#and i'm not trying to counteract this very necessary activism

[alaiis]

Just saw a post that talked about the fact yes disabled people know their limits but it's more complex than that.

And it was about disabled people's agency being stripped away from us. How sometimes we can do thing but they won't let us. Because we're disabled.

And I wanted to comment about another thing on 'disabled people know their limits' but I didn't want to distract from this conversation so making a post instead.

Disabled people know their limits. Except when we don't.

I know it's difficult to say and to hear because it feels like it's the perfect admittance for ableists to strip us of the little autonomy we have.

But I'm disabled and I don't know my limits. But the thing is, other people don't know them either so don't dare them trying to tell me they know better.

Yes this is about late-diagnosed autism but I believe it can be the same for many other disabilities too.

Because I've been taught all my life I'm not disabled actually. So there is no reason I should not be able to do something that other people can do. That I should be able to be the same way.

It's about the constant exhaustion trying to live the way everyone lives and crashing ugly where everyone can't see it because it's too much. But it's about doing that all my life. And knowing only this way of living.

And now that I actually have recognition as a disabled person. Now that I can get accommodations and I'm not expected to do everything everyone does and the same way. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to ask for. And I keep doing the same.

Oh don't get me wrong there are the obvious things. I can wear ear protection now. But what about all the rest? I'm so exhausted constantly, how do I know where it comes from now? It's my whole life.

I finally started having a therapist who can help me with that. Learning my limits first. Learning to get them respected second. But it's taking a lot of time. And I'm still clueless about so many things.

And I'm so damn exhausted.

Disabled people know their limits. Except when we don't.

[justpottytime]

OK, I'm finally gonna do it! I'm using @omowritingprompts omo questionnaire - I'm sorry I can't link the actual post, I don't know how on mobile, but you'll find it on their blog! I'm answering the questions for my OC Kyder - she's a D&D high elf, and a guard captain working in a castle, so her time period is very much 'medieval but with magic', and a few things have been handwaved for convenience!

TW for several mentions of trauma and abuse!

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general / casual (regular everyday peeing behavior lol)

1. What’s their preferred place to pee? (bathroom, outside, container…etc.)

Wherever it would generally be considered 'socially acceptable', so most of the time for her, that would be a toilet or a chamber pot.

2. Do they prefer to pee standing up or sitting / squatting? At home or in public?

Sitting if possible, but if she has to do it outside, she hates the vulnerability of having to squat down - though as she's AFAB, she always assumed she had to. Her friend is currently trying to teach her how to pee standing up while they're outside, and while she's not very good at it yet, she definitely prefers it.

3. Can they aim well (or at all)? Which hand do they use? Both? None? 

She hasn't gotten that far yet in learning to go while standing up, so she usually ends up with a bit of a mess down her legs, which she definitely doesn't like. It's a work in progress!

4. Are they vocal or quiet? Do they get chatty if there are people around?

She's VERY quiet apart from the occasional sigh if she was holding a lot. If there are other people around then depending on who they are, forget chatty, she's not likely to be able to pee at all!

5. Do they have any unusual bathroom habits? (whistling, leaning against the wall, pants all the way down when standing, looking at memes on their phone, etc.)

She can get pee-shy when she's feeling anxious over something, and when that happens, she often needs to stim to make herself relax. She mostly does this by fidgeting with the hem of her clothes, either rubbing the material between her thumb and finger, or gently twisting and pulling at it. The repetitive motion of her hands gives her brain something else to focus on, and it will often prompt her muscles to relax because she isn't thinking about what she's trying to do anymore.

6. Do they take their time or do they try to get done as quickly as possible?

She always tries to be as quick as possible, especially while she's working, because she doesn't want anyone to come looking for her and find out where she was.

7. Are they pee-shy? Do they get embarrassed? If yes, in what situation and by what? (the sight? the noise? people knowing they have bodily functions?) In front of whom?

