#and he got super excited since he has a reputation for being incapable of shutting up so someone willing coming up to him came as a shock

[arolesbianism]

I recently decided to semi revive some of my crusty dusty splatoon ocs from when I was like 12, so here’s all of the goobers! Meet Cherry (she/her), Slosh (he/they), Egg (they/them), and Blast (she/they)

[defendglobe]

today was really awful and im sorry to whine but i have no one else to tell so

alrighty so like. my school has this gay straight alliance group. or rather a group for gay students and a separate group for activism. its absolutely miniscule atm. like literally there are three of us gays in this hellhole.

since the older members left at the end of last year, myself and another guy got kinda forced into running it because there’s no one else and the school wants it to be student led. 

which i mean. yeah thats fair. its safer for the students if the profs and others dont know who is there and all that. but on the other hand like. they give us no support and no budget so when people graduate it falls apart and forces responsibility on kids who have far too much to deal with already. to me, it feels like a copout. like OHHH THIS IS STUDENT LED IT’S NOT US DOING THAT GAY SHIT you feel me?? 

anyway so today we had a planning meeting for the activism group thing and let me fucking tell you. it was. B A D. it was me and that one guy as well as four staff members who are helping us with the activism part. 

in one of the gay student group meetings the three of us talked about having our school’s gsa represented in the city pride parade next summer because apparently like every fucking university in the city does that. we were all super excited about that idea so we brought it up to the staff. 

IMMEDIATELY the one guy goes oh NO NO NO WE ARE NOT GONNA DO THAT NO WAY ABSOLUTELY NOT. his reasoning? the school isn’t ready for something like that. 

“not ready” my fucking ass hole!! its infuriating. the lgbt population of my school BADLY wants this to happen but we get shut down because the straight majority isn’t ready to handle it. why the fuck should the majority get to decide whether or not the community is ready to talk about minority issues?? they shouldn’t, obviously!!! it’s just further silencing us. 

on a similar note my boss (both his kids are lgbt so he really gets this shit), the other kid, and me came up with an idea to do like a chapel talk where the one kid could talk about his story (and i volunteered to talk as well posing as an “ally”). my boss was super into it. that one got shut down too and you know why?? the one guy was worried that the campus minister guy would get backlash.

THAT’S who you’re worried about???? one of your students is going to put his whole fucking life out in the open in front of a potentially hostile audience and you’re worried about the MINISTRY COORDINATOR GUY??? A STRAIGHT WHITE CIS MALE????? UGHHHHHH!!!!!!! 

another staff member in the meeting is working on an event for lgbt alumni at my school and he wants it to be “a story of hope” showing the progress my school has made. BULL FUCKING SHIT MORE LIKE A STORY OF JACKING OURSELVES OFF OVER THE MEDIOCRE FUCKING PROGRESS OUR SCHOOL HAS MADE SELF CONGRATULATORY FOR NO REASON. 

one thing was clear with this meeting. this piece of shit school cares more about their reputation among wealthy conservative families to do the fucking right thing. but they talk a lot of shit about being welcoming and inclusive but its all fucking bullshit. they do fuck all to help us. leave us to fend for ourselves and shut down any fucking ideas we have out of worry about the school’s image. its performative allyship in the extreme. they dont give a rats ass about the students who are suffering in this unending homophobic and transphobic hell. they just want to look good. 

to make matters worse??? one of the people in that group who shut us down like that?? hes like a super close family friend. basically surrogate family for us since our biological family is so far away and we can never visit them. even to someone like that who has known me since i was ten years old, im not fucking worth fighting for. i feel so goddamn betrayed lol!!!!!!! 

the one fucking staff member in that group who is actually legit gay hardly get to speak because of these cishet males waving their dicks around like OOH LOOK AT US WE’RE SO INCLUSIVE while doing nothing of substance. my boss hardly spoke either bc hes generally a quiet dude. just these two other guys taking over the conversation completely. 

but honestly the worst fucking thing of all of this?? my boss is leaving for a few months for some other library that had an urgent need for help or something. im so goddamn scared of this i dont even know what to do. hes the only fucking person with a godforsaken LGBT FRIENDLY SPACE!!! rainbow sticker on his door that would have any idea how to fucking deal with a gay kid in a crisis. i cant talk to anyone else because they all turn it into a fucking abstract academic circle jerk and forget that there are ACTUAL GAY STUDENTS AT THIS PLACE WHO ARE DESPERATELY LONELY AND WAITING FOR YOU TO DO SOMETHING TO HELP. he was the only one in that group actually PLANNING to do anything concrete so i can guarantee any movement is going to stop completely and i dont know if i can fucking endure it!!!

honestly?? i should not exist. all i am is a problem that other people have to fucking deal with. no one is willing to fucking help me. why should they??? im fucking useless. i dont do anything, i have no motivation, no talent, no friends, no future. i dont fucking belong in this world honestly!! im a fucking disgusting freak who fucking fell back into self harm again for the first time in a few months and im so fucking angry at myself. what the hell is wrong with me. why cant i be normal. haha! i dont deserve happiness! im fucking incapable of happiness! because i had to be  born as this USELESS UGLY GROSS PIECE OF SHIT WHO DOES NOTHING BUT WEIGH EVERYONE DOWN AND CAUSE PROBLEMS LOL. 

if there was a fail safe way for me to die instantly i can guarantee you i’d take it. fear of failure (the humilation of not even being able to fucking kill myself right lol) is the only thing holding me back. im at the end of my fucking rope. i have no one and nothing and nothing to lose.