#and i still fight bad habits because id rather be a genuine good person than just fake it in order to feel comfortable with myself

[oureuphoria]

Worst of You - JJK 07

You meet him under horrible circumstances but everything feels perfect when you’re with him. Too bad you have a bitch of a best friend, anxiety and an inability to learn from your mistakes which cripples your chances to be with the man of your literal dreams. He, however, is a police officer with years worth of built-up turmoil and an inability to make attachments. Or “I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong.” “Cool, I’ll let everyone know you’re moving in then.”

Genre: fluff, angst, comedy

Pairing: officer!jungkook X  collegestudent!reader

Word count: 3k

Note: I’m uploading TWICE tonight because I love you and I love writing and I love Jungkook.

| 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 | 10 | 11 | 

Much to your dismay, Jungkook had started passively ignoring you. All your messages were either ignored or replied to with ‘busy’ 3 hours after he read them. Your calls when straight to voicemail and whenever you tried to arrange something he’d cancel. You knew his job was demanding but you couldn’t understand why he had no time in the past 10 days to message you back at all. Hell, you were sure he had Sundays off so when Sunday eventually came, you were positive he was avoiding you and you planned to get to the bottom of it. 

It was a Wednesday and a full week since you had failed your Dorm inspection. Your room was spotless and you kept the commons room clean however, Alex’s room was a complete mess and they found weed in her possession. She was given a 14-day notice of eviction and while you disliked her, you still felt bad. She assured you that she had family nearby and that she wasn’t planning on staying anyway. The fact that Alex couldn’t careless pushed you not to care either. 

For a short, blissful moment, you had believed that you would be peacefully alone, but someone was already arranged to take her spot and you needed to prepare yourself for the awkward tension of living with a stranger. You didn’t have time to dwell over your living arrangements, you had high schoolers to tutor. That day, the tutoring session you had ran longer than usual, 45 minutes over to be specific. You never charged overtime because you weren’t a monster but you certainly didn’t appreciate it and when the session was finally over, the overwhelming sense of relief had engulfed you.

Fighting through your tiredness, you decided against going home so you could visit Jungkook instead. You thought he wouldn’t be able to ignore you in person and boy were you wrong. When you had first approached the reception desk, you were surprised to see a younger lady, one with a much nicer smile. At first, that made you glad, the other lady, albeit efficient at her job, was standoffish and blatantly rude. However, you would soon regret every trusting that deceptively sweet smile of hers.

“How can I help you?” “Hi, I’m here to see Jungkook?” You ignored her coy smile and the way she rolled her eyes. Maybe she was having a bad day and deserved the benefit of the doubt. “What’s your name?” You stuttered when you said it which was embarrassing enough but then she called him and rather loudly stated that ‘one of your hookups was here to see you’ and when she had said your name, she let out a chuckle at his reaction. “He said he’s busy and just a piece of advice from my personal experience, if he didn’t call you back then he’s really not interested.” You’ve always been good at having a poker face although it proved useless in moments where you were severely upset and this was bordering on becoming one. However, you pushed back whatever tears were threatening to fall and gave her a curt smile. “Noted.” 

When you were finally at your dorm, you couldn’t even sleep. Instead you doodled Pokemon characters in your books and try to make sense of all that had happened. Maybe he wasn’t into you. You were emotional the day that he had confessed, maybe he just pitied you and wanted to spare the pain of rejection. You let out a frustrated sigh as you angrily crushed the paper you were drawing on, aiming it directly into your bin. 

From then on you didn’t message, call or visit Jungkook at all until Saturday night. You remember him telling you that he normally had Saturday nights off unless there was an emergency, most of the cases on those nights were just drunk brawls and people who had too much to drink. The phone rang for a bit before it abruptly stopped indicating that he had hung up on you. You told yourself that was it, the last chance you’d give him. If he wanted to talk to you, he would and evidently, he didn’t. However, forgetting about him was easier said then done which was why you found yourself walking through central park at 8pm in October.

You didn’t do much, just wandered around and stared at ducks which were rather displeased with your lack of bread. You went to a street vendor for a pretzel that was far too overpriced but you didn’t seem to care, happy enough that you had something warm in your hands. You even tried to befriend a small bird but it turned out that it just cared about your pretzel and your so-called ‘friend’ flew away the moment you had finished it. 

Realising you hadn’t checked your phone in a while, you fished it out of your pocket while seated on a park bench and much to your distaste, you had 2 missed calls from the last person you wanted to speak to. 

Jungkook was genuinely busy, that much was true, but even in the moments that he wasn’t, he couldn’t bring himself to reply to you. He grew so accustomed to worrying about no one else but himself that communicating constantly slipped his mind. He wasn’t the best replier and whenever he’d remind himself to call you back, it’d be too late in the night for you to pick up. He wasn’t good at this, he never knew what to say and once you stopped talking to him altogether he felt guilty because his first reaction was relief. He truly was an asshole and you deserved so much better which was why Jungkook had decided to let you go.

Saturday nights were usually reserved for Jungkook’s close circle of friends and their drinking habits. Jungkook normally went home with a girl and this time was no exception, in fact, he desperately needed the distraction. However, mid-way through his conversation with some random girl he had hoped to take home, you rang and he stared at his phone for a moment before hanging up. The moment his finger hit decline, he could feel guilt and regret consume him. 

You hadn’t actually meant to call Jungkook. You had meant to call back Jimin since it was awfully peculiar of him to call you at 11pm (or ever?) for no foreseeable reason but your finger had slipped and you called the person right under Jimin’s contact. Since Jungkook was the last person you called, you called Jungkook and you didn’t even notice until he picked up. You were confused at the voice which was obviously not Jimin’s so you quickly checked the caller ID only to realise it was the man who ghosted you for 2 weeks. 

Jungkook was half-naked and making out with the same girl on his bed when you called again. He forgot to put his phone on silent so the ringing persisted quite loudly. He tried to ignore it but it droned on for a bit. “Just pick it up, I’m not going anywhere.” She gave him a suggestive wink while he apologised and grabbed his phone, walking to the bathroom. “What’s up?” He breathed out in a tone that was evidently annoyed and there was a pause before you replied. “Nothing much, nice to hear from you again.” Your tone was painfully sarcastic and all Jungkook could do was sigh before replying. “Now isn’t a good time Y/N.” “It’s the only time though, right? Since you only pick up the phone once every 14 days.” 

The line went quiet for a bit which allowed you to hear a female voice in the background asking if everything was okay. You weren’t stupid, you got the hint and so you scoffed and hung up. When Jungkook checked his phone again to see that you’d hung up, he ran his hands over his face and resisted the urge to pull his hair out. He hurt you and it was in that brief moment of extreme guilt that Jungkook had realised he regretted every pushing you away. The deed was done though, so he left the bathroom and shook off his guilt. “Sorry, where were we?”

Despite your blood boiling and your fractured heart, you called Jimin back, properly this time. “Hey, Jimin what’s up?” “Hey, it’s an emergency. I need you to tutor me and I-” “No.” And with that you hung up, Jimin was the last person you wanted to spend time with and the last person you owed a favour too.

__________________

It had been 2 weeks since you had last seen Jungkook and your birthday was in 6 days. You weren’t sure how you were going to celebrate it or if you even wanted to at all. You cleared your lessons for that day because you didn’t really feel like spending your 21st birthday with annoying high schoolers. You were still fairly upset about what happened with Jungkook. For the first time, someone showed a genuine interest in you as a person and it turned out to be a complete bust. You were undeniably heartbroken and Jimin surely didn’t fix it.

