#am i saying he's trans or that he's an ally? whichever is true in your heart ♥

[qinghe-s]

happy zewu-june ♡ 2/8

[id: four gifs of lan xichen from various episodes of cql/the untamed. the outer edge of each gif is coloured in blue, pink, and white. each gif shows him playing liebing; in the lanshi, outside the jingshi, and at biling lake. caption reads “happy zewu-june ♡” in a blue-pink-white gradient. end id]

[sammiedetroit]

In The Moment

I was at a semi mainstream social event recently hosted by an old friend.  A mixed affair of college students along with some faculty and various other apparently educated, liberal types.

I was engaged in innocuous conversation with a middle aged woman when she decided to introduce me to her husband and, in doing so, misgendered me...not once but three times in quick succession.

I quietly leaned in and corrected her, explaining softly that it is “she” not “he”.

After a brief slightly puzzled moment she laughed and replied “Oh well, I never know what to say...I hear we are supposed to say “they” now”

Now, in this situation, the woman was obviously educated, and apparently at least somewhat liberal, and, most likely, of a fairly affluent life. Equally obviously, she meant no harm and did not even realize what she had done. Her misgendering was unintentional and totally lacking in any kind of malicious intent.

But...how could she be so clueless? You see, it wasn't that she misgendered me. Anyone can, in a conversation, become excited and forget. I totally understand that. Rather it was that, when corrected, she failed to respond adequately.

Look, I am is pretty honest about my appearance.  Brutally so, really. I walk through this world every day expecting people to just know that I am transgender.  I mean, heck, I am six foot two... barefoot.  No matter how hard I try I am still going to attract additional scrutiny.  In truth, some do “make me”, and some either don't or, better still, just don't care.  But I assume they do.  

It isn't that I wear a “tranny as fuck” t-shirt, or anything.  Rather, it's just that I teach myself not to care either way.  I find life far more relaxing having decided not to exchange the lie of pretending to be male for the lie of pretending to be cis. If anything I am proud of being myself, as I feel any trans person should be. I mean, cisgendered people have problems, sure, but trans individuals? We have all those same problems but must also face the overwhelming fear of rejection, humiliation and physical violence ...and overcome it....transition and then walk through life everyday expecting “situations” to occur. This is the nature of transgender. This is the reality of being non-binary in a binary world.

And make no mistake....I don't accept that gender is binary in nature. Why should it be? Once you realize that genitals define only biological sex and not gender identity, then you have to accept that gender itself is determined in the brain.  And it is.  But having said and accepted that premise, then one must further accept that gender is neither male and female, black and white, on and off, in or out.....but rather a vast and intricate spectrum as complicated and detailed in degree as there are individuals on Earth.  Where any one person is, on that spectrum, is determined solely by the nature of that particular individual. This theory truly explains so much.

But, it also flies in the face of a million years of learned conditioning.

The task for TG is not to insist that the world change overnight, but rather to learn how to live as a nonbinary person in a binary society.

Mostly that means simply blending each day, as best one can, within the role of whichever end of the gender binary with which one feels the most affinity.  It isn't easy, especially for those of us challenged by the limitations of a physical appearance far distant from that of the internal identity.

It takes a lot of effort.

So, after all that effort...well, it may seem silly, but.....after all that effort to overcome your fears... to alter and correct your appearance, to strive with all your might to appear visually as clearly and obviously as possible to be unmistakable....totally in line and in possession of all the markers associated with the gender with which you identify.....after all that...being misgendered hurts.

It hurts badly.

It is a total invalidation of self and a total rejection of that self.

Or so it feels.

And, quite honestly, it hurts the worst when it cames not from some irredeemable asshat ( you can at least prepare for that attack) but rather when it comes from someone apparently tolerant and well meaning..... when it comes at that moment when you feel safe and your defenses are dropped. It is a little like a sucker punch to the kidneys.

You have dropped your guard and are feeling safe and suddenly ...bang!...it's all back.

All the frustration, all the hopelessness, all the pain.

So, yes, it is important.

Even among those who are the closest and most well meaning this occurs.

Truthfully, even among allies, finding a cisgendered individual who completely understands being trans is a real rarity. Support? Yes. True understanding? Rare.

And so part of our problem is learning to constantly suppress hurt feelings and constantly and gently try to educate.

And that is OK.

It goes with the turf.

Most (not all...depends where you live, of course).... most mainstream people are pretty open minded. But they are going to make mistakes.

It's important to make sure they understand their mistake....not abusively, or angrily, but with patience and kindness and love.

The woman in the conversation above meant no disrespect, and probably did not even realize she was guilty of any. The problem is that when corrected she totally failed to take ownership of her mistake. The desired response would have been a simple recognition of error and an apology. By falling back on some flimsy reference to a general “they” prescribing mythical protocols, all responsibility was avoided, and no recognition given that feelings might have been bruised.

This response was totally human and normal and quite understandable. When confronted with the idea that she had misspoken and possibly caused offense, she chose to deflect and so diminish the problem thus diminishing the discomfort she felt.

But, in no way did that response diminish my discomfort.

I mean, look.....when one is face to face with a transgender person who has just specifically informed you of which pronouns are appropriate, who actually cares what some mythical “they” have to say?

Seriously.

If you actually care to know how a transgender person feels....just listen to them.

Most TG that I know are the sweetest, kindest hearts you would ever ever want to know.

Now if you are cis gender and think this doesn't matter...if you think that this is just political correctness gone awry... if you think you are already totally fair and treat everyone equally and that this is a lot of noise about nothing.....well, no...you are either failing to understand, or simply broadcasting that you do not give a shit exactly what is at stake.

I get it

….and I forgive you.  

For many years I failed to understand what all the noise was about either.  

“White, male privilege?  

“Women's rights?”

I totally failed to understand what discrimination was really all about at all.

I mean...I walked through life oblivious...full of confidence... thinking I treated everyone fairly and everyone the same.

I was wrong.

You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I get it now. Believe me...I get it.

But I remember how it felt to be clueless. I really do.

So, I forgive you.

I just wanted to try and drop you a line to remind you...

Every day, and in every interaction we have with anyone....we have the opportunity to truly see them ...another spark of beautiful life in the darkness.

And we also have the option to miss that opportunity.

Which do you think is better?