#alaska is literally the weakest little bitch in this

[ajasgf]

this is awful. please don’t hate me. i know i can do better than this. i wrote this so long ago and never posted it but you asked so here it is. please don’t laugh. 

Sharon tugged her coat around her frame even tighter, shielding herself from the forest wind. On a moss covered tree stump to her left laid the holy book; her only downfall. She took the lighter from her pocket and set it ablaze, watched as the flames danced above the metal, twisting in the breeze. Her smile brighter than the small inferno.

Her hand reached for the book, turning pristine pages between her fingertips. She found her way to Leviticus and tore the paper from the binding jaggedly, throwing the book down hard in front of her. With a lighter poised right under the discarded pages, she watched the world burn.

Section by section, Sharon destroyed the book, ashes catching on her coat and in her hair. Never had she felt more divine. “If I cannot move Heaven,” she thought, “I will raise Hell.”

Her cackle echoed through the forest as she threw the ashes into the wind. Nothing left of a creator. For a moment, she let herself pretend that she was free.

_____________

“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. The wanting for a girl has overcome me. Please, I beg you to make me forget soft thighs and painted lips. I have prayed and praised you before all else. I want to be perfect for you. I don’t know what more I can do. Are you listening?”

Tears poured down Alaska’s cheeks, harsh sobs wracking her body. Her attempts to be silent had long been abandoned. Already on her knees, she crumpled further into the floor of the cathedral, grasping her chest hard enough to feel the sharp indents of her crucifix against her palm.

Alaska could feel the moonlight flooding through the stained glass windows, bathing her in a soft glow. Her hair splayed out around her, messy blonde locks contrasting against dark tile. Her cries sounded like drums through the church, drowning out the tapping of high heels against cement.

Noticing a shoe in her line of vision, Alaska threw herself even further into the floor. “I’m sorry, Sister! I know I shouldn’t be out of bed but I had to come and confess! I had to,” she cried, voice breaking with the shaking of her body. She had been hit by the nuns once before and the bright red scar still stood out on her pale skin.

“Hey,” came a soft, feminine voice from behind her. Nothing like the harsh tone most of the nuns possessed. A hand touched her shoulder gently and Alaska raised into a kneel, peering through a curtain of tangled hair.

“Hey,” Alaska heard again. She turned to face the figure behind her, a girl adorning the tightest and shortest black dress Alaska had ever seen. It stopped high on her thighs, exposing creamy skin and seductively long legs. Alaska glanced down at the girl’s stiletto heels before meeting her eye.

The girl ran her hand along Alaska’s shoulder comfortingly, her sharp nails caressing the skin. Alaska couldn’t help but stare at her. Long black hair cascading down her back in loose ringlets, bright blue eyes and blood red lips. Alaska could have sworn that she, herself, was temptation.

The girl smiled down at her, continuing to run her hands over her shoulder. “Are you okay?” she asked. Alaska stared, wide eyed.

“I’m not going to tell anyone that you were here. Neither of us are supposed to be out right now. Come with me. My room is right down the hall.” She extended her hand to Alaska, black nails glinting in the light.

Alaska stood with her help, wiping violently at the tears under her eyes. She felt blood in her palm from the sharpness of her crucifix. Before she could take a good look at the cut, she was pulled down the eerily quiet hallway of the cathedral.

A few doors down from the confessional were the unused dorms. Alaska couldn’t recall ever seeing anyone with a room in this place. All of the girls slept in a building across the campus in two lengthy hallways, connected to a bathroom and a small living area. As far as Alaska knew, no one had ever slept this close to the church.

Alaska felt herself being pulled into a room, the door shut softly behind her. She sat on the small bed, watching as the girl rummaged around in a bedside drawer for a second before turning to Alaska.

“I’m Sharon,” she said, taking Alaska’s hand in her own and inspecting the cut from the crucifix. She wiped away the excess blood with her finger, placing a bandage over the wound and securing it tightly. “That’s better. Those goddamn necklaces hurt.” Alaska gaped at her choice of words and Sharon smiled. “And who are you, princess?”

“My name’s Alaska,” she conceded, blushing lightly at the nickname. With her sitting and Sharon standing, her eyes landed on Sharon’s scantily covered breasts. Alaska tore her eyes away violently.

“What was a pretty girl like you doing crying in the confessional at night?” Sharon smirked, placing a clawed hand over her round hip.

“That’s none of your business!” Alaska exclaimed.

“Oh, I know it’s not. But how could I just ignore a beautiful girl looking so vulnerable?” Sharon’s smile was intoxicating as she sat down next to Alaska on the bed.

“I was confessing. I always come at night.” Alaska studied her hands in her lap, refusing to meet Sharon’s eye.

