#ambers.weed

[momentsofamber]

stoned chibi me has several Controversial(tm) Things (aka topics I ran away from in fear of discourse over the last two decades) that she would like to announce before I sober up and morality ocd and bpd start beating my ass for oversharing.

sometimes (especially age regressed) I'm still a girl even though I am transmasc non-binary physically and to the offline world. identifying as a girl sometimes in safe spaces like online does not make me a cis girl and does not invalidate my experience as a trans person. I am non-binary. my gender is allowed to be more than one thing, including female in a non-cis way.

I do not know the origin of my system. maybe it's bpdgenic because I had traits of it in childhood. maybe it's median, maybe it's endogenic. maybe it all started out as a lonely little girl who was so afraid of abandonment that she made a bunch of friends in her own head so she couldn't be alone and that was just a survival skill that she had without any labels for it. that doesn't make me any less of a valid plural system and I wouldn't be as stable as I am now without my other selves.

I'm a paraphile who has been ashamed of having a paraphilia my whole life. it existed even when I was a toddler. in fact I'm so ashamed of having said paraphilia that I've only ever told a handful of people what it is and have a fear of even saying the word itself because it's so obscure. anyone I've ever actually told, their reaction has always been 'that's adorable' or 'I can completely understand why that's appealing to you'. I have never hurt anyone with my paraphilia and finding someone attractive for something specific cannot harm them because thought crime does not exist and I never engage with the people personally unless there is consent involved.

I'm pro-incest. I think what consenting related people do at home is none of my business in the same way that what anyone else is doing at home or at a friend's is none of my business. what consenting adults do is absolutely none of my business and doesn't affect me.

I'm anti-censorship and I believe that people should be able to make any content they want, or have sex however they want as long as it is consensual for all 18+ parties involved (if irl roleplay or live-action porn) and/or entirely fictional content (art, fic, rp, etc). fictional characters under the age of 18 and/or fictional characters who are related to each other are still fictional and therefore do not require anyone's consent. don't like? don't look.

[momentsofamber]

cw: stoned trauma dump; mentions of past suicidal thoughts, religious trauma, physical abuse of an autistic child, dehumanization.

I refuse to bring children into this world with my own reproductive parts because every moment of my own childhood was a living nightmare.

I was not allowed to think, feel, act, or speak for myself. Everything was always someone else's programming, dictated by the "adults" around me; "family", teachers, counselors - someone else's idea of what Right and Wrong were.

Some else's idea of what I could and could not do. How I should feel if I do the thing that I was told not to do even if no one got hurt in the process. How I should feel if I ever even thought for two seconds about the thing I was told not to do as a theoretical because "God is always watching you."

I was taught to feel guilt for my own thoughts and I spent hours laying in bed at night hating myself, wishing I could just go to sleep and never wake up because I was an awful burden that my family didn't deserve to be putting up with.

Pediatricians who wouldn't listen to my mom who swore up and down that her child was autistic but the doctors just kept saying 'no, she expresses herself too well, she CAN'T be autistic' as I literally just had a screaming and crying and clawing and biting at people meltdown and four different doctors had to physically restrain me together to give me a fucking hep-b shot or whatever because all I knew was that I was a fucking terrified child and they wanted to STAB me against my will.

And then at 18 after I'd spent all of those 18 years being molded like a robot to become a cog in the capitalism machine, all of those adults suddenly said, you're no longer a child, you're an adult and now you're expected to act just like we do but also we're not going to tell you how to do it, you just watch what we do and copy it because we already taught you the rest.

Why in any version of reality would I ever want to be responsible for putting another living being through my own trauma? I'm still only just now learning how to let my own inner-child exist as a child in my 30's.

No wonder I've always identified with robots and clones and other non-organic humanoid lifeforms in fictional media.

I was dehumanized by my own caregivers, who also allowed other adults around me to continue the dehumanization, from the moment I was born.