#all these ppl who call themselves progressive who do this are so fucking dumb

[snekdood]

i really dont think i actually deserved all that bullshit. the internets traumatized me now at this point and literally no ones gonna care unless my abuser is honest and its so fucking exhausting.

[orbleglorb]

i know i become part of the problem when i do this. but i genuinely do not trust queer ppl from progressive areas to have opinions that aren't batshit. like so many gays in progressive areas will argue over which flag is morally ok to use and which one makes you a horrible person that deserves to die. like babygirl i am getting threatened with physical violence. i am watching trans people around me be hurt and knowing that i am going to be next. that all it takes is me being at the wrong place at the wrong time. and if i ever point out "maybe we should focus on the people literally dying" these dipshit, dumb-as-nails queer people from places where they can openly fly pride flags are like "we can care about more than one thing!!!" ok cool so why are you telling ppl who use the "toothpaste flag" to kill themselves instead of like, idk, emailing your senators. or going to protests, if able. or calling your state representative. or donating to groups that help LGBTQ people in need, if able. or volunteering, if able. or fucking voting. you can do SOMETHING. you complain about "not having energy" and "being too anxious to email a senator" but y'all have no problem telling some random person to kill themselves over the internet for being queer in a way you don't like.

you can be useful, you are just actively choosing to focus on the dumbest possible shit instead. please, i want to be safe in my state. i hate that i have to flee in order to be safe, but i do. i can't move, though. i am tired of fighting for my right to exist as a trans person in the south, but whenever i turn to my community they laugh about how we southerners are all racist/homophobic/transphobic anyway and deserve to die. because obviously, living in the south should be a death sentence.

i truly hate the LGBTQ community. I truly do. you have never been here for people like me and you never will be. not as long as you can scream at someone on twitter instead

[misterbitches]

hi! this is long as shit i’m sorry. i hope it makes sense. i ahve adhd and like 5 million learning disorders so this is just word vomit cos there’s so many words in my brain. my b.

i’ve had such a tough day so thank you for replying and sharing! @yeedak​ 

i was thinking about what i wrote and i meant to clarify that as well. some cases are fine for both parties and it’s not like you weren’t consenting and it seems like you were happy! same with my friend who was dating a 20 yr old. if they’re happy you know i’ll clown on ‘em but yea. so for anyone that sees these posts your relationship with your partner who is older or whatever. i’m some dumb girl on the internet okay. ill side eye older ppl tho

i think a lot of people feel the same way you do now (me included.) it feels really good at the time but alter we can see the dynamics playing out. i’m 29 now and i think aging is just such a huge process. it’s wild how you at 31 are a totally different person, right?

and the US racism is probably some of the worst ever in its iteration because of slavery which started from europe etc but USA is so fucking unique bc of columbus bringing slaves here and displacing indigenous peoples or hispanola and because america is so influential the way it views race, particularly with black people as objects, has so deeply permeated into the current historical psyche globally. it’s fascinating to track how necessary anti blackness is to the flourishing of america but also the world at this point. also want to point out how fuckign scary sinophobia is here especially for covid. one is a straight historical line (black ppl + the US) and the other had to be manufactured and to continue to exploit the non-white americans and keep antiblackness in tact.i could go on about this all day. the pain of this place is immense.yet as bad as it is here, this is still the only place i truly feel safe as a black person. because of the unique experience we have in america and through the diaspora especially because we are veyr much ocncentrated here. it would be nice to like move to norway and have some alleviation financially or get free healthcare it’s just not feasible if no one looks like me. it’s fucking tough. 

i hope you don’t hate it here though and people treat you with respect. but as you know being a woman and jewish and an immigrant....shit is tough. the USA is a hellhole. :( america is so deeply tainted and desperately bad because it was founded on strife and blood and there’s no way to reverse that and what this country did in turn when it gained enough power and could capitalize off of the colonial forefathers. this is why we hsould all luv revolution!!!

HOWMEVERRRR 

boy oh boy oh BOY OH BOYYYYYYYY. well wlecome to the world of BL lmao especially as an adult with some obviously deep perspective just given your background. it is a fucking mess and it’s a hard mess to like but it pulls you in. i approach it like i do with soap operas since these are essentially telenovelas, you know? just like the drama at a billion. but the tricky part of that is like....what parts of it do we understand for critiquing? because so many of the shows are so bad at being like good pieces of things to look at just production wise and story wise. but i feel like these shows ask us to take them seriously, so why shouldn’t we take the content seriously? and this is being primarily peddled to young girls. 

i bring this up often but i read this thing about yaoi and the interest younger women/girls have in BL and its fascination with pederasty essentially. this component i think is key when we talk about who gets affected by these things the most. society in general is bad 4 girls bla bla we know lmao but in “more sexually conservative” societies it may be harder for these girls to feel safe even expressing normal emotions romantically and sexually and particularly with guys. some people hypothesized, and i think i agree with this hypothesis, that they can live through the casualness of BL. they don’t feel threatened because they can put themselves into the shoes of the other character. oftentimes, the more feminine or the younger. this was in conjunction with the age gap aspect (they say pederasty as well because there’s unethical age gaps that r gross and that is indeed what we would at least call a touch of sexual abuse if people dont feel like calling it an obsession with youth and power and uhhh young ppl and perhaps kids) where maybe girls could see themselves in these situations as the person being saved, loved, taken care of, and sadly also sexually active and penetrated. 

i think that’s just one aspect of it but i do think there’s validity in who gravitates towards it. i cannot imagine seeing this stuff and not getting enough information as a young kid, i sure as fuck know i didn’t!, and seeing these things and you look at it with 0 critique because you’re young and you may have no interest in it or you simply cannot understand what is wrong. no one is teaching you these things and these shows confirm it. and it is wild how intrinsic patriarchy is to BL although in its existence it also can’t be in line with patriarchy given the nature of two [cis] men!

it begs the question about the replacement aspect. is it just so girls can put themselves in these characters shoes? if so then that means we believe that gender is so interchangeable within our relationships and interactions and that doesn’t seem right. there’s more to lgbtq+ than just existing; it’s finding ways to communicate, finding a family, safety, your people, being a free person. there’s a lot to gain and a lot a lot to lose. and a gay man is also not a woman because those are also two distinct experiences.  especially in societies that have a more hidden aspect to sexuality (idk how to word this bc the BL industry would NEVER survive in america but in a way there’s a more “progressive” look at homosexuality but it’s still fucked up because we live in a Society, you know? at the same time look at what we are doing to trans kids. literally waging war so it’s bonkers how we all collectively have some real progress happening but at the same time not at all. the concept of ‘ladyboys’ and the frequency we see trans people in thai shows is wild and something that we absolutely do not see here in the US. still, none of these groups feel safe or are getting better material conditions in either place. we just show the ways we can try and tolerate oppression witout eliminating it imo)

to me it is clear: it’s money. which most things exist to make money so. but also who is the audience for these shows? and they have to market towards them. all that said all hope is not lost there are some decent shows. it’s just like regular media on TV though where it’s so fucking saturated as an industry that it’s literally sifting through garbage. and there are some days when you can handle the trash and others where it really fucking hurts to watch the violence, the rape, the manipulation, the violations, the stupid messaging. i have never seen more people trying to do mental gymnastics and seeing if things were “technically rape” than in teh BL fandom and that is so fucking sad.

i came into these shows at 28 with almost 0 clue of what as media BL was like esp as media that countries can use as soft power with the revenue. but i realize like...i’m 29 now and so many people don’t have a sizeable, though not huge, amount of life experience. and i wonder for people on the internet who are usually searching for something if they spend so much time on it like what a 15 year old girl thinks. what a 20 year old girl thinks. 

it is incredibly problematic and so awful but there’s also some rewards. if you haven’t i would definitely watch i told sunsset about you which i don’t think i’m going to finish and i doubt i’ll watch the second installment (watch this be a lie) but when i say some fucking impeccable storytelling and art? phew. now that is a fucking piece of media that works. it takes from moonlight heavily and you can see like...the artistic dedication is there and the story makes its world and sets up its stakes extremely well. 

i think because this is marketed towards much younger people too they know they dont have to try as hard. but they SHOULD because then you can have a fucking masterpiece like that. i think even this prolific gay thai filmmaker (who is like solidly against the government) who is so respected (and who i like a lot! if u wanna know i can tell u lmao but the films are very uhhhhhhhh “artsy”) would like i told sunset about you. i wish more people had budget like that and also just cared about the stories. it’s the fucking magic of art to figure out what you can do but there is very little incentive honestly. idk i am very pessimistic. there are days when it’s really a great pick me up and distraction but it is never a place i would love for to feel seen or heard but i’m more of the mind of i never trust the mainstream until they prove me wrong ;) 

or i never trust the mainstream and i still buy into it anyway and then cry when i don’t like what i see adn i yell “BOO GET OFF THE STAGE!” when an old man won’t leave a teenager alone

[sailorvinus]

What are your thoughts on people who goes all out on the aesthetic for their blogs? Do you think they’re have the right to express their creativity however they want? && Other than roleplaying, what’s your favorite hobby?