“Damn, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” You made a sound of disgust when Jimin interrupted your once peaceful lunch. “I don’t think Alex would approve of this.” A bald faced lie, after all Alex didn’t give a shit what you did. “I don’t think she cares about me enough to approve or disapprove.” “She cried for hours when you broke up, I think she cares.” “Why would she care, she cheated on me.” Your face was tangled in confusion although it sounded like something Alex would do. What you couldn’t understand was why Alex had spread a rumour that Jimin cheated on her. “Why did you let her spread that rumour about you then?” Jimin looked at you, clearly not willing to answer but your curious gaze was undeterred so Jimin continued anyway. “If a girl cheats, she’s labeled the campus slut. If a guy cheats, he just gets praised for it. You see where I’m going here?” You smiled at the realisation that Jimin could be genuinely nice when he wanted to be. What a shocking concept. “And they say chivalry is dead.” Jimin jokingly punched your arm.

“Now, to the point, as you may already know, I’m on the verge of failing Peterson’s class and I desperately need your guidance.” You looked at him weirdly, you tutored high school kids, not students in your classes. “I really can’t help you, sorry,” Jimin whined before grabbing your arm and shaking it like a child. “Pretty please, I need to do well in this class otherwise I have to repeat it and get set a whole semester behind.” “You could just do the class during the Summer.” “Oh Y/N, you’re so funny, I don’t do Summer school, it’s not my thing.” “Maybe it should be?” “Look, I’m begging you, I need your help." You cursed yourself for your extreme sympathy because you resolve was surely wavering. “I can’t tutor you but, you can study with me and I’ll help you out.” Jimin smiled, hugging you in a painfully tight embrace. “Who would’ve thought we’d be study buddies, huh?” Your unimpressed face gave Jimin the impression that you didn’t enjoy his attempt at humour so he immediately shut up.

From that point forward, you and Jimin had unexpectedly spent a lot of time together. He was similar to Alex, only genuinely nice when they chose to be and it was soon obvious why they didn’t work out. They were too alike. In the week leading up to your birthday, you had spent a good portion of your time with Jimin. Albeit most of the time was spent revising, you had actually grown to enjoy his company and truly consider him a friend. 

Unfortunately, the morning of your birthday was a rather anti-climactic one. You didn’t feel any different than your 20-year-old self and you didn’t have any plans for the day. Except one. It was a Saturday and your new roommate was set to move in this Monday which was why you decided that you would get absolutely shit-faced on your birthday. You’d never had alcohol before, never even entered a club and you were excited to explore these things despite the fact that you hate crowded places and bitter things. It was the socially accepted protocol to get drunk on your 21st birthday and who were you to stray from tradition? 

There was a knock on your door which you responded to hesitantly. You knew it would be Jimin since you had buzzed him in but you were dreading the awkward ‘happy birthday’ interaction. “Happy Birthday, kiddo.” You let him in but kicked his shin as he stepped inside, you still hated when he called you that. “Thank you.” You were genuinely thankful in spite of your dreadful tone. It had been a long, hard week and you were simply glad it was over. 

Since Jimin had been part of your ‘friend’ group since 7th grade, he came to every single one of your birthday parties. You threw a party every year as advised by Alex and ebbed though you hated them, they always seemed to make your friends happy. Alex liked to pretend that she was being nice by helping you out but everyone just wanted an excuse to have fun. No one really bought you gifts and people barely even knew the party was for you. And like clockwork, every year, Jimin would be invited to your party and every year, he ignored you. But not this one. 

“I’m going to make up every birthday I’ve ever ruined today.” You giggled a bit out of disbelief, taking the gift that he had brought for you from his hand. “Honestly I don’t mind, I forgot about it.” You didn’t but you weren’t one to hold grudges. At least not for long. “Nope, you are going to have the best 21st birthday in the history of 21st birthdays and then you’re going to forgive me for all the bad things I’ve done and we’re going to be best friends.” You laughed even harder at his monologue, till you realised he was being serious. “Oh wow, you’re actually serious, okay.”

Jimin made you open the large gift box he got you and inside was a short, black dress that you would’ve mistaken for a skirt if not for the lacy sleeves and open back. “Jimin, thank you, it’s a gorgeous dress but you can’t seriously expect me to wear this.” He looked at you with pleading eyes. “I can’t go into the club tonight with a girl who looks like she came out of a Disney production.” You hit Jimin’s head with the box lid. “Fine, I’ll wear the stupid dress as long as you don’t complain when you have to take care of me!” He waved you off and left, assuring you he’d be back at 7pm. 

Jimin came 30 minutes early and helped you with your makeup. Your range was fairly limited since you usually kept things naturally and Jimin didn’t appreciate it. “And you call yourself a lady. Disgraceful.” Jimin also tried to make you wear your hair down but you refused consistently for at least 10 minutes before he gave in. Having your hair down was something you reserved for when you were alone. You just felt more comfortable with it up. 

You convinced Jimin to let you wear a long coat because it was cold outside and you were walking but he made you promise you’d take it off once you got into the club which was a fair condition. However, when you had seen the line you presumed you’d never make it in anyway. Jimin grabbed your hand and waltzed straight to the doors where they immediately greeted him and let him in, no questions asked. They stopped you for an ID check though to which you gladly complied and the bouncer wished you an insincere happy birthday which made you far happier than it should’ve.

When you got in Jimin pulled at your coat which you reluctantly let go of and handed it to the waiters waiting in the foyer. You’d never been to a club before but your imagination couldn’t even fathom this. It was huge. There were hundreds of people and you could feel your anxiety increasing at a riveting pace. “I want to go home.” “Not until you’re completely wasted, let’s go.” Jimin takes you straight to the bar where you both sit, you start to spin yourself on the stool childishly before Jimin abruptly stopped you, scolding you a little as if you were 10.

The bartender was busy taking a group’s order and it took a couple of glances before you realised the group was the NYPD and Jungkook was right there. “Jimin. Jimin. Jimin. Jimin.” You were smacking his arm to get his attention off the menu boards and onto you. “What, child?” You told Jimin about Jungkook during one of the earlier study periods and Jimin was convinced he was actually secretly in love with you but didn’t want to put you in danger which is why he let you go. You laughed a lot at his barbaric fantasy. 

“Look, there’s Jungkook, the one in the white dress shirt.” Jimin skimmed the group and suddenly realised why you were so sure he was out of your league. He was out of everyone’s league. Broad chest and chiseled jaw. The man had an intimidating aura that was balanced out by his softer features like his eyes and lips. Jimin was amazed and he didn’t bother hiding it. “Damn, if I looked like him I’d never let myself get tied down either.” You elbowed his side, pouting angrily. “What Y/N? He’s built like a god, I’m not going to deny it.” “I know. He’s so annoyingly handsome.” Jimin hummed in agreement and after, he looked at you with a devious smile. One that usually signified trouble. “What are you plotting now, Jimin?” He smiled before bringing you closer and speaking at a more hushed tone. “Okay, we’re going to make him jealous and I’m going to prove my theory.” You shook your head rapidly.

“No, absolutely not, it won’t even work.” Jimin grabbed you by the shoulder, staring deeply into your soul. “This is your one and only chance at love you lonely child. You have to take it. If it works you owe me big time.” You cringed at his words. You’d never admit it but a part of you wanted to make him jealous, to throw a big ‘fuck you’ his way after what had happened. But you couldn’t, you didn’t want to hurt him no matter how much he’d hurt you. 

“No, but I do want one of those yellow drinks they’re so cute.” You pointed at a drink which a girl a couple seats away was drinking. “That’s way too strong and I have a feeling your alcohol tolerance is absolutely horrible.” You glared at him for a bit before beckoning the bartender. “Could I get one of those please?” She nodded dutifully with a kind smile and you stuck your tongue out at the rather shocked Jimin. 

Your drink came with fruit and you were excited about how cute it looked. “Ugh, Y/N let’s go dance.” Jimin groaned while simultaneously trying to drag your body away from the bar. “But I just got this drink. Go ahead I’ll join you when I’m done.” That was a lie. You never dance and you didn’t feel like starting. You had been infatuated with your drink despite it tasting quite bitter, it wasn’t something you couldn’t grow to like and so you continued sipping it slowly. With all of your attention fixated with the drink, it would’ve been impossible to notice Jungkook’s curious eyes. 

