#alvin my sweet fat man

[probablynotaseaotter]

which is closer to breaking: this bowl under alvin’s fat butt or my mental health

[weenybeenyveenyteeny]

The ABCs of cartoons

A: Aang (Avatar: Last Airbender); Shino Aburame (Naruto); Mikasa Ackerman (Attack on Titan); Prince Adam (He Man); Agamotto (Marvel); Agumon (Digimon); Reiji Akaba (Yu Gi Oh!); Akamaru (Naruto); Homura Akemi (Puella Magi Madoka Magica); Mio Akiyama (K-On); Aku (Samurai Jack); Aladdin; Maka Albarn (Soul Eater); Alice (Superjail); Alpha (Up!); Alucard (Hellsing); Alvin (Alvin and the Chipmunks); Padmé Amidala (Star Wars: Clone Wars); Anastasia (Disney's Anastasia); Alexander Anderson (Hellsing); Archie Andrews; Angelica (Rugrats); Anger (Inside Out); Angie (Shark Tale); Dr. Animo (Ben 10); Motoko Aoyama (Love Hina); Apocalypse (X Men); Applejack (My Little Pony); Arak (Highlander: The Animated Series); Arceus (Pokémon); Argit (Ben 10); Ariel (The Little Mermaid)*; Albert Andreas Armadillo (Schoolhouse Rocks); Henry Armadillo (My Gym Partner's A Monkey); Armodrillo (Ben 10); Arrietty (The Secret World of Arrietty); Priss Asagiri (Bubblegum Crisis); Asami (Legend of Korra); Astral (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Astro (The Jetsons); Astro Boy; Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty); Rei Ayanami (Neon Genesis Evangelion); Ayu Ayukawa (Yu Gi Oh! Arc V); Azula (Avatar: Last Airbender); B: Babar; Bagheera (The Jungle Book); Balalaika (Black Lagoon); Rune Ballot (Mardock Scramble); Bambi; Bamm-Bamm (The Flintstones); Batman; Batou (Ghost in the Shell); Dash Baxter (Danny Phantom); Beegle Beagle (Great Grape Ape); Hair Bear (Help!... It's the Hair Bear Bunch); Beavis (Beavis and Butthead); Beetlejuice; Bob Belcher (Bob's Burgers); Belldandy (Oh My Goddess); Belle (Beauty and the Beast); Jeremy Belpois (Code Lyoko); Bender (Futurama); Kimber Benton (JEM and the Holograms); Jet Black (Cowboy Bebop); Bling Bling Boy (Johnny Test); Bloo (Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends); Blossom (Powerpuff Girls); Blu (Rio/Rio 2); Bluto (Popeye); Bolin (Legend of Korra); Boog (Open Season); Boomhauer (King of the Hill); Betty Boop; Boris (Balto); Brain (Pinky and the Brain);  Reiner Braun (Attack on Titan); Johnny Bravo; Lonnie Brewster (Everyone's Hero); Chief Broadbeak (Free Birds); Brock (Pokémon); Brook (One Piece); Django Brown (Phineas and Ferb); Bubbie (The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack); Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time); Bugs Bunny; Bulbasaur (Pokémon); Bullwinkle (Rocky & Bullwinkle); Bulma (Dragon Ball); King Bumi (Avatar the Last Air Bender); Ace Bunny (Loonatics Unleashed); Buttercup (Power Puff Girls); C: C.C. (Code Geass); Caillou; Cal (Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs); Calcifer (Howl's Moving Castle); Calculon (Futurama); Caldina (Magic Knight Rayearth); Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes); Clutch Cargo; Eric Cartman (South Park); Catdog; Catwoman; Cera (The Land Before Time); CHAD (Totally Spies!); Jackie Chan (Jackie Chan Adventures); Charmcaster (Ben Ten); Prince Charming (Shrek); Sandy Cheeks (Sponge Bob); Chef (South Park); Cheshire Cat (Alice in Wonderland); Chii (Chobits); Chim Chim (Speed Racer); Chip (Chip 'n' Dale); Chip (Voltron); Chowder; Chowder (Monster House); Carl Chryniszzswics (Johnny Bravo); Chuckie (Rugrats); Cinderella (Cinderella); Clare (Claymore); Clayton (Tarzan); Cluck (Fat Albert); Lacus Clyne (Gundam Seed); Cobra Commander (GI Joe); Cogsworth (Beauty and the Beast); Mr. Cogswell (Jetsons); Coldstone (Gargoyles); Kid Comet (Teen Force); Conan (Conan the Adventurer); Captain Copyright; Sarah Cornwell (Chaotic); Courage (Courage the Cowardly Dog); Cow (Cow and Chicken); Ichabod Crane (The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad); The Creeper / Mr Carswell (Scooby Doo); Jiminy Cricket (Pinocchio); Cutey Honey (Cutey Honey); Cyborg (Teen Titans); D: Vampire Hunter D; Daffy Duck; Daisy Duck; Dale (Chip 'n' Dale); Dandy (Space Dandy); Daria (Daria); Mystique / Raven Darkholme (X Men); Darkwing Duck; Darla (Finding Nemo); Darwin (Amazing Adventures of Gumball); Dick Dastardly (Wacky Races); Bill Dauterive (King of the Hill); Dr. David Q. Dawson (Great Mouse Detective); Death (Soul Eater); Death the Kid (Soul Eater); Demyx. Kingdom Hearts II; Deneve (Claymore); Deputy Dawg; Derpy Hooves (My Little Pony); Cruella Deville (101 Dalmatians); Lady Devimon (Digimon); Dexter (Dexter's Lab); Diego (Ice Age); Dilbert; Donald Duck; Doug Dimmadome (Fairly Odd Parents); Dudley Do-Right*; Duck Dodgers (Looney Tunes); Dojo (Xiaolin Showdown); Dokkoida (Dokkoida); Donkey (Shrek); Heinz Doofenshmirtz (Phineas and Ferb); Dopey (Snow White); Dora the Explorer; El Dorado (Super Friends); Doraemon (Doraemon); Dot (Animaniacs); Doug (Doug); Doug (Up); Natsu "Salamander" Dragneel (Fairy Tail); Drak (Drak Pack); Dr. Drakken (Kim Possible); Drizella (Cinderella); Duckman; Dug (Up); Elmyra Duff (Tiny Tunes); Dukey (Johnny Test); Dumbo; E: Echo Echo (Ben 10); Éclair (Kiddy Grade); Eco (Corrector Yui); Eek! the Cat; Ed (Ed, Edd n Eddy); Edd (Ed, Edd and Eddy); Eddy (Ed, Edd n Eddy); Captain Eddy (Scooby Doo); Edward (Cowboy Bebop); Eevee (Pokémon); Eeyore (Winnie the Pooh); Egg Bert Egbert (Looney Tunes); Eglantine (The Guardians of Ga'hoole); Conan Edogawa (Case Closed); Ein (Cowboy Bebop); Nina Einstein (Code Geass); Ekans (Pokémon); Elastigirl (Incredibles)*; Elfman (Fairy Tail); Queen Elinor (Brave); Eliphas (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Emily Elizabeth (Clifford the Big Red Dog); Elle (Urusei Yatsura); Alphonse Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist); Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist); Elsa (Frozen); Emeraude (Magic Knight Rayearth); Ms. Endive (Chowder); Chiaki Enno (Zenki); Envy (Fullmetal Alchemist); Eon (Ben 10); Ernie; Esmeralda (Hunchback of Notre Dame); Espurr (Pokémon); Etemon (Digimon); Eudora (Princess and the Frog); Eugene (a.k.a. "Flynn Rider" -- Tangled); Eunice (Ben 10); Aunt Eunice (George Shrinks); Eustace (Courage the Cowardly Dog); Evangeline (The Princess and the Frog); Soul Eater Evans (Soul Eater); Evergreen (Fairy Tail); Cleao Everlasting (Orphen); Evil-Lyn (He-Man); Evinrude (The Rescuers); Nathan Explosion (Metalocalpse);   F: Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth (Futurama); Fawn (Disney Fairies); Febri (A Certain Scientific Railgun); Felix the Cat; Shirley Fenette (Code Geass); Danny Fenton (Danny Phantom); Hozuki Ferrari (Galilei Donna); Fillmore (Cars)*; Ms. Muriel Finster (Recess); Finn (Adventure Time); Fiona (Shrek); Trevor Fitzroy (Marvel); Ned Flanders (The Simpsons); Flapjack (The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack); Adam Flayman (Bee Movie); Ferb Fletcher (Phineas and Ferb); Flexo (Futurama); Fred Flintstone; Wilma Flintstone (The Flintstones); Flora (WINX Club); Parco Folgore (Zatch Bell); Hak Foo (Jackie Chan Adventures); Fortuno (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Numbuh Four (Codename: Kids Next Door); Francine (American Dad); Frankie (Drak Pack); Frankie the Frog (Meet the Robinsons); Franky (One Piece); Freakazoid; Fred Fredburger (Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy); Freddie/Prince Frederic (Freddie as F.R.O.7); Carl Fredricksen (Up); Freya (Thor comics); Frieza (Dragon Ball); Froakie (Pokémon); Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians); Frosty the Snowman; Frozone (Incredibles); Philip J. Fry (Futurama); Frylock (Aqua Teen); Elmer Fudd; Yusei Fudo (Yu Gi Oh! 5D's); Furigaro (Zatch Bell); Fuu (Samurai Champloo); Deputy Fuzz (BraveStarr) G: Ga Ga Ga Girl (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Gaara (Naruto); Gourry Gabriev (Slayers); Inspector Gadget; Gally (Gunnm / Battle Angel Alita); Gambit (X-Men)*; Galatea (Claymore); Garfield; Gargamel (Smurfs); Monkey D Garp (One Piece); Mr Garrison (South Park); Genie (Aladdin); Genkai (Yu Yu Hakusho); Gigantor; Ginyu (Dragon Ball Z); GIR (Invader Zim); Gilag (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Giratina (Pokémon); Ga Ga Ga Girl (Yu Gi Oh Zexal); Dr. Girlfriend (Venture Bros.); Gizmo AKA Louis "Sweet Lou" Dunbar (The Super Globetrotters); Godzilla; Godzooky (The Godzilla Power Hour); Goku (Dragon Ball Z)*; Gokudo (Gokudo); Golem (Pokémon); Johnny Gomez (Celebrity Deathmatch); Gongenzaka (Yu Gi Oh! Arc V); Speedy Gonzales; Goofy; Gorgon (Marvel Comics); Magilla Gorilla; Gossamer (Looney Tunes); Gothorita (Pokemon); Greed (Fullmetal Alchemist); Zelgadis Greywords (Slayers); Stewie Griffin (Family Guy); Grimlock (Transformers); Grimm (Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy); Chief Ted Grizzly (Hoodwinked!); Grob Gob Glob Grod (Adventure Time); Gorilla Grodd (DC Comics); Miss Alordayne Grotkey (Recess); Gru (Despicable Me); Solomon Grundy (DC Comics); H: Captain Haddock (Adventures of Tintin); Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III (How to Train Your Dragon); Hades (Hercules); Hagar the Horrible; Haku (Naruto); Halinor (WITCH); Hamtaro; Hank (Dungeons and Dragons); Mr Hankey (South Park); Hannibal the Hunter (Birdman and the Galaxy Trio); Happy (Fairy Tail); Harmony (Care Bears); Haruna (Arpeggio of Blue Steel); Sakura Haruno (Naruto); Mad Hatter (Alice in Wonderland); Mad Hatter (Batman); Jim Hawkins (Treasure Planet); Hayley (American Dad); Witch Hazel (Looney Tunes); He-Man; Lucy Heartfilia (Fairy Tail); Heathcliff (Sword Art Online); Helen (Claymore); Helga (Oblongs); Integra Hellsing (Hellsing); Henry (Henry); John Herbert "the Pervert" (Family Guy); Hercules; Hex (Ben 10); Hiei (Yu Yu Hakusho); Hank Hill (King of the Hill); Him (Powerpuff Girls); Hyūga Hinata (Naruto); Yui Hirasawa (K-On); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes); Homily (The Secret World of Arrietty); Horakhty (Yu Gi Oh!); Horace Horsecollar (Disney); Ruri Hoshino (Martian Successor Nadesico); Howl (Howl's Moving Castle); Howler (Drak Pack)*; Huckleberry Hound; Hulk; Humungosaur (Ben 10); Hundun (Kung Fu Panda Legends of Awesomeness); Hypnotoad (Futurama); I: Iago (Aladdin); Lt. Carmen Ibanez (Roughnecks: Starship Troopers Chronicles); King Ice (Adventure Time); Strikemaster Ice (Jackie Chan Adventures); Yūko Ichihara (XXX Holic); Ken Ichijouji (Digimon); Ickis (Aaahh!! Real Monsters); Iczer-1 (Fight! Iczer-1); Ifurita (El Hazard); Igor (Igor); Ike (South Park); Ganta Igarashi (Deadman Wonderland); Igneel (Fairy Tail); Ignignokt (Aqua Teen Hunger Force); Igoo (Herculoids); Mr. Incredible (The Incredibles); Incrediboy (The Incredibles); Index (A Certain Magical Index); Infant (Inuyasha); Infernape (Pokémon); Infinity-Man (DC Comics); Ink (Marvel Comics); Inque (Batman Beyond); Inuyasha; Lina Inverse (Slayers); Iona (Arpeggio of Blue Steel); Ioz (Pirates of Dark Water); Iria (Iria: Zeiram the Animation)*; Iridessa (Tinkerbell); Iris (Pokémon); Irma (W.I.T.C.H); Iroh (Avatar: Last Airbender); Iron Fist; Iron Man (Marvel Comics); Ironhide (Transformers); Irwin (Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy); Matt Ishida (Digimon); Strong Ishijima (Yu Gi Oh!); Ishizu Ishtar (Yu Gi Oh!); Itchy (Simpsons); Ivan (Ivan the Incredible); Ivanhoe (Ivanhoe, the King's Knight); Poison Ivy (Batman); Konata Izumi (Lucky Star); Izzy (Total Drama Island) J Jabberjaw; Jackie the Jackal (Kim Possible); Jadal (Scooby Doo); Jafar (Aladdin); Jaga (Thundercats); Jake (Adventure Time); Jake (Jake and the Never Land Pirates); James (James and the Giant Peach); James (Pokémon); J Jonah Jamison (Spider-Man); Jango the Hypnotizer (One Piece); Jared (Superjail); Jasmine (Aladdin); Jean-Bob (The Swan Princess); Thomas Jefferson (Liberty's Kids); Dr. Jekyll (Scooby Doo); Jericho (Teen Titans); Jerry (Tom & Jerry); Jessie (Pokémon); George Jetson (Jetsons); Jane Jetson (The Jetsons); Judy Jetson (Jetsons); Jigen (Lupin III); Jigglypuff (Pokémon); Jin (Samurai Champloo)*; Katsuhiko Jinnai (El-Hazard); Jinx (Teen Titans); Jiraiya (Naruto); Jirōbō (Naruto); Ro Jisei (History's Strongest Disciple: Kenichi); Joat (Pirates of Dark Water); Ghost of Injun Joe (Scooby Doo); Joey (Back at the Barnyard); Booger Johnson (Sanjay and Craig); Mojo Jojo (Powerpuff Girls); The Joker (Batman); Jonathan/Johnnystein (Hotel Transylvania); Jerry Jones (NFL Rush Zone); Melody Jones (Josie and the Pussycats); Dr. Jumba Jookiba (Lilo And Stitch); Jubei (Ninja Scroll); Jubilee (X Men); Juggernaut (X-Men); Jughead Jones (The Archies) K: Kaa (Jungle Book); Kagome (Inuyasha); Seto Kaiba (Yu Gi Oh!); Kakashi (Naruto); King Kai (Dragon Ball Z); Kala (Tarzan); Kami (Dragon Ball Z); Kamina (Gurren Lagann); Madoka Kaname (Puella Magi Madoka Magica); Kanga (Winnie the Pooh); Katara (Avatar: Last Airbender); Mary Katherine (EPIC); Kawazoe Tamaki (Bamboo Blade); Kei (Dirty Pair); Kevin (Ed, Edd & Eddy); Governor Kevin (Teamo Supremo); Killjoy (Marvel Comics); Kilowog (Green Lantern); Kimimaro (Naruto); Skeleton King (Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go!); The Ghost of Elias Kingston (Scooby Doo); Sakura Kinomoto (Cardcaptor Sakura); Kirara (InuYasha); Jean Kirstein (Attack on Titan); Captain K'nucles (Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack); King Kong (The King Kong Show); Kongo (Arpeggio of Blue Steel); Korath (Marvel Comics); Korra (Legend of Korra); Tsumugi Kotobuki (K-On); Kowalski Sisters (Monsters University); Kris Kringle (Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town); Kristoff (Frozen); Krusty (Simpsons); Krypto the Superdog; Kumiko (Heroes); Kodachi Kuno (Ranma 1/2); Ukyo Kuonji (Ranma 1/2); Ichigo Kurasaki (Bleach); Kuroko Shirai (To Aru Majutsu No Index .. To Aru Kagaku No Railgun); Major Motoko Kusanagi (Ghost in the Shell); Kazuma Kuwabara (Yu Yu Hakusho); Kuzco (Emperor's New Groove); Madoka Kyouno (Lagrange); Kyubey (Puella Magi Madoka Magica); L: L (Death Note); Lady (Lady and the Tramp); Lambert the Sheepish Lion (Disney); Lelouch Lamperogue (Code Geass)*; Lois Lane (DC, Superman); Lana Lang (Superman); Tuun-La (The Tick); Larfleeze (Green Lantern: The Animated Series); Larry (Teen Titans); Peppermint Larry (The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack); Vince LaSalle (Recess); Justin Law (Soul Eater); Lazlo (Camp Lazlo); Juniper Lee (Life & Times of Juniper Lee); Rock Lee (Naruto)*; Ty Lee (Avatar: Last Airbender); Turanga Leela (Futurama); Leeron (Gurren Lagann); Lenny Leonard (Simpsons); Leroy (Lilo and Stitch); Kevin Levin (Ben 10); Lexington (Gargoyles); Lady Liberty (Schoolhouse Rock); Lickitung (Pokémon); Light (Death Note); Lilandra (Marvel Comics); Panther Lily (Fairy Tail); Lillybot (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Abigail "Abby" Lincoln a.k.a. "Numbuh 5" (Kids Next Door); Ling Ling  (Ranma 1/2); Ling-Ling (Drawn Together); Lion-O (Thunder Cats); Linus (Peanuts); Littlefoot (Land Before Time); Lizard (Spider Man); Juvia Lockser (Fairy Tail); Loki; Susan Long (American Dragon Jake Long); Loo-Kee (She-Ra Princess of Power); Lorax (The Lorax); Frugal Lucre (Kim Possible); Monkey D. Luffy (One Piece)*; Lum (Urusei Yatsura); Lumiere (Beauty and the Beast);   Lung Lung (Ranma 1/2); Lydia (Beetlejuice) M: Mr. Mackey (South Park); Mad Mod (Teen Titans); Mai (Avatar: Last Airbender); Mako (Legend of Korra); Mala (Battle for Terra); Mandarin (Super Robot Monkey Team Hyper Force Go!); Mandark (Dexter's Laboratory); Mannaka Junpei (Ichigo 100% / 100% Strawberry); Manny (Ice Age); Marceline (Adventure Time); Miss Marvel (Marvel Comics); Marvin the Martian; Tenchi Masaki (Tenchi Muyo); Dungeon Master (Dungeons and Dragons); Maximus (Tangled); Mari Maya (Samurai Flamenco); Kenny McCormick (South Park); Lightning McQueen (Cars); Olivia Mears (American Dragon Jake Long); Megamind; Melman (Madigascar); Melomelody (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Meow/Merowmreowreow (Space Dandy); Meowth (Pokémon); Meta Man (The Incredibles); Reiko Mikami (GS Mikami); Sayaka Miki (Puella Magi Madoka Magica); Madam Mim (The Sword in the Stone); Miroku (Inuyasha); Mikoto Misaka (A Certain Scientific Railgun); Captain Yurika Misumaru (Martian Successor Nadesico); Mokona (Magic Knight Rayearth); Gaëtan "Mole" Molière (Atlantis: The Lost Empire); Mom (Futurama); Takeshi Momoshiro (Prince of Tennis); Morbius (Marvel); Princess Morbucks (Powerpuff Girls); Mordecai (Regular Show); Mort (Madagascar); Micky Mouse; Mighty Mouse; Fievel Mousekewitz (An American Tale); Mousse (Ranma 1/2); Mugen (Samurai Champloo); Fa Mulan (Mulan); Captain Hank Murphy (Sealab 2021);

