#after i finish yet another giraffe for the kiddo

[blueskiesagain]

Kuchi Kopi and Mizuchi! From Louise Belcher's collection of toys

[homoose]

Teach Me Something I Don’t Know: Part I

Summary: When Will asks him to pick Michael up from school, Spencer may or may not develop a schoolboy crush on the kindergarten teacher.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!reader

Category: fluff

Warnings/Includes: none

Word count: 2.5k

a/n: Here she is! I’m not sure exactly what it is about Spencer Reid x teacher!reader, but it is my most requested fic topic, and I am happy to oblige! This is the first in a multi-part series. Weird is Good also takes place in this verse. Any teacher!reader requests will be folded into this verse as well, so feel free to continue sending me those!

Series Masterlist

Click here for the story mentioned, read by everybody’s fave Michelle Obama.

———

“A strong geographical profile is one of the most important pieces of the overall behavioral profile; it significantly narrows the area the team has to cover, allows for law enforcement teams to prioritize and maximize limited resources, and helps focus the investigation in conjunction with the other elements of the profile. And that wraps our section on building geographical profiles!” Spencer smiled at the faces in front of him, gesturing to the board. “The information we covered today will make up a significant portion of your midterm, so make sure to review it before next week. See you all next Thursday!”

As his students began packing up their things, Spencer’s phone rang from inside his bag. When he retrieved the phone and saw Will’s name on the caller ID, his brow furrowed in concern. “Will— everything ok?”

“Hey, yeah, yeah, everything’s fine,” he assured him. “I’m sorry to ask, but JJ’s on a case, and my partner and I just finished our last call clear on the other side of the city. Henry’s got soccer practice, but Michael’s gotta be picked up in about— well, shit, right about now. Would you mind picking him up and bringing him ‘round to the house?”

Spencer looped the strap of his bag over his shoulder and started up the aisle out of the lecture hall. “Yeah, of course! It’s over by the Naval Observatory, right?”

“Yeah, that’s the one. If you pull ‘round the parking lot, they usually come out the side door. His teacher’s real sweet, Ms. Y/L/N. I’ll let her know you’re picking him up.”

“Okay, sounds good.” Spencer pushed open the door and made his way down the hall.

“You’re the best,” Will drawled. “I’ll only be about half an hour.”

…

When Spencer pulled the baby blue Volvo into the parking lot of the school, he saw Michael and Ms. Y/L/N sitting on the steps of school. Their heads were so close they were almost touching, looking down at a book laying across their laps. Her legs were stretched out straight and she pointed down to the page, saying something that made Michael throw his little head back in a laugh that floated in through the open window of the car. Spencer grinned at the familiar sound as he pulled around the carpool loop.

When he recovered from the giggles, Michael caught sight of the car and waved his hand excitedly at Spencer. Ms. Y/L/N looked up and gave a wave as well, albeit a little less vigorous. She closed the book and turned her torso slightly to unzip Michael’s backpack and drop the book into it.

Spencer put the car in park, stepped out, and walked around the car to meet the two of them. Michael was already up and running, throwing himself at Spencer’s legs and hugging them tightly. He leaned down to return the hug. “Hey, buddy! How was school?”

“It was amazing,” Michael gushed, pulling out of the hug to gesture wildly. “We learned how to write the zzz sound, and now we know all the sounds! Oh, and then we used blocks in math, and that was so fun, because Ms. Y/L/N let us build with them when we were done counting. Oh, and then we learned about frogs, and they are so cool. Did you know that frogs have night vision? Oh, and Ms. Y/L/N said I could borrow my favorite book from the classroom library! She read it to me already while we were waiting for you, but maybe you could read it to me, too? I can read some of the words but not all of them yet, so I still need some help.”

Spencer smiled widely at him. “Wow, that does sound like an amazing day. I did know that about frogs, actually! And of course, I’d love to read with you.”

“The book’s called Giraffe Problems, and it’s about this giraffe named Edward who doesn’t like his neck.” Michael looked at Ms. Y/L/N. “What’s the turtle’s name again?”

“Cyrus,” Ms. Y/L/N reminded him.

“Right, Cyrus.” He looked at Spencer. “See, that one is tricky because c’s don’t usually make the sss sound, but sometimes they do. Ms. Y/L/N’s teaching me about it, even though she said it’s kinda hard for kindergarten.”

“Because you’ve got a big, powerful brain, right?” she said, tapping her temple and winking at Michael. “I’m Ms. Y/L/N, by the way. You must be the infamous uncle Spencer. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Then she smiled at him and his big, powerful brain melted inside of his skull.

Michael continued talking, and Spencer briefly wondered if this is how people felt when he rambled. Michael lost his attention immediately, because all he could do was stare at Ms. Y/L/N. Her eyes glinted with humor as he chattered on. She followed his expressive motions with well-timed nods and mhmms, a skill she’d no doubt honed through years of indulging kindergarten babbling. She met Spencer’s eyes every so often, only a slight eyebrow raise indicating her amusement. Her hair had been tied back, but soft pieces had come loose throughout the day, falling into her face and around her shoulders. Up close, he could see that the print of her collared a-line dress was hundreds of green frogs. On her feet were a pair of beat up, low top converse, and Spencer thought he could physically feel the crush branding the chambers of his heart. He was jolted out of his thoughts by Michael’s hand tugging on his pant leg, and he looked down to see him looking up expectantly.

“Sorry, what?” Spencer asked him.

“I said,” Michael repeated with a sigh, “can we look up the author and see if he has any other books?”

“Oh, um, yeah. Of course, buddy.”

“Jory John has lots of amazing books,” Ms. Y/L/N confirmed. “You’ll love the series he wrote with Pete Oswald.” She smiled at the pair of them before checking her watch. “I’ve gotta go pack up, but I’ll see you tomorrow, Michael.” She winked at Spencer, and he almost swallowed his tongue. “It was nice meeting you, uncle Spencer.” She waved again and then turned up the stairs to disappear into the building.

Spencer let out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding, and then turned to Michael. “Well. All right, are you ready to go home?”

…

They were settled into the car and halfway home before Michael finally needed to take a breath. Spencer capitalized on the break in conversation.

“So, Ms. Y/L/N seems pretty cool,” Spencer hedged.

“Yeah, she’s the best,” Michael confirmed with a nod. “On Fridays she lets us put on the smocks and paint. And she has really good story voices. Oh, and she also has these really cool blocks that stick together—magnet blocks. And when I fell off the jungle gym and got a big scrape, she gave me a Paw Patrol bandaid! And she gives great hugs.”

“Good story voices, huh?” Spencer met Michael’s eyes in the rearview mirror. “Better than mine?”

Michael tilted his head in deep thought. “Hmmmm. It’s pretty close. Your wizard voice is good, but she does accents.”

Spencer blew out a dramatic breath. “Guess I’m going to have to up my game.”

“You’re gonna have to practice a lot, because Ms. Y/L/N reads to us every day.” Michael raised his eyebrows in a challenge.

