#and I've rarely allowed myself to feel the pain so whenever i do let myself feel it it's SO BAD AND OVERWHELMING

[robinsnest2111]

coming to terms with all the good and all the bad and all the incredibly ugly parts of growing up with emotionally distant, frustrated, overwhelmed, easily upset, easily enraged, sometimes violent as a last resort parents who still tried the best they could with what little they had at their disposal can be something so difficult and painful

[samira-kehmet]

What Am I To Do? || Flashback

Date: 1881

Location: Samira and Kore's apartment

Notes: Fed up with Samira acting distant with their newly adopted toddler, Ellexa, Kore snaps.

It was rare that Samira and Kore got into arguments, so from Samira's perspective this entire conversation had come out of left field. Kore never "stormed" anywhere, but here she was, storming into the kitchen, uncharacteristically pissed off.

"I don't understand what you want me to do -" Samira started as she followed Kore. But Kore angrily interjected.

"You aren't trying to bond with her, Samira!" Kore snapped, turning on her heel to face her. "You work all these long hours as is, then you come home and you work some more. You don't talk to her, you don't even look at her - you barely act like she exists!"

Samira's mouth opened, stunned by the accusation.  "That isn't true -"

"Yes, it is!" Kore put a hand on her hip, the other hand waving around angrily. "You know I accept how much you love your job. You know how much I support you. But when you are here, you act as if you'll crumble if you get to close to her. I'm with her all day, and all night. I tuck her in every night. I'm the one who wakes up when she's crying in the middle of night. I'm the one that takes her out of bed every morning. But you? Where the hell are you?"

Samira's lips pressed together. It was a painful truth - Samira had been looking for excuses to work more often, so she would have a reason not to be around Ellexa. All she could think about whenever she looked at the infant was the innate feeling of when she would die, and how that would be long after the infant did. Having Kore was already hard enough. She thought she could do this, the marriage and the children, but she wasn't so sure now. 

Kore watched Samira visibly think, since she had yet to say anything out loud at this point. She shook her head.

"Sami," she sighed. "You promised me we would make this work."

Samira looked at her, then found herself fighting back tears. She surprised even herself. She typically was very in control of her emotions. It came with the job of treating patients daily. But Kore was always her one weakness.

"I... don't know if I can do this," Samira finally spoke, her voice cracking. "I try so hard not to think about it, but every day I struggle with not thinking about how I'm going to watch you grow old and die. And now, with Ellexa... it's even more so. How am I supposed to live like this? How am I supposed to allow myself happiness knowing it's going to end for me and I can't go with you when it does?"

Kore's face softened, the anger of before dissipating. She stepped forward and gently took Samira's face in her hands. Samira's tears streamed down into her palms.

"So you would choose to live without happiness at all?" Kore asked, a thumb wiping away some of her tears. "I won't pretend I know what it's like for you. But Sami, everyone loves and loses. That's how life is, whether you live for only a few decades or for centuries. It can hurt so much, but life is worth living because of the love and joy we get to experience beyond all that pain. You can't let the fear of loss keep you from living."

Samira looked away shook her head, still trying to resist that notion. She had never loved as intensely as she did with Kore, not even with her first wife, and it was only with Kore did she start thinking so much about the after. Now that she had Kore, she couldn't imagine an existence without her. It wasn't fair.

"Sami, look at me," Kore pleaded.

After some hesitation, Samira brought her eyes back to Kore.

"I intend to love you for the rest of my days." Kore smiled sadly. "I want to leave behind as many memories of love for you before I go. But you have to let me. And Ellexa. You're the strongest person I've ever known. With the biggest heart. I know your heart can carry the weight. And I'll help you carry it for as long as I can."

Kore always had a way to comfort her, even when Samira wasn't looking to be comforted. It was also very difficult to protest her for too long, so Samira eventually caved and gave a quiet "okay". Pleased with her response, Kore leaned in and softly kissed Samira. 

She wasn't sure how she was supposed to get through this. But she had to remind herself who she was - and that wasn't a quitter. She had never quit anything in her life. And she certainly would not start now with her growing family.

