#and butcher's SO bitter and eventually talks hughie back in.

[katierosefun]

something i enjoy about suits is that these mike and harvey are literally drawn to each other because they both love a good adrenaline rush. like, mike was the one who talked harvey into giving him a job despite having zero qualifications other than his insane memory, and yet harvey already had at least 75% made up when he shook mike's hand. harvey talks about how life is like this and he likes living like this, and mike talks about how he got kicked out of a life that he's been chasing ever since. they're both scrambling after some kind of insane life and mike will say that he wants to help people (and he does! i think he really does!), but he's also the insane guy who tells himself he's helping people by also lying his way into the system in the first place. he's a guy who likes to bend the rules to get at his larger goals, and harvey's the guy who sees most rules as gentle suggestions more than anything else, so long as he just wins. they're both insane! they feed into each other's insanity! mike can play coy and pretend he'll leave harvey eventually, but then harvey wheedles his way back into mike's life with another offer or plan or suggestion and mike will go "no, harvey, i like my peaceful life right now" and then an episode later be like "nvm. what are we doing now". i'm sick to the stomach because they're literally always going to be like this. they aren't escaping each other because they recognize each other for the insane high they both want. they're literally obsessed with each other

[anundyingfidelity]

I'M A RUIN — Soldier Boy/Ben (Part V)

Series summary: After the events of the Seven Tower, you present Grace Mallory a new secret project you're working on already to develop a cure to Compound V. The only problem? You need Soldier Boy for that.

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x female reader.

Word count: 2.4k.

Warnings for series: set after S3 (spoilers), some OOC!Ben, some depressed!Ben, angst, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, slow-burn, language, PTSD, reader has Compound V (she's no Vought supe tho), Soldier Boy being an usual asshole, reader is a fucking liar.

Warnings on this chapter: some misogyny and shit (you know who), psychiatry stuff, canon gore, blood, heads exploding, and violence?.

Notes: so I'm sorry for any mistakes during the psychyatric process, I go to therapy and take medication myself so that's all I know plus google research. And be aware of the gore descriptions, I tried to do my best I guess lol. Thanks for reading as always!

this fic tags: @k-slla @syrma-sensei @mostlymarvelgirl @cheynovak @drasticemotions @soldirboy @deans-spinster-witch

☕ if you like my writing, support me with a ko-fi !

get yourself in the taglist!

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | | Part VIII

GEN MASTERLIST! — SERIES MASTERLIST!

Part V: Blow Your Mind

With a deep breath, you reviewed the symptoms Soldier Boy barely 'gave' during your session. The list was kind of long on the pages and it read:

Always being on guard for any danger, self-destructive behavior, irritability, angry outbursts, panic attacks, feeling emotionally numb, not trusting anyone, not feeling safe, hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, fatigue, muscle tension, headaches, back pain...

There was a weird silence surrounding both of you, mostly because of his mood and his change in demeanor from a somewhat friendly asshole to an irritated, unbearable jerk. Once you had started with the uncomfortably stupid questions, he felt threatened. Soldier Boy wasn't actually open to talk about his past and the traumatic experiences he had, and that meant it was difficult to get to know how his body and mind were reacting to all the stress and madness he went through in decades, adding those weeks after Billy Butcher had released him from his nightmare.

He was opposed to speaking directly about how he was feeling, but you knew better that Ben speaking out on his symptoms was not going to happen. So you had to ask each one of them and review some his most harsh experiences directly, in order to receive monotonous responses, limited to: 'yes', 'no', 'I don't know,' and finally 'what the fuck is that?' You took them all as an absolute yes.

He was being defensive and you knew better than to miss anything after he almost burned the whole damn building. And with the small but confident experience you had with psychiatry, you concluded that he needed medication and therapy. As soon as fucking possible.

"Yeah, you have PTSD," you said after a moment and your eyes found his unreadable gaze.

He raised his eyebrows with false surprise. He already heard that shit from Hughie before. "And where's the fucking drugs?"

"For that to happen, you have to stop the weed first."

"I've survived bricks of coke mixed with shit you probably don't know about and you want to take the only thing that's keeping me sane? Fan-fucking-tastic!" he fumed, but you didn't flinch. Not a bit.

