#also alcoholism but thats like... coping. with reality even though i dont have it that bad

[porcelainschizopanic]

I believe, Cheating can happen within love.

But also without.

It's up to you and your relationship to make the distinction.

It's human nature, to be attracted to people. Whether that be the person you're with - or a stranger walking down the street.

We notice people that fit our definition of attractive.

harmless, if you keep it at simply just. Noticing that person is attractive and leaving it there.

Temptation is everywhere, It's hard to ignore. And most of us at one point or another fail to ignore it.

So what exactly does that mean?

That we don't love the person we are with?

That we dont love ourselves?

Or maybe its just right place, wrong time, bad judgement.

Or possibly we are gaining something from the person we are cheating with...

First; We should define cheating.

"act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination"

By that definition Cheating is more than the act of sex with another person. If you have messages to another you know would be inappropriate if your partner saw. You're already there.

There's a thin line between friendly, and flirty.

When you're deleting things so your lover never finds them is it out of deception ? or is it out of protection. You don't want to hurt your lover. So ask yourself, Why are you doing these things that WOULD. Why must you cover your tracks to protect them?

The reality is Cheating isnt always a malicious act, However more times then not. it is a hurtful act.

People cheat for a number of reasons. For some people it could even be something such as the way they were raised.

It took me awhile growing up to realize for myself cheating is unacceptable, But I was always around it during my upbringing so to me the lines were blurred for a long time between the right and wrong.

After some therapy and some lessons learned the hard way though I figured it out..

People do things for so many reasons that the next person may not understand, in alot of peoples mind sets all that matters and all they see is what makes sense to them.

Unfortunately statistically . If you cheat once, You're very likely to cheat again in your life time. However some people do it once, learn the damage and never do again. I think cheating is a very complex thing. And again remember cheating is more then psychical touch. It's also an emotional thing!!!

Sometimes cheating has NOTHING to do with the persons partner, or the relationship at all. I'll go more in depth later.

Lets go back to the beginning. Cheating WITHOUT love. Some people get into relationships for the sake of the label. The sake of having someone to fall back on no matter what but don't care that they are cheating.

To me, That is cheating without love.

The person does it repeatedly with not much remorse. It's lust, and boredom. Those are the ones you NEED to watch out for. They do it because they know they can. and don't care what happens. Because there is always someone else.

It's pretty simple, Even if its a bitter pill to swallow. If someone is repeating the same "mistakes"

with promise of change but no real changes. They don't care about you. They care about what they are getting from you.

Now, We go on to probably the more painful and complex side of cheating.

Cheating within love.

As I said It can happen.

For some people Cheating, or even the thought of . Is a total deal breaker and end of the rope for the relationship. For others, It's a bump in their road map.

People often think those who stay with cheaters are insane. Maybe sometimes they are. Other times they may stay because theyve been so mentally abused by the individual they dont have the strength to leave. And sometimes , The person just sees the bigger picture with their partner.

Whatever the case, it's solely up to the person unique situation to decide whats best.

Life is; Hard. It's full of stresses, inconveniences . set backs, anger, and loss. We all cope with things differently.. Thats why alcoholics exist, and drug addicts. They were people faced with hard times and thats what got them through. For others fitness, and distraction are what work best. EVERYONE is different.

Remember when I said cheating can sometimes have nothing to do with their partner or relationship? Here's where this applies.

Your partner can love you more then anything in the world and STILL may cheat !

WHY!?!?!?!?!. Because . We cope with stress differently. Say your partner and you are going through a rough patch, and their stressed out with work, and they are having car troubles and everything is just really heavy right now, they come home from a long day and you get into an argument when all they wanted was to confide in you so now they are more heated then before, So.

They take to the internet, or maybe a co worker. They find a quick fix. That isn't so close to home.

Maybe they flirt, or maybe they actually sleep with someone, Or maybe it's just a fantasy they create in their mind to distract themselves from the current problems swirling around the,

What I mean by "not so close to home" is. This person may not know their personal life, their current struggles, and offers no problems to them at this present time. It's a clean simple escape from reality. A comfort.

They don't mean it to cause you harm, and are just coping in maybe the only way that seems helpful at that current time.

