#(but i dont want to.... so many parts of my childhood are missing from me. i dont think i can)

[wiinterbunny]

... 📓🖊

[vzp1kl]

𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐈 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞?

• you and Matthew were the closest, but when he was starting in movies, everything changed..

• Note: Please understand that English isn't my strongest language, and if I made any mistakes, I'm truly sorry.

• I had made this story months ago, and I had changed a lot of the parts of the story to make it longer.

• There are no warnings in this just a story with two parts. Enjoy! (I will make a part two!)

You and Matthew were best friends since childhood. You guys had great memories, but as both of you grew older, both of you took different career paths. Matthew started in movies while you started your own business that was pretty successful through the years.

Years went by, and you guys started to fall apart. Even though you were friends, it didn't mean one of you had feelings for one in another. You never get to talk to him because he was a successful actor when you were a businesswoman. You couldn't help yourself but to amire from afar. Seeing him acting in moives made you proud of him. Losing contact with him was really hard. Losing that connection you had with him was broken glass everywhere it really hurt when you cut yourself in the glass and try to fix it.

Years went by, and by no call, no message, no voice mail, nothing. It was already around the 2000s. You found a sweet and gentle man. Things went well with him. Both of you hit it off and started to date, then in 2004, the year you and him got engaged and married. Things started well. You both had stable jobs. You and him never thought of having a family yet..?

After a year you got married, you got a random caller you didn't know who it was so you answered it then that's when you heard his voice it was Matthew calling you. "Hey, Y/n it been a while. How are you?". You wanted to cry hearing his voice after so many years. Memories started to replay in your mind with him. "Hey Matthew, yeah, it's been a while... I've been good. How about you? I have seen your movies me and my husband really love them." When Matthew heard you say 'husband', he knew it was already too late to say he loves you.

"Your husband?... you got married? Didn't you see the letters I have sent you?" When he mentioned letters you were confused you never got a letter from him your husband usually gets the mail when he comes from work but letters? He never told you about letters from Matthew. "Matthew, I don't know what you're talking about. I never gotten a single letter. Matthew, what letter? Please, I dont what letters!... I'm really sorry but I have to go... it was nice talking to you.." Before he could answer, you hung up.

Matthew pov:

'How can I be so stupid? Did I really lose her? Gosh, what was I thinking I should've called before I sent those letters.' Matthew couldn't stop thinking about you and the conversation he had with you. He was sitting there just disappointed in himself and how he missed every opportunity that he could just to be with you. All those memories he had with you came back into his mind and how much he actually wanted to be with you. "Was I really too late? Too late to love her?"

@angeldiarybook

[kaeyapilled]

hey! your kaeya takes are so real!!! I was wondering if you had any good fic recs?? I want to read something that has good kaeya characterization (+bonus if it's ragbros that isn't just them crying and hugging it out like you were talking about) and am tired of scrolling through tags

!! omg thank you im so honored to hear that people like my takes lol

fic recs huh!! i have some!! do you mind it if most of them are about child kaeya? (i hadnt realized how many of my bookmarks focused on his childhood until i went through them all lmao) hopefully it isnt all stuff youve already read before! here goes:

A Horse Makes for a Stable Life by FollowerofMercy – Wanting to test the boundaries of his host’s goodwill, Kaeya asks for a pony for his birthday. He didn’t expect Crepus to deliver. Or, the story in which things get uncomfortably real for young Kaeya.

do you like kaeya and crepus interactions!! because this fic explores their dynamic in suuuuch a nice way that felt very refreshing to see portrayed!! perfect ratio of hurt to comfort in my opinion. overall quite lighthearted compared to my other recs though lol. good exploration of kaeyas inner conflict since a young age. yeah i love it and recommend it

I'm gonna miss your love when it's gone by imaginarypasta – A selection of scenes from Kaeya's childhood related to his relationships with his fathers, and all they have led him to be.

this one is so good!!!! i feel like its rare to see kaeyas biological father portrayed as anything other than a heartless asshole, and this fic explored kaeyas relationship with him in such a nice manner that makes for a very melancholic and. i guess bittersweet story that takes into consideration the nuance of the situation in a way that i really dont see super often. the parts about kaeyas relationship w crepus are also really well done i love it. oh and the khaenri'ah lore the author takes some liberty with is really really interesting!!

not bad for a walk on death's doorstep by b_attery – Fear is a knife’s edge. Fear is a killer. Fear is how you know you’re still alive.

my bookmark of this work said "literally the best kaeya character study ive ever read" and honestly i still stand by that. the word flow is great and the exploration of fear as such an intrinsic part of kaeya's life and as the driving force for most of his actions and feelings and responses. it's so good!!! this one contemplates kaeyas childhood both before and after his arrival in mondstadt and goes until after diluc's return. absolutely recommend it!!

