#also plz forgive my grammar i didn’t even look over it

[anti-drowning-drowning-club]

i vaguely remember the time my mom’s lesbian roller derby friends came over to my grandparents house to bake a penis cake and they were debating wether or not i would turn out gay. My mom continued to ask me if i liked girls (she literally asked me all the time when i was little it was so annoying) and i said “no?! i like boys!” and she kinda just nodded and was like yeah okay we’ll see.

the rest is irrelevant ranting bc honestly my mom is just KDJSHS and i’m in a weird mood

About 3 years later, when i was 7/8ish, a 25 year old butch lesbian became my swim coach. My mom and i immediately befriended her and my mom helped her with relationships and discovering her sexuality/gender (and still does). I still look up to her and she’s one of my best friends today.

When i was in the 6th grade, my mom met a nice (and fucking crazy) lady named Stephanie. Stephanie had a daughter named Jane (i’m not going to use her real name i promised not to spill her tea) who had just moved to my elementary school. Our parents started hanging out a little more, forcing jane and i to be friends. Not gonna lie, i was a little intimidated at fist, but jane seemed really cool and i really really wanted to be her friend. In the 7th grade, Jane and i started to get closer. Our parents started hanging out more often and jane started hanging out with me at school. I started to get to know her but sometimes she said some things that i didn’t really understand - jane was a little bit different. I started to think maybe jane wasn’t straight ( i got hella gay vibes ok) By the beginning of 8th grade, we got even c l o s e r. We were best friends now and we were having dinner/ sleepovers at least once a week. At these sleepovers jane and i usually ended up snuggling together - sometimes she would push me away and wouldn’t talk to me though, and i was really confused. I liked being close to and snuggling with her - for a while i thought maybe i had a crush on her (i did) I was really confused and it was only for like 2 weeks (i realized she’s too much of an asshole lmao) but shes so pretty, funny, and really caring once you get to know her. It was really dumb, but that was when i realized i wasn’t straight. Anyways, at one of our sleepovers something was wrong with her and when i asked her what was wrong she broke down crying. Jane told me she got in a fight with her datemate/girlfriend - she told me she’s pansexual. I didn’t tell her i already knew. We’re still good friends today. 

A little later, i met my current boyfriend. we weren’t much more than acquaintances for the longest time, but i thought (still think) he’s the most beautiful human being i’ve ever met. He’s not straight and he’s not cis and i didn’t know anything about him tbh, but hecK ?? i mean i didn’t know what was going on i my head but ? fuck that - he’s so cute and kind and has the best personality and uGh it was a helpless little crush. I told myself it would never happen though. I knew i wasn’t straight but i pushed it away and denied it. i tried so so hard to ignore the whole situation - i even talked to/ dated a few other guys. It was also when i was the unhappiest i’d ever been - i felt so helpless and alone and confused. That didn’t go very well - I ended things with the guy i was talking too because it really just wasn’t fair to him. About a month later, maybe 7 or 8 weeks before school was out, i forced myself to talk to my crush. I figured since i was going to a completely different school the next year, it wouldn’t matter what i did or said because i probably wouldn’t see most of these people ever again. I would either be satisfied and leave in 7 weeks or be rejected and forget about it/leave in 7 weeks, so what the hell. It was 100% one of the most cringey and embarrassing things i’ve ever done but hey i mean i pulled some fucking magic or something and here we arE. Those 7 weeks were some of the best/ happiest weeks of my life. 

At some point i finally accepted that i was pan. I never really liked the idea of pushing labels, but at some point i just knew (i thought) that was it. I thought i was pansexual. It seemed right, i mean obviously i think boys are cute, i think girls are cute, and i think enbies/nb are cute, but it physical appearance or gender isn’t the deciding factor of who i like/who i find attractive. It has always been based off of personality. Anyways, i was wrong lmao. Yes, i’m pan, but eventually i realized i’m different than everyone else. It seems like all of my friends have something that i don’t. Sexual attraction. The idea of sex isn’t foreign to me, nor am i disgusted or repulsed by it like most asexuals are stereotyped to be. Actually, i probably wouldn’t mind doing it and yeah maybe i (would) want to have the shmex (when i’m much older). I just lack the attraction. It’s just not there. I have never in my life been sexually attracted and/or had sexy feelings for anyone. It just doesn’t feel right. I am asexual.

I’ve never told anyone this before, mostly because i fear i’m going to be judged and people will say something along the lines of “you’re just too young” or “you’ll get over it/ you’ll change your mind”. Well you know what? maybe i am just “too young”. Well you know what?? maybe i don’t want to be like this. maybe i’m not proud of it. maybe it’s not a choice. maybe i feel broken - kinda like i’m missing out tbh. 

(rant warning)

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT???

I don’t care what other people think. Maybe i will grow out of it, i don’t know, but what i do know is that this is who i think i am now. Even if i change my mind in a few years or not at all, this is who i know i am. This is who i am right NOW and nobody gets to tell me otherwise. Nobody can change that but me.                This is me.

Hey mom - u were right - i’m gay now lmao