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#also its literally not that deep but there was a uquiz earlier that gave me a result that floored me bc its one of my biggest fears the i
lepidopterium
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4 years
Text
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#i need to avoid casually mentioning in graphic detail how i want to self harm in various ways right now
#i already mentioned that i wish i wasnt sober the other day which led to a friend getting upset and i didnt mean to do that
#but i was being insensitive
#also its literally not that deep but there was a uquiz earlier that gave me a result that floored me bc its one of my biggest fears the i
#talk too much about myself and project my feelings too much
#maybe my comfort characters lately have all been closed off and distant emotionally for that reason
#even typing this makes me feel disgusted with myself
#i cant let people see i have emotions i cant let them know the enormity of how i feel
#it overwhelms me. what do i expect but to overwhelm them in turn? i cant open up
#i need to feel quietly. or not feel at all
#i dont want to lose friends again because i opened up too much
#because then theyll see im not the person they love me for and theyll hate me
#i cant go through that again
#i want to be loved entirely but what am i supposed to do when im not entirely lovable on an inherent level
#theres always going to be something rotten and unforgivable in me and no amount of kindess or care for others will be able to compensate
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