Hundred-Watt Light by pepperjuice – A story about ten years of contingency plans and holding your own hand. (Because how else are you supposed to live with a weight too big to hold all alone?)

this. this rewired my brain forever. this holds the title of best kaeya character study ever along with the previous one i talked about. definitely mind the tags because it primarily deals with suicidal ideation and thoughts so, if that's a trigger then it's best to not read this one lol but still it is SO good and it explores kaeya's inner conflicts and awful coping mechanisms after having such a heavy burden thrusted upon him at an extremely early age with no good support of any kind. i absolutely love this fic it's very dear to me and i think about it sooo often it truly altered my brain chemistry

things fall apart by kernsing – Happy eighteenth, Diluc.

finally some ragbros content! sadly it isnt the reconciliation you asked for it's about when things fell apart. this is one of my favorite ever renditions of how it all went down on That Day - it reshaped some of my own headcanons, actually. this one is more from diluc's pov than kaeya's, and it's written really really well, and explores diluc's grief over his father's death in SUCH an amazing and interesting way!! and the way it parallels kaeya's own emotions and that is exactly what causes them to fight is extremely tasty i loved it. read it it's good

okay i can probably find some more but this is enough for one post i think. deeply sorry for not delivering the good ragbros reconciliation content.. i tbh haven't gathered a lot.. but i hope you and whoever else reads this enjoys these! thank you for the ask <3

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

HIII THABK U FOR THE TRIVIA AND ASHE SONG before i take forever 2 answer those or forget here is a blank ticket to please please talk about prime defenders and their AWFUL emotional literacy and processing skills i would literally love to read that essay so much ive also been thinking about it incessantly. big eyes staring up at u.png. ok ok peace out GOODNIGHT !!!! <33

i lied actually im not going to bed im judt thinking about this ans listening to St. John on a loop now. hello catkiss.gif i forgot how youve filled me with so much joy. that cat is so fuckign cute

anyway. hi :) prime defenders huh. this is gonna be less of an essay and more of a sleepy ramble but ohhh i have so many thoughts. they all process things so differently and none of them are good at it they all need therapy so bad. ms.g where is the hero therapy why didnt you build that into w.a.t.c.h ma'am

vyncent is probably the best at actually processing things out of all of them, he just internalizes everything to the point where he wont talk about it unless hes pushed past the breaking point. vyncent is actually very.. emotionally intelligent? i want to say mature but that feels like im singling him out because hes the oldest. i just feel like because he grew up on Fauna and had to be in basically survival mode in a world full of monsters trying to kill you.. that makes a person grow up quicker than they should. i think vyncent had a good childhood and for the most part his parents took good care of him but just.. living in that world doesnt seem like it leaves room for a whole lot of expressing emotions. vyncent is good at quick analysis of a situation, but unless a problem directly interferes with the current goal he doesnt externalize it to everyone else. but bottling up his feelings and emotions just builds up pressure over time until something like the lich makes him blow up and let it all out at once, usually in a dramatic monologue format bc condi is really good at those god damn it. also they played off the fact that vyncent said all of that to the lich and then missed his attack as a funny thing but i like to think of it as. he got too overwhelmed w his emotions and lashed out too soon it made his fighting messy. vyncent is so angry and honestly after what hes been through he deserves to be !!!!

william wisp. my boy. god hes just like me fr so much so that it physically hurts sometimes. anyway. i always think back to the scene where theyre all in the cabin talking about themselves/sharing backstories and william keeps desperately trying not to talk about himself. the fact that hes so ashamed of his powers he hides wisp form every time. two of his powers are LITERALLY a) turning invisible and b) turning intangible, usually as an excuse to leave whatever situation hes in ("accidentally" falling through the floor at opportune moments in season 1) . theres. a thing that happens at the end of episode 13/beginning of epidode 14 that youre really close to and i wont spoil yet but god it has to do with this so extremely much please come back to my inbox when you get there. youll know what it is trust me. um. yeah. so anyway. i think a lot of this comes from a place of. he doesnt want anyone to be scared of him. williams not stupid hes incredibly smart and insightful he knows his powers are objectively SCARY. hes scared of himself constantly, he doesnt want anyone else to feel that way about him, so he shifts focus whenever those aspects of himself are brought up because if someone were to think about it for any amount of time theyd realize the truth that hes scary and dangerous to be around (<< william logic. hey remember how one of the reasons he originally left deadwood was because the monsters there were attracted to the wisps and therefore Him so he left to keep his friends/family out of danger)

i think a lot about williams death and the immediate aftermath, i dont know how much you actually know and how much of this comes later but . how does he go home after waking up from that. his parents know about his powers, so they MUST know what happened. what do you think he told them when he god home muddy and dirty and broken and probably bloody after being missing for. god knows how long. how does he look his mother in the eyes and tell her her little boy is dead. but hes also not because hes standing right in front of her. how the fuck do you think he felt the first time he went into wisp form and saw his body laying there !!! of course he wouldnt want to talk about that!!!! youre gonna have to pry william wisps emotions from his cold dead hands !!!!!!!

