#added him to my list of fictional wives

[decennia]

Ok I just gave up catching up on my dash full stop because Clementine and George and Wildest Dreams got my brain like this:

I feel I desperately need to make an OC for George but he is YOUR precious lol

So instead while I'm here, give me and I mean GIVE all your George and Clementine headcanon

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I WAS FINISHING UP SOME GIFS ✨

First things first, that image lives in my mind rent free.

Second things second, please create an OC for George holy shit please yes?! George has already been romantically (or at least sexually, because Sable is a hoe) linked to Ellis Grant from @chlobenet (nothing ever came of it, George developed an infatuation and was perpetually rebuffed by our Lord and Saviour Miss Grant), @perfectlystiles' Laurel Chase, and @randomestfandoms-ocs' Reese Masrani. It is my goal to accumulate enough George Cassidy romantic interests that I can make a Wives of Henry the Eighth edit, so literally go nuts. Everyone, Create An OC To Thirst Over George Cassidy Challenge!

The best thing about George and the other Corpsemen is that the only thing that makes them Jurassic World OCs is that they happen to be hired there. It is by no means their entire story, and although they've been around for literally three days (?!) I keep thinking of more and more things about them and I keep building their backstories to the point where dinosaurs are literally the least craziest thing they've experienced.

If I were to sum up Clem and George's relationship in a gif, though:

(This got hella out of hand so keep reading under the cut if you want to know more about George and Clementine.)

A brief history on George "Sable" Cassidy and Clementine "Calico" Roscoe:

He is known as "George" to his friends, and "Cassidy" to his enemies. "Sable" when he's on the job, and "hers" when they're alone.

But it wasn't always like that. I'm not going to bore you with the details about George's fatherless upbringing, or his reasons for joining the British military, or how he'd always been a bit of a troubled kid. Where his story really begins is when he directly disobeys orders and murders the military hostages who were responsible for the attack on his unit. He is dishonourably discharged, and is sent back to the U.K. to await trial for murder and treason.

He manages an escape and goes dark; during which time, Clementine Roscoe, an agent at Interpol, is assigned his case. Unfortunately, after a year of searching (one close call where he was literally within breathing distance of Roscoe ) and a thousand too many mistaken sightings after that, the case goes cold, and she is assigned another case, one which results in the death of her entire family.

Clementine resigns from her position after she is denied leave to pursue the murderers, and spends the next few years methodically hunting down and executing the list of people she knew to be responsible. It was enough to impress Malcolm Drake, who located and recruited her into the Corpse Corporals (aka Gucci Suicide Squad).

All this time, Cassidy had been residing in Southern Africa, making a hefty living as a poacher under ever-changing pseudonyms (I had to make y'all understand that Sable is a bad man but y'all be forgiving Tom for murder and incest so here we are but honestly did it even work because here I am, being fooled, alongside you 😭). He runs a pretty decent operation, also dabbling in the smuggling of weaponry, and he lives a comfortable life. That is, until he is betrayed by his business partners (a brother-sister duo, FCs Megan Fox and Aidan Turner? Idk, still debating) and pushed out of the business under threat of death.

He is rescued by Malcolm, who has managed to track him down, and in exchange for his life spared, he agrees to work for Malcolm. His reunion with Clem is incredibly tense, with both of them pulling their guns on each other and refusing to work together. Malcolm snaps some sense into them (that, and the sum of the payload which had so many 0's added to the end, you couldn't be sure what the number really was other than "a lot") and they swallow their pride and work together.

They would continue to work together as Calico and Sable for the years to come, and when I say it is a slow burn, I do mean THE SLOWEST OF THE SLOW. But there is definitely a fuck ton of sexual tension thrown in there for angst, and a couple of near brushes with death (hazard of the job, really).

George is a prolific man whore, and he's bisexual and proud. So Clem has gotten used to an endless slew of people of all genders cumming coming and going from his hotel room, especially during the long cons where the Corpsemen go deep undercover for months at a time (Hector doesn't come on those jobs, he's got a family to worry about. He taps out at a month, max, if he doesn't get to leave to see his family).

George Cassidy is not a man who is used to not getting what he wants, but Clementine Roscoe is the only exception to that rule. He has come to view her as "unobtainable," this irreverent forbidden thing that he must not ruin. By the time the heat of their mutual hate had dissipated, it had turned into a friendship, and although there was an undeniable electric tension between them, they have never done anything about it. But it has that "will definitely be the best sex of your life" kinda energy.

They fight quite a lot, and disagree on almost everything. Have they tried to kill each other? Oh, absolutely. But they're also professionals, and although Clementine and George may be going at it, it never bothers Malcolm, because he knows that Calico and Sable will put those differences aside and do the damn job.

Clem only involves herself in George's sex life when it comes to people who she considers friends. She has the warnings already mentally scripted, because the thing about George Cassidy is that he cares about no one but himself, and nothing but his holy trinity: blood, money, and sex. He's an emotionally devoid sociopath at the best of times, and at the worst, he's a well oiled and dangerous killing machine.

He is not a good man, Clementine knows, but sometimes, you don't want a good man.

I have a gifset in store involving the two of them, and I'm busy compiling a list of headcanons as we speak. If you want, I can tag you in it :)

But this is everything about their past and a bit of their present, so if you want to create an OC please do and tag me so I can write up a crossover and make some gifs 💕

(And before anyone comes for me, yes, I am aware of the fact that George "Sable" Cassidy is a very toxic and fucking despicable man, I created him, and I made him that way. I am not condoning his actions, nor would I want to be in a relationship with him in real life, but this is fiction. It is not meant to be taken seriously, if you don't like my hot mercenary boyfriend, then please unfollow me, because he is my current obsession, and I cannot promise that I will not be thirsting for him on my TL at any and all hours).

[deathonyourtongue]

It’s Not Over

Summary: Seven years on and the honeymoon is definitely over. Pairing: Ray Merrimen x Yvonne Levoux Word Count: 2K Warnings: A lil’ bit ‘o angst. Just a smidge though. Happy ending, I promise. A/N : This sequel was also commissioned by the fantastic @livinglifeformemyselfandi​. Thank you for all your support, hon!!

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They say that a marriage is tested at the seven-year mark, and as their anniversary approached, Yvonne was feeling the pressure.

For some reason, all their friends and family had gotten it into their heads that this was the anniversary that required an all-out party. Thankfully for her and Ray, they weren’t allowed to have a hand in any part of the planning, but that didn’t mean that Yvonne was any less stressed about it. 

“I’m telling you, if you put Eric next to Enson, there’s going to be a fight. Just telling you that right now. Don’t do it. I know, I know I’m not supposed to have any say, but I’m letting you know. Okay, bye. Love you too.” 

Sighing, Yvonne hung up the phone in her office, looking at her watch and seeing that, once again, she’d ended up working overtime. Checking her cell, she couldn’t help but feel disappointed; yet again, no text from Ray. 

Yvonne felt like she was on a mountainside with a quickly moving avalanche about to crash right onto her head. The stress of the anniversary coupled with the fact that her and Ray had firmly left the honeymoon stage of their relationship was beginning to take its toll. More than anything however, was the fact that Ray was still planning and executing heists. 

For years, Yvonne had turned a blind eye to her husband’s line of work. She’d taken inspiration from mafia wives both real and fictional, figuring that if they could make it work, so could she. Part of her initial attraction to Ray had been the fact that he’d always been something of a ‘bad boy’, even when he was a Marine. Now, heading into year seven, she was over it. Figuring out a way to broach the subject was the cherry on top of her mountain of stress. 

Rubbing her temples, Yvonne took a deep breath and grabbed her purse to go home. If things went her way, she’d be able to have some alone time before the party and put herself in a better headspace to enjoy a celebration she didn’t feel very festive about. 

To her horror, Yvonne realized the moment she turned onto her street that alone time was out of the question. With four cars crammed into her driveway like sardines, and ten to twelve more parked along the side of the street, she found herself having to park her own car at the end of her block. Frustration growing with every step, her only hope was that this was their party and not some pre-bash thrown by one of the boys in an attempt to get everyone wrecked before the actual party began. Bass thumped loud enough to be heard well away from her front door, and as she walked in without needing her key, Yvonne could feel herself hitting the tipping point.

It was the strippers that threw her over the edge. 

Ray sat on the couch flanked by two women she’d only met in passing, back before her and her husband had ever become an item. She’d been jealous of them then, knowing full well that they got to enjoy Ray in a way she, at the time, thought she never would. Now, seeing them fawning all over her husband, Yvonne was seeing red. 

With the decency to at least look shocked and contrite, Ray immediately got up and moved to greet her, hoping to smooth things over before any trouble could start. Smiling softly, he went to wrap his arms around her to welcome her home, but Yvonne was having none of it. 

“Get off me,” Yvonne hissed under her breath, her face remaining neutral as she looked past him, realizing given who was there, that everyone had agreed on the pre-party, including her own family. 

“I’m gonna go get ready. You better have this place cleared out by the time I’m done, and you and I are going to have a nice long chat before we leave.” Locking eyes with Ray to make sure he understood the severity of her position, Yvonne made her way to their bedroom and firmly locked the door behind her. 

After making sure she was truly alone, she allowed herself a few moments to wallow. Head in hand, she cried softly, letting all the self-doubt and anxiety washing over her. She couldn’t be sad when discussing things with Ray, because in her mind, it felt like emotional manipulation. She needed to be stoic, resolute, and reasonably angry with the situation at hand. Tears poured down her face as she realized things were truly coming to a head. Months and months of drifting apart had led to this very moment, and for a split second, Yvonne allowed herself to question if it was all worth it. 

Hearing the music turn off, Yvonne wiped her eyes and headed for the bathroom, knowing she only had a bit of time before everyone would be at the venue, waiting on her and Ray. Unlocking the bedroom door silently on her way to their en-suite, she wasn’t surprised when she heard the knob turn while she began touching up her makeup. 

Yvonne kept her back to Ray as he sat on the bed with a sigh, the mirror reflecting the stress in his body language as he rubbed a hand over his buzzed hair. Though part of her heart softened at seeing him looking earnestly upset, Yvonne had to remind herself that it wasn’t just tonight that had caused her stress, but the overall pattern of behavior Ray had displayed with more and more frequency over the last few months. 

With one last swipe of highlighter across her high cheekbones, Yvonne finally turned to face her husband, her own expression stoic and aloof. “Do you still love me? Do you still want to be with me? Or do you want me to cut you loose and let you go?” 

Ray’s reaction wasn’t at all what she’d expected, and Yvonne found a lump forming in her throat as she watched her husband. Eyes wide with shock and hurt, it was clear that this was news to him, and for a moment, Yvonne felt bad for starting off with such pointed questions. 

“How are you even going to ask me that? Of course I love you, of course I want to be with you! What the hell, Yvonne?”

“You have a real funny way of showing it, Ray. Looked pretty comfy between Becky and Lourdes there. Not to mention all the days where I text and you don’t answer back for hours, if at all. Coming home and finding you either not there, or just sitting on the couch, having done nothing to help around the house. Can’t remember the last time you told me you loved me, hugged me, or even really kissed me. And don’t think I don’t know what happened on the last job, Ray!” Yvonne was careful in how she phrased her accusations; while neither her nor Ray were so paranoid as to think their house was bugged, she never wanted something she said to incriminate him in any way. 

Ray was silent for a moment, scrubbing a hand over his face before looking up at his wife. She could see the anger in his eyes even before she heard it in his voice.

“You know damn well that wasn’t what was supposed to happen! And don’t even start about the girls. I’ve never once looked at another woman since getting with you, and I damn well wasn’t about to start today on our anniversary! It takes two to tango, so while you’re over here saying I’m not home, I’m not helping, etcetera, when’s the last time you were actually home on time? When’s the last time you actually spent your days off hanging out with me when I ask you to instead of brushing me off and burying yourself in your files and books? When’s the last time you weren’t embarrassed to be seen with me, Yvonne?”

The last one stung, because there was a grain of truth to it. 

Though not a conscious choice at first, Yvonne had begun putting distance between herself and Ray, mainly because of his line of work and how he chose to carry himself. It wasn’t so much embarrassment as it was the reaction of her colleagues, co-workers and other professionals when it came to Ray. She could clearly remember the night she brought him to one of the fundraising galas her group had thrown to raise awareness for mental health. Despite donning a suit and being as polite and professional as he could be, as the night progressed and people began to rub him the wrong way, Ray’s true colors came out. By the time it was over, Yvonne was well aware they were being whispered about and that inviting him to any future events was out of the question. 

“I just...I didn’t think you’d still be doing what you’re doing all these years later. Thought after the first big one, you’d have put in the towel and found something else to fill your time.” 

“Say it, Yvonne. I wanna hear it from your lips. Go on, say that you’re tired of me doing what I do, and then just give me that ultimatum we both know is coming.” 

“Is that what you want? Want me to show you the door, Ray? Want the easy way out, because you can’t stop for one second and think about how your actions have consequences that extend far beyond your own selfish ego?”

“Selfish? Oh, I’m selfish? Funny. Last I checked what I do for a living put this roof over your head and all those designer outfits in your closet. It’s nice to have a husband that can get you whatever you want whenever you want, so long as you don’t have to think about how he gets his money.”

“Excuse me, but did you forget that I work too? That I contribute? That I had money in the bank long before you came along? Don’t kid yourself, Ray. If we end things, I’m not going to be out on the street begging for change. And don’t you dare make this about the money! You know I don’t care about that. I care about you making it home, about you not doing another run in Victorville. I care about you being here for-” 

Yvonne didn’t realize she was crying until the hiccuped sob left her throat mid-sentence. Wiping her eyes without regard for how smeared her makeup got, she looked up at the ceiling for a moment, wishing she’d been able to tell him under better circumstances. 

“I care about you. I love you, Ray. I want you to stop, because if something happened to you, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself, and I wouldn’t be the only one you’d be leaving behind.” 

Face crumbling, Yvonne sunk into the highback chair that sat by the window across from their bed. The room was silent aside from her sniffles, and when she finally looked up, it was to a frown on Ray’s face. Despite all their troubles, they’d had a few good days here and there, and on more than one of those days, they’d been too caught up to take the usual precautions. Now, with everything hanging in the balance, Yvonne felt like kicking herself for not being careful.

When it was clear Ray wasn’t going to say a word, Yvonne stood up and moved back to the bathroom, hoping some cold water would stop the tears and ease the ache that was already squeezing her heart.

“You can go, Ray. I’m staying home tonight. Don’t feel much like celebrating,” she said bitterly, tears slipping down her face faster than she could wipe them away with her makeup towel. Closing her eyes tight, she let the ice-cold water dissolve her tears, Yvonne hoping that by the time she was ready to dry her face, that Ray would be gone. 

Instead, she found him behind her, his face unreadable. Turning to face him, Yvonne did her best to remember her own hurt and the fact the fact that the choices he made were ones she could no longer live with.

“We’re having a baby?” He whispered, disbelief and wonder coating his tone. With the utmost care, Ray slid his hand along Yvonne’s still-flat stomach, almost as if touching it would make it real in his mind. Looking up, Yvonne’s dissolve crumbled a little more, seeing Ray’s lip quivering as he focused his attention on where he was touching. 

“Yeah. If you want to, yeah,” she choked out, her own voice barely audible. 

The hug she was engulfed in took her breath away and reminded her of their first hug, back when he’d been released, only this one was much more intense.

“Whatever it takes, I’m willing to put in the work. I don’t want to lose you. That was never my intention, ever, Yvonne. I need you to know that. I love you with all my heart and soul. I know I said I understood what it did to you and to our families back when we first got together, but I didn’t. Not truly. It stops now. I’m done. I can’t risk losing the most precious thing in my life; you.”

When the tears subsided, Yvonne reached up and wiped Ray’s eyes, smiling as she felt his thumbs gently brush under her own. “I love you, Ray. Always have, always will. We just couldn’t keep going the way we were or we’d end up having to go our separate ways.   

“I love you. I’m sorry I haven’t shown it. That stops today too.” Ray affirmed, nuzzling his face into her touch before placing a sweet kiss to the center of her palm. Cupping her face, he sealed his promise, kissing Yvonne deeply as he blindly pulled her up into his arms. 

With her legs locked around his waist, Yvonne couldn’t keep from smiling, even if she wanted to. One hand stroking over Ray’s head while the other pressed gently on his chest, Yvonne’s grin grew ear-to-ear as he carried her towards their bed, setting her down softly before making quick work of burying his head under her flowing skirt. 

“You keep this up and we’re gonna be late, baby.” She chuckled, a sharp inhale coming on the heels of her words. The feeling her husband’s wet tongue sliding through her folds even as he peeled off her thong was enough to stop any higher brain function, and Yvonne let her eyes close, enjoying the moment. 

“They can wait.” Ray answered, his head popping out from under her skirt, her thong swinging around his index finger. Yvonne was still laughing even as Ray dove back in, sensing the change in her husband and knowing that, once and for all, Ray was home. 

[ashleysitalianlitblog]

My Brilliant Friend (HBO Tie-in Edition): Book 1: Childhood and Adolescence

From the famous Italian author Elena Ferrante, the story is about a poor but vibrant neighborhood on the outskirts of Naples, Elena Ferrante’s four-volume story spans almost sixty years, as its main characters, the fiery and unforgettable Lila and the bookish narrator, Elena, become women, wives, mothers, and leaders, all the while maintaining a complex and at times conflicted friendship. This first novel in the series follows Lila and Elena from their fateful meeting as ten-year-olds through their school years and adolescence. This book is now turning into an HBO MAX show and it’s a young adult classic in modern-day Italy

The Story of a New Name (HBO Tie-in Edition): Book 2: Youth

The follow-up to My Brilliant Friend, The Story of a New Name continues the epic New York Times–bestselling literary quartet that has inspired an HBO series and returns us to the world of Lila and Elena, who grew up together in post-WWII Naples, Italy. 

In The Story of a New Name, Lila has recently married and made her entrée into the family business; Elena, meanwhile, continues her studies and her exploration of the world beyond the neighborhood that she so often finds stifling. Marriage appears to have imprisoned Lila, and the pressure to excel is at times too much for Elena. Yet the two young women share a complex and evolving bond that is central to their emotional lives and a source of strength in the face of life’s challenges. In these Neapolitan Novels, Elena Ferrante, “one of the great novelists of our time” (The New York Times), gives us a poignant and universal story about friendship and belonging, a meditation on love and jealousy, freedom and commitment—at once a masterfully plotted page-turner and an intense, generous-hearted family saga. 

Adua

The book Adua is by lgiaba Scego has historical references and looks into the life of an immigrant. The story is about Adua, an immigrant from Somalia to Italy who has lived in Rome for nearly forty years. She came seeking freedom from a strict father and an oppressive regime, but her dreams of becoming a film star ended in shame. Now that the civil war in Somalia is over, her homeland beckons. Yet Adua has a husband who needs her, a young man, also an immigrant, who braved a dangerous crossing of the Mediterranean Sea. When her father, who worked as an interpreter for Mussolini's fascist regime,  dies, Adua inherits the family home. She must decide whether to make the journey back to reclaim her material inheritance, but also how to take charge of her own story and build a future. From the choices of being an adult to a wife, the book gives us a look of the hard choices life gives us in a heartbreaking story. 

100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed

An instant blockbuster in Italy that went on to become an international literary phenomenon, 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed is the fictionalized memoir of Melissa P., a Sicilian teenager whose quest for love rapidly devolves into a shocking journey of sexual discovery.

Melissa begins her diary a virgin, but a stormy affair at the age of fourteen leads her to regard sex as a means of self-discovery, and for the next two years she plunges into a succession of encounters with various partners, male and female, her age and much older, some met through schoolmates, others through newspaper ads and Internet chat rooms. In graphic detail, she describes her journey through a Dante-Esque underworld of eroticism, where she willingly participates in group sex and sadomasochism, as well as casual pickup

The Scent of Your Breath

Melissa P.’s fictionalized memoir, 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed, became an international literary phenomenon, selling over two million copies worldwide and provoking a warning from the pope. The Scent of Your Breath, the second installment in her series of confessions, is a tale of obsessive love and destructive passion.

