#abc you need to slow down i am only a human woman

[feral-peacock]

Literally all of us after the first buddie scene of season 7

[davidjjohnston3]

The trees are straight and true here, and the help comes without seeming harpoons.  I considered some insane things which were ‘above my pay-grade’ and as is my wont reflected on the state and implications of my former profession and what old friends and pharons meant to me.  Right now think that my core goal in life is not to blow myself up.  As a former would-have-been SecState said, ‘I love so many people.’  I am only sad that trying as I did to uproot that carrot of love just now could have resulted in the demolition of an entire root-network, of at least my own excision therefrom.

‘Some people’ want revenge against life for not going their way or not being the color or fragrance or face shape they like or feel it ought to be - ‘no that is not what I meant at all.’  They will never hold a life reliable which doesn’t resemble their ideal, imago, or ‘soul-idol’ &c.  The meaning of the name ‘Cordelia’ as in King Lear is something like ‘heart’s ideal.’  I was driving and considering a novel that I feel touched absolute supreme greatness without knowing it or in a way that could mislead some readers Mrs. Mary HK Choi’s Yolk a novel I looked forward for a very long time.  I had all these references and fractal coreferences and forgot about actual birds, like what does the chick eat in the egg.

‘Blood is the life’ - I liked etymologies for a long time and my intellectualism caused me acute trouble in Confirmation Class at Morrow Memorial United Methodist Church in about 1998.  ‘Pastor’ Gretchen taught us the word root ‘consacramentum’ which comes from dipping the hand in blood in the concave of a Roman shield - those huge rectangular shields which could be used in formation as ‘testudo’ or turtle to stop projectile weapons and allowed soldiers to make pin-point stabbing attacks from a ‘matrix(?)’ of high protection.  I forget what kind of animal was killed to pool the blood in the shield but it might have been a rabbit.

I was reading ‘Revelation,’ I don’t recall what everyone else was talking about.  Some kind of community service project, interview your parents, buy a wedding-magazine and make a whole plan for how you would get married and how much it would cost (and while you’re at it describe how you would 1) restore a classic Shelby Cobra using newspaper and Krazy Glue 2) drive foresaid drop-top to the Moon).  

The Pastor was a pipe-smoker named ‘Painter’ who used the NY Lotto’s ‘Hey you never know’ slogan to describe sth like Pascal’s Wager; OTOH St. Paul teaches us that everyone is born knowing God exists (Romans).  The problem is that people fail or omit to glorify Him or subsequently ruin or betray their own best efforts through blasphemy, turning or falling away, cowardice, denial, attachment to certain sins or being ‘yoked unequally’ with non-believers.  

I reflected starting in 2008 that I was shy of my ‘first love’ (rather, the woman I fell in love with at 14); at the time I gloried or reveled in the shyness like a Wallace Stevens poem that ends, ‘And not to have written a book.’  I could’ve written a few books by now or walked away from book-writing or changed my mind / specified which kind of book I might have written and for whom.  

I remember always admiring the ‘magic’ of literature and feeling sad I had no characters or world of my own to work magic with.  Star Wars and my own life and later much else supplied ‘materia poetica’ and till the point that I began to think in fiction and became addicted to interpreting my own in ‘story-ideas’ although that is not to say that what happened around me didn’t happen.  

America is trying to become a better country in numerous valences, loving our neighbors, holding each other accountable.  ‘Justice’ with or without the marks is important.  It is a divine Judgment that Covid fell on the world even if eventually we all shall learn who devised the virus or leaked it or modulated its mutations.  I was eager to rejoin the world feeling I might overcome my mental illness but I mishandled specific questions and tests.  I ended up turning people against me and creating monsters more than ever as well as perhaps terminally sabotaging any chance I might’ve had of fulfilling a dream or making good on the past.  I have a lot of opinions on the CCP but should’ve focused on love and family and personal responsibilities as in the past or at least held to my long-standing feeling that Chinese people deserve better rather than associating myself with hard-liners and racists or those who would simplify issues in order to bring about ultimate victory without temperance or concern for the side-effects.

