#and it also caused me sever identity crisises

[katyspersonal]

/internalized biphobia vent

I have been feeling pretty bad about something else for about a month now, but I've been trying to neglect it hoping it would go away on its own.. did not help that I do not know who TO talk about it with. And I know ever since I've split with arguably the closest person I've ever had in my life, I've been having multiple identity crisises anyways, trying to remember who WAS I before them.

But, while I've been psychologically vulnerable, takes like "why women say they're bisexual and then never show attraction to women" got under my skin...? You know how acknowledging the fact of breathing makes you lose the 'automatization' of this process and you start paying attention to it? This is kinda what happened with me and attraction to women (and female characters, since as an autist I interact and explore myself vicariously through fiction 80% of the time). I've been attracted to women since childhood and even before I knew being gay or bi was a thing, I've been expressing that attraction since then and until this point without thinking about it; but now I started to think about it. Noticing it, in the same way as trying to take breaths intentionally. Have I been liking men (male characters) """too much""" recently, to the point of not seeming like I like women too? Have I mentioned liking at least one girl? Have I fantasized about wlw relationship today?

So since I've "forgotten how to breathe because of acknowledging the fact", it started to cause me severe discomfort. It used to be automatic, but stopped being so. I've just listened a little too many takes having to do with not really liking / caring about the girls. The side effect though is even worse? Honestly? I am struggling against the idea of "requalifying" as either a confused heterosexual or a confused lesbian upon figuring out which gender I like """more""" and repressing other attraction. ...except this is NOT how it works, this is how it will NEVER work, and it has NEVER worked this way and sexuality can't be changed (otherwise all the homophobic parents would've been able to influence their gay kids lol). Yet I started to perceive that weird "limit" of liking men, and how much, past which I should remember to like a woman...? I feel like 'not bi enough' if I do not """balance""" the attraction between genders and thus embarrassing myself with liking men. I feel... "dirty"? No matter who I like now? And declaring myself 'straight now' or 'confused lesbian' feels like an escape I am yearning for. I have insentive for both; I initially liked women and attraction to men was something that came to me much later in life, but it doesn't feel "internalized" so what if at some point I was "reborn" on my own terms?

All in all, this discomfort just won't go away. I guess with feeling like I am 'not enough', I am also feeling 'invisible'. Like if no one will "believe" me that I am bi if I am not "proving" it. I start to understand why many people prefer to put up a flag for their identities or put them in the bio. I decided against it because I want to prove a point that it should not matter. That people should not care what my gender or sexuality is, but only should care about what I say or my art or all that. So, if it should not influence how people will perceive me, then I should not address it right off the bat but instead only bring it up casually. And yet, I start to understand the stress of being "invisible".

Sigh.. I guess I just need to recover that sense of inner piece where I knew who I was and was content with it, and perception of others didn't matter. The period between losing an extremely close person and healing is full of need for validation because I've forgot how to be an individual, so sure I have a crisis, and not just one. It is no one's fault if their expression of genuine confusion could destabilize someone online...? It is virtually impossible to control the stereotypes or confusion people outside of [identity] will get. But, it IS possible to control the level of how much social validation is needed. I am just really vulnerable to questioning of my identity for now, and it is up to me to regrow that confidence and inner peace.