I'm always still in trouble again You're by far the worst poster on TWeb -- starlight

PART II N: Naga (Legend of Korra); Nagamimi (Requiem From the Darkness); Azusa Nakano (K-On); Tsubaki Nakatsukasa (Soul Eater); Nala (The Lion King); Nami (One Piece)*; Nancy; Napoleon (The Aristocats); Shikamaru Nara (Naruto); Naraku (Inuyasha)*; Naru "the Narcissist" (Ghost Hunt); Naru Narusegawa (Love Hina); Nazz (Ed, Edd & Eddy); Zorc Necrophades (Yu Gi Oh!); Kida Nedakh (Atlantis The Lost Empire); Ned Needlemeyer (Nightmare Ned); Dr. Nefario (Despicable Me); Negaduck (Darkwing Duck); Yuzuriha Nekoi (X); Nemo (American Dad!); Nemo (Finding Nemo); Elemental Hero Neos (Yu Gi Oh! GX); Nerdator (Freakazoid!); Jimmy Neutron; Nibbler (Futurama); Nia (Gurren Lagann); Nick (Chicken Run); Niddler (Pirates of Darkwater); Nightcrawler (Inhumanoids); Nightcrawler (X-Men); Nightshroud (Yu Gi Oh! GX); Nightwing; Number Nine (Schoolhouse Rocks); Ninetales (Pokémon); Ninja Ninja (Afro Samurai); Mr. Nishi (Whisper of the Heart)*; Noah Nixon (Generator Rex); Noah (Total Drama Island); Noctowl (Pokémon); Shinnosuke "Shin" Nohara (Shin Chan); Norman (ParaNorman); Nova (Magic Knight Rayearth); Nova (Ultimate Spider-Man); (Hello) Nurse (Anamaniacs); Nyla (Avatar the Last Airbender) O: Oa (Green Lantern); Professor Samuel Oak (Pokémon); Obelix (Asterix and Obelix); Octagon (Thundarr the Barbarian); Dr. Otto "Octopus" Octavius (Spider Man); Odie (Garfield); Mama Odie (The Princess and the Frog); Odion (Yu Gi Oh); Chihiro Ogino (Spirited Away); Ollie Oilslick (Galaxy High School); Olaf (Frozen); Oliver (Oliver & Co.); Ollie (Family Guy); Shu Oma (Guilty Crown); Omi (Xiaolin Showdown); One (Generator Rex); Numbuh One Oogi (The Legend of Korra); (Codename: Kids Next Door); April O'Neil (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles); Onix (Pokémon) ; Dr. Tofu Ono (Ranma 1/2); Onslaught (Marvel Comics); Oogway (Kung Fu Panda); Ookla (Thundarr the Barbarian); Oonoki (Naruto)*; Opacho (Shaman King); Ophelia (Claymore); Opus (Bloom County); Orochimaru (Naruto); Orphen (Orphen); Dr. Byron Orpheus (Venture Bros.); Otto Osworth (Time Squad); Mutsumi Otohime (Love Hina); Otter (Franklin); Otto (Simpsons); Overlord (Blackstar); Owen (Total Drama Island); Owl (Winnie the Pooh); Oyuki (Urusei Yatsura); Olive Oyl (Popeye); Firelord Ozai (Avatar: Last Airbender); Ozzie (Over the Hedge) P:  Pablo the Penguin (Three Caballeros); Pacha (Emperor's New Groove); Paddlefoot (Clutch Cargo); Pain/Pein (Naruto); Peter Pan*; Panini (Chowder); Pink Panther; Panthro (Thundercats); Patrick (Spongebob Squarepants); Relena Peacecraft (Gundam Wing); Lilo Pelekai (Lilo & Stitch); The Penguin; Alfred Pennysworth (Batman); Peppa Pig; Peppermint Patty (Peanuts); Perdita (101 Dalmatians); Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb); Joe Petto (The Boondocks); Piccolo (Dragon Ball); Pickles the drummer (Metalocalypse); Tommy Pickles (Rugrats); Pig (Kipper); Piglet (Winnie the Pooh); Pikachu (Pokémon); Mr. Ping (Kung Fu Panda); Pinky (Pinky & the Brain); Pinocchio; Pinocchio (Shrek); Penelope Pitstop (Wacky Races/Perils of Penelope Pitstop); P.I.X.A.L. (Ninjago); Polly Pocket; Polaris (Marvel Comics); Ponta (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Ponygon (Zatch Bell); Poopdeck Pappy (Popeye); Popeye; Mr. Popo (Dragon Ball); Porky Pig; Jane Porter (Tarzan); Pepper Potts (Iron Man); Presto (Dungeons and Dragons); Primera (Magic Knight Rayearth); Priscilla (Claymore); Pumba (Lion King) Q: Q ([C] - The Money of Soul and Possibility Control); Dr. Q (Dirty Pair); Master Q (Old Master Q); Q-Bert (Wreck It Ralph); Q-chan (Petshop of Horrors); QT (Space Dandy); Quacker The Duck (Tom and Jerry); Quackerjack (Darkwing Duck); Glen Quagmire (Family Guy); Ida/Dan Quagmire (Family Guy); Quailman (Doug); Quake (Marvel Comics); Quakemaster (DC Comics); Quarry (Generator Rex); Rose Quartz (Steven Universe); Quasimodo (The Hunchback of Notre-Dame); Queen (A Bug's Life); "The Queen" (of Corona-- Tangled); The Evil Queen (Snow White)*; Galaxy Queen (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Queenie (Claymore); Marquess of Queensberry (Mike Tyson Mysteries); Dr. Benton Quest (Jonny Quest); Jonny Quest; The Question (Justice League); Quetzal (Dragon Tales); Quicksilver (Marvel); Quilava (Pokémon); Peter Quill (Guardians of the Galaxy); Moon Dragon Quilla (Yu Gi Oh! 5D's); Chief Quimby (Inspector Gadget); Mayor Joe Quimby (Simpsons); Quincy (Bubblegum Crisis); Ashley Quinlan (Recess); Quinn (Daria); Quinn (Ergo Proxy); Harley Quinn (Batman); Dr. Quentin Q. Quinn (Sealab 2021); Quint (Timon and Pumbaa); Quintesson (Transformers); Quinze (Gundam Wing); Qwilfish (Pokémon); Quisp (Quisp comics and commercials); Quiver (Marvel Comics); Q-vier (Valvrave the Liberator) R: Mumm-Ra (Thundercats); The Winged Dragon of Ra (Yu Gi Oh!); Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit); Roger Rabbit; Raditz (Dragon Ball Z); Raichu (Pokémon); Rajah (Aladdin); Ralph (Wreck-it Ralph); Ran (Urusei Yatsura); Raphael (TMNT); Rapunzel (Tangled); Rasputin (Disney's Anastasia); Razoul (Aladdin); Solty Revant (Solty Rei); Raven (Teen Titans); Remy (Ratatouille); Ren (DearS); Ren (Pirates of Dark Water); Ren (Ren & Stimpy); Renji (Bleach); Reptar (Rugrats); Revy (Black Lagoon); Rico (Penguins of Madagascar); Flynn Rider (Rapunzel); The Riddler (Batman); Rigby (Regular Show); Manny Rivera (El Tigre); Dr. Nick Riviera (Simpsons); Roadrunner; Robin (Teen Titans); Nico Robin (One Piece); Wilbur Robinson (Meet the Robinsons); Rocko (Rocko's Modern Life); Roger (American Dad); Rogue (X-men); Rojo (Ben 10); Rokujiro (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); King Roland (Sofia the First); Rolf (Ed, Edd & Eddy); Nene Romanova (Bubblegum Crisis); Rosie (The Jetsons); Rothbart (The Swan Princess); Lyle Tiberius Rourke (Atlantis: The Lost Empire); Barney Rubble (Flintstones); Russell (Up); Umi Ryuuzaki (Magic Knight Rayearth) S: Saber (Fate/Stay Night); Kyoko Sakura (Puella Magi Madoka Magica); Samehada (Naruto); Rick Sanchez (Rick and Morty); Sango (Inuyasha); Sanji (One Piece); Ranma Saotome (Ranma 1/2); Sartorius (Yu Gi Oh! GX); Sailor Saturn (Sailor Moon); Scar (Lion King); Schnitzel (Chowder); Scooby Doo; Scruffy Scruffington (Futurama); Saint Seiya; Samurai Jack; Sebastian (Little Mermaid); Hashirama Señor Senior, Senior (Kim Possible); Senju (Naruto); Sesshomaru (Inuyasha); Shaggy (Scooby Doo); Master Shake (Aqua Teen Hunger Force); Shampoo (Ranma 1/2); Shang (Mulan); Shenron (Dragon Ball); Sherman (Mr Peabody and Sherman); Shippo (Inuyasha); Uchiha Shisui (Naruto); Shrek; Maggie Simpson (The Simpsons); Skeletor (He-Man); Skips (Regular Show); Skuld (Oh My Goddess!); Berry Shirayuki (Tokyo Mew Mew); Shredder (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles); Skwisgaar Skwigelf (Metalocalypse); Ranger Smith (Yogi Bear); Asuka Langley Soryu (Neon Genesis Evangelion); Spike Spiegel (Cowboy Bebop); Patrick Star (Sponge Bob); Starfire (Teen Titans); Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben (Liberty's Kids); Sue Storm (Fantastic 4)*; Jorgen Von Strangle (Fairly Odd Parents); James P. "Sulley" Sullivan (Monsters, Inc.); Superman (DC Comics); Sylvester the cat; Syndrome (Incredibles) T: Tailfeather (Valiant); Takao (Arpeggio of Blue Steel); Trixie Tang (Fairly Odd Parents); Tantor (Tarzan); Tarrlok (Avatar Legend of Korra); Tasmanian “Taz” Devil;  Rikki Tikki Tavi; Tayuya (Naruto); Akane Tendo (Ranma 1/2); Ben Tennyson (various Ben Ten); Tenten (Naruto); Tenzin (Legend of Korra); Teresa (Claymore); Terk (Tarzan); Terra (Teen Titans); Thomson and Thompson (Adventures of Tintin); King Throktar (Dave the Barbarian); Tiamat (Dungeons and Dragons); Tiana (Princess and the Frog); Tigger (Winnie the Pooh); Tigress (Kung Fu Panda); Tigress (Young Justice); Timmy (South Park); Timon (Lion King); Tinkerbell; Tintin (Adventures of Tintin); Mister Toad (Beware the Batman); Tohru (Jackie Chan Adventures); Token (South Park); Tom (Tom and Jerry); Ashley Tomassian / "Ashley T." (Recess); Bob the Tomato (Veggie