In Milwaukee where I lived for far too long everyone’s spirit - electric, intellectual, visory(?), informational et cetera seemed to be militating against everybody else’s.  There were fake vaccines, radioactive ice cream (or thermogenic ice-cream), gun-battles as usual, lines crossed, all kinds of scores that people tried to settle.  I also realized that the police were probably tracking for years my various attempts to obtain weapons from samurai-swords to handguns though the purpose was defensive and I can only trust at this point that some good lawyer will prevent the bad lawyers and cops from presenting the most damning circumstantial case they could.  People in Milwaukee own AK-47′s, automatic shotguns, probably all kinds of explosives, improvised chemical weapons and (’our Black brothers’ - Schopenhauer) biological weapons - the cops don’t stand a chance that I can tell and even the National Guard perhaps could get outclassed by retired military.  I had told myself for years that it was only the ghetto’s that bore witness to this paramilitary equipage and that the retired SEAL Team 4 member with the ‘Stop Socialism’ and ‘Jobs Not Mobs’ sign on his front lawn would protect me from the Maoist-Covid Night of the Long Knives but I feel I tempted God a lot in the past.  

I read all these books and took to heart that people thought I was just entertaining myself with but now as then I should’ve guarded my heart or not begged the question of what others thought about me or saw in me.  I literally felt of late ‘I am the anti-Christ’ - good-looking at times, preach world peace, ‘form of godliness,’ want to be friends with everyone, build bridges - and had to rack my brains to come up with an ‘anti-Christology’ and science / concept of the Whore of Babylon just to make sure it was more than me alone.  I also wished to simplify my past and help kids ‘get life right the right time’ doing battle with philosophies that opposed this consciously or otherwise but stepped into numerous minefields and also tried running when I should’ve flown over.  

Everyone’s trying to get rich and build back better and I profoundly admired the American President for doing, finally, apparently, what presidents had tried to decades even as I remember ‘Flowers 1881′ a poem that implies that basically teachers can do only so much before turning their kids loose in a world no one has yet fixed and which others keep breaking; from a California almanac that also instructed me that the same old debates and cross-fires and burdens plague teachers as always, not that it is an ‘impossible profession’ but honestly that God won’t let us establish Heaven on Earth or at least not me or at least not America or at least not teachers who savor the experience of being a teacher or the beauty of their students more than the outcomes or commitment or intrinsic value of the work or the confirmed identity / vocation / personhood of the instructor.  There are always new and old at any rate and different cultures all describe the teacher as needing to keep both alive; as do descriptions of higher education and scholarship.  

I questioned my qualifications / background and wondered about re-training but can’t afford tuition anywhere so I am trying to cling to the core of my capabilities / blessings.  ABC and XYZ.  The glory of the soul or souls.  

I kept theorizing Russian literature as well as weapons-systems and ultimate destiny, sailing ships, noble names, divisions, the flaming sword of Archangel Gabriel, the mission of Russia today with respect to the world order.  I am also simply trying to be healthy and stop for a while trying to parse out who was the love of my life or what it still left in terms of action or redemption or justice or surrender or mitigation or meeting new friends or propounding the kind of understand with carefulness I have believed in - ‘saving people from themselves.’  Driving up here I remember being distressed at a gas-station in California when I was about 5 or 6 since the pump was leaking, being very upset with my parents and family.  In those days I also disliked animal-cruelty though the world today seems so depraved and deprived with respect to human interests I would make no bones about neglecting most all animals outside of military or police use.  When I was about 3 I saw white kids set a frog on fire; my mother has a history of running over cats.

I dislike winging it and taking risks.  There is a song I call to myself ‘Run Away’ though its title is ‘Paradise.’  I am not a utopian communist for believing in secular justice and its instrinsic value... I wonder whether when I helped people in the past there were always strings attached or maybe I was just trying to close my case and discharge my responsibilities too rapidly without allowing others to gestate or make an abode in my heart besides and beyond what I could get out of them, glorifying myself, or tell others about.  

What is motherhood?  What is travail?  Is there a kind of problematic ‘female gaze’ as feminists talk of a ‘male gaze’ associated with sadism or fascination / fetishism?  It’s psychology which is not my first love at all since it appeared pretentious and distracting and retarding (in the literal sense of slowing down).

