spectacular.

last but not least for this chapter's coverage, i'm coming back for a second to y/n as the character - i loVe that she basically admits that she's treated,, more-or-less well in her predicament, the only thing bothering her being the lack of companionship and pure boredom //not a backstory of abuse, depression and dependancy that for reasons unexplained still want to make her come back to her own home, as it usually happens- bc as sad as it can sometimes get, its awfully repetitive, poorly executed and just plainly boring at times//. the line about how the escape could actually be awfully easy, due to mateus seemingly trusting her or just having a good excuse, in case if she was caught was a gReat addition, because,,,, it's really all it takes, doesn't it? the circumstances she found herself in are,,, well,, crazy??? so, it wouldn't hurt - that much - to at least hatch a bit lacking of details, a bit messy, but still better than just straight up spitting in the bastard man's eye and making a run for it RIGHT BEFORE HIM AND HIS SERVANT (i mean, leon DIDNT see us leave, he says to us,,, as we leave,,,but if mateus were there to witness that too,, he wouldnt do so, lets be honest)

(i am sO sorry if its too long aND messy, but i was writing it in the sprout of a moment and right after waking up!! chapter 2 will be a cleaner take,,, i think)

My reply will be under the read more. Because I don’t know how Tumblr cuts it off anymore and. I’m mildly courteous sometimes :P

As I wrote INI, I wanted two things the most:

1. Mateus is hot.

2. Y/N is a mildly normal person. 

I don’t know who is reading on the other side of the screen. I don’t know who doesn’t have a parent, who does, who was homeless and lived in a cardboard box out in the country for his/her life. While I did want it to read like a Wattpad fic (I Fall In Love With The Hot Vampire That Takes Me Captive!?!!!?111?) I also didn’t want Y/N to be absolutely stupid. Generalizing what a normal experience might be seemed to be the smartest thing to do.

While Leon is definitely more ‘human’ due to his circumstances, Mateus only wants loyalty and a ‘bloodbag’ he can keep. I didn’t see Y/N falling in love with either of them as I wrote. As the story progresses with her first escape attempt, I knew I wanted her to be a functioning member of society.

I also didn’t want it to be like, ‘oh Y/N got kicked out of her apartment and now she’s homeless and x, x, x, happened to her OHHH LOOK AT HER!!!1!’ that’s silly (even if it would be accurate to what it would be like if INI was taking place in the real world). I think the isolation would be the worst part of living with them, especially in the beginning - Y/N isn’t nocturnal, she doesn’t want to be there, she’s attempting to be as neutral as possible. But also it’s a reader-insert so what can you do? 

I feel like Mateus would be the nicest during feeding sessions. I mean, HE’S getting what are endorphins and nutrition from your blood. You’re weak from the draining and now you’re all sweet and pliant! He’d really enjoy that, and would especially enjoy confusing you and riling you when you can’t do anything <3 

I feel like I missed things to cover, but oh well? :p

[thesinglesjukebox]

KATY PERRY FT. MIGOS - BON APPETIT [3.53] In which the Jukebox is told it's not getting any dessert until it's finished its Monday singles...

Rachel Bowles: Musing about cunnilingus is the finest thing a person can do, if she's good at it. Narrowed down to just vagina-as-food songs, Perry's extended mixed-metaphor is still easily outclassed, even by Iggy Azalea. As evidenced in this list, cunnilingus anthems have been largely pioneered and perfected by Black women (Janet Jackson, Lil Kim, TLC, etc.) those with the double curse of misogynoir proudly contradicting the patriarchal capitalist message that vaginas are disgusting and only for fucking. A good cunnilingus song makes women high five on dance floors, feel sexy and genuinely empowered. Personally, I prefer obscene instructional songs (Khia, "My Neck, My Back") over those with faux-coquettish metaphor (Christina Aguilera ft. Nicki Minaj, "Woohoo") but in Blow, Beyonce found the perfect balance: sexy imagery with a direct order, delivered with female solidarity in the echoed "Turn that cherry out!" "Got me spread like a buffet" to some generic summer EDM synths just doesn't compare. [3]

Iain Mew: Weird to hear a Katy Perry single where the lyrical issue isn't awkwardly cramming in sexual references, so much as incoherence as a result of failing to properly commit to the obvious cunnilingus angle. The low-key sweetness of the production and her restraint still makes it a better listen than most, and the two note-four note hop-skip in the chorus works even better than it did in Anne-Marie's "Ciao Adios." [6]

Katherine St Asaph: Christ, without Bonnie McKee's involvement Katy Perry really does go right back to One of the Boys leftovers with an Anne-Marie melody. In a just world, such a demonstration of value over replacement songwriter would earn McKee something, like maybe, I don't know, sales. In this one we get midtempo blahs I guess are supposed to signify sexiness, a cursory Migos feature fresh off their Capitol signing, and likely not even a hit to show for it. [2]

Danilo Bortoli: Fabricating hatred has never been easier in 2017. "Bon Appetit" might have received all the negative press it deserves, but that happened for all the wrong reasons. Over time, however, consensus was formed: this is the most soulless Katy has been in years. Nothing works. Migos are out of place here (as a solo version proves). And, of course, the track seems like the result of a pun contest's last place entry (apparently, this is a real and tasteless thing). No joke intended -- but the song itself, that is. [2]

Alfred Soto: "Five-star Michelin," eh? I'll say this about Katy's latest amuse-bouche: it follows through on its conceit. Confirming their A-list status, Migos gets relegated to muttered quavering non-entities. [5]