Tales); Mami Tomoe (Puella Magi Madoka Magica); Top Cat; Toph (Avatar: Last Airbender); Tornadus (Pokémon); Tramp (Lady & the Tramp); Bolivar Trask (Marvel Comics); Tundro (Herculoids); Turtwig (Pokémon); Tennessee Tuxedo; Timmy Turner (Fairly Odd Parents); Tweek Tweak (South Park); Tweety Bird; Tyrannosaurus (Meet the Robinsons); Mike Tyson (Mike Tyson Mysteries) U: Ubik (Berserk); Sasuke Uchiha (Naruto); Kosuke Ueki (Law of Ueki); Uglor (Herculoids); Nyota Uhura (Star Trek: the Animated Series); Kazari Uiharu (A Certain Scientific Railgun); Ukon (Naruto); Ultron (Marvel Comics); Umagon/Ponygon (Zatch Bell); Umbreon (Pokémon); Gurio Umino (Sailor Moon); Iruka Umino (Naruto); Unalaq (Avatar The Legend of Korra); Uncle (Jackie Chan Adventures); Underdog (Total Television); Allison Underhill (Kaijudo: Rise of the Duel Masters); The Underminer (The Incredibles); Captain Underpants; Undertaker (Black Butler); Weevil Underwood (Yu Gi Oh!); Uni (Dungeons and Dragons); Unico (Unico); Unicron (Transformers); Steven Universe (Steven Universe); Nigel Uno (Codename Kids Next Door); Upchuck (Ben 10); Upgrade (Ben 10); Upin (Upin & Ipin); Ur (Fairy Tail); Kisuke Urahara (Bleach); Yusuke Urameshi (Yu Yu Hakusho); Urd (Oh My Goddess!); Forever King Urian (Ben 10); Urouge (One Piece); Ursaring (Pokémon); Keitaro Urashima (Love Hina); Ursula (Little Mermaid); Ururu (Bleach); Urutori (Utawarerumono); Usagi Tsukino (Sailor Moon); Usagi Yojimbo; Usopp (One Piece); Utakata (Naruto); Professor Utonium (Powerpuff Girls); Uvogin (Hunter x Hunter); Naruto Uzumaki (Naruto) V: V (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Chester V (Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2); Vaatu (Legend of Korra); Faye Valentine (Cowboy Bebop); Mai Valentine (Yu-Gi-Oh!); Skeeter Valentine (Doug); Jimmy Valmer (South Park); Valmont (Jackie Chan Adventures); Webbigail "Webby" Vanderquack (Duck Tales); Vaporeon (Pokémon); Varrick (Legend of Korra); Vash the Stampede (Trigun); Miss Vavoom (Droopy); Vector (Despicable Me); Vector (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Vegeta (Dragon Ball Z); King Vegeta (Dragon Ball); Velma (Scooby Doo); Venger (Dungeons and Dragons); Venom (Spiderman); Dr. Thaddeus S. "Rusty" Venture (Venture Brothers); Rune Venus (El-Hazard); Mavis Vermillion (Fairy Tail); Vermouth/Sharon Vineyard (Case Closed/Detective Conan); Vexen (Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories);.Vetrix / Tron / Byron Arclight (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Vicky (Fairly Odd Parents); Seras Victoria (Hellsing); Aerial Viking (Kingdom Hearts II Final Mix);Dr. Viktor (Ben 10); Vincent (Regular Show); Virulina (Visionaries); Vitalstatistix (Asterix and Obelix); Nefertari Vivi (One Piece); Vlad Vladikoff (Horton Hears a Who); Vladimir (Tangled); Volcasaurus (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Yukio Hans Vorarlberna (Bleach); Canal Vorfeed (Lost Universe); Vortex (Transformers); Vostok (Generator Rex); Ma Vreedle (Ben 10);  Octagon Vreedle (Ben 10); Pretty Boy Vreedle (Ben 10); Rhomboid Vreedle (Ben 10); Veronica Vreeland (Batman:The Animated Series); Vulpix (Pokémon); The Vulture (Spider-Man) W: Waddles (Gravity Falls); Wakko (Animaniacs); Bismarck Waldstein (Code Geass); Wallace (Wallace & Gromit); Wanda (Fairly Odd Parents); Wardrobe (Beauty and the Beast); Toki Wartooth (Metalocalypse); Baron Wasteland (Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?); Gumball Watterson (Amazing World of Gumball); Bruce Wayne (Batman); Mike Wazowski (Monsters Inc.)*; Wendigo (Marvel Comics); Wendy, the Good Little Witch (Casper the Friendly Ghost); Werewolf (Scooby Doo); Professor Ogden Wernstrom (Futurama); Wally West ("Kid Flash" DC Comics)*; Joey Wheeler (Yu Gi Oh); Carl Wheezer (Jimmy Neutron); Snow White; Wild Child (Marvel); Chilly Willy*; Wilt (Fosters Home for Imaginary Friends); Mr. Wink (Codename Kids Next Door); Quatre Raberba Winner (Gundam Wing); Winry (Fullmetal Alchemist); Winston (Oliver and Company); Witch (Scooby Doo); Witch of the Waste (Howl's Moving Castle); Nicholas D. Wolfwood (Trigun); Wolverine (X-men); Wonder Woman; Amy Wong (Futurama); Woodcarver/Witch (Brave); Woody Woodpecker; Woodstock (Peanuts); Woody (Toy Story -- and sequels); William Walter Wordsworth (Trinity Blood); Wordsworth W. Wordsworth (Catillac Cats); Warren Worthington III (Marvel Comics); Wrath (Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood); Hsi Wu (Jackie Chan Adventures); Chang Wufei (Gundam Wing); X: X the Eliminator (Birdman); Agent X (Marvel Comics); Alien X (Ben 10); Awesome X (Frisky Dingo); Crashbug X (Yu Gi Oh! Zexal); Doctor Double X (DC Comics); Racer X (Speed Racer)*; Red X (Teen Titans); Samurai X (Rurouni Kenshin); Truman X (The X's); Tuesday X (The X's); WarGreymon X (Digimon X-Evolution); X-9 (King Features); X-cutioner (Marvel); X-Ray (Marvel Comics); XANA (Code Lyoko); Madame Xanadu (Young Justice); David Xanatos (Gargoyles); Petros Xanatos (Gargoyles); Xander (Drawn Together); Xanxus (Reborn!); Xatu (Pokémon); Xavier (Xavier: Renegade Angel); Charles Xavier (X-Men); Francisco Xavier III (Samurai Champloo); Red-Eyed Xaxa (Sword Art Online); Xanxus (Reborn!); Xellos (Slayers); Xemnas (Kingdom Hearts); Xenocyte (Ben 10); Xenovia (Highschool DxD); Xerneas (Pokémon); Xerxes (Aladdin); Xibalba (Book of the Dead); Xigbar (Kingdom Hearts); Li Xingke (Code Geass); Xion (Kingdom Hearts); XJ-1 (My Life as a Teenage Robot); XJ-2 (My life as a Teenage Robot); XJ-9 (My Life as a Teenage Robot); Megas XLR (Megas XLR); XLR8 (Ben 10); Xnfe (Black Rock Shooter); XR (Buzz Lightyear); Xylie (Barbie in A Mermaid Tale); Professor XXXL (Cpodename: Kids Next Door) Y: Tai Yagami (Digimon); Yagura (Naruto); Yajirobe (Dragon Ball); Yakko (Animaniacs); Ino Yamanaka (Naruto); Miyu Yamano (Vampire Princess Miyu); Tatsu Yamashiro (Beware the Batman); Yamask (Pokémon); Julie Yamamoto (Ben 10); Captain Yamato (Naruto)*; Kira Yamato (Gundam Seed); Linna Yamazaki (Bubblegum Crisis); Yamcha (Dragon Ball Z); Yan Yan (American Dragon: Jake Long); Tenzen Yanagi (Yu Gi Oh! 5D's); Yao (Mulan); Eren Yeager (Attack on Titan); Yellowbird (Yellowbird); Miss Yelp (Horton Hears a Who!); Y'Garon (Marvel Comics); Yin (Darker Than Black); Yo (Yin Yang Yo); Yobi (Yobi, the Five Tailed Fox); Yoda; Yogi Bear; Yoh (Shaman King); Yoko (Gurren Lagann); Yokochini (Bleach); Yolei (Digimon); Val Yor (Teen Titans); Yori (Kim Possible); Yoshi (Mario Bros); Chizuru Yoshida (Kimi ni Todoke); Fujieda Yoshino (Digimon Data Squad); Chase Young (Xiaolin Showdown); Yubaba (Spirited Away); Yugo (Yu Gi Oh! Arc V); Yui (Sword Art Online); Jaden Yuki (Yu Gi Oh! GX); Yukime (Jigoku Sensei Nube); Yuto (Yu Gi Oh); Azusa Yumi (Soul Eater); Yuri (Dirty Pair); Heero Yuy (Gundam Wing); Inori Yuzuriha (Guilty Crown); Yzma (Emperor's New Groove) Z: Z-one (Yu Gi Oh! 5D's); Zabar (Aladdin); Mike Zacharius (Attack on Titan); Zagato (Magic Knight Rayearth); Zaheer (Legend of Korra); Athrun Zala (Gundam Seed); Zan (Wonder Twins); Zancrow (Fairy Tail); Zandor (The Herculoids); Zane (AstroBoy); Tensa Zangetsu (Bleach); Zangoose (Pokémon); Zarbon (Dragon Ball); Zarina (Pirate Fairy); King Zarkon (Voltron); Zatara (D.C. Comics); Zatanna (Justice League/Young Justice); Zartan (GI Joe: Sigma 6); Zazu (The Lion King); Zazzala (DC Comics); Zelman (Black Blood Brotherhood); Baron Zemo (Marvel Comics); Inspector Zenigata (Lupin III); Zenki (Zenki); Zephyr (Marvel Comics); Zeref (Fairy Tail); Zero (Nightmare Before Christmas); Zero (Schoolhouse Rocks); Zero (Vampire Knights); White Zetsu (Naruto); Zeus (Disney's Hercules); Zigzagoon (Pokémon); Zim (Invader Zim); Queen Zinn (Dungeons and Dragons); Chet Zipper (As Told by Ginger); Zix (Jimmy Neutron); Nosferatu Zodd the Immortal (Berserk); Zoey (Total Drama Island); Dr. Zoidberg (Futurama); No-Face Zombie (Scooby Doo); Lightning Bolt Zolt (Legend of Korra); Zombozo (Ben 10); Queen Zonthara (Dave the Barbarian); Zoom (Battle Force 5); Zorak (Space Ghost); Roronoa Zoro (One Piece); Zs'Skayr (Ben 10); Zuko (Avatar: Last Airbender)

[lipwak]