I also remembered reading various things about Victor Hugo whose ‘93′ is an important novel today due to its techno-utopianism, feminism or ‘new model egalitarianism,’ fusion of revolution and religion, etc.  But I had forgotten ‘Les Miserable’ with its themes of ransom or eventual recompense, genealogies, caution, and more none of which is to negate the various complains against me or death-warrant from China or my parents with their partial private readings of Proverbs (’Let’s stone David for embarrassing us / not doing precisely what we want’ - no mention of witnesses, tribunals, questions, mitigation-hearings, actual counsels of judges etc. but just American-German ‘coalitions of the willing’ ‘run and get my gun’ ‘team-building’ etc. which in my experience ends with tanks on the street and military dictatorships as when at the end of the CultRev PLA regulars were gunning down former justice-fanatics who’d been stripping women, kicking pregnant stomachs etc. as in The Vagrants).  Naturally having grown up in a family fascinated with Lee Kwanyew and Arnold Schwarzenegger and conflicted about ‘fascism’ I had reservations about the United States’ ability to suddenly dress up and ‘stand at perpetual moral attention’ but I guess my own problems are just that I am poor with a rich kid’s mind and no one really likes me except strangers and faraway friends who were easily spooked and/or just couldn’t be there.  ‘King of South shall attack and King of North shall crush them  with chariots &c.’ - in the end righteous will prevail whichever side of the line I end up on in the final assessment.  I also remembered today a novel called ‘The Old Capital’ about a bad artist father, a virgin daughter, straight and true pines.  Some other aspects of this novel are silly as well as criminally problematic and there's a lot of that going on in new-old old news America / Babylon or at least to quote my favorite lawyer / leave lawyering movie 'First let's get out of Milwaukee.'  Miss the land of June snow. 

[evolutiontale-au]

The Siblings of Tragedy

"Wow. Your laptop is ancient. Can it even project?"

As Karina Auxerre Picel inspected the technology that the older human had fallen down with, the businesswoman's eyebrow twitched near-imperceptibly. Colten Ellot Picel quickly decided that it was a good time to step in.

"Aw sis, it doesn't need to project things to get the job done! Besides, she fell down here a few decades ago, it only makes sense that her tech isn't up to the latest trends- and Miss Arabella, you don't look a day over twenty-five, if I may say so~"

He winked, his gaze going up and down the woman with an appreciative look to his eyes, and his sister was quick to smack him upside the head.

"Colten! Honestly, stop flirting with her, she's like four times our age."

He huffed, a gloved hand coming up to dramatically rub the wounded area.

"Four times your age maybe, but just because she's too old for you doesn't mean that she's too old for me!"

He swiftly dodged another smack, and cackled with glee as his sister began to chase him.

"You're YOUNGER THAN ME! She's too old for BOTH OF US!"

It was with an expression of dry amusement that Arabella sidestepped the two children, and made her way towards the kitchen, with aim to join the lovely Queen in cooking dinner. Toriel's adoptive children were planning on coming over for dinner- the ones whom lived just outside of the Ruins- and it was planned for them to meet the two new Fallen Humans that evening.

It was fascinating, really, how even the best laid plans can fail in an instant.

Footsteps rushed up the staircase nearby, someone in a hurry; someone panicked and gasping for breath. The two siblings paused in their play-fighting to look at the Monster approaching, and soon were rewarded with the sight of an oddly slimy fish monster. He... wasn't exactly the most beautiful fish in the sea, but that didn't matter once they heard the words he was gasping.

"Please, children, get Toriel- we need Undyne, we can't find her- Toriel is the closest one with her number! Please, someone's fallen into the river-"

Karina stood and ran for the kitchen, her explorer's hat barely staying on her golden hair, but Colten stayed behind.

"Where did they fall in?"

Karina whimpered quietly, seated at the top of the stairs. Toriel had left some time ago; following the Monster that'd brought the news out past the door, and hadn't returned. Arabella was seated beside her, a concerned expression upon her face, as she glanced over at the young girl beside her.