“Hey!” Spencer looked incredulous. “I read every day, too!”

“Yeah, but do you read with story voices every day?” Michael clarified.

Spencer sighed. “Well, I guess not.”

“It’s okay, uncle Spencer,” Michael soothed. “You can’t be the best at everything.”

“So they are better than mine?”

Michael pressed his lips together, and Spencer almost laughed at how much he looked like JJ. “... maybe.”

…

A trail of shoes and school supplies led to the couch, where Spencer and Michael sat shoulder to shoulder. They were on their second read of Giraffe Problems. Spencer took a long, dramatic breath before launching into Cyrus’ banana speech, and Michael burst into a fit of giggles. With his best theatrical voice, Spencer read down the page. “Yet, day after day, I’ve felt like such a fool as I stretched my neck toward those greedy branches, only to be limited by my own physical shortcomings.” He flipped the page and changed his tone. “You… want a banana from a tree?” He looked at Michael and said, quickly and in a low voice, “That’s what I said, yes.” Michael wheezed out another laugh.

Spencer finished the story, Michael mouthing the words along with him. When they reached the last page, Spencer softly closed the book and propped his feet up on the coffee table. “That’s a pretty great story.”

“Yeah,” Michael agreed. “Ms. Y/L/N said she likes it because it reminds us that we gotta love ourselves and our bodies for how they are.”

Spencer nodded. “Absolutely. We’re all different, and that’s what makes us special.”

“Yeah. I just really like when he’s wearing all the scarves.” Michael burst into another fit of laughter, and Spencer couldn’t help but laugh with him.

The front door opened, and Will was smiling as he stepped over the threshold. “I could hear y’all laughing all the way down the sidewalk.”

“Daddy!” Michael jumped up from the couch, and Will bent to scoop him up, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“Hey, kiddo. Sorry I couldn’t pick you up. It sure sounds like you and uncle Spencer had fun, though.” He shot Spencer a wide smile.

“We read Giraffe Problems. Can we read it again later?” Michael asked.

“Sure thing. We can read it before bedtime.” Will set him down, furrowing his brow. “Wait, Giraffe Problems? Is that a new one?”

Michael shook his head. “Ms. Y/L/N let me borrow it from the library. I have to give it back in two weeks.”

“Man, Michael, you really lucked out, huh?” Will posited. “Ms. Y/L/N is so good to you.”

“Jeez, everybody’s saying that today,” Michael sighed. “Yes, Ms. Y/L/N is amazing, we all know this.”

“All right, sass monster. I didn’t know uncle Spencer thought she was amazing, too.” Will grinned. “We gotta go pick up Henry in a few minutes. I’ll get you a snack, and you can pick up your things?” He gestured to the mess of shoes and school supplies in the foyer.

Spencer smiled sheepishly. “That’s probably my fault. We were just so excited to read the book.”

“Ah yeah, I know how he gets.” Will crossed to the kitchen. “A one track mind, that one. Thanks again for picking him up today.”

Spencer stood from the couch and followed, hands stuffed in his pockets. “It’s no problem at all! I can do it any time.”

“Well, I don’t want to bother y—”

“It’s not a bother!” Spencer schooled his voice back into a normal register at Will’s raised eyebrow. “It—It’s not a bother at all. I, um— I have a lot of free time when I’m on sabbatical. Especially since I’m only teaching one course this semester. Plus, I love seeing the boys.”

“I’ll remember that.” Will smiled. “So… Ms. Y/L/N’s amazing, huh?”

Spencer just knew that his cheeks were as red as the apple Will was cutting up. He tried to shrug nonchalantly. “Yeah, she was— she was really nice.”

“She’s not bad looking, either,” Will supplied. When Spencer’s mouth fell open, Will continued, “What? JJ thinks so, too. Don’t tell me you didn’t even look, because I know that’s a lie.”

Spencer sputtered, “I— well, I—”

“Daddy, can we get an ice-cream on the way home?” Michael interrupted, completely unfazed.

Will laughed. “Saved by the bell, uncle Spencer. Yeah, buddy, we can get ice-cream.”

…

“It’s not weird to look her up. I just want to know more about the person who’s educating my godson,” Spencer tried to reassure himself as he pulled up the school’s website. He scrolled to find the teacher pages, a little smile crossing his face when he saw Ms. Y/L/N’s picture— white ruffled shirt, red bow, and black hat. A perfect tribute to Mary Poppins.

He dropped his smile. “She barely said five sentences to you, and you didn’t say anything back.” His eyes wandered over the links on the side, landing on the About Me section. “But she did say she’d heard a lot about you, so it’s only fair that you get to know a little about her.” Against his better judgment, he clicked the page link. A photo of Ms. Y/L/N— grinning and holding a very distraught-looking black cat— popped up on the screen, and Spencer laughed aloud.

I grew up on a farm outside of Fayetteville, NC before moving to Boston to complete my undergraduate degree. I moved to DC to earn my Master’s in Early Childhood Education, and I have been teaching here for 8 years! I love working with young learners, because children grow so much in their foundational years. Watching a child have a lightbulb moment is one of my greatest joys. When I'm not in the classroom, I love to read, travel, play scrabble, and spend time with my cat Roald (pronounced Roo-all)!

Spencer scrolled through the pictures of Ms. Y/L/N and her students. There were pictures in their “smocks,” which Spencer discovered were really just old t-shirts. There was one of her in the middle of some very animated story telling, and another of a field trip to the zoo. In each one, the smiles beamed out through the computer screen in a digital portrait of unbridled joy, contagious even over the waves of the internet. Smiling to himself, he clicked on the tab labeled Teaching Philosophy.

I believe that every child is an extraordinary and essential piece of our classroom puzzle. In order to nurture the unique individuality of each of my students, I work hard to make our classroom a safe, positive, and supportive community where students are given the space to express themselves. Our classroom culture is also one of kindness and creativity, where each individual is valued and celebrated for who they are!

Spencer swallowed the unexpected lump in his throat as he thought back on his own school career. While his teachers had always appreciated his intelligence, he honestly couldn’t recall a moment where he had felt valued for just… being himself. The majority of his time in school had been spent unsuccessfully fending off bullies, completing other students’ homework, or being gawked at like some sort of alien. He was grateful that Michael would hopefully never go through anything like what he’d experienced; at least not while Ms. Y/L/N was around.

His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he leaned back in the desk chair to pull it out. He swiped it open to read the incoming text.

JJ: So......... you like Ms. Y/L/N, huh? 😉😉😉

Spencer: What?! Did Will tell you that? I didn’t say that.

JJ: Some things you don’t have to say out loud, Spence.

