#ahhh we never finished it too so seeing the end was so fckin sad

[sipsteainanxiety]

my bro n i just binged all of gravity falls</3 miss that show

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[sh-lan]

better late than never winter break 2k16

Season’s greetings and best of bangtan came out i’m deceased

started watching goblin. forgot how real actors make me feel. <3 also that ost with punch and chanyeol gets me every time. (ha omg i accidentally made a punch reference LOL who am i)

OMG BIG BANG COMEBACK IN 3 DAYS. DIGGIN THAT LAST DANCE TEASER. hope it doesn’t disappoint

i was gonna give up on weightlifting fairy but then the end of ep1 got me like. FUCK GOTTA WATCH THE NEXT EP EDIT: still currently trying to finish it...

that moment when you forget about the ab flash from we are bulletproof and you rewatch performances and just

To quote leighton: “Your teef are shifting and you will be uglee" One week without retainers… EDIT: but like yo my teeth actually shifted and ow ㅠㅠ

Ok so i made a sideblog for my bts feels so hopefully this main one wont be splashed with too much bts lol EDIT: it’s still splashed with a lot of bts let’s be real here

So like the past two days there were lives from v and rapmon so i was like ok what are the chances that someone will do a live? So i actually woke up to check my phone pretty continuously from like 7am and what do you know. I woke up around 20 minutes in to eat jin + chimchim + kook and i was as ecstatic as someone could be at 8am. But the connection was terribad and they ended it prematurely but OH WELL Then after waking up at 11...i went on twitter and was smacked in the face with not only jungkook but multiple other members. Ahhh what a good morning. Also this bitchass tagged the nochu shit AGAIN smh

New snow filters got me shookt esp jimin’s facetime call one I fckin cant

december 15th I AM SO SHOOKT BTS I AM COMING FOR YOU OMFG #goodbyenewcomputer #goodbyenewphone EDIT: omg i’m literally trying to see my loves on the day of my love’s birthday #whoami

Omg that moment when i rediscover the letter from my korean shadow and then i’m like ??? He has a brother in YG i totally forgot about AND THEN AFTERWARDS I TELL VANIA AND YURI. THEN VANIA SHOWS ME AN ARTICLE WITH POTENTIAL YG BOIS AND I WAS LIKE HAHA NO WAY HE’S GONNA BE THERE BUT ????? Kim joon gyu. My shadow’s name is kim jin gyu. And i just. THEY LOOK ALIKE BUT DIFF? Oh my god IT HAS TO BE HIM???

Ahhh here goes another rejection. But that’s ok because too many good things cant happen to me right?

OHMYGOD WE ARE GOING TO BTS WINGS WORLD TOUR #dec17th

Visited a wonder of the world! #butgotlike6mosquitobites #chickenpizza cancun for a week in the middle of winter break felt...really weird because i went from 50 degree weather to 70 degree weather BUT it was fun nonetheless. although i missed some awesome scuba diving experiences due to mother nature, it was just quality vacation time. also got a massage at a beach with ma. what a wonderful experience lOL and ziplining was fun too! so that’s an experience for the books. but honestly all inclusive hotels are so dangerous i swear i came back from cancun 5 pounds heavier -_-

GOT JACKY INTO TOWER OF GOD. YUS.

Why are there still so many things to take care of when it’s break smh

hnngh omg what to buy and going broke and money and omg no

Finally fixed my roots on december…26th? Man my hair grows really slow but damn pudding hair

Struggle is real when you cant drink han and i went to the sunset brewery for our anniversary and i ate a lot of food but also i suck at drinking and let’s just say it ended with me throwing up but that’s ok. so i just took a bath and went to sleep LOL

i just freed 6gb of memory because that’s how much memory virtualbox was taking up. hello???!?!?!?!?!

need buy army bomb need buy presents need buy more presents what do what is money EDIT: but actually wot is money doe

Went to a barry’s class today and it was fun!! Expect i’m sore now *cries*

Omg january 1st in the morning of ungodly hour of 2:30am, i open tumblr to be greeted with all the photos from the gayo daejun and I’M FUCKIN SLAYED BY ALL THE JUNGKOOK PICS FML WHO IS THIS CHILD I AM DED

Omg i saw this suggested post but i lost it and now i can never find it ever again smh why

Someone tell me am i going through puberty again because i have at least 6 pimples on my face omfg

but like why do i like so many of the designs for the bts stuff? like the HYYH era had such quality packaging and graphic designs and wings is so simple yet great and then there’s covers like dark & wild and 2 cool 4 skool looking angsty af but also just creative? wot is life how to work for bighit

Ok i updated the tumblr app for better browsing purposes BUT SOMEONE TELL ME WHY THERE ARE RANDOM SHIT ADS IN THE MIDDLE OF PEOPLE’S BLOGS. HOLY CRAP ARE YOU SRS RIGHT NOW

Gotta watch yuri on ice and haikyuu

Honestly im really sad that there arent any uniqlos in sd because I LIVE AND BREATHE THAT STORE WHEN I HAVE IT AROUND ME *cries*

have i been living under a rock or did i just happen to forget that WJSN is under starship??? wtf wait…

why is school already emailing me pls stop

i can’t believe i haven’t jumped on haikyuu until now, 2014 me what were you doing

The wind and rain is pretty crazy right now ;___;

ok but like every time i try to type “btw” i end up typing “bts” lol…

Y'all i’m so shookt i cant wait for jungkook’s new cover release I live for this

ok but like how did i forget that i booked a 9:35am flight back to sd especially when i can’t even get up in the mornings i thought i booked a 3pm flight…

Can we just take a moment to appreciate that kageyama slams two buttons on the vending machine because he cant decide which drink to choose I thought he was just being stupid But This is lifechanging for me i’m going to do that forever

okay but all the year end performances were alfjeklajfeiwajfeiowa bts <3 ALSO CAN I JUST MENTION THE SEVENTEEN PERFS. LIKE. OMFG. WONWOO SANG. HE SANG. I REPEAT. HE SANG.

andddddddddddd that was winter break? this was the last winter break that i’m probably every going to have *cries* but welcoming in 2017 was nice! we all had a smol celebration while watching countdowns from around the US before actually having our own little countdown at home. we ate at that one malaysian restaurant in chinatown, went to whole foods to grab a bunch of food before heading home and enjoyed champagne and cheese! then han went to countdown for a bit before coming back...lol. and the rest of us just played bang for like 4 hours straight before heading into bed for the new year. it was fun!

and i really can’t believe that we had 1 month for winter break - which i thought was just a little too long. but i guess in retrospect, it was nice to end my college career with a month long winter break. LOOKING FORWARD TO 2017 (even though we’re already like 2 weeks in because i’m late in making this post...lol)