"Toriel is looking for him, don't worry. He can't have gone beyond Waterfall."

The girl clutched the strap of her bag tight, her lip beginning to bleed as she bit down just a little too hard on it.

"I can't wait anymore, I need to go forward and find him, please..."

The woman sighed quietly, thoughts rushing through her head. Seven Human souls to break the Barrier... seven souls without the ability to consciously channel magic... and she was one of them. If either of them left the Ruins, they would die. It was more likely than not, in fact, that the Brave-souled child was already dead.

"Karina, you know you can't leave without risk of dying. You need to stay here, and Hope that Tori will bring him back safely."

Shaking her head violently, the soul of Perseverance stood up and took a few steps down, only stopping when Arabella caught her arm. The protest that came from her lungs was surprisingly loud, causing the older woman to wince; but she didn't let go. That would only allow the child to rush to her own death.

"PLEASE! I CAN'T LET COLTEN DIE FOR THIS STUPID REASON! IF WE'RE TRAPPED DOWN HERE ANYWAYS, THE KING AND HIS GUARDS CAN LET US LIVE OUR LIVES OUT IN PEACE, DAMMIT! THEY WILL NOT KILL MY BROTHER!"

Then again...

"If you run into Toriel, I never let you do this. I was busy fetching you a drink when you snuck out, understood?"

Karina nodded furiously, leaning a little bit more towards the bottom of the stairs, towards the hallway and the door that her brother had gone through not long before. She was so close, she would agree to anything if it allowed her to SAVE Colten-

"Then go quickly. Avoid the main paths for as long as you can, and whatever you do, avoid calling out for help. They, like your brother, will go to help a Monster in need... but unlike your brother, they will kill a Human in need."

The girl was released once she acknowledged this information, and she sprinted for the cold entrance to Snowdin without hesitation, but Arabella stayed behind.

"Let it be that your deaths aren't in vain..."

"Oh no. Mister, sir, please breathe!"

Colten had reached the river, and there was the drowning Monster; its furry head going underwater with a choked cry just as he arrived. Without hesitation, the boy had taken a deep breath and dove in, his swimming lessons on the Surface finally paying off as he SAVEd the cat monster... but it looked like it was too late.

The Monster wasn't breathing. Did Monsters need to breathe? Colten only knew that not breathing was bad for Humans, and he had to help somehow.

"Okay, um, ABC's!"

He had to ACT first, and ask questions later.

Airways. Were the Monster's airways clear? Looking up his nose and into his mouth didn't reveal any obstructions, so the cat monster had probably just inhaled the water.

Breathing. No, the feline wasn't breathing. He needed to fix that!

Um, what was C? Compressions? Gah, why'd he rush ahead without Karina!? She was the one who'd paid more attention in their First Aid and Survival classes!

"I don't know what I'm doing! I'm sorry if I mess up!"

He turned the Monster onto his back and began to push on his chest, trying to push out the water from his lungs. Every few seconds he'd force some air into the other's lungs- did Monsters have lungs? Gah, just move- and continue pushing on his chest. These actions were repeated for several minutes, and he only paused when a horrific rattle came from the other's throat as he tried to cough up the water in his lungs...

One final push, intended to help the Monster, ended up killing him. Colten watched with wide brown eyes as the feline began to turn to dust, and choked on air as something heavy settled within his soul.

[LV: 2] [KILLS: 3]

No...

[EXP: 21] [TO NEXT: 9]

No! He didn't-

He was only trying to-

"How-HOW COULD YOU!?"

A scream escaped his lips as he was impaled by spears as orange as his soul, the constructs only doing more damage the longer he stayed pinned to the mushy blue ground. With some effort, he managed to pull himself through the offensive magic, and turned to face his attacker.

"I am Undyne the Fearless, Third Lieutenant of the Royal Guard! And for your crimes, Human, I will STRIKE YOU DOWN!"

Colten brought up his gloved fists to his head and tied his bandana tighter, recognizing the look in the Guard's slitted eyes. She wouldn't listen to what he had to say until he defeated her- he knew, because he was the same way.