VHS #367

Martin Scorsese - The Blues simulcast on WBGO https://www.pbs.org/theblues/index.html The first 4 episodes. (#4 is partial) 1)  Feel Like Going Home by Martin Scorsese1 & 1/2 hrs You Can’t Lose What You Ain’t Never Had - Muddy Waters, Martin talks about the series, work songs, Leadbelly- Goodnight Irene, Corey Harris, Corey meets Sam Carr, Willie King, Muddy Waters at Stovall place, Son House - ain’t but one kind of blues, Dick Waterman, Taj Mahal, Spoonful, Johnny Shines, Robert Johnson - Hellhound On My Trail, Sweet Home Chicago, Keb Mo, squeeze my lemon, John Lee Hooker, african fife and drum, Bamako, Mali, Salif Keita - Ana Na Ming, Habib Koite, Sankore Mosque, Toumani Diabate, Ali Farka Touré, Otha Turner & The Rising Star Fife & Drum Band - My Babe. performances: Ali Farka Touré Corey Harris Salif Keita Son House Taj Mahal John Lee Hooker Keb' Mo' Willie King Interviews: Corey Harris Sam Carr Toumani Diabate Willie King Dick Waterman Taj Mahal Johnny Shines Otha Turner Ali Farka Toure Habib Koité Salif Keita Keb' Mo' (Not in order) 1. Robert Johnson- Traveling Riverside Blues Recorded Dallas, Texas; June 20, 1937 2. Johnny Shines- Dynaflow Blues Recorded Chicago, Illinois; December, 1965 3. Robert Johnson- Hell Hound On My Trail Recorded Dallas, Texas; June 20, 1937 4. Muddy Waters - Country Blues Recorded Stovall, Mississippi; August 26-31, 1941 5. Taj Mahal - The Celebrated Walking Blues Recorded Hollywood, California; August 18, 1967 6. Son Simms Four - Rosalie Recorded Stovall, Mississippi; July 24, 1942 7. Son House - My Black Mama Pt. II Recorded Grafton, Wisconson; May 28, 1930 8. Son House - Government Fleet Blues Recorded Klack's Store, Lake Cormorant, Mississippi; August 24-31, 1941 9. Muddy Waters- Gypsy Woman Recorded Chicago, Illinois; 1947 10. Charley Patton - High Water Everywhere Pt. I Recorded Grafton, Wisconson; October, 1929 11. Lead Belly - CC Rider Recorded New York, New York; January 23, 1935 12. Willie King & The Liberators - Terrorized Recorded Aliceville, Alabama; April 19, 2003 13. Napoleon Strickland & Otha Turner - Oh Baby Recorded 1967 14. Otha Turner & Corey Harris - Lay My Burden Down Recorded Senatobia, Mississippi; June 9, 2001 15. Ali Farka Toure - Mali Dje Recorded Niafunke, Mali; 1999 16. John Lee Hooker - Tupelo Blues Recorded Detroit, Michigan; April, 1959 17. Ali Farka Toure - Amandrai Recorded London, England; 1988 18. John Lee Hooker - Hobo Blues Recorded Detroit, Michigan; 1949 19. Salif Keita - Ana Na Ming Recorded Mali; August 16, 2001 20. Otha Turner & The Rising Star Fife & Drum Band - My Babe (Willie Dixon) Recorded St. Ann's Warehouse, Brooklyn, New York; November 9, 2001 *** credits for one of them. John The Revelator m Corey Harris and Otha Turner - Sitting on Top Of The World *** 2)  The Soul of a Man by Wim Wenders2/29/?simulcast on WBGO You Can’t Lose What You Ain’t Never Had - Muddy Waters, Martin intro, NASA Voyager disc with blues on it, actor as Blind Willie Johnson, Marc Ribot, Skip James wins talent show, Lucinda Williams, Alvin Youngblood Hart, Bonnie Raitt, …, John Mayall, Roosevelt Sykes had a rent paying party, Skip was there, Bonnie Raitt,  Steve and Ronnog Seaberg, Los Lobos, JB Lenoir, Shemekia Copeland, T Bone Burnett, Cassandra Wilson, Dick Waterman, Skip James at Newport, Cream - I’m So Glad,  Garland Jeffreys,  Eagle-Eye Cherry, Vernon Reid and James "Blood” Ulmer. Skip James Blind Willie Johnson J. B. Lenoir (not in order) 1. Cassandra Wilson - Vietnam Blues (J.B. Lenoir) 2. Eagle-Eye Cherry, Vernon Reid and James "Blood" Ulmer - Down In Mississippi (J.B. Lenoir) 3. Lucinda Williams  - Hard Time Killing Floor Blues (Nehemiah Skip James) Lucinda Williams (guitar, vocal); , Bo Ramsey (guitar) Recorded at St. Ann's, Brooklyn, November 9, 2001 4. Lou Reed - Look Down The Road (Nehemiah Skip James) 5. Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - I Feel So Good (J.B. Lenoir) 6. Cassandra Wilson  - Slow Down (J.B. Lenoir) 7. T Bone Burnett  - Don't Dog Your Woman (J.B. Lenoir) 8. Los Lobos  - Voodoo Music (J.B. Lenoir) 9. John Mayall & The Bluesbreakers - The Death Of J.B. Lenoir John Mayall (harmonica, piano, guitar, vocal);  Mick Taylor (guitar); John McVie (bass); Keef Hartley (drums); Recorded at Decca Studios, London, July 11-12, 1967; originally released 1967. 10. J.B. Lenoir - Alabama Blues (J.B. Lenoir) Recorded Chicago, May 5, 1965; original release date unknown. 11. Shemekia Copeland  - God's Word (J.B. Lenoir) 12. Alvin Youngblood Hart - Illinois Blues (Nehemiah Skip James) 13. Beck - I'm So Glad (Nehemiah Skip James) 14. The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - Special Rider Blues (Nehemiah Skip James) 15. Marc Ribot  - Dark Was The Night, Cold Was The Ground (Willie Johnson) 16. Bonnie Raitt  - Devil Got My Woman (Nehemiah Skip James) 17. Skip James  - Crow Jane (Nehemiah Skip James) Recorded 1964; original released 1965. 18. Garland Jeffreys  - Washington, D.C. Hospital Blues (Nehemiah Skip James) 19. Blind Willie Johnson  - Soul Of A Man Recorded Atlanta, Georgia; April 20, 1930; original release date unknown. 20. Lou Reed  - See That My Grave Is Kept Clean (Blind Lemon Jefferson) followed byA conversation with Wim Wenders and Alex GibneyHow they made the movie. *** 3) The Road to Memphis by Richard Pearce2 hrs See the whole thing here: https://youtu.be/Aie3iOHkRnw 1 & 1/2 hrsBobby Rush, BB King, Rosco Gordon, Rufus Thomas, Beale St, WDIA, Martha White flour ad, The Thrill Is Gone, the chitlin circuit, Sam Phillips, Howlin Wolf, Junior Parker, Ike Turner, Ike and Sam in the Sun Studios, talk race relations, The Coasters, Fats Domino, Little Richard, church service, Jim Dickinson, BB talks about playing the Fillmore West with a white audience, 1968, Rev. Gatemouth Moore, Handy Awards at the Orpheum Theater, dress rehearsal, show, 6 weeks after that show Rosco died. Robert Gordon B. B. King Bobby Rush Rosco Gordon Ike Turner (not in order) 1. Rev. Gatemouth MooreBeale Street Ain't Beale Street No More (live street recording) — 1:10 Rev. Gatemouth Moore (vocals) Recorded on Beale Street, Memphis, Tennessee, February 5, 2002 2. Elmore James Dust My Broom — 2:45 Elmore James (vocals, guitar); Sonny Boy Williamson (harmonica) 3. B.B. King Three O'Clock Blues — 3:01 B.B. King (vocals, guitar); Johnny Ace (piano) Recorded Memphis, Tennessee, circa September 1951 4. Howlin' Wolf How Many More Years — 2:43 Howlin' Wolf (vocals, harmonica); Willie Johnson (guitar); Ike Turner or Albert Williams (piano) Recorded Memphis, Tennessee, either May 14 or August 1951 5. Howlin' Wolf Moanin' At Midnight — 2:57 Howlin' Wolf (vocals, harmonica); Recorded Memphis, Tennessee, either May 14 or August 1951 6. Rosco Gordon Rosco's Boogie — 2:45 Rosco Gordon (vocals, piano) Recorded Memphis, Tennessee, February 1951 7. Little Junior's Blue Flames Mystery Train — 2:26 Junior Parker (vocals); probably: Floyd Murphy (guitar); William Johnson (piano); possibly Kenneth Banks (bass); John Bowers (drums) Recorded Memphis, Tennessee, September/October 1953 8. Jackie Brenston Rocket 88 — 2:48 Jackie Brenston (vocal, baritone sax);; Ike Turner (piano); Recorded Memphis, Tennessee, March 3, 1951 9. B.B. King Precious Lord — 3:22 B.B. King (vocals, guitar); The Charioteers (backing vocals); remainder of personnel unknown Recorded Los Angeles, California, 1959 10. Bobby Rush Hoochie Man (live) — 6:19 Bobby Rush (vocals, harmonica) Recorded at Larry's Place, Nesbit, Mississippi, February 9, 2002 11. Robert Belfour Done Got Old (live) — 4:04 Robert Belfour (vocals, guitar) Recorded at The New Daisy Theatre, Memphis, Tennessee, May 24, 2002 12. Bobby Rush Hen Pecked — 5:55 Cumulative album personnel: Bobby Rush (vocals, guitar, harmonica) Recorded Jackson, Mississippi, Memphis, Tennessee, Miami, Florida, 1995 13. Rev. Charles E. Polk & The Saint Luther Choir Medley: Stand Still, Stay Right Here / Dance For The Devil (live) — 4:54 Reverend Charles E. Polk (vocals); The Saint Luther Choir (vocals); Darron Daniel (keyboards); Dexter Allen (guitar); Fred Robinson (bass); Stacey Robinson (drums) Recorded at the St. Luther Church, Jackson, Mississippi, May 19, 2002 14. Bobby Bland I Pity The Fool — 2:42 Bobby Bland (vocals); Recorded Chicago, Illinois, November 12, 1960 15. Sonny Boy Williamson Bring It On Home — 2:34 Sonny Boy Williamson (vocals, harmonica);; Matt Murphy (guitar) 16. Hubert Sumlin & David Johansen Killing Floor (live) — 4:03 David Johansen (vocal); Hubert Sumlin, Bob Margolin (guitars); Charlie Musselwhite (harmonica); Henry Gray (keyboards) Recorded at The New Daisy Theater, Memphis, Tennessee, May 24, 2002 17. Rosco Gordon Now You're Gone — 4:46 Rosco Gordon (vocals, piano); Duke Robillard (guitars) Recorded at Lakewest Studios, West Greenwich, Rhode Island, January, 2000 followed by In Love With The BluesA conversation with Peter Guralnick, Robert Gordon, Richard Pearce, Robert Kenner, Bobby Rush, BB King, Robert Belfour. 1/2 hr *** 4) Warming by the Devil's Fire by Charles Burnett46:00 See the whole thing here: http://www.magazzininesistenti.it/warming-by-the-devils-fire-charles-burnett-documentary-film-2003/ 1959, New Orleans train station, PA RR GG-1, Big Bill Broonzy, Congo Square, jazz funeral, Eureka Brass Band, Fats Houston, Son House, Sister Rosetta Tharpe, Mamie Smith,  Ma Rainey, Ida Cox, Dinah Washington, Lucille Bogan, Sonny Boy Williamson, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Sam Chatmon, Charley Patton, tape runs out. Big Bill Broonzy Elizabeth Cotten Reverend Gary DavisIda CoxWillie Dixon Jesse Fuller John Lee Hooker Lightnin' Hopkins Son House Mississippi John Hurt Vasti Jackson Bessie Smith Mamie Smith Victoria Spivey Sister Rosetta Tharpe Dinah Washington Muddy Waters Sonny Boy Williamson (not in order) 1. Jelly Roll Morton Turtle Twist Jelly Roll Morton (piano); Barney Bigard (clarinet); Zutty Singleton (drums) Recorded New York City, New York; December 17, 1929 2. Ma Rainey See See Rider Ma Rainey (vocal) acc. by Her Georgia Jazz Band: Louis Armstrong (trumpet); Fletcher Henderson (piano) Recorded New York City, New York; October 16, 1924 3. Son House Death Letter Recorded New York City, New York; April 12-14, 1965 4. Billie Holiday I'm A Fool To Want You Billie Holiday (vocal) Recorded New York City, New York; February 19, 1958 5. Mississippi John Hurt Big Leg Blues Recorded New York City, New York; December 21, 1928 6. Memphis Jug Band K.C. Moan Recorded Memphis, Tennessee; October 4, 1929 7. Robert Johnson Sweet Home Chicago Recorded San Antonio, Texas; November 23, 1936 8. Tommy McClennan Deep Blue Sea Blues Recorded Chicago, Illinois; September 15, 1941 9. Bessie Smith Muddy Waters Bessie Smith (vocal); Coleman Hawkins (clarinet); Fletcher Henderson (piano) Recorded New York City, New York; March 2, 1927 10. Sonny Boy Williamson Cross My Heart Sonny Boy Williamson (vocal-harmonica); Robert Jr. Lockwood (guitar);, Otis Spann (piano); Willie Dixon (bass) Recorded Chicago, Illinois; September, 1957 11. Elmore James Dust My Broom Sonny Boy Williamson (harmonica) Recorded Jackson, Mississippi; August 5, 1951 12. Willie Dixon Nervous Blues Archival Footage 13. Muddy Waters You Can't Lose What You Ain't Never Had Muddy Waters (vocal-guitar); Otis Spann (piano) Recorded Chicago, Illinois; April 1964 14. W.C. Handy Beale Street Blues 15. Charley Patton Hang It On The Wall Recorded New York City, New York; February 1, 1934 16. Sister Rosetta Tharpe Up Above My Head I Hear Music In The Air Recorded New York City, New York; November 24, 1947 17. Carmen Twillie Give Me Freedom 18. Mildred Jones Mr. Thrill Recorded Houston, Texas; 1954 19. Lightnin' Hopkins Lonesome Road From Archival Footage 20. John Lee Hooker I'll Never Get Out Of These Blues Alive John Lee Hooker (vocal-guitar); Muddy Waters (guitar);Otis Spann (piano) Recorded New York City, New York; August 30, 1966 , Live At The Café au Go Go

[thegloober]

Your Fantasy Football Team: Where Are They Now?

Your Fantasy Football Team: Where Are They Now?

Welcome to the fantasy football article that poops on the author’s team. I have mentioned before of my current success on my two fantasy teams but low and behold after the third week, only one of my teams is 3-0. Shocker. But is it really? In this article, we are going to take a magnifying glass to the Pacoima Hooligans. My fantasy team that went 2-1. To begin, I shall give you my team before Week 1 of the NFL season, not in the order drafted. It would’ve been a joke to take my QB in the first round.

