unicornachos · 2 years ago
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personal post!
hey hi I’m alive sorry for abandoning my blog for like 1.5 yrs??? I had a bunch of health issues and mental health stuff too :’) 
Like very full on... god what HASN’T happened. 
My body had a weird reaction to the covid vaccines in 2021? I ended up in hospital etc and was sick with mystery fatigue and shit for months and months.... I think I went to hospital like 4-5 throughout 2021? My body seems fine with the MRNA boosters I’ve gotten so maybe something in my body just hated the astrazeneca vaccine?? I’m kinda bitter about it bc of the ambulance bills I had to pay, but still, thank god for vaccines amirite
then, the apartment I was living in and loved got bought by someone who then wanted to move in, so I had to leave the place I loved living to somewhere still nice but way more expenno, and my health issues kinda continued?
then I started a new job
then my mental health got REALLY bad over the 2021/2022 christmas period to the point where I had to call an ambulance for myself bc my mind was in such a bad place. 
Then I started taking SSRI’s for depression/anxiety, but I had this weird reaction to the drugs and we think I had serotonin syndrome because of its interaction with the asthma meds I’ve been taking all my life? But at the time no doctors would listen to me and basically gaslit me into thinking all the pain was just a physical manifestation of my anxiety. Anyway, it caused some of the most horrific pain i’ve ever experienced in my life, in particular nerve and muscle pain in my legs, and I had to shower sitting down for weeks, couldn’t walk much around the house, and needed super strong meds to knock me out so I could sleep. 
I slowly healed and could walk again and do normal stuff for me around... late April?
While I was recovering I stayed with my mum but still paying rent in Sydney bc all my shit was there, so in June I killed my lease, put most of my shit into storage with a friend’s parent’s mini warehouse they use for their business (absolute legends and wholesome humans and I sent them money every month lol) and moved back home.
I started studying a certificate level course I’d been wanting to get over and done with for ages, so at the end of June I started studying.
Then once again mental health got bad, I tried SSRIs again, thinking it was me who was the problem last time I took them. BUT ACTUALLY, NO. Same physical reaction to the meds as last time, if not worse. It wasn’t my brain making shit up, it was an actual fucking drug interaction issue that ppl had tried to tell me was my anxiety and/or imagination!!! Queue horrific pain, weird symptoms, and once again the inability to walk or clean or work from anywhere but the couch.
Dr and I decided any meds that effect my serotonin levels are a no-go probably forever, and so I’ve been looking into CBD oil over the past few months to see if that will work for things instead.
Now I’m about... 2 months from that reaction, and started CBD oil 2 weeks ago (no reaction, side effects, or really anything yet) and can work at my desk as long as I have a big ass XL foot rest under my legs to keep them propped up, because I get nerve pain if I sit normally :’) I still can’t really go anywhere or walk anywhere other than around the house and for super short periods of time.
Also I powered through and finished my course just last week, so that’s out of the way at least! 
Other than that, I’ve just been like. Sleeping, reading, watching shows, napping, sleeping more, trying to eat well.... my job is a bitch but I’m trying rly hard to skill up so I can do more of what I’m interested in! I kind of don’t have energy for much else at the moment??
I have no idea if I’ll post again as regularly as I did a few years back, but I love Tumblr and I always feel glad coming back here and spending time in this place for a bit. These days I mainly only post stuff on my locked private twitter lol. But I have always preferred Tumblr’s longer format and vibes hehe.
ANyway that’s all for now! I hope anyone reading this has been doing ok. These past few years have been fucking tough and if all you have energy for is working and sleeping... you’re valid, dude. 
And if you plan to take SSRIs for your mental health, just be wary of serotonin syndrome!!!! Not enough ppl talk about it and a lot of doctors seem to have no idea it exists or also know little about it, but there are lots of cases of it in settings where ppl have been taking other meds and been given SSRIs! I’m not saying don’t take meds if you need them, but just reaaaallllyyy do your research first if you can about adverse reactions and interactions :’)
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isaacathom · 2 years ago
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so im going on holiday, right, for an annoyingly long time (until the very end of september). and ive told all the campaigns that im in about this, because i was only MAYBE going to be available for one week of those games (while im in korea) and then completely unavailable for the other 5 (while im in canada, bc of the timezones, im australian).
and, one by one, each campaign has gone on a hiatus roughly encapsulating that length of time
im in two minds. on the one hand, it means i can continue my streak of having never missed a campaign game (i missed ONE session of my pathfinder campaign bc I was at my brothers wedding, and while I was in a restaurant afterwards I found out that rather than actually play the game they'd just looked at a player's dog, so its a .5).
on the other hand, it means that im indirectly responsible for all three campaigns having no games for the next two months :(
now, its indirect, bc there are obviously other factors. for one campaign, the gm had mentioned earlier that he might have to make it biweekly or take a break to work on his thesis - fair enough! for another, its to allow the gm to work on uni stuff, run some side sessions with smaller groups, and prep for a big mission that'll happen after I get back. for the last, its so the gm can fiddle with 'kinks' that have come up as we keep playing (since we're running an adventure path with some home rules and stuff).