“Why is that?” Sharon placed her hand on Alaska’s thigh and Alaska jumped, shifting a few feet away.

“I can’t risk the other girls hearing. I need more forgiving than they do.”

Sharon crossed her legs at the ankles, turning to face Alaska while still respecting the space she had set between them. “And how are you supposed to forgive yourself when you place all of your faith in a man in the sky?”

Alaska scoffed. “I don’t need my own forgiveness! I need his before all else!”

Sharon’s lips crooked upwards in a sad sort of smile. “What if your God isn’t here, Alaska? What then?”

Alaska stood up abruptly, her Sunday school shoes slamming against the floor. “There’s no way! There is no way that He isn’t here! None of us would be here if he hadn’t died for us!” Alaska replied on reflex and reached for the door handle. “I’ll be leaving now. Goodnight!”

Before she could turn the handle, Sharon called after her softly. “Where will you go, darling? The dorms are all the way across the courtyard. You’ll have to walk past the nuns’ block.”

“I got here on my own, I can leave on my own! I know how to slip through the forest!”

“It’s nearing three am. You know the nuns get together nightly to pray. It’s safer to stay.”

Alaska scowled, hating the fact that Sharon was right. She sat back down on the bed, turning away from her. But she wasn’t hesitant to talk.

“How couldn’t you believe in a God? This world had to start somewhere. We didn’t just come from nothing. There is a creator and he loves us, Sharon. I know it.”

Sharon sighed. “If God created this world, how can he stand the sight of himself? If we are created in his image, can we really trust him? How is there someone who claims to be a beacon of hope when war and poverty affect so many? How can someone who truly loves His creations let six million people be violently tortured and slaughtered for their religion? How can He love us when He lets us be murdered? Did it hurt less after His first child was killed? Is He desensitized now? Does He even care? I don’t want a God. Give me something I can destroy.”

“Of course He cares,” Alaska cried. “The hardships He puts up through it to make us stronger! He’s making us more worthy of his love.”

“That doesn’t explain senseless killing, princess.” Sharon laid out across her bed on her back. “What about the old testament? You all just pretend like it doesn’t exist, like your God wasn’t angry or spiteful. You call Him a savior after he flooded the world. You call Him a hero after He killed more people than anyone else in the Bible ever did. And you say He is love when he condemns people like me to the pits of Hell. There’s no love in wanting to see your own children burn.”

“What do you mean, people like you?” Alaska questioned.

“Women who love women, Alaska. We’re monsters in his eyes.”

Alaska sits quietly, shocked into silence. She thinks about her own breakdown at the altar of Christ. She thinks about the countless days she has tried to force herself to forget wanting a girl’s lips on her own.

Sharon notices her lack of retaliation. “I heard you, Alaska. And I heard my mother when she called me the devil and sent me away. I heard the priest when he tried to beat it out of me. I heard the nuns when they locked me away. If that’s what God wants for me, he is the sickest of them all.”

Alaska continued to sit in silence. She curled her knees up to her chest, resting her head on top of them. Sharon took this as her resign, covering Alaska in a blanket from the bed and turning out the light to catch the two hours of sleep left before they had to be in class.

_____________

Alaska snapped awake, rubbing her eyes. She immediately noticed that she wasn’t in her own room. No, there was too much black to be anything like the pristine white room she shared with her dormmates. Her blurry vision locked on the girl standing in front of her. Sharon.

She rubbed Alaska’s shoulder, placing a clean uniform skirt and blouse down on the bed. “I woke you up awhile ago, but you went back to sleep. You were too cute to disturb and you looked like you needed rest. Class starts soon. You can take my uniform.” Alaska was about to ask what Sharon would do for clothing until she eyed the short latex dress she was wearing.

Sharon noticed her perplexed look and laughed. “I don’t go to your kind of classes, Lasky. I get to sit in a room with a priest for hours while he drones on about my need to repent. He despises me as it is. This dress isn’t going to hurt any more than my very lesbian presence does.”

Alaska blinked a few times, her mind catching on the nickname. Lasky.

Sharon turned to slide into her plumb heels, dabbing at her crimson lips with the pad of her finger. She smiled down at Alaska. “Get changed. Wouldn’t want the good girl to be late for morning prayer.”

Alaska blushed, picking up the clothes next to her on the bed. She eyed Sharon wearily, looking from the skirt and blouse to her own body.

“I won’t look. Contrary to popular belief, sapphic women aren’t the predators they try to make you think we are. No matter how pretty you are, that’s disrespectful and I’m not going to treat you like a piece of meat. Now, get dressed.” Sharon faced away from Alaska, adjusting her dress in the mirror and running her fingers along the crystals that lay at the bottom.

“Okay,” Alaska replied meekly once she had finished and Sharon turned.