[og-danny-dorito]

Hannibal Lecter Headcanons

(my gay ass over here thirsting over a godamned cannibal, why did god create this walking disaster of horniness and unbridled depression)

S F W :

- as you may know, Hannibal Lecter is a man no short of expectations, a walking spectacle of perfection itself on the surface but a complicated being underneath to test the limits of what a monster really means

- he smokes

- while he's not an avid chain smoker he does do it every once in a while, like after killing someone who was particularly difficult or pondering something that requires deep thought

- he understands if you don't smoke or don't want to have him smoking around you, he'd rather be polite than give into whatever desire he's feeling. he can't stand the shitty ones though, they're just nasty

- he's had a lot of lovers in his life, but he only remembers vividly the few that did not try to change some of his habits out of fear

- he doesn't feel much emotion at all, but that doesn't mean he doesn't feel

- although he may not admit it, he wants to be accepted by whoever he cares for over all else. this can tie back to his sister, although he barely feels it since when he was a very young man, not long after her death. he'd rather feel needed, wanted really. but this is only felt in certain moments, such as sitting in silence in a room with someone or watching their movements as they do basic actions that's can entail deeper meanings

- he's very, very good at body language and how to interpret it (obviously) and how to deal with social situations

- as a physiologist he's seen a lot of different mental cases, states of mind, viewpoints, problems, etc. and so being in a relationship with someone who might have something along those lines is literally not a problem (i mean he technically fell in love with will so-)

- I mean it's his job, so he knows how to calm down someone having a panic attack in no time, but if it'ssomeone closer to him he may have a moment of concern before dealing with it accordingly

- feelings aren't exactly something he's used to, for the most part so it'll freak him out a little if he finds himself caring for someone fairly easily. of course he still feels, it's just not as intense as it used to be. it's partially why he “slips” easily when there's a particular event with someone he genuinely cares about, leaving him in a slightly shocked state of acting upon instinct before treating it like anything else

- he's very self controlled, both physically and mentally

- I headcanon that when he was a teenager/young adult (watch Hannibal Rising to get what I mean) he was much less in control of what he felt in that moment. for instance, crying when Lady Murasaki told him to forgive the men he was intending to kill. it must've hurt to have someone so close to him be so disgusted with him like that

- this can also mean that he only feels afflicted emotionally by those he's very close to. lovers not really, but people he considers as those he needs to be up to a particular standard to outside of the realm of decency? it hurts when you look at him like you're scared of him, dissaproving of what he's doing as if you're negating his efforts

- he cares about you, only you

- seriously, there's not much he genuinely cares about enough to want to keep safe for all eternity, but you're his everything. you're not just some fucktoy, you're a person, a mind, and he wants to control and watch you tick like a clock he intends to take apart and rebuild. seriously, he just wants you to love him as much as he loves you

- it's very likely that you were kidnapped against your will

- he doesn't want a partner he can control, or minipulate easily without a serious challenge. he's not much of a sadist, but he'd like to see you strain under whatever kindof inflictions he's dealing mentally. he wants to see you resist, try to fight back. it's no time any fun to dissect something that's fragile and weak

- like Michael Myers (Aka: 100% That Bitch) he wants someone strong and full of courage, someone he can see fighting for the innocent or fighting to protect something till the end of the line. your courage is what really gets to him, the fact that you won't let anyone run over you regardless of who they are

- your fighting spirit also gets him just a little bit exited when you talk back to him or snap at him when he's angry with you just an fyi

- anyway back to the less horny shit

- this may seem off topic but do you remember when deadpool’s creator said he was “pansexual” by giving a really bad definition for it and lowkey seeming kindof ignorant on what being pansexual is?

- Hannibal is sort of like that pansexual, but think of him as only liking someone when it's convenient. usually he only pretends to be romantically interested in someone because it gains him the upper hand, both males and females, but down to his core he's probably not capable of falling in love with someone unless he seriously, genuinely means it. so far this has only been males and females (cough cough lady murasaki, will graham, etc. cough cough)

- for him to genuinely love someone you need to first love him platonically, actually giving off the feeling of really caring for his wellbeing, even if he does eat people. unless he doesn't really like you prior to having you love him, he'll end up finding himself drawn to you

- it's very rare that he'll love someone first, but in the instance he does it'll probably end in a Stockholm Syndrome sort of thing where you end up loving him eventually. it's kindof dogmatic, but I mean that's just how it is. he's an intelligent psychopath with an understand of humans’ brain patterns. do you really not expect him to use that to his advantage?

- if you do expect it tho and you're still into that then you may just be a horny bastard dude idk what to tell u

- phsycially id suspect that he'd want someone who physically is weaker than him. it's a reminder of sorts, that he still has power over you no matter what. if you're shorter he's definitely into that too but this doesn't mean he isn't into beefcakes

- tbh, he kindof likes a rugged sort of look on someone. while he does like to feel powerful, he also enjoys being able to have a worthy opponent. scars are also fascinating to him. to him it's almost like art, precious and unique in their own way. plus, he himself said they were reminders of the past, so they must have good stories attached to them

- oOO ppl in suits are nice too. like godam dude if you walk up wearing a nice suit looking all clean cut n shit there's a 100% chance you're getting rawed before you can even walk out the door

- in his free time, he'd rather spend time with you above all else. simply having you in the room is nice for him, regardless of how busy he is. if he's working he'd prefer you on his lap or sitting right next to him

- physical affection is something he's actually pretty damn good with, considering his hand is almost always on you. you can think of this as one of his Jedi mind tricks to let you know you're his, but he's kindof shy about it in public the first time

- but his shyness changes once he sees that if his hand isn't directly on you people...gawk at you. and he HATES that

- you'll feel a sudden hand fly to your waist, pulling you closer as he seems not to even register what he's doing. you squeak

- “h-hey! What was that for?”

- “Should I have asked permission first, or do you like the roughness?”

- “Is this because that guy was looking at me too much?”

- “...are you implying that I'm jealous?”

- “Oh my god-”

- yeah, he’ll deny it when asked if he's being jealous, but he is. he's very, very jealous and very very possessive. of course he's already pretty well composed, and he's a master at hiding his facial expressions, but that doesn't mean he won't quirk a brow or exhale slowly if you're being provoked in any way shape or form. expect the person who was annoying you to be gone. but don't worry about their suspicious dissapearence, instead sit down and have dinner! he's serving a nice pot pie with some Brussels sprouts and whatever other side dish you want! where'd the meat come from? that's not important, just relax

- he's sure he made the person more exquisite now that you actually enjoy them without having to talk to them

- oh! he obviously does most of the cooking, but if you can cook he's definitely up to critique and give you advice. of course you can only use his cuts of meat, and he'd much rather help you with cooking than let you do all the work. domestically he's the perfect partner since he's already fairly good at living on his own, and prefers to take care of others rather than get taken care of

- idealy he'd like to go out to a nice place to eat for a date, or just spending some time alone with you in front of the fire is fine with him. as long as you're near him. he dislikes places where there's too many people or just not a good area of town to be in in the first place, but honestly he's always been inclined to things that reek of upper class or fancy themes

- he loves to spoil you too, buying you nice things or nice clothes and making you wear them almost all the time. he doesn't really expect anything in return, but if you can't figure out a gift that's within your paycheck you can always make him something or pay him in - EHEM - other ways (you know what I mean ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) )

- although it's kindof sad, he's got a lot of ptsd from when he was a child. of course he's not open to talking about it, but just staying with him when he has a nightmare or placing your hands on his waist when he's in that state will calm him down in no time, although it's very rare 

- he'd never hurt you, but he can grow a bit distant at times when he's particularly angry. if your relationship is more manipulative, he might resort to mental abuse as a way to keep you in line. but it's unlikely you'll even be living for very long if that's what your relationship is

- hannibal’s a man of few words, so he may not say I love you very often. he means it though when he does, although it's hard to get out the first time

- he's a one of a kind lover outside of the whole killing people thing, so once you actually get used to his cannibalistic ways and meet all his standards so as not to hurt you, expect to be treated like a queen/king that even outshines the greatest nobles. you are his, and it will take divine intervention from Satan himself to keep you apart as far as he's concerned

[sundried-tomatoes24]

Yearly self review

I think I’ve come a long way since around this time last year honestly. And I don’t say that to seem like I’m ignoring my symptoms now, because I still exhibit rather questioning traits frequently, but I’m recognizing them more now and am able to actively resist them. For example, this time last year I’d begun to obsess over people for the first time rather than activities so I was a bit unprepared for the entire situation and handled it very horribly. I poured myself into an act, a person, and a toxic situation that I recognize now was very unhealthy for me and was the bulk of why I relapsed. In no way am I blaming the person I used as a distraction for my problems—because while another situation began when I broke away from my dependency upon them, I was intially in the wrong and I see that—but instead I’m now actively trying to correct my obsessive behaviour and emotional distress so I can avoid another last year. I think last year was, in a way, an excellent learning experience because I walked away with the experience of that sort of situation and I recognize that I was eventually able to break the unhealthy patterns, which I am oddly proud of.

