#also i told my physical therapist that i make dice and he wants me to bring a few examples in on Thursday

[artificer-dice]

Coming soon..

[dyadsaber]

Part 5 of A New Reylo Shipper Reads the TFA Novelization: In Which Snoke is an Awful Desiccated Pickle, Rey is Wonderfully Competent, and Kylo Ren Does the Thing that Made Me So Angry I Couldn’t Do Anything But Hate Him for the Next Few Years

My other half and I both got over it in December, tripped and shipped him with Rey, and now... here we are. 

When I first saw TFA, one of the most frustrating things for me about Kylo Ren’s story for me was actually Snoke.  I wanted to know SO much more about him and his relationship with Han and Leia’s son.  On screen,  we have this shadowy, creepy-looking/sounding figure who clearly exercises a lot of power… and that’s about it, with the film makers relying on a quick way of establishing a character’s authority/scariness - showing a character we’re ALREADY supposed to be scared of act intimidated or subdued by the new villain.   I remember having that, “Ok, Kylo’s acting deferential toward this desiccated pickle… so Snoke must be terrifying.” And maybe that was enough for them to do on screen given the time that they had. 

But the part of me that wants to know EVERYTHING thought it was kind of neat to see more interaction between Snoke and Kylo Ren in the novelization, like the bit I talked about in the last part, and the bit we get after Rey resists him.  There are so many little things that bring their manipulative, abusive relationship into sharp focus! 

So here’s Kylo telling Snoke about Rey... 

“That’s all she is, yes. A scavenger from that inconsequential Jakku. Completely untrained, but strong with the Force. Stronger than she knows.” His mask off, Ren replied with what seemed to be his usual assurance. No one else would have sensed a difference. Snoke did.

This struck me because it makes his success at hiding his intentions from Snoke later more impressive.  Snoke knows him WELL, and he’s usually an open book.  “Good job, TLJ Kylo Ben,” is what I’m saying. 

And now back to watching in horror and a bit of fascination as the “Snoke keeps Kylo Ren off balance on purpose” show continues:  

“It isn’t her strength that is making you fail. It’s your weakness.”

This line sent chills down my spine.  The weakness Snoke’s talking about here is compassion.  That instinct of Kylo’s (of BEN’s) not to hurt Rey if he could help it getting used to make him insecure about his “place in the story,” about his place in his master’s plans… it hurts. It hurts a lot. (I just want to scream COMPASSION IS NOT WEAKNESS all the time at the top of my lungs.) 

I’m really curious, though, about what exactly Kylo thought was going to happen when he brought Rey to Snoke.  He argues the following: 

“No—Supreme Leader, I can get the map from the girl, and that will be the end of it. I just need your guidance.”

Did he think Snoke’s presence was going to help him… stop feeling what he’s feeling? He has to know that Snoke isn’t going to be gentle with Rey’s mind if Snoke gets her in front of him.  I think this is an example of “Kylo Ren is trying really hard to be bad, and sometimes needs a reminder that that’s what he’s doing, and Snoke is happy to give him one.” 

I have never said this phrase before, but… Poor Kylo. “OH RIGHT we’re supposed to get the MAP at all costs.  Umm… yeah I kind of promised the girl I wouldn’t hurt her but AHAHAHA sure we can get the map from her mind together Supreme Leader Sir. Yeah I don’t care what happens to her.” (CARING INTENSIFIES.) 

A brief note on Hux here: in the novel, he HESITATES when Snoke unveils the plan to use Starkiller on more planets. 

“The system? Supreme Leader, according to the most recent galographics, at least two and possibly three habitable worlds circle Ileenium. Following the destruction of the Hosnian worlds, would it not be worthwhile simply to destroy their base and claim the remainder for the Order?

This is some fascinating Hux insight. He was perfectly happy using the weapon once, to show its power, but he sees that as enough.  He’s already thinking about the loss of resources (and maybe lives?) that a second use of the weapon would mean.  Hux likes ORDER, and he seems to think one use of the weapon is enough to achieve it.  Another firing would just be unnecessary chaos and destruction.  (On screen, we don’t get any of this hesitation, which I think makes Hux less interesting than he could have been.) 