It's why alot of married men cheat, They still love their wives but commitment and love can become hard. You need to just breathe somewhere that doesn't feel like a dragon breathing fire down your neck. So what better then a stranger, A girl with no interest in your baggage. Just a fun flirt for the moment

Does that make it hurt less? No. Does that cause less damage? No. But maybe it puts into perspective some form of reasoning .

I've always used my parents as an example for cheating within love.

I know, no matter what they do and have always loved eachother more then life. However going through hell and back with a person you reach times that are sometimes overwhelming. You need to take yourself out of the stress for one second and maybe you pour the part of yourself that youre removing from the situation into someone else.

I'm not defending cheating, I don't think it's healthy. And if you're choosing to shy from managomy its something you should discuss with your partner. I'm just trying to put into perspective. Cheating isn't always without love.

The whole 'The grass is always greener on the otherside" Saying is obviously not true, But we always see it that way. Something we don't have or arent apart of always seems better then our current hardships, and sometimes its hard to remember and see that and we do things we may potentially regret .

There is always consequences to our actions.

The after math of cheating, or being cheated on is the hardest. It's broken trust and insecurities .

You're left with a big huge empty pit of . Did this person ever love me? You see them through different eyes now, and someone you can barely recognize. How could the person i love, hurt me so bad. Lay down and betray me and all that we had .

Humans are not perfect, we are all flawed and learning. And sometimes we forget how to love, we act selfishly without consideration to the those around us.

It takes a long time to heal from the wound of being cheated on within a relationship. But if you love each other its entirely possible to get through it. COMMUNICATION is your biggest asset to help you get back on track. The love you had and feel is not lost, it's not your fault, and you can still thrive

Don't tell yourself you're not good enough. Or that it's your fault.

love is taking those chances on another person. it's up to you to deem whats worth it. Know your limits.

A message to cheaters ;

Someone who wants whats best for you, is whats best for you. And if you've cheated on the one you love you can not be ruthless in the healing process because it seems "annoying" they can't just get over it.

It hits them late at night, right when they can't sleep.

Or eating breakfast and suddenly lose their appetite.

Understand your actions and the damages It's a long road but it's worth it.

Know that there will be doubts and more curiosity on your actions because now there is misplaced trust.

But there is nothing stronger then someone who sticks by you even when there was wrong done.

It's important to know, your lover is capable of comforting you, and will love you and support you more then some stranger ever will. you're replacing frustration with an empty space.

Don't throw away love, for a bad week or a bad day.

[heartthatwontquit]

I'm just a Dude!!!!!!!!

A fan. Who grew up with so much fun stuff. A kid who woke up at 6:00am every saturday morning to watch SONIC X.

Played Sonic adventure DX Director's Cut on an old gamecube.

I, at the time, had no intent of evil or anything crap or childish. Just watching cartoons, on my ANTENNA tv WITHOUT internet.

Outside all of that, it was chaos.

Fights at home. Alcohol involved. But not me and my brother. Who do you think?

To the point things were smashed and broken and tears were running down me and my brothers faces. And lies were told.

Do you honestly think we lie about reasons for stress relief or methods of how we young ones blow off steam? Not even one coping mechanism.

Cause im just smoking cannabis, looking for a job, while getting stressed the hell out at home.

Cannabis at least for calming down, killing the fear and anxiety and pain. Emotional, Even and Especially physical.

Just had my 22nd birthday come and go recently and now im just starting to think this is very fucked up.

How can i forward that i just don't want, let alone EVER, hurt anybody and calmly follow my dreams without messing with, hurting, or offending people?

Is it really my life when i turn 18?

Cause i also remember hearing something about being your own person.

Why would I want to be a criminal or anything unpleasant or flat out negative?

Hell even the showoffs in cartoon episodes on many shows throughout the years have literally depicted that kind of person.

March 22nd 2013.

I got stuck in the bathroom for 25 mins to what felt like an hour.... Meanwhile on the outside EVERYBODY WAS FIGHTING.

This was screaming and honestly Hell.

I dreaded going outside of the bathroom.

So i stayed inside until everything was over eventually.