———

Tags: @spacedikut

[chidoroki]

TPN - “Dreams Come True”

What better way to cheer up the TPN fandom after the second season’s final episode than with the special exhibition chapter finally being fully translated. I caught glimpses of a few pages here and there over the past couple months but seeing all the children live happily together in the human world in their own little village that they made close to Emma and Alex warms my heart. Of course I would’ve loved if we got to see more of the GP Resistance (because the anime denied us of them) but following the GF kids around the world as they experience their dreams is fair enough. We started the series alongside them so might as well finish strong with them too. I really loved seeing everyone grow up but no matter how old they get or how much time passes, I’ll probably never get used to seeing Emma without her iconic “63194.” It’s a bittersweet feeling for me, but her smiles bring me so much joy and I’m beyond happy that she accepted everyone into her life as they accepted her without her memories.

I haven’t a clue on how much time passed since everyone found Emma in ch181 to now, but seeing her call out everyone’s names is a little detail that I love so much considering she had no idea who anyone was at first. Trying to remember 60+ names doesn’t seem like an easy task to me. No doubt I was just as shocked as our girl upon learning these mere children bought a goddamn plane! We learn in a couple pages that it’s because of Norman’s company that they can afford it, but still, he’s like 15 or 16 now? He’s still a child! And I’m impressed! Not only at him, but that Oliver and Violet became pilots as well! It’s especially cute when you remember that Lucas gave Oliver a little toy plane during their time at Goldy Pond.

Speaking of GP, is it just me or does Emma’s current outfit resemble her GP one just a little bit? Sure we have no idea what color scheme this one has but come on, the short jacket, the dark shirt and jeans.. just imagine it! Jemima, Yvette, Alicia and Mark remade Gillian’s original GP outfit sometime before the Grace Field Raid arc (ch137 extra page) so I don’t doubt they could’ve done the same for Emma. Of course that’s just me being completely hopeful and missing the Goldy Pond arc to death but yeah! I’m also so happy to see Chris up and moving again! Seeing him wake up briefly in ch181 was nice but this is so much better. I imagine he and Emma have a lot to catch up on in terms of stories, with him being unconscious since ch105 and Emma not remembering anything.

But here we go, the original 15 escapees plus Norman, Phil, Sherry, I believe I saw Carol somewhere and a couple other random kiddos ready to see the entire world. They get to accomplish so much.. and in a single day too I believe? At least that’s what Phil and Alicia say a bit later about everyone’s wishes, but aahh what a lucky bunch. Hell, I’ll say we’re lucky readers too to be able to see such a great story. Can’t thank Shirai and Demizu enough y’all. I wish we got to see more of Alex though. He’s such a kind soul but I’m sure he’ll be just fine staying behind with everyone else.

This entire page where we learn about Norman as a CEO is gold. I still can’t believe this child successfully built up an entire multipurpose company not only to help their search for Emma but also because he didn’t want to live off the Ratri clan. I wish I knew about this last week when writing out Norman’s birthday post because hell yeah this deserves some praise! AND he managed to graduate school as well during all that! Well, by skipping grades which totally makes sense. I mean, if he managed to pass all the Grace Field and Lambda tests effortlessly I’m sure normal human world school was a piece of cake for him. Holy shit dude, keep on impressing me why don’t ya. Not only him but Nigel and Sonya too! I’m not surprised that Vincent helped out but I’m glad those two got a tiny moment to shine as well! Ray is another obvious choice when it comes to helping Norman, as they’re best friends and he’s always been good with machines.. but boy, I can’t take you seriously when you’re just sitting there unamused and eating chips! Hahah I love him so much! And the fact he replies to Norman’s idea with just a simple “kay” is an eternal mood.

Okay boys aside, can we talk about our fabulous girls now? Because oh my god, they’re so darn beautiful! They’re more fashionable than I’ll ever be and it’s so cute how they drag Emma along to take advantage of the 3-for-1 deal. But our girl pulls off that sporty look so well! (r.i.p. goldy pond outfit ver2.0). I’m not at all surprised that Nat wanted to go see the opera. That's perfect for him and I’d like to think the anime did something similar with that one shot we see of him in the human world. We don’t see him in a theater like this but to me it looks like he’s on the streets of Broadway? At least that’s the vibe I get from it. I’m sure there was something music related on one of those signs.

I can’t get over how adorable all the children look and how happy they are fulfilling their wishes, even if some of them aren’t as extravagant as others. Like eating a fluffy pancake and a ton of ice cream? We can do that whenever we want. But for these kids, it means everything and they absolutely deserve to experience such simple joys like that after all the harsh nonsense they’ve been through. I also love how Ray continues to be such a great older brother by still looking out for them too. The fact he remains completely unfazed by the haunted house is perfect. This boy has been haunted by his own nightmares and demons his entire life, there’s no way a couple of lousy jump scares are gonna spook him. Though I do find it funny that Alicia and Rossi still manage to get scared while Yvette is having the time of her life. I can’t help but laugh at Thoma’s “Shirai face” as well.

I find it interesting that out of all the different kinds of exhibits they could’ve shown us while Rossi visits a museum, they give us dinosaurs.. like that seems so silly to me. Y’all have seen several demons in your young lives already and yet dinosaurs manage to amaze you too? God these kids are precious. And then our boy Phil finally gets to see and ride a train! Just look how happy he is! The poor kid can’t even sit still he’s so darn excited and I can’t help but smile with him! Thankfully the anime showed us this too.

We eventually get to Ray’s wish and guys.. oh my fucking god. Tell me that this is not the absolute best and prettiest smile we get to see from him!! It honestly leaves me speechless okay? Ray never imagined he would ever get to see the outside world, let alone live past the age of 12, and yet here he is, seeing such a beautiful sight such as this, right in front of him instead of from inside a book. You can’t believe how happy and proud of him I am right now. Did you see how ecstatic I was when the anime kept Isabella alive? Multiply that feeling by ten and there ya go. That’s my level of happiness upon seeing my favorite boy smile like THAT! AAHHH!! That panel is gonna live rent free in my head until the end of time. I can’t get over how damn perfect it is. His smile is so pure and how he looks like he’s in complete awe is beautiful. He’s about to burst into tears and I swear I might do the same because I’m making myself emotional over this fantastic boy. Someone hold me.

No seriously, hold me because we’re about to get into some angst as we move onto to Emma’s wish. We all know that ever since 2039 her one dream was to ride a giraffe once they got outside, so here we are, about ten years later and the animals in question are within reach. Our girl should be totally excited, right? Ha, not quite.

That wish was something the old Emma wanted, but since demon god had to be such a bastard, this Emma doesn’t know what to think, let alone what to even feel. She hasn’t experienced the same hardships as her family. She hasn’t gone through hell and back while holding onto that one wish that would make all the suffering worth it. The amount of joy everyone else felt upon living out their dreams, she wonders if she would be able to feel it too.

They brought her here to make her happy, but is this truly want she wants as well? This is old Emma’s wish after all. What about her and what she wants? Could this wish make her just as happy as her old self? She knows her family is only trying to help, but seeing her doubt herself does a number on my heart. Even without her memories, she’s still the same Emma deep down, as she doesn’t want to disappoint her family. She spends so much time worrying about living up to her family’s expectations, to try and be that Emma they all love so dearly.