✨ @deductry. meme. still accepting!

17. What are your thoughts on people who goes all out on the aesthetic for their blogs? Do you think they’re have the right to express their creativity however they want?

i think its fine as long as aesthetic doesnt hinder the ability to make a reply i can read. some people really do be out here triple spacing their words, adding bold, italics, upside down letters, strikethroughs, underline, and everything else and for what???? for a reply that the kids i used to teach could write. and they were like 4 years old. lol. thats sad....... that’s when i know someone’s not confident in themselves

dont rly understand why ppl trend chase. ive noticed ppl putting dividers in their replies now and im just??? mystified???? what is this... what does it add to the reply.... which if ppl wanna do it then fine but please consider this: my blog is pretty and its bad enough ugly icons that dont match them are ruinin the vibe now mfs wanna add a border that is totally irrelevant to the actual reply???? i.......... im gonna get a divider / border like these 2001 old web ones and then force everyone to look at it on their blog then the concept becomes goofy

i think id be fine with aesthetics if they didnt involve those chunky dunky ass container themes with super busy backgrounds + 50 textures, the crispiest color psds, promos that all look Exactly alike, navigation that u cant see, 20 x 20 icons the size of a cheerio, 4px text, the shittiest formatting on this side of lady gaga's america, and actually gave some sort of idk. pizzazz to the muse.

like if the aesthetics are important then at least let them tell a story too. and authentic. not something thats bein done cuz everyone else is doin it. id like to think i go balls to the walls with my blog too but you walk into my blog and you know it’s a myspace era throwback because that’s what my muse is supposed to be.

everyone can do whta they want! but if its uglee imma call it dat so......

30. Other than roleplaying, what’s your favorite hobby?

im a musician before im anything else so im probably in my daw fucking around. producing something. ive recently gotten into ambient electronica / ambient techno production so im finding joy in stringing together a bunch of synths til i hit the 6 minute mark, adding random bitcrush effects, some percussion just so it looks like i actually did some work, maybe a vocal sample of someone whispering.......... and then i delete it gfkldjgslf. im actually working on a beat tape tho. its been a work in progress for the longest time. but if i actually managed to find my voice as an electronic music producer then i guess i could get somewhere. using a daw is new to me. im more of an instrumentalist. drummer and flutist, primarily. but i dont have any drums and my flute is at my grandmas so there's that..............

i also like to read!!! i buy like 3 - 4 books a month. havent bought any since like november. i only bought two i think. but its fine because ill always revisit my recent favorites. ummmmm... video games. i rly like those old school ass niche ps2 era games like mr. mosquito, space channel 5, kinetica, etc.

wow do i luv internet drama. so im probably reading up on someone’s dumb bullshit on reddit or something!! or youtube. i love internet drama, its my favorite thing on the internet. i live for watching people be the very worst!!! other than that??? i like to collect and try out different skincare and research ingredients cuz its just fun. might go to school to be an esthetician when this whole covid19 panera bread is over.

i love collecting obscure jazz records from taiwan.

[gottlem]

summer fl(in)g. gigi/crystal

a/n i made crystal sad about 3/4 through and im SORRY i was projecting. anyways theres a tiny tiny bit of angst but MOST of this is just dumb gays in l*ve. im still getting used to writing fics so be nice pls !!!! also if u want a pt2 be sure to let me know!

summary: lockdown in summer can be lonely, but Crystal and Gigi make sure they never feel alone. thank god they have good service. (3.8k words)

When lockdown was announced, Crystal wasn’t surprised. The pandemic was taking the world by storm and yeah, it fucking terrified her. But she had to look on the bright side. So that's what she did. Just as the announcement came to an end, Crystal’s phone pinged from her pocket and she smiled to see her friends' names light up on the screen.

JANtastic: well its official

miss cox: Yeah I’m gonna miss u guys!!!

goodegirl: you say that as if u won’t be spending lockdown with jan. i’ll be ALONE thanks for asking

CRYstal: hey i’ll be alone too !!! I’ll text u everyday to keep u company :-))

goodegirl: i’m gonna hold u up to that

And Gigi did hold her up to that. The country was two days into lockdown when Crystal received her first message.

goodegirl: ugh we are how many days into lockdown? And ive already had A MILLION people hit me up with “hows quarantine treating u ;)” i am SICK.

When Crystal read the text, an odd feeling bubbled in her stomach. She told herself it was because she wasn’t used to out-of-the-blue messages from Gigi yet, they just didn’t talk that much, but looking back she admits there was probably (definitely) more to it than that. Of course the girls had already been friends, but Crystal had never found it in herself to speak to Gigi that much because, well, she was intimidatingly gorgeous. They got on well in groups, where Crystal could try to focus her attention on someone who didn’t make her face red every time she looked at her, but she knew if she invited Gigi out by themselves, she would make a fool of herself. It was stupid really, it wasn’t even like she had feelings for her - she was just too pretty, and Crystal didn’t know how to handle herself around someone who looked like they belonged in a vogue magazine. A ping shook her from her thoughts.

goodegirl: like i get that ppl are thirsty rn. i get it. i am too. but is that really the BEST they can come up with?

Crystal needed to reply. But what could she even say to that?

CRYstal: at least u have people trying to hit you up ://

goodegirl: omg what??? ur telling me not ONE person has tried to slide into those dms? they need to get on that! ur a catch

Crystal felt her face flush at the comment. Did Gigi really think she was a catch? Or maybe she’s just being nice? That was probably it. Just friendly banter. 

CRYstal: nope haha! ANYWAYS. hows quarantine treating u ;-)

goodegirl: very funny. bitch.

From then on, the texts flowed easily between the two and Crystal started to ask herself why she hadn’t done this earlier. So what if Gigi was offensively attractive? They clicked so easily - Gigi was smart, quick witted, and didn’t take anything too seriously. So really, she was Crystal's perfect match. As a friend. Platonically. That night, they texted until Crystal was struggling to even keep her eyes open. It was a conversation that felt natural to them, bringing up anything that came into their heads and letting eachother start stupid tangents without fear of judgement. Gigi found Crystal's ability to ramble on about any random subject impossibly endearing, but she wouldn’t admit that out loud. Not yet, anyways.

--

After three days of almost constant texting, Crystal facetimed Gigi for the first time. She picked up within seconds with wide eyes and a grin on her face. 

“Hey you” If Crystal couldn’t see her smile (which she absolutely could) then she could definitely hear it. Gigi’s voice was soft and she hadn’t realised how much she missed it until she was reminded of it. The best thing was that Gigi sounded genuinely happy to speak to Crystal, it made her ecstatic. Crystal had called in the late afternoon, just before the sun had started to set, so she could see golden light shining gently onto Gigi’s features. It left her speechless for a second. How many times was Gigi going to leave her completely unable to reply by merely talking to her? This girl was going to be the death of her. When Crystal finally came to, she managed out a soft, but casual, reply, hoping that she had covered up the embarrassing amount of time it took for her to speak. If Gigi noticed, she didn’t mention it. 

It took them a while to get into the rhythm of actually talking to each other - texts made it easy to think over before you send, and Gigi had never really been one to think before she spoke aloud anyway. She didn’t want to scare Crystal off with how blunt she could be, but after some awkward laughs and stuttered jokes, the pair slowly fell into a rhythm they felt surprisingly comfortable in; they bounced off each other's jokes and soon enough their cheeks hurt from smiling. A few hours into the call, Crystal was sitting comfortably on her bed, her phone propped up with pillows so she and Gigi could still see each other. She caught herself staring again. It started off as small glances that lingered a bit longer than they should, but it was easy to do that and quickly cover it up, especially on facetime. Soon enough, Crystal would completely daze off for minutes, just staring at the girl on her screen. She figured out she really liked looking at Gigi, and Gigi didn’t seem to mind.

Gigi thinks Crystal’s voice is her favourite sound. After about 5 minutes of hearing run on sentences about god knows what, she had already decided she could listen to her talk forever. About anything. She really didn’t care as long as it was Crystal and she was talking to her. As the call progressed into the late hours of the night, the pair had started to get giggly - the tiredness they were feeling was starting to take effect, but it made them anything but sleepy. At 11:56pm, Gigi decided Crystal’s laugh was her second favourite sound. She would sometimes giggle, sometimes she’d shake with silent laughter, but her favourite was when she gave into a full-belly laugh. The kind of laugh that substitutes for a full core workout. That was Gigi’s favourite. 

Crystal was obsessed with Gigi’s smile. It softened Gigi, showed a side of her that Crystal hadn’t been acquainted to previously, but she was so glad she knew now. Gigi could be harsh sometimes, she had learned this years ago and had just accepted it as who Gigi was, but after seeing that damn smile, it was hard to think that Gigi was even capable of hurting a fly. Crystal was quick to realise the mean girl facade (which had only made her scarier to talk to, and somehow more attractive) was just that - a facade. Walls she had built up. Crystal was eager to break them down, and she felt like she was making a good start everytime Gigi smiled like that.

