#and it is kinda ridiculous because i'll be 25 soon. and i'm still clinging onto my mother
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#my mom has started talking abt moving...#and it is kinda ridiculous because i'll be 25 soon. and i'm still clinging onto my mother#i *want* to be independent and live on my own. but i think i'm too weak to do it.#and her just talking about moving away soon makes me feel extreme dread and fear...#(she also says i should stay in this apartment and have it on my own. she says it in a loving way tho. she wants me to grow up)#(but i dont want to.... so many parts of my childhood are missing from me. i dont think i can)#(the thought of being resonsible for rent... finding a job... fear of being without a home.. too much)#i dont want to... and if i dont live with my mother i'll have NO ONE to talk to#i'll be so lonely... for real... i will probably not talk with anyone at all. and just spend my existence on my own#my mom is the only one i have... how can i live without her???? she's also my only friend#what am i gonna do what am i gonna do... im so scared#i feel so alone :((#i dont know how im gonna fix this or what im gonna do#when i talk to my mom... she's understanding she is. but we both know i cant spend the rest of my life living with her#she also wants her own life T-T and it'd be embarrassing to stick with her thru my entire 20s... 30s.. 40s... idk#i have to be on my own but i dont want to#im also scared that with my avpd... i'll grow distant from her and never feel truly connected to her again#she doesnt understand my personality disorder. even if i try to explain she just dont get it!!!!#i'll always be alone and disconnnected from everyone. esp if i dont even have my mom...#i just wanna d1e ngl.. :(#💭diary
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