Melissa is now a successful writer in Rome, living with her new lover, Thomas. With his soft body and feminine eyelashes, he is sensual, patient, and comforting—the antithesis of all the men who came before. But as soon as she meets Viola, a young woman from Thomas’s past, Melissa is consumed with jealousy. Written as a confessional letter to her mother, the story that follows is one of dark obsession, violent lust, and soul-destroying talent, teeming with the ghosts and dragonfly-women Melissa is convinced are trying to steal her man and bring about her ruin. The Scent of Your Breath blurs the boundaries between reality and fantasy and delves deep into the disturbing yet strangely familiar mind of a teenage girl terrorized by love.

Three O'Clock in the Morning Is by Italian author Gianrico Carofiglio the contemporary heart-waring piece is about Antonio is eighteen years old and on the cusp of adulthood. His father, a brilliant mathematician, hasn’t played a large part in his life since divorcing Antonio’s mother but when Antonio is diagnosed with epilepsy, they travel to Marseille to visit a doctor who may hold the hope for an effective treatment. It is there, in a foreign city, under strained circumstances, that they will get to know each other and connect for the first time. A beautiful, gritty, and charming port city where French old-world charm meets modern bohemia, father and son stroll the streets sharing strained small talk. But as the hours pass and day give way tonight, the two find themselves caught in a series of caffeine-imbued adventures involving unexpected people (and unforeseen trysts) that connect father and son for the first time. As the two discuss poetry, family, sex, math, death, and dreams, their experience becomes a mesmerizing 48-hour microcosm of a lifetime relationship. Both learn much about illusions and regret, about talent and redemption, and, most of all, about love. This heartwarming story has captured the modern Italian audience. 

Lost Words

Winner of the Viareggio Prize, a vivid portrait of Italy on the brink of social upheaval in the 1970s.The author Nicola Gardini, writes about the Inside an apartment building on the outskirts of Milan, the working-class residents gossip, quarrel, and conspire against each other. Viewed through the eyes of Chino, an impressionable thirteen-year-old boy whose mother is the doorwoman of the building, the world contained within these walls is tiny, hypocritical, and mean-spirited: a constant struggle. Chino finds escape in reading. One day, a new resident, Amelia Lynd, moves in and quickly becomes an unlikely companion and a formative influence on Chino. Ms. Lynd—an elderly, erudite British woman—comes to nurture his taste in literature, introduces him to the life of the mind, and offers a counterpoint to the only version of reality that he’s known. On one level, Lost Words is an engrossing coming-of-age tale set in the seventies, when Italy was going through tumultuous social changes, and on another, it is a powerful meditation on language, literature, and culture.

Things That Happened Before the Earthquake

The book by Chiara Barzini describes a story about Mere weeks after the 1992 riots that laid waste to Los Angeles, Eugenia, a typical Italian teenager, is rudely yanked from her privileged Roman milieu by her hippie-ish filmmaker parents and transplanted to the strange suburban world of the San Fernando Valley. With only the Virgin Mary to call on for guidance as her parents struggle to make it big, Hollywood fashion, she must navigate her huge new public high school, complete with Crips and Bloods and Persian gang members, and a car-based environment of 99-cent stores and obscure fast-food franchises and all-night raves. She forges friendships with Henry, who runs his mother's movie memorabilia store, and the bewitching Deva, who introduces her to the alternate cultural universe that is Topanga Canyon. And then the 1994 earthquake rocks the foundations not only of Eugenia's home but of the future she'd been imagining for herself.

I'll Steal You Away

Italian literary superstar Niccolò Ammaniti’s novel, I’m Not Scared, prompted gushing praise, hit international bestseller lists, and was made into a smash indie film. In I’ll Steal You Away, Ammaniti takes his unparalleled empathy for children, his scythe-sharp observations, and his knack for building tension to a whole new level. In a tiny Italian village, a young boy named Pietro is growing up tormented by bullies and ignored by his parents. When an aging playboy, Graziano Biglia, returns to town, a change is in the air: Pietro decides to take on the bullies, his lonely teacher Flora finds romance with the town’s prodigal son, and the inept janitor at the school proclaims his love for his favorite prostitute. But the village isn’t ready for such change, and when Graziano seduces and forgets Flora, both she and Pietro’s tentative hopes seem crushed forever. With great tenderness, Ammaniti shines light on the heart-wrenching failures and quiet redemptions of ordinary people trying to live extraordinary lives.

Heaven and Earth: A Novel Every summer Teresa follows her father to his childhood home in Puglia, down in the heel of Italy, a land of relentless, shimmering heat, centuries-old olive groves and families who have lived there for generations. She spends long afternoons enveloped in a sunstruck stupor, reading her grandmother's paperbacks.

Everything changes the summer she meets the three boys who live on the farm next door: Nicola, Tommaso and Bern—the man Teresa will love for the rest of her life. Raised like brothers on a farm that feels to Teresa almost suspended in time, the three boys share a complex, intimate, and seemingly unassailable bond.But no bond is unbreakable and no summer truly endless, as Teresa soon discovers.Because there is resentment underneath the surface of that strange brotherhood, a twisted kind of love that protects a dark secret. And when Bern—the enigmatic, restless gravitational center of the group—commits a brutal act of revenge, not even a final pilgrimage to the edge of the world will be enough to bring back those perfect, golden hours in the shadow of the olive trees.

An unforgettable story of enduring love, the bonds between men, and the all-too-human search for meaning, Heaven and Earth is Paolo Giordano at his best: an author capable of unveiling the depths of the human soul, who has now given us the old-fashioned pleasure of a big, sprawling novel in which to lose ourselves

[drwcn]

... I must say, it's really nice to know it wasn't only I who found book!LWJ's attitude unnerving. He was shown a posessive there, I think? The funniest thing that TGCF I actually liked, because despite one of 'merry couple' fangirling for another for years, he still gave him free space and trusted to make his own decisions.

Hi anons! :)

This post is gonna get kind of wanky, so be warned. If you don’t want wank, well don’t read this post. I really don’t like to answer wank asks because only positive vibes for my blog please and thanks (but don’t worry anons, I’m not mad, I’m just gonna put the three of you together so I can talk about some of mdzs’s problems once and for all).  Also disclaimer: my opinions are my own, I could be wrong about some things. I have only dabbled in the novel, some chapters here and there, and I really couldn’t finish it. I went ahead and read the original text, which is actually quite well written all things considered. The translations are fine, but it just doesn’t quite hit the spot. Thus, if I said some things which are factually incorrect, I am not opposed to being notified.  

First and foremost, for the anon that asked “what’s wrong with mxtx?” The short answer is nothing is wrong with her. She’s an author who writes popular online novels with a wide readership. Clearly people are receptive to what she’s putting out there. Good for her, you know. It’s not easy to be that well received. 

But in terms of her novels, there are several things that I personally don’t like. I’m just gonna list some of the things she’s said about MDZS/CQL. I have not consumed any of her other work. 

First, her treatment of her female characters. In an interview, she literally said that most of the men in her MDZS novel are single because she didn’t want to come up with names for their wives. Like....what the fuck. Take from that what you will. Also, look at her female characters. Seriously, what kind of fates did they have? According to another OP, all the female characters’ lines in MDZS added up to 50 sentences. Don’t quote me on this, I did not fact check. This is just what I heard. But even within the narrative itself, let’s do a body count. Jiang Yanli died for plot. Wen Qing died for plot. Qin Su existed and died for plot. A-Jing existed for 45 seconds and then died for plot. Baoshan exists in narration only. Madam Yu was a raging asshole. Madam Jin treated Jin Guangyao like trash. Cangse Sanren: dead. Mama Lan: (no name lol) dead. Where are the fucking women? Where? Let’s not forget all the other women that existed purely as plot device: Sisi, Bicao, Meng Shi. Mianmian is the only one who lived, but she literally had to - quote Eliza Hamilton - “take myself out of the narrative” to do it. 

Second, and this is a well known thing: mxtx claimed that the only canon gay relationship is wangxian, everyone else is straight because she doesn’t think it’s likely that there are that many gay people. If we interpret other male characters as couples, we’re free to have our own interpretation. ... ..... .... I’m fucking speechless. But also laughing because LHK and ZZJ literally ignored canon, and straight up made LXC and MY have a meet cute in class in front of everyone. 

Third, but not least, let’s talk about book!Lan Wangji. The following will strictly be talking about book!Lan Wangji and not show!Lan Wangji. Show Lan Wangji is very nuanced and WYB’s micro-expressions are great. (You’re doing amazing sweeties, don’t ever stop).

 What, pray tell, is book!LWJ’s personality? Silence is not a personality. book!LWJ is what we critics in the drama world call “高冷霸道总裁”, which is a trope in and of itself. And there’s nothing wrong with tropes, except a lot of viewers are getting...kind of sick of it, because it’s getting a little repetitive. 

高冷 = arrogant and cold, but like... in an admirably good way. Or as I like to call it, a stick up the butt and no communication skills. 

霸道总裁 = The Big Boss.  Attention: lemme use some heteronormative language here for a second because most of cdrama is written this way. The Big Boss is the fictional counterpart to the real life 高富帅 (gao fu shuai: tall, rich and handsome, the moniker for an ideal husband) that many aunties and mothers wish their daughters could marry. This kind of character is tall, rich and will swoop in to save the damsel-in-distress - erm, I mean the strong independent female character - when she’s in trouble. Because even though she’s a strong independent character, and sometimes even the main character, somehow her fellow male lead still has to play her knight in shiny armor. Not like, he’ll sit down and listen to her talk about her problems, no, no, he has to pay for her expenses, bail her out of trouble, save her life, sacrifice himself, go against the world for her... sounds familiar??? 

Yeah. 

And like, some novels do “the big boss” trope better than other. They give the “the big boss” a human side, let him interact with side characters, allow him to have friends, build on other relationships, such that he is 3D and can stand on his own. Eternal Love of Dream’s DongHua Dijun is a recent example which I think did a pretty good job of writing a male character that doesn’t let him revolve around the love interest 24/7. 

book!LWJ doesn’t work for me because what exactly is his character growth? He serves to back up Wei Wuxian and.....????? He’s so flat in his character built. He loves Wei Wuxian and....that’s it. What else is there? If there’s other character traits y’all picked up on that I didn’t, please let me know because I find him so boring and at times disturbing (in terms of the nature of his physical relationship with Wei Wuxian). 

In CQL, we saw Lan Wangji change as a character, we saw him struggle with morals and values, struggle against tradition and family and societal expectations. We watched him witness the death of Wei Wuxian and move on to face life afterwards. We know through the actions of Lan Sizhui that he helped raise a child who didn’t just follow rules blindly. When Wei Wuxian came back, we saw a matured Lan Wangji who had come into his own and was comfortable in his own skin. And in the end, when the dust settled and the truth was revealed, he rose to the occasion. Jin Guangyao’s death left a power vacuum, and Lan Wangji filled it. Someone once wrote an excellent post about Lan Wangji being attracted to Wei Wuxian’s sense of justice (recall Wang Yibo’s change in expression when Wei Wuxian prayed during the lantern ceremony). I think that is exactly right. For two individuals with such different personalities, their bond in my opinion lies in their ability to see right and wrong beyond rules and laws and customs.  

In the book, canon ended with the two main character going at it in the grass, and I guess...yeah that’s cool. Happy ending right? But what they did learn? What was the point? Lan Wangji had lived 13/16 years without Wei Wuxian. He knew who he was. But for Wei Wuxian, he came back to life in another person’s body and went through a gazillion different revelation within days. He needed to find himself again, discover who he is, what he wants in this new life. That is a process he needs to do by himself, without external influences and pressure. He needs to be given a chance to decide that Lan Wangji is who he wants in this life, not in the last life, and when he does Lan Wangji will still be here, waiting for him, as he has always waited for him. Lan Wangji is the rock, the constant, the home that Wei Wuxian could always fall back on. He is not a prison, not a master, not the dictator of Wei Wuxian’s life. Theirs should be a partnership of respect and understanding. They are soulmates not only in the romantic sense, but because they understand each other better than anyone else. 

Book!LWJ does not give us that. What it does give us is a badly written sexual intercourse that gives me the heebee-jeebees. Sometimes I think it’s even weirdly dub-con without intending to be dub-con. The truth is I can’t even begrudge mxtx for it, because she is not the only one to write in this way. I’ve read other c-novels and many many of them are like that. And here is where we’re getting into the discussion of cultural understanding/acceptance of sex, relationship, consent, gender roles and the what is taught to young adults in school. That is a rabbit hole I won’t go into. 

So that’s it. My thoughts. 

[thetypedwriter]

The Music of What Happens Book Review

The Music of What Happens by Bill Konigsberg Book Review 

I don’t think I like this book. 

I know that’s a strong statement right off the bat, but it’s mostly true. However, there was also something about it that I didn’t quite hate and, as usual, I will try my very best to put forth both the positives and the negatives of this read into some sort of subjective semblance of rationality. 

Now, firstly I’d like to thank @chapterhappy98​ for the recommendation. I love getting book recommendations (just not when people actually buy me books-see previous reviews) and this one seemed totally up my alley. 

For a novel I’d never heard of before it had a lot of components that excited me. An LGBTQ+ romance? I’m here for it. One of the main characters being half-Mexican and half-white? Love the representation. A cute plot centered around summer and food trucks? Yes, please. 

All the ingredients were there for a good book, but the way the book was written, the perspective of the characters, and the characters themselves made this a slog for me. On paper, this should have been lauded as a cute fluffy novel with some very deep feels, but instead I found it tedious, aggravating, and thankful that it was at least short. 

The positives are everything I mentioned above. The plot itself is cute. Food truck summer romance is not a plot I’ve read before, but it's original enough to be intriguing and cute enough to be endearing. High quality fanfiction fodder right here. 

Although the representation could have been better, it was sufficient. I enjoyed the fact that Max’s mother was Mexican while his father was a whiter-than-toast comedian from Indiana. Both Max and Jordan have friends who are white and friends who are not and I enjoyed that Konigsberg portrayed the distinct friend groups as such and that moments of race do come up. 

For example, like when Jordan suggests they steal prickly pears from people’s yards and Max shuts it down before the idea can even coalesce because a white boy stealing pears from yards is a hooligan move, a Mexican kid stealing pears from yards is a crime. 

Small introspective moments like this were very interesting and added a layer of reality to the novel that I appreciated. On this same route, both Max and Jordan, our two main characters with revolving perspectives, are going through some deep trauma and while it wasn’t amazingly handled, I did appreciate moments towards the end where Konigsberg actually has the characters face what they are going through and take appropriate routes to fix them or start the healing process (acceptance, counseling, etc). 

By no means did I think the book handled sensitive topics such as rape, addiction, bullying, and self-esteem issues well, but at the very least, most of the issues were adequately addressed and on the right path towards healing and rehabilitation which is more than I can say for some other novels. 

Now, for the negatives. Buckle up, people. 

First off, the writing. 

I found it abhorrent. I don't know if this is just Konigsberg’s style of writing, but it did not vibe with me at all. I found his writing and dialogue superfluous, cheesy, and gag-inducing. 

To me, this is not how real people talk, think, or interact, but instead a grown ass man’s idea of how teenagers think, talk, and interact. It made me truly wonder if Konigsberg has actually ever met a teenager in his life. 

As a high school teacher, I interact with teenagers on a daily basis. I know how they talk and interact, and through their journals and papers, I can generally grasp at least a preview into how they think. 

It’s like Konigsberg took every adolescent stereotype that exists and stuffed it onto his pages with mediocre words and subpar humor. The Music of What Happens is a pantomime of the teenage experience and I found it extremely irritating. 

Secondly, the perspectives of both Jordan and Max are maddening and irksome, although Jordan more so I have to admit. Both of these characters suffer from what I call “Woe is Me” syndrome. This is the idea that making a character have a sad or tragic backstory or circumstances also makes them deep and complex. 

This is so far from the truth it hurts. 

Trauma and tragedies are not simply fodder to build a cheap and easy way for a character or a plot to build depth. It should be handled with care, with consequences, and with other characteristics built in that are reasonable and befitting of the whole character. Both Max and Jordan were almost laughably tragic. 

Max’s parents split up, and while his mom Rosa is the MVP of the book, his dad is nothing more than a useless caricature of the absentee father, so much so that when Max admits to his sexual assault his dad does nothing, but makes a joke and talks about a stand-up routine he has coming up. 

Jordan is much, much worse. This boy is the most self-deprecating, pitying thing I have ever read.

 (Spoilers ahead for the novel and Jordan’s circumstances). 

His friends who he calls his “wives” (cue eye roll) bully him, his mother is a gambling addict with bipolar disorder, he believes he killed his father by giving him a heart attack on his sick bed, and he’s about to be homeless unless he can make money from his dad’s old food truck and save his mortgage. 

It’s absolutely ridiculous. 

I’m not trying to make light of these issues, but the way Konigsberg handled these characters went like this: “Hmmmm how can I make interesting teenagers? I know! Let’s make everything in their life miserable. Yes, that will make readers care!”

In case you were wondering, no, it didn’t work. 

Just because Jordan and Max are tragic characters did not mean I cared for them or even liked them. If the idea was to build complexity and sympathy that absolutely failed. If anything, I felt frustrated by the circumstances, vexed by the way both boys handled their issues, and galled at how the surrounding world allowed it to happen. 

In addition, going back to the idea that Konigsberg has never met a single teenager in his life, both Max and Jordan fell into such archetypal teenage tropes that I felt my teeth rotting. 

They fell in love after hanging out twice, their reasons for liking each other were abysmal and perfunctory, and if anything, the only reason I actually saw these two working in any way was simply because they were both the only other gay person they knew, which is not even an adequate component. 

The romance felt strained and uncomfortable and the “dates” they went on made me laugh with absurdity. Picking up stuffed animals at midnight to put them at the front of the zoo? Who does that? I didn’t find it charming, I didn’t find it unique, and I didn’t find it cute. 

I found it odd and unrealistic. 

Which, at the end of the day, is what irked me about this book the most: it was unrealistic. 

You might say: “Typedwriter! That’s unfair! You read about vampires and fairies and all sorts of fantasy creatures and worlds!”

You’re right, I do. But fantasy and unrealism are not synonyms. Fantasy I love. Even within fantasy worlds there needs to be rules and order. There are still expectations and realistic behaviors and laws that govern fictional creatures and lands. 

For a novel that is supposed to depict real life and real teenagers The Music of What Happens edges on the side of surreal for me. Surreal is also fine if that is the targeted result. 

In Konigsberg’s case, however, I don’t believe that was the intention. I got the feeling that Konigsberg wanted this to be a real and deep portrayal of love and adolescence and instead I found it ludicrous and nonsensical. 

Everything about this book bordered on nonsensical. Two boys running a food truck without any knowledge or prior experience and ending up making thousands of dollars? Okayyyyy, sure. Jordan’s mother’s behavior, gambling addiction, and speech? Preposterous. The way Max and Jordan talked to each other and their friends? Almost like a robot’s depiction of how they think humans communicate. 

At the end of the day, this book’s unrealistic look at life, love, relationships, trauma, and consequences ruined it for me. It’s certainly not the worst thing I’ve ever read, but most of this book was just a mindless jumble of words that didn’t form a proper connection to me as a reader. 

As listed above, not everything was horrible and I’m not trying to make it out like it was, but for the most part, I didn’t enjoy this book as I stated from the beginning. 

As always, this is just my opinion. I still love that it was recommended and I mean no harm to anyone who does love this book. Perhaps if I was a young teenager I would have connected more with the self-deprecating monologues and pity parties. Perhaps if I wasn't so skeptical I could actually believe two sixteen-year olds could pull off a food truck success, but alas I’m not and I couldn’t. 

If this book brought out tender feelings and emotions for you, however, I am glad because isn’t that why we read? 

Unfortunately, this was not the case for me for The Music of What Happens. 

Recommendation: Unrealistic everything made this book toiling drudgery for me. Take the idea of a cute summer romance on a food truck, apply it to your favorite fandom and OTP for a Valentine's Day prompt, and then happily move on with your life without having the need to pick up The Music of What Happens. 

Score: 3/10

[papermoonloveslucy]

THE WILLS

March 19, 1950

“The Wills” (aka “The Coopers Make Their Wills”) is episode #80 of the radio series MY FAVORITE HUSBAND broadcast on March 19, 1950.