dakota's response to the ashe situation was to run away in the woods and do nothing but train for 10 months. he didnt think about it for 10 months. i dont even have a whole lot to say about dakota other than like. stunned silence whenever his inability to process trauma is brought up because grizzly does such an incredible job at being like "you ask dakota how hes doing and his face is just blank" << paraphrased actual quote from an episode i cannot remember which one. either 11 or 12 ?

also because im thinking about him im including ashe in this. we didnt get to see a whole lot of his canon reactions to extreme emotional situations so a lot of this is just coming from My Mind but ashe seems like hed be the type to repress a lot of his emotions too. being alone in your house/in your room for extended periods of time will do that to a guy. i think he feels a lot of things and will probably very openly cry/scream/get angry when hes alone but as soon as he knows another person is there he can immediately flip the switch to turn it all off like nothing happened. very much a deadpan "im fine." if someone asks how hes doing, even if hes got like. the remainder of tear tracks down his face. cannot physically express his emotions in the presence of someone else

[honeytonedhottie]

Hello, tbh I am very open here because you give me big sister vibes so the question (if you don't have time to read through everything): How do I like (if this makes sense) factory reset my mind,body and soul (if you know what I mean) like start from scratch, let go of my past and how I missed all my childhood days. I don't mind the process I want to improve...self concept tips, I am super lost, how do I get my life together...where do I start? quick summary for clear understanding, the coming years in my life is huge because college and moving out of my home tbh the past few years I was and still am not up to the mark but I want to do better, like my mind is always racing and my body looks good (ik) but I am not that healthy. P.S. I am always grateful for your work, waiting for your reply, with love cam.

hi cam 💗 thanks for the question i'd love to help as much as i possibly can 💗💗💗

RESET ; to start off, understand that every minute, second, every time u BREATHE thats a clean state. a clean canvas for u to paint out whatever u want ur reality to look like. if u dont know ab loa i HIGHLY recommend understanding it bcuz your life WILL change, and my blog is a good source to get started on ur loa journey

so u can always start from scratch again as many times as u want 💗

LETTING GO OF THE PAST ;

mental - i noticed that u mentioned u missed childhood days, so if therapy is accessible to u, then invest in therapy. but if ur resources r limited rn that start journalling, shadow work, inner child work etc

i have shadow work prompts and self healing resources on my blog, so thats a place to start <3

once u take the time to explore the deepest depths of ur psyche and ur habits, ur trauma, and urself in general, we have ENDLESS sources online that can help u manage and deal with them.

physical - practice self care, start moving ur body in ways that feel good for you, take time to work on the big parts, and the little details of ur appearance bcuz it'll make u feel a lot better if u feel like u look good.

health - start consuming foods that are good for ur body. start small, little by little every day and eventually it'll snowball into completely different eating habits. make sure that ur seeing ur doctor when u should if ur having health problems but most health problems can be solved with the way that u eat, and the quality of food that u consume.

goals and focus - know what ur goal is. know what ur aiming for and then do actions that align with who u wanna be

goals and focus is the most important category bcuz since every individual is so different and unique and since we all have different goals and aspirations, u need to know where ur going. where u are right now, and where u wanna be. thats something for YOU to decide, but when u have a clear picture of where u wanna be then you'll know how to get started on it.

when u have a goal this creates passion, and when motivation isn't enough, we have discipline and passion. so becoming passionate about ur life and ur goals will help u stay on the right track.

some other things that help :

mentors - mentors dont have to be ppl that u know, they can simply be ppl who have similar goals and morals as u and that u admire

hobbies

practicing gratitude

journaling (im a huge advocate for journaling)

support from the ppl around u

[keii-starz]

answer any or all I wanna know more about you 👁️👁️

Do you have freckles? 

 Do you drink tea or coffee? How do you take it? 

What was the last song you listened to? 

Do you sleep on your back, stomach or side? 

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? 

Do you prefer drawing or writing? 

What’s your ideal number of blankets to sleep with? 

