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thrivingwithtruth · 9 years

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Who is Jesus to You?

"Who is Jesus to you?", our marriage counselor asked. It was one of the very first questions he asked the both of us during our first meeting in November of 2013. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember feeling kinda uncomfortable and scrambling for the answer I thought was the most appropriate. I ended up choosing "Savior". Feeling like there was more to the question, and that I should have had a better answer, we moved on to some more questions that I don't remember.

Little did I know then how much impact that moment and that one seemingly small question would have, and how important it actually was that I found the correct answers. You see, In those really tough not-so-happy moments of my life, that question caused me to stop and think. I was forced to actually think and come up with an answer for probably the first time in my life. Legalistic Fundamentalism has an answer for everything. No need to think. It's already figured out for you. So after that question, I was forced to face my numbness and doubts. This person didn't ask me that question because he was giving a pop quiz or was asking for a testimony. He knew the importance of me knowing the answer to that question. He was there to help me, not to criticize my answer. Some probably see nothing wrong with my answer, but why did everything feel so wrong about the answer I desperately searched to come up with? I realized as time progressed, that I had a bad view of God. In fact, I realized I had never really known exactly who he was to me. I had a few good ideas, but I also had a few bad ideas. There were some lies I had been taught. Some through actual teaching, and some were just the message I received from experiencing the attitude of those who swore they knew God and knew how he felt about certain situations and different individuals.

"God's gonna get them... God killed them.. God is angry...God gave that woman cancer because she talked about the pastor..." And one of the most recent I've heard, "God doesn't like nasty people." All very common and familiar phrases I heard growing up, but we'd sing our hearts out to "Jesus, What a Friend of Sinners". It was so confusing... It's very dangerous when men think they know God so well that they can judge who he kills because he's done with them and who just tragically dies from an accident or passes from natural causes. Why anyone would ever want to be judge of that in the first place, I don't understand. How can a person who is just as sinful as the next judge those things without a second thought, and then turn around and praise God for being so loving and merciful? My guess is they think self righteousness is okay as long as they are right. They think they are right, the others are wrong, and they think God agrees with them. The proof they're good and right is they're not dead. Right? Wrong. Those men do not realize how damaging their attitude is. They have created a God who is always changing and who's wrath is unpredictable. They have presented us with something we can't really trust. We learn to sing "Jesus Loves Me" from the time we start talking, but we hear about how God hates and how evil and "against God" that person is because of their long list of behaviors, most of which are just man's preferences anyways. It left me constantly wondering if God loved me or hated me. Was I safe or not safe?? I am human after all. At any given time I could have a bad thought pop in my head or not feel like doing the right thing at the moment. I mostly believed he didn't really care that much as long as I was good. I didn't feel he really loved me but, I didn't feel that he hated me either. I felt nothing. I was numb. I knew what to say when expected to, but that's really all it was. Meeting an expectation. His love was something I was told was true but something I didn't really believe when I actually stopped to think about it. God loved me because I was mostly good, just like he didn't love the people who were mostly bad. Nothing unconditional. All based on how well I did. That's a pretty shallow love. Nothing worth getting excited over there.

"You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. " -Anne Lamott

So many mixed messages can be hard for a young person to sort out especially when you're taught not to question authority. So, kids like me growing up in that environment, who are just keeping the list of golden rules that our parents, and/or pastor, or some man that is worshiped for his standards have decided are also God's list of golden rules, believe we are doing so to "stay right with God". That feels much better than being "wrong with God". At least keeping the rules keeps us away from a date with the telephone pole or the lightening bolt. Kids that grow up in legalistic, fundamental churches don't know who God is. Church people are wondering why a lot of teenage and young adults are leaving the church. The answer isn't the contemporary services down the street are more exciting. The answer isn't they've started listening to secular music or even the God-forbidden contemporary Christian music. It isn't that they're just rebellious and wanna do their own thing or they just don't love God. The answer is you gave them no reason to stay and a lot of reasons to leave. They've either found somewhere else to go seeking to find truth and nicer people at the very least, or they've decided to do something else productive with their time and skip church altogether. You didn't show them Jesus. You didn't show them unconditional love. You showed them that when they're human and make a mistake, you're done with them and so is God. You showed them none of the fruits of the Spirit that we as Christians are supposed to have if we truly know Him. You showed them pride and self righteousness, and said it was good. You failed to practice the very gospel God called you to preach. Gospel, being the selfless costly grace of a loving God. It cost God something to love us and give us grace. You showed them the real life version of the elder brother getting upset because the Father threw the younger brother a party when he came home. It cost the elder brother something to extend grace to his younger brother and he wasn't happy about it. Just like him, you'd rather stand outside the party with your self-righteous attitude and say "I've never done the things he did and you didn't throw a party for me". You'd rather the Father react the way you would have instead of the other way around. You've made God in your image. You think God thinks like you. We walk in church week after week hoping to finally feel something. Hoping that maybe this week I'll get it. The numb feeling will go away. Maybe today, I'll feel loved. Maybe today, the pastor won't say things like "If you haven't read your bible today you're not right God....You're not right with God if you are a woman wearing pants." Maybe today, the preacher won't tell me everything will be just fine between me and God if I will just stop going to the movies and stop listening to music with drums in it. Maybe for once he wont slander people in the audience he thinks are wrong or talk about his sacred desk and the church that he built and has God given authority over in his next breath. Maybe he won't complain about how busy and tired he is and how he's wasted time on people that left his church. Maybe today, I'll see what I'm missing. Maybe today, I'll see Jesus. But sadly, we leave the building again and again feeling like we just wasted time and things will never change. Some of us just think maybe there's something wrong with us. Maybe we're not spiritual enough. Maybe we aren't doing enough. Isn't church supposed to be encouraging? A safe place? A place to find life? It would be if Jesus was there. It would be if we loved like Jesus. It would be if we stopped acting like God is just like us.