As mentioned above, she's definitely pee-shy, caused by traumatic memories from her childhood (I'll give more detail later in the questionnaire) and it's now very tightly tied to her anxiety. She HATES people knowing she has bodily functions and will constantly try to hide it, to the point that the people she's closest with often have to work with her on getting her to tell them when she needs to go, to prevent accidents or waiting longer than necessary. If she has to pee with someone else around, she can only do it if it's someone she feels safe with, and she still often gets embarrassed by the noise. Her partner often counteracted this by mumbling a lot of praise and sweet nothings whenever he had to help her, which both covered the sound and soothed a lot of her anxiety.

8. Do they prefer to go in groups or do they want to be alone / need privacy.

Around people she doesn't know or trust, she'd much rather be completely alone. Around someone that she trusts and feels safe with, she might actively ask them to stay with her and help, depending on how bad her anxiety is or what position she's in - she still needs help to balance if she's trying to pee standing up.

9. If they use the men’s room, stall or urinal? Do they stick to the unwritten bathroom etiquette? (no talking, no looking over, leaving a urinal gap, etc.)

Not applicable, she's cis AFAB and the bathrooms aren't separated by gender during this time period anyway. She only pees standing up when she's doing it outside.

10. Do they refuse to use certain bathrooms? (too dirty, too crowded, wrong type of toilets?)

She'll sometimes try to hold it if there are too many people around/near the bathroom and she doesn't think she'll be able to make herself relax. She tries not to appear bothered if the toilet is too dirty out of a fear of seeming stuck-up, but it bothers her more than she'll admit.

11. Have they ever peed in the pool (except as a baby)? On purpose or not?

No, though she doesn't get much chance to go swimming considering where she is, but she would never do it on purpose and do her best to avoid an accident.

12. Do they pee in the shower / bath and would they admit it if someone asked?

Again, she would try very hard not to do that, mostly just because she knows you're not 'supposed' to go there. If she somehow did end up peeing in the bath/shower and someone asked her about it though, she would deny it completely - not that she's a very good liar...

13. Have they ever locked someone out of a bathroom / kept them from going?

Not intentionally, but there's certainly been times where she was struggling to relax enough to let go, and it kept someone waiting uncomfortably.

14. Have they ever peed in the opposite gender bathroom? (if applicable) 

Again, bathrooms usually aren't separated by gender during this time period, most of the time it's just a single room. If they were though, she would utterly refuse to use the opposite gender's bathroom, and the suggestion would probably make her pretty anxious. The main reason for this is due to her being autistic, which obviously can't be diagnosed in her time period, and she was frequently scolded throughout her life for being unaware of unspoken social rules and inevitably breaking them by accident. As such, the idea of breaking the few social rules she DOES know would terrify her, as she still expects punishment for it.

15. Are they okay with or used to peeing outside? Do they do it often?

She doesn't exactly like it, but it's a necessity with her work. She usually needs a bit of help though, either with reassurance or to balance if she's trying to pee standing up. If she has to do it on her own, particularly around others, she'll often get rather upset.

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desperation / wetting (yk, the actual omo stuff)

16. How do they say “I have to pee”? Are they blunt? Do they use weird euphemisms? Do they get offended if someone uses certain terms around them?

She HATES having to say it, and will usually avoid it at all costs. It's normally easier to have someone just ask if she has to go, as embarrassing as that always is, but obviously she can't always rely on that. If she's with someone she trusts, she'll often have some kind of code word or phrase that they'll know means it's time to find a bathroom if possible, but no-one else will know the meaning of. It makes her feel slightly safer, just about enough to get the words out.

17. What are some “tells” that they have to go? Who can tell first if they don’t speak up?

She tends to fidget and squirm and look rather nervous, and she'll often seem distracted. Usually only her partner or closest friends know what her squirming looks like, and can often tell before it becomes obvious pee-squirming (if only because they've learned to pay attention and look for it).

