#and i ujst. Yeah i need to get normaller i think

[bi-demon-ium]

my thoughts on zoo

does anyone care? no. do i care that no one cares? also no.

okay, so most importantly: i loved it. i really, really loved it. it’s up there with my favorite podcasts right now, on par with death by dying and welcome to night vale. it’s just fun. it’s engaging. it’s interesting. i stayed up for almost 24 hours straight listening to most of it at once. it’s great. 

i’m gonna put the rest under the cut because ~spoilers~ but like, here’s my opinions i guess! in no particular order.

okay so weird place to start, but. dahlia riddle isn’t valid i’m sorry

don’t get me wrong she’s a really cool well-written character played by a super talented actress but this bitch???? is not valid. to be clear, this has nothing to do with the monsterfucking (completely valid if i do say so myself) and even her urge to murder her coworkers. what is not valid is a) the actual murder like??? she had such a casual approach to this she was like ah yes and i had them all ripped to bloody shreds :) perfect

but also like b) (and it’s probably bad this bothered me more but) she just??? assumes there’s no cost??? that he’ll Protect her from any price and she’ll just get everything she once because she said a word and apparently seduced a bone rattlin demon boi. but like.... have you never read a book. do you know nothing about life and consequences and how these things ALWAYS WORK. no matter how good you are, there’s always a cost!!! being smart is balancing that cost wisely!!! you are not smart!!! 

like wanting to pursue magic and power beyond purely academic research is honorable, and i relate to the whole “none of them take it seriously, i thought we were here to take this seriously” thing, but like.... girl. clearly you’re not that genius if you just completely assume that there’s NO COST i was literally screaming the whole time i was like WHAT? NO. YOU FUCKING DUMBASS THIS IS GOING TO GET YOU MURDERED. OR WORSE.

dont get me wrong its very sexy of her to be a whole homicidal academic and she’s a cool character but like. aaaaaaaaaa

and again to be clear this is not bad writing by any means i’m yelling at dahlia herself

also i think i saw someone be like “oh she murdered her colleagues bc they were a bunch of condescending men” and maybe im dumb (well, i am dumb, but im saying maybe i missed something) but it really didn’t read to me as they dismiss her because she’s a woman and she’s surrounded by condescending men, so much as she’s surrounded by people not taking magic seriously (and by extension her since she does) but they’re ujst like normal colleagues and they annoy her. you know how in cell block tango (in chicago) most of them you’re kinda like yeah he had it comin lol but then one of them is just like HE KEPT SMACKING HIS GUM. she kinda has that energy to me. but also i haven’t relistened to the whole show yet so maybe i genuinely missed something, i could be swayed here

ok moving on from my strong opinions about dahlia riddle 

the mothman.

the mothman.

i love them.

i do wish it was more clear what pronouns the mothman uses. i mean is it both he and them? because valid, literally same, but it came off as confusing because people used them interchangeably and i couldn’t tell if the them was like a “i can’t tell gender here” (i don’t think so because i’m pretty sure that amos refers to the mothman as them a few times) or if like, characters were misgendering the mothman, or?? what????

but like i love nonbinary mothman so i’m gonna go with them for now. iconic, tbh

anyway i LOVE THE MOTHMAN

i can’t even articulate it i just love the mothman. i just think they’re neat

titaniumviolet really really annoyed me at first, because i thought they were going for the “tin hat conspiracy theorist straight-up making things up for her blog” thing (with the whole batsquatch thing for example, like. that sounds made up.) and then when mckayla was like “i need to call someone who knows this field.......how about that one crackpot i made fun of once” like there are serious cryptozoologists!! why would you go to some random tabloid writer when you could go to someone who takes it seriously!!!

but then we met her and every opinion i had on her did a 180 immediately i was like oh my god i love her i take back everything i said she’s the best

also it seems to be heavily implied she for the most part doesn’t make shit up, she just might exaggerate a little. but the batsquatch is real, so! 