They hung up when Gigi started yawning more than she was talking, she insisted it was just because she was tired, and Crystal wholeheartedly believed her. When Gigi’s face disappeared from her screen, Crystal was still smiling. Her cheeks hurt and she felt whole. She took a deep breath and took in the silence for a moment - she was alone again. She didn’t feel lonely. Despite her ever-growing fatigue, Crystal just couldn’t fall asleep, her head was buzzing with Gigi’s voice, and her laugh, and her smile, and her eyes, and- Crystal was in deep shit. She was all too familiar with the feeling of butterflies manifesting in her stomach, the thoughts of a particular person on her mind constantly. To be completely honest, she hated it. Falling for anyone had never ended well for her, and falling for someone she was already friends with? Even worse. There was no way this would end without somebody getting hurt, and that somebody would probably be Crystal. And yet, being stuck in isolation, she thought the idea of possibly having a girlfriend didn’t sound too bad, but that might have been the lack of human contact talking. 

Gigi let her thoughts wonder as she drifted off into sleep. She wasn’t one to get crushes, but when she fell, she fell hard. And willingly. There was just something about the drama of having such strong feelings for someone, and playing guessing games on how they felt. And by the way Crystal had been staring at her all night, Gigi felt like she was on the right tracks. She liked the way her cheeks would flush if she thought too hard about the girl, or how butterflies would dance around in her stomach, making her feel lighter than a feather. Maybe she was just a hopeless romantic, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She allowed herself to dream up scenarios of herself and Crystal being together once this whole situation was over. She quite liked how it looked in her head. 

--

As the days passed, Gigi and Crystal found themselves spending more of their waking hours talking to each other over facetime than they did doing anything else. They were both falling quickly, only mildly aware of each other's adoration. It didn’t take very long for the casual flirting to start. Everytime Gigi gave an off-handed compliment about how Crystal sounded “really pretty today” or how her laugh is “the prettiest thing”, the other girl would turn bright red and freeze up. Gigi would tease her about it, which only made her more and more flustered. She thought she’d eventually get used to it, but she never did. Crystal tried to flirt back,really tried,  she wanted more than anything to make Gigi stumble over her words like she does to her so often, but she would always be completely unfazed by every compliment Crystal could think of. Crystal found her ability to keep her composure so easily both irritating and compelling. 

It took Crystal a few days to find something that would finally, finally break Gigi down. Pet names. When she had casually let ‘babe’ slip in the middle of a sentence, she could practically see the breath that got stuck in Gigi’s throat before she started to choke on nothing but air. When Crystal asked if she was ok, she answered with a question.

“Did you just call me babe?”

“Yeah. Is that a problem?” Crystal genuinely wanted to make sure that it was ok, but the comment came off as less of a question, and more as straight up flirting. 

“No. Nope. Not a problem at all. What were we talking about?”

Crystal doesn’t press further, taking pride in being able to make the girl so speechless, and continues what she was saying as if nothing had stopped her in the first place. She watched as Gigi’s blush died down very, very slowly, only to watch it burn up again every time Crystal repeated the pet name. She absolutely adored it. 

“You’re cute when you blush, babe” Gigi made a noise at this. Crystal made a note of that before deciding that this would never get old.

--

Soon enough, the girls were in a comfortable routine - talking every day until one of them would give in to sleep. It was usually Crystal. Gigi would stay on the call for a bit, just to listen to the girl’s breathing, it provided an unexpected comfort to her. Plus Crystal was adorable when she slept. The routine was broken one day about a month into the lockdown, though nobody was really paying attention to what day it was anyway. Gigi had been awake for no more than an hour when she started to miss Crystal, so she gave her a call. Crystal didn’t pick up. Gigi called again, just in case Crystal had her phone on silent, but she was met with no answer. Instead, she was sent a text, a text which really didn’t explain anything. At all.

CRYstal: hey !!! sorry can’t pick up rn but i promise u i will call in like an hour or two ???? speak to u soon love !!!! <3

It was unusual for Crystal to miss out on a call - she was usually the one to be ringing Gigi. What could she even be doing? Gigi needed a distraction, something to pass the time instead of sitting and waiting. That was when she realised she hadn’t worn any makeup in weeks, so she sat herself down and started on a full face - the process of doing her makeup always calmed her down, so it was a welcome distraction. Just as she finished, her phone began ringing. She didn’t have to check to see who it was. 

“Hi! Sorry I didn’t answer before I was kinda busy” Gigi was speechless. A pixelated Crystal was beaming at her from her phone screen. And she had green hair now. This is why she didn’t pick up? The bitch was dyeing her hair? It did look really pretty though. Like, really, really pretty.

“Quarantines really getting to you that much huh?” Gigi decided against gushing about Crystal’s new hair - that would be giving her what she wanted.

“Do you like it?” She loved it. Adored it. 

“It’s nice” 

“That’s all you’re going to say?”

“Needy are we?” That shut her up. She changed the topic in an instant. 

“So... you look really pretty today!”

That night, the girls fell back into their easy routine. It had been hours since she first saw it, but Gigi couldn’t keep her eyes off of Crystal and her new look. It really suited her. It just felt so utterly Crystal. The green haired girl was in the middle of a long rant about how One DIrection “are definitely planning a reunion really really soon” when Gigi had to stop her.

“I fucking love your hair, Crys” She blushed at the out-of-the-blue compliment.

“Really? I thought it was just nice?” Gigi shook her head.

“I was teasing, of course I love it. It suits you so much, you look beautiful” She was smiling ear to ear. Crystal loved it when Gigi gushed over her like this. It made her feel like there could be something there, like this was more than friends bored in quarantine.

“Thanks,” Crystal paused for just a moment before her face lit up “Oh my God, you should do something to your hair too!” Gigi hated that idea, and shook her head affectionately at the girl's adorable excitement. She felt slightly bad when she told her that she would be caught dead before doing anything to her hair - she loved the deep brown colour it had always been, and was happy with how the length framed her face. Crystal however, was incessant. Gigi was surprised when she found herself telling Crystal that she’d “think about” changing her hair up. 

Saying this was a huge mistake. Crystal reminded her every other hour that she had to dye it or cut it or just do something, and it drove Gigi insane. It took her all but two days to finally cave in - it irked her that Crystal had this much power over her. She wanted to do something shocking, something that would shut Crystal up about her damn hair for good. So she shaved it. 

She did it when Crystal fell asleep after a particularly heated debate about her hair (the second of the night) and Gigi hung up to get to work on it. To call it an impulse decision wasn’t perhaps the most accurate, seeing as though she had been bugged about it for a solid 48 hours, but waking up that morning, Gigi hadn’t expected that all her hair would be gone by the time she went to sleep. Once she had finally bitten the bullet, it took her an hour to admit that she actually kind of liked the look - plus it was fun to touch. 

When Crystal called her that morning, Gigi took a moment to herself before answering. She hadn’t told her about the change in her appearance and hoped she would like it, or at least be pleased that Gigi finally listened to her. She took a breath and picked up, feigning confidence with a casual “morning!”. She watched Crystal’s eyes go wide and her hands cover her mouth. Gigi acted oblivious.

“What's up? Is there someone behind me or something?” She looked at her screen and patiently waited until Crystal composed herself - she was used to her staring anyway. When Crystal finally spoke, she was practically squealing out a string of compliments. Apparently, she loved it. 

“Are you keeping it like that? Please say you’re keeping it like that, it's so hot” Gigi wasn’t sure if she would grow it out, but after Crystal had said that, it was an easy decision.

“I guess I’ll keep it then. Just for you”

--

Crystal loved being so open with Gigi, and she really appreciated how close they had gotten during lockdown - but she really just needed today off. She had woken up one morning with a feeling of dread that she couldn’t quite place, and a persistent headache. This was going to be a bad day, but she was used to bad days. She ignored Gigi’s calls and sent no follow up text. She could speak to Gigi later. Right now, she was just going to go back to sleep. 

So that's what she did. She woke up in the late afternoon and finally dragged herself out of bed to make some food in the evening. When she got back to the safety of her bed, she was still tired. And she kind of felt like crying. So she cried. Sometimes, especially on bad days, Crystal’s mind could get the best of her, she had learned to just let herself get all her feelings out when she got like this - bottling them up had only ever made them worse. This was when Gigi called for the millionth time that day, her texts had become concerned, then angry, then concerned again. Crystal felt like she owed an explanation, so with bloodshot eyes and a puffy red face, Crystal finally picked up.

“Ugh finally! You haven’t spoken to me all day I- what’s wrong?” Crystal felt a ping of guilt at Gigi’s initial response to her answering. Had she really kept her waiting all day? It felt silly, like an unreasonable excuse, but deep down Crystal knew what was good for her. She also didn’t know how to answer Gigi’s question. She was starting to regret picking up, having Gigi see her like this - god, she must have looked a mess.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have picked up. I'm probably bringing the mood down” She saw Gigi’s features become impossibly softer at that.