I told one of my guidance counselors at middle school this while she was taking me home after i missed the bus at school.

YEAH. you can miss the bus at school and if your parents have the whole night of work until 11pm and no one else to pick you up THEN YOU WERE HONESTLY FUCKED.

So my counselor at middle school took me home. She owned 11/22/63 by stephen king.

Let me read it for a bit.

Saw the series later on Hulu later in life.

Though, at least my brother got a bus ride. At least he didnt have to share the fear and little bit of hopelessness i was feeling.

But when i got a ride from a fellow stephen king fan, i was beyond caring of any distress.

And i was still a big Sonic fan at the time and also beginning to go into the brony fandom.

Now to tell you the truth nitty gritty, i first saw MindlessGonzos Tumblr dubs. One of the very first things that got me into the fandom. After that it was Quemdolum or JackTHerbert. They made me laugh and kept my head above water while i was also getting heavily bullied in 7th grade to 8th.

Then it was onto music from the fandom

Teithepony or AcidUsagi now -- Love me cheerilee. Tried to look and find that one but in time i got it. I think it was the first pony remix i ever heard. The rest of the iconic music/ songs like Winter Dance up from SimGretina, or Discord from Odyssey Eurobeat were just amazing.

But however just to bring things back to reality and TO BE HONEST 2013 sortve ruined that. On July 6th 2013, i was ultimately and just devastatingly disappointed after so much hope was built up even by my mom. Told it wasn't possible for a trip to BronyCon 2013. Mom was then telling my brother in the kitchen to NOT tell me "I told you so."

That's how shit that was. Even when my brother was telling me "No i wasnt going to bronycon".

Then for some reason my mom shouted

"Yes he is!"

This was before the disappointment.

This was a good shot of hope for a bit.

But yeah it was a stupid but inadvertent fake out. I know it wasnt all on purpose to hurt me. Well then mom why did you say Yes He Is like everything was going to be FINE AND DANDY???

I know it wasnt deliberate because she never showed hostility or a "fuck you deal with it" mentality.

If that happened i would've snapped. More than i would think or imagine.

I feel like Henry Creedlow off of George A Romero's Bruiser.

Now there's no more pony cons at all............................ . . . . . . . . . . . . .

. . . .i dont even know whats gonna happen with Gen 5. Lets just wait and see.

To be honest i hope its not gonna get worse where in one scenario:

No one will care or know to the point where i could be dying of cancer, and no one would know or know for sure if it was cancer cause i had no doctors visit/appointment let alone Diagnosis to prognosis.

I'm Just a fan of so many interests that made me and lots of others who probably went through shit i went through maybe even WORSE,

But it doesn't mean i have no life.

Been through shit and honestly don't even know if i can even do shit. Its hard living down here.

Went through all 12 grades

But got no diploma or didnt went to the graduation ceremony or kinda sadder, could not afford the cap and gown.

All the chaos at home and on the outside of home. Just got worse after that. Way way worse.

Im very scared of approaching 2018.

This year was a defining year of what i call

"Crazy heartless Bleakness" that just ignored mental health, human problems, and abandoned all consideration empathy and compassion. Thats what i felt in 2018. Let alone losing friends.

Later it became surreal and terrifying because this was the year i got arrested at a wawa for having a crazy mental breakdown.

This was the moment i snapped out of reality and it was probably vaporized out of my head as i would describe it.

They said i was talking crazy, something happened and that my family was looking for me. My mom put out missing posters/papers.

But what happened to me in the jail.

You wouldn't believe me.

After that things were very different.

Then.... Weird very coincidental things started to happen.

To be continued...