"Look, my goal is keeping you safe and making you sane because you definitely are not. Not right now. And since I took you out, you'll follow my process, so stop whining."

He chuckled softly with a bitter grimace on his lips as he shook his head softly. "No, that's not gonna happen."

"I don't care if you agree with that, it's settled," you continued, a triumphant smile plastered on your face.

It was true, you didn't give a single shit. He had to be clean and quit any type of drugs to start the medication but most importantly, to use his blood. Eventually. You were more than aware that he wouldn't die easily, that was proved. And it was just a matter of time to get him to your lab to take samples of his blood and run the necessary research on them while you and your team still continued the studies with the Anti-V prototype. You were only hoping that day would arrive soon enough. Two months sober, that was all you needed from him. And the best part? Soldier Boy didn't have to really know the whole details.

Ben, on the other hand, clenched his jaw so tight and closed his eyes for a moment after hearing your statement. You really were a fucking bitch, letting him fall into the abyss of misery and torture that was his own wrecked mind. He considered your intentions internally, once again for the millionth time. You showed up there all dressed up, playing a rich doctor when in reality you were just a fucking slutty brat, just to tell him he had to stop his usual pot, which you also brought happily when he asked you to. And now, you were taking away the only thing that stopped him from ripping your head off. What a great move.

"That's not smart," he insisted.

"Why not? I have you under my own terms."

Ben tilted his head, studying you carefully. "You can't stop me, doll. None of you can. I'm only here because I find it suitable instead of storming out and catching unnecessary attention."

Ben saw you swallow down, he immediately knew it was because you were angry, not scared. You never really seemed scared of him. And you tried to restrain yourself from slapping him right away. "Are you blackmailing me again, Soldier Boy?"

"Is just a warning," he said, nonchalantly. "Wouldn't want to harm such a pretty thing like you, now wouldn't we."

"Oh well, just a reminder I can also turn on the damn gas if needed," you snapped. The arrogant smirk on his lips fell off and it was your turn to smile back. "We all have hidden cards, right?"

Such an arrogant bitch, he thought.

"So, what's your plan?" you switched the subject to avoid going further into what was troubling him.

"What do you mean?"

"Homelander. You want him dead, don't you? You must be getting ready to fight again..."

His body seemed tense once you pushed him to talk, looking away from you to calm a bit. "Isn't that what all of you want?"

"Any sane person would love that, trust me."

Soldier Boy narrowed his eyes. "Well, I can do it. If I wasn't here... You've seen what he's capable of. Jesus, I've seen it," he bitterly chuckled. "And the kid? He's a fucking menace."

"You've been watching the news, I take that—"

"The fuck I do! Wasn't gonna wait for you to keep me up to date of what the fuck is going on!" Ben shouted, his loud voice roaring in your ears despite the distance.

"I don't want you to stress out more than you do," you said, vacillating. "A lot of things take time, such as you adapting to the twenty-first century."

"I'd love to know when that'll happen," Ben insisted. "Or else, I might just break out."

With a tentative smile, you started to write down the report. "I'm so glad you're talking more during our sessions."

You barely said goodbye to Soldier Boy once you finished your daily session. Your head was aching as you walked down the aisle, barely leaving the empty wing of the building behind. Certainly he was hard to handle and was behaving defensively. Before you left he began asking, or better said, bossing you to get him whatever the kid Hughie told him he needed to learn how to use. Shit like the internet and GPS, he said. You told him he was not ready for it yet.

But you'd give him a golden star for trying and insisting so badly, even if he was against eighty percent of your methods. He was up to something, there was no question for that. He was a soldier, more or less like his given supe name. People like him always had a plan, and underneath his facade, there were more plans backed up with words of honor that you had to track sooner or later.

As you made your way to your office, greeting your lab employees and guards, a disturbing sensation grew up inside. Before crossing the doorframe you subtly looked around, focusing for some reason in the security camera, more time than you'd like to admit. You turned again to finally get inside, facing the entry of your office when hurried steps and a voice stopped you from doing so.

"Doctor!"

Once again you turned on your heels to see your assistant, tablet in hand. Those had to be the results.

"Hey," you began. "You have everything?"