Synopsis ~  After Liz and George make out their wills, Liz is convinced that George intends to do away with her. Liz is startled to find a receipt for some arsenic and rope in his pocket, but is shocked when George suggests a trip to the country - with a one-way ticket for Liz!

Starting with this episode, “My Favorite Husband” moved from Thursday nights, to Sunday nights. 

Note: This program was used as a basis for a scene in “I Love Lucy” episode “Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her” (ILL S1;E4) filmed on September 8, 1951 and first aired November 5, 1951. For various reasons, it was the first episode of the series filmed, but the fourth aired. 

“My Favorite Husband” was based on the novels Mr. and Mrs. Cugat, the Record of a Happy Marriage (1940) and Outside Eden (1945) by Isabel Scott Rorick, which had previously been adapted into the film Are Husbands Necessary? (1942). “My Favorite Husband” was first broadcast as a one-time special on July 5, 1948. Lucille Ball and Lee Bowman played the characters of Liz and George Cugat, and a positive response to this broadcast convinced CBS to launch “My Favorite Husband” as a series. Bowman was not available Richard Denning was cast as George. On January 7, 1949, confusion with bandleader Xavier Cugat prompted a name change to Cooper. On this same episode Jell-O became its sponsor. A total of 124 episodes of the program aired from July 23, 1948 through March 31, 1951. After about ten episodes had been written, writers Fox and Davenport departed and three new writers took over – Bob Carroll, Jr., Madelyn Pugh, and head writer/producer Jess Oppenheimer. In March 1949 Gale Gordon took over the existing role of George’s boss, Rudolph Atterbury, and Bea Benadaret was added as his wife, Iris. CBS brought “My Favorite Husband” to television in 1953, starring Joan Caulfield and Barry Nelson as Liz and George Cooper. The television version ran two-and-a-half seasons, from September 1953 through December 1955, running concurrently with “I Love Lucy.” It was produced live at CBS Television City for most of its run, until switching to film for a truncated third season filmed (ironically) at Desilu and recasting Liz Cooper with Vanessa Brown.

MAIN CAST

Lucille Ball (Liz Cooper) was born on August 6, 1911 in Jamestown, New York. She began her screen career in 1933 and was known in Hollywood as ‘Queen of the B’s’ due to her many appearances in ‘B’ movies. With Richard Denning, she starred in a radio program titled “My Favorite Husband” which eventually led to the creation of “I Love Lucy,” a television situation comedy in which she co-starred with her real-life husband, Latin bandleader Desi Arnaz. The program was phenomenally successful, allowing the couple to purchase what was once RKO Studios, re-naming it Desilu. When the show ended in 1960 (in an hour-long format known as “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour”) so did Lucy and Desi’s marriage. In 1962, hoping to keep Desilu financially solvent, Lucy returned to the sitcom format with “The Lucy Show,” which lasted six seasons. She followed that with a similar sitcom “Here’s Lucy” co-starring with her real-life children, Lucie and Desi Jr., as well as Gale Gordon, who had joined the cast of “The Lucy Show” during season two. Before her death in 1989, Lucy made one more attempt at a sitcom with “Life With Lucy,” also with Gordon.

Richard Denning (George Cooper) was born Louis Albert Heindrich Denninger Jr., in Poughkeepsie, New York. When he was 18 months old, his family moved to Los Angeles. Plans called for him to take over his father’s garment manufacturing business, but he developed an interest in acting. Denning enlisted in the US Navy during World War II. He is best known for his  roles in various science fiction and horror films of the 1950s. Although he teamed with Lucille Ball on radio in “My Favorite Husband,” the two never acted together on screen. While “I Love Lucy” was on the air, he was seen on another CBS TV series, “Mr. & Mrs. North.” From 1968 to 1980 he played the Governor on “Hawaii 5-0″, his final role. He died in 1998 at age 84.

Gale Gordon (Rudolph Atterbury) had worked with Lucille Ball on “The Wonder Show” on radio in 1938. One of the front-runners to play Fred Mertz on “I Love Lucy,” he eventually played Alvin Littlefield, owner of the Tropicana, during two episodes in 1952. After playing a Judge in an episode of “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour” in 1958, he would re-team with Lucy for all of her subsequent series’: as Theodore J. Mooney in ”The Lucy Show”; as Harrison Otis Carter in “Here’s Lucy”; and as Curtis McGibbon on “Life with Lucy.” Gordon died in 1995 at the age of 89.

Bea Benadaret (Iris Atterbury) does not appear in this episode. 

Ruth Perrott (Katie, the Maid) was also later seen on “I Love Lucy.” She first played Mrs. Pomerantz (above right), a member of the surprise investigating committee for the Society Matrons League in “Pioneer Women” (ILL S1;E25), as one of the member of the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League in “Lucy and Ethel Buy the Same Dress” (ILL S3;E3), and also played a nurse when “Lucy Goes to the Hospital” (ILL S2;E16). She died in 1996 at the age of 96.

Bob LeMond (Announcer) also served as the announcer for the pilot episode of “I Love Lucy”. When the long-lost pilot was finally discovered in 1990, a few moments of the opening narration were damaged and lost, so LeMond – fifty years later – recreated the narration for the CBS special and subsequent DVD release.

GUEST CAST

Herb Vigran (Doctor Stephens) made several appearances on “My Favorite Husband.” He would later play Jule, Ricky’s music union agent on two episodes of “I Love Lucy”. He would go on to play Joe (and Mrs. Trumbull’s nephew), the washing machine repairman in “Never Do Business With Friends” (S2;E31) and Al Sparks, the publicity man who hires Lucy and Ethel to play Martians on top of the Empire State Building in “Lucy is Envious” (S3;E23). Of his 350 screen roles, he also made six appearances on “The Lucy Show.”

EPISODE

ANNOUNCER: “As we look in on the Coopers tonight, it's just after dinner, and we find Liz and George settling down to a normal evening's conversation.”  

George has something he needs to talk to Liz about. Liz immediately thinks it is something to do with her household budget, but George wants to talk about their wills. The subject immediately upsets Liz. The idea of living without George sends Liz into gales of tears. George wants her to read it, and threatens to leave everything to his mother if she doesn’t. Liz snatches the will from him. George then tells her that he has had her will drawn up as well. 

LIZ: “What for? You're the one who's going! What are you trying to do, push me ahead of you in line?”

George reminds her of the three acres of Florida beachfront property that her father left her, which she calls ‘Sunken Acres.’  George always assumed it was oil land. 

LIZ: “If there's any oil down there, it's still in a whale. Oh! I see it all now, George! You want me to sign a will leaving everything to you, and then you'll bump me off! You want to get your dirty fishhooks on my oil holdings!

Liz agrees to read and sign the will as the scene fades out.  At the bank the next day, Mr. Atterbury notices that George seems tired. George admits he was up late talking to Liz about their wills. Mr. Atterbury proposes that the Coopers join him and Iris at their mountain lodge for the weekend, flying up, and then leaving the girls there for the week while they fly back for work. The following weekend they will drive up to get them in Mr. Atterbury’s new car. 

Mr. Atterbury has already bought the airline tickets and asks George to go to the hardware store for a few items. 

MR. ATTERBERRY: “I need poison for those horrible little gophers up there. And some rope for a clothesline, and a couple of sacks of cement. Iris wants a patio so she can sunbathe. Come to think of it, that ought to keep the gophers away.” GEORGE:  “Let me make a list on the back of this envelope. Now, poison, ropes, cement...” MR. ATTERBERRY: “Oh, and I need an axe, too.”

Mr. Atterbury tells George that they should tell their wives that they are just going for a weekend, so that they don’t rush out to buy a week’s worth of new clothes.

At the Cooper home, Katie the Maid is preparing dinner. George comes home and tells Liz the good news that they’ll be going to the Atterbury’s lodge this weekend, and he’s got the airline tickets in his pocket. As George goes upstairs to prepare for dinner, Katie reminds Liz that she has a beauty shop appointment on Saturday. Liz wonders what time the plane leaves, and fishes in George’s jacket pocket to check the tickets. She notices that one tickets is round trip, and the other is one way!   Liz immediately assumes one of them isn’t coming back, and reminds Katie that George asked her to sign her will!  She notices some writing on the envelope that looks like a shopping list.

LIZ: “Poison! He's going to take me out in the woods and poison me! Look, at the next item - rope. If the poison doesn't work, he's gonna hang me! Cement. If I live through the poison and the rope, he's gonna put my feet in cement and dump me in the lake! Look what's next - axe! If I able to hold my breath, he's gonna swim in the water and chop me to pieces!” KATIE: “Oh, how can Mr. Cooper do such a thing?” LIZ: “With that list of weapons, how can he miss?“

Liz realizes why George might want to do away with her - they’ve finally struck oil on Sunken Acres!

End of Part One

Announcer Bob LeMond reads a live Jell-O commercial. 

ANNOUNCCER: “As we return to the Coopers, we find Liz in a state of nervous apprehension. After years of having George under her thumb, she's suddenly discovered that he's bout to put the finger on her. Or at least she thinks he is. But right now it's after dinner, and Liz, the intended victim, is in the living room, reading. While George, the killer, is slowly stalking up behind her.”

George kisses Liz on the back of the neck. She screams!  Liz nervously says that she’d rather not go to the Atterbury’s lodge this weekend. 

GEORGE: “What? Why, Liz, you love the lodge. You always say that's your idea of living.”  LIZ: “Well, I want to keep it that way.”

George says that he has a big surprise for her up there. Liz suggests he take his mother and give HER the big surprise!

GEORGE: “Now, don't be silly! You just wait: When you wake up Monday morning, you'll be very pleasantly surprised.”  LIZ: “If I wake up Monday morning, I'll be surprised.”

Liz wonders if George is having money problems. She asks him why he made her sign her will last night. George says that if it bothers her so much, he’ll tear it up - as soon as they get back from the lodge. 

Liz runs to her bedroom and locks the door! George telephones Dr. Stephens (Herb Vigran) to report that Liz is acting peculiar. 

DOCTOR: “Peculiar for Liz, or peculiar for normal people?”

RICKY RICARDO: “Lucy is acting crazy!” FRED MERTZ: “Crazy for Lucy or crazy for ordinary people?”

This joke was adapted for Lucy Ricardo in “Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying To Do Murder Her” with Fred Mertz taking the Doctor’s line. 

Doctor Stephens cannot make a house call because he’s got an appointment with his psychoanalyst, but he tells George to give Liz a sedative until he can get there. 

Liz comes in for a glass of water. George tells her that he’s had Katie prepare them some hot milk. In the kitchen, Katie tells Liz that she saw Mr. Cooper pour a powder into one of the glasses. Liz says she’ll just switch the glasses so that George drinks the one with the powder in it. 

In the living room she distracts George just long enough to switch the glasses. But when George lifts his glass to drink, Liz dashes it from his hand. She says she couldn’t do it to him, even if he could do it to her. 

LIZ: “You put something in my glass, didn't you, George? Well, I fooled you! I switched glasses!”  GEORGE: “I had a hunch that's why Katie called you, so I switched them again while you were out of the room.”

Liz starts to gag as if she’s been poisoned! Liz falls to the floor, convinced she is going to die, trying to make peace with George in her final moments.

LIZ: “If I had my life to live over again, I want you to know I'd do better. I could stay within the budget, if I tried. (coughs) And I'd never buy clothes I need. (coughs) I'd throw away my charge-a-plate.”

The doorbell rings. It is Mr. Atterbury, come to make the ‘final arrangements.’  Liz tells George that she saw the one way ticket, and the shopping list for poison and the axe.  The men dissolve in laughter.  Mr. Atterbury explains that those were supplies for the lodge.  Liz is angry that she’s been tricked, and refuses to keep the promises she made in her ‘final moments’.

LIZ: "I didn't know what I was saying! I was under the influence of warm milk!”

End of Episode

In the live Jell-O commercial, Lucille Ball plays a Mexican spy, and Bob LeMond is interviewing her for a job. 

In the bedtime tag, it is five in the morning and George is reading a suspenseful magazine story. Liz begs him to turn out the light, but then can’t sleep until he knows the outcome of the story. Liz grabs the magazine and reads the last lines.

LIZ: “The huge, shapeless thing crept slowly up behind Mildred, and before she could scream it slipped its bony hands around her - Oh, no!!!” GEORGE: “What does it say, Liz? Around her what?” LIZ: “Around her continued next week! Good night!”

ANNOUNCER: “You have been listening to ‘My Favorite Husband’ starring Lucille Ball, with Richard Denning, and based on characters created by Isobel Scott Rorick. Tonight's transcribed program was produced and directed by Jess Oppenheimer, who wrote the script with Madelyn Pugh and Bob Carroll, Jr. Be sure to get the April Issue of ‘Radio Mirror Magazine’ with the big picture of Lucille Ball on the cover. That's the April issue of ‘Radio Mirror Magazine.’ Original music was composed by Marlin Skyles and conducted by Wilbur Hatch. Bob LeMond speaking.”

[hptriadfest]

MASTER LIST REVEALED

Title: Those That Move <- Clicky

Author: @hippocrates460

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Ronald Weasley/Viktor Krum

Summary: “All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.” - Benjamin Franklin.

How Ron and Hermione decide to figure out what they really want, how they come to realize that it is Viktor, and how all of them choose to move.

~*~

Title: In The Dying Light <- Clicky

Author: @marshmallowmcgonagall

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Harry Potter x Ginny Weasley x Tom Riddle/Voldemort

Summary:

Six years after Dumbledore died, Harry appears to defeat Lord Voldemort but everyone flees the battlefield in the wake of a magical storm. In the depths of the nights which follow, someone unexpected arrives at the door of Harry and Ginny’s safe house in Godric’s Hollow.

~*~

Title: NEVER ENOUGH <- Clicky

Author: @big-draco-energy 

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Blaise Zabini

Summary:

Established couple woos a third party for a one-night stand. However, it’s not that simple, and nothing is what it seems.

~*~

Title: The good things in life <- Clicky

Author: @harrypotterfanfictionwriter 

Rating: General | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Severus Snape

Summary:

Severus reflects on his life since two witches came into it.

~*~

Title: Yes, My Loves <- Clicky

Author: @cheekytorah / @hptruefan-cheekytorah

Rating: General | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Severus Snape

Summary:

For years he served an evil bastard, and now he only wants to serve his women.

~*~

Title: Three To Be Free <- Clicky

Author: @gremlin-writing

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/James Potter

Summary:

With his wife dead and a toddler in his arms, James Potter shows up on the Black-Lupin doorstep.

~*~

Title: One Of Our Own <- Clicky

Author: @themadmage-fanfiction

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Ginny Weasley/Astoria Greengrass/Luna Lovegood

Summary:

Five years after the war, Astoria asks her wives about having a child of their own.

~*~

Title:  The Sweetest Question <- Clicky

Author: @aneiria-writes

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott

Summary:

After a bad day at work, Hermione’s Slytherin lovers know exactly how to soothe her anxious mind.

~*~

Title:  Company For The Waiting <- Clicky

Author: @parsley_sage_rosemary_and_thyme4tea <- clicky @non-binarypal7

Rating: General | Throuple: Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Summary:

green light the promise of connection and commitment burning impressions, questions, passions

a short exploration of life, death, and love

~*~

Title: Three’s Company <- Clicky

Author: @Snarry5evr 

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Severus Snape

Summary:

Ready for a change after his divorce from Ginny, Auror Harry Potter accepts a position in America. Discovering his new charges were none other than the living Severus Snape and his housemate Draco Malfoy was only the beginning of the changes in store for Harry.

~*~

Title: Starting Anew <- Clicky

Author: @lillymoid

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle/Severus Snape

Summary:

Harry Potter couldn’t accept how the war ended, so he tried again but this time helping Voldemort and changing everything.

~*~

Title: Ron Weasley and the Triad of Support <- Clicky

Author: @littlebozsheep

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Ronald Weasley/Blaise Zabini/Neville Longbottom

Summary:

When Ron stresses over the 10yr school reunion and seeing Hermione for the first time since their disastrous split, his partners take it on their shoulders to cheer him up.

Taking an ansty situation, removing the angst and adding fluff.

~*~

Title: Even Chasers Get The Blues <- Clicky

Author:

@neontinkerbell

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Katie Bell/Alicia Spinnet/Angelina Johnson

Summary:

Alicia and Angelina are saying goodbye to Hogwarts after completing their seventh year, but their girlfriend Katie still has one year left. When the dreaded conversation about long-distance relationship woes finally catches up with them, will they be able to all agree on how to navigate it?

~*~

Title: my girl, my girl, my girl <- Clicky

Author: @klarogasms

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Pansy Parkinson

Summary:

They all looked quite different and had vastly varying senses of style, but they looked lovely together, all beautiful in their own ways. And the matching necklaces they wore - golden with a star, a sun and a moon pendant respectively - tied it all together.

or Pansy, Luna and Hermione being adorable for 5k words straight

~*~

Title: Before We Say Goodbye <- Clicky

Author: @cheekytorah / @hptruefan-cheekytorah

Rating: General | Throuple: Rose Weasley/Polly Chapman/Marisa Thomas (Original Female Character)

Summary:

Rose Weasley, Poly Chapman and Marisa Thomas have one more thing to do before they say goodbye to Hogwarts.

~*~

Title: Harry Potter and the Witches of the House of Ill Repute <- Clicky

Author: @hippocrates460

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes/Emmeline Vance

Summary:

“One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go.”

If by go you mean disrupt all the carefully laid plans in order to be good and kind to someone in need. That’s just how they do it.

A story of how three becomes four, and how love is essential, and some very fictionalized accounts of what it might be like to run a sex shop.

~*~

Title: maybe I just wanna be yours <- Clicky

Author: @fleurting

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter/Ron Weasley

Summary:

Harry’s always had a place in Ron and Hermione’s bed. He’s the only one of them who doesn’t see the spot as permanent.

~*~

Title: Enchanted Encounters <- Clicky

Author: @ischa-posts

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Teddy Lupin/Scorpius Malfoy/James Sirius Potter

Summary:

James decides he wants to go on a road trip with his brother and Teddy, of course Scorpius and Albus’ girlfriend tag along. But also: James is scheming, Scorpius is pinning (and maybe sulking) and Teddy is fighting a losing battle.

It’s really just a friends to lovers story with magic (and sex).

(More on the Ao3 Post)

~*~

Title: Love To Give <- Clicky

Author: @kittycargo

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Harry Potter/Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy

Summary:

Neville and Harry are in a relationship when Draco moves back from Italy and needs a place to stay. Neville never knew how much love he had to give.

~*~

Title: Sealing Their Bond - Clicky

Author: @articcat621

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Regulus Black/Hermione Granger/Rabastan LeStrange

Summary: After the Marriage Law spell revealed her two wizards, Hermione had been looking forward to her wedding night. Finally, it was here.

~*~

Title: Stay With Us <- Clicky

Author: @thunder-of-dragons

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Sirius Black/James Potter/Lily Evans

Summary: A week before the Fidelius Charm will be cast over the Potters’ home in Godric’s Hollow, Sirius has a suggestion to keep the Potters better hidden, and it’s one that does not include Peter Pettigrew.

~*~

Title: The Chasers and their Gold Digger <- Clicky

Author: @gaeilgerua

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Marcus Flint/Hermione Granger/Adrian Pucey

Summary:

Reading the gossip column in the Daily Prophet these days is usually good for a laugh.

~*~

Title: Studious <- Clicky

Author: @lilithshadefanfic

Creative Medium: Fan Art

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott

Summary: Fanart created for HP Triad!Fest 2020.

Prompt #54 by GaeilgeRua

A group project in Eighth year leads to a new friendship.

~*~

Title: How To Impress Your Muggleborn Lover; Texting Edition <- Clicky

Author: @littlebozsheep

Rating: Teen | Throuple: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson

Summary:

It has been a couple of months since Hermione had started using positive reinforcement to get her partners to use Muggle technology. So far, it was getting some humorous responses. This month, they had started texting, and Draco was determined not to be beaten by Pansy again.

~*~

Title: Drive Me Wild <- Clicky

Author: @cheekytorah / @hptruefan-cheekytorah

Rating: Mature | Throuple: Neville Longbottom/Charlie Weasley/Viktor Krum

Summary:

While on a trip searching for a rare plant, Neville finds himself in the company of two wizards that can help him. How will Neville ever repay them?