What’s your favorite band/artist? 

When is your birthday? 

How tall are you? 

What color are your eyes? 

Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now? 

Fears? 

What’s your favorite color? 

What’s your favorite season? 

Want any tattoos? What of? 

Want any piercings? Where? 

Who is the last person you texted? 

Do you have a best friend? How long have you been friends? 

What/who do you miss? 

How was your day today? 

How much sleep did you get last night? 

Do you believe in aliens? 

When was the last time you cried? Why? 

What’s your favorite decade? 

What are some seemingly childish things you like? 

What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times? 

How are you, really? 

Does it take you a long time to make decisions? 

What are you looking forward to in the near future? 

What are you looking forward to in the distant future? 

If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? 

Do you sleep with your door open or closed? 

What’s your favorite flower? 

Do you currently have a squish? 

Do you like your middle name? 

Do you prefer dogs or cats? 

Do you have any phobias? 

Do you stay up late?

Do you like the beach? Do you prefer it sunny or cloudy? 

What’s your favorite cartoon? 

Tag 5 of your favorite blogs

Do you have siblings? How many? 

Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? 

Is there anyone you would die for? 

What do you need when you’re sad? 

Have you memorized your phone number? 

Who’s someone you can trust with your life? 

What does your last text say? 

Wild Card. Any question, ask away. 

1. I wish (no) 😔

2. I drink both!!! but I don't drink coffee that often, and when I do, it's only if it has milk and sugar in it! when I drink tea, I usually drink milk tea, or I add milk to my matcha tea, but sometimes I just drink regular tea!

3. DAYDREAM by HIGHLIGHT!!!

4. I sleep on my back, but I actually prefer sleeping on my side!! I just dont sleep on my side most of the time because I sleep with headphones on, and its kinda uncomfortable sleeping on my side with headphones on

5. yes!! my little teddy bear that I got from my bestie!!! I named him lucy

6. hmm I love both a lot, but I'd say drawing!

7. ummm it doesn't really matter for me but I'll say teo because of my blanket I've had since childhood (its too small to cover me now so ofc I have to use another blanket)

8. hmm for band, it'd be LUCY!!! (K-band) I think the violin in their music makes their songs sound even nicer! but my fav part is obv sangyeop's soft voice :3

but for artists in general...hmm there's quite a few, so I'll name them by language! 1. CRAVITY (korean boy group), ZICO (korean soloist, k-hiphop), COLDE (korean soloist, k-r&b), 2. yoh kamiyama (japanese), TUYU (japanese band), 3. jeremy zucker, suggi (english)

9. february 11!

14. sage green!!

15. autumn! not too cold or hot, and not as much bugs!

19. I do! we've been friends since 4th grade!

21. it was great!!! I had so much fun and got to eat a lot of good food!!

24. sometime last week, I think tuesday..I think it had smth to do with my insecurities or like. how I keep getting the feeling I'm not wanted

28. my mental and physical states both suck a ton, but since I've returned home for spring break, im trying to convince myself to not worry about anything and just think of this as a lil vacation just until this is over

31. im definitely looking forward to moving out of my mom's house or just not staying with my family in general...I want to get an apartment where I feel relaxed at when I turn into an adult

32. if I could go anywhere right now...I would probably go to my aunt's house in florida..tbh, I wouldn't say her cooking's (sorry auntie 😔) the best, but I'd probably feel way...calmer? there and less likely to cry so often

34. my favorite flower is the star of bethlehem!!! it's really really pretty!!! im pretty sure it's a poisonous flower tho lol

39. all the time 😊

42. I prefer cloudy days! sunny days are nice, but I don't like getting the sun in my eyes very much, plus the sky is prettier with clouds :3

44. 5 of my fav blogs: @azulashengrottospiano @dove-da-birb @twistwonderlanddevotee @alexisomnias @l7k-a

45. I have 2 siblings! an older brother and younger sister, who is the youngest, but if I didn't tell u this and you met us both irl, you'd probably think shes the older one based on height and personality lol

47. I would die for any of my friends in a heartbeat

48. music!!! I CANNOT go without my music I tell u!!!

49. nope!!! you see, my phone doesn't tell me my phone number, so I always have to ask other people what it is 😐 (my other phone did tho)

50. uhhh hmmm this one is really hard bcuz I don't think I know anyone irl who I can trust with my life but probably...no one..?

