#also if people read the manga theyd know that they didnt get off on the right foot anyways cause laios othered him straight from the getgo

[gibbycat]

some anime onlies jumping to laios' defense and hating toshiro/shuro after the recent episode has the same energy as a parent trying to excuse their autistic teenagers behavior after they crossed someones boundaries with the 'hes autistic, he doesnt know any better'

[moonprincessvhstapes]

word vomit -read if you please i guess

I hate being surrounded by people who probably think I’m a nuisance and can’t do anything right. I think one of the worst things for my self confidence has been becoming a drum major, and yet it’s afforded me some things I couldn’t live without. I’ve had people be down my back from day one criticizing my every move, and it’s never been people “I shouldn’t care about” it’s always the people who I thought would support me most. I thought things would be different from last year with how horrible a singular person treated me but now things are bordering on worse. At least last year there was a “villain” somebody with clear cut malicious intent that could be blamed and you could go “yep it was them” but its different this year. People who were supposed to come out of the dark with me ended up pushing me farther in while it feels like they get to leave. I get nagged on for everything. everything. I don’t understand. I’m one of band directors favorites, or at least I tell myself that because he’s also one of my favorite people and has helped me through a lot so i think i just want to think that. I’m president of my music honor society, I get nagged about that all the time even though im doing better than last years president. and a drum major, who is inept at being a leader i suppose. the one my band director used to go to all the time. Now I feel like ive been pushed out of the frame and i do nothing! And i think a lot of its in my head but my fellow high leadership nag me so much about every little thing and its like!! I guess i can’t do anything. Im a child incapable of individual thought and agency. And the worst part is theyre my friends. They arent bad people, they take care of me. Which is why i can’t and probably never will say anything.It feels like a circle of debt. How can i be unhappy with them when they buy me snacks, or drive me places. They’re more like extensions of parents at this point because i just get nagged so much. They argue everything i do or say. Im always wrong. Ill always be wrong, when am i not wrong? Ill never know. I make them laugh so they keep me around. Im like a court jester who they drag around and when im not making them laugh at a time that suits them im a fucking dipshit! That’s all I am.

And ive been pushed out and away from the one person who made my four years of high school bearable. It’s dumb but im super sad I dont hang out with my band director like i used to. Theres always so many people in his office all the time and i can never get a moment, but when I do it always boosts me up and im my happiest ever when im just hanging out with him. I feel empty when I make other people laugh, but my comedic qualities never feel soul sucking around him. Im happy to make him laugh!! He’s the true mentor I never had growing up. My parents christened themselves as examples of what not to do, though they still inspire me and have positive qualities and traits ill pick up. But my bd (band director) was the person I saw and said “I want to be like him when I grow up” and now it feels like im not special to him anymore. Like its stupid, hes a teacher ill stop talking to in essentially a month when i graduate but the thought of not having him around is unbearable. My band room used to be home but its not very much like that anymore. My bd is the best ever because I feel like he believes in me. He always tells me I need more confidence because he says he knows i can do more and be more. That means the world to me. I just couldn’t hurt him or break his heart though by telling him that the reasons my confidence is an empty shell of what it was because im in band right now and the people surrounding me. I just cant do anything right. I dont mind criticism, it is necessary, I understand it is, but everything. Everything is argued. I cannot do anything right, no good is done by me. 

And my friends can be under the guise of “we just want to help/we care/etc.” all they want but every time. every time i say or do anything. im never right. its grating and draining. theyre grating and draining. I bet if they saw this right now theyd just correct my grammar and disregard everything else, despite my writing this fervently with hot tears, because thats pretty symbolic of how things are for me right now. I think im not as effective of a leader as i used to be anymore either because theyve pushed me out of my spot. Not literally or even in the context of my band/clubs leadership. Like mentally and emotionally. Like i dont do things like i used to because im so used to being wrong or argued or something. I dont trust myself like i used to. WHich is why my bd always tells me to  be more confident but he doesnt know why im not. I cant do anything right. I dont want to hang around them anymore. 

They also make fun of me for my interests. theyre into cool and worldly shit like space and science but i like music. Music is the one thing im good at. Im of the best in our band and dammit i am fucking better then them at music but they still argue me on my music. i tried to give a presentation in english class about music in poetry one day and my one friend tried interjecting with music shit that they thought they knew but i ended up correcting them back DURING my presentation because i was talking to inexperienced people and i didnt want to spread misinformation. And yet they didnt interrupt anybody elses presentation. And like I cant like my anime or my art stuff without it being written off as stupid all the time. Like i use the term weaboo/weeb all the time and it never really bothers me except from them because anytime at all i mention something about anime/manga its immediately “Lol weeb” so i just dont talk about a very big thing that makes me happy. But they never shut up about space or science, and i listen because its noble, its cool to be into space and science, but the arts are just wholly less important i guess. I just live my life around them written off, useless. They “take care of me” so i dont talk back but if they knew how i really felt which theyll never understand, theyd know im just floating along. Its their world and i live in it i guess. I can feel them peeling away from me and just being friends with each other, and im not even mad about it. I hope it happens, theyre probably better for each other than they are with me at all and i hope i find people in college who will listen to me. 

i know its unfair to blame them for not understanding when i also say im not going to tell them anything, but theyve set a precedent in the past for not listening, its not like i havent tried. I just think things have run their course. 

I love music, my bd is the main reason i want to be a music teacher like him, the kids i teach at the middle school are also reasons i want to teach music. I just want to leave school already and then maybe i can start rebuilding myself into what i used to be. Just a humorous person who loves music.