QB – Andrew Luck

WR – Tyreek Hill

WR – T.Y. Hilton

WR – Devin Funchess

WR – Josh Doctson

WR – Corey Davis

WR – Robby Anderson

RB – Ezekiel Elliott

RB – LeSean McCoy

RB – Royce Freeman

RB – Derrick Henry

TE – Trey Burton

TE – Charles Clay

K – Matt Prater

DEF – Broncos

When I got home I thought my team to be fairly stacked. I went WR heavy and thought my four RBs would be able to carry throughout a good portion of the season. I am in a standard league so the picks might be slightly different than a PPR league. I changed my tactic of picking the K and Defense in the early teens and waited on them until the last two picks of the draft.

I would have to say the first flaw I see staring at your narrator is LeSean McCoy. This is a lesson to any man, woman, or child drafting NFL players. You have to do some homework on the man and look past the stats that are given on whatever cheat sheet you possess. Off the field, he has been accused of some illegality, but this can ultimately affect his playtime. Zeke would be a good example of that from last season. So besides McCoy and his non-NFL problems, I’d have to say the team looks like a scoring machine. Or does it?

Week 1 Roster: Projected 98 points.

Luck – 19 pts

Hill – 34 pts

Hilton – 10 pts

Elliott – 13 pts

McCoy – 2 pts

Burton – 1 pt

Henry – 2 pts

Prater – 5 pts

Broncos Def – 12 pts

Total: 98 Points.

As you can tell, my team was carried by Tyreek Hill, and the Broncos D came in as my 4th highest scoring player. That is an issue. Both McCoy and Henry did squat and Burton scored the least amount of points.

Clay had zero points on the bench, so you could infer that I should have seen these red flags on the Bills players. No scoring is happening on that team so why play the player for the next week? If only my naïve self would’ve known. Henry was a bust as well and with Marcus Mariota going through his injury, picking up their second back, Dion Lewis, would have been a good come up for the following week.

Week 2 Roster: Projected 94 points

Luck – 13

Hill – 15

Hilton – 14

Elliott – 13

McCoy – 5

Jonnu Smith – 0

Funchess – 7

Brandon McManus – 8

Broncos D – 4

Total: 78 Points

Yeah, 78 points, how pitiful. I am sure all of you who play in the PPR leagues are rolling on the floor with this sad total but the Hooligans still got the W, barely. The team I went against had Odell Beckham Jr., Antonio Brown, and Mike Evans, but luck be a sweet lady, they all flopped for him in Week 2.

I know everyone is wondering where Trey BooBoo went and why the change in kickers, but hear me out…I went out on a whim. And this whim smacked my team in the tooshie. I tried banking on the back up for the injured Delanie Walker and that left me with a fat goose egg.

But along with that McCoy is still starting. This is me hoping he bounces back from a rough week and wouldn’t you know it, he’s a dud and gets hurt. Benching Burton ended up hurting me in the long run since he got 8 points and if I would have started Royce Freeman, I would have had an additional 8 points.

Week 3 Roster: Projected 87 Points

Luck – 13

Hill – 5

Hilton – 5

Elliott – 11

Henry – 5

Burton – 5

Funchess – 12

Chris Boswell – 5

Miami D – 8

Total: 69 Points

And so we have it. At the lowest point of my fantasy season. I receive the dreaded Loss. My team was mediocre at best. Luck barely holding on to the top fantasy performer, while everyone but Elliott and Funchess flopped. This must be super painful to look at for a PPR coach.

Like a rat in the water cooler, everyone on my team died. My player average was 7.6 pts and the only thing that brings me comfort in this loss is the fact that my bench had no breakout players. To me, that means no matter what, I was going to be outscored by my opponent and I had no control over it. Freeman had an 11 point game but that was because of fellow rookie running back Phillip Lindsay being thrown out the game.

In my short-lived relief, the loss finally set in and sent me to the middle of the pack of the fantasy league standings. I tried picking up Ian Thomas and Ito Smith to scavenge from the injured players list. Greg Olsen went down Week 2 so I swooped him up. Same thing with Devonta Freeman and Ito Smith.

Neither player has amounted to anything and I believe that is the lesson to learn of today’s article. The way you draft and who you draft, can, consequently, be more important than the week to week players that are more of a bust than a boom on your team. My kicking and defense situation will remain a problem, while my TE will constantly be a coin flip. If only I didn’t waste the 3rd round pick on Zeke and picked up Alvin Kamara. Or left McCoy on the table in the 4th round and scooped up someone like Joe Mixon or Matt Breida, since Jerick McKinnon got hurt days leading up to the draft. So with that, I bid you adieu.

Source: https://bloghyped.com/your-fantasy-football-team-where-are-they-now/

[pryvacychapters]

     The next morning I woke up to two text messages from Monica.  

     See I knew it was deeper than me. I did everything right. I know I’m a sexy nigga so in my mind I’m like, ‘How could she resist?’. My mini me ain’t little, I was smelling like Polo Blue, and I bought her food. Shit the way I look at it this bitch owe me some pussy. So I shoot her a text back because I’m trying to get to the bottom of this.

     Look I ain’t even gonna front I seen that paragraph and wasn’t even gonna read it. Afterwards I was like ‘Damn shorty a wild hoe.’ on the low. Not they type of girl I picture me being in a relationship with. But I shot her a text back, but you gotta understand why I said what I said. I know for a fact that she got too much going on for me and all I was really trying to do was get some cheeks. Now look at all the trouble coming my way. So I hit her with the only  response I could think of and left the conversation. 

     I put my phone back on the charger and took me a nice long shower. I just dodged a bullet. I really was feeling Monica, but not that much to be playing God with her in the abortion clinic. Sometimes you just gotta take the time to take some time… for yourself. We only two days deep into summer and I’m still single. Since it’s Friday I figure I’ll hit the club up with a few of my bros. Yeah I’m trying to link up with some baddies, the ones that give it up easy. 

     My mother was in the kitchen cranking up the volume to Lauryn Hill’s debut album (The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill). The sweet sizzle of maple beef sausage just a tone over the lingering sent of cheese eggs and blue berry french toast. Tasha Elliot… Mommy , the number one lady in my life. The queen of Boys & Girls High School back in her day. Adidas tack suit wearing, Kango bucket with the door knockers, gold frames with the gold chain supporting her Mercedes medallion, and the most beautiful voice you’ve ever heard to compliment her complexion. My mom was definitely a baddie before I was even a factor. 

Now a single mom of one, she didn’t complete college because she was too busy working to take care of me. My biological father Rahmel Gaurvey, was murdered when my mom was 7 months pregnant with me. Then she met Tommy, the only father figure I’ve ever had in my life. Even though I didn’t come from his bloodline, everything I ever knew came from him. Him and my mom only really communicate currently because on me. So all I know is to keep my momma happy.

“You ready for breakfast baby, I heard you in there singing in that shower.” My mother said with a smile. 

“Come on Ma, you know I’m the next Usher out here.” I began to sing. “You make me wanna leave the one…”

“You are so silly baby.” She began to sing with me. “ Start a new relationship with you.”

We finished it off with a, “This is what you do baby.”.

“So I hear Alvin and them boys  trying to party tonight at that Lust club. If you going out there don’t be drinking beyond your limit baby. You my only son I don’t wanna be out here like them other moms crying on the news because I lost the young black man I gave birth to.” She said to me as she walked over to the sink to clean the dishes we piled up.

“First off, Alvin ain’t nobody leader and I’m a part of them boys you speak of. We gonna party and I’m coming straight home.” I retorted.

“Aight calm down little boy.” She scolded. 

“Look I’m sorry Ma I just need you to understand that I got this. This my little weekend to have some real fun. I’m not a little boy anymore.”

“I understand that Kelly, but I need you to know that your my baby and always will be. I can’t lose you like I lost your dad I wont know what to do.” 

     I can’t imagine the pain she endured during that time she was pregnant with me. Her knowing that It would be a possibility that I would never have a father figure and all. Tommy was good to my mom but Tommy had his own problems in life that he never dragged the family into. 

     I kissed my mother and gave her a hug that let her know just how much she means to me. I felt a silent tear hit my chest. I am my mothers only child and I don’t wanna leave her lonely out here, but I can’t stay up under my mom forever.

     After breakfast with my number one lady I called up my boy Alvin. He was always the class clown, more worried about sneakers and gadgets than a car and a serious relationship. He looked sorta like Ricky from ‘Boyz In Da Hood’ and his name came along with jokes like “Where’s Simon and Theodore?”. 

     Alvin was all excited about the party tonight at Lust Night Club. He kept ranting about all the baddies (Baddies = Bad Bitches = Sexy Women) he met there in the past. Basically telling me how I need to present myself and the type of guys they like. Like I said before, I know I got game and good looks so it’s never been hard for me to get a number. For some reason this summer I gained the drive to find the best of the baddies. Before we made any moves I called our homegirl, she wasn’t your average chick. She get bitches too, and lots of ‘em. With the tomboyish swag, the long hair, and the parents that quickly hit cash app whenever she needs it. Her name was Karim. We call her Panda because her mom is black, and her dad is some husky, tall, Italian henchman looking dude. Nobody knows what they do for a living, not even her, but she never had to worry about anything financially. 

     Panda came and picked me and Alvin up. She was in a blacked out Chevy Tahoe, one of her dads cars. Blasting “Nobody by Cody Crush” which happens to be Monica’s ex boyfriend. We hopped in and made our way to the Lust. The night was still young and so were we.

     We pulled up and as you can guess if you ever been to Lust Night Club. It was so many baddies, hustlers, street crews, up and coming music artist, strippers, and celebrities. We made it to the V.I.P. section and ordered up or bottles. Sitting opposite of another booth I felt someone bump into my back. As I turned around, I was looking into the eyes of a young slim brown skin chick with long hair. She was dressed in all black with some spiked Balmain sneakers and a mouth full of gold teeth. We stared for like five seconds. She smiled and turned around. 

*THUMP*

     She bumped me again. I got kind of angry, I’m not gonna kid myself she doing too much. So I looked at her again. She’s grilling me. So I say.

“Wassup we got problems ma?” 

“Nah.”

“What’s ya name shorty?”

     She just laughed and turned back around. 

**FLOP**

     A stripper falls straight into my lap. All my focus comes back to the front of me. Panda and Alvin begin to throw money hyping the situation. I laugh. As I turn back to check for shorty again, she was gone… So I began talking to this fine exotic young lady with he neon green contacts and Chinese styled bob frontal. Body fully doused in the glittery lotion she was rubbing all on my clothes and skin. 

“Damn, way to surprise a nigga.”

“They call me Thunder.” She said with my ear damn near in her mouth.

“So I guess you only roll around in a storm.” I rebuttal. 

“Occasionally a cute sun shower.” She jabbed back. 

“What you saying I can’t make it rain.” 

“I can’t tell I can barley wash my face in this.”

“Then how about you get up off me and go wash ya gold digging ass.”

     I shoved her off me and heard a loud “Hey!!!” from security. Panda reached her arm out to let the security know everything was under control. ‘Lightining’ or what ever her name was began to rake up her money into a velour bag that comes with the crown royal bottles. Son I hate me a gold digger. See don’t get me wrong, If I asked for the dance then cool. but if I didn’t, bitch don’t come for my bread.

     As I look up theirs a super baddie stepping down off the stage. Slim jawn with a fat ass, bow tie around her neck, laced knee high stockings, hair in one long braid. She had to be the baddest chick in the building. Hold on… is she… she’s walking straight to me. She grabbed me by the collar and sternly said into my ear. “Nigga follow mommy.” Pulling me away with her. I wanted to fight it but I was mesmerized. 

     I’m trying to keep up the pace she moving in them nine inch high heels. “I wanna introduce you to a friend of mine.” and she dragged me threw a back door… I don’t know where this night is going to take me but I’m gonna make the most of it.

NEXT: CHAPTER 3: UNEXPECTED...

Written by: Joseff C. Baskerville

[thepeterssite]

Kaley Cuoco Net Worth

How Much is Kaley Cuoco’s Net Worth?

Who is Kaley Cuoco?

Kaley Cuoco is an American actress who is famous for portraying Bridget Hennessy in CBS sitcom 8 Simple Rules. She is also known for playing other characters like Billie Jenkins in The WB’s TV series Charmed (2005-6), Penny in CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory. She has also worked in various films like To Be Fat Like Me (2007), Hop (2007), Authors Anonymous (2014), etc.

Cuoco was born to Layne Anne, a home maker and Gary Carmine Cuoco, a realtor on 30th November, 1985. She was born in Camarillo, California. She also has a younger sister, Briana who had competed on The Voice Season 5. She was good tennis player, however she stopped playing when she was of 16.

Beginning of Career

Kaley Cuoco made her movie debut in a minor role of Connie Reinhardt in Michael Pressman’s thriller film, Quicksand: No Escape in year 1992. In year 1995, she got an important role of Karin Carter in science fiction action film, Virtuosity. She also made her television debut in My So-Called Life’s episode “Father Figures” and was seen as Miranda in Northern Exposure’s episode “Hello, I Love You”. She portrayed the lead role of little Ellen Morgan in Ellen’s episode “The Bubble Gum Incident”.

Kaley Cuoco then appeared in two movies in 1997. She played a small role of little girl in film, Picture Perfect and Lori in Toothless. She later starred as Charlotte Stillwater in Dick Lowry’s miniseries Mr. Murder in 1998. In 2000, she was seen in lead role of Maureen McCormick in Growing Up Brady and Teresa Powers in Can’t Be Heaven. Besides, she acted as Lauren Crane in an episode of Homewood PI titled “Pilot” and Ashley in Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush. Further, she also played the lead character Bonnie Stiles in Ladies Man Season 2 from 2000 to 2001. The role helped her to increase her net worth.

Moreover, Kaley had minor roles in different TV series like 7th Heaven (2001), First Monday (2002), The Ellen Show (2002), The Nightmare Room (2002). She later played the lead role, Bridget Hennessy in ABC sitcom 8 Simple Rules. The series helped her to grab attention and increase her net worth. In year 2004, she was seen in three different movies; Debating Robert Lee, Crimes of Fashion, and The Hollow. Besides, she appeared in TV series like The Help, Complete Savages, Punk’d and portrayed as Amanda Williams in 10.5 the same year.

Her Work from 2004 to Present

Subsequently, Cuoco came as voice actor voicing the main character, Brandy Harrington in Brandy & Mr. Whiskers from 2004 to 2006. She later voiced Kirstee Smith in Cartoon Network’s Bratz for 2005 to 2006 and provided her voice for Paula Hayes and Weather Vane in Loonatics Unleashed. Further, she played the main character, Billie Jenkins in The WB’s television series Charmed. She also lent her voice for Eleanor in Walt Becker’s Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip (2015).