but seriously i love her and i highkey ship her and mckayla ngl 

let her! work at! the zoo! she cares so much about the cryptids, she genuinely cares!! and it could be really cool to see that conflict with her desire to get the truth out there/post things on her blog, like how we see with the ghost moose when she can’t resist taking a selfie 

god i just love her and want more of her tbh

ok mckayla. mmm mixed feelings. overall i really like her, that’s not an issue, but like

ok first of all for some reason her voice really bothered me at first (sometimes with podcasts the main voice is just like immediately heaven in ur ears--looking at you, cecil--and other times it takes a while to grow on you, like the obituary writer, and other times it’s good, but just weird, like the lost cat podcast. and then sometimes it just sucks. in this case, it was kinda weird but not to the point i couldn’t listen, and i got over it pretty fast) but i got over it! so it’s fine

also randomly i kinda picture her as like.... tish? from doctor who? martha’s sister? i don’t know why that’s what i’m picturing when i imagine her face but it is.

i do really like her actually, she amuses me a lot and she’s really endearing and relatable 

like the whole bigfoot emporium thing flgkjfhlkjgfh “oh i guess we HAVEEE to buy ALLL THIS MERCH” “we could just buy like a tshi--” “WHAT SIZE ARE YOU WE’RE GETTING EVERYTHING :D”

hm although the whole like... slight emphasis on religion they occasionally do makes me a little uncomfortable but to be absolutely clear that’s on me and my experiences with christianity and not the writing or the show lkgjhfgh but it did make me a little uncomfy when it was brought up i guess 

also like ok they try to do this thing that’s like She Cares About The Cryptids, she’s newcomer and without the biases of this world she’s more empathetic or something, you know what i mean? but a) to me it felt kinda abrupt i guess? like one second shes being like “oooo weird monsters” and then sorta midway, but then she goes full extreme cryptid rights. which isn’t invalid, but like, it feels like this whole She Knows Better even tho shes been here for like a few months lfkgjhfgh

speaking of which the episode where they all want to kill the siren and she insists on tranqing her instead, like. rubbed me wrong a little? 

to be fair i think my issue with it is something they like.... did intentionally? im just not sure how well it worked, or was explored, i guess

like why is the mothman so on the “human” side here? the whole point of the zoo is to protect and preserve cryptids. and while there are certainly arguments to be made for why it’s important that guests can visit and see them (for example, making people like. see these cryptids in a safe environment, and therefore be less scared of them, hopefully making the world a little safer for cryptids in general) but they don’t like. say that. 

so why is the safety of the guests paramount? i mean okay that came out wrong obviously they want to protect the guests. but the mothman specifically is like “and if there are deaths we might have to close the zoo and make it some sort of private preserve, and that would be Terrible because that’s SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE ZOO” and i’m like is it tho? like i can see arguments for it but they don’t argue that. so it came off really weird to me

i guess there’s also money maybe? like do the guests pay a fee to get in? but doesn’t the zoo just make anything they require? im sure that couldn’t be used for bad things

you know come to think of it why did the zoo like. do that in the first place? when the mothman arrived there was nothing, it was a blank room of requirement adapting their needs, but it like.... provided the sign. they came back and it was there. the mothman didn’t choose that specific wording. 

like zoos are definitely great (the like... valid ones. fuck sea world and old timey shitty zoos. cough cough the aquarium) and work with conservation but with the question of sapience here it feels dodgy to have these people be like. exhibits. even people like paige, like. ok, she’s treated as a person, but she had an exhibit. does amos have an exhibit? hell, does the mothman? 

did the zoo do this like. is the mothman really an exhibit. what the fuck.

