#already had my psych app this month and i cannot . process this level of fuckery ..

[yeojagroup]

i had a hellish day yesterday from near beginning to end with v brief respites in between to laugh at stupid things,, but it started with someone i don't rly keep in contact with anymore messaging me a voiceclip of me as a minor saying something Completely innocuous like "[redacted], i love you!" and it. flipped me the fuck out because the day before that happened, i was talking to my friends abt sexual predators / groomers lurking around in the online communities we grew up in as unsupervised children with access to the internet... i told this person why even though im sure they meant no harm that it frightened the fuck out me and asked them to delete it + blocked them after. no correlation to what im about to vent about except the fact that i feel like i'm ........ outrunning scooby doo villains and people who dont understand boundaries

and after that i had to drag my ass to another urgent care / doc in the box place to get a steroid shot + more antibiotics because this sinus infection has been taking it's SWEET ass time to clear out and i've been getting so frustrated with myself + my body for not healing as fast as i need or want it to that i've been. very snappy and irritable as a result of the frustration, apologizing for the snappiness, as well as apologizing for not being able to keep up with housework and thanking my parents profusely for helping me certain things. anyway uh ,, i got my dad to take me to the urgent care and bc my mom didn't go with us, i told her what happened during the office visit and. the doctor listened to me breathe, asked if i was a smoker and i was like.. "no..." and then automatically filled in the blanks for me with, "but you live with ppl that do?" so i was like.

yeah ........ and was then told that can make a person more prone to sinus infections. which, like yeah, definitely but the fact that i have an autoimmune disease doesn't help. fast forward to me repeating this, because it's what i was told and im . communicating how i could get better and my mom is immediately like, "oh, so because ur brother and i smoke, that's why ur not better?" so i was immediately like. uhm. no! not what i said. but it sure is an irritant and if you want to take my words wildly out of context that's fine. it could be guilt manifesting itself v inappropriately but as soon as that happened my blood ran cold and i was like .. haha ...... oh Fuck.

like i felt like i had dug myself a hole bigger than the one i'm trying to pull myself out of because. yea ...... i don't , even have the energy to repeat myself when u cut me off much less fucking reason with you. i was told, "you aren't the only person whose sick" and was like. yes . i get that. that's why the fact that i'm not better is feeding into my stress!!! and the fact that i can't get u to do anything for me or put effort into understanding that my body functions differently than yours even tho u gave me one half of my immune system makes me feel even Sicker and even more unable to rest. it's like ... truly the most exasperating feeling when *you're* feeling this frustrated with yourself and body, u can feel ur own patience running out so the possibility of someone outside of yourself having more understanding with you or inconvenience themselves to help you just feels like. a fucking impossible feat to accomplish.

it's rly been that way since the pandemic started, just this feeling of people not willing to make what seems like a minuscule sacrifice to help increase ur quality of life. i know this will all pass but it's been 2 weeks + just me reaching my boiling point after feeling so Physically terrible, and after that convo with my mom i just cried... and i told my friend, it's not like she never acknowledges what she does or says to me isn't fucked up or never shows remorse. she does, it's just such a disproportionate response that i have No fucking idea what to do with it........ i.e "i did x so you don't have to" and i'm just like. huh... and you know instinctively know, oh, this is all i'm gonna get, so i've gotta move on.