“Hey, no, it's ok. We don’t have to talk about it, but we can if you want to. But you’re not hanging up. And neither am I. If it means I sit in complete silence with you for the next few hours then so be it” 

This was when Crystal knew Gigi was a keeper. Whether whatever they had going on would continue, or whether they would return to strictly just friends, Gigi was someone she needed to keep in her life. They eventually started talking, first it was about how Gigi’s day went - Crystal didn’t feel like speaking much, but once she warmed up to seeing that all-familiar smile, she felt comfortable enough to start to open up. They talked for hours. Crystal cried. Gigi cried (though not as much). 

“I just wish I could be there to help, or at least give you a hug or something, god this sucks” Crystal saw this as an opportunity to lighten the mood.

“As if you would settle for just a hug” Crystal winked pitifully and Gigi laughed, but didn’t disagree. 

Of course one chat didn’t fix Crystal’s problems, but at least now she had someone in her corner - and that was half the battle.

--

It didn’t take the pair very long to fall back into their rhythm, feeling closer and more comfortable with each other, their feelings getting stronger as each day passed on. Crystal found herself falling back into the habit of sitting silent, and admiring the girl on her screen.

“You’re staring.” Gigi told her. Crystal hummened in agreement.

“You’re pretty”

It was normal for the pair to bounce words like pretty, and beautiful, and gorgeous between them. It was as if they both knew exactly how the other felt - like it was completely unspoken and yet so obvious. And maybe it was.

Two months into lockdown, Gigi was really starting to miss physical contact - she was starting to feel a thrill when she made eye contact with strangers on her way to her weekly shop, she was getting desperate. It was brought up with Crystal.

“I just miss human contact. I want to hold a hand. I want someone to hug me. I want a kiss! Oh my god I miss kissing.” Crystal felt herself blushing at the mention of kissing (kissing Gigi, nonetheless). She would give anything to see Gigi right now, to be close to her.

“When this is over, I’ll kiss you, don’t even worry about it” Crystal was only half joking. GIgi went red, but tried to act as if the thought of Crystal kissing her didn’t phase her at all.

“Oh will you now?”

“I’m not kidding”

“Well. I’d very much like that Miss Methyd” Gigi gave in, she refused to play hard to get with someone who she had fallen so hard for. She just hoped Crystal would stick to her word.

--

Summer was halfway through when lockdown was lifted. The instant the announcement was made, Crystal phone pinged - it wasJan, and she suddenly felt a wave of deja vu from when the lockdown started.

JANtastic: GUYSSSSSS i’ve missed you so much PLEASE say y’all are free to meet? Like right now?!?! 

JANtatsic: Jackie’s already with me so, she’s down too :))

CRYstal: i’ve missed you too !!! i’m free to meet!

goodegirl: me too !!

The group reunited within an hour, Crystal shed some happy tears, and Gigi laughed as she wiped them for her. It was nice to be with her, to be able to stand next to each other. But it also felt odd - like something had shifted now that they were right in front of each other. So for the rest of summer, the girls shared lingering glances and awkward smiles, too scared to make an official move.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Curious, why do you ship kiribaku? Like that ship just feels out of place compared to the dynamic in your other ships, I would've thought that bakudeku had more of the same dynamic?

As to why I don’t ship bakudeku I’ve written 2 essays about it here and here.

I.. I just don’t know what you mean by the same dynamic, seriously. Like a rival thing? Because Sousuke and Rin are also rivals and I don’t ship them. I wish ppl would look past pushing each other into the ground thing because it not a “dynamic”. Because I’ve seen ppl making post like “I guess I have a type” and there is Bakugou holding Midoriya by the throat and Nezumi holding Shion by the throat… I’m like… those ships have nothing at common at fucking all.

Like every ship has completely different pasts which put them in different perspectives. There’re different rules for different ships depending on characters and their environment. I mean, some ships are so sick that rules don’t apply to them, because they’re both sadomasochistic and if they love it like that, it’s their choice tbh, I’m not here to judge.

It’s not like bakudeku didn’t know each other, were sent to kill each other and then were forced to work together like akuatsu, so this violence doesn’t make sense here (and pls don’t say he hits means he loves). Things like “you should jump out of the window” would be like okay and funny to say in ships like soukoku. But when you’re like this with a person who is so good to you that’s just sad in my opinion. 

But actually my ships kinda do have same dynamics. It’s about finding that one special person who is “an exception” for them and they change and grow bc he makes them want to do this, a person who makes them feel like no one else can, make them do things they thought were stupid before and makes them a better version of themselves.

Like Midorima never trusted anyone the way he trusts Takao, and Takao is the only one who will get a 500$ fucking toy from him. And only for him Midorima would’ve risked being laughed at by borrowing a book for his bae. Midorima would never do it for anyone else, it’s just not the way he is.

Haru would never be where he is now if it wasn’t for Rin. Haru is not the kind of person who would go to another continent on a last minute notice, there would be no road to any world and no ume xD, Haru didn’t even have any dream until that little shit came. Rin pushes him out of his shell and makes him do crazy things that he very much enjoys.

Nezumi taught Shion how to feel, Yato as we know lately admitted that Yukine is so precious to him, he’s the only one he can’t live without in his 2000 years, like I can continue, but you do get the idea. For Kirishima rules do not apply. And Midoriya is not Bakugou’s special person. Not to mention that their dynamic hasn’t even changed after 4 seasons, while Kirishima could right now dress Bakugou in a pink apron and bake pancakes with him. Which is another thing that’s very important to me (not baking puncakes together lol, character progression).

Like even if I close my eyes on all of the beating up and insults which I can’t but IF I could… it’s still stupid. Like imagine if Rinharu grew up but their relationships still were on this stage:

Or remember Mika (who same as Midoriya were a fucking angel when they were children) tries to make friends with super grumpy Yuu who just doesn’t want any of this shit and annoyed by him:

but now imagine that Yuu has stayed this way and instead of opening up to Mika, would be hitting him and saying he’s a disgrace to a society for all of their lives? Like that would be dumb, seriously. 

Both on the left have a low self-esteem and think that their other half is much more amazing than them, but are still capable of giving them all the love. They changed, bc that’s what you do when you want somebody to stay with you, you can’t diss on someone constantly and expect them to stay with you. 

Which brings us to that twist: if Bakugou tries so hard for Kirishima, it means that he needs him and cares about him much more than he cares about his pride. He learns how to say “thank you” because Kirishima is so happy after hearing that; he accepts Kirishima touching him, because he actually wants that; he wears a costume with roses and actually ask him to be his plus one, because he knows that he will be happier if Kirishima is with him; he learns to say complementary speeches, because he can’t handle hearing a person he loves dissing himself, etc…

And seriously, we all love the cheerful one/grumpy one dynamic. But it must me written right. Maybe I’d consider it even with the lack of development if Midoriya wouldn’t lose all his dignity with Bakugou, but I just seriously don’t like this, I hate this. And it’s not even funny like in a ships who always insult each other you know in a hilarious way. It’s literally just one side abusing the other who’s like “t-t-thanks”. Mmmm… no thanks.

And you know I’m not that part of tumblr who calls every fucking ship abusive, like to the point when somebody just grabbed someone’s hand too tight. The part who thinks that the relationships should be like “look he can’t even get mad at him, he loves him so” and I’m like… yeah, they can only softly argue while drinking tea and have sex in missionary position. 

And I’m like really tired of people throwing the word “abusive” everywhere for no reason. Like Nezumi threatens Shion with a knife… omg should we call the police. Haru probably broke his spine when Rin pushed him into the fence, that’s such an abuse. Levi wanted to make a bloody cutlet from Eren in the court to enjoy eating it for lunch. It’s getting crazy sometimes in my asks. And usually when people don’t know how to prove their ship, they go “it’s abusive” so this word lost it’s meaning to me when it comes to shipping tbh.

But… I just gotta say that Midoriya and Bakugou dynamic really makes me sad all the time. For the same reason as Dazai and Akutagawa’s (I just don’t find it funny… the hanging up on him scene made me wanna puke and the part when Dazai “complimented” Akutagawa is also not funny to me). It’s just wrong on so many levels. I don’t want to see no Midoriya, no Akutagawa like this. This “admiration” is so not worthy all that humiliation. It’s cringey to watch. But even more in BNHA bc while I dislike Dazai, Bakugou is my second favorite in the anime and watching him behaving himself like this hurts me too.

And like bakudeku don’t even have one moment that would melt my heart. Like tell me a good reason to ship them. I can’t find it.

As to why I ship Kiribaku, it’s a too long long LOOONG of a story. I mean, have you seen them? Have you seen how amazing they are because of each other? Did you ever think that the fact that Bakugou attends social event, being as polite as he can, “makes new friends”, contains himself when Kirishima tells him to calm down, trying to tolerate people more, etc. that we owe it all to Eijirou? So basically every moment when you’re like “look Bakugou didn’t hit Midoriya in the face yay bakudeku”, you can thank Kirishima for it.