Little does she know that she acts the exact same as usual, almost as if nothing has changed when she finally expresses how much she wants to ride a giraffe. And that’s great considering when they first arrived at the giraffes, no on had even mentioned riding them. She came across that feeling all on her own and everyone else can’t help but laugh and feel relieved. Her mind may have forgotten but her heart remembers everything. There is no “old Emma” and “new Emma” to her family, just “Emma” and words can’t express how wholesome that is because they love her regardless. All that matters to them is Emma’s happiness because if anyone deserves to feel and experience that, it’s her.

I just made myself tear up, damn it. I started this series with season one okay? I heard about this precious girl’s dream within the first minute of the first episode and here I am, a little bit over two years later, finally reading about it coming true and seeing that bright as hell smile on her face. Do you know how amazing it is to come full circle like that? My heart feels so full right now. I’m beyond proud of her and love her to death. Say what you want but I believe this to be the true manga ending in my eyes.

(damn this series for always getting me emotional)

[wavemaker9]

i’m late again for Day 3: Childhood but in my defense i think i rewrote this about 10 times since this afternoon before settling on a direction to roll with it. 

Title: A Big Kid Characters: Australia(Kyle), Belgium(Camille)

Camille picks up a set of hats, lifting each up to look over before lowering it and returning her attention back to the other one. There are a lot of noises, people talking, kids shouting, babies laughing and crying, and she wishes for a bit more silence to make her attempt at comparing easier, but it’s been no different at any other time during the day in this zoo, so why should she be surprised now?

“What do you thin-?” she starts to ask, turning to look to Kyle over her shoulder, but stopping and raising an eyebrow when he sharply sucks his tongue back into his mouth and drops his hands to his sides, flashing a bright grin at her. “What… what were you doing?”

He shrugs and shakes his head, waving off the question with a simple. “Nothing; don’t worry ‘bout it. What did you need?” He leans in a bit to look at what’s in her hands. “The hats?”

She nods, holding them up slightly for him to see better. “I like the pinkish red color more and the bear on it is cute, but the blue has the most adorable penguin on it and I don’t know which to get.”

Kyle glances up and over her shoulder, trying to hide a grin, before his eyes fall back on her face. “Get ‘im both. I’ll buy, but who gives a shit? If you like ‘em, get ‘em.” He shrugs carelessly, turning to look at the hats himself, picking up a gray one with an alligator on it, but putting it back after a moment. His eyes skim the options again, then up, over, and back to Cami. “Though, I’m kinda surprised you wouldn’t want that purple one with the big cat over there.” She follows the direction of his hand as he gestures to the next rack over, where a hat matching the description sits on the shelf. It’s the only one of its kind there, the only hat at all sitting there, so it looks more like it was set there by another person in the gift shop who decided against it last minute.

“Oh, that one’s so cute! Hold on!” She turns and starts to set the other two hats down, before stopping and considering them again. After a moment, she declares, “I’m getting these, too,” and turns to hand them over for Kyle to hold. However, she stops again when she catches him swiftly turning his attention back to her. She could have sworn she saw his eyes crossed, his cheeks puffed out, but he just grins at her like there’s nothing wrong.

She thins her eyes at him, but says nothing, instead finishing handing the items over and then rushing back to the stray hat. She tries it on her head, finding a mirror nearby to see how it looks, and the brightest smile falls to her face when it seems perfect. She glances in the reflection to where Kyle stands, planning to tell him she’s going to buy this one, too, but frowns when she sees he’s got his hands, still holding the hats, up by his face, waving them around while making a goofy expression. She spins on the spot, frowning at the other. “Kyle, are you making faces behind my back?”

He looks back to her, surprised, but still not really seeming guilty. He processed her words, then grins and shrugs. “Kin-da? Behind your back, but not at you,” he offers, before gesturing for her to come stand to his side. “C’mere.”

She listens, moving to where he gestures and then turning back in the direction he’s facing. Immediately she sees what he was doing, spotting a baby held to their parent’s chest, face just popping up over a shoulder.

“Watch this,” Kyle says to her, before looking at the tot for a moment and then striking a dumb face, eyes crossing and tongue sticking out. It takes a second, but the baby babbles out a bout of laughter once it recognizes the silly look. Kyle rights his expression, spares a quick, “They love it,” before making another strange face for the baby to giggle at again.

Camille playfully bats at his arm, a scolding gesture in name only. “You big kid,” she teases, before reaching to pull the hats from his hands and head to the cashier.

He laughs and follows after her, wrapping his arms around her to pull her into a hug, before moving his hands up to grab at her cheeks, tugging to pull them out a bit. “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” he shoots back, before he leans his head forward. His hand moves away just long enough for him to press a kiss to her cheek that then turns into blowing a raspberry against the skin. She squeals in surprise, but scolds him through laughter until he just settles to hug her before letting go.

They turn and start towards the cashier, but Kyle suddenly reaches out, grabbing for Camille’s arm to stop her. She glances to him, confused, but he just nods towards the open door by the checkout counter. There’s a young boy standing nearby the front outside, looking around with a seemingly growing sense of concern. “Kid looks bit too worried, doncha think?” he asks, and Camille looks the boy over for barely a moment before agreeing. “Y’wanna go check out your things? I can go see if he’s alright.”

“Hold on,” she simply says in response, pulling her arm free and lifting the hand to show a single finger to the southern Nation. She crosses to the counter, sparing just a couple moments to ask the cashier to hold their items for a moment, please. The request is accepted easily, and Camille turns back to Kyle with a smile and a nod in the door’s direction. She starts out and he sets into a light jog to catch up, pressing another quick kiss to her cheek and complimenting her on the idea.

Camille’s pretty confident about her ability to handle children. It’s all about being sweet and tender, striving to be understanding and caring. She can be firm when needed, but it’s important to start out gently and with a big smile. Kyle gets one of those right.

Just as they approach the kid, as she opens her mouth to speak up and ask if the young boy is alright, Kyle steps up next to the kid, grinning widely and nudging the boy’s shoulder with his elbow to get his attention. “Oi, look like you’re looking for something. Need any help?” He glances around, checking for any obvious signs in the area of where the kid should actually be, but he can’t see anything. “Lost mum or something?”

The kid shows an uncertain frown up at him, before admitting, “No, uh- I kinda lost my class. The tour guide fella was talking to us ‘bout some of the monkeys and… I was worried I wouldn’t get to see the giraffes before we had to go-.”

Kyle laughs, reaching out to lightly pat the kid on the back. “But now ya can’t find your way back. Ha, I know how that feels. I was kinda a troublemaker as a kid m’self. Ran out on more lessons from my teachers than I attended.”

The boy’s expression seems to brighten a bit at the story of solidarity. “Really?”