In terms of physical SH, I have not deliberately harmed in 21 days, which is the standing record for me since my relapse and I hope to continue my progress through this. I say deliberate because while I do feel better from my lack of SH, my impulsivity, intrusive thoughts, and insomnia has worsened yet I have not done as much as needed to address that. My impulsivness has driven me to do some unfortunate things that swing back at me as equally or more sharp than the initial distress. As my insomnia and impulsivity worsens, my level of attention and focus as well as executive functions and decision making skills trail down with it. I know that in the coming months getting more sleep as well as balancing my regulated activities with those which help to ease my rush hour brain and restlessness. I know that I need to eat more regularly rather than in short bursts or none at all. I am actively trying to reach out and socialize more instead of bottling and releasing my frustration and confusion in small bursts. I hope to improve the relationship between my mother and I, and I hope that will lead to a decrease in my unease around opening up to people.

While there are concerningly large gaps in my bullet journal, it is now only days between them and not weeks or months at my worst. The journaling thing has helped a bit because I am able to see my thought process on paper (which I can say takes a lot of space and a lot of ink) and I’m able to see when I’m acting irrational or out of line, which has helped a lot the past few weeks. The habit tracking addition is very good because I’ve altered it slightly so that it’s colour coded and on a severity scale so that if I look back to check to see what my internal processing was like during a bad month vs a good one then I am able to see which areas I need to address more. This is good because my mind without a distinct direction wanders frighteningly easily and this allows me to direct energy where it needs to be so that the excess can be used for essential things like schoolwork.

In conclusion, I think I am doing much better than last year because I wasn’t able to confront a number of things I am now. The communication between myself and my mother has improved a bit but I would still like to continue to get better with her. The possibility of professional help has been offered now and although it’s not needed as desperately as before I would still like to try it to avoid another relapse. My stress load has been lightened (some of which was beyond my control and as much as I detest the memory, much of it worked out in the long run) and a result has been a more upbeat Mak with more stable emotions. My dependency on people now has lessened compared to last year which is a huge relief given the amount of trouble I got into because of it. I am feeling more genuinely happy than last year and not on the brink of a breakdown. I have looked back into my journal to try and find out more about last year because I don’t remember much of it, and I’d written multiple times that Id felt very happy and relieved (typically after interaction with my obsession and relief from the distraction they’d given me). This happiness feels more real and not formulated like last years which is a huge step for me after the years of obsessive patterns, numbness and chronic frustration. I am actually able to enjoy myself now (I have. It been able to successfully entertain myself in my isolation since about 4th grade so this is actually pretty good for me) without an individual thing or person filling my head without control now (that is without counting situations involving hyperfixations) and if I do begin to feel those thoughts I know now to push them out instead of indulging them. Although I am currently fighting the obsession game again, i am able to recognize my healthy behaviour from unhealthy but am still struggling to find how to address it now that i know it’s there. I am determined not to fall into another relapse because I cannot put that on my friends, family, or myself again. I know that my mental health will always be something I struggle with, but I know that whatever I can handle (even if only barely) can allow me to see other difficulties in a new light and can continue to grow from those experiences.

[s-nnyd]

3, 9, 12, 21, 24, 26, 33, 48, 56, 57, 73, 92 (I’m totally not gonna beat em up), 110, 111, 112, 127, 135, 144 :P

3. WHO ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING?

being honest, im excited to see mrs q and mrs y when we do a meet up for lunch cause itll be like the first experience where we actually just chill and its out of a classroom setting and context so yea im hyped for that

9. DOES TALKING ABOUT SEX MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

lol no

12. WHAT ARE YOUR 5 FAVORITE SONGS RIGHT NOW?

oof mmmm 

1 Lose - Hannah Gill

2 Never Been in Love - Will Jay

3 Talking in Your Sleep - Will Jay

4 Sunflower - Rex Orange Country

5 We Don’t Need to Dance - Castelle

21. WHAT ARE YOU BAD HABITS?

oooo not sure if overthinking counts as a bad habit but if not id definitely say overeating but its been a long time in the process so im still working on breaking that

24. FAVORITE PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE?

sticking my feet in the pool and playing lofi hip hop 24/7 chill beats while i act like i could be someone’s object of affection and then laughing it off

26. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU WAKE UP?

roll onto my other side and then relish in how damn comfy i feel

33. SPELL YOUR NAME WITH YOUR CHIN.

i hate 

im on the computer so

sduijjuhyh

48. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN DRUNK?

nope there was one time i was at a party and i was really thirsty and there was a drink dispenser and i thought it was orange juice

it was not orange juice (i spit it out after cause i really was looking for something sweet at the time)

56. FAVOURITE COLOUR?

kinda specific but cerulean

57. FAVOURITE FOOD? 

soondubu or ramen for sure

73. DO YOU SLEEP WITH STUFFED ANIMALS?

mm i used but then i stopped cause i felt bad that i was squishing them

92. IN A FIGHT WITH SOMEONE?

currently? nah but if i count as someone then yea

110. HAVE YOU EVER LIKED SOMEONE SO MUCH IT HURT?

oof yeah i really reeeeaaallly liked them they meant a lot to me and they taught me a lot theyd smile and id melt theyd laugh at a dumb joke i made and it was like the world seemed a bit brighter their eyes were such a pretty color that i wondered how much depth and variation in color a pair of eyes could have hugs made me feel like i was safe and just hearing their voice could make me smile sometimes thered be banter some back and forth and a bit of flirting that i almost thought i was gonna die cause it knocked the breath out of me and knocked me off my feet i remember when i told them how i felt how scared i was i was so afraid of the response my heart was in my throat and everything felt so cold i could have just took the option and not told them but everything just felt like it was bubbling over and i needed to do something about it and when i told them i remember how much my heart felt like it was gonna give out every time i waited for their response and the tiny pauses here and there i remember having to wait until the next day cause they said they couldnt give me a proper response yet and when i woke up the next morning there was an absolute pit in my stomach and then i got a really long message from them saying all sorts of things and the pit in my stomach definitely went away but i cried so hard that day im pretty vocal when i cry not that loud but you can hear me but that time i really couldnt hold it in people walked by me as i cried it was really early in the morning so there werent that many people i went to school right after that and my eyes were red and swollen my dumb ass tried to play it cool and act like i usually did but the moment we hugged for a bit i started crying like an idiot and then i had to hide my face it was definitely a time but i couldnt have been luckier because they were really gentle in letting me down and it was definitely a learning experience for me like they really meant a lot to me and they still do and i truly enjoyed having feelings that whole time just a laugh and a smile was enough

111. DO YOU HAVE TRUST ISSUES?

yeah i think i do and its usually towards new people i dont really know how to actually make friends like im not entirely clear on how to initiate the first social interactions i get really wary of first interactions and end up being a dumbass think that the other person’s got ulterior motives i mean you’re not entirely a good person what makes you think someone else is but that sort of thinking im working on trying to change that 

112. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU CRIED IN FRONT OF?

cried in front of? i think it might have been ada

127. WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY?

when i try on some clothes and it fits well on me and it makes me look like me those moments when im with a good friend and were talking about where we were where we were and where well go when i get to make the person i like smile oh or when they laugh not like the laugh they give to the general public or the one they do when its just a regular laugh no i like it when i can make them laugh so genuinely so that it catches them off guard and it just bubbles out of them and out of their mouth and they close maybe one eye all the way cause theyre still trying to keep eye contact with you but its still just so funny to them and they just laugh with their whole body when the work that i make and produce is thoroughly well done enough so that im proud of it and others appreciate the work im doing and even are excited to show others when someone values my work for what its worth rather than what they want it to be worth cause thats what their wallet is telling them when i see content of my favorite character oh but my favorite is when someone i know has just overcome soemthing that had previously been making them so upset when they realize something that needed to be changed when they have character growth so astounding that they even realize it themselves

135. DUMBEST LIE YOU EVER TOLD?

“Nah, I don’t have a crush on you. Psh...wait what? You had a crush on me, too?”