Also I just recently realized that Kirishima was the only person Bakugou has called by his name, when he was scared for him. And my heart was crying for like two hours.

P.S. This post I made clearly shows how kiribaku fits all my other ships.

[zoegmiller]

if you fall into a hole where no one can find you

the pain in your shoulder every morning reminds you how old you are, how little money you make, how little progress you’ve made,

and how ungrateful you are for all your blessings, which are so, so many

you could call your psych and ask for xanax. even though the fear of her saying no, the embarrassment of having asked for something you weren’t allowed to have, that you should’ve known you weren’t allowed to have, fills you with this insurmountable dread somehow worse than the original feeling

i think she would say no?

but i’ve never asked

i just assume everyone will say no to everything

dumb bitch who has a psych in the first place what are you crying about

the desire to strike yourself and the embarrassment you feel at convincing yourself that is performative, even if you don’t tell anyone, you’re still just doing it to get attention

shake it off, shake it off

you can deal with any one thing, literally any one thing

but once it’s two watch out, doesn’t even matter what, they will crush you, compact into a hard ball in your stomach and make you sick

punishing yourself because the things that upset you are so insignificant

just shape up

you can give permission for anyone to feel any way about themselves, you can feel happy for anyone who’s doing what they need to do, except yourself

i used to want ppl to do terrible things to me. slap me. kneel on my neck. scratch my face. make me cry. draw out pain i couldn’t feel in my brain because i was too young and stupid to understand why i felt the way i felt. now i’m happy, i’m old, i have a good life, and i don’t want those things any more. i reflect on them like, ‘how fucked up was i, wow, i’m so much happier now’ which is simultaneously true x1000% and yet i can’t think of a time when i felt as consciously, tangibly horrible as the waves that sometimes hit me nowadays. was it worse when i let people kick me?

i think about those pages in the middle of my lesbian experience with loneliness every single time this happens. even thinking about it now, my heart rate calms, knowing that someone else was/is stuck in the exact same pit

i’m breathing again, so that’s nice

how do you convince yourself you have a good life? how do you make it stick?

you get upset about finances and you say ‘i know this is as much my fault as yours’ and still she gets defensive. what can you do? you don’t want to blame her for anything. you want her to be happy too. but how can you not think that in less than a year this will not be enough money

why are you writing this, in an hour you’ll completely forget what it was like to feel this way

because of this shit paradox of wanting to be left alone but wanting someone to take care of you, of wanting to scream when nobody’s around, but secretly wanting somebody to be around

i’m sorry to anyone actually reading this. i want to go back to reblogging cute things, posting smut, feeling like i have a presence. i hate being a downer, but the only way i can think to calm myself down is putting something out into the void

i hope i didn’t make anyone sick. i’ll be okay

[celestialallstars]

Episode 11: “The odds are against me but I’m gonna make it....” - Loris

FUCK YOU MATT. FUCK YOU JACK. FUCK YOU STEPHEN. FUCK THIS CAST. YALL LYING ASS HOES SUCK MY FUCKING NIPPLES

Right now, I've got a mixture of feelings. On one end, I guess the tribal showed were some people's loyalties lie, but on the other I couldn't help but feel like it was a bit much. Like everybody in this game has literally lied and like I don't know, I understood Jack and Matt's frustration but it was a big yikes to see it get so tense and everyone get worked up. Like had my laptop not shut off, I would have likely snapped tonight and I think I'm seeing the good and the bad of things right now and it's just...a mess. Not to mention the 8 man alliance couldn't get it together until the 11th hour.

Fuck. Fucking fuck. Matt is finally gone, and this time we pulled it all off to keep him until Jared fucking pulled out an idol. How did he even know it was gonna be Chloe anyways? Man. I can't help but wonder if he wouldn't have played it had Matt and I shut our mouths but I think he would've anyways. I couldn't help myself, I couldn't let him lie again in public about that I had to expose him. Now he's got no idol, he's got few allies (I think), he's totally vulnerable and I pray to god we get him in the next 2 rounds.

It just occurred to me that I had a part in the chaos tonight. Stephen was already worried about the vote, but if I don't talk to Jack/Mitch then none of the last minute plan to vote Chloe happens I feel or gains as much momentum, then half the craziness that happened tonight at tribal does not happen at all....I saved Steph but at the cost of seemingly having Jared cost his game.

________________________________________________________________

I'm really drained at the moment between the school stuff and this game and now Jared claims my name was around for this round, or at least it was Bryce's plan. It did not phase me because I already wanted to go against Bryce/Zach but now it at least gives me another reason. AS of all of the craziness, my gut told me to try and stick it out with Michael/Chloe. I believe that between Rhys/Bryce/Zach's sketchiness, Jack just being himself, and Loris, I'd rather just try things out with the others. At this point, I'm kind of over a lot of the BS that people keep trying to sell. Having that said, I firmly believe that things need to get outted tomorrow unless we attempt a full on blindside.

I keep checking my messages as though someone wants to talk to me. Spoiler alert: they don’t.

Sooooo YESTERDAY WAS A DAY!

It started off so simple, Matt seemed to be the target for the majority alliance and Michael/Chloe didn't seem very interested in keeping him around. So I came up with a scheme that I think may have tied into someone else's scheme. But I didn't know it at the time. ANYWAYYYYY...

Matt's going home, but I don't want to vote him. Why? Because I wanna strengthen my relationship with Jack, so I approach both of them to talk about things and figure out who they're voting for. Matt was very antagonistic and I figured out this is because he heard I was saying his name, which was true! I get them to say a name they'd rather have taken out, and it's Chloe. Sure. Me and Chloe barely talk tbh. So I essentially go around getting pissy about wanting to vote Chloe instead of Matt to my alliance because I need to sell it anddddddd........

They... Want to vote her out? SKDJSKDKSKSKSKSKAKSK

Ummmm this wasn't the plan! Everyone except Loris and Jared want to do it. Okay. Whatever. I'm too deep in now to flip back, sorry Chloe!

THEN JARED PLAYS THE IDOL SKSKDKDMSKSKSKSKSSM

Ok but why didn't you use that idol to save Mitch hm?

Sketchy bitch.

Soooo I hear afterwards that Zach and Bryce had a chat with Jack and Matt and apparently they might have wanted to vote Chloe anyway????? But then why let the vote be Matt for the entire day? When we all would've voted Chloe if they just said her name originally? And now Jared also has a chat with Chloe and Michael? Worst allies ever.

Idk Zach and Bryce are sketchy and I've known that since the Mitch vote. Maybe they should watch their backs in the near future ......

First off I was SO happy for Loris! It would have been nice to immunity, but I know with all of the distracting things I had for the day that I did good with the few hours I had. This makes me wonder if it will continue a trend I see in a lot of orgs where I begin to place in the top 4 a lot in the late game. Only time shall tell. Going into this tribal, I for once feel great. Making a new alliance with Loris/Michael/Chloe/Jared all the while keeping Stephen in the loop. I'll still smile and wave in the 13th, three kings, literally any other chat but as far as I'm concerned, I'm ridding my hands of that. Hope its not too early to feel good (it is)

________________________________________________________________

So I did some thinking and for a bit I had a feeling me or Bryce would get 10th. This was just because Karth came in 20th and Kori in 15th, which had to mean one of us would come in 10th and the other in 5th. Time to see how accurate this prophecy is

Day 25......... gross. So disregarding the challenge because yikes the whole game seems to be flipped on and the best part is that I don’t put myself forward as a target and Jared and Chloe are seen as this tight duo so I expect them to be targeted over myself. However chris and loris both expressed disappointment in how the game has been progressing and Bryce and zach both came to me to strategise so hopefully I’m in some sort of power position in the game however chris has pulled this before where he’s so sad he didn’t get his way and so disappointed and nothing has changed so right now my focus is on how to get myself forward in the game with hopefully more to come and Bryce will hopefully be eliminated this round.

Soooooo I had to abstain from the challenge for work but that's okay. I don't think I'm the target anyway.

The biggest news is that Jared has added onto his old group of Chloe and Michael to create a new majority. One that is planning to overthrow the old one in the near future. Based on what Chris has told me, the additions are himself and Loris.

The issue is, based on what Jared has told me, that Loris wants to wait one more round before locking things down. I see why he'd want to do this. Jack could easily slip through the cracks of the impending majority vs. majority war and that puts him within reach of an easy win at FTC in my opinion.

Jack might actually go home unanimously if things keep up like this. It'd be sad, because I just really started putting work into my relationship with him recently, but it really doesn't seem worth it when, even if I save him, I'll likely be targeting him within 2 or 3 rounds anyway. Cyrena? More like, sayonara.