Prompt #59

Prompter: GaeilgeRua

~*~

Title: Dining Under Duress <- Clicky

Author: @cheekytorah / @hptruefan-cheekytorah

Rating: Explicit | Throuple: Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Summary:

Dining under duress was a theme in their lives.

~*~

[mermaidsirennikita]

books (in the time of corona)

PART I: ADULT EDITION

Let’s get real--we’re all going fucking insane.  

Therefore, I’m recommending some books with which you can kill time.  I’m breaking them into categories--the romance category including several subgenres but by and large covering books that focus more heavily on the romance than anything else.  These will all be adult books; I’m doing a separate page for YA recommendations.

I’ll be adding to this list as I finish books that I feel belong here.

ROMANCE

A Knight in Shining Armor by Jude Deveraux.  A young woman is abandoned by her scoundrel of a boyfriend, only to find a literal medieval knight in shining armor.  Pure 80′s cheese, a classic in the time travel subgenre long before Outlander ever happened.

The Circle Trilogy by Nora Roberts.  Six sexy people, three men and three women in Roberts fashion, travel across time and parallel dimensions to fight an evil vampire and her undead army.  Come for three fun romances, stay in particular for the “virgin bookworm queen captures the heart of the formerly evil 1,000 Irish vampire” ship.

The Hating Game by Sally Thorne.  Rival coworkers who’ve always hated each other compete for the same job--until maybe?  They start?  Hooking up?

From Lukov with Love by Mariana Zapata.  A down on her luck singles figure skater pairs up with the pairs champion she’s always despised... Unless they in fact, in a STUNNING TWIST, do not hate each other?

Pestilence by Laura Thalassa.  A BIT ON THE NOSE RIGHT NOW, but I promise that this tale of a hot virgin Horseman of the Apocalypse spreading his plague and the one woman brave enough to fuck him is WORTH IT.  As is the sequel, War.

My Lady’s Choosing by Kitty Curran.  A literal choose your own adventure novel, but the adventures bodice ripping Regency romance plots!!!

The Kiss Quotient by Helen Hoang.  A sweet and smart woman on the autism spectrum hires a male escort to teach her to be good at sex.  Shit goes DOWN from there.

The Flatshare by Beth O’Leary.  She works days; he works nights.  She needs a cheap place to stay, and he needs a roommate.  So they share a flat and even a bed (sleeping on opposite sides and never at the same time) only communicating through post-it notes throughout the apartment.  What could go wrong?

Marriage for One by Ella Maise.  She can only get her inheritance if she’s married.  Good thing a glacial attorney has offered to marry her out of nowhere, only for paper purposes.  What could go wrong???

The Worst Best Man by Mia Sosa.  Lina is a wedding planner who was left at the altar.  Max is the younger brother of the man who left her, and apparently convinced him to do the leaving.  What happens when they work together?

Get A Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert.  Chloe suffers from a chronic illness, which means that she’s never had a life--and so she compiles a list that will help her get one.  On the list?  Meaningless sex.  Which she won’t have with her building’s superintendent, even though he’s really down to help her cross off all the other items, riiiight?

HISTORICAL FICTION

Passion by Jude Morgan.  The dramatic and intense height of Romantic England, told from the perspectives of Caroline Lamb, mistress of Lord Byron; August Leigh, his sister and lover; Mary Shelley; and Fanny Brawne, fiancee of John Keats.

Girl with a Pearl Earring by Tracy Chevalier.  Impoverished Griet becomes a maid in the household of the painter Vermeer, becoming his muse after he realizes that she has a natural eye--much to the dismay of his wife.

Snow Flower and The Secret Fan by Lisa See. In nineteenth century China, best friends Lily and Snow Flower follow each other through emotional and cultural revolutions, communicating through the secret language of fans.

The Memoirs of Cleopatra by Margaret George.  Cleopatra recounts her life story, from her earliest memory, through her affairs with Caesar and Antony, and her end.

Mistress of Rome by Kate Quinn.  In Domitian’s Rome, a Jewish girl rises from the position of lady’s slave to the emperor’s mistress through wiles and scheming.

The Tiger Queens by Stephanie Thornton.  The rise and fall of Genghis Khan’s empire, as told through the women of his family--from his favorite wife to a clever daughter-in-law.

At the Water’s Edge by Sara Gruen.  A socialite follows her incompetent to Scotland as he struggles to find the Loch Ness Monster and redeem his ancestor’s name--finding herself and questioning her life in the process.

A Year of Ravens.  A collection of short stories by different authors, all centering on Boudica’s rebellion through the eyes of her countrymen and her enemies.

Feast of Sorrow by Crystal King.  A slave becomes a chef in the treacherous household of a social climber struggling to gain the favor or Caesar August.

Fatal Throne.  Six authors tell the stories of Henry VIII’s wives, all from their differing perspectives.

Daisy Jones and The Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid.  The rise and fall of a 1970s rock band is charted through the recollections of its members--as they recall what drove them apart, and in particular the intense relationship between the leader singers.

THRILLERS

The Girl in 6E by A.R. Torre.  A woman with murderous impulses locks herself in her apartment to keep the public safe, making a living as a camgirl.  She’s left torn between morals and impulse when she begins to suspect that one of her “fans” is dangerous.

Little Deaths by Emma Flint.  In 1960s America, a single mother finds her personal life and image called into question when she’s accused of murdering her two young children.

My Sister, The Serial Killer by Oyinkan Braithwaite.  A nurse covers up her beautiful sister’s murders, only to be caught between loyalties when the doctor she loves falls for said sister.

The Last Mrs. Parrish by Liv Constantine.  A plain “nobody” transforms herself in order to steal a high society housewife’s husband, only to deal with more than she bargained for.

The Wife Between Us by Greer Hendricks and Sarah Pekkanen.  A woman obsesses over her ex-husband’s new fiancee, leading her to disturbing lengths.

The Other Woman by Sandie Jones.  After meeting her ideal man, a woman must contend with his possessive mother, who will do anything to maintain her hold over him.

Something in the Water by Catherine Steadman.  A couple on their dream honeymoon find something in the water that will change the course of their life together.

The Au Pair by Emma Rous.  The day Seraphine and her twin brother were born, their mother flung herself off a cliff and their nanny disappeared.  Decades later, Seraphine discovers a photo taken of her parents just before her mother’s death--with only one baby.  The only person who holds the key to the mystery?  The au pair.

My Lovely Wife by Samantha Downing.  A couple keeps the spark alive through murder.

Lock Every Door by Riley Sager.  A young woman takes a job apartment-sitting in a high-end Manhattan building.  Shortly after she befriends another sitter, the girl goes missing--with everyone else acting like nothing is amiss.

The Wives by Tarryn Fisher.  Thursday is one of her husband’s three wives, though she’s never met the other two.  When she finally does meet the third wife, she discovers a woman far different from what she expected--and covered in bruises.

FANTASY/SUPERNATURAL/HORROR

Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier.  Sorcha is the youngest of seven children in medieval Ireland.  When her stepmother curses her six older brothers to live as swans, Sorcha agrees to weave them shirts of painful thistles, all the while remaining silent, to break the spell.

Black Pearls by Louise Hawes.  A collection of dark fairy tale retellings.

The Incarnations by Susan Barker.  A man receives letters from an anonymous source, detailing his supposed past lives throughout historical China.

Girls Made of Snow and Glass by Melissa Bashardoust.  A dark Snow White retelling, with a stepmother whose goals extend far beyond the princess.

Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo.  Alex Stern is discovered as the sole survivor of a brutal multiple murder, and is promptly scooped up by a group charged with monitoring the occult societies at Yale.  Now disguised as a university student, Alex must figure out who’s been murdering locals, while also hiding what happened the night she lived.

The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell.  A young widow in Victorian England is sent to her husband’s country estate to wait out her pregnancy, and is not alarmed to discover a “silent companion” (a painted wooden figure) in the house.  But when the figure’s eyes begin following her, she is sucked into a history beyond her imagination.

Circe by Madeline Miller.  The story of the woman who would seduce Odysseus, from her beginnings as a plain witch born of Helios and a mother who couldn’t care less.  A classic rise to power story.

CONTEMPORARY LIT

Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows by Balli Kaur Jaswal.  Down on her luck Nikki takes up a job as a creative writing class instructor for the Punjabi widows in her West London neighborhood.  It turns out that the widows thought she was there to teach them to write in English--which leads to the class becoming a place for them to share their stories orally instead.  And it turns out that they’re a bit... erotic.

An American Marriage by Tayari Jones.  Upwardly mobile newlyweds Celestina and Roy have their lives upended when Roy is falsely accused of a terrible crime and sent to prison for twelve years.  When he’s released early after five, he returns home to find that Celestina has changed completely, and their marriage is entirely unknown.

Stay With Me by Ayobami Adebayo.  A young Nigerian couple has always been against polygamy; but after the wife fails to get pregnant, her in-laws show up on their doorstep with a second wife.

NON-FICTION/MEMOIR

Harem: The World Behind The Veil by Alev Lytle Croutier.  An examination of the Ottoman Empire’s harem culture, focusing on the women within.

Love For Sale: A World History of Prostitution by Nils Johan Ringal.  Not really a GLOBAL history of prostitution, but a good introduction starting with ancient times and going into the cases of more recent madams in America, with a strong case for legalization worldwide.

Georgiana: Duchess of Devonshire by Amanda Foreman.  A readable biography of the famously scandalous and tragic duchess, to be read while you kill time rewatching “The Duchess” starring Keira Knightley.

Lucrezia Borgia: Life, Love, and Death in Renaissance Italy by Sarah Bradford.  A fair but none-too-precious assessment of one of Renaissance Italy’s most controversial women, and an analysis of her relationships with her father and brother.

The Life and Death of Anne Boleyn by Eric Ives.  While you’re quarantining, you might as well read the definitive Anne Boleyn biography, yes?  This one is responsible for much of the modern attitude on Anne.

Queen of Fashion: What Marie Antoinette Wore to the Revolution by Caroline Weber.  A fascinating analysis of Marie Antoinette’s political life through her clothes.

The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston and Mario Spezi.  An analysis of the infamous, unsolved “Monster of Florence” case.  One of the most gruesome serial killers in Italy’s history, the monster’s crimes were pinned on several different men, and even investigated by the prosecutor who botched the Amanda Knox case.

The Forger’s Spell: A True Story of Vermeer, Nazis, and the Greatest Art Hoax of the Twentieth Century by Edward Dolnick.  An examination of the case of Han van Meegeren, a painter who forged and sold many Dutch master fakes, and the pretentious art world that let him get away with it for years.

The Secret History of the Mongol Queens: How the Daughters of Genghis Khan Rescued His Empire by Jack Weatherford.  A study of the women in Genghis Khan’s family, and in particular those that kept his empire from falling to ruin after his death.  A good companion read with Stephanie Thornton’s fiction novel Tiger Queens mentioned above.

Chasing Aphrodite: The Hunt for Looted Antiquities at the World’s Richest Museum by Jason Felch and Ralph Frammolino.  How did the Getty Museum end up with so many stolen artifacts?  This book aims to find out.

The Creation of Anne Boleyn by Susan Bordo.  A different kind of Anne Boleyn book, studying her portrayal in culture and fiction--complete with input from Natalie Dormer following her portrayal of Anne Boleyn on The Tudors.

Blood Sisters: The Women Behind the Wars of the Roses by Sarah Gristwood.  An examination of the women of the houses of Lancaster and York during their famous, long-running conflict--and how these women had an impact on battles and politics alike.

The Dragon Behind the Glass: A True Story of Power, Obsession, and the World’s Most Coveted Fish by Emily Voigt.  The author delves into why people are so obsessed with the arowana, a rare and exotic fish, to the point that they’ll commit murder--and becomes wrapped up in the fascination herself.

The Rules Do Not Apply by Ariel Levy.  Over the course of a month, Ariel Levy watches everything she held true in her life--her financial security, her career, her marriage, and her pregnancy--fall apart.  Levy must confront what it means to live an “unconventional” and “free” life, only for that to become meaningless, and pick up the pieces.

From Here to Eternity: Traveling the World to find The Good Death by Caitlin Doughty.  Doughty recounts her global travels to observe and study different funerary and death rituals, recounting and analyzing her experiences with respect and personality.

Lady Killers: Deadly Women Throughout History by Tori Telfer.  A collection of female serial killers, analyzing why they did what they did and the cultural legacy they left behind.

Severed: A History of Heads Lost and Heads Found by Frances Larson.  A history of decapitated human heads, and what different cultures have done with them.

From Scratch: A Memoir of Love, Sicily, and Finding Home by Tembi Locke.  Tembi Locke was never truly accepted by her husband’s Sicilian family, as a black American woman.  But when Saro dies young of cancer, she finds herself more deeply entwined her in-laws, as she works to pick up the pieces.  (Warning: one of the most achingly romantic books I’ve ever read; but it will destroy you.)

[back-and-totheleft]

"I do have the right to talk"

In many people’s opinion, Oliver Stone doesn’t just court controversy. He buys it dinner and tickets to a Broadway show. With movies like “Platoon,” “Salvador,” “JFK,” “Born on the Fourth of July” and “Natural Born Killers” on his resume, it’s no wonder the Oscar-winning director has a hot-button reputation of sorts. Perhaps that’s why one of the most controversial things about his new film, “World Trade Center,” which opens Wednesday, is how uncontroversial it is.

Based on the true story of two New York Port Authority cops who were pulled out of the rubble after the towers collapsed Sept. 11, 2001, the movie plays it straight – it keeps politics, one of Stone’s favorite topics, out of the picture.

During a recent conversation at the Ritz-Carlton Buckhead in Atlanta, the confident, well-spoken filmmaker talked about his new film, a few of his old films and being Oliver Stone.

Q: When the word came that you were making a movie called “World Trade Center,” I think a lot of people thought, Uh-oh, he’s going to create a controversy, he’s going to sensationalize a national tragedy. Why would that be?

A: I got politicized a long time ago. My films were seen as one thing or another. I was surprised, frankly. There’s an Oliver Stone they talk about, and he’s not me. I mean, this is a ball of years. Twenty, 30 years, going back to “Midnight Express” even (the 1978 film that won him his first Oscar, for Best Adapted Screenplay). Years of confusions and repetition of lies.

A big one, for instance, was “JFK.” The lie has been, Oliver Stone makes up history. He falsifies history. Brainwashes children. He would have us believe the idiot theory that 25 government agents, along with Lyndon Baines Johnson, killed John F. Kennedy.

The true meaning of that film was a question about what reality is in politics, what surface events mean. All the language was suppositional, except for (Jim) Garrison’s feelings at the end of the trial. And even some of that was suppositional.

The rap on the politics (in my movies) is really about statements I’ve made between the films. I could be faulted for that. I did shoot myself in the foot for saying things. But I don’t believe in being censored. Because I’m a filmmaker and a celebrity, people think I have no right to talk. But I say to you, I do have the right to talk. I’ve earned the right to talk. I served my country. I did my time. Paid my taxes. Had children. All that (expletive).

Q: But you do see that you’re a hot-button personality to people, even when it’s not a politically themed movie. People seem to react very personally to you and your work.

A: I became a hot button, especially on that film (“JFK”). But “Natural Born Killers” added to it. And probably “Born on the Fourth of July” and “Platoon” (Stone won best-director Oscars for the latter two). By the time I made “The Doors,” with the drugs, I was a “raving lefty.”

Q: Where were you when you found out America had been attacked on 9/11?

A: Nothing exciting. I was in L.A. Asleep. The time zone difference. My wife woke me up and turned on the TV. It was pretty shocking stuff.

I’m not a pacifist or a bleeding-heart liberal, as some people say. I believe in measured vengeance. Two thousand al-Qaida fighters killed 3,000 people. I’m all for going after those 2,000 and, when it became necessary, the Taliban. The world was with us, and I think I show that in the movie. That was the right war, the one Dave Karnes (the Marine who discovered the trapped men) should’ve gone to. Instead, he went to Iraq, which seems to me a confusion. A confusion I don’t understand.

Q: One of the things that ran through my mind after the movie was the line from “Manhattan,” where Mariel Hemingway says to Woody Allen, “You gotta have a little faith in people.”

A: I can’t say that’s the original reason. It was just a great story, and it was true. It came to me out of the blue. I wasn’t thinking about a 9/11 movie, but Andrea Berloff wrote this script that had these five figures in it. (The police officers, John McLoughlin and Will Jimeno, are played by Nicolas Cage and Michael Peña, with Maria Bello and Maggie Gyllenhaal as their wives and Michael Shannon as Karnes.)

They were inspirational to me. I’d never thought of it that way. As a microcosm. These people dug in. They didn’t give in to fear. They found their courage. Their faith, you can call it. The metaphysical thing that exists, the evidence of things unseen. They dug in and connected in a kind of collective dream, a collective unconscious. It’s a web, a thread, between five people.

Q: You’ve said your movies are an emotional barometer for you. Where does “World Trade Center” find you?

A: It was good to come back home after being in Iran for three years (for “Alexander”). To come back to this country, which is at war, and go back to the bottom of the cellar, so to speak. This country was raped collectively, and this is like going back to the therapist and saying, I want to know about the day of the rape. That’s where you start. Realism. Then let the demons out.

I didn’t know about these guys until 2004. And this Marine. At our first screening, we handed out cards, and the audience thought we’d laid in a Hollywood B-movie on top of the reality. They were shocked. They thought it (his character) was all (expletive).

But it wasn’t. This was the guy exactly. I saw him on TV doing interviews. And he really did go to Iraq.

Q: Speaking of going to war, in 2007, it will be 40 years since you were in Vietnam. Looking back, what do you see? And looking forward?

A: (shaking his head) Forty years goes like … it’s all moments.

The irony of it is, I was very pessimistic when I was young. Who else would go to Vietnam at age 19 to commit suicide? As I’ve become more realistic in life, I’ve become more optimistic. Because you have a better sense of the negative, and, knowing the negative, the darkness, you appreciate the light more. It makes you more optimistic when you do get the light. When you’re younger, you take it a little bit more for granted.

Q: I once read an item about you in The New Yorker.

A: (interrupts) Oh, no.

Q: You were having lunch with your mother.

A: (small sigh of relief) Oh, that was another one.

Q: She said she came to this country from France after the war (to join her American husband), and she was the only woman on a huge ship with 1,500 men. And she was already pregnant with you and was so nauseated she had to be fed intravenously. And you said, “No wonder I’m the way I am.”

A: She’s an Auntie Mame type. Not the greatest mother, frankly, but you’ll never forget her if you ever meet her.

Q: So you’re saying you were shaped in the womb by a lot of testosterone and a little bit of seasickness?

A: (laughs) I was probably throwing up myself.

Q: Someone once wrote that you were part Captain Ahab, part Ken Kesey. Would you add anyone to that list?

A: Oh, yeah. I’d add a few people. Any of the people I’ve done in my films have affected me. I’m part Nixon, part Garrison, part Jim Morrison.

And Alexander (the Great). I definitely lived through Alexander. I think that was misunderstood as an act of hubris, but what he was to me was the ultimate voyager. The ultimate adventurer.

Q: Which could also, in some way, describe you.

A: Yeah, but I wasn’t saying I was Alexander.

Q: Your approach to “World Trade Center” does seem different from many of your earlier films. Not so much a hot issue as a heart issue.

A: I used to be faster. I did 10 movies in 10 years. This movie was no different in its methodology, with the exception of “U-Turn” and “Natural Born Killers,” which were fiction.

I do my homework. I interviewed, and I interviewed. I interviewed everyone. We have a gold mine here. These two guys are lucid and can talk about it. And process it. This is a gold mine for me, a gold mine for all of us.

You know, the end of “Platoon” has a similar feeling. When Charlie (Sheen) is leaving the jungle, he says something to the effect: We the survivors have an obligation to the dead to remember. And with the remainder of our lives, we must bring a goodness and meaning to this life.

And I think that’s why John and Will are here. That’s why they’re helping us.

-"I do have the right to talk," The Orange County Register, Aug 6 2006 [x]

[kiarcheo]

         Hidden Histories    -     Chapter 2     -     Wait for it      

The alternate happy ending to Hidden Histories -   There Is No Future for Us as a Pair, the one where Katherine Howard and Catherine Parr meet during the early days of Anna’s marriage, they keep making plans and the king keeps messing them up.