“Oh yeah, fuc-.” Camille elbows Kyle hard, making him jump slightly and yelp. The young boy laughs, but the young nation looks at her, startled and confused. “What?” he starts to ask, before shaking his head and continuing. “Heaps’a times, though. I got punished so much as a kid for skipping out on lectures. Which like, if they wanted me to stay, they shoulda made it interesting, but-.” He feels the elbow hit his side again and nearly stumbles to try sidestepping it. “What!? I didn’t even say ‘fuck’ that time!” he practically hisses out in frustration, before adding, muttered under his breath, “It ain’t even considered swearing anymore. It’s fine.”

The kid is snickering almost uncontrollably now, so Camille waits a moment or so before leaning down slightly to insist that Kyle isn’t implying that’s good behavior to keep doing. “Your teacher knows what you need to know-.”

“Sometimes.”

“Kyle.”

When Camille shoots a look over her shoulder at him, the older Aussie puts his hands up in defense. “Fine, fine,” he mutters before turning back to the kid. “She’s right. Now you just missed out on the monkey info and probably a lotta other cool animal facts, too. And now you’re all worried about missing your ride home and getting in trouble, instead’a just missing the giraffes.”

The kid grumbles but, with a little prompting from both of them, agrees that maybe it was a mistake and he shouldn’t have done it. With that, Kyle drops slightly, crouching in a smooth motion so he’s eye level with the other. “Okay, kiddo, we’re gonna help you get back to your class then. Y’wanna tell me your name? Or any name, really. Can make one up. I ain’t picky,” he adds with a shrug. “‘Less you want me to keep calling you ‘kiddo’ this whole time.”

The boy hesitates, considering the request, before offering up the name ‘Pete’. Both nations can tell in the way the boy gives it that it’s not his actual name, but Kyle accepts it as if it is when he continues speaking. “Right! Pete! Well, I’m Kyle, this is Cami.” He lifts a finger and gestures to a building across the way. “Y’see that building, Pete?”

Pete turns to look, nodding, but then asking what it’s for. Camille is already following Kyle’s logic, recognizing it as well. She explains that’s the building helps with services for visitors, that one of those services should be to put out an announcement that he was separated from his class and needs someone to come get him.

“What?” Pete immediately shoots back in a whine. “But- but if they know I left- Mr. King and Kim’s mum’re gonna be so mad!”

Camille gives a somewhat sympathetic frown, understanding why he would not exactly be thrilled about such a situation, but pointing out, “It’ll be the easiest way to get back with the group, and maybe that way it’ll help remind you why not to try something like this again.”

Kyle seems to shrug, less careless and more understanding, yet accepting. He offers the additional silver lining of, “‘Sides, i mean, we can try to track them down so you can slide back in, but the longer you’re gone, the more you’ll miss and the more likely they’ll notice you’re missing. Plus, this way, you can say you just got split from the group and came to get help finding them right away. Mr. King can’t be too mad about that, can he?”

The kid already seems to know there’s not a better option, but he still makes an exaggerated pout and a large show of resigning to his fate when he starts towards the building. Camille and Kyle both share a look immediately; neither seem to take the reaction with too much weight, both wordlessly just telling the other, ‘Adorable.’

They follow after him, helping him put in the call and acting very shocked when he reveals his name is actually Mike and that Pete is his little brother’s name instead. They wait with him there for his teacher or chaperone to show. Camille isn’t exactly thrilled when the conversation falls back to Kyle telling stories of when he was younger, sneaking away from his own teachers and getting up to all sorts of mischief, but it keeps Pete- now Mike- interested and helps to pass the time. And honestly, it’s not like she doesn’t have a story or two herself of going against the rules as a child. She just thinks it’s not best to brag about them to any current children.

The pair are thanked for helping when someone finally arrives to pick Mike up and bring him back to the rest of the class. More importantly, though, Mike makes sure to hug each of them in thanks, both returning it warmly.

“You be good!” Kyle calls after him as they all exit the building, turning back to Camille as the two groups split. “Nice kid,” he says with an easy smile, before reaching to slide his arm around Camille’s waist as they return to their previous focus.

The northern nation nods, agreeing with the declaration as they start back towards the gift shop. A couple seconds pass before she leans her head against Kyle’s shoulder, noting, “You know, I didn’t realize you were so good with kids.”

Kyle smiles down at her, a little surprised but largely pleased at the compliment. He hides it, though, classic irony slipping into his response instead. “Yeah, helps when you’re still one yourself-.” When he’s told she’s being serious, he counters he is too. “I just talked to him like how I wanted to be talked to at that age. Honestly? I skipped a lotta lessons cause I was bored, yeah, but also cause most of my teachers were kinda dicks. I was this dumb prison colony they were put in charge of keeping out of trouble and trying to ‘civilize’ or whatever. It was on the good days they just treated me like a child.”

Camille frowns, reaching to take Kyle’s hand and squeeze it. He squeezes back, leaning over to kiss the side of her temple, but shrugs off the sympathy of the action, admitting he knows it’s nothing special. That he’s sure her childhood had its own rough points- that pretty much most if not all of their kind has.

“I coulda had it a lot worse, I get that. But I also get how just talking to a kid like they’re just a regular person usually makes them like you more- or how being played along with when you’re younger can bring a smile to even a baby’s face.” Kyle shrugs again, before adding that he’s also had a good deal of practice with different micronations over the years. “I mean,” he adds after another second, “you were good, too. Think it’s just surprising for me ‘cause I ain’t a fucking sweetheart like you. You’re super kind to everyone. Not to mention, ‘course you’d be good at dealing with kids,” Kyle begins, before wrapping the other hand around Camille’s waist again, pulling her close into another hug as he presses his lips to her cheek and blows a raspberry against the skin once more. “You deal with me all the time!”

Camille squeaks in laughter again, rolling in the grip until she can spin around to hug him from behind instead. She rubs her cheek against the back of his shirt, cleaning the spot off. She’s still laughing though when she playfully says, “Stop, you big kid. We gotta buy our stuff!”

Kyle laughs, too, looking back over his shoulder to get the closest he can to having a good look at her. “Y’say that like it’s a bad thing,” he repeats, but seems to agree, starting to walk forward.

He stops when he feels Camille release her hold on him, only to jump up onto tip-toes and wrap her arms around his shoulders instead. Her breath is at his ear for exactly a moment before she counters, “Mmmm, no, I don’t!” She pops her pointer finger into her mouth and then right to his ear before he can react. She breaks out into a fit of snickers when he cries out in surprise, letting go of him with a quick, “Gotcha!” before racing inside the shop.

[greyzipupjacket]

Vaccines (I Blame the Cows)

MORE FUN STEVEN UNIVERSE BC WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE

No pairings, just cute momma-garnet and lil baby Steven

Mentions vaccines so if you’re touchy about that. Light violence -- nothing gore-y, tbh not much worse than the actual show is.

Greg had explained the science behind vaccinations to the gems many times. He was almost always extremely patient when discussing human things with them. Especially when they pertained to the wellbeing of Steven.

Steven was five years old. And it was time for his 5 year old check up! Which just so happened to mean that he had to get a vaccine, a "shot." Just the word had made Garnet nervous. So she had insisted on taking Steven herself. Greg, trusting Garnet's future vision (and desperate for a nap) agreed.

