#all i know is that i'm having to outsource advice and support from literally everyone BUT them
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So i'm just going to be perpetually angry about the way I was treated in my past I guess. That's fun.
#i'm fine i'm just frustrated#im in the processing vortex post planned freakout session and like i got some things to process#my parents clearly fucking could not stand the fact that they had to like... be parents#about anything#I don't... I don't remember what I said that made my partner immediately pull me in and start apologizing for it happening to me#all i know is that i'm having to outsource advice and support from literally everyone BUT them#like... yes i DO want to have contact with someone who not only has been through the things i'm about to#but also someone who like gives a shit about me and wants to make sure i'm okay even though i'm just Some Guy to her#but i don't know what to DO with that i don't have the framework for operating with support#especially support and understanding and love from people who like... barely know me???#my parents were supposed to be that. so why the fuck am i having to go to other people's parents to do THEIR job#like#WHAT#anyway... i'm desperately trying not to borrow sorrow from the future before i have answers but like#fucking hell man#i'm terrified to reach out to my own actual family members who have offered ACTUAL support to me in other times#because like what if this is the straw that makes them go oh shit i gotta distance myself from this guy real fast#my eternal fear is that one day everyone will see whatever it was that made my parents dislike me so much#i've been assured that can't happen because there is no reason for my parents to have treated me like that outside of their own fuckedupnes#but what if they just haven't seen it yet? y'know?#ahhh.... sorry i'm... clearly i'm not feeling *better* better#but at least anger is better than fear
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