Bianca nodded with a straight face and handed you the tablet. You noticed her tight grip and her somehow trembling fingers when you took the device from her hands. You eyed her a little, she remained with her hands intertwined in front of her, her attention seemed lost. With caution, you continued to check the file.

"Is the patient alright?" you asked, reading the profile of the supe who had the not so good luck of being tested previously.

Solaris was his supe name. And he had the ability to manipulate light and matter with his mind. He had taken part in the program for a month now and this was his first test. As always, each supe you had into the program was low-profile. You were thankful of your team keeping these supes under their gaze to offer them some sort of solution, even after all the deaths you tracked from time to time when a test of the Anti-V was run. More than a solution for them, it was a partial contribution to find it.

You quickly scanned the updated file that Bianca completed for you. He was doing better than projected, his powers were still gone with a forecast of probably coming back within a couple of hours. A deep breath left your lips. Now that was an improvement. It was the first time anything like that happened on any tests. The supe survived, he was weak but the powers were off for a bit. It was a small step closer to your goal. Just a little bit more maybe and it could be done, finally...

"He's resting right now," Bianca interrupted your thoughts. Your eyes were back on her face.

"This is great news, thank you. I trust he's doing okay."

She nodded. "He is."

"Great, I guess I'll see him in a couple of hours," you said about entering your office.

"Wait!" Bianca suddenly closed the little space between both of you. She breathed heavily before stuttering words out. "I, I have- I'm sorry..."

"Are you okay?" you inquired, knowing her behavior was unusual. She swallowed down, turning her gaze away, her hands shaking. Was she sick? "Bianca, what's wrong?"

You tried to reach her cheek with your hand, but she stepped back abruptly, looking at you like if you were a ghost with her eyes red and wet, and a fine layer of sweat adorning her skin.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed.

You walked towards her, worried about what was going on but every step you took, she also gave it back.

"Bianca, what's happening?"

Her back bumped the wall of your office, and finally, she started to cry. "I'm sorry. You have to go, please..."

Your heart started pounding heavily on your chest. "What—"

"Go now! Please... Please don't hurt me..."

"I'm not going to hurt you, Bianca," you whispered, trying to comfort her.

But she continued crying and mumbled incoherent words with eyes shut, while hot tears streamed down her face. She choked on her sobs as she pleaded for her life. But you didn't understand why. You tried to soothe her, reaching her shoulder with your free hand.

And when you placed your palm on her, everything became red. It all happened in seconds. Ropes of warm blood covered your face in an instant. A loud gasp fell from your throat. You felt every drop mixed with brains on the skin of your face, on your neck, and sliding down the skin under your blouse. It was shocking and equally disgusting. And your eyes remained shut, not brave enough to move or see the horrid picture in front of you.

Your palm was still on her shoulder when the remains of her body fell to the ground with a thud. Your trembling hand wiped some blood from your face to open your eyes anew. The wall was painted with her, as much as you were, and it left a trail of blood from where her corpse slid to the floor. Her head long fucking gone.

"Shit."

Shit. Fucking shit. Was it him? It had to be him. There was no reason to doubt it. It was him. And he complied with his promise. Had Homelander been controlling Bianca? Was she the only one? No. There had to be something more. Homelander wasn't easy and he wasn't merciful with anyone. You had to stop him and get Soldier Boy out of the building. Now.

You tried to control yourself as best as you could, walking away to reach anyone, crossing a corner on the hallway, where a guard was casually passing by.

He stopped on his tracks at your sight, covered in blood and meat. "Doctor?"

"I need your help," you whispered.

He nodded quickly and you began explaining with a low, shaky voice.

"I don't know what happened, my assistant was right there with me when— Fuck!"

You walked some inches away when his head exploded, just like Bianca's did. Luckily, or not, this time was inside his helmet. All the red brains and blood were catched by it. Still, you wanted to throw up right fucking there. The remains of his body fell to the floor with a loud sound.

With a deep breath you continued your way, finding guards, lab assistants and agents. If they were alive, their heads popped into your sight. And if it was your somehow lucky moment of the day, you just found their headless corpses lying on the ground, creating a pool of blood you tried to avoid.