"Karina, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you."

He also knew that the Royal Guards had been trained for this their whole lives. His chances of getting out of this alive were slim, his odds made even worse considering that he was going to fight this one head on, but he would defend himself. This was the only way that he could GO.

With a grim expression that no eight year old should ever wear, Colten moved forward, and never looked back.

Blood, in a mixture of shades ranging from vibrant scarlet to the darker burgundy, seeped into the muddy ground. Colten coughed once, his strength fading, and he slumped into his opponent's open arms.

"I'm s-sorry... I should've tried... harder, to S-SAVE him..."

The scaled monster holding him paused, and he took this as indication that she was listening. Taking another painful breath, he gazed around the area, and his dulled eyes connected with another pair brimming with tears. No...

"My s-sister was always b-better with first aid... S-She's always done what I couldn't... Please, Undyne..."

Colten tore his gaze away from that of his sister, hidden behind some rocks nearby, and he used the Monster's lightweight chestplate to pull himself up to her nearest ear-fin. The following whisper was unheard by all but Undyne; intended for her ears alone... he had a feeling that she would listen if she didn't have to put up a front for an audience.

"Please, Monster... s-show Karina... MERCY..."

The last of his strength faded, and Colten fell limp, his open eyes unseeing. Among the rocks nearby, as his soul began to float free from his chest, a shrill scream of anguish rang out.

Karina saw her brother die, she just saw her little brother die before her very eyes. Her little brother, who she'd held as a baby, who she'd promised to keep safe wherever they went. She'd promised him, she'd promised, and she'd broken her promise.

She couldn't even move from her hiding spot until it was too late, let alone do anything to SAVE him.

"Colten... Colten... Colten..."

The girl gasped through her tears and fleeing footsteps, taking to the rocky areas further away from the main path, and entered a room of darkness. Holding out her hand in a quick gesture, a small area ahead of her was lit by the now-spinning tattoo on her palm, and she continued on.

"Colten, I'm sorry... I'm sorry I couldn't SAVE you..."

Karina's frantic pace slowed down, and she began to breathe slower, regulating her breath like she'd been taught to in First School. She was starting to have a panic attack, and that wouldn't help her right now... but the words of Arabella rang through her head, and she froze, deactivating her flash-tattoo.

"They, like your brother, will go to help a Monster in need... but unlike your brother, they will kill a Human in need."

They would help their own kind, and kill hers? Her brother hadn't done anything bad intentionally- that Froggit had attacked them first, even Toriel understood when she'd heard! Hypocrites! Idiots! Fools!

"Say, Human..."

Karina narrowed her eyes, peering around in the darkness. Alas, she couldn't see well without her flash-tattoo, and was unable to find the source of the quiet voice. What she could do, however, was heft her bag in preparation to attack whatever foul thing wanted to kill her like they'd killed her baby brother...

"All of this would end if the King died. No more Humans would be killed, like your poor brother. What was his name, Colten? Wouldn't you like to avenge him?"

The soul of Perseverance considered this option, and calmed down somewhat. If she'd listened to her instincts and attacked before that Monster spoke, she would've returned the favor paid to her, but it wouldn't have satisfied her. The scaled Guard was the one who deserved it, and anything she did to others would instead justify the Guard's murder...

"Killing other Monsters would only further stress the relationship between our species. When they escape from the Underground, they would attack the Humans without hesitation."

Such a smart girl, for one so young. Twelve years old, and thinking so thoroughly? It was almost a shame that he was bored by such a thing, having played with her countless times before.

"Oh, but didn't you know? Monsters are weaker than Humans who carry true INTENT to kill. Your brother didn't want to hurt them, so they won. But if you fight to kill, and never hesitate or sway, you could save the rest of your species from dying. Doesn't that sound better than letting your brother die in vain?"

...there was only one way to CONTINUE, wasn't there?

Karina activated her light again, and gave no response to the voice, but she didn't need to. As her unused hand clenched the strap of her bag tighter, she moved forward, and never looked back.

[feral-peacock]

"I've never seen a man turn a woman off with such skill"

THIS ISNT REAL LIFE