Of course, if last vote is any indication, this can all change in a couple of minutes! So who the fuck knows. There's still 3 hours until tribal and if I can convince the 5 in power to pull their move now I wouldn't mind it at all.

hi!! ok so like... I won immunity??? and it was a creative challenge???? I’m so shocked and proud of myself I rlly tried to snap and things went wrong but I still SNAPPED!!! and now I made single digits oh my god!!! like... 9th or above I’m so happy with but of course I’m gonna win anyways. so. I suggested an alliance with me chloe Chris michael Jared to Chris and Jared and now it’s a real thing and like.. we just need to get people to vote jack for themselves and then we can run the game perry add. That could be a serve. I genuinely feel like I’m in a rather good spot this game I don’t think anyone should want to vote me out except stephen  maybe??  jack is hard to read because I’m not sure he talks To that many people ... idk... also oh my god so I just need to survive 3 more tribals and then I can play my legacy.... and like I’ll be so proud of myself if I get to do that. both seasons I find the legacy in round one(?) and I manage to hold onto it until the final six both times ?? like.. the odds are against me but Im gonna make it....

girl idk. i feel in danger because of lack of talk. everyone wants jack out. id prefer chloe. the only votes we can get are bryce, rhys, jack and myself. loris is dumb. HE WONT idk. jareds legit playin super well and good for him but ppl needa wake up and start knockin off his +1’s so hes easier to take out in the future. but who cares. these people are gonna end up lettin like jared or chris win .. and good. i suppose they deserve it.

im just super tired. partly due to this game but partly because of irl factors... so i just cant go chaotic. its so fun but soooo draining, and its hard when everyone leaks things and jared wants to be dumb and idol. it wasnt dumb. im petty. its real dumb.

im just trying to get ppl on my side but it seems so hard NNNN so . we’ll see

My names going round again 🤠

Ever since I played the idol on Chloe (which was indeed an in the moment decision), I feel a lot better about my spot in the game.

I revealed basically everything to Chris. There was very little that I left out. I told him about the F2 with Bryce, and my motivations behind every decision so far.

Sometimes overbearing trust comes out of overbearing promises. I still need someone to have my back no matter what, so being open with Chris was necessary. I still will try my best to keep Bryce in the game. I need them to war with each other because it will be a long term buffer for me. In terms of F3 plans, I'm not sure. I have options between Chris, Rhys, Chloe, Michael, Stephen, and Loris. I wouldn't mind staying true and taking Bryce as far as I can, but eventually his number will be up and I think that will be better for my chances to win anyways.

Today I finally pulled the trigger and Chris and I put together this 5some of him, Chloe, Michael, Loris, and myself called "starpower."

I will have to be cheeky with Chris to stay in a better spot than him, because he doesn't have strict promises with Bryce as far as I know.

Tonight Jack will go home which was Loris' call. I think it's fine because either way next round Stephen will want a big target out and he needs me to make it happen. I want that target to be on Zach, because I think Zach is the current frontrunner to win, and I think voting him will suit Stephen.

With that being said, it will take a smooth game from hear on out to not be a total goat. I'll try my best.

Feeling very strange about this vote. It's another sort of last minute vote, we've all kind of agreed to do a hard reset and vote Chloe again, but now that I've seen one idol play I can't help but feel like there's another coming, and this time it'd directed towards me potentially. I think I'm gonna propose possibly splitting votes just to cover our bases, because I do feel like Jared and Chloe are now gonna want to target me for no reason other than it's convenient.

If someone idols Jack tonight I’m gonna scream 🤡

So, I wanted Chloe gone this round, because I'm scared she will just float through this game and take a spot at the end. Which is exactly what is happening this vote. People want Jack instead so here we go. Haven't been too active so couldn't have gotten the numbers. Sad times.

Hi so the vote seems to be on  jack which is a little bit anti climatic because everyone was like let’s make a move and then boom jack goes like I thot we were going after bryce zach or rhys but I guess not? Anyway I hope im not being played by bitches right now and people stick to their words. Or at least vote jared/Chloe out

________________________________________________________________

The thing that makes me most nervous going into tribal is that it makes strategic sense for Stephen not to vote with us and instead vote out Jared who’s a far bigger threat than Jack but hopefully the fear of a tie will mean that he makes it 6 and I hope he realises that I’m ok with going against Jared sksksksksk.

THIS game is so sad liek nothing i want happens ppl are just not wanting to do what i want and thats so unlike my first season KJFHDASKJ i just want total control and someone to run the game with but jared is so annoying and is trying to work with the ppl who will vote him out bc hes such a big threat like girl pls just let me have my way and i wont cut u at 4th! im still fuming over the idol play like who does he think he is playing it without letting me know thats all i ask i literally feel pathetic trying to work with him when he clearly has chris/loris/chloe interests ahead of me

________________________________________________________________

Jack is voted out 8-1-1. He becomes the third member of our jury.

Watch Jack’s exit interview take place below:

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode #11: “I Love a Good Heist” ~ Will

It fucking worked and I want to redact everything bad I just said.

i'm none of them saying anything to me yet and I'm also me not seeing this coming when Will was all of a sudden not in favor of the telling duncan to idol plan lmaoooo gg

is no one going to message me!! i am so freaking upset right now and i kinda just want to explode but really no one is going to try to justify themselves to me, i'm a little disappointed tbh and i got to learn how to win a fucking immunity for once 

AMANDA AND HER MOTHER ARE ICONS I JUST GOT MY SECOND IDOL, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS

I'm so mad right now I want to SCREAM, why the HECK did I get that many votes, something isn't adding up and I'm just so frustrated. Also who made me the glee parchment, if you're reading this TELL ME it was the only thing good about tonight I am really just SO DONE WITH ALL THESE SNAKES. I'm being so extra right now but these people make me want to throw my laptop into the road. 

Cameron told Emily to vote Duncan :) We love a snake within our alliance :) I love a good heist :)

emily is a queen again btw, I love her

i don't know why i'm so salty

HOLY CRAP WE DID THAT! Duncan didn't play his idol and I'm literally crying. We killed one of the biggest threats in the game. And I was behind it. What. the. fuck.

fskhjf god the lady at the dining hall asked me how i was and on the outside i was like "good" but on the inside im like "playing virtual editions ofr trash reality shows on the internet with strangers I have never met has left me feeling like i want to cry bc ppl lied to me have u ever been lied to how did u get over it and also can i please have some chicken nuggets" jesus and then someone talked to me and i didnt know how to respond bc i was having an EPISODE in the dining hall it's fine this is fine ________________________________________________________________ let the ass kissing begin

I'm gonna confess tomorrow, but I have become aware.... of some shady stuff, and am now in a really good spot... or at least I think I am

OH MY GAWD NO IDOL PLAY. ARE YOU MCFUCKIN KIDDING ME!? I dont want to say that I am large in part why Duncan is @ Ponderosa right now BUT WIG WOW IS THIS THE BIGGEST MOVE IVE EVER MADE IN A GAME OR WHAT. ALSO i'm here for weasel discourse: [1/11/18, 10:48:07 PM] Dana Barry: because clearly we both bein sneaky weasels [1/11/18, 10:48:54 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): kfashj who the bigger weasel [1/11/18, 10:49:01 PM] Dana Barry: OWEN PLEASE [1/11/18, 10:49:12 PM] Dana Barry: LETS NOT COMPARE WEASEL SIZES [1/11/18, 10:49:15 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): OMFG [1/11/18, 11:12:14 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): I’m gonna go eat now I’ll be back later [1/11/18, 11:31:53 PM] Dana Barry: pls eat my weasel friend ________________________________________________________________ https://vine.co/v/hWVwWE6UFqa/embed/simple Me when the people of this game give my dumb ass power and I crave more because I'm a goblin. 

This was recorded before the vote im SORRY im a flop 

It's time to strike at Owen. He's onto us. We're making big moves left and right, and he knows that we're going to get targeted as threats soon if we're not careful. He said we have to get rid of Ruthie and Kevin, otherwise people are going to start thinking about taking them to the end. Of course, that's my plan. I think I want to sit with Ruthie and Ali/Dana at the end. Will, Emily, or Owen would surely beat me. I'm here, masterminding moves, deciding whether or not someone easy goes home, and someone is going to target me soon. My idol can only save me for one round, and I need to make sure it's a good one. Lily was a good move. Duncan was a better move. Owen could potentially be the best move. Then I know my core four is completely loyal to me and only me. This is my ideal boot list now: Owen (10th) Ashvika (9th) Kevin (8th) Zach (7th) Emily (6th) Will (5th) Dana (4th) And then a final three of Ruthie (3rd), Ali (2nd), and myself (1st!) That's all. Love you. It's time for me to go focus on winning again.