[somedaypast-thesunset]

you know whats unhealthy?

being made to be upset before 7am about things which are projections of the issues someone has with themselves and needs to find something or someone to blame for their own problem because admitting it is their own problem would be admitting a fault in themselves. 

you know? thats the lack of stability. 

he told me to make a list of my problems. i felt like maybe he should make a list of my problems because he seems to have a different list than i do. 

heres what i know:

a) i have very fast metabolism to the point i need to eat frequently throughout the day in order to feel super super on top amazng healthy. i cannot afford to eat healthier or as frequently as i want to. this leads to buying lower quality food to try and buy “bulk” amounts to last longer or things with “empty” calories just for sustenance. i occassionally buy fresh vegetables and fruits but they are not a good investment when you’re poor. period. a box of rice costs 1.99. three apples cost about the same. can you eat 3 apples for a meal? a very frequent problem is not being able to afford to eat alot in the day and then getting a meal at the end of the day from his home but only being served ridiculously small portions. i’m grateful for anything at all but it’s not enough for me to not feel hungry afterwards. 

however when we eat snacks in the evening and sleep on it, my normal very fast metabolism is not active. this has caused me to put on 10 extra pounds that i have not carried in at least 5 years. what can i do? i dont have alot of options at my disposal. 

b) rheumatoid arthritis runs in my family. this is an autoimmune disease. this means that the genetic line in my background dictates that the dna that makes up my body is suspcetible to creating a being with weaker joints because the body itself - not by injury, activity, or lack there of, is attacking the joints. being prone to having weaker joints means that it is important to strengthen and stretch and be active however it also means knowing that you have some physical limitations in your activity. maybe your activity will be like 30 minutes instead of an hour. but it’s still being active. 

one of the biggest issues i have by far are very weak knees. well .. i think thats actually the wrong word to describe the issue. that automatically implies that i need to strengthen my knees. my knees have painful joints that are unable to maintain repetitive motions such as cycling or walking for long periods of time. maybe a knee brace would help not create so much stress and tear on joints and ligaments that are natually inclined to wear quickly but those cost _money_. 

additionally, i can continue being active after a break. like i can do 20 minutes of very good, heart pumping activity with repetitive motions but then i need a break because its very painful and stressed and once its able to relax, it’s good to go. i don’t think this implies i’m unable to be active. i think this implies that i have a moderate activity level right now that is equal to how much nutrition i get and the expecations i have during activity.

c) i smoke cigarettes. sucks. i dont do chemical or pharmaceutical drugs. i maybe do shrooms once every few years. i smoke weed. i have never been addicted to chemical or pharmaceutical drugs in my life. i have never injected drugs in my life. i have never smoked chemical drugs. i have inhaled drugs probably 7 - 10 times in my lifetime. i only casually drink alcohol and have only drank to excess maybe 7 - 10 times in my ife where i’ve vomited or had a hangover. i have maybe 10 beers over the course of 4 - 6 months at a time. that’s the lvel of “casually drinking” i have. i almost never drink mixed alcohol anymore but used to drink on a more frequent basis and drank orange juice with vodka primarily. so guess what? despite the obvious ill effects that smoking has had on all of my organs, i probably havent created any additional issues to my major organs by doing any of these things. i have not created any stress on my heart or my liver. 

but i do smoke. and that is legitimately the worst thing i do in my life in terms of harming myself or being unhealthy. absolutely nothing in my lifestyle is more unhealthy than smoking. in no way what so ever do i deny the effects smoking has. it is very very bad. not only do i have some breathing issues naturally to begin with including asthma and apnea but i am now putting layers of toxic tar on top of my lungs and much of it admittedly has been unfiltered for almost 10 years and have ben low quality tobacco. not that higher quality is necessarily better but lower seems like its probably even worse. probably like even more random chemicals they dont write anywhere. ive pulled out like pieces of wood from cigarettes before. my dad rolled his own for a long time as well. it’s bad. it’s totally completely bad.

this is going to cause negative side effects in my life in the future. for sure. will i get cancer? maybe. it doesnt run in my family but maybe? lymphoma? copd? sounds like it could maybe happen but again, genetically i’m not pre-disposed but i can cause it by smoking regardless. everyone in my family smokes. they did not age super well in terms of like.. visually. and mentally theyre totally fuked up. but physically theyre oddly in decent shape. like theyre all still moderately active people capable of doing things in their 50s and 60s which is probably a decent sign they’ll be moderately mobile in their 70s and 80s. 