Oh, and this scene ends with a line that I had to go back and watch to make sure I wasn’t forgetting it. It’s CHILLING. 

“Kylo Ren. It appears that a reminder is in order. So I will show you the dark side. Bring the girl to me.”

UM HOW ABOUT NO. I don’t even like thinking about what Snoke had planned here. 

In this middle of this and the next Kylo scene, we get some interesting insight into Rey’s thought process as she figures she can Jedi mind trick her guards… 

Then—she had resisted. More than that, it was as if her resistance had somehow turned the probing back on him. For a brief instant, she had been in his mind.

Rey is SO CLEVER AND I LOVE HER. I also thought this was a neat insight into the bridge moment - that the strength of her resistance is what let her turn the tables on him. 

If she could push him out of her mind and enter his, what else could she do?

And she does this with NO TRAINING. She was probably working off of STORIES about what Jedi were able to do. I'm still so impressed this worked, even knowing what I do now about how powerful Rey is. This kind of mental manipulation seems to be about skill as well as strength, and she nails it. 

Elsewhere on the ship, Kylo doesn’t take news of Rey’s escape particularly well, and we get some really amazing but upsetting internal stuff. 

A great deal of his education had been devoted to learning how to live and move forward in the absence of emotion.

Was that the Jedi training, or Snoke? I mean, it’s probably a little bit of both.  The Jedi try to make decisions that aren’t clouded by emotions, no matter how pro-social those emotions are, but on the other hand, The Dark Side RUNS on fear and anger and pretends that it’s just leaving behind the emotions that make one WEAK (see above rant).  Kylo may THINK he’s living in the “absence of emotion,” but in order to cut himself off from any feeling that could be construed as weakness, he must have been scared and angry ALL THE TIME and just thought that was NORMAL. I’m going to go cry a bit now because yes he did bad things while he was like this but he did NOT get that way on his own. 

(Everyone in Star Wars needs therapy.  Ben Solo needs a WHOLE TEAM of therapists.)  

And just to make things worse… 

As bad as had been the girl’s expulsion of his probing, worse was the knowledge she had acquired. At the moment, he did not feel powerful. He felt diminished.

You know why I think this is? He felt SEEN and laid bare to Rey, another person he barely knew, and that was NOT supposed to happen. Not to HIM. And from his current worldview, vulnerability made him less than he had been. 

And in a scene that isn’t going to end so well for an interrogation chair… 

Ren’s emotions were boiling. His present mental state contradicted all of his training, but he could not help himself. He had reacted poorly to what had happened earlier, and that had been reflected in the Supreme Leader’s judgment.

(snip) 

He gritted his teeth, angry at himself. It was a measure of his current weakness that something like jealousy toward an insignificant simpleton like Hux could even enter his mind. It was nothing but a waste of physical energy and mental concentration. Hux—Hux was not worthy of such attention. The girl, on the other hand…

The degree to which Kylo Ren’s anger is self-directed and “I’m not good enough” here took me by surprise. He’s not angry at Rey for escaping, or Snoke for berating him.  He’s angry at HIMSELF, for having a FEELING, which is NOT the thing he should be angry at himself for right now, and it BREAKS MY HEART. 

ALSO YES SHE IS WORTH PAYING ATTENTION TO BUT NOT FOR THE REASONS YOU THINK - your future self

At this point, Han and Finn are on Starkiller, and things moved fast. My reactions got… a little fragmented. 

First of all, I love Han being Han when they’re trying to get inside: 

Chewie growled back at him. “Oh really? You’re cold?”

I don’t remember if this got into the film, but I can just HEAR Han saying this. 

And because HAN SHOOTS FIRST…

The trooper reacted quickly and reached for his blaster. Reactions still sharp from years of experience, Han fired, sending the trooper to the ground. 

STILL SHARP FROM YEARS OF EXPERIENCE INDEED. I love him. We had a “Han Shot First” shirt a while back, just to tell you how strongly I feel about that issue. 

I’ve seen the deleted scene of Kylo in the cockpit of the Falcon while it’s on Starkiller, and I was hoping the scene in the novel would add more to it, but it really didn’t, in my opinion.  The only thing it really added for me was this odd little tidbit: 

Kylo Ren ignored him as he strode past, his eyes raking every corner of the crashed vessel, looking for—he wasn’t sure. Something that might speak to him. Something recognizable, perhaps.