(im kind of thinking of this excellent fic for the show the librarians i read once that points out that in the binary between “artifact/book stored in the library” and “librarian/guardian who works at the library” that jenkins, the unofficial caretaker, falls into the former rather than the latter. it’s not technically a strong assertion--one can easily argue that caretaker is simply a third job not accounted for in that binary--but like. the possibility is all too chilling. i mean, with his whole status as an immortal knight... yeah. they’ve got nessie in there, why not galahad? obviously he’s not entirely caged and he’s treated like a person, and even has a modicum of respect and authority, but like. so does the mothman, so. that’s kind of what i’m thinking here, i guess.)  

why did the zoo choose to be a zoo. why not just a reserve or a park or some shit. 

and apparently also an aquarium as they are cut from the same cloth. 

but like back to what i was saying lfgkhjgh you would really think the mothman would want to prioritize cryptid safety given that that’s the whole point. 

now that could be an interesting storyline on how like, they were raised by humans, and despite being a cryptid they have this weird bias. you know, like before the zoo when they were using their prophetic dreams to save humans from cryptids and always assumed that’s what it was until they came to the one where they realized they were saving the cryptid from a mob of humans? like, that could be a Thing. but it hasn’t really been addressed, i guess. but then, it’s not over yet, so

and like in episode 5 where the woman overhears the conversation about the... demwah? demwuah? demwua? dimwah? you know the "tree" in the road. anyway. I was a little confused as to who was talking but I'm 90 percent sure it was the mothman being like I'll Put It Down If I Have To 🤷‍♂️ No Big Deal while the doctor (doctor m'briety?) was like we can hurt it! its innocent! with the mothman being all sinister and almost sounding cruel or careless?

again this balance of is the zoo evil or not. it almost feels like originally the zoo was going to be evil but they scrapped the idea at the end if season one and were like the mothman is good now, the zoo is not malicious, the aquarium will be that now (ill discuss this more later with the whole intro and stuff)

but either way it just sat wrong to me that it was the mothman being like “we gotta kill it” and then mckayla, a human, being the one kinda self righteously like No We Cannot Or We Are Bad 

but it’s not a huge criticism here just something that rubbed me the wrong way

also the siren’s song is so good and i want just like a track of that like just the song. and the lyrics. aaaa it was so pretty 

and like honestly that whole thing with “what’s the line between animal and person with the cryptids?” is a really fascinating question

i mean i think she said something about it almost seeming to be a matter of who pisses them off--see spring heeled jack--but i’d disagree at least a little. i don’t think jacky boy is being treated like an Animal, so much as a very very dangerous prisoner. rightfully so.

(speaking of spring heeled jack: i loved him. he was so fun. great voice acting. gave me the shiver-me-timbers and i loved it)

but like it’s a good question

is a siren a person? not human, sure, but is she a person? i’d say probably. i mean, a lot of smart people define language as the barrier where a creature crosses from sentient to sapient. and the sirens aren’t just mimicking, they can hold a conversation. they seem pretty peopley to me. so they should be treated as such. you can argue they should be kept in the zoo for their own safety and everyone else’s (we can’t begrudge them for murder considering that’s not murder, that’s food, but like, we can contain it and attempt to feed them safely instead, right?) but even then it should be a more respectful prisoner situation maybe? or maybe they shouldn’t be kept in at all! 

and like yeah, where’s the line? are the will o wisps people? could you set up a sort of “blink once for yes, twice for no” conversation? 

it’s a complicated question! it’s cool! 

but on the other hand it’s like....... ok yeah but WHY is this question mothman is LITERALLY RUNNING THE PLACE you’d really think that they’d be less “oh they’re all dumb animals” and more “hm, i’m a cryptid and not an animal. i wonder if this extends to anyone else”

i get it’s not totally unrealistic--it’s generally the humanoid or human-looking ones that are treated as people, like paige, rather than like, the will o wisps or whatever, but like. again it just kinda sits with me wrong like. again it’s like ok so the human is the one asking these questions? particularly the human who was lowkey convinced they were all monsters a second ago? i get the outsider perspective thing but. idk man

glkjfglkjgfh idk i mean it’s not totally unreasonable it just seems off to me somehow but i can’t quite put my finger on exactly what it is

i love amos

i have no idea why, but his voice gets on my nerves

but i love him so goddamn much that i don’t even care and ignore it

like he’s so goddamn endearing that i can get past it, which is really saying something

i love this cricket man. i love him. 