Disclaimers/notes from the first chapter are even more valid for this one…heavily fictional, with one big change in 'history', obviously.

Being part of Mary’s household makes exchanging letters with the Queen if not easier, certainly quicker. Not only the physical distance to cover is less, but correspondence between royal households is common, frequent, and more efficient than anything private that Catherine had ever been able to arrange when she had been in Yorkshire. It is not unusual for Catherine to send a letter one day, receive Katherine’s reply the next one and send a new one the day after.

Catherine sees the flourishing in Katherine’s letters, both in penmanship and in content. Her missives almost unrecognizable from the first ones they had exchanged, where the efforts clearly put into them couldn’t fully make up for the dreadful handwriting and spelling. Their letters are a mix of mundane topics and more intellectual discussions. After Katherine remarks in one message that Henry appreciates Catherine taking the time to share her knowledge and education with Katherine and wishes to thank her for it, Catherine is glad that they had employed from the start a sort of coded language. Discussions about pastoral literature would have surely appeared less innocuous had Henry known that every mention of a desired bucolic life was meant to stand for Katherine’s desire for a life away from court and that discussing lives devoted to God, free from ‘earthly’ duties, was a way to talk about lives without husbands and wifely obligations. Still she knows that nobody would ever believe the Queen capable of such subterfuges. She seems to be the only one aware that Katherine is much more than the stupid vapid girl they believe her to be at court, apparently unable to see beyond her looks, as stunning as they are.

And then one letter arrives that makes Catherine’s blood run cold. Almost lost among descriptions of clothes and plans for a trip, a throwaway mention of Katherine revisiting a conversation they had in the past and asking Catherine’s opinion on what the character should have done when ‘the ghosts of the past came back to haunt him, demanding their tolls’.

‘I am not sure I understand your reference. Is it about the story we discussed that warm afternoon in the royal gardens while my dear sister Anne attended to the King’s beloved sister? If so, my opinion is that the protagonist should have chosen disgrace over death. It is possible to come back from ruin, especially with friendly help, but one cannot come back from death. A chance of redemption, no matter how small, is always preferable to the certainty of death.’

Catherine pens her response as quickly and as carefully as she can.

She hopes Katherine will understand.

She hopes it won’t come to it.

But of course, hoping never did Catherine Parr any good. It’s Mary who brings her the news that Katherine has been stripped of her title and is currently held waiting for the King’s decision after being questioned.

The court’s preconceptions about Katherine reveal themselves a blessing in disguise. Katherine plays the naïve girl, manipulated and caught up in games too big for a silly little girl and nobody doubts it for a second. She admits having been pre-contracted with Francis Dereham and the King gets to appear both as the victim of the situation and magnanimous, as he sends her away in disgrace but sparing her life.  

For days Catherine is in turmoil, having no news about Katherine except that she has been banished. With the queen’s household having been disbanded, she is not surprised by her sister’s visit, as it is likely that she will join Mary’s household. What she doesn’t expect is Anne bringing her news about Katherine. Knowing of their close relationship and having a soft spot for the younger girl herself, she had directed the former queen to a family property in the north of the country.

Their epistolary exchanges resume, albeit at a slower rate and even more carefully than before. Catherine asks Mary to be dismissed from her service. She is friendly enough with her to disclose that her husband is not getting any better and that she knows she will be named her step-daughter’s guardian after Neville’s death and put in charge of his affairs until her majority. To manage his affairs, she’d have to return north…what she leaves out is that up north is where the disgraced former queen, and that she plans to finally bring Katherine to her.

She has already thought about everything. It will be far enough from court that most people won’t recognize Katherine, the lack of portraits of the former queen circulating helping with that. Katherine is a common name as long as she goes with Lady Katherine without mentioning the surname. And even if - when? - Katherine’s presence at her house were to be discovered and questioned, she will say that she took her in out of pity, in the name of their old friendship. And yes, she was sent away in disgrace, but a demotion from Queen of England to lady-in-waiting for a lesser house (barony, after all, is the lowest rank of the peerage) isn’t disgraceful in itself? And if His Majesty had seen in his immense benevolence to spare her life, shouldn’t Catherine follow his enlightening example by providing that lost soul a mean to support her life rather than seeing her squandering the gift His Majesty has so generously given her? Laying it on thick, she knows, but Catherine won’t let her pride getting in the way, not after everything they already went through and managed to overcome.

Catherine genuinely mourns Neville when he dies, but she can’t help herself: she is finally seeing her dreams on the verge of becoming reality. Twice widowed, guardian of a teenage girl, she should be allowed some respite, right? She just wants to live peacefully, taking care of her family and friends, and pursuing knowledge. She doesn’t ask much, does she?

But once again her plans are thwarted by the King, newly single and ready to make an unsuspecting woman his wife. Just her luck. So she has to write a letter to Katherine, once again ending things before they could even start.

Catherine had built a future in her mind with Katherine, but now the hope is gone. She doesn’t have a choice. She never had a choice. They never had a choice. If Henry says it’s you, then it’s you. Nobody knows that better than Katherine. And yes, if she could speak up, without holding back, she would tell him that there is no way she is giving up her girl, her work, her dreams for him. But of course, she can’t say that. Not to the king.

So she sends the letter to Katherine. Tells her goodbye. Marries the King.

And then finally. FINALLY. Henry dies. Not a minute too soon.

Catherine becomes the one who survived (as a wife, since both Anna and Katherine are still alive but not wives anymore), but she almost wasn’t.

She supposes that she had become too confident. She had published two books, the second one being the first to be published in English by a woman under her own name in England. The first one, though anonymous, had been published by the King’s printer. Henry knew of her interest in religious matters and as he had permitted her to publish, she thought he approved. Until she gets the news that an arrest warrant had been drawn up. She takes her own advice and a page out of Katherine’s book: she plays stupid and lies to save her skin. Of course she would never dare to think that she knows better than the King, she only debated with him to distract him from his pains and to learn from him. She is just a woman, after all. Humiliating but convincing enough that she becomes the last wife of Henry VIII instead of being added to the list of discarded consorts.

Among the good things coming from the King’s death, there is the fact that nobody expects a dowager queen to remarry again. In fact, she thinks it would actually be frowned upon.  After Edward’s coronation she is more than happy to retire from court to a property left to her by Neville where Katherine is waiting for her.

When Catherine had married Henry, she had brought her stepdaughter with her since she was her guardian, but she still had been in charge of the properties left to her by her second husband. Nobody at court was surprised by the regular correspondence she entertained as they had quickly learned she was quite an hand-on person if allowed to be and they correctly assumed that she wanted to be informed and involved in the running of those places. And if the majority of the exchanges happened to be with one particular property...They had no way to know that the household there was headed by a most trusted woman and had been recently joined by a certain Lady Katherine…who didn’t take long to win the other woman over. It never takes long, for better or for worse. Catherine remembers receiving a letter praising how quickly Lady Katherine was learning how to properly lead a household and how she would make a very good wife for a lucky man. She had replied that no talks of marriage would be entertained, for any reason, ever, and that she was to make it clear to anyone approaching the topic.  She doesn’t know whether she knew or suspected the reason, or even if she knew who Katherine was (which would have made it clear why she could never get married - again), but the topic was never brought up again and Catherine was content with that.

And even more content when finally, seven years after Catherine had first proposed the idea to Katherine, their dream of living together becomes reality.

 Not many details are known about the last period of Catherine Parr’s life. The Dowager Queen maintained good relationships with all her stepchildren, raising Elizabeth and receiving visits from Mary and even Edward, despite the busy life of the young king. Despite various invitations, she never returned to court, choosing to live the rest of her life in quiet retirement in the same place where her tomb now rests, the only English queen to be buried in a private residence.

                                          ———————————-

I rambled a bit in the end notes on Ao3 if you are interested, but probably the only thing you might care about is the final question...would you like a fluff family reunion?

[douxreviews]

The Handmaid's Tale - ‘Unfit’ Review

"I've never seen anyone so devoted."

Like the Canadian story line, the flashbacks in this show are often a welcome relief from the horrors of present day Gilead. This time, not so much.

Let me start by saying that Ann Dowd is absolutely awesome as the fearsome Aunt Lydia, and a flashback to her past should have done more to explain her character. Instead, even in her past, Lydia was taking children from their mothers while pontificating about her good intentions. She is just as conflicted and confusing as she always was. Maybe there's just no explaining people like Lydia. Or anyone who fits in Gilead.

Lydia Clements was a fourth grade teacher who used to work in family law. She went from judging Noelle, a poor young mother with a bad job, to helping her financially and giving her emotional support (which was lovely), to initiating legal proceedings that successfully took Noelle's son Ryan away from her. A remarkably bad thing that followed a remarkably good thing, and note how Lydia's clothing and hair style changed from loose, comfortable and attractive to a Gilead-like shapeless outfit and restrained bun.

This was tied in to Lydia's possible new boyfriend, Principal Jim. Lydia and Jim seemed so well matched: both were single again with careers in education, and clearly religious since they both quoted the Bible in casual conversation. Jim even said grace in the karaoke bar before they ate. (Karaoke "Islands in the Stream." Too cute, and adorably out of character for Lydia.)

Why would their aborted lovemaking on the couch push Lydia over the edge into such overwhelming shame, into violently destroying her own image in a mirror? Was it because she finally allowed herself to acknowledge her own sexual needs, and being rejected was too heavy a blow? For that matter, why did Jim stop? His wife died three years ago. Was it really too soon for him, or did her aggressive move on the couch turn him off? And why did this incident make Lydia turn on Noelle? Because Noelle had encouraged her to date again, had given her makeup?

Tying this into our lead character, we've all been wondering how June is still alive considering how badly she's been acting. I think June is too angry right now to be frightened of what could happen to her. Maybe Aunt Lydia sees June the way she saw Noelle, as someone she would try over and over again to push in the right direction – until she didn't. This doesn't bode well for June.

I enjoyed the three gossipy aunts around a table matching Handmaids to Commanders more than the flashbacks. This was background that we needed. Aunt Lydia complained about June's misbehavior, but then she talked about June being misled. "We never had issues with Ofjoseph before the Waterfords. A problem household, to say the least. And she was there for all that business with Emily." Aunt Elizabeth added, "And Lillie." It's an explanation for why June is still alive and undamaged. Not a great one, but an explanation.

During the almost comical testifying scene in the gym, June did acknowledge that Frances' death was June's fault, and that Hannah would suffer for what June did. And then June took that opportunity to turn on Ofmatthew, saying truthfully that Ofmatthew didn't want her baby. We learned that Ofmatthew thought her baby was going to be a girl this time, and she didn't want to bring a daughter into Gilead. I so can't blame her.

During their shopping trip to Loaves and Fishes, June smiled as Ofmatthew snatched the guardian's gun and went on her desperation spree, and then she nodded when Ofmatthew was aiming the gun at her. I think June was ready to die. When Ofmatthew changed her target to Aunt Lydia, I was yelling, "Kill her!" Sadly, no. The death of Ofmatthew and her possibly female fetus, along with the death of Ofandy's baby girl, felt like a metaphor for the murderous sickness of Gilead's culture.

Racism in Gilead

This is the second episode in a row that featured the horrible death of a black woman. It's also the first time race was so much as mentioned. During that fascinating scene with the Aunts and the sherry and the files on the lazy susan, Aunt Lydia said that one of the Commanders didn't want a Handmaid of color. Racial prejudice exists in Gilead, but it is kept on the down low. Under the table, pun intended.

Critics of this show talk a lot about intersectionality, how jarring it is that Gilead is all about the misogyny while racial issues don't seem to exist, and really, I totally get that. It's a major change from Atwood's book. In reality, a fascist, misogynistic society like Gilead would almost certainly be deeply racist as well. I initially thought I understood why the producers made this decision. They wanted the focus of this fictional dystopia to be the oppression of women, period. There is also the practical consideration that if they had adhered more faithfully to the source material, the entire cast of this series would be white.

While I was thinking about what I would write about this episode, I realized that I hadn't thought through that assumption. They could have kept Gilead logically racist by having Handmaids of color while all of the Commanders and Wives were white. White slave owners in the past often raped and impregnated their black slaves, didn't they? And of course, June could have still had a black husband and daughter. I wonder why they didn't go that way? It would have made a lot more sense.

More glowing comments about the photography

As usual, the photography in this episode was spectacular. I was particularly struck by the from-above shot of Handmaids circling Ofandy with comfort and hugs, June in the snow with a red umbrella on her way to Loaves and Fishes, and the camera attached and moving with Ofmatthew's gun. The most striking was the line of red blood on white tile as Ofmatthew's body was dragged out of the store; it reminded me of the red ropes they use for hanging.

And the flashbacks were so pretty that they often looked unreal – the diffused lights on the Christmas tree, the sparkling clothing and hangings at the nightclub, the New Year's Eve glitter. I'm sure that was on purpose. The unreality, I mean.

Do they celebrate Christmas in Gilead? Has it been mentioned? It seems unlikely. But I didn't think they would have dancing, either.

Bits:

— The name of Hannah's Martha wasn't mentioned in the previous episode, but here, the very first scene started with June talking about Frances, and what an ordinary life she led before Gilead. Much like Lydia.

— Janine was kindness itself toward Ofmatthew, and when Ofmatthew lost it in Loaves and Fishes, she beat the crap out of Janine. It would have made more sense if Ofmatthew had attacked June, instead.

— During the birth scenes and the testifying, the Handmaids were acting a little like a bitchy high school clique. "Crybaby! Crybaby! Crybaby! Crybaby!" actually made me laugh.

— June told Joseph Lawrence that he wasn't protecting Eleanor, he was suffocating her. Lawrence didn't take the bait. I'm starting to think the Lawrences are in danger. Gilead turns on its own on a regular basis. No one is safe.

— The Lydia/Ryan twenty questions scene that opened the flashback began with Ryan asking, "Am I alive?" I wonder. Is he?

— Gold acting stars for Ashleigh LaThrop, who played Ofmatthew. I wish we'd known her character's real name. Maybe we'll find out what it was at the beginning of the next episode.

Quotes:

Aunt Lydia: "Tell your friends to cool it." June: "I'm sorry, Aunt Lydia. I don't know what you're talking about. You want to take my tongue out? Burn my arm? Better hope they don't need me on TV again for Nichole."

June: "How did that rhyme go? The one we'd jump rope to? Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief. A game to tell what our children would grow up to be. The list is a lot shorter now, especially if it's a girl. Martha, Jezebel, Handmaid, Wife." What about "Aunt"?

Noelle: "You're a fucking coldhearted bitch!" Lydia: "I forgive you."

Aunt Lydia: "Sometimes it's the apple, and sometimes it's the barrel." Aunt Lydia has decided it's the barrel this time. She wants to transfer June to another household. Uh oh.

June: "I hurt her. and I enjoyed it. The wives and aunts, too, grieving over Ofandy's dead child. And Lawrence. They all deserve to suffer. It's an acquired taste, seeing others in pain. Like that smoky scotch Luke got as a gift once. I grew to like that."

June: "I finally know how Oflgen felt, what made her put on that bomb vest. […] And I know how Emily felt, right before she stuck a knife in Lydia's back." Again, it sure sounds like June is ready to die.

This is the second episode in a row that I didn't much like. Two out of four smoky scotches.

---

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 16

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: language, suggestive

Episode Summary: This episode takes place in February 2014 and is Chris making good on his bet for the Super Bowl between the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological.  It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future.  However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 15

Episode 16: Super Bowl XLVIII

February 2, 2014

The sun was already up and making its presence known around the edges of the curtains, when Ellie woke up. Not ready to get out of bed, she rolled over with the thought of trying to fall back asleep, but the idea left her when she saw that Chris was still in bed with her. He was lying on his back and had kicked away most of the covers during the night, leaving just the sheet covering the lower half of his body.

Ellie bit down on her lower lip as she fought the temptation to reach out and touch him. Looking back at the clock on her nightstand, she saw that it was already 9:30 and she knew they had a full day ahead of them, not to mention the fact that they'd been up late the night before. It was only the knowledge that her cousin would be there in an hour to pick her up for brunch and she still had to take a shower that forced Ellie from her bed and into the bathroom.

Last night, prior to them retiring to her bedroom for the night, she and Chris had worked with Scott to clean the big house for the Super Bowl party they were throwing. Not wanting a repeat of the football kick off party, Ellie had created a to do list on the way home from the bed and breakfast last weekend. Getting all of the cleaning done on Saturday, had been the first time on said list.

Unbeknownst to her, however, Chris had his own list and getting her out of the house was on the top of it. It hadn't been until last night that he had let her know that he had other plans for how Super Bowl Sunday would go. He'd lured her from the big house for a date night of pizza, beer and a movie in the guesthouse.

It wasn't until after the movie had ended that he had informed her that while he was putting the finishing touches on the party, she would be having brunch with her cousin. She'd hammered him with questions, after that, but he had refused to give her any more information. Not even after she'd given him a mind-blowing blow job. In the end, he had distracted her from the plans for Super Bowl Sunday by giving her a couple fantastic orgasms that had left her legs feeling like jelly and her body beautifully sore.

Even now, as she washed in the shower, she came across tender bits of flesh where he'd dug his fingers into her a little too hard while in the throes of passion. She didn't mind though, especially not after she'd played doctor when they'd gotten home last Sunday and had tended to all the scratches she'd left on his back from their various rounds of lovemaking.

Last night had been the first time they'd slept together since they'd left the bed and breakfast. Between work, hanging with Scott and everything else, there just hadn't been time for more than a few minutes here or other together and neither of them had wanted to rush anything so they'd waited.

Shutting the water off, Ellie squeezed as much water out of her hair as she could with her hands then reached out and grabbed her towel. She dried off and then used the towel to get more water out of her hair. Since she didn't have time to dry it completely, she opted for a side braid that made it easier to deal with.

When she stepped out of the bathroom, a few minutes later, Chris was gone, but he'd left a note sitting on the end of her bed.

Morning. We'll talk when you get up to the big house.

She quickly got dressed, opting for a pair of jeans and a nice shirt, knowing she'd change into her Seahawks shirt later. When she got to the kitchen in the big house, she found Scott and Chris eating donuts. Shaking her head, she grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and opened it.

"Don't judge us," Scott said his mouth full of jelly donut. "We need the sugar to get everything done this morning."

"I know and I appreciate your hard work," Ellie said with a smile. "I'll make sure we don't take too long at brunch."

"Don't hurry yourselves," Chris replied. "I already told your cousin that you can't be back here until after one o'clock."

Ellie froze with the water bottle almost to her lips. Lowering it, she looked at Chris and said, "But it's my party."

"Yes, it's your party, but I'm the host," Chris argued. "You're the guest of honor. Which means, all you do is show up."

"But the food -"

"It's being catered."

"The decorations -"

"Scott showed me where you've been stashing your Seahawks decorations and we have plenty of help to put it up and it's not just Scott and myself doing the decorating."

"So what am I supposed to do after brunch?" Ellie asked him as the buzzer for the front gate went off.

"I'll go let Phoenix in," Scott offered as he got up and all but ran from the room.

"Knowing who you'll be with, maybe manicure and pedicure? Or shopping?" Chris suggested. "You have your credit card, you can use that."

"What will your accountant think of that?" Ellie asked. "It's not exactly a household expense."

"It's making good on a bet," Chris replied with a shrug. "And I trust you not to go too crazy."

"I still don't like this," Ellie told him as they heard Scott greet someone. "Why can't I -"

"Hi Izzy," Chris said, looking at something over Ellie's shoulder.

"Don't try and dis -" Ellie started, but spun around when she heard her sister say, "Hey Chris."

Upon seeing her sister, Ellie squealed and ran over to her. She wrapped her arms around Izzy and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"I'll explain in the car," Izzy replied. "Come on, we're going to be late."

Speechless, Ellie took her purse that Chris held out to her and followed Izzy out to the car where Phoenix was waiting for them.

"Surprise!" Phoenix sang when they got in and closed the doors.

It was over brunch that Ellie learned that Izzy's boss had given her the day after the Super Bowl off after discovering that she was from the Northwest and had grown up a Seattle Seahawks fan. With football as popular as it was in Texas, her boss had made the offer in case she'd wanted to go home to watch the game with her family and friends. She'd taken him up on the offer, obviously, and had come to LA to be with Ellie upon discovering, from Scott, what Chris was planning.