FIrst of all, that entire cockpit is recognizable to him, as is the rest of that ship, ok? He probably spent hours aboard her with his dad and Uncle Chewie, so the idea that he would need to LOOK for something recognizable made me scratch my head a bit.  Maybe he was looking for proof it was HAN who was flying it? Some personal object? (The dice, maybe?)  He doesn’t seem quite certain of what he’s looking for himself, which is just PAR FOR THE COURSE FOR HIM RIGHT NOW, isn’t it??? 

And now for some fangirling over Rey because she deserves it: 

“The oscillator is the only sensible target,” Finn told him. “But there’s no way to get inside.” “There is a way.” Everyone turned toward Rey. It was Chewie who ventured the question that had to be asked. “I’ve seen inside these kinds of walls,” she told them as the sky overhead continued to rain destruction. “The mechanics and instrumentation are the same as the Star Destroyers I’ve spent years inside salvaging. Get me to a conventional junction station, I can get us in.”

I LOVE that her scavenger knowledge comes in useful here, and that it’s made explicit that THIS is how she gets them in, especially with Kylo being all, “Oh, she’s JUST a scavenger.” Yeah, a scavenger that knows how to GET INTO YOUR BASE BECAUSE OF HER YEARS OF TAKING APART OLD IMPERIAL SHIPS. (Now all I can see is Rey teasing him later with “All your base are belong to us” memes, and I feel both old and silly.) 

And speaking of things I wish had made it into the final cut… 

From the varied assortment, they settled on an isolated snow speeder. Between Finn’s training and Rey’s knowledge of machines, they managed to get it fired up.

Are you telling me we could have had a scene where Finn and Rey stole a snow speeder together and we DID NOT GET IT ON FILM? I feel cheated.

I also feel cheated of this bit: 

“Snow is cold!” Rey squeezed the speeder between a phalanx of willowy alien trees. “It’s the complete opposite of Jakku!”

SHE HAS NEVER SEEN SNOW BEFORE I AM DYING. 

Now I just want a comic of her going around, preferably with Ben, experiencing different climates. 

Rey: DID YOU KNOW RAIN GETS HARD SOMETIMES AND FALLS IN LITTLE BALLS? And did you know… OW… it kind of hurts when they fall on you? 

Ben, trying not to laugh or die of how cute she is: I… I did know that… Do you want… an umbrella? A force shield? 

Rey: ...no??? 

And right around this next bit is where I recognized where else I’d seen that “Finn and Rey steal a snow speeder” bit: (This is Finn’s PoV… he needs to be in position to shoot something.) 

They had to do something, and fast. Rey was skilled at driving, and he was skilled at… “Switch!” he yelled.

This is that Forces of Destiny Rey and Finn short! Super cute. I’m glad this whole sequence found a home somewhere. 

Next we get more of Rey being SUPER competent and a little show-off (kind of like someone else I could name). 

“Been doing this all my life. Never thought about it much until now. It was just something I did every day, to survive. A routine, like breathing.” As if to demonstrate to herself that she was more than a little familiar with the components in question, she closed her eyes while continuing to disassemble the interior of the box. When she opened them again, she was gratified to see that she hadn’t missed a single connection. “Nice piece of instrumentation,” she commented absently. “I would have got at least three portions for this.”

She took it apart WITH HER EYES CLOSED. So cool. (And it makes SO MUCH SENSE that she would be able to do this… I don’t know if anyone out there still thinks Rey’s a Mary Sue, but if so I want to shove this passage up their nose. She has COMPLETELY believable character reasons for being good at things.) Also, Rey thinking about how many portions she would have gotten made me smile, until I remembered that funny post about her looking at the Death Star wreck and calculating portions, and then it made me CACKLE. 

And that was the last time I laughed for a while reading this book. 

Because when Han and Chewie split up to set the charges, we get THIS emotional knife in the heart: 

Unintentionally, their eyes met—and the stare held. Man and Wookiee realized it might be for the last time. Nothing more was said. Nothing more needed to be. There never had been, over the years, an excess of superficial chatter between the two whenever there was work to be done. Each knew his job and did it. That did not keep Han from pausing a moment to look back. When he did, he discovered Chewbacca gazing in his direction. 

THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS IMPORTANT TO ME, AND THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE LAST TIME THEY SEE EACH OTHER AND THEY GET THAT MOMENT OF UNDERSTANDING AND AFFECTION… AAAAAAAAHHHHHH

The “understatement of the year” award goes to this next line, which is Han recognizing his son. 

The figure that had paused to look over a railing and down into the farther depths of the structure was known to him.

KNOWN TO HIM. My HEART

This next bit surprised me slightly, and made me think about how much of a CHOICE it was for Han to approach Kylo on that bridge.  (There’s some stuff about how Han is only doing this for Leia, because she asked him to, nothing about how he, like, might have cared about his son, or something, but I screamed enough about how this novel makes Han out to be a shit dad before, and I have one more big issue later, so I’ll let that lie for now.) ANYWAY, the interesting thing for me here is that we get to see the moment of choice. 

Instead of retreating, he advanced. Instead of running for safety, he took up the challenge. There was no real choice, he told himself as he advanced to the edge of the walkway. And called out. “Ben!”

The first time his real name is mentioned, and my heart still almost stopped when I read this.  I can remember being in the theater when I saw TFA. I can remember how hopeful I was that this was going to go well. If what comes next isn’t terribly coherent, I’m sorry, but I had NO IDEA going in what was about to happen, and it STILL messes with me. 

I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I’ve got timeline issues with how long it’s supposed to have been since the events at Luke’s Temple. This next line is one reason why: 

For the first time Han saw the face of his son as a grown man—and it jolted him.

BEN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOUNGER WHEN HE TURNED, AND THIS PROVES IT. Otherwise, how had Han not seen him as an adult? Ben was TWENTY FUCKING THREE if the official timeline is to be believed. Unless we’re supposed to think Han hadn’t seen him AT ALL since he was what… ten? Is that what you’re asking me to believe? NONSENSE. I originally thought that Ben turned as an older teenager, and that would make Han’s shock at seeing him as an adult make SO MUCH MORE SENSE. 

And all of the above is me trying to find a continuity problem to pick at because no matter how long it had been, it must have been a hard moment for Han anyway, and I love him a lot, and wanting to hug fictional characters because you just want them to be ok is a MOOD RIGHT NOW. 

You know what else is a mood? Looking forward to reading the bit of TLJ where Snoke bites it. This line gave me a violent need to watch him die: 

“No! The Supreme Leader is wise. He knows me for who I am, and who I can become. He knows you for what you really are, Han Solo. Not a general, not a hero. Just a small-time thief and smuggler.”

The fact that Kylo Ren is trying SO HARD to wholeheartedly believe this is… maddening, and devastatingly sad.  He wants to feel known, feel understood, and I can just imagine Snoke talking shit about Han every chance he got, and you can just SEE Kylo starting to work himself up to what he’s going to do and I AM NOT OK. 

We get a bit more of Han trying to convince Ben that Snoke is manipulating him, and it BREAKS MY HEART. 

“If you have half the ability, half the perception that I know you do, you know that I’m telling you the truth. Because unlike him, I have nothing to gain from it.” Ren hesitated. “It’s too late,” he said.

I wish Han’s part of this had made it in. It sounds like him.  

And that “It’s too late” has ALWAYS broken me, even before I jumped onto the “I heart Ben Solo” train with both feet. The tragedy is that he believes this.  He thinks there’s a line he crossed from which there is no coming back, and it takes two and a half more movies, a bunch of Force Timing with Rey,  a call from mom, a lightsaber through the side, and a talk with Ghost Dad just to get it through his thick skull that it ISN’T too late, a shitty choice before doesn’t mean he has to keep on making NEW SHITTY CHOICES, and that he doesn’t have to keep being Kylo Ren because Snoke convinced him no one from his old life would ever accept him back. 

And now that I’ve pulled myself together enough to write coherently again… 

Han pulls a move in the novel he didn’t in the book, and I LOVE IT. 

Without the slightest trace of malice or deception, he cast a dagger. “Your mother misses you.” A strange sensation touched the younger man’s cheeks. Something long forgotten. Dampness. Tears.