Whenever I thought about Jesus, I thought about him dying on the cross for me so I didn't have to go to hell for being as rotten, horrible, and sinful as a four, five, six year old could be. I was 6 when I prayed the sinners prayer for probably the 587th time. I prayed it a few more times after that just to make sure but, I always remember this one time when I was six and I prayed and I felt like I was sorry enough and it was "the one". At 25 years old I kinda thought of Jesus as past tense. Something that happened a while ago that I barely remember. I was a "good girl". I was a people-pleaser. So I was a perfect candidate for the fake, shallow, "just follow the rules and everything is good" kind of so-called relationship with God. But fortunately, that didn't get me through hard times and it definitely didn't fill that void that we are all meant to have filled. The one that gets filled by knowing that no matter how much you screw up, God is for you. He is not against me, and just waiting for me to do something so he can chastise me. He loves me. He knows I'm human. Left to myself, I am hopeless. If we believe the things in the Bible are true, than we should be able to realize that we were not created to live this life alone. We were created to live in Gods presence in the perfect world. God never intended for us to live in a world where there was sin, hurt, pain, injustice, violence, addictions, racism, illness, death, and all the things that we have to deal with in this life. He intended for us to live with Him where all was right. But why is it when people make mistakes or are lost in life and struggling to survive, we take the very thing away from them they need the most? We convince them God is against them and unless you clean yourself up real quick, you're gonna get it. Is not Jesus the only one who can change you? You can't even change you.

So, I've learned through some difficult times that Jesus is way more loving and way more compassionate than I ever allowed myself to think. The legalistic crowd I grew up around seems so sure of what God thinks and how he would act. If I were to tell some of them how I've realized who Jesus really is and said he's the most awesome friend you could ever have, and loves me unconditionally regardless of how many times I fail to act the way he'd want me to, they'd wanna know why I didn't mention that he is a God that's full of wrath and I'd get labeled a fake, feel-good, everybody just love everybody, compromiser. In my experience, the angry God never did anything for me, but the loving and graceful One did wonders. A year and a half ago I would have let that label shut me up and stay quiet for fear of judgment, but I don't care what they think of me anymore. I believe Jesus is a friend of sinners. People wanted to hang out with Jesus. His selfless love left them different. If you experience His love, you'll be different. You'll look at people differently, and it won't be down your long nose. It'll be with compassion and the desire to show the gospel in action. An angry God never truly changed anyone. It has always been the scandalous, costly grace of God.

A prostitute knew more about Jesus than some of us do. You know, the one he allowed to anoint His feet with her perfume? Told you His grace is scandalous. If you asked her if it was His anger that made her love Him, she'd say no. She'd tell you it was His love and compassion. She'd tell you if Jesus wasn't at the Pharisees house that day, she wouldn't have had the opportunity to experience His love, grace and compassion. Instead she would've been discouraged and mistreated by the Pharisee who said "If Jesus was like me, he'd see this woman was a sinner and wouldn't let her touch him." Jesus had a few words for that man that day. In short, He said "I don't agree with you. Your ways are not my ways."

So, who is Jesus to you? Is Jesus like you? Or are you like Jesus?

#fundamentalism #legalism #jesus #abusivepastors #cultish #love #grace #sinners #lies #pharisees #judgement #rules #fear

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