d) depression is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE THAT RUNS IN MY FAMILY ON BOTH SIDES. VERy SErIOUS CLINICAL DEPRESSION WHICH GOeS UNTREATED FOR YEARS IF NOT DECADES. my uncle shot himself in the stomach with his kids in the next room and he was not even blood related. thats how much depression runs in this family. we attract more depression. and it’s not just depression but i’m going to use it as a blanket term because to simplify the pain of this generational experience its that everyone deeply suffers from depression as a disease and not as just like.. a way to describe a deep sadness. a good number of people in my family who are my age but third generation are on drugs. you can clearly tell. my cousin lives in a hospital for huffing glue as a teenager and hes like an old man now. the matriarch on my fathers side literally jujust abandoned all of her children. just peaced the fuck out. literally. thats fucked! 

but what we have to KNOW - we HAVE to KNOW that depression is a disease in this family. trauma is accepted and depression is a genetic disease passed down. if we dont KNOW this then we’re fucked. we’re all fucked. you have to know the enemy. you have to know what youre fighting in order to win. many people so far have passed because of a heart attack or diabetic complications. however the more and more i think about it (which is a lot. like everyday.) my father died of depression. he had zero will to live anymore and its lke.. he had guilt for that because i was there and i was a good kid who didnt do anything but try to help him but he had no will to live. it wasn’t selfish either - he gave me everything he could but he had absolutely no desire to carry on in life and he made harmful choices over and over again partially out of being stubborn, partially because he just did not care. he told me many times that he was WAITING TO DIE. my own father. and do you know what i replied? “i know dad. i’m waiting to die too.” and you know what he said? nothing. nothing. we just existed in silent empathy of eachother - understanding. 

depression will absolutely kill me before any disease does if i do not get taken out by a random heart attack which honestly i am terrible at eating salt in moderation so i feel like im more likely to have like a sodium related issue that in combination with smoking would lead to a random heart attack. but i would never, in my opinion, knock on wood, suffer from a long term disease because i already do and depression will totally kill me way before anything else. right now, at 27, i can see me going until 40. maybe. MAYBE. ive already done 27 years. but the next 10 are going to be fucked. totally fucked. and if i make it until 40 then wow. wowwww. 

e) i am very .. easily persuaded in regards to someone telling me an observation they have about me. i have experienced trauma numerous times by multiple people which has created a personality flaw that leads to very serious emotional & mental instability with how i perceive myself and what i know and what i’ve seen. this is not a “disorder”. this is not an “illness”. this is a personality flaw which has been created through life experiences. essentially, by listening to other people amd choosing to believe them over what i legitimately know to be true is one way of choosing to harm myself. i am “doing it to myself” even though these people could be being assholes at the time. but i am not capable of immediately filtering and having the confidence in what i know - because it’s been questioned so often i question my literal sanity and reality of the world on an hourly basis - so instead of knowing how to cope, instead i allow the traumatic experiences to play out as i am familiar to them acting out. they tell me something, i accept it, question myself, fight with myself and being picking apart things that maybe arent even that big of issues but ive correlated it with what theyve said and now im focused on all these problems i think i have with myself. 

i was told i was sick for a long time. do you get that? i’m not even making this up. like the fact im SAYING THAT should be enough. i was told by my mother that i was sick for a long time. i was told this. she made up all the fucking things she could and told me and told doctors and everyone that i was sick. i had many infections and illnesses and just.. things. i was sick. i was TOLD i was sick. i was TOLD i had a problem i couldnt see or feel or hear. and thus the cycle begins.