YOUR MOTHER MISSES YOU. AND IT MAKES KYLO FRICKING REN CRY. THAT IS ALL. 

And continuing that theme of Han making choices before, we get this insight when they’re coming closer to each other: 

Han took another step, then stopped, waiting. A decision had to be made, and for once it was not his to make.

Ugh he waited for Ben to come to him.  He wanted his son to CHOOSE to close the space between them, and Kylo does choose to, and then nothing was ok.  

Speaking of not ok, you know how I said I had one last thing to scream about when it comes to how this novel portrays Han and Ben’s relationship, well here it is.  

I LOVE (and hate because it hurts me) how on-screen Han looks at Kylo after the lightsaber goes in.  There’s shock, and pain, but no anger.  Han looks… disappointed, SAD, and he’s clearly still conscious enough that he could have been angry and spit in Kylo’s face if he wanted to, but he DOESN’T.  He just… lets his hand linger on his son’s face until it drops and he falls.  And I will fight anyone who tells me that Han Solo is looking at his child with anything but love and regret in that moment. Which is why THIS just PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF. 

Accepting without quite believing, Han stared back into the face of the creature that had been his son. There was nothing to see there. Only darkness in the shape of a face: alien, unthinking, unfeeling.

Thank you, Adam Driver and Harrison Ford for making heartbreaking acting choices that were SO MUCH BETTER than this.  I came out of that theater HATING Kylo Ren, but even I would have had to admit that his face was ANYTHING but unfeeling there. (And now, I see gifs from that scene and want to fling myself into the sun because, yeah he just killed one of my favorite Original Trilogy characters, but also HE JUST SPLIT HIS SPIRIT TO THE BONE AND MINE ALONG WITH IT BECAUSE I LOVE HIM TOO.) Watching TFA was so much easier when I just loved Han and wanted Kylo to DIAF.... But I’m not sorry I changed my mind. 

We don’t have to wait too long to see the effect killing Han had on his son. 

“Stunned by his own action, Kylo Ren fell to his knees. Following through on the act ought to have made him stronger, a part of him believed. Instead, he found himself weakened.” 

NO SHIT, KYLO. Yeah. Trying to prove you’re Darkside enough for Snoke just FUCKED YOU UP instead of making you stronger. SHOCKING. 

Ok, now that I’m done yelling at him, things that make me cry here: first, only a part of him believed it. SO MUCH CONFLICT IN HIM. Also, this seems to imply that he hadn’t fully made a the choice to kill Han up until the last second.  You’re not stunned by the fact that you did something you were whole heartedly intending to do.  Relieved? Proud (especially if it was something difficult)? Sure.  Not stunned. (Am I grasping at straws here? Probably. Do I have new-to-me feelings about Ben Solo, lots of time on my hands, and a whole bunch of straws that are there for the grasping? YOU BET I DO.) 

And that seems like a fitting place to end.  My soul needs some time before I attempt to have thoughts in public about that fight in the snow on Starkiller. 

[westcoastprancer]

My Auto-Spaz-Ography

***WARNING - WAY TOO MUCH UNNECESSARY PROFANITY***

Getting past the only child bullshit...sue me I guess? Not my fault my parents could only handle one of me. Pretty annoying growing up hearing from morons that I must be a spoiled little shit...

Can’t really argue there. Aside from self-inflicted hunger (you know...that junior high self image bullshit..starve and lose 5 lbs in a weekend), I’ve never gone hungry. I’ve never been cold, without clothes, or a roof over my head. I was taught values. So yeah, I am fucking spoiled rotten. No apologies there.