So here Garnet was, holding Stevens tiny hand, and staring at the building. There were only a few outcomes of this trip. In most of them, Steven cried. Garnet couldn't stand that. Hopefully, her intimidating presence would be enough to prevent these "doctors" from hurting him.

Garnet checked them in and went to wait. She could do little but grin as Steven, the little cutie pie, completed farm puzzles and made sure Garnet knew exactly which animal said "quack" and which said "oink." Steven had just finished putting together a 10 piece puzzle of a barn, and was proudly showing Garnet, when they were called back.

"'Ere we go, cutie pie," Garnet smiled, picking Steven up and putting him on the weird paper-covered sofa. Steven wiggled, interested in the crinkle of the paper.

"Thanks Garneh!" The boy smiled brightly, and Garnet ruffled his hair. She sat down in the chair beside him and waiting for the nurse to send in the Doctor.

"There's a lotta waiting at dockers, huh?" Steven mused, kicking his feet.

"Yeah. But tha's okay. We can play one of your li'l' games or-"

"Can we play eye spy?" Steven asked excitedly. "There's so many pickters on the wall."

"Yeah, why no'," Garnet agreed and removed her visor for a moment. "Is i' cheating if I use all three eyes?"

"No, I don' think so," Steven replied, "but I'll go firs', okay?"

"Yeah, go on ahea', Steven," Garnet answered, and tried her best to forget how for every animal he could've chosen, there was a different future. Most of them ended with the boy in tears. "Found one yet?"

"Yeah," Steven grinned, "I spy, with my little eye, something spotted!"

Garnet looked at the mural of some great boat zoo. "Is it a giraffe?"

"Nope!"

"The cheetah, then?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Let's see..." Garnet smiled, "Can you gi' me another hint?"

"It's black and white spotted," Steven grinned, "I know you can do it, Garneh!"

"Awe," Garnet held back a smile. "Well, if you've faith in me li' that, then how can I no'? Le's see now..." She scanned the walls once more. "Is i' a cow?"

"Yeah!" Steven cheered, just as the door to the tiny office opened. "Oh, hi!" Steven smiled to the doctor.

"Hello there," she replied, smiling. She placed a clip board on the counter and offered her hand to Garnet. "You must be his mother."

"Yeah the best one. Innit tha' righ', Steven? You can't tell Pearl, though," Garnet teased, slipping her visor back down and grinning as the little boy laughed.

"Ha ha, yes," the doctor muttered awkwardly. "Well. I'm Doctor Maheswaran, and I'll be performing Steven's check up today. Are you ready for that Steven?" Steven nodded brightly and Garnet's mood darkened lightly at the thought of what today's visit held.

Doctor Maheswaran checked the boy's weight and height, showing Garnet how much he'd grown in the past year. Garnet agreed, but didn't pay much interest to the numbers: in the whole galaxy, only the States used inches, and she hadn't the time to learn how to convert from metric yet.

The doctor checked the child's reflexes while asking Garnet about his past medical history. Garnet remembered the few facts Greg had previously told her of, and she rattled them off dully.

"Well, Steven, it seems that you're growing up perfectly. You just hang on in here and as soon as the nurse gives you your shot, you can go on your way! You did very well!" Doctor Maheswaran praised and Garnet's heart melted at how Steven puffed up in pride. The poor boy hardly even reacted to her mention of the vaccine.

"Wha' do you say, Steven?" Garnet prompted all the same.

"Thank you Docker Mahisswarin."

"You're very welcome. The nurse is just down the hall. He'll be right with you."

It only took a moment for the nurse to replace Doctor Maheswaran in the tiny room. He had with him a cart with needles and vials on it, and started preparing the injection.

"Good afternoon, Steven! You ready for your chicken pox vaccine?"

"Yeah!" Steven replied smiling. It was then that Garnet realized that the child didn't even know what a shot was.

"That's the attitude I like to see!" The nurse smiled, and Garnet felt herself start to panic. He prepped Steven's arm skillfully, a Spider Dude bandaid already half on. "You ready, Steven?"

"Mm-hmm," Steven mumbled and glanced to the injection. "Whatcha gonna draw on me?" He asked, shattering Garnet's heart.

"Oh, I'm not drawing anything on you, kiddo. I'm just going to poke you with this so you won't get chicken pox in the future. It's nothing more than a pinch," the nurse promised. Garnet stood then, and put her hand on Steven's tiny shoulder.

"You sure?" She asked warily, but the nurse replied positively all the same.

"If it's justa pinch, I can take it!" Steven smiled up at Garnet. "Crystal gems can take anything, right, Garneh?"

"You betcha," Garnet replied as convincingly as she could. Steven smiled up at her, and in that moment, the nurse chose to inject the vaccine into Steven's tiny arm.

First, Garnet saw his shock.

Second, she saw his smile fade.

Third, she saw his tears.

Then, all she could see was red.

As Steven whimpered and rubbed his arm, Garnet punched the nurse squarely in the nose, knocking him back against the wall. It was a happy medium (that kept her from becoming unfused) between merely wiping Steven's tears and killing the so-called "medical professional." She calmed herself quickly and picked up her charge.

She made her way to the nearest pharmacy, holding the little boy protectively in her arms. As they walked in, she put a five dollar bill on the counter, and told the cashier over her shoulder "The bar code's 08152289."

She made her way back to the first aid aisle, set Steven on the ground, and ripped open a box of "Crying Breakfast Friends" bandaids.

"Dumb nurse dinnit even know what the best cartoon was," she murmured. Rather than replacing the Spider Dude bandaid with the Crying Egg one, which she saw would only cause him more pain, she placed the Breakfast Friends bandaid over top of the first one. "There." She handed Steven the torn box and picked him back up. "Tha's better."

Steven looked from his new bandaid, back up to Garnet. Quickly, tiny arms were wrapped around the fusion's neck in a hug. "Thank you, Garneh," the little boy smiled brightly. "You're the best."

"Yeah, I know," she winked at him. "Almost as good as you."

Steven giggled at her, "you can't be better than the best!"

"Well, I can't," Garnet replied quietly. "But you already are." She hugged the little boy tightly and he returned it as strongly as his little arms could. "Now, c'mon," Garnet sighed, "le's ge' you home."

Greg received a call from Doctor Maheswaran's office later that evening. After apologizing profusely, he decided that it was just best to choose a new family doctor. And to never again tell Garnet if Steven had a check up.

When he came to pick his son up, though, he couldn't be mad. It took a lot of patience to let a five year old cover you in colorful bandaids, and apparently Garnet had that patience.

Just not with medical personnel.

(Later, when telling Amethyst and Pearl, Garnet would swear that if Steven had picked any other animal than that cow, they would've been in a time line where the nurse hadn't been knocked unconscious. That began a new habit of the fusion's: always blame the cows.)