The only thing on your mind was taking Ben out of the building. The alarm had been turned on and the annoying sound of it was driving you crazy. Your head ached more than ever as you made your way to Soldier Boy for the second fucking time during the day.

Since there was no time to open the heavy door properly, you used a force field around the metal, moving the door until it slipped enough to let you in. You found him standing in the middle of the room. Eyes dark and alert, with fists and frame ready to fight. He wrinkled his nose once you entered the place.

"What the fuck's going on?" Ben growled, observing your blood covered face.

"We need to go, now. Take your clothes off."

He blinked, taken aback. Before he answered you continued with an explanation.

"I'll turn you invisible, but can't turn your clothes," you ordered, looking in the closet for a sports bag you knew was inside and picking a couple of shirts, pants and boxers as quickly as time allowed you to. Once finished, you turned to Ben again.

"Mind to fucking clarify?" he insisted. You sighed, closing your eyes for a moment.

"Look, I'll tell you everything once we're out," you turned one of your hands invisible for him to see.

Ben snorted with laughter. How ironic, he thought.

"No fucking way."

"Strip. We're leaving."

[grazieschillivera]

Take you home

Summary: You and the boys are on a mission to help Butcher and Becca bringing Ryan back.Stormfront confronts you and you decide to face her on your own, since you live in the believe that no one cares about you anyway.

Word count: ca. 2500 words

,,I'm serious you guys.The next one who says that he worries about me gets punched.'' you said before the entire group went finally silent in the car.Since days you were under pressure and always stressed out you knew that already and had no need of hearing it from the others.Instead you needed so focus and your task for today.

Even though no one talked anymore , their faces showed that they judged your behavior.Butchers stern eyes meet yours in the car mirror but you showed yourself unimpressed and turned away to look outside of your window.To reassure yourself, you searched for your weapon in your pockets and pressed them firmly in your palm, that you had worked on the last weeks.Homelander was Butcher's demon he had to fight but yours was something else.

Once you arrived at your hiding spot, Butcher and Becca went off to bring back Ryan, while the rest of you waited in the barn on this lost field, full of anitcipation.No one really talked.Frenchie held Kimiko in his arms and MM looked at a picture of his family, leaning against the car.You had to think about Hughie and Starlight and hoped they were alright.

After some time Butcher and Becca came back with Ryan and decided that it would be the best, when she and Ryan would be without Butcher and get in the car to drive away.You stood almost outside of the circle when you eyed everyone up and compared them with you.Everyone had someone they liked especially and did this whole thing for and mostly laid in this persons arms now.You knew this familiar feeling of bitterness that would always rise inside you, when you had to see such situations.But maybe this was the way things had to be.Maybe you didn't need a home to go after all of this was over.

Only seconds before the car with Becca,Ryan and M&M drove outside of the, Butcher stoped it, when Stormfront arrived on the field.After a few words were shouted over the field, the first  lightning crossed the leftover space between your friends and her.Kimiko had almost managed to take care of Stormfront on her own, once she had reached her.But Stormfront was strong enough to snap her neck eventually.

,,Fucking coward.'' said M&M.

He and Frenchie complained that their guns couldn't do a thing to her.Butcher was about to get the rest of the weapons out of the car but you stoped him.

,,No save them up.Just in case this won't work out.'' you said while pulling out your gloves covered with metal plates, you had constructed.

,,What is that Y/N?'' asked Butcher.

,,It's autmn Butcher, I'm fucking freezing.'' you said.

,,For fucks sake just stop this nonsense and bring yourself to safety in the forest.'' said Butcher noding to Becca and Ryan.You answered him with an eyeroll turned around.

Butchers hand stoped you from walking away from him.

,,Seriously.What the fuck do you plan to do?'' his eyes were stern on you.

,,I'm shooting the cunt from the sky.'' you said like a confession.

You wanted to take a second and give him a last smile, before you ran outside on the field, but you were far to tense to do so.

,,Did you know that the birth of Ronia the Robber's Daughter caused thunder so loud that even the Robbers started to get afraid?'' you said ,when you stood almost directly underneath her.Both of you looked at each other rather unimpressed, even though your heart started to skip beats as you had to walk over Kimikos unconscious body.

,,What?'' asked she.

Your eyes met the small lightnings that held her up in the sky.