Recently, Cuoco was seen in a cameo role in Jeff Garlin directed film Handsome: A Netflix Mystery Movie. She also is doing the portrayal of main character, Penny in CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory since 2007.

Net Worth

Kaley Cuoco’s net worth is estimated to be around $55 million US dollar. This net worth has been earned because of acting in different movies, TV series, brand endorsements, etc. She, besides, owns a luxurious mansion at Sherman Oaks, California which worth $2.9 million. Her garage consists of new BMW car, Ranger Rover and Lexus RX350.

Must Know Facts about Kaley Cuoco

Real Name: Kaley Christine Cuoco Date of Birth: 30th November, 1985 Profession: Actress Height: 5′ 6″ Married: Ryan Sweeting (Married: 2013; Divorced: 2016) Net Worth: $55 Million

The post Kaley Cuoco Net Worth appeared first on etcNepal.com.

[jonjordanforrealz]

The Chronicles of Elfdom

Last December, I documented my struggles with Hermie the Elf - you know, of the “on a shelf” variety, sure, but more accurately, in my head, eating my brain and in my soul, tormenting from here to eternity. 

This is my story, shared only in hopes that it may help others.

Tread lightly... Vol 1: Narrowly avoided complete disaster after totally forgetting about the little bastard on Night 1, despite having read the special book/instruction manual/elf commandments at bedtime. Oldest boy Kramers through our bedroom door at 0500, announcing that he'd prefer to use our bathroom over his. As I pondered the logic behind this, thinking, "Boy, he's assertive," something felt amiss and within seconds, I realized my worst December nightmares (since exam time during the old teaching days) were already coming true. As Boy 1 finished his business, I sprung into action, anticipating his yearning to find our annual household guest at this ungodly hour, escorting his proactive little ass back to his bedroom. Always (read: sometimes) a step ahead, I waited in the hallway for the inevitable: an attempted rendezvous to join forces with little brother. After that was easily intercepted, it was time for a little psychological warfare. Warding off both emotional sabotage (Boy 1's, "Daddy, I love you") and an honesty play (Boy 2's, "We we were trying to find Hermie but he's tricky") some redirecting was in order. Authoritative Dad speaks! "It's 5:00 am. No one comes to this house unless everyone is sleeping." With that understanding in mind, aided by the musical distractions of the old Epcot Canadian band and, of course, Kidz Bop 27, I hunted down Public Enemy #1 in his top secret hideaway. Tucked away in a Target bag - dead giveaway, right? Duh. - I shoved him into my pocket and moved on to recover the donuts that he brought with him from the North Pole. Breaking kayfabe here, I'd actually purchased these GMO-laden diabetes bombs myself from Dunkin Donuts on the way home last night, on direct orders from the General, but yes, still totally forgot about this whole charade... Does anyone realize how fucking loud a paper bag is at 5:15 am? Donuts on a paper plate and little orphan Hermie's demanding ass still secured in my Florida State sleepy pants, I knew I had very little time to reach the intended destination and disappear into whatever remained of this night. Cat- or zombie-like in my movements (not quite sure which) down went the plate and into a bouquet of flowers leftover from Thanksgiving landed Osama - or whatever his name is. Somehow, now back behind my bedroom door, I'd survived. There would be no more sleeping for our hero this morning. The sweet taste of victory would be the lone reward. Looking ahead to Night 2, it is possible that we may bribe an acquaintance to drop the bomb on Boy 1, letting him know that this is all a bunch of honkybonk, and thus, instantly creating a valuable ally to continue the ruse for Boy 2. It is now clear that the oldest is the mastermind of what will surely be a constant barrage of this sort of subterfuge for the next 24 days. Vol 2:

There will be no threat of disaster tonight. Since yesterday's torment weighed on my mind all day, it would have been nearly impossible to forget my elfly duties this evening. So, there he sits, the little prick. He's made friends with another rather smug trio that has taken up residence in my home (rent-free, I might add.) Yes, nestled snugly between Alvin and Simon, while Theodore's fat ass looks on, in the morning, the kids will find Hermie, appearing to have read the timeless holiday classic, "Santa Comes to Florida" with his rodent buddies. If you haven't read this piece of literature, it's worth at least a passing glance. But I must warn you that it isn't all that accurate. For one, there is no mention of meth or bath salts, even as Santa flies right over Apopka. And two, there isn't a lot of love for Melbourne, which is pretty shameful since such visionaries as Jim Morrison, Darrell Hammond and that guy I went to high school with who ended up in that reality show boy band are among its native sons. Let's not get too sidetracked here. There is still work to be done. I was informed earlier that one of Boy 2's little friends announced that he received a letter from Santa himself this morning, officially putting him on "The Nice List," while, shame on me, all I did was make sure the kids saw the fuckin' elf and got to eat donuts for breakfast., sacrificing sleep, sanity and something else I forgot about because I'm tired and crazy. I guess lil' man used the power of deductive reasoning and, sans Santa letter, convinced himself he was on "The Naughty List," creating a bit of a challenge at bedtime. Dad here, who may or may not have occupied a spot on the unsavory version of the imaginary fat man's lists a time or two over the years, did his best to convince the young buck that he was not on any such document - that things were going just fine - but I'm not sure he bought it. Thanks to utter exhaustion, a self-inflicted derivative of last night's bullshit adventures, sleep came quickly for the littlest Jordan, allowing me time to think of what I might include in the now necessary piece of prose needed to support my earlier claims of his green light toward Christmas presents galore. Ideally, it'd be straightforward: [Hey, kid(s). If you're worried that you might be on the wrong side of Santa's ledger, maybe you weren't as good as you thought you were all year. You ever hear of the NSA? Ever see any of my text messages? Holy shit! Now that's a list you don't want to worry about being on. Anyway... Keep the faith. The truth is, we like you. And you'd probably have to try to stab one or both of us before we'd make sure you didn't get anything at all for Christmas. Love, Dad PS: On Saturday, I want you to sleep until 10 am. Remember: THE LIST!] But traditions are traditions and in this family, as in so many others, we lie like a muthafucka - especially around the holidays! And so, the propaganda continues. Hermie, it will appear, took a break from reading his Florida Santa book to his pals to write a letter to the Jordan kids, detailing how fantastic they've been and urging them to be good listeners and make good choices at least for a few more weeks. (Pretty suspicious - or "ironic," as Alanis Morrisette might deem it - that the stuffed elf, who I think wears makeup, uses the exact same discipline terminology as Mom and Dad do, ain't it? These kids get any smarter any time soon and they'll bust me for sure. And what then?!?) Depending on what time they wake up in the morning, I may have to stage a sacrifice when it comes to the chipmunk population in this home. If we can send positive messages via letters from imaginary people, we can also send negative messages by offing a fake friend or two. And since they haven't seen "Christmas Vacation" just yet, nor do they know for sure that I don't have a Cousin Eddie, they'll have no idea that he stopped eating chipmunks (yeah, yeah, chipmunks and squirrels are different things, I get it) when he found out they were high in cholesterol. Black and white photos should do. I'll use the old Hitchcock chocolate syrup trick. Tomorrow brings the added challenges of that batshit crazy Chick-Fil-A with all the lights, what the food there does to my insides and selecting the 2016 Jordan Family Christmas tree. There will be booze. Two down, 23 to go. Vol 3:

It's clear that my efforts here are drawing something of a crowd, which is much appreciated but not at all the intent. One trusted advisor has even suggested I attempt to profit financially from this record but the truth is simply this: It has to be done. For the betterment of all mankind, our successes and failures with this Johnny-come-lately holiday irritant must be documented. Tonight, I was reminded of a better day that has passed us by. As we decorated our tree, I took some inventory of the many ornaments we've accumulated over the years. Among them, holiday stalwarts like Frosty the Snowman, Santa Claus and The Grinch make their presence known. We also have the typical representation of some of our sports teams (all of whom suck out loud), life milestones ("2006 New Home" is a real joy, since that was two houses, two kids and one lawsuit ago) and the innocence of homemade trinkets featuring the younger versions of Boy 1 and Boy 2, long before they discovered the art of whining. There is also an ornament that is simply a beer glass (right on!) and the disembodied head of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, which I find terrifying. It wasn't so long ago that my biggest holiday concern was making sure that as few of these characters were damaged during tree-trimming time as possible. (Why do they call it "tree-trimming" anyway? When I go to get my hair trimmed, I'm not looking for Akbar the barber to scatter random trinkets about my rapidly-depleting mane.) But as I longed for the days of yore tonight, there it was, right in my face, as if to say, "Not so fast, asshole! The glory days are over, mother fucker!" Hermie - this sonofoabitchofanelf - is also present as an ornament on our tree. Well, shit in my hat. Just as I discovered this mini version of our mini-monster, both boys began to melt down, merely an hour past their regular bedtime, and I was already on my way to a conniption fit myself, three days into the shit and already running out of placement ideas for Elfrey Dahmer. Coincidental timing, my ass! This guy's in my head. Or he's like the alien thing from Stranger Things. If my lights start flickering, I'm setting him on fire and we'll tell the kids he didn't stop, drop or roll because he wasn't a good listener. But at least I'm not in danger of forgetting at the moment. Tomorrow may prove difficult, what with multiple activities involving alcohol already scheduled - after the children's sporting events, as per societal acceptance. I figure if I can make it through a day like that and still move "it" from Point A to Point B, that's a big win for ol' Daddio. His mind powers working on both me and the young'ins tonight jives with my recognizing the cheery-cheeked, red-and-white clad fuzzy thing to be quite clearly a demon in cahoots with Beelzebub himself. So, I've now paired him up with a dragon statue that we have atop our curio cabinet. (Never thought you'd hear me use the term "curio cabinet," did you, old friends? That's right, I'm cultured. Or I've lost all street cred. Not quite sure which distinction to hang onto here.) What's the connection between Hermalerm and the dragon? Well, heroin of course. That's right, kids, the elf didn't just chase the dragon. He caught the damn thing. Which means as I drift off to sleep tonight, I'll be headed for a righteous dream of Hermie sinking through the floor to the sounds of Lou Reed's "Perfect Day," a la Trainspotting. You'll be alright, elf boy, but this one won't be easy. One bucket for urine, one for feces, and one for vomitus. Preparation is key. You're in a new kind of hell for now, fella. See you on the flip. Vol 4:

The voodoo appears to be working. In the last 24 hours, my better half and I have each been caught making mention of "having a talk with Hermie" about this instance of a slight misstep in behavior or that. It's worth pondering what sort of residual effect this may have on the boys (or any kids, really) long-term. Is life truly one observed event after another, with an eye in the sky passing judgment in turn? And let's not get all religious here. I'm seeing this through an Orwellian lens at the moment. If we do slip up, must we live in fear of being told on? I should get out more... Speaking of, having been out quite a bit yesterday, bailing on my "move the elf" responsibility was a distinct possibility but it did not come to pass. Late at night, headache looming, our favorite holiday hobo was relocated from the dragon's back to a high perch overlooking the entrance to Boy 1's room. It's a creepy spot for sure. Like, if you were to walk out of your bedroom and find a person situated the way Hermie is at the moment, laying on his belly, chin resting on his hands, smiling like a whackjob, cheeks as rosy as ever, you'd definitely call the cops. Or shoot him. Or both. The creative maneuvers are lacking for yours truly this year - although I guess mounting the dragon was pretty cool. That's ok, though. My goal is simply to survive this month with as few mid-sleep panic attacks as possible. Started off 1-for-1 but we have a clean slate since, so I'll call it a win so far. Perhaps tonight, we'll set the elf up with a lady or something - freak Carrie out a little, if nothing else. The boys have been warned - née, reminded - that no one is supposed to be up and moving about until at least 7 am in this house (great rule, hardly ever followed) and they seem pretty beat from a long weekend so there might be hope for a more restful slumber. If not, maybe it's time for the elf to get shelved for a day or two, go visit Santa (or Satan?) or something. That'll get these tired kids back on track. Tired kids are like drunk adults, by the way. But that's a story for a different setting. 21 days to go. Zeus help me. Vol 5:

There has been no shortage of remarkable moments in our adventures with the red devil of late. Boy 1, in an apparent attempt to extort his elf friend, left him a tangerine on Monday, after finding him purportedly reading through one of Mom's cupcake cookbooks. Perhaps he was being proactive, in the event that the elf delivers cupcakes as he did donuts on opening day of this annual charade. A simple, "Hey, man. I gave you a tangerine. Whatchyougot for me?" Or maybe he's overheard dear ol' Dad opine on the corruption of politics, in general. Either way, Boy 2 was not pleased. The littlest Jordan, you see, has developed an affinity for these tangerines and while he is almost always quite willing to share his snacks, such was not the case here, as he relocated Boy 1's offering back to its original box. This incensed the elder sibling and the back-and-forth game from tangerine box to offering table began. I should note that the boys are still suffering from Christmasitis - the plague that renders otherwise lovable little humans into demon beings, drunk on exhaustion, impulsive and exhibiting a bravado unbecoming of their age or social status. Now off to school, Mom stepped in with a solution, staging a scene where the elf appeared to have eaten the tangerine in question, abandoning his cookbook perch in favor of a seated position at a makeshift snack area and leaving scraps behind, along with a note that read, "Thanks for the tangerine! I'll only eat one!" (It is also likely that a smiley face was included but I cannot confirm with any certainty, having destroyed this document, and thus, in the name of accuracy and out of respect for journalism, it is omitted here.) This was, largely, an intelligent counter tactic by my female counterpart and while its intended result - assuaging the pending civil war betwixt brothers with a reasonable compromise - was achieved, ultimately, the strategy lacked the necessary foresight to continue the mind games without needling questions from the youngsters. Of utmost importance: "Wait... You moved him?" Crickets. "No, kid," I thought to myself - but dared not say aloud. "He moved himself, of course!" But, of course, this was not supposed to be a part of the pestilent pixie's skillset! For his meandering about is only supposed to take place at night, according to the owner's manual! Far be it from Mom to not have her next move planned, however, and as I stood stock still, considering a swift exit strategy (were the neighbors home? Could a friend pick me up? Where is my rocketpack?) as if beamed in by the projector of Orson Welles himself, the holiday classic "Home Alone" was suddenly on the living room television and Mom's invite for cuddle time was accepted by both young Jordans. Crisis averted, once more. In the time since, the attitudes of drunken demon children 1 and 2 have worsened. Boy 1 resisted piano practice and was not permitted to walk the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights in turn, then admittedly plotted revenge on yours truly, attempting to stave off bedtime as long as possible by prancing about the house, giggling and speaking in tongues. And Boy 2 ignored my orders to disarm, wielding his light saber freely about the living room as though I wasn't even there. With Mom on a run (and not 100% sure she was coming back) I engaged hand-to-hand, demilitarizing my target and receiving his "Mad Dog" glare for my troubles. In fairness, Boy 2 pulled it together enough to join me on the aforementioned Christmas walk, where he graciously educated me on the difference between frogs and what he calls "toadfrogs," (apparently this has everything to do with their tongues - who knew?) and I shared with him my disdain for projector lights. Nonetheless, the net result of Sunday/Monday called for a sabbatical for the nefarious imp creature, who has, as far as the boys know, "gone to visit Santa for a day or two," according to my - no, his! - note. Improvements are expected in short order but just in case, the vodka supply has been restocked. I now count 19 days, which looks far less daunting than 20. Still, my sleep pattern has been erratic. We'll call that 20% problem drinking, 60% guilt from blatantly lying to one's offspring and 20% New York Jets football. With apologies to my parents and, more importantly, to Mark Twain, I haven't told the truth, out of necessity, thanks to you-know-who, and now I can't remember anything.