18. If someone asks if they have to go and they do, do they admit or deny it? Do they play it down as much as they can or do they exaggerate on purpose?

If it's someone she's comfortable around and willing to accept help from, she'll usually admit it and try to be honest about how bad it is, if only to avoid an accident. The exception to this is if she knows she won't be able to go anytime soon, in which case she might deny it so as not to stress out whoever asked - she feels guilty enough about needing help like this, she doesn't want to make them panic if there's nothing that either of them can do about it.

19. How do they act when they’re desperate? Do they get angry? Do they squirm a lot or do they freeze up? Do they get quieter or do they talk more than usual?

As mentioned above, she gets squirmy, quiet and distracted, and it often makes her nervousness worse.

20. How do they act when someone else is desperate in their vicinity? Do they try to help them? Are they successful or do they accidentally make it worse?

Surprisingly, she's better at dealing with this with other people than with herself. She'll do her best to help and keep them both calm, and try to find them somewhere to go. While she won't suggest anything that might be 'inappropriate' to go in, she also won't stop the desperate person if they suggest it - unless there will be immediate negative consequences, like someone scolding them or the sound giving away where they are.

21. How do they like to be treated when they have to go? Do they want comfort / encouragement / coddling? Are they okay with light-hearted teasing or jokes?

Either ignore it if there's no chance of relief anytime soon, or occasional gentle encouragement if she just needs to hold it a bit longer - don't bring it up too much or she'll get embarrassed. Although, if the situation starts to get a bit dire, it might also be a good idea to quietly remind her that it won't be a disaster if she doesn't quite make it, and that she won't be in trouble...

22. The same as the three questions above but with accidents (bedwetting too).

1. How do they act when they have an accident/wet the bed? Do they get angry? Do they squirm a lot or do they freeze up? Do they get quieter or do they talk more than usual?

Accidents are SERIOUSLY bad for her because of her trauma, to the point that in extreme cases, they can cause dissociation and flashbacks to several VERY bad memories of her childhood. She'll usually freeze up and often start silently crying without noticing. If no-one intervenes, her fight-or-flight instincts will usually kick into overdrive and she'll try to hide until she can bring herself back to the present. Bedwetting is somewhat less severe, but she still ends up feeling pretty embarrassed and ashamed, especially if it happened around someone else.

2. How do they act when someone else has an accident/wets the bed in their vicinity? Do they try to help them? Are they successful or do they accidentally make it worse?

Again, she actually finds it easier when it's someone else going through this instead of her. She has a tendency to mother people slightly, so she'll usually try her best to console them and find them clean clothes, or at least something to cover the wet patch, and she'll want to take charge of cleaning up if she can. How much this helps depends on how much fussing the person in question can take - if they just want to be left alone, this may be more irritating than anything else!

3. How do they like to be treated when they have an accident/wake up wet? Do they want comfort / encouragement / coddling? Are they okay with light-hearted teasing or jokes?

As mentioned above, accidents can cause a pretty severe negative reaction, so anyone with her will definitely need to help. If it happened in public, best to get her away from everyone as quick as possible, and try to bring her back to the present if she's stuck in her own head - you can usually tell if she flinches away from being touched. Once she's 'back', she'll still be pretty upset, but not quite as terrified. She'll never admit it aloud, but she usually wants a lot of comfort and reassurance, and won't fight it if someone wants to help her get cleaned up or fusses over her a little. Physical affection is something she particularly craves, and while she often can't get the words out, she may cuddle into the person helping her's side or hold her arms out for a hug, if she's relatively certain she won't be pushed away. Bedwetting isn't quite as bad, though naturally she'll still be very upset and embarrassed - usually she just wants a little reassurance that it can happen to anyone, and maybe a hand changing the bedsheets.

23. Do they get upset or embarrassed over an accident or do they shrug it off? 

As mentioned above, very VERY upset and embarrassed. It'll probably leave her shaken for a good few hours, if not the rest of the day.