also i LOVE THAT HE’S MARRIED TO COURTNEY LKGHJFGLKHJ 

i love barnes in general tbh

i liked the gay deer. i can understand how some people would be offended or uncomfortable, and that’s totally valid, but honestly, i thought he was hilarious. absolutely if he’d been the only queer character i’d be :/// but he isn’t, and even tho there isn’t a huge focus on rep there just isn’t a huge focus on romance in general, and it’s included enough that i feel i can trust the creators with that

and honestly the gay deer’s just fucking funny as hell lkhjgffgh

“the gay deer” “...excuse me?” (deeply tired) “he literally won’t give us any other name and it’s all he’ll answer to” iconic tbh. me as a deer god

i don’t think there’s any character i don’t like? i mean there are characters i’m supposed to dislike, like the asshole assistant director guy, and i guess the not-werewolf boat guy doesn’t particularly catch my interest or heart, but like generally i actually like all the characters 

i liked beckett a lot hes just tired... let him rest

i cant WAIT for a reunion between mckayla and beckett and mackayla and titaniumviolet. also just more beckett and titaniumviolet interaction could be fun lhkfgh

and the writing is so good i love the little stories, especially at first like the chupacabra story fglhkfjhlkgjfh it’s sweet

and the pacing is really good, i super loved how season one was her finding the zoo, and the mystery and build up to her finally seeing the mothman in person and finding the sign herself (that season ending was so satisfying like if the show had ended there i would have been happy, but i’m also glad we got more) was all so good, and then season two being her adjusting to working at the zoo and all this spooky stuff with the aquarium going on 

and like classic podcast mood of starting sorta monster of the weekish vibes with mostly unconnected short stories that slowly become more and more connected and there are callbacks (like with paige) is good 

unlike most podcasts i didn’t immediately miss the monster of the weekish format like with the magnus archives i quickly kinda wished for the normal statements minus serialization again, but with zoo i didn’t get bored of it. i wouldn’t mind some more short stories mixed in but like, i was just as fascinated

also the humor is excellent. my two favorite moments that i still remember like a week later (which is HUGE for me): 1. titaniumviolet fucking waving at the goatman like you’ve seen a coworker on the street and caught their eye and you have to do SOMETHING or they’ll bring it up later-- and then 2. that like. huge list of random shit in that old guy’s house? like it was so fucking funny all the shit they came up with i was laughing out loud (for real! not just an exhale!) and repeating them out loud in an incredulous wheeze of laughter and making my mother look at me with deep concern

me, wheezing loudly: a vial marked “time!!” 

my mother: [concern]

also i like the balance on horror because im a weak bitch, i don’t love horror, so this has a nice spooky feel but i’m not getting nightmares

i love how this podcast incorporates actual like, paranormal theories and stuff!! like mothman’s prophetic dreams, and like--oh my god, y’all, indrid cold. look, i recently watched hellier, so i know about that whole thing and the connections to mothman, and like. i remember thinking as this weird new fbi guy was coming up, like. oh, man. wouldn’t it be cool if this was indrid cold? and i kinda dismissed it like nah you’re thinking that because of hellier. but the closer we got to the reveal of his name, the more i was like.....could it be tho?

and then they called him agent cold and i was like THIS CAN’T BE A COINCIDENCE 

and then they confirmed his first name showed him in that old photo and i was like AAAAAAAAAAAAAA ive never felt more thrilled in my life i love guessing things correctly and like idk how many people knew about that but i just felt really smart lghkjfglkfgjh you know like idk if it was actually that big a deal--probably not--but in the moment i felt SO smart it was great

random but i was promised trans characters. where are they. 

well there was normandy(?) but they were a pretty minor character (or. are so far?) so

am i stupid? were some of them confirmed as trans offscreen? i mean we already know i’m board for nonbinary mothman but i don’t think anyone was ever confirmed as trans in the show

also i’m slightly unclear on whether the zoo is evil or not. like they made it a mystery on purpose in season one, which makes sense. by the end it seems pretty obvious they’re not evil, and season two seems to basically be like yeah they’re not evil. occasionally misguided, but not evil or malicious by any means. 

