#also btw the specialist said that giving a person HRT is a part of a diagnosis

[iamthestrangerinmoscow]

transition update

My last one was on Halloween, I think, and since then not that much have changed tbh, but I’ll describe it anymore.

So I have come to the point in the “diagnostic process” of F64.0 where all the alternative explanations for me identifying as a man have been ruled out and the only one that remains is that I am, in fact, a man. I’ve done karyotype testing (it’s 46 XX), EEG (normal), brain MRI (normal) and the sexologist/psychiatrist ruled out schizophrenia, personality disorders and body dysmorphic disorder.

(Btw the “diagnostic process” phrasing used to annoy the hell out of me, but now I think about it like about the scientific process. Statistically speaking it is much more likely for a person to be cis, or to be cis and have one of the problems/disorders I was tested for. However, that hypothesis has been disproved, and now we are as close to proving that I am indeed a trans man as we can be. So that makes sense.)

That doesn’t mean the process is over and I can do whatever I want. There’s still the observational period of at least six months so he can’t write me an endo referral until around late February. Also I need some tests for the endocrinologists before I can start hormones (ultrasounds, blood tests, etc). But assuming I will have all those results by the time of my first visit and they’re all good, there’s probably no reason why the endo can’t write me a prescription right then.

So assuming everything’s fine and I won’t have to wait for anything more than I need to, I might be on T in March. But I don’t wanna persuade myself of that cause shit might happen and disappointment is the worst feeling ever. Also it would actually be more convenient for me to start T in May cause then the most profound changes will happen during the summer holidays and it won’t be as awkward. But anyway.

In terms of identity, I am finally, thankfully, not questioning. At all. I am now 100% sure that I’m a trans man. Maybe not a totally binary man, but definitely a man. I really relate to how Chase Ross ids (part man, part squiggle). Like I can add a lot of adjectives at the front (queer, genderqueer, bisexual, gender non-conforming) but the operative word is still man. So that’s nice, I guess. I was so tired of questioning tbh.

In terms of my family… eh. We had one meeting with the specialist where they talked about all their concerns and stuff, and they’re all things I’ve addressed multiple times, but they only believed the guy with a medical degree. And I get it, I really do, but I am a bit pissed that they will take the words of an educated stranger over their own kid. And despite what the specialist has said they are absolutely not willing to call me a different name and pronouns. My mum said “maybe when you’ll start growing a beard” which is… ugh. Frustrating.

I am thinking about how I’m gonna come out to my grandparents and god, it’s even more complicated. My mum is saying I should present it as a medical condition, which might be easier to understand, but idk, that might do more harm than good in a sense that they could demand a different treatment for me rather than HRT. So I’m thinking I will do it once the changes are impossible to hide.

All of this is in the future, but I am, weirdly, feeling better. I’m looking forward to male puberty and all that stuff but I’m also feeling more confident in my identity and more able to deal with all the bad stuff. I might be angry at my family but I can also understand them. I might be frustrated with the wait but I also get why it is necessary. And I’m trying to live in the now and appreciate good things in life. So changes might still be far away, but I believe that I can make it.