24. What’s the last time they had a genuine full-on accident? How old were they?

She was in her 400s, it happened fairly recently - she was with a friend and they attended a fancy event together, as said friend needed to keep an eye out for trouble. She drank a lot of tea and was too scared to tell him that she had to go for fear of interrupting his work, and ended up having an accident at the worst moment...

25. Have they ever wet themself deliberately? Would they consider doing it?

It's always been an accident so far, and it will almost certainly stay that way. It would take a pretty extreme circumstance for her to even consider wetting deliberately - like, she'd have to be in significant pain and with absolutely no hope of relieving herself anytime soon, and it would take a LOT of coaxing and reassurance from someone she trusts.

26. Do they tend to wait too long or do they go when they feel the urge for the first time?

She almost always waits too long because she's too embarrassed to let anyone find out she has to go. This leads to her either being reluctant to tell whoever she's with that she needs a potty break, or she'll hold it for much too long while she's working so that no-one sees her slipping away to the bathroom.

27. Do they have a weak / small or strong / big bladder?

She has a pretty big bladder after so many years of holding, though it's not the strongest for that same reason - never letting the muscles rest will eventually weaken them...

28. What helps them cope when they have to go but can’t? What makes it worse?

Distractions help a lot - if she has something interesting enough to focus on, she can almost forget her need completely. Conversely, being reminded of peeing will make it a lot worse, especially people talking or joking about it.

29. Is there any type of drink (or food) that goes right through them?

Just standard diuretics, the same way they would go through anyone.

30. Do they wake up to pee at night or do they sleep through? Do they ever wake up desperate or in the middle of an accident? Do they have pee dreams?

Kyder is a D&D elf, and the lore books say elves actually don't sleep, they 'trance' for 4 hours a night, which is like a state of semi-conscious meditation, so this doesn't really apply here... She does wake up desperate most mornings though, and will try to relieve herself first thing after getting out of bed.

31. Do they ever pee in odd places / in public? What’s the weirdest place they’ve ever peed in? Were they drunk / on meds, sleepwalking, super desperate, etc.?

She tries not to, but it's certainly come to that a few times - not really in public though, thankfully. But she has ducked into one of the guest rooms around the castle she works in to use the chamber pot if she was too embarrassed or nervous to use one of the bathrooms, which she would consider weird. The weirdest place by far though was when she and a friend were out and had to use a public bathroom that was literally just two toilets side by side, no privacy... And they were both too desperate to wait for the other to go first. She managed to use it though, and her friend said he was proud of her so she considers it a win!

32. What’s the most desperate they’ve ever gotten past childhood and did they make it?

Oh goodness... So many scenarios for this! But probably the time she put it off a little too long during work one day and ended up having an accident in front of one of the other guards... It could have ended in disaster, but she was VERY lucky that it happened to be in front of the only guard she's actually close with, and he managed to calm her down, though he ended up finding out about her past from it...

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medical / childhood stuff (feel free to skip this ofc)

33. At what age were they potty trained? Were they ever potty-trained? (lol, I hope)

I've never been entirely certain, but I'll say she was a little younger than 2 when the whole potty training process started - though she was absolutely not ready to be potty trained at the time and probably would have benefitted from slightly longer in diapers until she had a better grasp on her body, but her parents wanted her trained as soon as possible... The end result was that, although her potty training started when she was a little younger than 2, she couldn't actually reliably make it to the potty until she was about 3. It was... A long year for all involved...

34. Same question as above but with bedwetting. When did they stop? Do they have one-off accidents in specific situations? (alcohol, nightmares, deep sleep?)

Seeing as elves trance instead of sleep, this made bedwetting much more shameful, especially since it was a common occurrence for her as a child. Thankfully she learned how to change her own bedsheets at a very young age, and since they had maids to do all the washing, her parents were none the wiser when she was too tired to wake up at night and go to the bathroom. Thankfully she outgrew it once her bladder got a little bigger, and these days bedwetting is pretty uncommon - though not impossible. It's been known to happen if she repeatedly pushes her bladder to its limits during the day before, or if something particularly upsetting happened and the memory comes back to haunt her at night.