and yet.

the fucking intro. the intro they play in every episode (and specifically recorded with a new voice actor every time so not even like just a randomly played thing--i loved that, by the way, how it was a new voice each time, it was so cool. also i have no idea why but that last line--you are following a sign marked... zoo always GETS me it’s such a good line lgkjfgh like the way it interacts with the podcast format/framing, and just generally how the sentence is constructed??? idk bro its just good shit) they always say like. “if you’re lucky you’ll move on and not go in” and “unfortunately, the zoo still exists” like???? if it’s actually not evil or malicious, why is it unfortunate? unfortunate that it needs to exist because humans destroy what they don’t exist? lucky because... you didn’t get to see the cool zoo full of cryptids? i guess it could destroy someone’s life if they got obsessed or it broke their fragile little worldview but like generally that’s not the point, right, so like. what the fuck guys

i mean is this deliberate and it’ll be a double twist, the zoo is evil after all?

i do wonder about like. not the mothman but the other people in charge. the assistant director guy is too obvious, he’s no hidden villain, but maybe one of the doctors with the nice voices or something will be

because like how did the zoo become like this anyway? first it was the mothman taking advantage of the magical moving room of requirement, and now fast forward a century or two and it’s got a whole like. company with rules and like other people in charge, people who sometimes directly conflict with the mothman and even like. get their way over them, right? so they’re not really the only one in charge anymore, are they? how did that even happen? how did they get their first employees like this??? how did they start this whole thing??

is it possible some of the other people are corrupt or something? like they’re the bad guys? i find it hard to believe the mothman is a twist villain, they’re just too earnest and like well-meaning. i guess that could be the point but it doesn’t make sense to me. again, the assistant director is too obvious, so i would think one of the other high level staff or something, maybe? 

.....now im thinking back to the discussion of “is the mothman actually an exhibit themself?” and im having... uneasy feelings.

not like bad writing uneasy feelings like “oh,,,, oh no” feelings for a future potential episode like...

whatever The Bad Guy in the zoo is being like well mothman you’re an exhibit :)) we’ve let you run free long enough >:) and all the people cryptids being shoved back in the exhibit cages

oh god oh god like a mothman exhibit they cant escape from modified for them, a gilded, glorified hamster cage

terrifying!!! terrifying!!!! it’d be a damn good “oh OOF” moment tho like actually wow i love that. in like a “that would be horrible!!!!” (evil cackling) “the angst would be delicious!”

actually do they already have an exhibit? like. where do they sleep. the flashback to zoo origins mentioned a little house like that is that little house still there somewhere deep in the zoo, a reminder of their origins? that’d be sweet :)

anyway idk either way it just seems weird to start the episode from a season about this good zoo that’s protecting weird magical creatures and beings and then it starts with like “UNFORTUNATELY the zoo is still there and you may if u are unlucky go in one day!!”

ok but the MUSIC!!!!!! mostly the theme (so!! good!!!) but also like the siren’s song is iconic. i could listen to both for hours

the aquarium and its director is such a good villain so far!! so spooky!! and the foreshadowing was super well done 

i wish there were transcripts tho. why don’t more podcasts have transcripts. please. please provide transcripts. i’m begging you

overall i super duper love this podcast so much. all the criticism i’ve mentioned is purely out of love for this show like i wouldn’t care enough to think about all this if i didn’t really really love the show. 

the writing is excellent, the tone and humor and spookiness great. it’s engaging and fun and the characters are endearing and it’s just overall a really good story. a really good show. i’d say it’s tied in first place as my favorite podcast with death by dying right now, night vale only falling into third because despite my love for it years ago, i still haven’t caught up. 

and any issues i do have with this show (none of which actually make me dislike the show, just make me think) do not at all detract from my enjoyment. except maybe the transcripts thing. blease i have audio processing issues i need transcripts,

also i want the lyrics to that siren song so i can sing it in the shower

and also a quick reference for any meta or fic or anything else i may write lmao

seriously there are so many benefits to transcripts particularly for accessibility 

there’s probably more i’m not thinking of--i might add that after i relisten to it again, which i plan to do--but for now this is it :) if anyone wants to talk about any of this PLEASE fire away im loving this show and no one i know will listen to it flgkhfjgh

