#a bday to remember :3 cuz i also got a chance to go out with some friends!!!! lovely day!!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kakahut · 7 years

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I found this song by accident after not sleeping well last night because of some butterfly feelings I have in my stomach. It is such a mellow song to listen on a rainy night.

I got a text message from Daniel last night. He replied to commenting on my painting I did after our first date. And three days later, my mom told me she divorced my dad. It was an interesting period of time, I was both happy and depressed in just 3 days so I made a painting, which was the first one I did after I gave Min a painting. I was happy cuz I never expected I would have such a great date on my bday meanwhile I was depressed cuz my mum was so hurt from her relationship. She told me she wanted to suicide the other day when we were on the phone. I am glad she told me so I kind of know she probably won’t do it.

I was a bit angry with Daniel “ghosted” me. But I was amazed and excited like a teenager when I finally got his message. Well, can’t say I was not afraid. I felt like I was someone on his “ potential girls I can woo” list. I teased him about the ghosting thing, his reply did sound like an excuse, but I think it is genuine or at least I want to think it is. He was like, I am a private person, I sometimes like to be alone and live in my own world. You also didn’t contact me or call me, if you really want me, you should call, I will pick up.

Interesting. Do I really want him? What a cool way to “blame” everything on the other person? I suddenly respect his intelligence.

The conversation I had with him reminded me everything happened that night with almost 80% of the details. I took his “advice”( if you want it and come on and get it) and ask him for a coffee the next day, he took it. It was funny when I was looking for places in Boston, I realized the house I am living now was in the same neighborhood he lives. I sort of having a feeling that we might meet again in our life.

Then I started to have the butterfly feelings. It was a high, then I started to have imaginations, inspirations. Expectation, I think that’s the more accurate word. Excited, anxious, excited, excited, also honry? I have been having dreams about sex recently so I guess that’s why? It was just a mix of positive feelings, I can feel myself softening, feel like a woman. I am not a stranger to these feelings. I have felt that before, everytime when I have feelings for someone. EXACTLY the same excitement.

Then, I started to panic. Min jumped out of my head again. I remember these feelings so clearly and also the decisions I have made based on these feelings.I took risks to go with them, to grab them, to seduce them. It was the same feeling but a different person. So should I make the same decision? Should I actually trust Daniel’s word “ come and get it”? I don’t know. I want to get something, I cherish my feelings, but this time, I am no longer as brave as I was. Or as impulsive. I miss that girl who can say to Chao, I want fuck you. But this time, I can’t. I have learned to observe. I don’t know if I am improving or going backwards.

Are they really different? I don’t know. That’s scary because I started to think about these feelings with my brain. I started to compare. I started to compare my new crush with my old relationships. I tried to tell myself just enjoy these feelings, they are so not not not not easy to have! I have dated couple of people and went through some disappointing dates, these feelings are fucking refreshing. Like summer lime.( Good analogy!)

So I rushed into brunch with Mango and told her about him contacting me. She was so protective and asked me to be careful. Then an immediate thought came out of my mind, shit, I don’t want to be careful. And then, Will jumped in. It sounded familiar. He said the same thing when I told him about Min. Fuck, is my life restarting again? Shit.

So eventually we met. He didn’t change that much, or at least I still remember how he looked like. It was a bit unsettling, since we were pretty much strangers, but my memory still stuck with the part we were intimate. He was hard to read. Our conversation was really random and on the surface. He likes to make ironic jokes and I enjoyed his humor. His body language was distant even when we were sitting on the bench. ( Maybe Sunday was too sober)

I think he is analyzing the situation just like I was. Or he is just lonely need some attention like I do. I remember I saw his okcupid saying he wanted to have a long term relationship, so different from what it was written 3 months ago. He must have went through something. Thats what I thought. In the end, he was like, don’t ghost me. Well, you ghosted me.

To show him that I am not gonna ghost him, I wrote: Safe trip. Let me know when you get back. I will cook.

Then no reply. I just put myself on the risk of being ghosted again. After feeling shitty for like couple of hours. I was like, whatever. Too bad if I have not had a chance to let someone know how much I enjoyed him, but I don’t feel extremely disappointed. I mean, I have been there. It is risky. Time will give you answer.

Hmm, what an interesting world we are living. Communication is still so hard even with all the technologies we have.

It gets harder and harder, to tell people what we want. I miss me, I miss me when I could freely tell how much I enjoy Min. I wish one day, that feeling will come back, cuz it makes me feel I am alive.

I wish one day I could go in again, love freely with another free spirit.

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