Vol 6:

Tensions have subsided. The elf was brought back after the exhibition of acceptable behavior on the part of both boys on Tuesday night. 1 did a fine job at his school Christmas concert, while 2 gave a great effort at soccer practice. (It is also important to note that Dad scored a goal in an impromptu coaches/kids mixed scrimmage. That this feat was accomplished against 6- and 7-year-olds matters not.) More importantly, bedtime was without incident on the evening in question. Why that is ever an issue is still beyond me but never has a more relatable tale been told than that of "Go the Fuck to Sleep," by Samuel L. Jackson a few years back. (Well, maybe it isn't exactly the written work of Jules Winnfield himself but I'd like to think it is, as no one could possibly ever recite it better.) Boy 1 is a fan of the every-excuse-in-the-book technique (from pooping to asking questions to feigning injury to everyone taking turns laying with him, telling stories, needing water, etc.) while Boy 2 is more straightforward with his thoughts on sleep overall. Namely, he says he never sleeps. He just relaxes. While I know this isn't completely true, having witnessed him sleeping myself on thousands of occasions, there is something a little vampiresque about the littlest Jordan, who is almost always the first to arise in the morning, often long before the sun. Today, in fact, I awoke to a noise and thinking it was either intruders (that I would have to exterminate, obviously) or my youngest son dicking around (slightly more likely) I promptly began a seek-and-destroy (or G the F to S) mission. The latter scenario proved to be reality, as there he sat, hiding behind his bathroom door, sitting on the floor with the light on, cuddling with his blanket. I don't know either, people, but hey... We all have hobbies... The return of Hellboy Hermie, fresh from his visit with Santa, Satan or Sam Kinison - can't recall which and perhaps it was all - featured him choking out one of the boys' forgotten bath toys, a gator. In this house, that visual brings more joy than the hair of the dog cure-all on a Jordan Family Christmas morning. (Well, almost.) As we enjoy this new era of peace, recognizing that it may be a brief interlude, I'm appreciative of the pause its given me, for the war against the imaginary (?) black magic of this shitbag of a Christmas toy is rather taxing. 17 days. #tylenol Vol 7:

This tradition begets strange bedfellows. Hermie the Elf, who is destined to be renamed Beelzebub, I assure you, commandeered a ship belonging to Jake and the Neverland Pirates last night, along with John Cena and Sleepy (of Seven Dwarfs fame.) Oh, if this were only real, what an adventure they may have had overnight. Sleepy, groggy to the point of hallucination, no doubt, likely from a mixture of NyQuil, booze and some medicinal herb (since we can do that here now!) wouldn’t have been much help to his shipmates. The elf, in his Luciferian glory, perched atop the crow’s nest, would attempt to serve as captain, I would think, causing immediate conflict with Cena, the jorts-wearing, self-important hero, who nobody above the age of 12 really likes. (I’m told he was actually at a local bar I’ve been to a time or 200 a couple of weeks ago. Think I could take him?) They’d square off at some point to determine the alpha male and I’d have to give that decision to the only being on this ship with supernatural, other-worldly powers. “You can’t see me,” John? Well, that’s fine. Hermie doesn’t need to see you to breathe demon fire into your soul. And they'd land at their final destination knowing that the little red-faced asshole with the pointy hat was absolutely in charge. The destination was our TV stand, by the way, because I didn't feel like thinking anymore - or leaving the ship somewhere it might easily fall, ruining everything for everyone. (Or saving them?) The children seemed to approve of this newly established faction, upon this morning's discovery, and I suppose that’s what it’s all about. Unfortunately, it’s also proven to be all about my own sick mind, full of delusions and unfulfilled desires belonging to my inner child. Back in my day, all we had was the mystique of Santa Claus himself – and thanks to friends, Sean and Tina, that gig was up for me at around eight. (Eight! That’s Boy 1’s age now. Well, balls... Getting old indeed.) I believe the big reveal upset me for a few minutes but already conditioned toward materialism (thanks, America!) I reasoned that, hell, I’d still be getting presents, so I don’t think I really cared whether they came from Mom, Dad, Uncle Charlie (who I’m pretty sure once stole a trampoline before gifting it to me) or an old, fat stranger in a furry red suit who likes to have little children sit in his lap. I was skeptical – maybe my friends lied to me. After all, this was the same brother/sister combo that once had me convinced that the oil I spotted floating atop the drink they’d made for me was perfectly normal for “Swedish chocolate milk.” (Looking back, the accompanying smell of vinegar should have been a dead giveaway. Tasted like shit but I’m sure it built character. Appreciate that, S&T!) But alas, as I gave my dad a goodnight hug on Christmas Eve, 1987, there sat the Nintendo I’d be receiving the next morning, in his closet behind him. When I found it, unwrapped, as was Santa’s style, at the foot of the tree, the bullshit meter exploded but I wouldn’t let it get me down. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out and Super Mario Brothers (and Duck Hunt, if only so we'd all learn about tagalongs at an early age) awaited! I was smart enough to know that I didn’t want to deal with upsetting my mom so I didn’t let on that I knew that Santa was Keyzer Soze (or Verbal Kint? Sometimes my metaphors don’t work.) I think I hid that from her for at least two years. Point is, I guess I fear these kids of mine finding out we’re all the masterminds behind some pretty serious fabrications. What sort of example does that set? But mostly, it’s about the growing-up-too-fast thing. I mean, fuck. I’m 37, somehow. Oh and the other point is, how did we allow this elf thing to get so popular? We had friggin' Santa already! And wasn’t one lie enough? I’m tired. 16 days.

Vol 8:

Turnabout is fair play. Boy 2 had something of a rough day yesterday, although not in the sense that his behavior was unacceptable. With the added pressure of a snitch like the elf-demon watching over you at all times, I'm sure being a 6-year-old isn't as easy as it could be at this time of year so, when the boy wonder seemed exceptionally emotional, I should have known to chalk it up to just that. After eight straight days of "being on 'Good Citizen'" at school, the littlest Jordan was proud to announce that he had recorded No. 9 in a row. How about that? My own little Cal Ripken-type thing. But after dinner, the tiny tough guy started showing his sensitive side (a trait shared by his father - but don't tell anyone.) Seeking either a goalkeeper for his soccer game, an opponent in marbles or a playmate of any sort, he solicited the services of all of Boy 1, myself and the lady of the house, though we all politely declined, citing a collective desire to relax and/or consume the programming of WWE Network before bedtime. (The latter, of course, forced upon Mrs. Jordan, although I think she enjoys it at least a little, though she would never, ever admit as much.) His emotions played out with faulty reasoning - "No one likes me!" - and harsh accusations - "I don't have a nice family!" and "Nobody is being my friend!" My explanation was simple; that declining an invitation to any particular activity does not automatically disqualify one from being another's friend, since free will is an important quality and, if I asked a friend of mine to eat dog poop with me, their lack of participation would not stand in the way of my assessment of their loyalty toward me. But Boy 2 was not having any of this and in a brief fit of rage, he roared at me, "You better watch your attitude, Mister, or I'm telling Hermie!" Oh, did I laugh! But he did not appreciate that either and retired to his room. Confession time came quickly. As I laid with him to coax him to sleep - the sleep that, remember, he swears he never gets in favor of only "relaxing" - he exclaimed, "I'm a bad boy!" and began crying immediately. At first, he would not tell me why he had come to this conclusion but after some leveling with him in the form of a promise not to get mad, he told me he had lied and that he had not, in fact, achieved a ninth straight day of school-bestowed "good citizenship." Instead, he was stuck on "Ready to Learn," which is quite fine in this house, although anything less will need to be addressed. I blamed the elf. For the boy was convinced that he needed to be stellar each and every day without fail, whereas on most days, outside of this window of watching from on high (and by on high, I mean somewhere high enough so as not to tempt the "illegal" touching) he, like his father, would be just fine in the realm of acceptable mediocrity. Never again will I utter the words, "I'm telling Hermie." At this point, 1) I hate the name. The kids named him, after that failure of an elf from the original Rudolph special, now a dentist, or so we're told. (Probably one of those creepy dentists, I'd say. You know, the kind that gasses his female patients and plays peekaboo and stuff?) 2) The kids know the (completely fabricated) score. I will not add to this charade more than I already have. And I will not go gentle into this good night. The company Christmas party awaits and I've got some tomfoolery in which to partake. Still tired. 15 days.

Vol 9 and 10:

They sell both volumes of Kill Bill together now, as I understand it, so I’m allowed to drop a double dose of Elfdom if I want to. (This will be of no additional length, mind you, but we’ll call it two volumes nonetheless.) The uptick in emotion from Friday still fresh in my mind, the idea this weekend was to restore the spirits of Boy 1 and Boy 2 (and mostly the latter) and the elf, for all his faults, appears to be adept at aiding that, so long as the pressure he brings is tempered. I’d like to think that the littlest Jordan is less concerned, having had some weekend time, about trying to be “Good Citizen” levels of perfect than he was during our last volume. Saturday morning, Elfenstein, which is one of many names I am considering for a possible rebranding, took a ringside seat next to Boy 1’s toy wrestling ring, watching what was staged as a battle royal between all of his favorite toy wrestlers. Adorning the garb of a particular favorite, Samoa Joe, along with the NXT championship belt, he sat, smiling his usual satanic smile, as if to say that he was some sort of champion himself. You are not, sir, by any stretch. Let me make that clear. But, they enjoy your company, again, despite your many shortcomings. The wrestling set-up reminded me, however, that I would enjoy squaring off against you, were you of an acceptable size to do so, and perhaps if I can find someone of a similar appearance in human form, elbows will drop (and he shall fall.) Of course, then, I’d likely be arrested and/or sued but hey, that’s the cost of doing business, I suppose. This scene, like so many others featuring you-know-who, turned out to be less than perfect, largely because I set him up too low to the ground to be completely ignored or out-of-reach, but this turned out to be a positive step for the children, who resisted the temptation to move him themselves and asked for assistance when he flopped over at one point. Boy 1 wanted the championship belt the evil elf had been wearing, you see, and I was happy to strip it from him, since he did not deserve such an accolade by any means. Boy 2, it should be noted, held back his elfly interactions on Saturday. Maybe he was trying to determine just how emotionally invested in this thing he really should be. Saturday evening brought forth the annual company Christmas party and since the lady and I do not often stay out past 11 pm, let alone 2 am, anymore, it is no wonder that the Hermie the Hack almost did not get moved that night. Of course, I had every intention, and though my return home (thanks, Uber!) involved a certain level of whiskey breath as I spoke directly with my mother-in-law about plans for said move, in the fleeting seconds following that conversation, I forgot completely, probably focused on the pillows calling my name just a few feet away. Ever-clutch, Gran chipped in and relocated the impetuous imp, placing his (fake) happy little ass in the middle of a wreath on the door to the laundry room. Last night, as I stared at him, I honestly thought to myself, “You know, elf, you look like a real asshole sitting there smiling at me with your hands folded. I’d like to spear you with one of the skewers I use to make kebobs from time to time. Or drop you into a vat of bleach. Or something... Keep looking at me like that! Go ahead!” He was just lucky that there was no whiskey for a second consecutive evening. Of course, there can be no whiskey on consecutive evenings for yours truly anymore. Such is the penance that comes with age. Well, that and a vile attitude toward all things festive, it seems. Or at least all things purportedly festive that are nothing more than some sort of fabric, a little plastic and stuffed with cotton (or is it demon fiber?) 13 days. Unlucky 13, the elf might say, but we’ll see how lucky he is when I practice punting him later on today...

Vol 11:

The easy way seems like the right move at the moment. From one stocking (with Spider-Man) to another (with Ultron) - specifically recognizing each boy's individual preference for good guys vs. bad guys, we've killed two days and two potentially grief-inducing moments. But hark! There are three more stockings! That could very well be three more days. Lady Jordan would love to see the imp intruder in her stocking, along with, say, vodka? Yeah, she likes vodka. And Superdog would dig it if he were to show up in hers next to, ah yes! Something she always begs me for - leftover pizza! Perfect! As for me, well, this isn't really about me but if I'm to tend to this shithead as much as I do, why not treat myself and set the stage for him to gift me some Johnny Walker Blue? Mmmmm. We're already down to 12 days and if I can pull this off, we're into the single digits with plenty of creativity left in the reserve tank. Note to self: Boy 1 is looking more and more suspicious by the day. He is wise indeed. Perhaps it is time to distract him with fear and confusion. Would he believe the Russians hacked his elementary school, forcing an uptick in homework? That seems to be a popular play these days and it just might work. Operation: Borscht shall commence in the am. And looky, looky! It's now midnight! 11 days, just like that! We can do this. Ohhhhh, yes. We shall overcome.