Boy I'm mad. Duncan was the one person who I could put some trust in--and even then there wasn't much--and now he's dead. Now I feel like my game's already gone through the gutter and there's no hope left. Shoutout to Ali and Cameron specifically for both telling me "Oh yeah I'm sorry for not keeping you in the loop at the first vote, I promise I'll do it this time?" Then, what did they do? Not that. I'm...mediocrely okay with Ali because like Ali's nice and a sweetheart (actually I'm kinda mad at Ali because I pm'd him asking what happened like immediately after tribal and he never responded even though he's talked multiple times in the tribe chat...wig). But Cameron??? This is the third time. We've voted together once, at the Madison tribal, even though you've told me multiple times you want to work with me. I was okay with being 'left in the dark' with the Lily vote because I wasn't actually in the dark. I feel like this was a chance for him to prove his word to me, that you do want to work with me. This was the chance to make or break my trust. And both times I've come to him before the vote and he's basically said 'oh yeah it's still this way like we said haha.' And then??? It isn't lmao. Like if you don't want to work with me, cool! I understand that the game rolls out that way! But don't come to me with fake promises then, saying you want to work with me, only to actually vote with me 3/4 times. At some point no amount of apologies will make up for your actions. I don't know if I've reached that breaking point, but it's getting close. I get that I started the merge on the wrong foot, and that I should've voted Lily instead and sticking with Ruthie was a mistake. I know I got myself into this mess but I'm just annoyed and frustrated. I've been perfectly honest with everyone about who I'm voting for each round, and I get silence and vague responses in return. If I feel mad enough tomorrow I might try going for Cameron since he has an idol. Or at least like throwing his name around and spilling that fact. But who knows who knows he has an idol though. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I might get home which I honestly wouldn't be super upset at this point and I would get to be a bitter juror too! 

I love Dana

I am an Owen stan again too, I love him. I need to confess more, because it might be big move season this round, but I also don't knowwwwwww. AHH, I hate this yikes. I just get scared by Dana/Will/Cameron as a grouping, with Zach and Ruthie is already 5, which is scary

i have realized i'm quite irrelevant in this game and basically out of the loop without duncan because all these supposed idols that everyone has keep popping up left and right. i feel like my time is coming soon 

"Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" literally they wish they were as relevant as me huh ________________________________________________________________ Actually though, I am going to make sure every one of these comes true. Let's see here.... "Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" Flipping on my alliance? Easy. If they insist, that's what I'll do. I will reallllly make it clear that they were right in trusting me the least :) And! They'd better hope! They take me out! For being a "threat" because if they do NOT, I am going to make sure each and everyone one of them is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They better not feel comfortable for even one second bc if there's one good thing to come out of this, it's that I no longer feel comfortable at all and hopefully me playing on edge will end up better for me. I just had an hour long call with Ali and we basically like....discussed everything. I don't know if I can trust him, but I sure as hell can't trust my alliance to take me to the end, so what have I got to lose? I told him I know about his idol, which I think was a move to hopefully get him to open up to me. And he told me that the merge idol has been taken from the shore. I'm assuming Emily, Ashvika, Cameron, or Ruthie have it bc they searched there before Ali. Ashvika I straight up asked and she said no.... I have a bad feeling Cameron is sitting on two idols rn and I don't know if I can handle it. But I was like.... idk I said a lot of things to Ali and I meant them. He said he felt like he didnt have a number one, and I told him we could be there for each other. He has a spot in my final three now whether he believes it or not and I would gladly sit at the end with him at this point. But we need numbers and we need a play. It feels so soon to try to flip on will dana Cameron but like..... If we wait until next vote to idol someone out, and Ruthie/Zach are glued to them, then at final 8 it would be four on each side (assuming I can get emily and ashvika to be with ali and I, and Kevin leaves at 10 which idek if it is happening). So that makes me think like....okay so maybe a move needs to happen at 10 that puts Kevin, Emily, Ali, Ashvika and I in a majority? But it's so fricking risky bc idk if they're going to come after me or come after Kevin or Emily or....idk. It's going to be rough as hell. But I'm ready. I don't know if I'm going to win this season, but I sure am going to try my hardest to change it. ________________________________________________________________ (On the other hand I love Dana, Wil, Cameron, and Zach as people so idk I'm stressin mad rn.)

Here's my long confessional like always explaining the events of last round and then the progress for this current round. So last round was just a mess. I brought up to Dana the night of immunity results (congrats Will you freak) that Duncan is a threat. He has an immunity idol and a hideout advantage, if we don't do it at 11, he'll be free till technically final 8 without being targeted. In addition, it limits our options down the line. Dana agreed and said it wasn't bad, and ended up running to people with this idea without crediting me. Grrr. It's fine. Dana, Will, Cameron all excluded Owen in this plan and I believe think they orchestrated it themselves when in reality it was kind of my idea but they pushed it forward so it's whatever. I called Emily in panic because I didn't want to exclude her and little do I know that Cameron already informed her of the decision before I finalized mine. In the end, Duncan leaves 8-3. Post-vote, I am trying to reestablish any trust I have with Ashvika. I can sense she doesn't trust me which is completely reasonable and fine, but I am wanting to work with her. Kevin is irrelevant but I want to talk to him and form a good connection with him. Now, this vote. Cameron was my target. Will talked about how he wanted Cameron out to Dana who obviously relayed that information to me, and I think Owen was fine with doing it too. I am also trying to formulate connections with Owen despite the fact that he knows I blatantly lied about the Duncan vote and all. However, Cameron won immunity, so good job to him. This means that my target probably shifts to one of two people. First is Kevin. He's kind of an easy vote, a person who wasn't really around and is definitely the most inactive. If we need an easy tribal, it's him. Ruthie's another easy vote but right now is not her time and I genuinely love her, but I do enjoy everyone so I can't use that. I'm not sure how likely this option is. I think I could get it rolling if need be. My second is Ali. This is just because recently i've felt really distant with him. I think I can trust him, yeah, but from what I know Owen is fine with him leaving and it's like... yeah. I think Ali should go relatively soon. If the votes are on him i'm most definitely going to vote him out unless i'm frightened of an idol play. I am honestly kind of scared of the alliance consisting of Cameron/Will/Owen/Dana + Ali. It's like... they're turning on each other briefly. Cameron is rubbing people the wrong way, which I love him and all truthfully, but he is kind of aggressive with dominating votes and spearheading decisions, which I think is ending up biting him in the ass. I truly think he'll be one of the next couple of votes. Ali is like the alliance's +1 so if they can vote him out, i'm down with that too. Ashvika, Emily, Ruthie, and Kevin are kind of on the outs of that alliance (with me of course) but more distant than myself. I need to utilize those bonds to kind of renege the major alliance cause I don't feel like being cut near the end. No ma'am. So having Ali leave this vote, then Cameron next vote, followed by Kevin leaves a final 7 of Ashvika/Ruthie/Owen/Zach/Dana/Will/Emily. In this scenario it's like... it gets hard. I want to work with Emily, but there are so many people here that are such strong contenders. Owen, Dana, Will and Emily are all phenomenal players, and i'd love to consider myself amongst those people too (PARTICULARLY IN THIS GAME! NOTICE THAT I LOVE THEM ALL AND THINK THEY'RE ALL GREAT BUT IN THIS SPECIFIC GAME THAT'S MY VIEW ON STANDINGS). I don't want to be goated, which I potentially could be since i'm acting weird and dull this game, so maybe I could swap Kevin in the final seven and drop another big threat, like Ashvika or Owen. The people who I trust the most right now are Dana and Emily. I trust Owen to an extent, and I really like talking to him. Ashvika and Kevin and Ruthie are just meh, I don't trust them. Cameron is to a degree but he's sketchy. Will is just... ugh MSDGLKDSG I love him I think he's so funny but he probably hates me. Ali is trustworthy but I feel like that's relative amongst all. I really don't know who i'd like to sit against in the final three (or two but likely three). I've reached my goal of jury and 100 days so i'm content, but I want to win. I think my best chances would be against Ruthie and Kevin, but I don't know. Dana needs to go soon too. Like, maybe final 4-7 is when i'd love to see her leave because I bet everyone views me as her bitch and sure, I kind of am at the moment, but that's partially strategy. Everyone thinks i'm her +1 so to those that like her, i'm safe. They know they can use me. Then to others, i'm the weaker of the two and therefore they have no valid reason to target me unless they want to weaken her, in which case bye bye. This game is so complicated and votes are NEVER decided until last minute which is bothersome but kind of fun. I think I have a high chance of leaving at this upcoming tribal truly, or at least receiving votes, so i'm excited to see what's to come. Hopefully i'm still here but if now, it's been a great season and i'm glad I got the chance to return and hopefully make y'alls slightly proud wooh!