144. DARK, MILK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE?

milk fuck dark is too bitter and white tastes so weird to me

[refiningspacetime]

>THE TRADITIONAL GAME OF ASH-CHICKEN (P1)

Hadean and Pheres have a long history of meddling with one another, starting when Hadean intervened with Pheres’s matesprit shortly after they first met - and rolling downhill ever since then in an ever-escalating war. Pheres’s solution to this? Meddle more intensively in Hadean’s life, until Hadean’s finally forced to admit that he can’t handle it and flees the scene entirely.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite turn out the way Pheres plans. It turns out that no one ever wins when it comes to games of ash chicken.

>CAST

invertedDissident | Hadean

refiningSpacetime | Pheres

gentleOssifrage | Kilran

JUNE 7TH: Kilran and Pheres have been growing increasingly aggressive at one another during the public chats. While Pheres's initial attempts to handle it involved rephrasing Kilran's aggression as pitch attempts - a conclusion cheerfully carried on by the chat - when it fails to dissuade Kilran's threats, he decides to take a different approach, and suggest they speak in private.

-gentleOssifrage [GO] began trolling refiningSpacetime [RS]-

GO: Really. You should just start paying attention to the chat so you can respond in time to actually deliver a blow. GO: It loses its effect if you do it an hour late and just embarrasses you. RS: / oh / do save your lectures / some of us actually have work to do / and are forced to talk in between it / RS: / what in the world is your problem with me / ? / if it is pitch / I should think I have made it clear / RS: / I am deeply uninterested / GO: Don't worry, I am too. RS: / thank the empress / GO: You're a horrible, terrible troll and your ideals are revolting and the fact that you go around and try to spread them is just GO: What's the term? GO: Something stronger than reprehensible. GO: Absolutely fucking disgusting. GO: For someone who's a lowblood, you're painfully fucking dimwitted and you're more willing to lick at the toes of people belittling you AND!! GO: And your friends!! GO: And you try to convince the people around you into doing the same. GO: Which, admittedly, everyone is free to feel how they like, but then here YOU are, vomiting up your rhetoric on everyone around you like anyone actually cares about what you say. RS: / haha / good heavens / just tell me how you really feel / GO: You're an ugly troglodyte who thinks he's SO MUCH BETTER and SMARTER than everyone when in fact!! All you do is spout information that ANYONE can find with a simple google search! Can you even DO anything besides from that and go around grovelling and trying to convince people to become the rightful lowblood servants that they should be?? RS: / you have so many feelings / I do feel bad for you / it is difficult to be brown / and harder still if you let your resentments fester / RS: / but all this sounds like you are unhappy / and instead of figuring out why / RS: / you are choosing to lash out at me / because I have the audacity to not / hate our society / hate the position I have been given / and / RS: / mm / hate myself / evidently / ? / that sounds tiring / haha / ! / RS: / but / here / I will apologise / RS: / I am sorry I am educated / RS: / I am sorry that Prisma and others seek my advice and input / RS: / I am sorry that I am not / oh / so incensed by our lot in life / that I am content to wallow in self pity and fear / RS: / rather than just bettering myself to avoid as much trouble as I can / RS: / I would say that I am sorry that I hurt your feelings by impugning your work / RS: / but / well / RS: / one must learn to take criticism eventually / RS: / =:) / GO: See, this is the kind of shit I'm talking about. You do realize that the whole 'oh yes, if they're picking on me, it just means they're jealous and/or fearful of how their life is ' is complete and total bullshit, right? You DO realize that or are you that dim? GO: Oh boo hoo, I'm so sad and afraid, I'm afraid of my life and I hate myself ohhh noooo =:( GO: Is that what you were hoping to hear? That I'll burst into tears? GO: That's pathetic. You're pathetic and two dimensional and stupid if this is the kind of shit you think you can say and STILL think that you're the coolest, oh most reasonable person to exist. GO: The more and more I hear about you and learn about you the more I realize you're just this horrible, hateful little grub that screams and cries and thinks he's the biggest and most moral troll around and THAT'S why he's better than every other lowblood. RS: / oh / forgive the terminology / I assure you / I am being entirely sincere when I say / this is adorable / RS: / whoever said that I think I'm better than anyone / ? / you are this marvelous fountain of accusations / and perhaps if they were accurate / I would be deeply injured / RS: / heavens / I might even feel bad / RS: / but they're all so mystifyingly inaccurate / and leave one wondering where you even got them / GO: Oh I see, so you're pulling THIS card? RS: / but I'd hate to make guesses / GO: Is this really the worst you can do, Pherry-berry? GO: Are you this fucking bad at talking to people that when someone confronts you like you WANTED them to (don't forget, you offered to DM me!), all you can do is pull the 'So are you, what am I?' and the 'You're so cute when you're angry' cards? RS: / I am afraid you're misconstruing this conversation / Kilran / RS: / this has been nothing but me asking a question / which you proceeded to answer with / GO: Should I go ahead and write down weak spined and completely fucking useless down on the reasons why I dislike you? RS: / / six lengthy paragraphs describing my every sin / RS: / I already said I'm not pitch for you / I am not looking to insult you / when you do a well enough job on your own / RS: / should I be arguing for my own good standing here / ? / RS: / or shall we wrap this / ? / I was trying to let you have your fill / get all of these /- feelings -/ off of your chest / RS: / so you can stop upsetting Prisma / by turning every conversation / into a poor attempt at a brawl / GO: You're going to end up a shitty, burnt-out-in-a-sweep battery and the world isn't going to lose a damned thing, you know that? Everything you do, everything you hoped to do, will mean less than the crinkled up wrapper of a cheap candy bar laying in the streets once you finally join your 'rightful place' in the fleets. GO: It's going to be a great future for you Pheres. Aren't you excited? RS: / mm / at least you're set / RS: / they still like using lowbloods as pails / even in the fleet / RS: / lucky you / you have cornered a universal market / =:) / RS: / you know / I have been curious / for someone so righteous about his intrinsic worth / RS: / do your customers have you change your blood / too / or do they find it more attractive to realise they're dealing with a brownblood / playing at being anything other than he really is / ? / RS: / because personally / that seems a little depressing