Despite both her sister and cousin seemingly in on Chris's plan, Ellie couldn't get either of them to tell her what he else he had up his sleeves. Thankfully, they'd both kept her distracted after brunch; first, dragging her to a walk-in nail salon to get manicures and pedicures and then dragging her to an outlet mall to shop. They even managed to talk her into buying a couple nice dresses and new undies to wear under them.

By the time they got back to the house, it was nearly two o'clock and Izzy offered to take Ellie's stuff to the guest house as they got out of the car. Ellie accepted the offer and followed her sister in the house, freezing in the doorway when she saw that Chris had found more Seahawks and Super Bowl decorations than she had. He and Scott had hung decorations in the entry hall with arrows pointing towards the kitchen.

Following the signs, Ellie went into the kitchen and found the wives of Chris's former roommates hard at work on the food for the party. She vaguely recalled that one of the women owned a catering company, but couldn't remember which one it was. She greeted the women with a hello and got a chorus of greetings in returned.

"He's downstairs," Kady told her.

"Thanks," Ellie replied. She went down the basement stairs and smiled when she reached the bottom. Chris had gotten a little carried away with the decorations, covering nearly every open space on the walls with something Seattle Seahawks or their colors, but she loved it. He'd even gotten Daisy a pink Seahawks jersey and put her in it for the reveal. (Later, upon looking closer, she would spot a few hidden Patriots items in the room.)

"What do you think?" Chris asked, appearing at her side.

"I love it," Ellie replied, turning to look at him. "Thank you, Chris."

"You're welcome," he said, pulling her into a hug. Taking advantage of the fact that they were alone for a few seconds, he dipped his head and pressed his lips against hers.

Ellie leaned her body into his and fisted his shirt with her hands, losing herself in the kiss until they were rudely interrupted by their siblings.

"And welcome to my life," Scott said in an exaggerated stage whisper to Izzy.

"Shut up, they're cute," Izzy replied, winking at Ellie, who was blushing as she and Chris parted.

"Just wait, it gets old quickly," Scott told her as he pretended to gag.

Chris rolled his eyes and pointed to the stairs. "Go find something to do other than harassing us," he told his brother.

Scott saluted Chris with his middle finger and then raced up the stairs.

"The others will be here soon," Chris told Ellie. He nodded his head towards the stairs and added, "I'm going to go make sure Scott is helping and not sampling."

"I heard that," Scott yelled from upstairs, his words muffled in a way that suggested his mouth was full.

Chris rolled his eyes and went upstairs.

"You go get ready," Izzy told her sister as they heard the brothers picking on each other. "I'll go supervise."

It took Ellie less than twenty minutes to change into her favorite Seahawks shirt, pull her hair into a messy bun and cleanup after Daisy in the backyard. By the time she returned to the big house, Chris's friends had arrived as had Phoenix's husband, Kurt, and their one-year-old son, Isaiah.

Most of the guests had chosen to wear something in a Seahawks color, a nod to Ellie winning the bet that she and Chris had made on the first day of the season. Even Scott had changed into a bright green polo shirt.

Then Ellie spotted Chris, who was talking to one of his friends. He had changed, too, from a black shirt into a navy blue Patriots shirt. She made her way towards him and his friend saw her before Chris did. The friend muttered something to Chris before winking at Ellie and moving away.

"Nice shirt," she told Chris, sarcastically.

"It's got a 12 on it," Chris said with a shoulder shrug.

"Not the right kind of 12," Ellie replied, crossing her arms. "And definitely not the right team."

"There was nothing in our bet that required me to wear a Seahawks shirt," Chris reminded her with a big grin.

Ellie narrowed her eyes at him and let out of a huff. "We'll add it next time," she told him. "You'll look really good in Action Green."

Turning on her heel, she made her way over to baby Isaiah, who launched himself into her arms as soon as she was close enough.

With so many people, it didn't take them long to get the food downstairs and setup on the folding tables that Chris had rented for the day. Coolers were brought in from outside with ice cold beer and soda in them.

They all visited during the pre-show, quieting in respect as the national anthem was sung, and had mostly found their seats by the time the coin toss ceremony began. They all chuckled as the special guest, Joe Namath, flipped the coin early and the head referee snatched the coin out of the air so he could finish explaining the rules. A minute later, the real toss happened and Ellie pumped her first when the Seahawks won it.

As the Denver Broncos lined up for their first play, following the kick off, Ellie found herself practically shoved into Chris's lap as Scott wedged himself in between her and Izzy on the couch. She was in the process of righting herself when the ball was snapped. Almost immediately, the commentators announced it was a bad snap and the pro-Seahawks crowd roared. She got her eyes on the screen just in time to see a Denver player pounce on the ball in the end zone, giving the Seahawks a 2-point safety.

"And that's how you start the Super Bowl!" Ellie exclaimed as she shared high fives with those around her. She had to nudge Chris to get him to high five her, but he did so, happy to see her happy. Turning to Scott, she punched him in the shoulder and said, "I almost missed that because of you."

"And almost took out my family jewels," Chris added from over her shoulder.

"Sorry?" Scott offered, unapologetically, his eyes focused on the Doritos commercial that was playing.

When the game came back, they watched as the Broncos kicked the ball to the Seahawks. The Broncos defensive line managed to keep the Seahawks from scoring a touchdown on the drive that followed, but gave up a field goal making the score 5 to 0.

As the first quarter continued, Denver's offense stalemated against the Seahawks and their defense gave up a second field goal, making the score 8 to 0. With another chance to score, the Broncos offense came onto the field, but gave up an interception with less than a minute left in the quarter.

The second quarter started with the Seahawks getting a touchdown and extra point off the drive that had started with the interception the quarter before. Then they picked off another pass from Peyton Manning and scored a second touchdown and extra point, making the score 22 to 0.

"How ya doing?" Chris asked Ellie as the game went to yet another commercial. "Feeling light headed yet?"

"I feel amazing," she replied, dramatically resting her head on his shoulder. "My team is kicking ass."

When the game started up again, Denver nearly coughed up at ball on the kick off, but the officials ruled that the player was down, ending the play before he lost control of the ball. (Not that Ellie agreed with the call as she cursed under her breath.) Ultimately, the Broncos were unable to score on their last drive of the first half and the Seahawks took over and killed the final minutes on the clock.

While waiting for the halftime show to start, everyone got more food or took a turn in one of the bathrooms. As Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers performed, they all sang along and danced, some in their seats and others where they weren't blocking anyone's view of the TV.

The third quarter started off with a bang, literally, as the Seahawks' Percy Harvin caught the ball on the kick off from the Broncos and ran it 87 yards to score another touchdown. (A play that had Ellie leaping off the couch and nearly knocking over Chris's beer in the process.) A successful extra point attempt made the score 29 to 0, Seahawks.

A failed drive for each team followed that touchdown, but Seattle got the ball back off a fumble. They scored a touchdown and extra point, several plays later, making the score 36 to 0. Denver managed to score their own touchdown, a few minutes later, and got a two-point conversion, making the score 36 to 8.

"How ya doin, champ?" Chris asked with a grin as the third quarter ended. He'd seen Ellie get excited about football, but she was ecstatic and riding an emotional high with the way the game was unfolding. Even he had to admit that the Seahawks were playing amazing, but only to himself.

"They're going to do this," Ellie said, stating the obvious. "They're going to win this mother-"

"ELLIE!" Her cousin cut her off before she could finish the rest of the word.

"Oops," Ellie said with a giggle. Leaning closer to Chris, she whispered, "They're going to win this motherfucking game."

"Yes they are," Chris agreed with a laugh.

And so they did. Denver attempted an onside kick, but Seattle recovered the ball. They scored on that drive, making the game 43 to 8. What followed were several unsuccessful drives by both teams, a fumble recovery for the Seahawks and then the final whistle.

"WE WON!" Ellie shouted as the players and coaches celebrated their Super Bowl victory on the TV. She threw herself into Chris's arms, as he stood up, and kissed him, not caring that everyone could see them. Not that he seemed to care as he kissed her back.

"Again with the kissing?" Scott asked sarcastically. He was happy that Chris had found someone like Ellie, but he couldn't help but tease his brother a bit and he knew Ellie would just roll her eyes.

Ellie was still floating on cloud nine as they all worked together to put away leftovers, making sure that everyone took something home with them to munch on later. She got lots of 'congrats' hugs as everyone began to leave, including Izzy, who was catching a flight home that night.

"Have fun tonight," her sister whispered as they hugged goodbye. "Enjoy him, I mean, yourself."

"You're awful," Ellie said with a laugh as she poked her sister in the side. "But I will."

Eventually, it was just her, Chris and Scott left in the house. She and Chris were in the kitchen doing the last of the dishes when Scott came in with a bag.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow," he announced. "I'm house sitting for a friend tonight. Thought I'd take Daisy with to keep me company?"

"Uh, sure," Ellie replied, glancing at her dog who was still rocking her Seahawks jersey. "If you're sure it's ok with your friend."

"It is," Scott assured her. "We'll be back in the morning." He grabbed Daisy's leash and opened his mouth to ask if she wanted to go on a drive, but shut it when the dog bounded towards him at the sound of her leash jangling. "I guess that's a yes from Daisy, too." He clipped the leash onto Daisy's collar.

"What about food?" Ellie asked. "And -"

"Already packed her stuff," Scott assured her. "See ya." He led Daisy out the door to the garage and Chris closed it behind them.

"Did you have something to do with that?" Ellie asked him as he turned back towards her.

"With my brother leaving? Yes. With him taking Daisy? No," Chris replied as he took the towel from Ellie's hands and tossed it onto the counter. "Let's let these air dry and go upstairs."

"What's upstairs?" she asked coyly as he pressed her back against the counter. She was reminded suddenly of a similar position she and Chris had found themselves in at the beginning of the season. At that time, he'd been picking a piece of fuzz out of her hair. This time, she knew, he was plotting how to get her out of her clothes and into his bed.

"Your private Super Bowl celebration awaits upstairs," Chris told her, his voice low and rough.

"Tell me more about this celebration," Ellie encouraged as she looked up at him.

"Well, there will be kissing, lots of kissing," Chris teased. "And a shower, but the actual shower kind, not the champagne kind -"

"Well that's disappointing," Ellie interrupted. "I've always wanted to be sprayed with champagne." Chris quirked an eyebrow at her words. "What? Haven't you?"

"I've had it done," he replied. "It's not as cool as it looks when you get it in your eyes. Or if someone takes a cork to the balls." Ellie snickered. "Ask Chucky about it next time you see him, we got a bit wild at Brock's bachelor party."

"Oh, I will," Ellie promised, making a mental note to ask. She loved hearing the stories that Chris and his friends shared, especially after they'd all had a drink or two and had loosened up a bit. They constantly tried to one up each other with their stories, which led to a lot of revelations.

"Now back to our private celebration," Chris said, taking back control of the situation. "I'm sorry to say your Seahawks shirt will not be allowed." Now it was her turn to raise an eyebrow. "It's a clothing free party."

"I've never been to a clothing free party," Ellie confessed. She made to reach for the hem of her shirt, to get the party started, but paused and looked at the door. "Are you sure Scott is gone?"

"Let's move the party upstairs, just in case," Chris suggested. "You head up, I'll lock up the house."

Ellie nodded and headed upstairs to Chris's room. She considered taking her clothes off before he got there, but decided to wait and see what he had in mind.

When he arrived a couple minutes later, he was carrying a small cooler and a picnic basket.

"What's that for?" Ellie asked with a laugh.

"It's only 8:30 and I don't plan on us leaving this room until morning," he said as he set the cooler and picnic basket on the floor by his reading chair. "I've got everything we need to keep us going tonight. Food, water and gatorade."

"Well if I'm going to be stuck with you for at least the next twelve hours, at least you brought brownies," Ellie teased, after sneaking a peek into the basket to see what he'd brought up.

"Stuck, ha," Chris replied, wrapping his arms around her waist. "You can't wait to get with all of this." He gyrated his hips in a lewd fashion against her. "Shall we get this party started then?"

"I was waiting for you, party boy," Ellie told him in silky smooth voice. She placed her hand over his heart and then slid it down his torso to the hem of his shirt. "Why don't you go first?"

"No, no," he said, shaking his head. "My mom always taught me that gentlemen let ladies go first and I'm a gentleman."

Ellie rolled her eyes, but took a step back and pulled her Seahawks shirt off, tossing it onto the floor. "Your turn."

Chris grinned and pulled his shirt over his head before adding it to the pile. He pointed at Ellie's jeans and then made an 'out of here' gesture with his right hand before he crossed his arms over his chest.

Having taken her shoes and socks off earlier, Ellie smiled as she popped the button on her jeans and drew the zipper down. She added an extra sway to her hips as she shimmed her jeans down her body. She was bent to remove her jeans when she heard the unmistakable sound of jeans falling down. Looking up, she saw that Chris was standing with his jeans pooled at his feet and wearing a pair of bright green boxer briefs.

"So, do I look as good in Action Green as you thought I would?" he asked, his hands on his hips.

Finally free of her jeans, Ellie kicked them aside and nodded her head. It was true it wasn't exactly Action Green, but it was close and she knew he'd worn them just for this moment.

"Think I'll get some action?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Did the Seahawks just win the Super Bowl?" Ellie answered in the form of another question with an obvious answer of yes. "Maybe a bath first?"

"A bath?" Chris asked, his hands falling from his hips. "Why would we take a bath?"

"Because it's romantic?"

"A shower is faster. Not to mention part of the party plan."

Ellie rolled her eyes as she sighed. "I just washed my hair this morning, Chris. If we take a shower, I have to wear a shower cap."

"So?" he asked.

The 'so' was that her heavy duty shower cap was not attractive at all. She went into the bathroom and opened the drawer that Chris had designated for his mom and sisters bath stuff. He had given her permission, months ago, to use his soaking tub when he was gone and she had, several times. Because of that, she had put her own bath things in the drawer, including the 1970s patterned, heavy duty shower cap that she wore to keep her hair dry. It was one of the many she'd tried, over the years, that could hold all of her hair up without leaving angry red marks on her forehead.

"What in the hell is that?" Chris asked as she turned around with the hideous thing in her hands.

"My shower cap," Ellie replied with a small frown. She took a second to put it on and then looked up at him, expecting to find him looking at her with disgust, but there was a funny look on his face. "What?"

"Take off your bra and panties," he told her in a husky voice.

She eyed him as she reached behind her and unclasped her bra, rolling her shoulders forward so the straps would fall down. She pulled the fabric away from her body and dropped it onto the bathroom rug. Then she slipped her hands under the waistband of her panties and pulled them down, kicking them away. Taking a deep breath, she pushed her shoulders back and then looked up to meet Chris's eyes.

Chris sucked in an audible breath of air as he took in the voluptuous curves of her body bared before him: her full breasts, the softness of her narrow waist that flared out at her hips and her amazing ass that he could see if he looked into the mirror behind her. Two steps was all it took for him to reach her and he pulled her against him before planting a passionate kiss on her lips.

Rising to her tiptoes, Ellie weaved her hand into Chris's hair as she kissed him back, her embarrassment over her shower cap forgotten completely. Breathless, a moment later, she pulled away and lowered herself so she was standing flat footed again. "I thought we were going to take a shower first," she whispered.

"We are," Chris said, a little confused himself. It took every ounce of his willpower to step away from her and turn towards the shower. Even more to actually walk to the shower and turn it on. He was so focused on achieving the shower objective that he started to get into the shower, but was stopped when Ellie grabbed his arm.

"You're still wearing your boxers," she said with an amused giggle.

Blinking, Chris looked down and saw that, sure enough, he was still wearing his underwear. He smacked Ellie's bum lightly as she stepped into the shower still giggling over his moment. After shucking his boxer briefs, Chris joined her and enjoyed the squeal that escaped her mouth when he pressed her against the still cool tile wall. Then he made it up to her.

Once in the shower and then again in his bed.

Episode 16.5

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I Think You Should Leave Season 2: Ranking Every Sketch

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How on Earth did we survive two years without new episodes of Netflix’s brilliant sketch comedy series I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson? The first batch of six episodes premiered on April 23 of 2019 and proved instantly iconic. 

Contained within the season’s roughly two-dozen sketches was absolutely hilarious and essential comedy that provided ample memetic kindling for the internet’s conversational fire. For the focused enough mind, it’s entirely possible to communicate with one’s friends exclusively in I Think You Should Leave memes. Lord knows, I’ve tried it.

Thankfully, ITYSL season 2 has finally arrived on Netflix after its COVID-19 delay. It features 28 sketches that range from “pretty funny” to “I can’t stop laughing. Oh God, I can’t stop laughing. It hurts, surely this is the end. Surely, I will die.”

Check out our rankings below and then begin yelling at our chances like Spectrum is dropping your network.

28. Credit Card Roulette

If nothing else, Tim Robinson and I Think You Should Leave co-creator Zach Kanin are incredible comedy scouts. Through two seasons, the show’s sketches have been a who’s who of up-and-coming comedic talent, like the wonderful John Early who is featured in this sketch. Unfortunately Early is not served well by the material here, which doesn’t rise to the same ludicrous heights as season 2’s other sketches. The best moment is Early’s immediate resolve that he’s not paying the bill, but the sketch doesn’t go too far after that. 

27. Dave’s Poop Double

The sketch that serves as the cold open of season 2’s final episode doesn’t get things off to the best start. The concept of Tim’s “Luka” hiring a guy who looks just like his coworker Dave to take monster shits every time he gets up is certainly fun but missing an important layer of added absurdity. Luka is probably the best name for any of Robinson’s random characters yet though.

26. Little Buff Boys Pt. 2

Season 2 features many more callbacks to previous sketches than the first season did. This followup to Little Buff Boys is the worst of the bunch but still quite funny. Perhaps the only thing more absurd than a Little Buff Boys competition is someone being proud of running “one of” the biggest LBB competitions in the Greater Cincinnati area. This sketch also passes up an easy Cincinnati Chili joke in favor of creating the truly vile “cherry chuck salad.”

25. Detective Crashmore Trailer

This trailer for action thriller Detective Crashmore is funny enough on its own but doesn’t reach another comedic level until the AOL Blast interview two sketches later. Still, I unironically want to see an action film with a lead character whose main quip is “Eat fucking bullets, you fuckers. You fucking suck. You fucking SUCK!”

24. I Should Have Got That

I Think You Should Leave deserves a big spread in AARP magazine. No other sketch show revels in the talents of older comedians quite like this one. After 81-year-old comedian Ruben Rabasa stole the show in season 1, season 2 ups the ante with many more sketches letting old folks shine. It’s Bob McDuff Wilson’s turn this time around and his child-like obsession with his student’s burger kills right up until the shockingly dark kicker.

23. Office Surfing

“I almost killed myself, Jullliieeeeee” is one of the best line-reads of the season. The sketch it’s built around isn’t too remarkable but man, does Robinson knock that one out of the park. 

22. “No, I Don’t Know How to Drive”

This is a quickie but a goodie. Robinson’s characters break down in tears quite often this season and this is one of the better occasions. How far have Tim’s characters come – from reveling in the existence of four-wheeled motorcycles to looking at the inside of a car and weeping “I don’t know what any of this shit is and I’m fucking scared.”

21. The Capital Room

Speaking of top tier comedic talent, thank God Patti Harrison stopped by another season of I Think You Should Leave. This time around, we get two heaping doses of Patti. This one, the first of the two, is the inferior but still quite great. In the span of roughly 30 seconds, Harrison unveils the saga of a woman who A. Got sewn into the pants of the Thanksgiving Day parade Charlie Brown float, B. Hates all bald boys, C. Sued the city and won a fortune, D. Is now helplessly addicted to wine, and E. Is tragically self-aware that her money will run out soon.

20. But It’s Lunch

Just like last year’s opening sketch, “But It’s Lunch” (this is probably a good time to mention, that I’m naming all of these things myself. You could very easily call this the Hotdog sketch but that would confuse it with last year’s hotdog sketch) sets the perfect opening mood. The sight gag of Robinson’s Pat trying to stealthily eat a hotdog is wonderful, and the fact that things so quickly escalate to hotdog surgery and puke is just sublime. 

