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I love how Dean went from “Castiel???” And “I’m not gonna believe this thing is an angel of the lord just cause it says so” to “Cas told me that you’ve been doing something” and believing Cas about Sam, his own baby brother, lying to him in three meetings.
And how in ep 3 he looks to Cas so softly and brokenly after seeing his mom save his dad, leading to her own death. Like he’s met this guy only a few times and every time he’s been like “wtf is wrong with you??” But this one time he’s just so open to him.
Like he’d never let himself look like that at Sam. With Sam he needs to be strong and the big brother. But with this angel that he doesn’t know he lets himself be open and vulnerable.
And Cas is looking at him with so much sympathy and sorrow. He brought this soul back from hell, he has warned him of the seals and what is coming. But he sees him broken and doesn’t run away, he doesn’t hide away from seeing Dean broken.
I feel like this really sets the precedent for their relationship for the rest of the show. Like when Cas tells Dean that he might kill himself when he see what heaven became. They are both so open with each other, in a way they aren’t with anyone else.
Anyways this is just a really long way for to say that I’ve finally gotten to season four and I’m having lots of thoughts.
My dudes were down to fast for eachother.
This became a lot longer than I meant too, sorry
Welcome to season four, you are in for a RIDE <3
#my asks#destiel#also if you’re wondering why i put this unrebloggable#it’s because this ask uses a gif that i presume is not made by you? but uncredited/stolen#therefore i don’t want this spread further sorry i’m friends with gif makers#but interesting thoughts i see you’re in deep alreadu#already*
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So over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about what is it makes it hard for me to participate in the broader fandom discussions of/squeeing over Wilmon, even when I personally enjoy them as a couple and love having individual conversations about them. I’m putting this behind a cut, leaving this untagged, and making this unrebloggable. I’m not really intending to start a public reblog chain here—it’s less a public discussion, and more personal introspection that I’m okay with people seeing and interacting with. I’m also okay with people commenting and offering thoughts, as usually I work thoughts out through conversations with others. This post is really ideal for the livejournal era of like, I have people on a special filter and post to that filter, but that doesn’t exist, so you get this version.
You’re also welcome to skip my silly introspection, if you wish. Plenty of other things to read out there on Al Gore’s internet!
What this isn’t is a criticism of how other people ship, or of fandom as a whole. It’s not a call-out post. There’s a lot of individual nuances to how everyone goes about their shipping, and it’s in my individual conversations that I’ve gotten to hear those nuances. I always delight in learning about where individual folks’s feelings are!
I’m just trying to sort through my own brain right now. I hope people will take it as such.
Anyway. As someone who ships and enjoys Wilmon but who struggles to participate in the community experience of Wilmon shipping that most of the rest of YR fandom seems to enjoy, I’ve been trying to work out like… what’s behind that. Like, what about these conversations makes it hard for me to get involved in them? Why do I have trouble stepping in? So I thought about it a lot.
What I’ve noticed is that within YR fandom, there’s this general undercurrent of like… Wilmon is sometimes held up to be this Idealized Model Romance. And for me personally, the idea that like, so many people seem to be interpreting them as Ideal and Model, it just adds a lot of pressure to how I interpret or talk about their relationship publicly on tumblr. I find I rebel against that kind of pressure. It makes it less fun to publicly invest in their love, for me personally, if I feel like I’m supposed to talk about them being soulmates and destined and perfect and 100% healthy in their communication at all times. If I’m supposed to profess that they have never done anything wrong in their lives, and believe their love will last forever and ever and they will have a perfect marriage. If they always touch one another perfectly and have beautiful moments of intimacy! I mean, I’m exaggerating a bit here. And yes, fandom will always idealize their favorite pairings and characters a bit. But the general tenor of the more communal fandom discussions can lean that way, and those are the discussions that always leave me feeling a bit like I don’t belong, and like I am not properly following Community Protocols For Enjoyment of The Ship.
I also am conscious that this is helpful for other people, to have a romance they can believe in as good or ideal. That for some people it’s a form of escapism. And that’s okay! I’m just trying to figure out why I work differently than others.
What, blue, so you just think Wilmon are toxic? No. I don’t. I think they’re human. I think they way they grow as a result of their relationship is fascinating and wonderful. I like the way they each have to question what they value as a result of their relationship. I like that Wilhelm has to confront his privilege and starts questioning the systems that don’t treat people like Simon fairly. I like that Simon has to think critically about how he sets his boundaries, and radically accept his feelings. I like the way they start to clarify their values as a result of their relationship with one another. But I also like the way there are lots of mistakes in that journey. I live for this moments of drama. I like the cute moments as well! And the intimacy is so well-choreographed! Sometimes, however, I feel guarded about discussing the part where Wilhelm and Simon have flaws—even though the flaws and drama are part of what pull me in!—because I’m preemptively expecting someone to come in and say “well actually they’re good people and have never done anything wrong and here’s why; are you saying they are toxic?” So I don’t end up making the post in the first place, or weighing in on the discussion. Or like, sometimes I do make a blog post that gets into the growth/change aspect of their relationship I discussed above, and reblogs take it in a direction that goes back to the language of them being a perfect moral ideal, and I’m like, hmmm that’s not where I was going with my original post. Which is fine, because once you post something to tumblr, the reblogs do what they will. But I do notice that discussions float in a certain direction. You know?