[popcanspopcans]

The Stands

It was hotter than the ends of a microwaved burrito the day the war ended. But the relationship between neighbors, Jimmy and Mike, was more like the middle of that burrito. Cold and partially frozen.

Jimmy woke that morning to the soothing sounds of Chumbawamba coming from his AM/FM clock radio. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down. The song was being played on his preferred station - GOLD 88.8 and Tubthumping was one of his favorite songs in their rotation.

  His parents never let him listen to 88.8 when they were all together. They often lamented how there wasn’t a station that played music from the 50s and 60s anymore. At least not since GOLD 88.8 changed formats, so they refused to listen to the new GOLD standard that emitted from the airwaves. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down. Jimmy didn’t understand.

He thought the station was perfect and why anyone would listen to music from when his great grandparents were kids was beyond him. To Jimmy, music didn’t get any better than this. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down. “Sing it, Chumbawamba,” Jimmy thought to himself, “Sing it.”

After a much needed stop in the bathroom, Jimmy walked into the kitchen where his father was cleaning the stove and drinking a cup of coffee. “Good morning, Jimmy. How’d you sleep,” he asked.  “Not too bad, dad,” Jimmy replied. “Where’s mom?” “She had to work early this morning and didn’t want to wake you before she went went.” Based on the look on his dad’s face when he said this, Jimmy knew there was a joke somewhere in that line, but he couldn’t figure it out. Going to work early wasn’t funny, waking a sleeping child wasn’t either, so it must be in the repetition of the word “went,” but Jimmy didn’t find it to be humorous at all.

Moving past the terrible dad joke he just heard, Jimmy was reminded that he had no clue what his mom did for a career, he just knew she worked in the tallest building downtown and whatever she did allowed his dad to be, as he often said, “a trophy husband.” Another dad joke that Jimmy didn’t quite get, because his dad looked nothing like the figures on any trophy he ever saw.

“Dad, mind if I turn on the radio to 88.8?” “Sure thing, Jimmy. I was just leaving anyway.” As he walked out of the kitchen he added, “If you have clothes that need washing, bring them down to the laundry room. I have a load of towels in now, but after that it’s nothing but colors as far as the eye can see.”

Now that his dad left the room, Jimmy got up and turned on the radio. I get knocked down. (We’ll be singing.) But I get up again. (Pissing the night away.) You are never gonna keep me down. (When we’re winning.) ”My favorite part,” Jimmy said aloud to the toaster, then echoed, “Pissing the night away.”

Breakfast was his standard: a bowl of Kix and a glass of milk, because a growing boy can’t do better than dairy on dairy when it comes to nutrition. When finished with his breakfast, Jimmy rinsed his glass and bowl, and then added them to the dishwasher half-full of dirty dishes. Once Chumbawamba left the airwaves, the DJ came on to remind him that it was “going to be a scorcher and to keep his animals inside as much as possible.”

Well, Jimmy wasn’t worried about animals, because he didn’t have any pets, at least not since the Guinea Pig calamity from two years back. He often thought about asking his parents for a dog or a cat or something really cool like a giraffe, but he didn’t think it was fair to Buckets and Bruno. He could never replace their love and wasn’t sure he was ready to move on just yet. Jimmy shut the radio off and went to his room to change.

It was Friday, so Jimmy allowed for casual attire. He may be his own boss, but that doesn’t mean he was going to look unpresentable while working. He had an image to uphold, but it was Friday, so instead of the Monday through Thursday khaki shorts and polo, Jimmy opted for jean shorts and a t-shirt that simply said, “Be Nice.”

He didn’t particularly like the shirt, but he figured he’d sweat through it before business really picked up and would need to change eventually, so he reserved his good shirts for when the customers started rolling in and business was booming.

On the way to the garage, Jimmy crossed paths with his dad. “Looking sharp, kiddo, I love that shirt.” “Thanks, dad. It’s going to be a big day.” “Yeah, how do you know?” “Well, dad, it’s hard to explain, so let’s just say, I can feel it in my loins.” Jimmy didn’t know what loins were, but he heard the expression on TV and understood it within the provided context. But none of that mattered; there was business to be done.

The garage door opened with a somewhat unpleasant whir and Jimmy muttered, “Must need some WD-40. I’ll get dad to look at it later.” He went to his corner of the garage and started hauling his supplies to the curb - a folding card table and chair, a cooler for ice, plenty of red SOLO cups, and his well-stenciled sign that read, “Lemonade $2.00, tax included.”

Jimmy’s parents thought $2.00 was a little steep, but Jimmy did his research. He knew that approximately 10 ounces of lemonade in a 16 ounce cup being sold for $2.00 would cover his expenses, plus net him margins that would allow him to go on Shark Tank and easily get the funding needed to expand to other markets, should he have the desire to do so.

With the stand now set up, it was time to bring out his wares. He went back inside and headed straight to the kitchen. He washed his hands, dried them, and then went to the fridge where the lemonade he prepped the night before was waiting. Jimmy liked to leave a few cut up lemons in the pitcher. This served two purposes. Not only did it non-verbally express to his customers that his lemonade was, in fact, homemade, but it also infused a little extra flavor into it. He thought his customers appreciated and deserved that.

It was 10 a.m. when Jimmy had everything ready to go. He quickly sold a few cups to some of his regulars. Mrs. Johnson who was about halfway through her daily run, Cleo, his babysitter, and Old Man Davies, who never missed a chance to greet Mrs. Johnson with a “hate to see you go, but love to watch you leave.” Jimmy once asked his parents what that meant. They both agreed that it was just something creepy pervs like Old Man Davies said and it was best to simply ignore him. After all, he’d probably be dead soon.

  That was a rather bleak outlook on life for Jimmy, but as long as the lemonade was selling, he was happy.

When the door across the street opened and Mike walked out carrying a bag of lemons, it was already 11:10 a.m. Jimmy laughed internally at the horrid work ethic his neighbor and competition displayed. 

Mike’s daytime babysitters/nannies exited the house after him. One carried a collapsible lemonade stand that Mike’s parents bought him online. The other had two pitchers of blasphemous lemonade in her arms.

Mike’s manufactured sign read, “Fresh-Squeezed Lemonade,” but there was nothing fresh about it. It was watered down Country Time and the bag of lemons was Mike’s clever way of deceiving people into believing his no good, lying sign. Jimmy knew it, the whole neighborhood knew it, but the others didn’t. And that was the problem.

The ingredients for Jimmy’s lemonade were simple: lemons from the local farmer’s market, which were then hand sliced and squeezed, a little bit of sugar, and of course water from the purest, most delicious source of drinking water there ever was: the garden hose. It was his secret ingredient and he went so far as to collect it under the cover of night from the hose in the backyard so no one would see.

Then there was Mike’s lemonade. Made from tubs of Country Time purchased online in bulk and mixed with way too much tap water. Jimmy wouldn’t have even been surprised if he learned that Mike used toilet water on occasion. He wouldn’t put that sort of thing past a sleazy turd like Mike.