19. Carber Hotdog Vacuum

The follow-up to “But It’s Lunch” occurs a full two episodes later and proves to be a hell of a pay-off. Robinson’s unnamed character (who is obviously Pat) very quickly reveals that there is one very specific reason he made this hotdog vacuum invention and you’ll never guess what it was. We all make mistakes. We shouldn’t be fired for them.

18. Insider Trading Trial (Stupid Hat)

This sketch somewhat mimics the experience of trying to explain what I Think You Should Leave is like to someone who has never seen it. “So, this guy took too small a slice of toilet paper…” or “…and then he has to have to have sex with his mother-in-law.” “Insider Trading” rotely describes the bizarre behaviors of one of Robinson’s deeply strange characters, Brian, as it’s being read into the court record. Brian and his stupid fedora with the safari flaps is in attendance to provide a visual aid. As are some hilarious flashbacks in which Brian attempts to roll the hat down his arm like Fred Astaire and instead encounters only wheelchair grease. 

17. The Ice Cream Store is Closed Today

Before he was a criminal lawyer, Bob Odenkirk was one of the most legendary sketch writers of all time. It’s only fitting that he stop by ITYSL season 2 to provide his comedic blessing. Odenkirk is great from the get-go but this one doesn’t really get rolling until the end when Robinson finds himself truly immersed in the fictional life of this sad old man. “His wife’s sick but she’s gonna get better” is a shockingly emotional moment amid pure farce.

16. Barbie and the Blues Brothers

This is the sketch that climbed the most in my rankings upon a second viewing. What first seemed to be a waste of Conner O’Malley’s manic comedic energy became a semi-classic once I submitted to its strange vibes. I don’t even know what to call this one but Robinson’s character refusing to stop dancing as Barbie the dog melts down is hilarious. O’Malley is better served by last season’s “honk if you’re horny” sketch, still he gets some bangers in this time around like “She thinks he’s a whole new guy because of the glasses and the hat” and “it’s her house, she’s doing what’s right!” Robinson once again closes this nonsense out with some well-earned tears. “It’s just me, Barbie. I’m not the Blues Brothers.”

15. Jaime Taco (I Love My Wife)

“Jamie Taco” is a prime example of just how rapidly (and how well) I Think You Should Leave is able to veer into pure nonsensical genius. At the top, this sketch comes perilously close to making an actual statement about how men are too quick to pretend like their wives are horrible nags. This sketch, however, has its sights set on something much dumber…and therefore better. Our hero (played hilariously by Richard Jewell’s Paul Walter Hauser) loves his wife because she helped him through his darkest moment, which just so happens to be when snotty young actor Jamie Taco refused to let him say his Henchman lines in a play.

14. Comos Restaurant 

All hail the return of the great Tim Heidecker! Heidecker, of Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! fame, is one of the few comedians with a strange enough sensibility to be reasonably seen as an I Think You Should Leave forerunner. His season 1 turn as a walnut-obsessed jazz douche is a classic and this one reaches similar heights. This time, Heidecker’s character, Gary, and his lovely date, Janeane (Tracey Birdsall), have good reason to be annoyed by their date night at the sci-fi cosmos restaurant being interrupted by some hacky jokes. Of course, they use this opportunity to reveal that Jeannine’s mom used to drink puke for the Davy and Rascal radio show to pay for school supplies. It’s oddly refreshing to have a Heidecker character given a game partner and Gary and Janeane make one great team.

13. Detective Crashmore Interivew

While the Detective Crashmore trailer is the setup, this interview with AOL Blast is the punchline. Detective Crashmore is played by Santa Claus, because why not? Actor Biff Wiff’s gruff, nasally Midwestern timber is the perfect accent to accompany this lunacy. This is a Santa who in one breath demands to be taken seriously as an actor (Billy Bob Thornton-style) and in the next admits to seeing everyone in the world’s dick.

12. Sloppy Steaks (I Used to Be a Piece of Shit)

From here on out, it’s nothing but absolute homeruns. “Sloppy Steaks” could very well have been number one on this list and few would have batted an eye. The setup here is amazing as it gives Tim Robinson a reason to essentially have beef with a baby. The baby cries because he knows Robinson used to be a piece of shit. But don’t babies understand that people can change? That’s funny enough to begin with, but the real gut-busting moment here is the reveal of what “being a piece of shit” really means. In this case it means slicking one’s hair back and dousing the steaks at Truffoni’s with water to make sloppy steaks.

11. Johnny Carson Impersonator

Just a quick rundown for those who are confused…

Johnny Carson = Can Hit. George Kennedy = Can’t Hit. George Bush = Can’t Hit. 

10. Driving School (Her Job is Tables)

This is the rare I Think You Should Leave sketch that actually provides an answer to all the lunacy. As Robinson’s character’s Driver’s Ed class watches Patti Harrison’s actress in some dated videos, they can’t help but wonder what she does for a living. “Tables,” Robinson answers over and over again. This would be funny enough on its own but the reveal that Harrison provides tables to Monster Cons is a rare and valuable moment of “Ohhhhh that’s why” for this show. Equally as valuable is Harrison, who really sells that those tables are her lifeblood.

9. Claire’s Ear-Piercings

One has to wonder how much time goes into choosing the perfect “order” for the sketches in I Think You Should Leave. Two seasons in a row now, the show has selected pitch perfect opening and closing sketches. This closing number is oddly melancholic as the Claire’s orientation video for girls who want to get their ears pierced somehow gives way to one 58-year-old man named Ron Tussbler’s existential dread. If we really get to see the “highlights” after we die, forcibly fake laughing every ten minutes to make the voyeuristic experience all the richer sounds like a good strategy and not sad at all. Hang in there, Ron.

8. Little Buff Boys Competition

What. A. Crop. It was a virtual certainty that ITYSL season 2 would feature a spiritual successor to the classic “Baby of the Year” sketch in season 1. Thank God “Little Buff Boys” is up to the challenge of replicating that magic. This one has all the right elements to be another hit: Sam Richardson (in a wig this time, no less), a grand pageant hall, and some precocious youths. Troll Boy also joins the canon of young ITYSL characters who everybody instinctively hates alongside Bart Harley Jarvis.

7. Tammy Craps

There’s something weirdly nefarious about this commercial for a poisonous doll that doesn’t have farts in her head anymore. It’s a criticism of late stage capitalism crossed with the cursed nature of the Annabelle movies…while not being like either of those things at all. In reality, this is just another absurdist concept sprung from the terrifying inner depths of the writing staff’s mind. It also happens to be a particularly great one. The girl weighing her clothes down with rocks so she can hit the magical 60-pound threshold to safely play with Tammy Craps is one of the best gags of the season.

6. Karl Havoc

“Little Buff Boys Competition” and another upcoming sketch are likely to produce the lion’s share of memes and quotes from this season of ITYSL. But the one quote that’s stuck in my mind most aggressively comes from this hilarious episode 1 clip. The sight of Robinson’s Carmine Laguzio posing as the dead-faced freakshow Karl Havoc and muttering “I don’t want to be around anymore” is quite simply one of the funniest things I’ve ever witnessed. This is a marvelous, unnerving, utterly hilarious sketch. That there are somehow five better sketches speaks to how strong this season is. 

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5. Dan Flashes Pt. 1 (Office)

I Think You Should Leave is now two for two in introducing the most cutting edge items in men’s fashion. Season 1 featured the arrival of the highly practical TC Tugger shirt. Now season 2 ups the ante with the stylish Dan Flashes. This sketch succeeds because it takes a simple question “Why is Mike laying down during a business meeting?” and divines the most outlandish answer possible. Mike isn’t eating because he’s spending all his money on Dan Flashes shirts. 

4. Dan Flashes Pt. 2 (Hotel Menu)

It’s one thing to introduce a hilarious concept, it’s another thing entirely to put it into practice. This second entry into the Dan Flashes canon is amazing. Back in part 1, it seemed as though the intricate patterns on the Dan Flashes shirts have a hypnotic effect on men who look exactly like Tim Robinson. Seeing the reality of that – pasty men battling one another to get their credit cards to the cashier before the other – is truly hilarious stuff.

3. Coffin Flop

This is the second sketch of the entire season…the second! And holy shit, does it set a strong precedent for what’s to come. This impassioned message from the Corncob TV CEO for Spectrum to save his network and its precisely one television program is a masterclass in shock humor. Watching body after body busting out of shit wood somehow never loses its grim luster. Somehow, in a sketch that features dozens of naked corpses flopping to the ground unexpectedly, it’s Robinson’s monologue that hits the hardest. “This world is so fucked up. And people are mad at me because I showed a bunch of naked dead bodies with their spread blue butts flying out of boxes? Really?”

2. Calico Cut Pants

Every episode of I Think You Should Leave season 2 features five sketches save for episode 4 which has only three. And that’s because episode 4 is dominated by a near 10-minute epic called “Calico Cut Pants.” In many ways, Calico Cut Pants is the platonic ideal of an ITYSL sketch. It takes place in a nightmarish world where every bizarre action only leads to an even more bizarre reaction. Nothing ever cools down. There is always something stranger on the horizon.

In this instance, Mike O’Brien (longtime SNL writer and the creator of the terminally underrated comedy A.P. Bio) plays an office drone who enters into a living hell merely because his co-worker helps him out of a mildly annoying social jam. Robinson’s character introduces him to a website that advertises pants with piss stains on them. That’s all well and good but once you know about Calicocutpants.com you Always. Have. To. Give. It’s like PBS, but more demonic. This remarkable sketch includes everything that’s great about this show, right down to characters with inexplicable idiosyncrasies like Tim Robinson’s adamance that doors must always be held open for him.

1. Ghost Tour

The funniest moment in ITYSL season 2 (and maybe the funniest moment in the history of the world) occurs in this sketch. Tim Robinson’s character has been admonished for his potty mouth during a ghost tour over and over again. The tour guide even said he’s ruining his job. But this poor man sincerely cannot understand why he’s in trouble. This is a tour for adults and he’s following the rules by using adult language. Like any good Robinson character, he truly believes that he’s the sane one and it’s the rest of the world that’s taking crazy pills.

So in his darkest moment, the man musters up his strength through tears and delivers the following query:

“Not trying to be funny. Not trying to get a laugh. I don’t want anybody to have the worst day at their job. But. Do any of these….fuckers….ever blast out of the wall and have, like a huge cum shot?”

Cue: riotous, damn near apocalyptic laughter. What a treasure and blessing this whole show is.

I Think You Should Leave season 2 is available to stream on Netflix now.

The post I Think You Should Leave Season 2: Ranking Every Sketch appeared first on Den of Geek.

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THE BANK OUTING BASEBALL GAME

September 16, 1949

“The Bank Outing Baseball Game” (aka “Baseball”) is episode #54 of the radio series MY FAVORITE HUSBAND broadcast on September 16, 1949.

This was the third episode of the second season of MY FAVORITE HUSBAND. There were 43 new episodes, with the season ending on June 25, 1950.  

The date this episode first aired, a Gallup Poll listed Bob Hope as America's most popular comedian. Milton Berle finished second while Jack Benny, Red Skelton and Fibber McGee and Molly rounded out the top five. Coincidentally, a few years before this episode aired, Hope had become partial owner of the Cleveland Indians baseball team. 

Synopsis ~ Liz is determined not to be left out of the baseball game at the Annual Bank Outing, so she persuades her neighbor Mr. Wood to teach her how to play the game.

“My Favorite Husband” was based on the novels Mr. and Mrs. Cugat, the Record of a Happy Marriage (1940) and Outside Eden (1945) by Isabel Scott Rorick, which had previously been adapted into the film Are Husbands Necessary? (1942). “My Favorite Husband” was first broadcast as a one-time special on July 5, 1948. Lucille Ball and Lee Bowman played the characters of Liz and George Cugat, and a positive response to this broadcast convinced CBS to launch “My Favorite Husband” as a series. Bowman was not available Richard Denning was cast as George. On January 7, 1949, confusion with bandleader Xavier Cugat prompted a name change to Cooper. On this same episode Jell-O became its sponsor. A total of 124 episodes of the program aired from July 23, 1948 through March 31, 1951. After about ten episodes had been written, writers Fox and Davenport departed and three new writers took over – Bob Carroll, Jr., Madelyn Pugh, and head writer/producer Jess Oppenheimer. In March 1949 Gale Gordon took over the existing role of George's boss, Rudolph Atterbury, and Bea Benaderet was added as his wife, Iris. CBS brought “My Favorite Husband” to television in 1953, starring Joan Caulfield and Barry Nelson as Liz and George Coope.  The television version ran two-and-a-half seasons, from September 1953 through December 1955, running concurrently with “I Love Lucy.” It was produced live at CBS Television City for most of its run, until switching to film for a truncated third season filmed (ironically) at Desilu and recasting Liz Cooper with Vanessa Brown.

MAIN CAST

Lucille Ball (Liz Cooper) was born on August 6, 1911 in Jamestown, New York. She began her screen career in 1933 and was known in Hollywood as ‘Queen of the B’s’ due to her many appearances in ‘B’ movies. With Richard Denning, she starred in a radio program titled “My Favorite Husband” which eventually led to the creation of “I Love Lucy,” a television situation comedy in which she co-starred with her real-life husband, Latin bandleader Desi Arnaz. The program was phenomenally successful, allowing the couple to purchase what was once RKO Studios, re-naming it Desilu. When the show ended in 1960 (in an hour-long format known as “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour”) so did Lucy and Desi’s marriage. In 1962, hoping to keep Desilu financially solvent, Lucy returned to the sitcom format with “The Lucy Show,” which lasted six seasons. She followed that with a similar sitcom “Here’s Lucy” co-starring with her real-life children, Lucie and Desi Jr., as well as Gale Gordon, who had joined the cast of “The Lucy Show” during season two. Before her death in 1989, Lucy made one more attempt at a sitcom with “Life With Lucy,” also with Gordon.

Richard Denning (George Cooper) was born Louis Albert Heindrich Denninger Jr., in Poughkeepsie, New York. When he was 18 months old, his family moved to Los Angeles. Plans called for him to take over his father's garment manufacturing business, but he developed an interest in acting. Denning enlisted in the US Navy during World War II. He is best known for his  roles in various science fiction and horror films of the 1950s. Although he teamed with Lucille Ball on radio in “My Favorite Husband,” the two never acted together on screen. While “I Love Lucy” was on the air, he was seen on another CBS TV series, “Mr. & Mrs. North.” From 1968 to 1980 he played the Governor on “Hawaii 5-0″, his final role. He died in 1998 at age 84.

Bea Benadaret (Iris Atterbury) was considered the front-runner to be cast as Ethel Mertz but when “I Love Lucy” was ready to start production she was already playing a similar role on TV’s “The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show” so Vivian Vance was cast instead. On “I Love Lucy” she was cast as Lucy Ricarodo’s spinster neighbor, Miss Lewis, in “Lucy Plays Cupid” (ILL S1;E15) in early 1952. Later, she was a success in her own show, "Petticoat Junction” as Shady Rest Hotel proprietress Kate Bradley. She starred in the series until her death in 1968.

Gale Gordon (Rudolph aka Rudy Atterbury) had worked with Lucille Ball on “The Wonder Show” on radio in 1938. One of the front-runners to play Fred Mertz on “I Love Lucy,” he eventually played Alvin Littlefield, owner of the Tropicana, during two episodes in 1952. After playing a Judge in an episode of “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour” in 1958, he would re-team with Lucy for all of her subsequent series’: as Theodore J. Mooney in ”The Lucy Show”; as Harrison Otis Carter in “Here’s Lucy”; and as Curtis McGibbon on "Life with Lucy.” Gordon died in 1995 at the age of 89.

Ruth Perrott (Katie, the Maid) was also later seen on “I Love Lucy.” She first played Mrs. Pomerantz, a member of the surprise investigating committee for the Society Matrons League in “Pioneer Women” (ILL S1;E25), as one of the member of the Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League in “Lucy and Ethel Buy the Same Dress” (ILL S3;E3), and also played a nurse when “Lucy Goes to the Hospital” (ILL S2;E16). She died in 1996 at the age of 96.

Bob LeMond (Announcer) also served as the announcer for the pilot episode of “I Love Lucy”. When the long-lost pilot was finally discovered in 1990, a few moments of the opening narration were damaged and lost, so LeMond – fifty years later – recreated the narration for the CBS special and subsequent DVD release.

GUEST CAST

Hans Conried (Mr. Benjamin Wood) first co-starred with Lucille Ball in The Big Street (1942). He then appeared on “I Love Lucy” as used furniture man Dan Jenkins in “Redecorating” (ILL S2;E8) and later that same season as Percy Livermore in “Lucy Hires an English Tutor” (ILL S2;E13) – both in 1952. The following year he began an association with Disney by voicing Captain Hook in Peter Pan. On “The Lucy Show” he played Professor Gitterman in “Lucy’s Barbershop Quartet” (TLS S1;E19) and in “Lucy Plays Cleopatra” (TLS S2;E1). He was probably best known as Uncle Tonoose on “Make Room for Daddy” starring Danny Thomas, which was filmed on the Desilu lot. He joined Thomas on a season 6 episode of “Here’s Lucy” in 1973. He died in 1982 at age 64.

Although his first name is not mentioned here, it will be in future episodes. 

THE EPISODE

ANNOUNCER: “Come with us to the quiet little town of Sheridan Falls and let’s look into the brown house at 321 Bundy Drive where the Coopers live. They’re entertaining George’s boss, Mr. Atterbury, and his wife. And the subject under discussion is the forthcoming annual bank outing.”

The episode opens with Liz and Iris discussing what to wear to the bank outing. George disapproves of Liz’s new play suit. 

LIZ: “George thinks it’s too daring. He says there’s too much play and not enough suit.”

It is typical for George to disapprove of Liz’s revealing wardrobe choices, although the conversation generally revolves around swimwear. Iris wonders if she should wear her new blue slacks.

RUDY: “Why do they call them slacks? I’ve never seen any in them.”

George and Rudolph imitate the girls by feminizing their own wardrobe predicament, another comedic tact the boys have done before. George and Rudolph reveal that they have been named team captains. Iris says she’ll get a bottle of Absorbine Junior. 

Absorbine Jr. is a fast absorbing, deep penetrating topical pain reliever. It provides relief from sore muscles and cramps as well as athlete’s foot. The Absorbine company was established in 1892 as a lineament for horses. A version for humans (Absorbine Jr.) was introduced in 1903 and is still sold today.

Rudolph and George tell their wives that they won’t be playing at all, because the teams are comprised of husbands and wives, and they have no confidence in them on the baseball diamond. The girls beg to be allowed to play, despite knowing nothing about the game.

RUDOLPH: “Forget it, DiMaggio.”

Joe DiMaggio (1914-99) was a professional baseball player who played his entire career for the New York Yankees. He was nicknamed “Joltin’ Joe” and “The Yankee Clipper” for his batting skill. The summer of 1949 was when DiMaggio shined the brightest. He batted .381 against the Red Sox that year, with six homers through 13 games.The Yanks would eventually win the World Series in 1949, the first of a record five straight. 

Joe DiMaggio was mentioned on “I Love Lucy” in “Lucy is Enceinte” (ILL S2;E10), Fred gives Lucy a signed baseball for his future ‘godson’. When he asks Lucy to read out the signature, she at first says “Spalding,” the ball’s brand name, but then finds it is signed by Joe DiMaggio. In ���Ragtime Band” (ILL S6;E21), Little Ricky asks Fred, “Who’s Joe 'Maggio?”

George rhapsodizes about his college baseball career, telling a story they’ve all heard before.

GEORGE: “There’s a certain group of spectators who will never forget the afternoon of August 25, 1933.” 

This date was actually Lucille Ball’s 22nd birthday. 1933 was Ball’s first year in Hollywood, and the year her first four films were released. 

After George does a dramatic play-by-play of his big college game victory, Liz says:

LIZ: “Thank you, Ted Husing.” 

Edward ‘Ted’ Husing (1901-62) was among the first to lay the groundwork of sports reporting on television and radio. In 1946, Husing left CBS sports to pursue a career as a disk jockey and was succeeded by Red Barber. “The Ted Husing Bandstand” ran from 1946 to 1954.