Vol 12:

Rats once spread the Bubonic Plague. Prince Prospero's hubris allowed the Red Death to infiltrate his castellated abbeys, according to E.A. Poe. And I say these little elves carry their own special pandemic - a yuletide malady that flips the universe onto its head and turns otherwise relatively well-behaved children into distracted, exhausted malcontents, spewing tidings of discomfort and misery on adults the world over. It makes no sense. At a time when conventional wisdom would dictate that they walk the straight and narrow like never before, the little ones have truly gone mad. Under the watchful eye of the hellion in the red hat, I always expect that Boy 1 and Boy 2 would adopt model citizenship - and for small spurts, they do. For instance, Boy 1's cleaning dog poop from the backyard last Sunday was completely out of character and Boy 2's strong run of eight consecutive "good citizen" statuses (already chronicled in a previous volume, as well as his subsequent fall from grace) was quite a feat! (Suddenly, I'm reminded that I did not ask for details on the dog doo cleaning duty - nor can I say for sure if they showered that night... Nonetheless, the past is the past.) But these exceptions have not become the rule. instead... It took 47 utterances of the elder Jordan child's name tonight just to get him to come to the table to do his homework, when normally, it would only take 3-5. And that was just the beginning of the battle. "Math with Mom" may sound like a fun game show of sorts but in reality, it's quite torturous. Eating dinner in short order once that was finally complete, a necessary rush on an evening when baseball practice beckons, drew moans and whines and pouts and eventually, claims of complete disinterest in our national pastime - a sin, certainly, but more importantly, a lie, as proven instantly upon arriving at the field, where free-spirited fun commenced. (I noticed there, too, that it is not just my own children who have figuratively tooted the Christmas cocaine of late. Everyone's offspring is mental at the moment, it appears. We're all in this together, people.) As for Boy 2, well, that run of eight straight school days by which he was judged all chivalrous and what not has been followed by quite the struggle. Warnings and consequences and nastygrams from the teacher are the new trend. (Note to Teacher: I feel ya, girl. I mean, I ain't never did kindergarten and shit but I did teach at muthafuckin' Hillsborough High School for a hot minute. And you trippin' if you think students clownin' in December is only for the jits. Teenage fools be whack AF.) But we have reached the magic number of 10 and with that, I see the light. Alas, I am stupid enough to crank this sonofabitch waaaaaaaaaay past 10 on the Holly-Jolly-Christmas-o-Meter tomorrow night, as we venture to what some might call the happiest place on Earth (whereas I call it, "Whythehellcan'twedrinkhereagainland") for Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party. We'll see how very merry it is this time, kids. Just keep up the shenanigans and maybe I'll tell you the story of the crazy Christmas kid who got left with the elephants on the Jungle Cruise back in 1984. Look for him, Reggie, I think... Yeah, he's in there, somewhere. Keep looking... Ah, but that's tomorrow night... Tonight, I'll resist the urge to send the elf into the garbage can, no matter how easy to pull off the narrative of "Hey, kids. Yeah, sorry... He must have really wanted that last piece of chocolate," might be. Single digits are afoot!

Vol 13:

As if Christmas madness wasn't already enough to make even the most level-headed parents consider sending their normally well-adjusted children to some sort of juvenile rehab, we went and introduced the idea of this all-powerful elf and sent things into hyperdrive. And then you have idiots like myself, who facilitate the special kind of speedball that is Christmas and Disney World to launch the youngsters into a stratosphere of holiday intoxication that would appeal to Belushi- and Farley-types the world over. I've spent enough time at the House of Mouse in the last seven years or so to know that on any random Tuesday, you can do some serious people-watching but on a designated Friday night in December, at something they jam down your throat as a "Very Merry" Christmas party, young bucks and grandmas alike are off the rails right from the jump. It's marketing, I get it, but shouldn't it be up to me to decide how to describe the levels of joy and/or merriment I get from a party to which I'm invited (and certainly one I've paid for?) I'm not going to throw a pool party in a couple of months, invite a bunch of you people, and call it "Jon's Super Enjoyable and Relaxing Pool Party." I might assist in the temporary adjustments of your dopamine and serotonin levels as best I can but I'll leave it up to you to determine what sort of accolades you bestow upon my event. Anyway, free from the eyes of the elf (theoretically, anyway) the children were a bit wild on the journey to WDW but I've found that any car ride longer than 20 minutes or so has the potential to become the clearest manifestation of their best friends/worst enemies style of relationship at this phase of their lives. One minute, they're sharing books and the next, someone's finger is in someone else's eye. I tried my best to sing Christmas songs to myself (no, really, I do try to get into it here and there) but my soul-soothing would have to come in the form of a bunch of junk food at the park and a ride or two. The kids had free reign to try and off each other in the interim. As evenings go, one could really do far worse, honestly. As I've said a million times, it would be tremendous if adults could wander around the Magic Kingdom with a beer but I get it. It's a kids' park. And I suppose that isn't appropriate EVERYWHERE, after all. Plus, there are fleeting moments on these nights that we just aren't going to get anywhere else - like Boy 2 cuddling with his mom or Boy 1 beaming from the front row of a parade route or both of them, giggling with laughter (and maybe a little hint of fear) as we whirl around on some roller coaster or other. Those are sights and sounds I'm tattooing into my brain for sure. But by the time it's all over, we have reached full-fledged juvenile Christmas drunkenness, where, just like your overserved adult friend, conversations ramble on making very little sense, emotions are high and the expression of as much can go from "I love yous" to crying in an instant. There is slurring, overindulgence on late night snacks and then, ultimately, they just pass out. And while one big difference between your friend, Drunky the Bear, and your overtired, cranky Christmas kid is that you usually don't have to worry about the latter throwing up, another is that you can't just leave them where they fall out. So, in my case, you're forced to scoop and carry the now 70-ish pound, increasingly long 8-year-old for miles into boats and trams and finally to the car. While waiting for said tram, I surveyed my surrounding area and confirmed my suspicions that, yes, out of the 500 or so people I could see in my immediate vicinity, Boy 1 was definitely the biggest human sleeping in another human’s arms at that point. But again... Special moments, I suppose, if I'm being honest. (And honestly, between that and multiple shoulder hoistings throughout the evening, holy shit is my back messed up! Thanks again, lady who rear-ended me a few years back to kickstart that now-lifelong pleasantry.) As for the elf, the vile, heinous, intrusive being that he is, he's joined forces with an Angry Bird and Sven from Frozen, and has taken up residence in the boys' bathroom - which is definitely a little weird and creepy, now that I re-think my most recent placement strategy but hey, can't touch him again until tomorrow now. And besides, weird and creepy suits him just fine. ONE WEEK.

Vol 14:

Creativity has ceased. There are no more ideas. The focus has shifted, solely, to survival. Christmas intoxication has run amok and both children are perpetually drunk in turn. I have not yet found the proper means to detox them, although I believe, once that bag of chocolate-covered pretzels was stolen and consumed, only time was to be my ally. Boy 2 turned emotional once more last night, expressing his desire to "go home." Since he was sitting in his bed as he proclaimed this, a deeper inquiry revealed that he wanted to go back to our old house, which we left roughly 18 months ago, because he missed his friends. Total bullhonk, of course, since he couldn't identify a single "friend" by name, other than the old neighbor's dog, aptly named Jordan, which weakens his argument even further. Boy 1 arose at 6 am today, reportedly uttering some nonsense about starting a band. (I cannot confirm this directly, as I was in the midst of a dream starring myself, Wolf Blitzer and Jennifer Lawrence, all scouring the planet for "the lost relics." But the reporting of my wife person is to be trusted, more often than not.) His level of Yuletide inebriation has manifested itself in a phenomenon known as "Low Eyes Syndrome" and whether you choose to admit it or not, you've all been there. Just look through photos in which you've been tagged by others - specifically anything after midnight, at weddings or taken by your most obnoxious friends. On the positive side, we've reached the 5-day mark and are just two days shy of relocating this clan to the other coast, where the grandparent folks can assist in keeping us all alive. The inherent danger of said grandparent folks inadvertently contributing to Christmas chaos matters not, for there is strength in numbers and reinforcements at this point are sorely needed. The elf is spooning with a San Francisco 49ers Christmas ornament today and I think I will say no more to that end. "Take a look around here, Ellen. We're at the threshold of hell!" - Clark W. Griswold, Jr.

Vol 15:

The day is nigh. The elf has been bagged in preparation for the cross-state trek. Part of me wanted that to happen legit abduction-style - little potato sack thrown over his head, a swat of a tiny baseball bat to the dome... A garrote, probably, would have been overkill but I wouldn't have ruled it out. Anyway, he's MIA - and of course, that means we'll have to lie to the children once more as to why he's disappeared. "I don't know, kids. I walked around the corner and he just wasn't there anymore!" Then, tomorrow morning when he shows up at La Casa de Jordan 1.0, I'll be ogling Boy 1 to see if there is any further hint of suspicion in his eye. Surely, Boy 2 will wake up some time between 3 and 5 am tomorrow as the excitement percolates. (I will not.) There will be no attempts to peer deeply into his eyes, mostly out of fear that they've turned black by now, undoubtedly the evildoing of you-know-who. The good news is that I believe all is reparable, once he is gone for good - or at least until next year. In my experience, Christmasitis usually takes a couple of weeks to fade away and then some semblance of normalcy returns. This year, I'm hoping that comes with a newfound affinity for sleeping in. I was never very good at that as a young kid and didn't master it until college, really - an achievement aided at that time by, well, let's just call them PEDs. But I know it is possible for even an 8-year-old to sleep until 9, 10 or 11, even, because I saw my pal Jeremy do it with my own eyes. Sleeping over at his house was great the night before amidst our usual hijinks but I could only describe the following mornings as, uh, educational, as in I seized the opportunity to read every single book on his bookshelf and watch every movie he owned, killing time until he finally woke up. (What the hell were my parents doing anyway, that they couldn't pick me up early, as I often asked? Actually... Don't answer that.) So, again, the hope is that Boy 1 takes after Uncle Berm and learns to hibernate (at least a little.) There is no hope for the other one to that end. He continues to remind us that he never sleeps and only relaxes. "Sometimes," he says, "I don't mean to but I accidentally go to sleep automatically." Clearly, he isn't to be trusted with this intentionally perplexing narrative of his but I believe he has convinced himself that it is all true. That, in and of itself, surely leads to the unique circadian rhythm he's adopted. He sure is cute, though. I imagine that'll keep earning him a pass, no matter how many times he fires a soccer ball directly into my nether regions. Perhaps only one or two more entries into these chronicles shall be necessary from this point forward. I should say that I'm pleased with the response so far, as it seems most of the free world can relate in one way or another, but the goal from the beginning was simply to document the daily deeds of our ignominious, inanimate, annual invader and their impact on our everyday lives. Plus, if I should meet my demise during his stay, surely this will aid law enforcement officials. As far as that goes, one only needs to buy one vowel to solve this puzzle, and that is the "E" to kick off "E.L.F." You see, although we are still in the pre-Christmas phase of my intensive study, I have learned enough to commit to the conclusion that it is indeed an acronym, standing for Evil Little Fucker, as some of you may have already ascertained. It is but one piece but a vital one indeed. I've got you now, you hellion. It is only a matter of time. Deportation is but three days away!

Vol 16:

He is everywhere and he takes on many forms. The shape-shifting shithead has obviously meandered about my home for weeks but also invaded my tree, in the form of a Christmas ornament, and now, as I've taken up temporary residence at my parents' house, he is present as a children's nightlight in the bathroom, staring, peering, judging as people partake in their most private and personal moments. He truly is a sick sonofabitch. He is also in my brain at this point, as evidenced by the masterful mindfuck he pulled on me on Thursday evening. I am a man of many talents but perhaps my most important task as the husband, father and clearly established second-in-command of our family is to handle all packing duties for out-of-town adventures. At Christmastime, this can get tricky, what with an overabundance of presents to account for, in addition to our regular haul. But, always up to the challenge, I gathered up all of the important items and successfully played the game of Tetris that is fitting all of them into the dadmobile, née Honda Pilot. All of them, you see, except for my own suitcase, left perfectly packed and wide open on my bedroom floor, only to be revealed at the most impactful moment from a psychological perspective, as we crossed the Brevard County line, all according to "Its" diabolical plan. I have no clothes. I have no toiletries. As a broken man at this point, I also have no soul. And now I seek redemption. A Christmas angel has aided my efforts to thwart this hostile takeover and my suitcase has been successfully recovered, here, two days later, so brushing my teeth and replacing the loin cloth I've adopted in the interim is but hours away. But the damage has been done. The little fucker has clearly won a round. His reign of terror ends for the season after tomorrow but does that give me time to recover my soul before he is banished once more? Clearly, his excommunication is more important than my return to human form so if sacrifice is required, I must remain committed to the cause. In the event of Christmas catastrophe, I offer warmest regards and eternal gratitude to all that have followed these chronicles. As I forge forward, know that I am acting not on my own behalf but for all that is good in this world. The final showdown is nearly upon us and with any luck - and the guidance of Lord Zeus, Ra the sun god, sweet baby Jesus, John Cougar, John Deere and John 3:16 - when it's all said and done, I aim to look the elf straight in the eye and tell him what a cheap, lying, no good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where's the Tylenol?

Vol 17:

It is all over. Since I am writing this, it needs not be clarified that the side of righteousness prevailed in the end but this was not always a foregone conclusion. The red devil was a formidable foe and I can say with near-certainty that we will do battle at least once more, as Boy 1 and Boy 2 will probably still be buying what he's selling. It cannot go undocumented that Hermie took one last pound of flesh as he exited, to the tune of me waking up in a panic at 5 am to remove him from sight and complete this festive ruse. Just as he had on Day 1 this year, he ruined my slumber and that cheeky little smile stretched ever so slightly. It did feel good, under the cover of darkness, to jam the little prick into my suitcase pocket and zip it up. I hope it's hot in your own personal hell, you heathen. And now, we pick up the pieces. I am in need of repair, inside and out. Tired, tattered, full of torment... But mostly tired. Is there no vacation from Christmas vacation? It's become clear to me that, despite my ultimate victory, this experience will haunt me for years to come. And in ensuing years, likely, it will be worse. So, when is a win actually a loss? Perhaps it is now. Perhaps it is more than just a pound of flesh the evil elf has taken with him. There is, it turns out, slight discomfort in my liver area, you see. That's either from the traditional holiday excess or, if you believe the ancient Navajo legend, that's where the soul is located and clearly, mine is gone. Back to our happy little lives? Sure - I can play that game. It is a beautiful existence. But he has broken me indeed. "And Darkness and Decay and The Red Death held illimitable dominion over all."