to me / GO: You do realize you can take as many pot shots as you want at my job and I won't care, right? It doesn't bother me and it's just sad that you're going for the low hanging fruit. GO: And neither do I care about what my customers think of me. I'm not paying them for their opinions. They're paying me for what I can do for them. GO: Don't you know how business works? RS: / hahaha / like I said / you're adorable / RS: / it's like watching snack attack a shoe / good heavens / GO: Or should I mark down another reason as to why you're so reprehensible? The fact that you're so fucking terrible at holding your own in a situation like this that you're trying to ask the highly paid sex worker if they care about being a sex worker. GO: You're just RS: / I'll put the thought into genuinely upsetting you / at the point that you stop projecting every tragic thought in your head at me / like it is actually relevant or important / to this discussion or any other / GO: You're so stupid GO: Now I'm actually feeling bad. GO: Am I really sure whether or not you understand this conversation or your own words? I don't know. I can't answer that. RS: / hahaha / personally speaking / I got what I wanted from this conversation / I am very sorry that you didn't / RS: / good light / GO / have a wonderful evening / GO: Fuck you. -gentleOssifrage [GO] stopped trolling refiningSpacetime [RS]- AUG 21ST: Hadean begins getting aggressive with Malili in public: Pheres private messages him to make his disapproval known, in what is quickly becoming habit for the two of them. -- refiningSpacetime [RS] is now messaging invertedDissident [ID]! -- RS: / and what are you doing / ? / ID: eating pizza. RS: / riveting / don't you know that usually takes two hands / ? / RS: / perhaps you should try it / ID: nah. =:/ you just roll it up, tada. RS: RS: / you are supposed to use a fork and a knife / Hadean / ID: ID: what. RS: RS: / have you never seen anyone eat a slice of pizza before / ? / you just pick up the slice with a hand and eat it pheres. RS: / yes / well / let's not get off topic / RS: / what are you doing in the chat / ? / ID: dealing with a jerk. RS: / because lu is incapable / ? / ID: why would i leave it to lu? RS: / why would you take it upon yourself / ? / ID: because that's what i do? RS: / mmmm / RS: / i am personally just mystified as to why you think engaging in an aggressive verbal assault on an indigo / is such a marvelous use of your time / RS: / or / better put / as you said to me / just the other night / RS: / i don't see why you feel the need to lock horns with every prat who opens their mouth / ID: they started strutting around acting like a jerk first. they threw down the glove, i took it and started hitting them with it. =:/ RS: / so / if someone is being dreadful in public / RS: / it is perfectly acceptable to fight with them / ? / ID: when they're a highblood. =:) RS: / you're a marvelous hypocrite / RS: / I am certain this has been said before / RS: / but for the record / ID: yeah, maybe. RS: / don't say / maybe / RS: / that is something you ought to fix / Hadean / he is awful / but all you are doing is evidently leaving CA / to feel as if she needs to clean up this mess / RS: / while you coddle lowbloods being vicious to one another in the same breath / RS: // or / no / pardon me / RS: / while you aid lowbloods being vicious to one another / until it ceases serving whatever point it has to you / ID: i told tineol to not worry about it. ID: and i'm not coddling or aiding lu in to doing shit, lu is vicious all on her own. i didn't egg her on or anything, she's doing this all on her own. ID: so are you pulling up her info to give her a scolding too? or is it only unfair to target one troll when it's you being targeted. =:/ RS: / Lu does not intervene anytime someone goes after Kilran / or any of her friends / because it is only an issue if you are horrible / RS: / when you are above yellow / RS: / so / no / =:/ / ID: well don't worry, because they're gone now and everything is fine. RS: RS: / well / ! / if that's the case / what am I even doing here / ? / =:) / ID: =:/ ID: meddling. RS: / yes / well / I suppose that is a flaw on both of our ends / RS: / enjoy your pizza / Hadean / RS: / and get a fork / for heavens sake / -- refiningSpacetime is no longer messaging invertedDissident [ID]! -- ID has sent yumyum.png! He's stuffing half a slice of pizza in to his mouth. With his hand. -- invertedDissident [ID[ has stopped trolling refiningSpacetime [RS]!-- LOWBLOOD CHAT: AUG 24TH: Pheres enters the lowblood chat, seeking entertainment, and stumbles across Kilran, insistent on having a friendly "conversation". Things promptly begin to deteroriate. RS: / / alright / RS: / I am dreadfully bored / it is a tragedy / RS: / and this girl is not hurrying on her business / I think she is trying to intentionally spite me / haha / RS: / =:/ / RS: / what is everyone else up to / ? / RS: / or else / who wishes to give advice / on various inane matters / ? / RS: / i am certain i can dig up only the most mundane of materials for your persuasal / GO: What sort of matters? RS: / name a topic / i am sure i can generate a scenario to best challenge your expertise /(edited) GO: Oh, I suppose I can do that. GO: Hmm. GO: How about swordplay? GO: Since we were talking about swords the other night? RS: / i suppose we were / RS: / very well / ! / a fellow is entering a tourney with his moirail / in order to pursue a championship title / RS: / the rules of the competition state that the final two contestants / must duel each other / RS: / it is agreed that his moirail will lose her final match / in order to guarantee that he will win / RS: / and / as he is the newer contestant / their income from the bets will be significantly higher / RS: / she chooses to win instead / upon realising that a loss at this level / will drop her ranking nearly five points in total / RS: / who is correct / ? / GO: It sounds like a classic situation of failure to communicate. Shall we call them Moirail A and Moirail B? Moirail B should have talked to Moirail A when they realized it would have dropped their ranking so that they could, instead, work out which solution they desired the most - ranking or money. However, lacking that and playing upon the hypothetical that they do not talk and if they asked people to take sides: GO: Moirail A would have been in the right. GO: Moirail B knew exactly what a lose would have entailed and had already promised to lose. A promise between moirails is not one that should be broken easily, especially when the choice is between a large sum of cash that could be easily split and enjoyed by them both, and a rank that could have easily been re-earned - although one could say that about the money as well, could they? GO: Regardless, a promise between moirails should never be broken, only renegotiated. RS: / well / you certainly put a great deal of thought into that / didn't you / ? / GO: No, I knew my answer the moment I read it. RS: / haha / well / good / ! / it'd be a little worrying if you didn't / =:) / RS: / i was trying for