[shra-vasti]

YOON JEONGHAN

Series : To all the boys

Pairing : Yoon Jeonghan x reader

Type : non idol au, ex-lovers au

Genre : angst, drama, fluff, romance

Warnings : none

Word count : 700 approx

Synopsis : You decided to write some letters to every boy who was a part of your past as your last message after getting diagnosed with chronical disease.

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[Received, 15.10.2020] | one | two | previous | next

To,

Yoon Jeonghan

I'll be less arrogant just for once, I'll speak to you heart to heart for the last time. I hope you're doing well, I hope you're doing well with Jihyun and I know you miss me, it would be amazing if you don't do so.

I ignore you, always, whenever you try to reach me, cause even if I lost my memories my body won't allow me to forget what you did to me, it will, by instinct make me step away from you a bit if you try to touch me.

It will hurt you but my heart won't feel at ease seeing the dejected look on your face, cause even if I tried I've loved you so deeply once that I won't ever think of hurting you. But still if I do, it was by instinct.

You had asked me many times that you regretted what you did so why can't I accept you, that was the thing, I had too much trauma from dating you.

Zeny asked me where was the y/n she knew when we were in 9th grade and I couldn't answer her because I too, wasn't aware where I lost myself while loving you.

You're dangerous Jeonghan, you're eccentric and narcissistic, not to call you out but it has became a part of you since Jihyun always put you above everything. I don't know why I had to be the victim of both of yours toxic phase. I would have done so much better.

I don't regret dating or loving you, because of you I came to have a taste of my own medicine, I learned more about feelings, about many other things which I wasn't aware of. I learned how my happiness doesn't reside in dating someone but in you.

I sometimes wish I never met you and I know hearing these things will hurt you, again I'm not trying to hurt you it's just that the time we spent together was a little too sharp and I bleed everytime I try to recall it.

Jeonghan, even if you will try your best, the y/n you once knew and loved, the one who loved and cherished you, has already died, you can't bring her back, even if you beg me to talk to you, I can't bring myself to do so.

I'm afraid of you and your toxicity and I can't bring myself to take you back. You used to call me your best friend forever, someone whom you could lean on, it would have been great if you had took care of me well instead of behaving like a shit head you are.

I often blame myself, that all of this happened to me because of all the hearts I've myself played with but never once in my life I made any of them feel like I was belittling them, you attacked me from the very core and even if I tried, a part of me still wouldn't be able to forgive you.

You lost me Yoon Jeonghan, just accept the fact and stop acting like you still have some impact on me., you do have but not upto the point I'll turn my life upside down or even change my schedule a bit for you.

You should start being happy with what you have, Jihyun may be naive but that girl can break someone's self confidence just so she could have you.

It isn't a thing to be proud of, however naive you might be, ruining someone's self confidence and making fun of their looks ultimately makes you a shitty person.

But you two are indeed made for each other, you fill up each other's ego and call it love. Please continue to be with her, she loves you way too much and I don't want both of you to have another victim of your toxicity.

I am writing this letter cause I never wanted to have a one of one conversation with you, in case I'll get irritated again cause you can't lie but you still try your best to do so.

You told me, you can't see me with other man, that you'll beat them to death if they do so, well happy for you since I lost my faith in relationship all together to even think of doing that.

Carrying on with you life with the fact that you lost me and let me live by my own, I don't wanna relive or go back to those memories so it will be great if you just, give up, which you rarely do considering how stubborn you are, but I beg you, some things are just not meant to be mended back.

You accused me about me liking challenges in a relationship, that I was never born to be in a boring relationship cause I liked the grind but what you were putting up for me in our relationship wasn't a challenge, it was just you being a total shithead, heartless, sexist, and all those thbigs, these aren't challenges, these are the thing of you being mannerless and illiterate.

I hope I never have to cross path with you again, let me live and I hope you don't have to go through the pain I've gone through casue you are way more weaker than me.

With best wishes,

To the boy who I have hurt have hurt me before.