#also this contains not even remotely subtle references to rick/evy/ardeth being canon

[addictsitter]

"#where's my hbo series about the o'connell/carnahans and their ridiculous adventures#where they manage to find every cursed artifact under the sun#and ardeth follows them around like 'okay seriously please stop touching things' while izzy tries not to get shot" YES i would kill for a mummy tv series. what would you want to see in it??

are you kidding me i have the entire series planned out.

s1 picks up where mummy returns leaves off. everyone is planning on taking a holiday after ahm shere and ardeth and izzy want five minutes of peace before Something Else Happens, as Something Else Will Always Happen but that Something Else Can Wait Five Fucking Minutes. (i also fully maintain that ardeth hasn’t had a day off since he met them because they keep ending up in trouble.)

(the most unrealistic part of the mummy returns is that it took them ten years to get into another supernatural situation. that shit happens on the regular.)

on their way to this holiday that is going to take place somewhere utterly mundane where nothing could happen, Something Else Happens and alex accidentally wakes a mummy this time. it’s not as homicidal as the last one but, well. like mother, like son. rick, in this one, gets kidnapped. alex, evy and jonathan call ardeth, who contains his exasperation, and izzy, who doesn’t and keeps muttering about what happened in russia, to help. rick is the damsel in distress this time and while alex and jonathan are dramatically reciting whatever it takes to kill the thing, ardeth is the one that grabs him and saves him bc evy’s busy kicking the mummy’s ass and izzy’s keeping the car running so they can get out of there when the building inevitably collapses. (“these things are always rigged to do that” says rick who’s tired of running for his life immediately after the dashing rescue)

s1 ends with ardeth taking up smoking to de-stress and jonathan and izzy squabble over who deserves the treasure (that ends in kissing because come on, a mummy series would only be made better by having lgbt characters and really jonathan carnahan is bisexual this is a fact)

s2 shakes it up a little and trades egypt for, like, greece. we’ll go with them finding pandora’s box. evy meets a greek god or two. (artemis: confirmed lesbian who flirts with evy) alex continues to never get a proper education because he’s busy dealing with supernatural shit all the time. jonathan accidentally trips and falls into a plot-relevant thing needed to stop the bad guys from releasing whatever evil our sadly mythtaken worldbuilding claims is in pandora’s box. rick yells a lot and ardeth progresses to smoking three packs a week because nobody knows how to stay out of trouble.

s3 goes for rome. evy gets permission to dig up a few places and accidentally wakes up one of our first major roman emperors  who wants to conquer the world again. (someone, inevitably: “should someone tell him that the uk beat them to it.”) alex, at this point, is going to end up majoring in tomb-robbing and supernatural nonsense. (thesis title: how to avoid waking up long-dead people and preventing attempts at world domination. thesis supervisor: ardeth bay.) rick has started carrying dynamite hidden on him so he never runs out whenever he needs some. s3 ends with the temple/city/whatever not collapsing and rick remains tentatively optimistic. a pebble falls on his head and he runs screaming out of the building while ardeth sits perched up on the ledge and laughs his ass off.

s4 goes back to egypt and one of the texts evy’s reading mentions hamunaptra and rick and ardeth are both just like Nope Never Again Ever but evy goes so they just sort of grumble and follow along. there are plenty of nods to the movies.

s5 picks up some years later with alex off on his own thing and we just get completely ridiculous out of context shots of him at whatever he’s doing every so often. (evy: i wonder how alex is doing? [cut to alex rigging up an explosive charge using a piece of gum and a shoelace] rick: i’m sure he’s fine.) our main couple and co are busy investigating into something in britain. evy and rick accidentally piss off the fae.

s6 is our final season and is in the mockumentary style, made in modern times about the carnahan/o’connell family and friends and features wildly conflicting stories about some of their adventures. (ardeth: o’connell tripped and fell flat on his face in greece while fighting a single henchman. [cut to rick] rick: so i’m fighting, like, thirty guys and one of them literally flipped me into a wall. [back to ardeth] ardeth: [looks into the camera like he’s on the office])

the end has the interviewer asking about how retirement’s going, they all laugh and say they aren’t retired, just on a break, and alex swings by to pick them up for another trip.

obviously, this series will include izzy making random references to events in other countries, ardeth getting moments where he isn’t Mr. Exposition, jonathan developing beyond a greedy asshole to a married greedy asshole who shares his treasure with his husband, alex’s own adventures and ridiculous scenarios involved in them, rick and evy being sweet and awesome. also at some point everyone drinks from the fountain of youth so they live forever and ever the end.