inane / not difficult / RS: / mm / I'd do another / RS: / but I expect that would get rather tedious / RS: / on second thought / RS: / how are you tonight / ? / GO: Very well, thank you. GO: I'm packing. GO: And you, Pheres? RS: / oh /? / where to / ? / GO: Saahin. GO: I'm meeting up with Prisma tomorrow. RS: / really / ? / GO: Yes, really. GO: I've cleared out my work schedule for at least the next week so I can spend some time with him. RS: / heavens / everyone's meeting up with him tomorrow / maybe I ought've waited / and scheduled my visit for then / =:) / RS: / haha / my / how kind of you / GO: Haha, perhaps you should have! We all could have gone out for a date. GO: I would have loved to meet you in person. RS: / mm / i am afraid i am not especially keen of meeting strangers off of the internet / RS: / sipara has always advised me that's rather unseemly / RS: / but / =:) / what a lovely thought /(edited) GO: Oh? Is that so? GO: What a shame. GO: I'm so very sorry to hear that Pheres. GO: If it will help you feel less left out, I'm sure I can keep in touch with you while we're out together? RS: RS: / haha / my / what / ? / RS: / i'm afraid you've lost me there / RS: / completely / GO: I'm... afraid I don't understand what you're saying? RS: / whyever would i feel left out / ? / GO: You talked about waiting to schedule your visit while everyone was visiting. I was simply attempting to extend a friendly hand to let you follow along the events as they happened, almost as though you were there. RS: / that was a jest / =:) / my apologies / i am aware it is sometimes difficult to read tone over the internet / for some / RS: / i do not think a date lends itself to additional company / unfortunately / ! / GO: You are correct. It is difficult. GO: And if you say so. RS: / unless it's a double date / i suppose / RS: / those are always charming / RS: / hadean's visiting as well / the two of you could always pair up pitch for a day / ? / =:) / GO: Do you think so? GO: I never thought the two of us could flip that way. GO: We do like each other after all, as friends. GO: Perhaps I should ask him if he thought we were ever pitch material?(edited) GO: I've never seen it. RS: / haha / my / it doesn't have to be Hadean / prisma does have other friends as well / RS: / why / you could go with / mm / what is her name / ? / RS: / batzra / ? / GO: Perhaps you're right. She seems kind. RS: / you seem rather more to her tastes / now that i think about it / RS: / she's very / eloquent / GO: I would indeed love to meet up with her and talk. GO: She is indeed. GO: You have very good advice, Pheres. Perhaps I should ask her out on a date. RS: / you're so very excitable tonight / RS: / it's only an off-hand suggestion / kilran / there is no need to go planning a hand-fasting / before you've even met up with her in person / =:) / RS: / that / too / by the way / is a jest / GO: Oh, of course. I never thought to jump into things so quickly. No, I'm afraid I do like to spend a lot of time getting to know my partners before I decide to quad with them. GO: After all, that is how you lay the foundation for a long and frankly stable relationship. ID: and here we see the unstoppably backhanded force meeting an immovably cheerful object. GO: What a shame would it be if we quadded and we broke up after only a perigree together? That would be awful. ID: fascinating. GO: Oh, hello Hadean. RS: / hadean / ! / GO: Hadean, did you ever consider us going on a pitch date? Pheres thinks we should try a blind date together. GO: Well, 'blind.' GO: Just for a day. RS: / kilran is apparently giddy with anticipation / RS: / if i'd known a little comment would get him all frazzled / why / RS: / i'd have reccomended something a little more plausible / haha / RS: / are you so keen on the thought of quadrants / kilran / ? / RS: / i never would have guessed / GO: It has been a good night for me. GO: I've had some very pleasant news come my way and I won't lie and say I'm not just a little over the moon about it. ID: what good news. RS: / how marvelous / are you going to share / ? / GO: That, I'm afraid, I will not say. Not yet. RS: / my / =:) / ID: well, we're being teased. RS: / i think teasing would require a greater amount of curiousity / RS: / i am merely pleased on behalf of kilran's good fortune /(edited) ID: this was fun. but i think you two got your perigee's fill of sniping at each other. GO: I am not sniping. GO: I do genuinely wish to have some sort of good rapport between us. RS: / are you sure that those tattoos are not paint / hadean / ? / RS: / given your propensity for trying to swing a club / =:) / ID: why, the way you two go at it in public instead of a private chat, well. ID: it almost seems like you two are waiting for interference. =:) GO: I have nothing to say in private I will not say in public. RS: / really / ? / i don't think that's quite true / RS: / i am starting to think you just enjoy meddling / ID: mmm i feel like there's a quote about this. is it the one with glass hives or the one with cooking utensils... ID: oh well. shake hands, tell each other it was a fantastic 'conversation', go back to your corners for the night. GO: I can do that. RS: / i don't think i meddle in your affairs nearly to this extent / all things considered / RS: / nor do i think this is an instance that /- warranted -/ meddling / ID: ah. but you do meddle, hm? RS: / but very well / =:) / have a lovely night / kilran / do enjoy your visit / RS: GO: I will, thank you Pheres GO: And if you do have time to visit, let me know? I would love to treat you. ID: scoot now kil. RS: / i did admit that i do meddle / RS: / that's hardly the gotcha that you think it is / RS: / and / mm / of course you would / =:) / ID: was it a gotcha? i was just shocked you admitted it is all! RS: / and why wouldn't i admit it / ? / ID: but i'm so glad you're being honest with yourself. it's a good thing for a troll! =:) keep it up. ID: i'll be returning to what i was doing now, have a good non-kilran-y night. RS: / why / thank you / ! / RS: / have a lovely evening / i suppose i'll just be moving to general now / =:) / ID: man, i have a lot of free time to wander down memory lane here. MH: Run fast from the trashfire in the main chat. RS: / i am retreating over here / does that spare me your ire / hadean / ? / ID: ˙MON ┴HפIɹ פ∩WS ⅄⅄⅄ɹƎΛ פNI˥ƎƎℲ ⅄˥q∀qOɹԀ Ǝɹ,∩O⅄ ƎS∩∀ƆƎq 'ON RS: / i don't think you know me nearly as well as you think you do / so / hush / RS: / / and do try to take a breather / why are you putting on that awful quirk / ? / GO: Because of you, Pheres. ID: ˙Ԁ∩ W∀Ǝɹp O┴ pƎɹ∀p ɹƎΛƎ S∀H pNIʞ˥˥Oɹ┴ ┴∀H┴ פNIƎq ⅄˥OHN∩ pN∀ ⅄˥OH ⅄ɹƎΛƎ O┴ ɹ∀ƎMS I N∀ɹ˥Iʞ SA: SA: oh so this is where hadean went. RS: / mm / RS: / hello / prisma / ! / ID: ˙ƃuᴉlƃuɐɹʍ ɹǝlƃƃᴉɹʍ uǝǝq 'zos RS: / how are you / ? / RS: / the chat has been rather busy / SA: i can see this. SA: i will make tea, hadean. SA: i'm fine. ID: ˙ʇɐǝɹƃ spunos RS: / marvelous / ! / SA: i'll have to quiz hadean on what was going on. But I'm glad it seems to have stopped. ID: ˙ʎɹoʇs ǝǝǝlloooɥʍ ǝɥʇ noʎ llǝʇ ll,ᴉ 'ʎɹɹoʍ ʇ,uop ɥo RS: / =:/ /