,,Astrid Lindgren hated Nazis.So don't you dare to make stupid Pippi Longstocking references.'' you said giving her a stupid smile in response, while you started the prepare for her first attack.

,,Oh please.Who are you anyway?'' she said.

When she raised her hand and the first lines of a lightning started to form, it seemed to happen in slow motion for you due to you anticipation.It had to be.Otherwise you wouldn't have a chance to react quick enough.

Before the lightning could reach your chest your hands stretched out, to absorb it.Your eyes wanted to just look away, but your forced your whole body to withstand the urge to flee.The bolt spreaded out from your fingertips and flew in different directions, were they couldn't harm someone.If you haven't been so scared in this moment you could have actually noticed all the different colors this got mirrored in the light.Or the scream from Butcher to you, when he thought you would get hit by the attack.

The force behind the blast wasn't as weak as you had hoped, your gloves seemed to absorb almost the whole engery from her attack, but only almost of it.Your shoes digged into the dirt, once they were steady again.The force had pushed you some meteres away from her, but at least the lightning couldn't harm you anymore.

You answered her confused gaze with a wicked grin to provoke her, you already stood in the arena, the others should be kept hiden from her attention.

The next lightnings sounded like a loud orchester in your ears , whenever you touched them and shot them directly back to her.But she was hard to get, even though your aming with lightning improved over the small time.It was useless, when she knew that you were about to fire back immediatly.

In that time Butcher send M&M with Becca and Ryan in the forest and aimed at Stormfront with his Serbu.

Stormfront fell from the sky with the first shot at her.

,,Thats enough.I'm not here to play your stupid games.'' said she through her teeth.

Despite the continuing shot in the body, she stood up and was about to fly away.Thats when you ran to the nearest car to open it to try something that could stop her from going after the rest.You linked your hands to the car's battery and managed to create an own bolt that you shot at Stormfront to get her back on the ground.

,,Nice one Y/N.'' said Butcher now that you were in hearing range again.You managed to give him a smile.You had to admit that you had started to feel the rush of adrenaline in your body after your first own attack.

,,Don't you think its your turn to run away now?'' you asked Butcher a bit out of breath when you created another bolt and shot it at Stormfront to keep her away from the barn, in which he and Frenchie still stood.

,,Do as many magic tricks as you like love.I'm not leaving you alone with this cunt.'' said Butcher before he send Frenchie to Kimiko to somehow get her awake again, now that the way was free and Stormfront was focused on you two.

,,Nope.Stupid idea.Very stupid idea.'' you said a bit stressed out after you had crossed the small distance between you and Frenchie an shoved him behind you, just in time to prevent him from being shot by lithning.

,,Can we please come up with the agreement to not spread up.'' you said while you fought against the strong push from Stormfronts attack.Just when your derived lightning was about to hit her, she flew up in the sky just to lend some after meters to stand right between you and Butcher to throw his gun away.

,,You stupid bitch.Do you really think you can protect everyone with those gloves?What's even with those?Wasn't your family smart enough to make a deal with Vought?'' asked she now a bit more relaxed with the knowledge that she would have her peace within the next seconds.Her hands gestured through the athmospere and started to form a new lightning.

You knew that you couldn't create a new bolt again, since you had no source near you and even though you still could feel that your body couldn't keep the energy in your body over a longer time than some seconds.Those gloves were there to just derive them away from you.But what you also knew was that if this upcoming lightning would get Butcher, there was almost no chance that he would survive this.

You decided to stay daring.

,,I don't need some stupid doping to survive your lightnings.I don't feel a damn thing from them.Doesn't this make me even stronger than you?'' you asked.You gave Butcher no attentin at all, even though you could feel his burning gaze on you.

,,Really?Nothing at all?Let me show you than what a damn thing feels like.'' said Stormfront, now using both hands to blast a lightning to you.

Your body flew across the field while it fought against the pain that wouldn't get out of it due to your gloves grip around yourself.

The cold ground and some noises from Butcher and the rest was the only thing you noticed during your fight inside you that prevented you from making any sign that would show your conciousness.Only when your heart seemed to be seconds from tearing apart you rised up from the floor and shot your saved up energy to Stormfront, right before she could harm the rest of your group.