“I’ve never seen anyone make a church school uniform look cute,” Sharon flirted. Alaska blushed heavily and wrapped her fingers around the doorknob.

“Wait!” Sharon called. “Can I see you again? No tears this time.”

Alaska hesitated at the door, shocked into thought. She nodded quickly and rushed out into the hall.

Goddamn pretty Christian girls, Sharon thought.

_____________

In class, the nuns spoke of homosexuality. The entire week had been dedicated to Leviticus and Alaska found herself sitting uneasily, trying to push away thoughts of dark hair and a sinfully tight dress.

What if she had wanted Sharon to watch her as she changed that morning? How big of a sin was it to want to see her, too? Alaska wanted to touch her. Wanted to feel those long, long legs wrapped around her head. She could feel a slight dampening between her legs and it petrefied her. She needed to get out.

“Miss Thunder!” The nun roared. “What could possibly be so important that you are not being attentive to my lecture?”

“Nothing, Sister. Nothing is more important. I just think I may be getting ill.” Alaska lied. She needed to get away before someone noticed the slight squeezing of her thighs.

“Very well. You are excused to your dorm and I fully expect you to read over the passage tonight and be here tomorrow morning.”

“Of course, Sister. Thank you, Sister.” Alaska rose from her seat in a hurry, clutching her Bible tight to her chest and exiting the room.

_____________

Alaska avoided her dorm. She loved the six other girls she shared with, but she needed to be alone. She found herself in the forest.

Reaching out to brush her fingertips against each tree, Alaska wandered deep into the woods, lost in thought. Was God listening? How could she still be fantasizing about her hand in the hand of another girl when she had been begging on her knees for so long? Why could she hardly resist the urge to touch Sharon when she had fasted, had prayed? Was He out there? Did He want her to feel like this?

It was Katya who found her.

“Oh! Alaska!” her dormmate cried happily.

“What are you doing here?” Alaska asked after turning to face the thick Russian voice behind her. Alaska liked Katya most of all. She didn’t speak the best English, but it was endearing to Alaska. Broken syllables and forgotten words.

“This is where I kiss Trixie! Secret!” Katya looked breathtakingly happy as she mimed the zipping of her lips.

Alaska’s face cracked. So, the rumors were true. She shook her head lightly to clear it.

“Aren’t you scared?” Alaska asked meekly.

“No,” Katya smiled. “Trixie is smart. We don’t get caught. We are hiding. Sometimes, I see witchy girl here but she just smile at us. She is only one.”

Witchy girl. Sharon.

“You aren’t afraid of Hell?”

“Not at all! I don’t believe your God. He can’t hurt me if he is not real.” Katya looked confused as to why Alaska was asking.

“Then why are you here? You’re aware that this is a Catholic school, right?”

“Because parents sent me here. They do not think like I do.”

“Does it bother you? The preaching?” Alaska questioned.

“No, because I know they are wrong. I love who I love. In Russia, they do this, too. But no one tell me what to do. Girls are soft, pretty. I like them.” Katya beamed.

Alaska cleared a spot on the ground of leaves and sat down. “How did you know?” She asked.

“That I don’t believe God?”

“No, that you liked girls?” Alaska kept her gaze locked on the forest floor.

“Oh, easy!” Katya exclaimed, sitting down next to her. “Girls are nice! Boys’ mouths are rough. They take, don’t give. Girls care about you, too! They kiss you and play with hair and their smiles are pretty! Trixie has pretty smile. And she cares for me, too! So I care for her!”

“Do you love her?”

“Yes. She is good to me. We are good to each other.” Katya looked up at the sky, blissfully lost in thoughts of Trixie.

Alaska picked at her nails, worn down from years of anxious biting. “Will she be here?”

“Soon. We come everyday for few hours before night to talk and read and kiss. You want us to find somewhere new?” Katya moved to sit closer to Alaska.

“No, this is place is yours. I just came to think.” Alaska looked down as Katya took her hand in her own.

“Alaska, you need help? You like girls, too? It can be scary here.”

Alaska tore her hand away like Katya had burned her. She stood quickly, only stopping when she saw the hurt in Katya’s eyes.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know, Kat. I don’t know.”

“That okay, Alaska.” Katya got to her feet. “You going home? You like me to walk you?”

“No, that’s fine. Stay here and wait for Trixie. I’m going to go try to rest for awhile. Thank you.”

Alaska tensed slightly as Katya hugged her before relaxing into the embrace. “It okay. They don’t tell you what to do.”

“Thank you.” Alaska wiped at the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “Goodnight, Kat.”

“Goodnight, Alaska.” Katya waved as Alaska walked away.

_____________

Alaska hadn’t left her room in four days. Her thoughts were consumed by Sharon and the shame that came along with it left her sick.