GENERAL CHAT:

GO: I've been kicked out of the lowblood chat. Is anyone around in here? RS: / haha / i suppose there isn't / ! / GO: Oh hello again Pheres. RS: / hello / ! / =:) / GO: Good to see you in general. ID: y'know. i tried to be nice. i tried to think to myself, hey! ID: maybe they'd listen! RS: / lowbloods got awfully quiet / and i am afraid my customer is still busy looking / RS: / so i thought i might help add some life to this chat / RS: / or / well / channel / ? / ID: i know pheres is all about his image, he'd hate for this to go so public. where all can see in the chat. ID: but here we are. GO: Oh of course. You know your presence is always wanted in here. RS: / of course / ! / but how kind of you to say so /(edited) ID: but fine, i guess. we'll sling mud for everyone to watch, i guess. =:/ ID: pull up a chair, ladies and gentletrolls. RS: / hadean / there's no need to work yourself up into a tizzy / RS: / perhaps you should go read something / ? / GO: We are being particularly civil tonight.(edited) ID: yes yes, your needles are very elaborately decorated tonight, i'm so proud of both of you. ID: you've come so far from threatening murder! ID: i'm wiping a tear from my bulb just thinking about it. ID: they grow up so fast. RS: / heavens / i don't believe anyone has ever threatened murder / RS: / save / well / you / RS: / but / ah / given your accusations of my meddling / RS: / perhaps i should start noting those in the moment / RS: / rather than /- after -/ ? / GO: Oh my. ID: uh-huh. kil hasn't ever threatened harm. just like you haven't ever wound him up just so you could then play the shrinking rust for all to see. MN: sooo did .I. comE at thE worst possiblE timE or RS: / oh / not at all / pull up a seat / emerel / RS: / hadean has gotten himself in a tiff / MN: oh boy MN: lEts hEar it MN: whats up ID: you're gonna make me dig up logs, aren't you. RS: / feel free to dig up all the logs you would like / it isn't as if i've done anything wrong / RS: / my apologies we are not all / mm / as aggressive as you / GO: I'm afraid I only wanted to come in here for some polite and good natured conversation. MN: hEy go haVE wE mEt MN: who arE you GO: I have been on my best behavior. RS: / mm / we were having a perfectly pleasant conversation / i thought / ! / GO: I'm not sure if we have, but I have seen you around. GO: Emerel, correct?(edited) MN: thats .ME. MN: glad to know .I.m mEmorablE GO: You were the one that Pheres told me to talk about to ask permission to teach him how to swordfight. MN: oh MN: yourE kilran RS: GO: Oh, has Pheres talked about me? GO: He said you were overprotective. RS: / heavens / i'm surprised you even remember it / haha / MN: point bEing MN: .PHERES. can handlE himsElf just finE without sword training MN: so no MN: pErmission not grantEd GO: I thought it was for show, not protection? GO: That is what he told the chat the other night. MN: .MY. point still stands GO: May I ask why? RS: / / are you really so enthused by the idea of teaching me to sword-fight / ? / GO: I am. GO: I would love to show you the tricks I've picked up over the sweeps. MN: you dont nEEd a rEason kilran MN: takE no for an answEr and shoVE it ID: we all know why and that's why it's not happening. ID: and why i'm sure you told em to tell kil no. RS: / i am sorry to disappoint / RS: / but i have had several sweeps of training beforehand / =:) / there isn't much /- to -/ teach / RS: MN: rEally hadEan MN: rEally MN: yourE going that routE GO: Goodness, I hope he told Em to tell me no. Otherwise, I'd have to say this is a frightening relationship. ID: kilran, go to your corner. GO: I'm only being a concerned troll, Hadean. RS: / mm / i wouldn't say frightening / RS: / perhaps as unbecoming as your insistence upon being in my physical presence / despite the repeated polite refusals / that have been levied your way / ? / RS: / why / one would think someone your age would be /- adept -/ at understanding that a simply stated refusal of interest / ought to stand by itself / ID: no, you definitely aren't kilran. RS: / without one having to duck behind their matesprit to avoid unwanted attention / =:/ / ID: pheres, go to your corner too. RS: / you hush / ! / ID: nope. MN: .I. swEar to god MN: o8< MN: dont makE .ME. go thErE guys HL: oh dear~! ID: hahah oh wow. way to arrive at least three weeks late em. HL: is everything quite alright~? MN: not rEally ID: yeah, actually. really. RS: / it is perfectly fine / but / ah / RS: / how kind of you to ask / lannia / =:) / RS: / how are you / ? / GO: Pheres, you do realize this insistence of mine is only so that you could stop your incessant and lowbrow sniping, you know that? Perhaps if we could meet in person would could have a better chance of resolving our issues rather than shriveling up online ir hiding behind a matesprit's lies RS: / my apologies / i meant to ask you earlier in the day / but i became rather busy / ID: ˙uɐɹlᴉʞ RS: / my incessant sniping / ? / RS: / heavens / i never realised you were so sensitive / RS: / have i stepped on your toes / ? / HL: oh dear~! ID: ˙sǝɹǝɥd GO: Is it not cruel of you too to force them to paint themselves as an overprotective, abusive troll just to hide behind their words like a martyr? RS: / my apologies / if so / it was never my intention / HL: i am doing quite well thank you, but it seems like you have quite something on your hands~! RS: / haha / i wouldn't say it's something / =:) / RS: / just a little bit of a misunderstanding / evidently / HL: what's the misunderstanding~? HL: it seems like there's quite something going on~! RS: / haha / one must be delicate with others feelings / and evidently / i misunderstood that / RS: / my fault entirely / i am sorry to say / =:( / i should have been more aware /(edited) GO: Oh Pheres. GO: Forever the martyr.(edited) HL: oh no~! i'm sure things will improve if you talk about it~? GO: Sometime you must get tired of playing victim when highbloods are around, don't you? HL: oh don't you think that's a little tiny bit nasty~? HL: well it's not like he meant it, yes~? GO: He means it. GO: He's said many a cruel thing to me behind prettied words, you know. GO: Just the other day I talked about being too busy to visit a friend, and well. HL: :0 HL: what~? RS: / oh / ? / RS: / am i playing the victim / ? / really / ? / RS: / what a curious way of viewing it / ! / MN: hEy .PHERES. MN: did you gEt thosE tExts translatEd HL: what ever does he mean pheres~? RS: / mm / he means that my rebuffing his continuous threats of physical harm / is playing the victim / RS: / evidently / but / ah / the texts / ! / CC | draggletailSkiver - 08/24/2017 DS: i was gonna say like wow hi but uuhhhhh can i get a what the fuck im going to bed, rest in peace y'all RS: / haha / oh dear / RS: / good light / lili / ! / GO: What he means, Lannia, is that he purposely attempts to agitate people with tiny comments and backhanded phrases, so that when they do get upset, he can pretend that he is the one being attacked in this situation despite quietly and consistantly needling someone over a period of weeks. RS: / try to sleep well / =:) / MN: run ds MN: .I. dont EVEn know who you arE MN: but fucking bolt it GO: It's underhanded and frankly just a little bit embarrassing. GO: I can't imagine what it's like to not have a spine. HL: oh dear~!!! GO: Oh dear indeed. GO: Considering your hue, Lannia, I'm sure he's very committed to making sure you have the best image he can make in your eyes. RS: RS: / mm / no / what i mean is that kilran has had an unorthodox and frankly unflattering obsession with my physical battery / RS: / the thought evidently brings him gratification / ? / i don't pretend to know / but / i personally am rather tired of this conversation / RS: / so/ https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/284778361220235266/350466320363421707/unknown.png RS: / this is the sort of thing i have been dealing with for / oh / RS: / three perigees now / ? / RS: / clearly / speaking up about such untoward behaviour / after experiencing it for perigees on end / RS: / is playing the victim / MN: okay what thE actual fuck ID: wow. really. HL: :I RS: / but / ! / RS: / i believe we are all a little tired of this spat / RS: / and we are driving out the other members of the chat / RS: / which is unkind / at best / GO: Again, he needles for months, paints himself in the most victimizing light he can, and try to throw things around for pity points. ID: gee, i think we were tired before you both started. RS: / well / ! / as long as i /- deserved -/ this sort of attention / RS: / that makes it entirely alright / whatever was i thinking / ? / ID: so. how about you both just. ID: ˙ԀO┴S פNIʞƆ∩Ⅎ RS: / mm / i am stopping / don't invert your text at me / GO: Pheres, were you born without a spine or did someone rip it out of you when you were young? ID: ˙⅄∀S פNIʞƆ∩Ⅎ I pIp ┴∀HM N∀ɹ˥Iʞ MN: ugggh MN: .FUCKING STOP. GO: You know what he's doing Hadean. GO: I will stop when he does. ID: ˙ԀO┴S OS ˙∩O⅄ ┴,NƎɹ∀ Hפ∩OH┴ ƎW∀פ ⅄┴┴IHS SIH פNI⅄∀˥Ԁ Ǝɹ,∩O⅄ GO: You saw it yourself, I came in here to have civil conversations. GO: And he escalated it. ID: ˙SɹƎ˥פפIɹM פNIʞƆ∩Ⅎ פNIƎq ԀO┴S ┴S∩ſ ∩O⅄ ℲO H┴Oq GO: Perhaps we should settle it like adult trolls then. ID: ˙N∀ɹ˥Iʞ NI∀פ∀ SSƎ∩פ NפIʞƆ∩Ⅎ pN∀ '┴HפIℲ ∀ H┴IM ⅄∀S O┴ פNIOפ Ǝɹ,∩O⅄ GO: I never said a fight. RS: / well / ! / RS: / is anyone awake over here / ? / RS: / or have they successfully scared all of you away / ? /(edited) MN: .I. for onE am fEEling VEry tErrifiEd right now MH: That was a fucking trash fire. MH: Genuinely one of the worst things I've ever seen. RS: / haha / my apologies / RS: / i am sure it will not happen again / MH: Sure. MH: I saw how you jumped from chat to chat. MH: Haha, wow RS: / mm / well / RS: / / i will do my best to ensure that it does not happen again / ? / RS: / a better compromise / perhaps / RS: / how are you tonight / ? / MH: Doing your best to prevent it in the future doesn't change what we've already seen. MH: Anyway. MH: Trash fire aside. MH: I'm doing great. RS: / i could object to this tongue-lashing / but i suppose it is rather warranted / RS: / so / ! / i will bow my head / haha / MH: Haha, wow. Okay. RS: / and / that's lovely to hear / MH: What have you been up to besides from. All of this. RS: / collecting commissions / dealing with customers / RS: / you seemed to enjoy octopuses / ah / going by that stuffed one / RS: / so i spotted these / and thought you might like them /

-- refiningSpacetime [RS] has attached octopi.jpeg! It's a dumbo octopus in a jar. --

MH: Cute.