but im also like. :( i specifically didn't want to be disruptive, especially considering i had no authority on how long this holiday was. It was one of the things that motivated me to quit the 4th campaign I was in when I did (in addition to other factors), because based on historical evidence I figured my "temporary absence" would cause a lot of sessions to not be run, whereas if I quit then me not being there would be normal, right, and they can run when just the other 4 show up, right? I couldve quit whenever, but I figured now was a good time so I didn't fuck over 5-6 weeks of the game. (2 of the 3 campaigns earlier are biweekly, LESS of a factor)
and like. I guess im... honoured?? that my presence is valued enough that me not being there would be a significant enough factor to prompt the gms to go 'actually yea lets just take a break instead'. but then also worried that I'm reading too much into it? and being egotistic by assuming thats whats happening? especially in one of the campaigns where theres 8 players, including me and not including the gm, right? like in the one on hiatus for thesis i can slightly inflate my ego more because im basically the party bookkeeper and notetaker, responsible for tracking the inventory of our pack mule and stuff. but mmmmm am i being an egotist. am i thinking about it too much.
i just dont wanna be a buzzkill?? I dont wanna be the reason others miss out on having fun in their fun ttrpgs? and i feel bad that i put them on hiatus?? like again yes there are OTHER reasons, but my absence *is* a factor, and i just ;-;
especially again in the 8 person campaign bc writing my character out for three games is really easy. we established that the ship she's a captain of has been pressed into service patrolling the bay in advance of an invasion by mindflayers or whatever. so shes just. on that ship. actually being its captain. instead of leaving it to her lieutenant, which has been her tactic for the majority of the time she has been captain of that vessel. even with the adventure path one i said, before the hiatus was called, that presumably my character was just ~along with the party~ until they got to the ferry we need, and then would be in their cabin on the ferry reading and completely oblivious to the outside world. sure that ones a little shakier but they did literally uncover a journal of theirs and they have amnesia so deciding to do a deep dive on that bad boy while stuck on a boat seems completely reasonable. bwuuh. (difficult to justify for the thesis campaign bc my character is a) Around, and b) has no way to simply dip for 6 entire sessions that would make sense or wouldn't just fully take him out of the campaign).
whatever. im just antsy because im really stressed about my holiday and full to the achy tit with period hormones that make me grumpy and also even MORE stressed about the holiday. so on, so forth, grumble grumble
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gritandoengay · 7 years ago
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differentstarlightsublime mentioned you in a post
@fuckyeahhayleywilliams​ and @dontwantthenextcommanderiwantyou​ and @gritandoengay​ I have not seen homophobic remarks from any Bellarke stans and if so, very few. No one is erasing the fact she was with Lexa. Hell, no one should be erasing the fact they loved each other. In fact Clexa was overcoming my Bellarke love but the fact that they had so little time made Bellarke my final ship.
Ok @differentstarlightsublime​ seeing as you made this asinine post pop up in my notifications again I’m going to make you a list of reasons why I have no reservations calling the Bellarke fandom lesbophobic and a toxic environment for wlw:
Preface: I don’t care what you say you’ve seen or haven’t seen, I’ve seen more than enough on Tumblr and Twitter in the past almost two years to form my opinion.
Section A: Metas 
1. Popular metas circulated and widely accepted in the Bellarke fandom describing Lexa with language literally used to be homophobic towards lesbians:
Toxic, creepy, predatory
Only caring about “getting in Clarke’s pants” and obsessed with Clarke to the point of deliberately keeping her away from Bellamy 
Only caring about maintaining her political power and not caring about anything or anybody else, not even her own people or Clarke (somehow, despite point 2)
Manipulating Clarke into falling in love with her 
Using Stockholm Syndrome to make Clarke fall in love with her. It should also be pointed out that the Stockholm Syndrome metas would imply Stockholm Syndrome is a byproduct of rape, and that Clexa therefore had non-con under/overtones.  
A cyborg that was never truly human 
2. Popular metas circulated and widely accepted in the Bellarke fandom with biphobic language describing Clarke as: 
“Confused” when she kissed Lexa or fell in love with her 
Having to be separated from her friends and mother to fall in love with Lexa
Going through a “phase” when she kissed or fell in love with Lexa 
Using Lexa purely for political purposes 
Section B: Reaction to Lexa dying/Bury Your Gays/Queer Baiting
1. Arguing that Bury Your Gays:
Is not a big deal because straight characters die too
Is not what happened with Lexa 
Is only Bury Your Gays if the character is explicitly killed off for being a lesbian
Is not an issue anymore because there are like 5 other shows with popular wlw pairings 
2. Arguing that Clexa wasn’t queer baiting because:
Clexa got together and was canon
Everybody should have seen it coming and not been surprised
Ignoring that Shawna Benson went on a wlw online forum to literally lie to fans and tell them to go seek therapy (classy) over the trust issues 
3. Defending/downplaying/straight up mocking Lexa’s death because: 
It had to happen for plot purposes! There’s no way she could have lived!