People who continuously stay “stuck” royally piss me off. These weirdos are toxic. Avoid them at all costs. They will not change. You will thank me for this piece of advice sometime in your life. Everybody’s got a problem. So do I. Set goals for yourself. Get the fuck off your sad ass every couple weeks. Find your best friend (if you don’t have one of those...you should seriously consider working on finding one) get trashed, talk it out and let that shit go for a while. If you’re stuck in a rut for more than 2-3 months, get help. Seriously. It’s not embarrassing. It’s way more shitty in the long run when you turn out to be the aforementioned person who just stays fucking “stuck”. On another note, subject of the week has been middle aged divorced broads with kids and how sly and bitchy they are. If they go ape shit on me before getting their facts straight, imagine what they do to all these poor men? No fucking wonder a good, non hot dog throwing down hallway status, loyal, no bullshit broad like me can’t find a solid dude. The good dudes are out there getting berated by these broads they knocked up and can’t get out of it now because...you know...the kids and stuff. I’m glad I took a different path. Can’t imagine being in that desperate place looking for affection because I am 37-47 year old wrinkly, loosey goosey broad thinking I was tossed aside by a shitty man, when I am the nutbag...just looking for attention. It’s easy to get laid. No strings. No problems. Many people make it way too complicated. My friend’s brother is hilarious. He is kinda a douche and I love his stories about profiling chicks. My favorite was when he told this broad at the bar she looked beautiful and she said how he made her day! (First red flag) They go to exchange numbers and she once again tells him what a nice time she had meeting him ( nothing wrong with that) but then goes on daily wishing him a good day. That’s another desperate sign. Come to find out...middle aged. Divorced. Kids. Lonely in the panties. You know the drill. I used to host this radio show called Cryin’ Lovin’ Laughin’ or Leavin’ so I learned these things sort of young. You remember the patterns of people. You know warning signs of crazy. Here’s the most invaluable lesson, most people are batshit crazy. Keep the wall up a while. Test people. I have caught so many good people (so I thought) in lies through the years. Even little irrelevant lies. It doesn’t matter if it’s a friend, relative, colleague, or significant other. When you catch someone in a lie of even the smallest, you wonder what else they are capable of lying about. It changes everything. Be like me. Don’t lie. Sometimes it’s hard, but then you have nothing to hide and having the truth on your side keeps you out of some really shitty situations.Even if it is so embarrassing and you have to put a towel over your head to face the truth...do it. If you don’t believe a word of anything else I say...believe me when I tell you about people. The good and the bad. Just take the time to get to know a person. You don’t want a lazy middle aged squinty eyed salmoncake real estate selling Mom moving her and her kids asses into your house all of a sudden. You ain’t that desperate. Oh and dudes, I’m coming for you...don’t act desperate either. Just don’t. I tend to take your sides on this shit because dudes on the other sides of things are usually just happy to be free, so their demeanor is totally different. But that doesn’t mean I won’t flip sides on you if you guys start getting weird. Covid seems to have made everyone crazy.

Even in a good mood, there is nothing better than a super depressing 90’s country song...am I right? It’s that sad shit that always gets me in my damn near non-existent soul. Look, I randomly placed 6th out of 20 on a totally impromptu Roast Battle at the Laugh Factory in LA one night. One of the roastmasters told me I did so well for my first time because I have no soul. HA HA HA...that one fucking stuck with me. Back to the point - if you can’t sit down with a couple good homies now and then and blast “Alibis” on 10 while chugging Crown, you should really address some things in your monotonous life. Just sayin for someone who doesn’t do the bar scene much anymore and barely has feelings...I know every color of every neon sign. I’m always hashin out a heartache in the back of my mind. Makes me remember not to go there ever again. People suck. I feel like I have already mentioned this. I’m not a “hard” person. I’m a realist. I don’t want to miss fantastic opportunities with people, but I also know those people are few and far between so I really keep my guard up. The right people always tear it down in time. 

People who get offended by profanity seriously piss me off more than a hive of wasps chasing me. Let me be clear...if I wasn’t dropping at least 72 f-bombs a day...I’m not sure where I would be in life. It’s turning all negative events in my life into positivity. I mean when you think about the F word. No matter how you slice or dice it...it does have a positive meaning in any context. “Go fuck yourself.” - Ok! “Fuck that!” - With what?! “Fuck You!” - Time and place please? Etc… Do you know what I am fucking saying?

Seriously asked my father the other day why he didn’t own Hilton chains or something. I’m sick of this fucking sweaty ass work too hard lifestyle with hardly any time to do fun shit. The idea of being some stuck up heiress with holes in my pockets sound fucking fantastic to me sometimes. Maybe just not the stuck up part. Could you imagine me that way? Snap my fingers and a drink comes! First class flights to St. Croix with my inner posse.  Living the goddamn dream. Me and my doggies on a private island!