The scene ends with the wives begging to play, and the boys uniformly shouting “no”!  That night in bed, Liz wakens in tears about being left out of the baseball game, feeling she is being left out.  

Next day, Liz tells Katie the Maid she’s decided to learn how to play baseball. Iris drops by with books about how to play baseball. Katie reads out the rules. The doorbell rings. It is the Cooper’s neighbor, Mr. Wood (Hans Conried), who is lonesome, despite having eleven children. He volunteers to teach the girls baseball. After all, he saw a World Series game once. He mentions Babe Ruth. 

George Herman "Babe" Ruth Jr. (1895-1948) was a professional baseball player whose career spanned 22 seasons, from 1914 through 1935. Nicknamed "The Bambino" and "The Sultan of Swat", he began his career as a pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, but achieved his greatest fame playing with the New York Yankees.  

Ruth was mentioned on a 1963 episode of “The Lucy Show” when Lucy and Viv’s sons join Little League. [Desi Arnaz Jr. played billy Simmons in the show, and Ball posed for this publicity still with her son.] 

It is here that the episode starts to vaguely resemble “The Golf Game” (ILL S3;E30) in 1954. In it, Lucy and Ethel decide they want to play golf with their husbands, despite the boys saying they known nothing about the game. In fact, they don’t, so they fall for whatever ridiculous rules the boys make-up. Coincidentally, this sport-themed episode was filmed on Hans Conried’s 37th birthday. The Little League-themed “Lucy Show” mentioned above was first aired on Conried’s 45th birthday! 

Using the living room as their baseball diamond and sofa cushions as bases, Mr. Wood attempts to teach the girls the finer points of baseball.  

In “Lucy and the Winter Sports” (TLS S3;E3) in 1964, Mr. Mooney attempts to teach Mrs. Carmichael how to ski without ever leaving the living room. Needless to say, the results are equally disastrous. 

This is not the last time Mr. Wood (played by Hans Conried) will teach Liz an outdoor sport in her own living room. In June 1950 Conried returns to the series to play Mr. Wood, who teaches Liz to swim - without ever getting wet! 

Mr. Wood’s frantic lesson turns into a loosely familiar version of the famous “Who’s On First” comedy routine perfected by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello. 

LIZ: “Who’s on third?” MR. WOOD: “Abbott and Costello!”

Although the routine had been around in different forms since vaudeville, Abbott and Costello first put their baseball spin on the routine in 1938. In 1999, Time Magazine named the routine Best Comedy Sketch of the 20th Century.  In 1945, Lucille Ball played herself in their movie Abbott and Costello in Hollywood. 

Mr. Wood gives up on his coaching, but Liz reveals that she’s already signed them up for the game!  

A bank outing will also be the subject of “Lucy and Clint Walker” (TLS S2;E24) in 1966. Lucy and Clint win the balloon race, but baseball is not on the agenda. The day of the Bank Outing, Liz and Iris are enjoying hot dogs. Iris orders a second hot dog with pickle, mustard, chili sauce, ketchup, lettuce, butter, salt, pepper, and a dash of horseradish!  

RUDY: “Iris, at least give the hot dog a fighting chance.”

Iris’s voracious appetite is a character trait that was later ascribed to Ethel Mertz. Baseball and hot dogs are classic Americana. The two were combined when Lucy Ricardo pretends to be a hot dog vendor to get a message to Bob Hope at Yankee Stadium in the “I Love Lucy” season six opener.   

George has worn his old college baseball uniform. Mr. Wood is acting as umpire. George’s strategy is to keep Liz on the bench till the team gets in a tight spot. 

RUDY: “Iris is up first. Has anyone seen the old bat? Oh, there it is on the ground.”

Miraculously, Iris hits a ball out of the park!  Shocked, she doesn’t run the bases.

Later, the score is ten to nothing with the Cooper side down but when the score quickly ties and Liz is still on the bench. At batting practice, George accidentally hits himself in the head with a bat!  George passes out and Liz is up at bat!  Liz starts out facing the catcher!  With two strikes, Liz hits the ball! 

Later, George revives and Liz tells him that they won by one run - made by her! Rudy reveals that they won by default when Liz got hit by the ball, forcing the runner at third to walk home and win the game!  

MORE BALL AT BAT!

In addition to the episodes cited above, Lucille Ball also suited up in 1963′s “Lucy and Viv Play Softball” (TLS S2;E3).  

Lucy Carmichael’s son got to meet Jimmy Pearsall of the Los Angeles Angels in the very first episode of “The Lucy Show” to take place in California. 

In real life, Lucille Ball batted for Wildcat on the Broadway Show League in 1961. Julie Andrews of Camelot was catcher, and Joe E. Brown was umpire! 

The year before this episode of “My Favorite Husband” aired (1948), the great Babe Ruth signed a game-used baseball that was then also signed by Lucille Ball and Rod Carew. 

Batting practice for Kathleen (Lucille Ball) in The Dark Corner (1946). 

Putting her Best Foot Forward for a pitch in 1943. 

Like mother, like daughter! In 2011, the New York Yankees invited Lucie Arnaz to throw out the first pitch to mark Latin Heritage Month.  

[hptriadfest]

Anonymous Master List

Title: Those That Move <- Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Ronald Weasley/Viktor Krum

Summary: “All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.” - Benjamin Franklin.

How Ron and Hermione decide to figure out what they really want, how they come to realize that it is Viktor, and how all of them choose to move.

~*~

Title: In The Dying Light <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Harry Potter x Ginny Weasley x Tom Riddle/Voldemort

Summary:

Six years after Dumbledore died, Harry appears to defeat Lord Voldemort but everyone flees the battlefield in the wake of a magical storm. In the depths of the nights which follow, someone unexpected arrives at the door of Harry and Ginny’s safe house in Godric’s Hollow.

~*~

Title: NEVER ENOUGH <- Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Blaise Zabini

Summary:

Established couple woos a third party for a one-night stand. However, it’s not that simple, and nothing is what it seems.

~*~

Title: The good things in life <- Clicky

Rating: General Audiences

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Severus Snape

Summary:

Severus reflects on his life since two witches came into it.

~*~

Title: Yes, My Loves <- Clicky

Rating: General Audiences

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Severus Snape

Summary:

For years he served an evil bastard, and now he only wants to serve his women.

~*~

Title: Three To Be Free <- Clicky

Rating: Teen and Up

Thruple: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/James Potter

Summary:

With his wife dead and a toddler in his arms, James Potter shows up on the Black-Lupin doorstep.

~*~

Title: One Of Our Own <- Clicky

Rating: Teen and Up

Thruple: Ginny Weasley/Astoria Greengrass/Luna Lovegood

Summary:

Five years after the war, Astoria asks her wives about having a child of their own.

~*~ 

Title:  The Sweetest Question <- Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott

Summary:

After a bad day at work, Hermione’s Slytherin lovers know exactly how to soothe her anxious mind.

~*~

Title:  Company For The Waiting <- Clicky

Rating: General Audiences

Thruple: Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Summary:

green light the promise of connection and commitment burning impressions, questions, passions

a short exploration of life, death, and love

~*~

Title: Three’s Company <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter/Severus Snape

Summary:

Ready for a change after his divorce from Ginny, Auror Harry Potter accepts a position in America. Discovering his new charges were none other than the living Severus Snape and his housemate Draco Malfoy was only the beginning of the changes in store for Harry.

~*~

Title: Starting Anew <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle/Severus Snape

Summary:

Harry Potter couldn’t accept how the war ended, so he tried again but this time helping Voldemort and changing everything.

~*~

Title: Ron Weasley and the Triad of Support <- Clicky

Rating: Teen

Thruple: Ronald Weasley/Blaise Zabini/Neville Longbottom

Summary:

When Ron stresses over the 10yr school reunion and seeing Hermione for the first time since their disastrous split, his partners take it on their shoulders to cheer him up.

Taking an ansty situation, removing the angst and adding fluff.

~*~

Title: Even Chasers Get The Blues <- Clicky

Rating: Teen

Thruple: Katie Bell/Alicia Spinnet/Angelina Johnson

Summary:

Alicia and Angelina are saying goodbye to Hogwarts after completing their seventh year, but their girlfriend Katie still has one year left. When the dreaded conversation about long-distance relationship woes finally catches up with them, will they be able to all agree on how to navigate it?

~*~

Title: my girl, my girl, my girl <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Luna Lovegood/Pansy Parkinson

Summary:

They all looked quite different and had vastly varying senses of style, but they looked lovely together, all beautiful in their own ways. And the matching necklaces they wore - golden with a star, a sun and a moon pendant respectively - tied it all together.

or Pansy, Luna and Hermione being adorable for 5k words straight

~*~

Title: Before We Say Goodbye <- Clicky

Rating: General

Thruple: Rose Weasley/Polly Chapman/Marisa Thomas (Original Female Character)

Summary:

Rose Weasley, Poly Chapman and Marisa Thomas have one more thing to do before they say goodbye to Hogwarts.

~*~

Title: Harry Potter and the Witches of the House of Ill Repute <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes/Emmeline Vance

Summary:

"One for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."

If by go you mean disrupt all the carefully laid plans in order to be good and kind to someone in need. That's just how they do it.

A story of how three becomes four, and how love is essential, and some very fictionalized accounts of what it might be like to run a sex shop.

~*~

Title: maybe I just wanna be yours <- Clicky

Rating: Teen and up

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Harry Potter/Ron Weasley

Summary:

Harry’s always had a place in Ron and Hermione's bed. He’s the only one of them who doesn’t see the spot as permanent.

~*~

Title: Enchanted Encounters <- Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Teddy Lupin/Scorpius Malfoy/James Sirius Potter

Summary:

James decides he wants to go on a road trip with his brother and Teddy, of course Scorpius and Albus’ girlfriend tag along. But also: James is scheming, Scorpius is pinning (and maybe sulking) and Teddy is fighting a losing battle.

It's really just a friends to lovers story with magic (and sex).

(More on the Ao3 Post)

~*~

Title: Love To Give <- Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Harry Potter/Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy

Summary:

Neville and Harry are in a relationship when Draco moves back from Italy and needs a place to stay. Neville never knew how much love he had to give.

~*~

Title: Sealing Their Bond - Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Regulus Black/Hermione Granger/Rabastan LeStrange

Summary: After the Marriage Law spell revealed her two wizards, Hermione had been looking forward to her wedding night. Finally, it was here.

~*~

Title: Stay With Us <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Sirius Black/James Potter/Lily Evans

Summary: A week before the Fidelius Charm will be cast over the Potters' home in Godric's Hollow, Sirius has a suggestion to keep the Potters better hidden, and it's one that does not include Peter Pettigrew.

~*~

Title: The Chasers and their Gold Digger <- Clicky

Rating: Teen and Up

Thruple: Marcus Flint/Hermione Granger/Adrian Pucey

Summary:

Reading the gossip column in the Daily Prophet these days is usually good for a laugh.

~*~

Title: Studious <- Clicky

Creative Medium: Fan Art

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Theodore Nott

Summary: Fanart created for HP Triad!Fest 2020.

Prompt #54 by GaeilgeRua

A group project in Eighth year leads to a new friendship.

~*~

Title: How To Impress Your Muggleborn Lover; Texting Edition <- Clicky

Rating: Teen and Up

Thruple: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy/Pansy Parkinson

Summary:

It has been a couple of months since Hermione had started using positive reinforcement to get her partners to use Muggle technology. So far, it was getting some humorous responses. This month, they had started texting, and Draco was determined not to be beaten by Pansy again.

~*~

Title: Drive Me Wild <- Clicky

Rating: Mature

Thruple: Neville Longbottom/Charlie Weasley/Viktor Krum

Summary:

While on a trip searching for a rare plant, Neville finds himself in the company of two wizards that can help him. How will Neville ever repay them?

Prompt #59

Prompter: GaeilgeRua

~*~

Title: Dining Under Duress <- Clicky

Rating: Explicit

Thruple: Neville Longbottom/Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter

Summary:

Dining under duress was a theme in their lives.

~*~

[bethgreeneishopeunseen]

Genekie: A Familiar, But Missing Romance

In my last big Genekie meta (X), I broke down Genekie’s dynamic, the root of that dynamic, and its similarities to Bethyl. The big ships of the show, as of now, are Gleggie (r.i.p.), Richonne, Bethyl, and Carzekiel. Genekie will probably appear on that line-up next season. Season 8 will cover the All Out War arc, which will bring characters closer, and accelerate relationships already accelerated by the apocalypse. It will be the Season of Love™. @bethgreenewarriorprincess​, @flying–forward, and I (also known as the Genekie Support Group) were discussing Genekie a few weeks ago. Christy and I both agreed that the Genekie hug hit us hard. It was reminiscent of the Bethyl hug from 4x01.

When we watched 7x11, we both felt an immediate shift in Eugene’s character dynamic, and suddenly possibilities had opened up. So many parallels have been made between Abraham and Frankie, in relation to Eugene, for a reason. Eugene was most loyal to Abraham, his protector and friend, and now his loyalty will shift to Frankie. He will become the protector for the woman whom he will fall in love with. We’ve never seen anyone interact with Eugene on that physical-emotional level, just as we’d never seen anyone interact with Daryl like that until Beth. Eugene did hug Abraham in 6x16, but that was because Eugene didn’t know if he would come back. He was going to sacrifice himself so the group could get Maggie to the Hilltop. Frankie initiated the contact, and she is nearly a stranger, and one of Negan’s wives. Not only a Savior, but inappropriate contact with her would carry heavy punishment. And yet Eugene let her hug him, and he didn’t flinch from her touch. He may have grunted when she smiled up at him, but he also had the trace of a smile, as she softened his hard exterior. Overall, Franke is the only person who’s been like that with him.

7x11 was like a dark mirror of 4x01 in certain ways, especially since the Sanctuary has elements of the prison. The Genekie hug is a mirror of the Bethyl hug, born out of wanting to share joy instead of shared grief. 7x11 also mirrors 4x12. Frankie called him “Dr. Eugene” as he set up the experiment, paralleling Beth calling Daryl, “Mr. Dixon.” One born out of interest, the other out of anger. bethgreenewarriorprincess even described Genekie’s experience at the Sanctuary as being “stuck in a ‘suck-ass camp’ together. On another level, Eugene and Frankie are stuck in their own version of the country club.

In the episode commentary, Angela Kang explained that Scott Gimple created a whole backstory for the former inhabitants of the country club (X). The phrase “Welcome to the Dogtrot” referred to the workers who became slaves of the country club members. There was a class struggle. While this Easter egg foreshadowed Beth’s arc at Grady, the egg also alludes to the Saviors, which Grady was a rehearsal for. The country club workers were the people “who ate shit” at Pine Vista.

Frankie represents the “Rich Bitch” at the Sanctuary. She is part of its upper class, and it’s not unreasonable that lower-level Saviors would resent her or write her off for marrying Negan. She chose him, without the need to, unlike Amber, who needed meds for her mother. There is also an element of sexual violence, as Negan rapes wives like Amber through coercion. 

Frankie makes me think of Beth. It takes a strong person to remain so kind, especially in the Sanctuary. And someone who actually really has the will to survive, and to LIVE, to an extent, by becoming a wife. Because even though she’s married to Negan, she lives a pretty good life in terms of comfort and luxury. With that in mind, I also think that Frankie’s belief in the world was compromised a long time ago, hence why she hasn’t left the Sanctuary (yet). She needed to believe that Eugene was a good man, explaining why she appealed specifically to his goodness to help “Amber”. Furthermore, Elyse DuFour mentioned in an interview that Frankie doesn’t really care about anyone except the other wives. They’ve all been hurt by Negan one way or another, and they’re each other’s family. Frankie is the kind of character who doesn’t cry anymore.

As Frankie inspires Eugene to find his courage, he might inspire to find her belief and faith in the world and in people. He’s the good man that she needs in her life.

In summary, Genekie is a dark mirror of Bethyl, had they never gotten out of country club. All of Gimple’s ships go back to Bethyl, the OTP of the show. From a Team Delusional standpoint, so many parallels wouldn’t be showing up unless Bethyl was important to the story and to the writers, specifically Gimple. He is the show runner, and the man responsible for Richonne, Carzekiel, and Genekie. All of those ships parallel each other and parallel Bethyl. 

From a narrative standpoint, Genekie exists to round out the story in terms of romance. In an interview, Elyse mentioned a possible romantic development between Frankie and Eugene (X). The quote always stood as strange to me because it doesn’t make sense for the actress of a tertiary character to think a romance would be possible, with a main character like Eugene, unless it was already there. Elyse probably dropped her comment about a “maybe not, maybe” romantic development because she’s discussed Frankie’s arc with the writers. She seeds the possibility while also keeping said possibility ambiguous. It’s reminiscent of the kind of statements Emily would give about Bethyl (X). Even with all of its parallels to Bethyl, Genekie would still be a fresh storyline for the audience. The relationship would be illicit, because Frankie is married and married to Negan. She could not leave him for Eugene, and so they would be forced to fall in love at a distance, hiding their true feelings. As I mentioned in a past meta (X), Genekie would be darkly ironic as Eugene and Frankie are both professional liars. Eugene lied about the cure and being a scientist, while Frankie lies about her feelings for Negan. They live their lies, and if they fall in love, then they would have to lie to protect the other. Cue the angst. The show has never done a forbidden romance, as the apocalypse kind of wipes out the reasons for something to be “forbidden”. When society falls apart, morals adapt. But Gimple is all about romance tropes, evident by how he has developed his other ships:

Bethyl: The Love That Defies the Odds, That Defies Death, and is the Damn Romance Novel. Hades/Persephone, Beauty and the Beast, the Princess and her Knight.

Richonne: The Couple That Slays Together Stays Together, Freyja/Frigga and Odr/Odin. (X)

Carzekiel: the King and his Queen, through a Hades/Persephone lens.

Gleggie: Star-crossed lovers. Because even though their relationships is from the comics, I just know that Gimple added the line “Maggie I’ll find you”. That bit is not in the comics, and that scene was pretty much directly ripped from the comics. It was added for a reason, and I think it’s because Gimple isn’t a fucking pseudo-intellectual nihilist like Kirkman. Odysseus/Penelope. (X)

That leaves Genekie. Forbidden love goes back to Greek mythology, in Western culture. The most notable story is that of Pyramus and Thisbe (X). They were a partial inspiration for Romeo and Juliet. In the myth, Pyramus and Thisbe live next door to each other, but they were forbidden to see each other let alone to marry. The couple made it work by speaking through a hole in their garden walls. Eventually they planned to run away together and were to meet at a tomb. Thisbe got to the tomb first, but she had to hide from a lioness, and she dropped her shawl in the process. The lioness, who just had killed an animal, nuzzled her shawl, bloodying it. Pyramus saw the shawl and thought the blood was Thisbe’s. He killed himself. When Thisbe saw what happened, she killed herself too.

Forbidden love stories include Romeo and Juliet (of course), Cleopatra and Mark Anthony, Anna Karenina, Tristan and Isolde. The list goes on, in fiction and in history. Genekie will balance out the relationships on the show, as they will be a different kind of power couple. They will be more like Bethyl, because Richonne and Carzekiel are more of the standard form of power couple. Genekie will be a story of two very different people completing each other, body and mind coming together, akin to the famous Leonard and Penny relationship from The Big Bang Theory. And knowing Gimple, he will find a way to incorporate mythical/archetypal traits into Genekie. I bet he will use Aphrodite and Hephaestus. 

For those unfamiliar with Greek mythology, Aphrodite is the goddess of love and beauty and sex. She was born from sea foam, and Zeus married her to his son Hephaestus. Hephaestus was thrown from Mount Olympus when he was born, usually by his mother, due to his ugliness. The fall crippled one of his legs. Still, Hephaestus became a great engineer and the god of fire. Neither party loved the other, and Aphrodite was known for her affairs, most famously her affair with Ares, the god of war. If Gimple reverses the story, Frankie as Aphrodite would be married to Ares (Negan) and would fall in love with an awkward, unconventionally-attractive engineer. If you need further proof of this possibility, please also read this amazing piece on how Aphrodite and Hephaestus could be written as a love story: X.

Gimple is telling a modern epic, and he taps into our cultural, literary roots to codify his story. It is a fresh take on an age-old story of good versus evil, in which hope wars with fear and in which love conquers even the most insurmountable odds.