35. Were they accident-prone as a kid? Are they still like that or did it get better with age?

She was extremely accident-prone as a child, mostly because her parents often wouldn't let her go when she needed to, and she could never hold it for the unreasonable lengths of time that they expected. She's less accident-prone now, but only because she goes to extreme lengths to avoid them, even barely drinking anything throughout the day sometimes. It's a habit she's trying her best to break, as it often makes her sick...

36. Do they wear protection or did they wear it in the past? (past baby/toddler-age)

That's... A question that depends heavily on the AU and who I'm RPing her with. In her current world, it's a solid "no and never going to happen", but there have been a few AUs where she has, though I won't go into details here since I don't want to tag this.

37. Do they have any medical issues that make them have to pee more / have frequent accidents? If yes, how do they deal with them? Do they take meds?

Not really, though as mentioned above, her bladder isn't the strongest from too much holding over the years. This also leaves her more vulnerable to UTIs than most, but she has some basic healing magic that can clear them up before they cause too much trouble - though she'll sometimes suffer through them for a day if she's afraid of 'wasting' her magic on herself when she might need it for something else, in which case she'll wait to heal herself until night time when she can recharge her magic straight after using it.

38. Does anyone know about said issues? Do they talk about them openly or not? (out of embarrassment? fear of bad reactions? because no one ever asks?)

She almost never talks about this issue due to the obvious shame, and her partner is the only one who knows, because he's seen her healing herself from UTIs so often.

39. Do they have some trauma related to omo (being mocked / scolded / yelled at for an accident, bullying, weird / scary encounters in public bathrooms, etc.)

Ah, here we go - the epicentre of where this all started. As mentioned above, she was potty trained before she was fully ready and often wasn't allowed to go when she had to - this was mostly because her parents are rich nobles and completely obsessed with their own image. They never really wanted a child, they wanted a miniature adult that they could dress up and parade around and brag about. As you can imagine, this led to a lot of verbal and emotional abuse when she was obviously incapable of being what they wanted, and a fair amount of neglect too since they didn't want to actually take care of her, and she was mostly left for the maids to deal with unless they wanted to show her off to someone... And being shown off was the worst part. They would always drag her to fancy balls and events, and expect her to stand there quietly and only speak when spoken to, never move or ask for anything or need anything. This would have been an impossible ask for any small child, but a neurodivergent child who was sensitive to the sound of lots of overlapping chatter, AND already developing anxiety and a severe distrust of people? Forget it. Each time she got upset or 'acted out', the rules would become more and more strict, and she would be punished more and more severely until eventually she managed to stay completely silent and still... But this left another problem. She still didn't have the strongest control over her bladder, and a lot of the fancy parties they were attending could last almost all day. She would of course be scolded and silenced as soon as she tried to tell her mother or father that she had to go, they would insist it was impolite to say it aloud, especially around others. Squirming or fidgeting in place also resulted in anger and scolding, because apparently that was rude too. It would never take long before she had an accident, which would usually draw the attention of everyone else... Though the stuck-up nobles that her parents were friends with never spared her any sympathy when this happened. It almost always ended with her being physically punished in front of everyone - her father carried a cane and wasn't afraid to use it. There was nothing she could do to escape this fate for most of her childhood, until she eventually became capable of holding it until they went back home, but that took a long time and required her to dehydrate herself for most of the day. It took years for her to work through even some of the trauma and get past her fear of fancy events and balls, they only cause moderate anxiety these days... But as mentioned above, accidents can still send her back there in an instant.

40. Did they ever have an accident or extremely close call while sick?

She doesn't get sick very often, but when she does, it hits HARD. That probably makes close calls a common occurrence when she feels too sick to get out of bed, unless someone's there to lift her onto the chamber pot every few hours.