#and after it i just felt. regret. like im clearly under my cal amount today i literally walked twice the amount that bar had
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oh it's getting worse
#this shit has always been more about control and willpower than anything else for me#(i know. im this self aware and still keep falling into the same fucking pit 🥴)#and today yeah i was shaky with just two coffees and water and walking around the city for a uni thing#so i decided to eat a protein bar just that i wont faint before i get on my 4h train back#and after it i just felt. regret. like im clearly under my cal amount today i literally walked twice the amount that bar had#but all i could hear in my head was “i didn't need that”#like part of it has always been “i'm in control#in what i eat how much i eat like if i wanted to stop i could“ and its so cliche bUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ABLE TO#THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT#but now i have a sandwich in my bag and my head hurts but im not hungry and i just don't want to eat it even tho i know i should#like yeah i don't feel hungry but i really should eat it now i should be able to eat it#but my head says “why? why should i?” BECAUSE IM IN SEVERE CALORIE DEFECIT DUMBASS#and this is so weird and stupid and embarrassing#but ive been to this pit like four times in the past 5 years in episodes and its never felt this consuming it#the episodes i would restrict were sometimes longer and sometimes shorter but I was always in control#ig i thought i was the fucking exception to a fucking rule#i needed this control to make it thru being at my dad's and all my pre-semester uni stress#it should be getting easier#and its fucking not#i know i have no one to blame except myself jesus fucking Christ
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