#aaaah I just love breaking poor lxc he takes to pain so well...

[ibijau]

Burn it down AU // on AO3 // extras on AO3

extra: During the Sunshot Campaign, Lan Xichen has a conversation with his uncle that doesn’t go how he planned.

warning for canon typical levels of homophobia and, like a lot of bad emotions because in book canon LXC is 19-20 when the war starts and that’s a lot of stuff for a young man that age to go through :D

It is near impossible for Lan Xichen to focus on the conversation with his uncle as they discuss the campaign in his office. Although he knows how important it is, how many lives are stake, he simply cannot keep his mind on the war. His thoughts keep going back to the handful of hours he just spent holding Nie Huaisang and kissing him, how his eyes shone with happiness, the softness of his hair, the taste of his tongue, the warmth of his skin, the… 

"Xichen, are you even listening?" 

"Apologies, uncle," he quickly mumbles. "It has been a long day." 

"And that day would be over already if you hadn't lost so much time with that Nie boy. I asked how you obtained that information about Nightless City's defences." 

Lan Xichen hesitates. It is wrong to keep secrets. It is wrong to deny his uncle's request. But surely it would be more wrong to say anything that might put dear Meng Yao in greater danger than he already is? 

Being a sect leader is nothing but a series of compromises, and it is so difficult to know right from wrong. 

"When the time is right, I will reveal it. For now, I can only say that I trust the source of this information. But these are dark times, uncle, and it is better if I remain the only one to know certain things." 

To Lan Xichen's surprise, his uncle nods. 

"The Wens have come here once, they could come here again. Keep the secret for now if you feel it is needed." 

"Thank you, uncle." 

"Hm. I think we've talked about everything urgent. You may retire for the night, anything less pressing can wait." 

That, of course, is the chance that Lan Xichen has been waiting for since he joined his uncle in his office. He takes a deep breath, and steels himself. 

"Uncle, if you do not mind… There is one more thing I would like to talk about. It does not concern the campaign, but it is important nonetheless. Would you let me have a little more of your time?" 

Lan Qiren, who had started standing up, sits down again and gestures for his nephew to go on. Lan Xichen takes another deep breath, and hurriedly wonders how to breach the matter. 

In spite of how long he has loved Nie Huaisang, Lan Xichen finds himself wholly unprepared for this situation. After all, while they had a certain friendship going on, Nie Huaisang had never given any sign that he held some preference for his brother's friend. He has always been cheerful and open and teasing with Lan Xichen, but since he is like that with everyone, it didn't seem to mean much. 

And yet, there's no doubt possible now. Nie Huaisang cares, perhaps just as strongly as Lan Xichen does. 

"Well? What was it?" his uncle asks, getting impatient. 

"Uncle, there is… It is not easy to say. But for some time now, I have felt very strongly for another boy, and it has recently been revealed to me that this boy too…" 

He is interrupted by his uncle slamming his hand on his desk, his face dark with anger. 

"You will forget about this boy," Lan Qiren orders. "I do not want to hear another word of such nonsense." 

"The rules of our sect dictate we must look for our true match, a dual cultivation partner that fits us," Lan Xichen meekly objects, half surprised by his own daring. "How is it nonsense for me to do so?" 

His uncle glares at him for what he must perceive at insolence. At a normal time, this would be enough for Lan Xichen to fall in line, years of discipline having nearly broken what rebellion ever existed in him. 

But this is not a normal time. Today his lips still tingle from being kissed by the person he loves, and to get more of that, Lan Xichen is ready to fight even the uncle who half terrifies him. 

"Uncle, this is not something I say lightly," he insists. "I truly love him, I wish to spend my life with him, and I believe he will be exactly the partner I need, not only in private but also in public." 

He means that. Nie Huaisang, after all, is so clever when he wants. Much smarter than people give him credit for, certainly. Lan Xichen has seen him discreetly defuse tense situations at times when Nie Mingjue was provoked into anger. He has also seen how, when they were guest disciples, Nie Huaisang often found ways to distract Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanying whenever Jin Zixuan would do or say something that upset them. It is certainly a great skill for a sect leader's husband to have. 

And as for the private aspect… Aside from having just been revealed as a wonderful kisser, Nie Huaisang is simply someone who has always made Lan Xichen happy. He has never treated him with the distant politeness that everyone gave him as heir to such a major sect. Nie Huaisang, from their very first meeting, has called him Xichen-gege and teased him with the same carefree attitude he had with Nie Mingjue. Sometimes, Lan Xichen thinks that he fell in love on that first day, even if the realisation of it only came later. 

"Love has no place in a sect leader's life," his uncle snaps. "Look what good it did your father!" 

The attack is not unexpected, but Lan Xichen still feels the sting of it. 

"It is different. Unlike father, my feelings are returned." 

"Returned or not, it makes no difference. When you marry, it will be to help us secure an alliance…" 

"His family is a prominent one," Lan Xichen weakly interjects. 

"It will be to secure an alliance and an heir," Lan Qiren claims. "Can that boy of yours carry a child for you? Or was I lied to about what you are, and you can actually bear another man's child?" 

"I cannot," his nephew admits, clenching his fists. "Neither can he. But uncle…" 

"Everything you have, everything you are, you owe it to the position you were born in. In return, your duty is to serve your sect and your clan. When the time is right, I will find you a dutiful wife. Until then, I do not want to ever hear you talk about this again. You are dismissed."

Lan Xichen clenches his fists. He feels something wet fall on his cheeks and wonders, idly, when he cried for the last time. His mother's death probably. It was not allowed after that. A future sect leader had to be trained out of expressing emotions in such an obvious way, and Lan Xichen always was a good student. 