Maybe a better way to say this is, generally speaking, I’m a person who likes romance but isn’t a hopeless romantic (and, for the record, I’m also aromantic) so the draw of romance stories for me is less in a sense of soulmate destiny or happily ever after, and more in watching how romantic love pushes a person to change and grow. Often this growth is positive. But you know, I’m also truly fascinated by the moments where relationships can make people more jealous or selfish, or moments when a difficult breakup helps someone clarify their own values. These moments, and how characters process them, are as much of a draw for me as cute kissing scenes. It’s okay if that’s not you, and you mostly like more idealized romances, or fluffier ones, or whatever! We can like different stuff, and different approaches to a concept. But I think what I see in these fandom discussions is that like, collectively we assume we’re all on the same page and look for the same things in romance, and maybe we’re… not as much on the same page as we thought?
Which leads me to another thing about the mysterious fandom undercurrent that posits Wilhelm and Simon as the Ideal Model Romance—I feel like it creates less space for shipping other pairings or considering other romances within the YR universe. If Wilmon is not just a thing that is well-written and enjoyable (which it very much is! it’s so good!) and is instead held up by fandom as a sort of Moral Ideal, then every other pairing in the YR universe is going to get judged against them as a standard. Like why ship a rarepair like stedrika or like, idk, Ayub/Felice or something when you could be focused on the Moral Ideal of Love? And every other character’s morality is going to be determined by how much they support or oppose Wilmon, too. Linda is Good and She Supports Them While They Hook Up At Her House. Kristina is Bad and Threatens To Break Them Up With Her Royal Scepter. And so on and so forth. It feels like Wilmon is the ruler (haha no pun intended) and all the other characters are measured against it. Like other characters should be thinking about them or talking about them at all times or they’re just not worth our time enough.
This idealization is, I think, part of why people see shipping Wilmon and shipping something like sargust as mutually exclusive practices, and even occasionally view the practice of sargust-bashing as like… a community activity we all do as the YR fandom, that we do in support of Wilmon. Periodically I get comments from well-meaning humans who are like “well, you know people don’t ship sargust because of what they did to wilmon, right?” Which, I acknowledge that this is likely well-meaning, when people remind me of this. I also agree that a little bit of August-bashing is good times—hell, even I, someone who owns a cute plush effigy of August that I have no intention of burning at the stake, get in on bashing him. And at the same time I’m like, YES, of course I know what sargust did, I am 100% aware that August is a shitbag who needs accountability for his actual crimes and Sara thought he was kissable anyway. It’s very fair that that’s a dealbreaker for many people who like the show, and I get it when that’s why you (general) don’t ship them. And also… the moral dilemma of it all is part of what I personally find hot? And the part where August spent first season saying he’d rather die than sell his father’s stuff but then in season 2 he sells his father’s stuff to buy Sara her precious horse but also it’s a dick power move but also it shows so much change in August’s character even if it’s not the change we want for him? The stab in the gut that scene is as I watch both of their hearts break??? Y’all. Y’all I like that scene as much as I like “everything is fake” and Wilhelm’s hands covered in football dots. I am allowed to like both. Given what I usually look for in love stories, of course I’m going to like both.
What, blue, so you’re just saying that sargust is the ideal love story instead? No! No I’m not! IT IS IN FACT A SUSPICIOUS AND PROBLEMATIC SITUATION IN MAY WAYS. I’m saying I find them terribly fascinating, as fascinating as I find Wilhelm and Simon. And I’m also saying that the notion of any love story being ideal or a moral model isn’t a draw for me in the first place.
I like specific love stories, about specific people trying to work through specific shit in their lives. I like stories where people stay together forever. I like stories where people stay together a while but ultimately part ways with one another having learned a lot. I like Second Chance Romances. I like spectacularly explosive breakups. I like a lot of things.
So when I’m watching the discussion like the one currently going on at the confessions blog—where someone says something like, “I’m worried Wilmon won’t be endgame” and someone chimes in with “they probably will be, don’t worry!” I can personally vibe with that. I’m actually in favor of Wilmon being endgame for the series, whether they stay together into adulthood (something I would very much enjoy!) or break up a few years later. But when the discussion snowballs into Wilmon being perfect soulmates who are destined to be together, and they’ll never break up because they’re the perfect fairytale couple, I like… I start to feel that uncomfortable pressure to publicly express support for them as a Moral Ideal, instead of just as interesting people in an interesting situation, and I find myself retreating back inside my shell and staying quiet instead of participating.
And again I 100% get that like… for other people the opposite is reassuring. And that some people need that escapism, and that idealism. I don’t think one way or the other is a better way to be a fandom person. They’re both valid ways of fandoming.
I guess my question is… how do we all coexist with each other? Am I actually deluding myself, and maybe I’m just fandom broken? Or is there a certain level of amatonormativity and toxic monogamy that pervades fandom in general (extending this now to other media franchises as well) that’s getting to me, an annoying aro? I’m not saying we all have to change (again, this is not a call-out post) but I am saying I am still trying to figure out where I belong in fandom spaces now that I’ve returned to them after being away for a while, and I want to know how to curate my fandom experience accordingly. A lot of the general advice on curating one’s fandom experience does not work the same way in smaller fandoms than it does in larger ones, so. You know.
I feel like this kind of thing was easier on LJ, but I am probably idealizing my LJ years. I wonder if anyone feels the same way.
Anyway, there’s no conclusion here. I’ve basically vomited my brain onto the page and now I’ll see what happens.
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