Alycia is on FTWD (their schedules haven’t overlapped since)
She was just a guest star (as if guest stars are limited to two seasons)
“I want to make dead lesbian jokes and if you get offended it’s because you don’t have a sense of humor sweaty” 
Lexa was a bitch in their eyes so no sympathy for the people that liked her
She deserved to die as well as die a more painful and gruesome death
Being killed off by her father figure, who was trying to murder her girlfriend bc he didn’t approve of the relationship, somehow does not echo real world violence faced at the hands of homophobic parents
Complaining that Lexa and her death to this day are still getting attention from the media
Resentment that Lexa has become such an iconic character and is so important to wlw viewers 
4. Defending Jason Rothenberg because:
We should be thankful he gave us Lexa and Clexa to begin with (he also gave you Bellamy and Octavia and is responsible for her beating him up)
It’s his show so he can do whatever the hell he wants with the story (yeah and I can still call him a racist queer baiting shitty writer) 
People make mistakes and he apologized u.u
Lbr the only reason anybody defends him or kisses his ass is because they want Bellarke to happen  
Section C: Dismissal of lesbian characters/wlw relationships in general
1. Clexa: 
Was not groundbreaking or important representation 
Was fan service 
Had too much screen time 
Didn’t have enough screen time thus no proper development (often times said in tandem with point 3) 
Happened only because Clarke was rejected by Bellamy (according to metas and said nowhere in the show itself)
Was annoying/downright infuriating bc it was getting in the way of Bellarke 
Clarke should have gotten over Lexa 5 seconds after her death but for sure is going to still be in love with Bellamy (according to metas) after 6 years of no contact 
Somehow more violent than other ships when Bellarke have done things like handcuffed/drugged/shot at each other, Murphy literally shot Raven in the spine, Octavia hit Lincoln, Kane whip lashed Abby, etc.
Saying that Lexa forced herself on Clarke when they first kissed (have you watched that scene??? no seriously have you??????)
Comparing the Clexa love scene to Ontari raping Murphy 
2. Niylah/Niylarke:
Ignoring Niylah as a love interest for Clarke and dismissing Niylarke as purely “friends with benefits” when we all know people would be screaming canon if Clarke were seen cuddling in a bed with Bellamy like she has with Niylah 
Being mad that season 4 had Niylarke
Literally ignoring Niylah’s existence
Being the reason for Niylah existing to begin with because some people didn’t/refused to believe Clarke was bi after S2 
3. Lexa’s own freaking sexuality:
Writing fanfiction of Lexa having sex with a man (that I’ve seen alone, there’s fanfics of her sleeping with Bellamy, Roan and even Miller, another gay!)
Calling said fanfiction of Lexa having sex with men a “kink”
Shipping Lexa with Bellamy
Writing/drawing Lexa as part of a polyamorous relationship with Bellarke, which wouldn’t be a problem in itself if she wasn’t also often depicted as being involved in sexual activities with both Clarke and Bellamy
Getting upset when confronted, usually followed by asking why wlw shippers can take straight characters and hc them as lesbian/bi but they can’t take lesbian characters and hc them as bisexual or straight  
Section D: Biphobia/lesbophobia towards femslash shippers
1. Speaking over wlw:
Being cis straight and speaking over wlw shippers on wlw characters
Thinking that they have a license to speak over wlw/be lesbophobic bc they ship male characters together
Telling wlw that they need to care about mlm ships just as much as they do about wlw rep and/or that they don’t actually care about lgbt rep if they don’t talk about (insert mlm ship)  
Telling wlw to shut up about BYG/queer baiting bc gays are dying in Russia 
“X and Y people in the Bellarke fandom are wlw and they agree with me therefore I must be right!” 
Reacting to people bringing up the BYG and queer baiting in The 100 with “god move on already”
Telling wlw that complain about the queer baiting and BYG to “seek help” in order to get over their issues with the show, which is a pretty fucking homophobic way of wording things considering that for lgbt youth those words are usually accompanied by being sent to conversion therapy. 
2. Biphobia/Bisexual rep:
Getting angry at people that say there are bisexuals with a preference for women. Imagine that! Bisexuality in itself can be fluid and not always 50/50 attraction or dating! 
Berating bisexuals for preferring to see a femslash ship over an m/f one 
Invalidating the sexualities of bisexuals that don’t ship Blarke
Making up statistics about the prevalence of f/f ships literally to shut down  bisexuals that want to see more f/f ships
Implying that Clarke now HAS to get with a guy, aka Bellamy, for it to be bisexual rep
——————————————————————
There you go, a whole list of reasons the Bellarke fandom is lesbophobic that is not “they don’t ship Clexa” or the outright “I hate lesbians/god hates gays” that has also been seen 
BTW, all of these are things I’ve seen multiple times over the years and many in posts with hundreds or thousands of notes, I won’t shed a single tear if you come crying to me about only a few people doing this 
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