[vadre]

honestly me just word vomiting onto a textpost 

tw: sex, trauma, dubcon shit, booze, exes 

fuckin. as far as trauma that i just havent even fuckin touched yet sex is pretty much the only thing still left (i think? ya ever get so good at repressing ur emotions that u cant tell if youre actually ok w shit or not anymore, its goddamn terrifying bc its like walking on eggshells but with my own fucking brain) and like. THAT is what i zeroed in on when ex called 2 weeks ago, n like. distressed is the fuckin understatement of the century so ofc i drank myself into oblivion (and got a tattoo but i was actually planning on doing that anyway but then this shit happened and it went from wanting to get one to Needing It and i got it in a more painful spot which my artist warned me about and i had 2 refrain from sayin morbid shit like “thats ideal actually, my good dude”) BUT yeah uuhh friend and i ended up like. i cant say “accidentally fucking” bc thats not possible but i was fucking. blackout drunk and genuinely dont remember most of what happened (which is so fucking scary the more i think about it hahaha) and i woke up with Regret™ and friend seemed like. perfectly fine but he picked up on my awkwardness soon enough and things pretty immediately got real weird btwn us (which also sucked, bc like. i’d been spending most every weekend w him, we were gettin v close and it was at that point where we knew each other well in terms of “hey u wanna hear about the fucked up shit thats happened in my life??!?” but Not the close u can get w someone only after knowing them for a long ass time, which is. a frustrating place 2 be when u wanna know what the Fucc someone is thinking) but then we talked the whole thing over and basically like. so im a v affectionate drunk in that if im comfy w u i can get touchy and that kind of shit and hes a Fucking Straight Cishet Dude so ofc he was just. “aah ok so theyre coming onto me” (which is So Fucking Funny bc i dont “””come onto””” people to start but also like,, he was/is so firmly placed in strictly no-fucking friendship area its wild and i kinda wanna tell him this but ik i shouldnt) and then the shit ensued but from my perspective for like. the nearly 2 weeks we just Didnt Talk About It he just randomly decided to kiss me and my drunk reasoning is pretty much perpetually “oh ok this is happening then” and things ujst kinda,, kept happening even after i puked in his fuckin room which i did/do feel terrible about but then. the part that will never stop bothering me is that he fuckin. didnt stop afterwards? and i. it was way way way too close to like. w shitty ex the dynamic as far as sex went was essentially “i mean, i dont have an option in that i dont want any trouble, its just easier to do this and fucking get it over with” (actually that was pretty much our entire dynamic) and like. idk the feeling of not having an option (i remember verbally consenting, but that being said i also dont remember anything else so like. i was not in a good headspace and wouldve agreed to anything if im being honest with myself) struck way too close to home esp in that like. the thing that fucking drove me to blackout drinking (ive never rly done that before lmao) was my shitty fucking ex calling and forcing me to recall all the shitty fucking things she did, especially regarding fucking, and i dont wanna call it a repeat situation at all bc they truly are different scenarios but there really isnt a worse time where i couldve had fucking dubcon sex and like. the reaction friend had when i basically told him “hey so uuhhh i dont remember shit, i was not coming onto you, you fucking kept going after i puked” was him profusely apologizing and being generally self deprecating (honestly like. everything that happened is easily forgivable, but again the puking thing was kind of an indicator that i wasnt in any state to be consenting, which his drunk ass evidently didnt understand) but im still uncomfortable w the entire thing even if it is like. resolved? i guess? and he thinks things are perfectly fine back to normal which is honestly kinda even more frightening? like he doesnt know what to do, frankly i dont know what i want him to do, but i just hate that he was becoming a close friend and then. this. this is also a more immediate issue so i have yet another excuse to put off dealing w traumatic experiences relating to ex :)))

but yeah im screaming