Almost at the same time Kimiko ran past you and jumped onto Stormfront, who laid on the grounp still in pain from your attack, and gave her the last bit to knock her out.With a releaved smile you let yourself fall onto the ground again.The energy was gone but the pain still shined through your body.

The next thing you felt was a hand underneath your neck that carefully held your head up.

,,Y/N?Hey!Talk to me.You alright?'' you heared Butcher said between some cursing.

,,What was that?'' asked Frenchie.You and Kimiko had exchanged a profing look before she gave a an reassuring nod.

,,We have a fucking lightning conductor now.'' said Butcher not knowing whether to like this or not, he just laughed shortly in disbelieve.

You had no clue if you wanted to laugh out of relieve or cry because you have been scared to death until now.To be precise you had another reason to cry and when you remembered it, a tear ran down your cheek during your weak giggles.

,,Am I blue?'' you asked behind the arm that covered your face, when you knew how to talk again.

,,What?No.Are you drunk?'' asked Butcher cleary not prepared for such a question.

,,People who get stuck by lightning usually get blue marks.'' you said and wanted to stay up but your body striked against any move.So did Butcher.His other hand bend your upper body down to the ground again, careful not to hurt you.

,,Easy there.You have at least a bolt scar just like the Harry Potter fucker.'' said Butcher.He uncovered your face and stroked the tear away while he gave you his familiar smile.The look that had you fall in love with him since the last months.You cursed him for doing this right now.

,,Its not a bolt.Its suppossed to be the motion of the deadly spell.'' you said making Butcher grin in disbelieve.

,,She is fine.'' said Butcher to the rest.

Frenchie and Kimiko left to bring the car to you.Just some seconds later you're heart started to hurt and you moaned out of pain.

,,Y/N?Fuck what's wrong?'' Butcher asked but you couldn't answer.You just cried and gestured to your heart.

You heard how Butcher yelled to Frenchie to hurry up with the car and to M&M to bring Becca and Ryan to the hideout.

,,We'll drive you to the hospital.Alright?Just hang on.'' said Butcher.He had stoped in his motion to stand up and jumped down and took you in his arms instead ,pressing your body reassuringly against himself.

,,I thought we made a deal a long time ago about changing plans.Why did you even have to do this?You should know by now that I like to make sure I can take you back home alive afterwards.'' he said leaning away from you to look you in the eyes.

The ache in your heart started to fade away giving you enough strenght to shove yourself off from his arms, saying you just wanted to stay here.

,,Don't be stupid.You need help.Come on when were back home you can sleep as much as you want.'' said he trying once more to lift you up to bring you into the upcoming car.

,,Don't say that.There is no home.At least not for long anymore.'' you said.Your eyes with his when he stoped in his motion due to your resistance.

,,I just thought I should do this on my own.All of you guys have someone special you have to take care of, even without this stupid Vought stuff.Everyone except me.I wanted to make sure you can keep your loved ones at least.'' you said between heavy breathing to stop him from his complaining.

,,Wait was this a fucking kamikaze mission from you?'' Butcher had interrupted you and looked angrily at you now.When you couldn't think of another definition you noded slowly, truly scared by his look on you.

,,Fuck Y/N.Listen I'm bad at this but you mean at lot to me ,alright?You're the only thing someone could actually take away from me.I thought that you would know this by now.But you have to promise me now that you wont leave me.'' he said.

,,You sure?'' you asked with your weak voice due to your pain and uneasiness, when you saw how upset Butcher was right now.

,,You can count on that Love.Can I count on you?'' he asked.He had his arms spreaded out once more, now waiting for you to make your own decision.

The car with Frenchie and Kimiko stood right infront of you now.

,,Petite Y/N?'' said Frenchie looking out of the window, to ask if you guys needed help.

You looked again at Butcher who still waited for your answer, his eyes searched for any kind of way to show you how he felt right now.

Instead of accepting his help to lift you up, you fell around his neck to accept his words.Once Butcher had realized that he burried his face in your neck to have you even closer to him.Both of you held each, savouring the moment, instead of apologizing for your stupidness.

,,Come on Love.Let's get you home.'' said Butcher and stood up with you from the ground, gining this word a new meaning for you.