I’ve become a bit dramatic, I think. For an extremely hard headed Portagee, I can still call myself out when needed. It’s kinda weird not living alone anymore. I’ve got a badass homie around now (wish I would have met years ago) who actually gives a shit how my day was. So I kinda get called out now on my bullshit. (Side note: It’s important to keep company around you who doesn’t enable your negative traits. Your best friends will call you on your shit and help you grow.) Sometimes I’ll lay down and pout all day over some shit that is NOTHING. Just get stoned and forget the fuck about it. I’m sure this is something I’ve been doing for years. Never caught it til now. Checklist to work on. No one likes even a small percentage of a drama queen. Yuck.

Amazing the shit I think of while stoned. What’s the point of dating? Attach yourself to another person for life? Is that even natural? Attach yourself to yourself...not American Pie style you pervert. Attach yourself to doggies. I cannot stress enough how fulfilling life is raising pups. Watching them grow and learn. I’m not even talking about the ones you raise from babies. Even at an older age, your dog will still learn and grow with mental stimulation and affection. It’s so amazing to watch the new things they learn and pick up on. If you treat your dogs well, they will treat you double as well until death do you part. Sure, it’s shitty you get so attached and they don’t live very long, but it teaches you perseverance. True value of cherishing your pals and moving on in your life always keeping a piece of them with you. Sounds fucking gut wrenching sad. It is, but I promise you the time you spend with your pups outweighs the sadness in the end.( If you’re planning on spending zero time with your animal, leave your pet in constant confined spaces, starve or beat it...don’t fucking get one. Don’t even get close to one. They are better off in the wild than with your crazy ass. You ain’t right.)

You can’t be a lying dickface all the time and expect everyone to be nice to you. Saw a good one on Family Guy that touched my sweet heart a little. Stewie to Brian: “You’re not my friend. Friends come and go. You’re family. That’s for life.” Sounds so sweet. In fact I wanted to call my bestie and tell him that. Then I snapped out and realized “family” can be a super toxic F word. Sad thing is I have a pretty big “family” on each side, yet the older I get, I have realized my only family is my parents. In fact, I have created my own family full of non-blood relatives. Life is wonderful in the positive environment I have created for myself through the years. It’s amazing to form bonds with amazing people who have no ulterior motives like wills and money. Fucking money brings out the true colors in people. It’s sad. People spend their whole lives trippin balls over money. That must suck. 

Those dorks at Central Catholic. Even at 15 made me laugh like hell. They’d interview the football “stars” getting full rides to Notre Dame and shit. My favorite was when asked about their favorite band... “Creed man. Such great “hard rock” with such powerful, positive messages.” Those dudes are probably miserable in their physical therapists jobs with their cheating whore wives who come home smelling like ratty vaginas. Someone had to fucking say it. Embarrassing confession: “My Sacrifice” is a FANFUCKINGTASTIC song!

I have a hard time with people. I try my best. I always learn and continue to grow. I got that goin for myself. People suck. People are cruel. (3rd time I’ve said this today?)  People take no time to disappoint me for the most part. If you’re kind to me, I will be twice as kind to you. If you’re a fuckface to me, expect me to be an extra double fuck with a cherry on top. Add some nuts too and suck on that shit. I’m a badass person to have in your life and on your team. If you’re lucky enough to make it into my inner circle, I’ll probably be one of the best friend’s you’ve ever made. If you can’t look at yourself in the mirror and see the person that you would like to be friends with, you need to make some changes. It took me a long time to become my own best friend. If you can’t be solid with spending time with yourself, you can’t be solid with anyone and you’ll eventually become a dead weight. Take the time to get to know yourself and work on it...for me it’s constant. I know there is other people with my qualities in the world. If you find one, take the time to learn about them and ease your way into friendship slowly. Actions speak louder than words. Prove yourself to be a good human. Be patient. The best relationship of any type comes with time and work.

Let’s see…

Don’t be a fucking retail investor.

Don’t be a fucking commie.

Don’t be a fucking douchebag. 

Don’t fucking settle.

Don't stop bettering yourself for you and those you care for.

Don’t stop fucking being YOU!

LO