#also i will give you another post npmd starter when i get to it this does not count but im. Emotional already thank you

[willowdied]

it was not something she was going to tell pete about- how could she when they hardly talked about it when the both of them are actively trying their best to dance around the events of that night that so clearly bothered them- she knew that some of the nights that he had stayed over he was not oblivious to the way that she would wake with a start or in general not sleep, she knew he was not blind to the way the bags under her eyes, nor the way that she continuously had to miss school in the past few weeks after her father's body had been found to plan a funeral, to learn about her fathers will and arrange his affairs and realtors to prepare her to sell a house, just as she was not blind to pete's panic attacks and the way that the both of them would flinch at loud noises and seemed to try and find each other as soon as classes ended. things were bad, to the point that she's been worried that teachers were beginning to notice, but even if they were not talking about it and sometimes there was this heavy weight of what was left , they were still there for each other, they still supported each other, they loved each other, that much was abundantly clear and repeated. and steph knows that his invitation to the spankoffski family thanksgiving is something out of love, and it's love that has her accepting, but that does not provide any comfort for her to shake her complete and utter nerves about attending.

it's the one other thing that she has not talked to pete about, it is the one other thing that she has made an effort to not talk about, mainly because she did not think that it would be a issue till she thought on the implications of what being around pete's family would be other than the very brief meeting she had had with them when they were at the hospital ( which her interaction was simply explaining that they had gotten in a wreck with the detective on the way to the station and were lost in the middle of nowhere for awhile - a lie, before she gave miss spankoffski her number if they needed anything and left to get rest )- that had given her the same fear, but she had chalked that up to exhaustion and a lack of sleep. it struck her in the middle of last night, though, both that she had no idea what thanksgiving called for, how to the do the whole meet the family thing, and, stronger than anything, she had no idea how she was going to be able to properly look any of them in the eye without falling to apology.

--- steph's been doing okay so far, at least she thinks she is doing okay, the fact that she got little to no sleep the night before covered by an astronomical amount of make-up and the charismatic grin she was taught to use at a young age so to not let people see when she is shaken along with a store bought apple pie in hand after the one that she tried to make the night before burned in the over. she's trying to be.... not herself, but not noticeably not herself that pete would be concerned. she smiles, she makes conversation, she tells a... light version of how she met pete, talks about her plans for next year, ... tries not to talk about her dad but answer questions, all the while trying to lend a hand in the kitchen, though mamma spankoffski is far more concerned about steph being comfortable- and she does not have the heart to argue, even as her mind tells her that she does not to deserve to be here.

what finally sets her off, is simple, a comment said to her while pete is out and it's just them in the kitchen and a compliment about how she is doing well, about how happy pete seems and how she is doing so much for him at this hard time, and more that simply cannot settle in her ears that is flattering and half way fills her with ease, she is not used to any praise from adults, but as she looks the mom in the eye, she is struck with this pang of guilt that feels like it stops her heart and seizes her lungs, reminding her of the boy on his knees--- ' please. steph just do it. please. ' --- BANG --- she didn't even argue... why didn't she argue? why didn't she protest? shouldn't it have been her? it should have been her --- she almost robbed her of this. she could have robbed her from this. and pete is not good, he is far from good, it is all her fault. it's all her fault-

steph can only hope that whatever excuse that she had used to get out of there had been somewhat coherent as she quickly makes her way out the back door, eyes shutting as she quietly closes the door and leans against the wall out of sight of the glass, trying to do the exact same breathing that she had looked up to help pete if ever needed- she has to go in there. she has to go back. she has to focus. she has to get a fucking grip... in for four. hold for seven. out for eight. repeat-

@snaptwice