#and if one day you decide that you hate me & genuinely never want me aroudn anymore

[jujuubee]

Sometimes I see things or rmemeber something randomnly and I get this overwhelming urge to reach out to you…tell you how much I miss you, ask what’s been going on in your life, send you fucked up shit like I used to. But it’s just not my place to be your friend anymore. i respect the fact you don’t want me aroudn anymore and so I’m just waiting, I guess for forever until you one day decide that this is stupid. Bc what else am I gonna do lmfao. It’s incredibly painful to lose someone that was so foundational to who you are as a person. So much of the good in me came from you, bc you taught me how to be a normal person. & now it’s like, the last 10 years I just compare everyone to you. But no one can ever meet that standard bc I have you on such a fucking pedestal. You’re the only person I’ve never hated, disliked, been disgusted by. & that’s why it hurts even more lmfao. I would’ve never done this to you. Prob anyone else but not you. & I don’t get how you can do it so easily. And even still I don’t hate you or dislike you I just understand. It hurts my feelings but I understand. I’m always hoping that one day you’ll wake up and want to fix things. Life is just very empty without your presence & even tho I fucjed up I know you feel the same. Never thought we’d be here, only getting updates about each other through the grapevine. Even the happy birthday text was just a fucjing hollow considering every year you were in LA we FaceTimed on our birthdays for fucjing 8 hours. So what does a text even mean compared to that. But I’m happy I even got one bc I don’t deserve even that. It’s crazy to be torn between validating that I never deserve to talk to you again & also feeling that I can be forgiven & we can work on this bc that’s what real friends do. We’re not even friends we’re fucming family like. There’s so much I have to tell you, from my own mouth, not mutual friends we’re missing out on so much of each others lives, big fucking moments & like what’s the point of it. Why is it so difficult to just confront the problem. That’s the worst fuckign thing about you, you’d rather run away & pretend shit doesn’t exist rather than dealing w it. And I get it, but for something so major like…man up. You always made me man tf up so why can’t you. In 2 fucming years you still haven’t figured out what to say? Like come on…I don’t know if I’ll ever lead a complete & fulfilling life if you’re not there, idk if I can go another fucking year like this. It feels like I’m stuck. All my progress in life, emotionally, mentally, interpersonally, I’m just fucjing stuck until you come back. Bc it’s like nothing else is as important as this. I can’t be a normal fucjing perosn and have normal attachments and do normal fucjing shit w my life until we fix this. I’m always gonna be hung up on the fact I ruined the most important relationship I’ll ever have. Always hung up on the fact that the one person that ever knew me & would never leave me did anyway. So how can I even try to let anyone else know me? How can I even try and fucking fix the shit in my brain lmfao. And no one gets it. No one understands why I have to talk about it so much and why I still cry about it every fucking day & everkne is so fucming tired of dealing w me & it’s so funny bc they don’t even know what I’m actually like LMFAO not like yoh do so it jsut further validates that I’m a horrible unloveable perosn by anyone but you and if even you got tired of me like what now LMFAO