  It was appalling to such an honest businessman as Jimmy. He once called the Better Business Bureau on Mike, but they said, “they were too busy with a sting operation involving the Girl Scouts to bother with a neighborhood lemonade stand.” After that call, Jimmy waxed to his parents about how “government bureaucracies are apparently more concerned with cookies than fraudulent lemonade.” Ever since, he’s been looking for a lawyer who’d take his case. No such luck as of yet.

Back to the real problem of this war, If Mike wanted to sell second, no, third-rate lemonade that was his prerogative. Jimmy wouldn’t stand in his way, but deceiving customers was just about the dirtiest thing a salesman could do and that he would never tolerate. Plus, Mike had the inherent benefit of living on the right side of the street when workers at the nearby business park left for lunch. This resulted in Jimmy only being patronized by Mike’s flow-over clients when his line was too long.

Jimmy tried curbside service for a few days, but that involved hiring an employee, which cut into his profits and threw his margins out of whack. And that was something the Tank would not respect.

When he shared his quandary with his parents, his dad said, “You can just get them on their way back to work.” But his mom thought that wouldn’t be a viable option, because “they’ll probably be too full from their martini lunches to stop for lemonade,” then added, “Unless you start adding vodka to it.” Once again Jimmy’s mom was right. The business park was primarily filled with advertising and marketing agencies and those employees loved “liquid lunches.”

The sales kept ringing in for Mike and Jimmy’s trickled in at best. Perhaps, his next course of action was caused by a mixture of desperation and heat or desperation coupled with the beginnings of dehydration. Jimmy drained his water bottle filled with hose water an hour ago and he was parched. Yet, he never dared to get “sugar high on his own supply.” Regardless of the cause, Jimmy left his stand and crossed the street. A confrontation was afoot.

The Jimmy versus Mike feud was never only about lemonade. Four years ago at Jimmy’s birthday party Mike was a pest and a bully. Jimmy’s parents hired a clown who worked in the medium of balloons. He was capable of making anything, so by request he transformed multiple balloons into a coat of armor and a crown for Jimmy, which fit perfectly with his Knights of the Round Table themed party.

When it was Mike’s turn he asked the clown to fashion a sword, but not just any sword. It was to be the “biggest, longest, mightiest balloon sword” the clown ever created. The clown was a smart clown and not merely a sad clown as his visage indicated. He knew what Mike was doing and tried to convince him to maybe go with a balloon horse or balloon wristwatch, because “even knights needed to know what time of day it was.”

But Mike persisted. He was adamant about his sword and held up the line for far too long, so the clown caved. He made Mike his sword and Mike used it like any little shit would. He began stabbing and beating Jimmy with the balloon sword, all the while screaming, “who’s going to be with Guinevere now?” Jimmy knew it would be Lancelot, but semantics would hardly get him out of this situation. No, it was something else that did the trick.

The practical and deft hand of Jimmy’s father brandished a thumbtack pulled from the nearby corkboard. He casually pricked Mike’s balloon broadsword before slyly disposing of the tack in a potted plant. The weaponized plastic popped with an all too satisfying sound for Jimmy. Mike looked stunned, then began to cry and quickly ran out the door, across the street, and to his front door, which was locked, so he had to ring the bell for the housekeeper to let him in.

The exteriorly visible sad clown was in figurative stitches from the whole situation. Laughing so hard he snorted a half-dozen times and was forced to excuse himself to the bathroom in order to check on his facial portmanteau. The party was saved and the feud had begun.

After looking both ways, Jimmy crossed the street and strolled as intimidatingly as a stroll can be towards Mike. “Well, look at this jerk,” Mike said to his nannies and added, “Uff da! This lutefisk is limp!” His nannies forced a laugh as if their annual bonuses were tied into laughing at the stupid things Mike said.

Caught off guard, Jimmy suddenly became aware of how he looked. As he assumed would happen earlier, he had indeed sweat through his “Be Nice” shirt and forgot to change into one of his better ones. And now he was frozen, everything he wanted to say to Mike escaped his short-term memory and he just stood there, slack-jawed.

Mike broke the silence. “Why don’t you turn around and take your stink fish face back to your stupid lemonade stand, ya baby.” Jimmy quickly blurted out the only thing that came to mind, “I know you are, but what am I,” then sprinted back across the street, eschewing all safety measures one should follow when crossing streets.

Just like Donkey Kong, it was on. Jimmy was about to sink to new lows and fight jerky behavior with jerky behavior. At the end of the day, he wouldn’t be proud of his actions, but desperate times call for desperate measures. He retreated to the safety of his bedroom and contemplated his plan of attack. Jimmy’s eureka moment hit him like that fateful balloon sword so many years ago and he knew what must be done. 

Jimmy opened the top left drawer of his dresser and pulled out his favorite shirt. The front read, “Chumbawamba” and the back “Tubthumping,” complete with the lyric, I get knocked down, but I get up again. You are never gonna keep me down. “Truer words have never been read before, T-Shirt. Mike Anderson, I’m coming for you. You might knock me down, but I’ll get up again. Oh yes, you’re never gonna keep me, Jimmy Stanton, down. It’s tubthumping time.”

With a Chumbawamba aided flurry, Jimmy ran to the computer room and opened his browser, typed in “yelp.com” and he was off. Jimmy’s dad walked by with a basket full of clean clothes, “what are you up to, sport,” he asked? “Slander,” Jimmy replied, “slander.” “Well, have fun and don’t forget to bring your dirty clothes down to the laundry room.”

Thanks to Mavis Beacon and a summer camp gone oh, so right, Jimmy typed at a furious 50 words per minute. He barely knew what he was doing other than creating dozens and dozens of fake accounts and giving as few stars as possible to Mike’s lemonade stand.

  Jimmy must have given at least a tri-baker’s dozen of ratings to his nemesis. Each one exposed the world to Mike’s dirty, little Country Time secret and a few of them even mentioned Jimmy’s toilet water theory. When his Internet salvo was expended, Jimmy happily returned to his lemonade stand, just in time to see the aftermath.

A line of cars had stopped at Mike’s stand and when Jimmy sat down ready to sell his refreshing treat again, it started. The dinging of cell phone alerts was almost deafening. Each patron reached for his or her phone and Mike had no clue what was about to hit him. One customer after another shouted some variation of, “Country Time! We have this garbage at the office. I’m not paying for this, I’m going over there” and pointed at Jimmy and his virtuous lemonade stand.

Mike, once again, looked stunned, began to cry and ran back to his front door, which was locked, per household guidelines, as home safety was a priority for the Anderson family. A tenet Mike would often forget throughout the years. Mike’s two nannies hastily packed up his stand and followed the brat. They left the bag of lemons in the grass, and poured out the pitchers full of lie juice before returning to the door to let Mike in.

It was not a pretty picture, but Jimmy had his best day of business ever. It allowed him to open up that second stand a few streets down the following summer and he did it without the help of Shark Tank. Best of all, it would be a cold day in Helena, Alabama before Mike Anderson messed with Jimmy Stanton again.