i fight it as well - but i’m not sick. i’m not sick. i’m not weak. i’m not stupid. OBVIOUSLY. OBVIOUSLY IM NONE OF THESE THINGS. but im listening to these convoluted assholes spouting opinions which again are projections of their own personal insecurities make me doubt myself and question if i am. maybe i am. maybe i’m so stupid i cant even see what they see. now theyre in a position of power. to counteract i spend my time having one sided arguments and writing personal essays about how i’m none of these things and this doesnt even make sense because all this other shit happened!  but now ive stressed over something that meant nothing to my being for x amount of time, become tired and stressed out, emotional and depressed. 

~~~~

last night i kind of felt like i didnt really want to be sleeping at his house. i was uncomfortable and had trouble breathing and the silence combined with his heavy breathing is soo grating it takes sometimes hours to fall asleep. i still like sleeping with him. i do. after this conversation, i dont realy feel like i want to hang out with him again anytime soon anyways. 

i have to balance and meditate on my own knowledge and perceptions because i have not been wrong before about how he infers more “important” or “bigger” emotions. we have been together for a year but he refused to acknowledge a relationship until last week. which means we are not emotionally affectionate - we don’t express affection in words either but we are both very aware that we are in love. 

i believe he knows that i am both the problem and not the problem at the same time. i believe he has a lot of love for me on a lot of levels and would do just about anything for me. i believe he wants a future with me and wants to have me in his life “forever” but he can’t be promised forever if i’m dead at 40. he cant invest all this emotional attachment to someone whos going to die. he needs to know im not going to die and everytime i light a cigarette in front of him im choosing that over living with him until im dead. 

i lso believe some of the frustration comes from knowing he could live with me in some capacity if we didnt smoke weed or i smoked cigarettes or we ate junk food because we would have more money to build an appropriate life (possibly to his standards) together. 

quitting smoking is not something im considering right now because its acrutch. its a daily crutch that gets me from one difficult 5 minutes to the next. i am very scared to live without it because i am not capable of handling long term stress emotionally & mentally right now. i also have no real personal desire to stop. its not a big deal to me and if i did quit i am sure they would all ask me if i felt better etc. and ii’d just shrug and tell them sure. they feel better, clearly, so i guess i feel better because i dont listen to them put me down for my personal choices in life anymore. just another thing im told. im told. im told. 

his ignorance to the legitimate issues and difficulties of living in long term poverty is overwhelming and to add trauma and depression on to it .. incomprehensible. 

additionally since he has no self control he wants other people to be his self control by not smoking weed or eating junk food and promoting an active lifestyle. he said he couldn’t take me biking or for  a run - and that’s fine; it’s not fun to do those activities with him. i’m not interested in exersizing with him, i’m interested in just being active and going at break neck speeds are not fun at all for me. i enjoy a level of activity that gets my heart rate going but is still leisurely and like.. not aggressive. i’m not looking to run aggressively, you know? if i die in a freak accident because my stamina is not good enough to run aggresively well then i die. it’s cool. i probably died in a fucked up way anyways if i needed to run aggressively away and at tht point kudos to me for trying at all. 

when we tried to canoe it was terrible. just a shitty experience because he likes adrenaline and the rush that pushing himself gives him but you know what? maybe - maybe. some people. just want to have a casual leisurely canoe ride. okay. thats not fucking terrible. they arent weak. theyre fucking enjoying life and the experience. thats how they enjoy it. go make some adrenaline junkie friends. let us slow pokes enjoy the ride. i am not required to fulfill every role in his life. i am not required to be his clone and like all the things he likes and do all the hings he does the way he does it. we have a ton of things in common already and we get along super well. his mother frequently buys pretty terrible pre-packaged foods and granola bars full of sugar and stocks his lunches full of fruit and like honestly fruit is good for you but you cant just eat fruit and say youre healthy. you cant eat shitty grocery store bread and say youre healthy. 

however we both like the same foods. whenever i cook for us he has never complained but openly complains about his mothers cooking. the only time he has complained is when i try to bake frozen fries in a fucking oven because his mother thinks its just “tht much healthier” when you’re eating fucing mccains frozen fries to begin with and then baking them until theyre brown to simulate cripsyness. 

if we lived together i could actually feed him healthy foods that are homemade and not store bought as i have done in all my previous live in relationships. i made dinner with multiple food groups every night too. alot of my lunches would be salad or soup or a sandwhich or all of it together. did i also eat snacks? fuck yes. did all i eat qualify as a snack? no. i ate healthy. and i actually ate even healthier as i got older and included more vgetbles and fruits in my regular diet. 

but living between two places and having his mother feed us once a day is pretty fucking stupid. sry2say. buy your own foods. know that the cupboard doesnt restock magically. when you make foods you actually accept in eating left overs of or create lunches a week a head of time like other people do  its not as easy to turn to snacks either.

but what do i know.

i’m just sitting here waiting for this guy to figure out that hes still causing 50% or more of the “problem”.