Okay lots to confess I wish I confessed earlier in the round so I wouldn't have so much to recount. So anyways, the Duncan vote happens, and it still makes me sad. I will never understand why he felt so betrayed by me and kinda continued to throw my name out there because I wanted to go far with him. Also I called with Emily after the vote and I already knew at this point she leaked me idol (which Emily *why*). I dont understand why everyone felt so betrayed by me, when I was trying to loop everyone in? It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I called with her and we seem good again, and I do want to work with her moving forwards. ________________________________________________________________ I spoke with Ashvika and explained why I voted Duncan, and I think she is the person I wanna work with most now, like Id love to go far with her, because I am an Ashvika stan. Touchy Subjects was very interesting, Will guessed me for a lot of the negative game ones which suggests he doesn't have much faith in my game and I got who does everything think has an idol, blind to manipulation, who is gonna need to be apologised to, who is getting blindsided. Lots of very scary ones. So... I'm nervous. I'm also nervous becuase I called with Owen yesterday, and as normal, I said waaay too much to Owen, and while I wanna work with him going forwards, I also think he could easily say what I said to LWD and get me out. ALSO IN OTHER MC'FREAKIN NEWS: I HAVE ANOTHER IDOL. AND NOBODY IS EVER FINDING OUT. I am using the fact that everyone says I leak stuff (because I do) and "leaking" that shore 23 is empty, so that nobody thinks I have it. I wanna use the other idol soon, so nobody thinks I have one teehee

Okay the gag is Duncan and I apparently got found out or were suspected or something so congrats to them for sleuthing successfully but also according to Ali people thought Ashvika and I were close??? Which??? Isn't true??? I hardly even know her??? sjlks Anyways I love these Touchy Subjects answers they make me feel really good about myself. I basically threw the challenge because I didn't feel like I had a good chance of winning anyway, and I'm not really in the position to offend anyone lmao which is evident by the answers. Apparently people trust me the least even tho...I've told pretty much everyone who I'm voting for in the last round. On an exciting note people want to vote for me tonight! At this point just take me out of the game and catapult me into the sun. I'm ready for it. The one person I wanted out of this game won immunity so. I don't know what my plans are but accepting death seems like a good idea right now.

This jury is literally gonna be pissed at everyone so I need to start doing whatever I can to make them think we're close, that we're friends. I'll talk to Kevin about Netflix, I'll tell Ashvika she's a queen, I'll give Owen a backrub idgaf but I need to make sure Cameron looks worse than I do. None of them think Ali's done anything, and Dana...they think she's cracked too. The only person I'm okay with beating me is Dana and that's that.

Something good happening at tribal council? For once there's even a possibility. After chatting with Owen we're trying to start something. Him Ashvika and I all voted for Ruthie last round, so if we stick together that's 3, and we're hoping for at least 5. Our best bets are Emily and Ali. I have no idea if this has a shot of working tbh but I feel like tonight's all or nothing. Unfortunately we can't get Cameron. I tossed around Dana or Zach's names to Owen but like, whoever Ali and Emily (or whoever we can get) want to vote, we'll vote. I don't know how solid the majority alliance is, or who's in cahoots with who, so this is a very...fragile, could-break-at-any-moment plan. If there's any way of convincing these two, the Touchy Subjects answers show that they're not safe if they stick with that side. Time to actually talk to them though and see what's up tho ahhhh ________________________________________________________________ I told Ali Duncan said Dana said Cameron had an idol. Ali revealed that he voted for Duncan because he was telling people Ali told him about the idol. Ali then said to me "I knew he was covering for someone it must be Dana." The gag is I honestly don't know if it was actually Dana skdkdkf I remember her name in the conversation we had but like??? But if it convinces Ali then it works for now

Why did I put Owen to be blindsided by his alliancE? bc I’m his alliance And I’m gonna blindside him

So Owen voted for me not Emily hmmm Maybe he was the one that made the pretty glee voting thing What’s that paper called again? Omg yes parchment 

I’m really scared for this tribal. Owen, Ali, and I have made an alliance and are talking about voting with Kevin and possibly Ashvika. I want to pull in Zach and maybe Dana, but the problem is,,,,, Owen and Ali and Kevin want to vote Dana. I want Dana to stay. I don’t know why. I think I’m just bein gay. I want Will out tbh. And I would’ve wanted Cameron if he wasn’t fucking immune but NO of course I have to be HORRIBLE at tie breakers!!! I’m really shocked by some of the things I got in touchy subjects like wtf man. You’ll enjoy voting me out? You wish you had gotten me out pre-merge? You have to apologize to me after this game? Interesting. This is one of those Touchy Subjects results that I realy wanna take notes about. Usually I don’t take them too seriously but I’m #offended. Ugh I really want to work with Zach but I’m scared of Dana and him being a duo sort of like how Lily and I were a duo I guess? Ugh. I don’t know how to like,,,,, get around that. There’s a lot to figure out about this vote. But I think we can get something going. All I know is that I’m not really feeling like voting for Kevin tonight. ;-) we’ll see what happens

I am LITERALLY a rat and I feel guilty but if this works out then it's fine. I'm fine. Everything will be fine. I need to keep people in this game around me and I'm gonna take heat for it and Cameron might idol me out but like....oh well. ________________________________________________________________ Basically the pieces came together, Emily Ali and I made a chat and we all like fkshd worked on getting Kevin and Ashvika on board. Emily thought she could play a vote negator to make it 5-4 but she cant use it yet SO instead I was like ok I'll try to get them to split the votes somehow and both Will and Dana suggested it anyways kfadsjh lmao so hopefully it's like..... 5-3-2 tonight. I wanted it to be Dana at first bc if it does somehow tie 5-5 I felt like Ruthie would flip and vote Dana but not Will, but maybe now Zach would flip and vote for Will idk probably not. Also I still love Will :'( this game will feel weird without him but he's a huge threat. So is Cameron and Dana tbh like everyone is lowkey trying to press their own agenda and I think they're getting weary of one another but....idk. I feel like I need to do this now bc it'll be me actually taking things into my own hands rather than Kevin leaving and me relying on dana or will wanting Cameron out whenever they decide. I wish Will didn't have to go and if this all blows up on me then fine but like...yeah. god. ppl are gonna be upset with me, wigs all around ! ________________________________________________________________ THE ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER IS CRYING BUT THE DEVIL ON MY SHOULDER IS LAUGHING im so ugly i cant wait for this to go wrong and then ppl laugh at me for being an idiot when they read my confessionals after ________________________________________________________________ Lowkey it seemed too easy to get will and dana to want to split the vote and now Ali has disappeared too? I feel like Ali spilled and now theyre all just gonna vote for me but if thats the case then oh well I was never gonna win without trying to get trust in people

STOP STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT good bye dana barry .

Finally a vote where I know what’s happening and the people that control everything... don’t. I’m excited! My first blindside where I’m on the like... right end? Wow. I love taking matters into my own hands. Will made an Azores alliance and I feel HORRIBLE because I’m voting him out this round lmao. And Cameron made an alliance with Will and Cameron and I just GOD at his is going to be hard because I could be ruining some potential allies... but also... who cares? I’m making a move, y’all! If it doesn’t work out, then so be it. But I’m putting my trust into Owen, Ali, Ashvika, Kevin... people that I really didn’t expect to work with all together but I’m thankful nonetheless. I’m also thinking this group of five is good because Kevin, Ashvika, and Ali will be easier to beat in the end? I think? Idk. I’m trying to think ahead as much as I can, and weakening Cameron & Co. is the first step to that. I feel guilty but this is what I have to do to win. It’s All Stars, Emily! ALL STARS! GET UR HEAD IN THE GAME!

I made an alliance with Will and Emily. I want Will to think he's my #1. He's not. I told them we're winning. We're not. Well... they're not. me: this alliance is winning Me: knows that neither of these two can make it to the end

Kevin is voting me yikes.com. I'm getting idoled out yall and it has been fun. Ashvika and Kevin have idols and I get majority = HELP ME PLEASE AMERICA. I'm on call with ASHVIKA and she says THEY ARE VOTING OUT WILL. WHAT DO I DO PLEASE. AND APPARENTLY IF THEY DONT VOTE FOR WILL THEY ARE VOTING FOR ME. If this is all a scare tactic.... it sure is working!!!! More to come later I have 20 minutes to entirely flip this vote ladies. Mama IS staying tonight know that!

OKAY SO! I voted for Ashvika. Why? Well, two or three reasons. 1. I've voted in the majority. Every time. I can't do that. I will become a target and I want to look like I'm being bobo the fool. 2. If someone (Ashvika) plays an idol on Kevin, it burns her. Also, it protects us (Me, Ali, Dana, Will, but the latter 3 because I'm safe) in the event that someone does idol Kevin. Also, I'm so glad I won immunity. It's a bad time for me personally and this made everything easier. Thank you, survivor gods. Thank you.

kevin and ashvika couldnt keep their mouths shut and now I'm getting idoled out. it's been real xoxoxo

I'm literally about to go home, but at least if I do I was able to crack the code and see it coming first. Kinda like Margaery in GoT, she saw it coming but she was just a little too late to stop it. ________________________________________________________________ Well I mean like I called it so y'all aren't as slick as you thought, there just really wasn't anything I could do. I got outplayed by snakes who were willing to throw away the last ounces of respect I had for them, but like I would've done the same and just been more respectful about it. And if you think writing "I hope it's a tie" in your voting confessional absolves you of anything you gotta like...use your brain sorry, if you don't want someone to go home you don't vote for them - it's not that hard! But it's been a fun game and this isn't the last of me (sorry if you wanted it to be). Cast me in your games more often I'm fun!!! xoxo

Will becomes the 11th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 5-3-2 vote, and the 3rd member of our jury. You can see Will’s preseason interview here.