The tears are not solely for being denied the right to his true love, though after so many months of horror, it is the last drop. He has lost so much, several of his people died when the Cloud Recesses were burned, his sect history is nearly entirely lost save what he could take with him when he ran, his brother was almost lost to a monster, his father passed away while he was running for his life, and there's a war now, so many people depend on him, many of which have perished already because this is a war and he's not ready for this and… 

Lan Xichen could bear with all this. It is his duty. He just wants one comfort, one good thing. He wants to be allowed one selfish desire. 

He wants Nie Huaisang. 

When his uncle starts getting up, Lan Xichen grabs his sleeve like the capricious child he knows he must look like. 

"Uncle, I beg you, I will do anything you ask if you allow me to court him. Let me have this. I am serious about this, I am sincere, I promise you will not regret it if you let me have him. It is not some fanciful passion, I love him, I have loved him so long. Uncle, please, when have I ever asked for a favour?"

Lan Qiren glares at him. Lan Xichen's tears double as he realises this is a fight he cannot win, but he maintains his hold on his uncle's sleeve. The moment he lets go, Nie Huaisang is lost to him. He cannot let go. He cannot lose this as well. 

"If you get what you want, Wangji cannot," Lan Qiren says, in the patient yet condescending tone he uses on his students. "You know your brother as well as I do. Can you imagine him marrying a woman, even to give the clan an heir?" 

That's his problem, not mine, Lan Xichen wants to scream, only for crippling guilt to immediately devour him. He remembers their mother, slowly dying of a disease never explained to them, asking him to take care of his little brother. Someone has to make sure A-Zhan smiles, she'd told him many times. When I'm gone, make sure he still gets to smile. 

Lan Xichen sobs, his fingers clenching on his uncle's sleeve. 

It is true that Lan Wangji has always shown a clear preference for other boys and no interest whatsoever in girls. It is equally clear that Wangji is in love, and for three months scoured the country with Jiang Cheng, desperately trying to find out what happened to the boy he adores. And though they have their arguments, Wei Wuxian is the only person who can make Land Wangji smile, now that their mother is dead. 

It is true also that, in general, Lan Xichen has never felt any strong preference between men and women. Marrying someone who will bear an heir for the clan is not something that fills him with disgust the way it might Lan Wangji. He can do this, if it comes to that. 

He doesn't want it to come to that. He doesn't want a man or a woman. He wants Nie Huaisang who smiles like a fox and moves like a bird. Nie Huaisang who cried because he thought him dead, and kissed him. Nie Huaisang who made such sweet noises as they chased pleasure together, then laughed so softly, as if nothing in the world could be better than to be in Lan Xichen's arms. Nie Huaisang whom he loves, who is so perfect for him in every aspect. Nie Huaisang who should be his, but never will be. 

"But I love him," Lan Xichen whimpers, defeated. "Uncle, I really love him, what am going to do?"

Lan Qiren kneels next to him. Through the tears, Lan Xichen thinks he can see pity on his stern uncle's face, and that might be worse than his earlier anger. He nearly flinches when Lan Qiren awkwardly pats his shoulder, neither of them used to this. 

"Avoid his company," Lan Qiren orders. "Avoid his conversation. If you can, avoid looking at him even. Meditate when you are tempted to seek him out. If your will is strong enough, you will easily get over this fancy of yours."

“Uncle, I cannot…”

“You must. You will. Or are you so weak that you can’t overcome the failings of your body and heart? You are a sect leader now, Xichen. Do not follow in your father's footsteps by letting your passions conquer you." 

With one last desperate sob, Lan Xichen finally lets go of his uncle's sleeve and tries to collect himself. All of Gusu Lan has suffered from his father's decisions, he reminds himself, taking one shaky breath after the other. His uncle has paid the price of Qingheng-Jun's choice, forced to bear the weight of their sect when inclination and birth should have allowed him to dedicate himself to his studies. 

Lan Xichen will be a better sect leader, a better brother. 

"Thank you for your time and advice, uncle" he says in a voice he cannot stop from shaking. "I will do my best to live up to your expectations." 

"I know you will," Lan Qiren replies, squeezing his shoulder before quickly letting go. "You may go." 

Lan Xichen doesn't need to be told twice. He springs to his feet and rushes back to the Hanshi, as fast as he can without running. His head hurts from crying, and there is an uncomfortable dampness between his legs. Earlier he was half happy with that sticky sensation, a reminder that he did not dream what happened. Now it makes him want to tear his own skin away. As soon as he is inside his home, he sheds his clothes, dropping them on the floor without care. Using a towel and water, Lan Xichen scrubs his legs and groin until they are red and sore, trying to erase any trace of those stolen moments he needs to forget. 

When he is satisfied with his work, he goes to sleep and quickly passes out, exhausted by a day that promised so much and delivered so little. 

In the morning, Lan Xichen sees Nie Huaisang at breakfast. The other boy spots him as well and smiles so brightly that it is nearly blinding. It takes all of Lan Xichen’s willpower not to join him. Instead he goes to sit with his uncle, and leaves again as soon as he is done eating. 

Busy as he is, Lan Xichen finds that the day passes quickly. The elders who remain in the Cloud Recesses commend his dedication when he skips lunch, but force him to have a servant bring him something when he makes it clear he wants to avoid dinner as well. Lan Xichen reluctantly agrees, and eats alone in the Hanshi with some reports in front of him. If he handles things well, he can leave for the front in a day or two.

There is so much to organise, and Lan Xichen does not want to stay in the Cloud Recesses a moment more than necessary. He will have to avoid his own home until the war is won and Nie Huaisang can return to Qinghe.