Scott Mildenhall: You might feel differently, but Katy Perry singing "got me spread like a buffet" just has to be one of the worst musical moments of the year so far. As extended metaphors go, this one is executed very badly. "Table for two... I'm on the menu" -- is she advocating autocannibalism? "Bon Appetit" has the ridiculousness of Perry's worst, most affectedly wacky singles, yet sounds like it's being played with a straight face, and that's quite a weird place to be. The shimmering production is enjoyable, but the words are so egregious that they're hard to ignore. [4]

Cassy Gress: This is arguably the least sexy sex song I've ever heard. Katy Perry is singing through an A/C window unit, the song just rocks back and forth between B♭ minor and B major with no resolution, Migos stops by and contributes virtually nothing, and it's a bit too close to "GOBBLE GOBBLE" for comfort for me. It manages to come off as clinical despite never explicitly referencing sex; I know I'm sort of squeamish about sex talk, but blugh. I'd rather listen to "Touch It." [1]

William John: Katy Perry whispering unsexy, overwrought metaphors over boilerplate house reads poorly as a primer, but remains a more tantalising proposition than faded xeroxes of 80s synthpop with vacant "let's save the world" platitudes. A few extra marks for the intermittent whoops, which nod reverently to Crazy Cousins' classic "Inflation" (at least in my head) and Migos, who may have phoned in their guest spot but deliver it lithely nonetheless. [5]

Katie Gill: Turns out "Chained to the Rhythm" was just a fluke! No, Katy Perry's going to continue to make songs about sex with dumb metaphors stretched to high heaven, warped into near unrecognition. It's an even tackier version of "Birthday", where the best thing is the Migos break and the worst thing is the impossibly tacky dancehall stylings. Possibly the most interesting thing about this song is the cannibalistic implications -- "I'm on the menu"? Really? -- which has the potential to be thought provoking, so of course that means Perry's going to ignore it. [3]

Joshua Copperman: Between "lemiteiku" and "the worldsbestcherryPIe", this melodic math was a bit miscalculated. And that's before the chorus, which is possibly the worst Katy Perry melody ever, even counting "This Is How We Do". Unusual for Max Martin, as far as I can tell, the chord progression is limited to B♭m-B the whole way through -- apparently they couldn't even be bothered to use four chords. Migos' verses aren't bad, and I smiled at "appetite for seduction," but those are all the positives I could think of for this half-assed song that makes me wish a portmanteau of somnambulance and cannibalism was possible (somnamibalism?). I assumed that "Bon Appetit" would grow on me over the summer, but as it's currently flopping after just one week of existence, I'll never even get the opportunity to hate-then-enjoy it. [3]

Will Adams: Against my better judgment, I clicked on the Tasty video in which Katy Perry prepares the "world's best cherry pie" (take: this is an impossible task because there's no such thing as a cherry pie that's anything but gross). But my regret soon turned into high enjoyment as I listened to Katy ramble incoherently in some misguided attempt to create a Genius annotation live. As with "Chained to the Rhythm," there's so much effort to legitimize the nonsense pouring out of her mouth: 1. She claims there are "easter eggs" in the lyrics; I think she just means euphemisms. 2. What the hell kind of songs has she heard where "cherry pie" was not sexualized? 3. That she's trying to connect this to the cherry Chapstick in "I Kissed a Girl" shows she still hasn't realized she should probably disown that song. It's all so tiresome; "Birthday" worked because it leaned into the cheesiness, but "Bon Appetit" goes serious with its Cobb salad of food-based innuendo, a concept I've rarely heard executed well. Fold in some perfunctory Migos, overdress with the entire world's supply of reverb, and... oh fuck, now I'm doing it. [4]

Anthony Easton: I adore the gossip about Perry's fighting around her new aesthetic with the label, who apparently is worried about sales. I have no idea if this will revive her fortunes; it's not quite anonymous, but it pushes her against Migos, and Migos wins -- working against each other, doubling down on a cryptic chorus, becoming very close to being a hook singer. It's not sexy, even if it is about sex, and this kind of disembodied paen to the abstract idea of desire complicates Perry's previous perceptions. It's not quite a meal, but it does seem to have that vague whiff of nausea after eating too much candy. [8]

Thomas Inskeep: I guess, seeing that "woke Katy" didn't exactly burn up the charts, her camp/label/some-combo-thereof decided "we better go back to the clumsy sex songs, fast!" Because, you know, nothing's sexier than hearing someone say they're "spread like a buffet." (Pardon me while I throw up a little in my mouth.) I'm sad to hear Migos doing a clear cash-in bridge rap here, because they're so much better than this. Max Martin and Shellback's track isn't bad, but it's sonically awfully slight. Ironic to hear Perry saying "bon appetit," because there's no major pop star whose music I find less appetizing. [1]

Edward Okulicz: Pop stars get hot but they don't stay hot forever, and if this uninteresting ode to Katy Perry's vagina returns her to the top spot, then there is no explanation other than massive amounts of payola and a bunch of Capitol Records interns doing nothing but stream this 24 hours a day. I couldn't last 24 minutes of the title's non-punchline squeezed, against the laws of nature, into this non-chorus. [2]

Jonathan Bradley: I have a Spotify playlist of Katy Perry songs that runs for about 50 minutes. That's not an extensive running time for a ten year long career, but it contains some songs that are very good and some songs that are very stupid and also some songs that are very good and very stupid at the same time. Perry has had five songs off a single album reach the top of the Billboard Hot 100 -- as well as a sixth from a re-issued version. She's been risible and racist and homophobic and "woke" and "inspirational" and fantastic, and even birthed a meme from her Super Bowl performance, but on "Bon Appetit," she's nothing. This is a public-domain club groove and a Migos verse that couldn't deliver the rap group unto dance even as effectively as Calvin Harris did. If, immediately after "Ur So Gay" dropped, someone time-travelled to 2017, could you convince them off the strength of this single that, in the interim decade, Katy Perry had been one of America's biggest pop stars? [4]

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