[yaeran]

+ show up will you?

kamisato ayato

ah he won’t show up again you assume. still, how many times has this happened it’s almost as if he asks you out on dates just to not go. all for fun, his entertainment. you should’ve expected it from a guy of high class like him. he probably just has you for convenience however he was also your childhood friend he wouldn’t treat you like this. sometimes he had good reasons for not showing up anyways.

that was how you felt on the 7th date he missed. you couldn’t blame him tho especially when it wasn’t even a bad relationship. it was amazingly fun and its great when you’re both together but his priorities were shit. why ask you out when he doesn’t have the damn time. did he just want to claim you cause you were available?

“why are we even dating” you thought and your heart stopped for a moment. were doing so well tho. i did not just think that. right?

your phone buzzed,

ayato: cant make it, sorry. i love you so much lets meet tomorrow.

but you were already sitting at the restaurant. you had to order something but you hated eating alone. you ran your hands through your hair and sighed.

+

“im tired of it.”

the man finally showed up one date but you decided it was gonna be your last. he was slurping his noodles but paused, his eyes directed onto you. “what?”

“i don’t wanna do this anymore,” you fiddle with your utensils on your food.

he bit the noodles and swallowed, “yn, what are you talking about?”

“what’s the point of fucking dating anymore? you never show up to dates, sure we spend time together but its like for a few hours only,” you slightly yell catching the attention of others around you.

ayato was pretty lost. he placed down his utensils, “you dont think i give you enough, is that it?”

“no— no i just need more than just seeing you for 2 hours 4 times a week.”

“i can’t change that? you try handling even half of my work?”

“excuse me? its not wrong to have work its just that i want more time and if you cant grant me that then we should just part ways,” you say without looking at him in the eyes.

but it was all silent. you faced him and found tears in his eyes.

you don’t think you’ve ever seen him cry. he’s only ever cried at the funeral of his parents.

you did mean a lot to him and though he’d hate to say it, he also thought he was holding you back.

“very well,” he wiped his mouth with a tissue.

you nodded while you gathered your things to leave. as you stood up he clearly had more to say.

grabbing your arm he spoke, “im sorry i couldn’t grant you the love you wanted but i truly love you.”

he gently lets go.

you walked out the restaurant, you knew you’d regret and change your mind if you looked back. the blue haired man was hoping you would do exactly that. unfortunately for him, you have great resilience bit it was one of the many things he loved about you.

as you walked back home, he was drowning in sorrows in the restaurant, head on the table and whispered “say i love you back. please.”

[gutsfics]

1, 3, 9, 22, and 24 from the OC Interview Questions for Devi please!!!

yaaay thank you!!!! :3 ok im going Devi Mode now >:3

1. Who makes up your family?  How close are you to them?

well there's my mom and dad, and i have an older sibling, Avery, and two older sisters, Kennie and Satomi. im pretty close with all of them, especially my parents! tbh though it kinda feels like the five years i was dead made me miss a lot of my siblings' lives so theres like a sort of.... glass wall? i think? thats five years i cant get back, and they're all enough older than me that i wasnt really raised "with" them so much as i was raised after them, you know?

also Noah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Noah's been such a big part of my (un)life that it would be wrong not to call him family <3 plus also hes my boyfriend :3

3. What is your favorite childhood memory?

so Jane's favorite fruit is-- um... was [he looks kinda sad for a moment, but shakes it off] blackberries, but she was allergic to the brambles so when it was blackberry season, i'd crawl into bushes to get the juciest berries for her

anyway the september before, um.... she got a bit sick in september and i wanted to cheer her up so Noah and i went to the biggest blackberry bush we'd found in the forest and i picked as many blackberries as i could for her while Noah kept me company (cuz he's also allergic so he couldnt join me in the bush). we werent as close back then as we are now, and i dont remember really what we talked about, but i remember that it was one of the last warm days of the year as the season changed, and the forest was so pretty and i felt like nothing could ever go wrong

its, um, kind of a sad memory. bittersweet, i mean. but its important to me

9. Are you a spiritual person? If yes, what do you practice?

now that's a really interesting question. i know that there is a sort of "higher power" that exists in the world, but it's not really God, or A God or anything consious really. its more like.... a membrane woven into the world that makes it what it is. like a membrane holding back some kind of juice? God Juice. and there's that spot in the mountains where the membrane has been punctured so more of God Juice is flooding out of that hole than there should be in the world, and i was part of that god juice, and i think that god juice is now a part of me? or it made me or something? and if i focus, really focus hard, i can kinda hear the way the universe sings? not always though

but um. i dont really know if that counts as spirituality. and i dont "practice" anything it just... kinda is? i try to be nice to people and the world but that doesnt feel like "practicing spirituality"

22. What’s the easiest way to flirt with you?

ummm haha ohh..... i dont really know how to answer that..... growing up i was usually either ignored or bullied so its always so weird whenever someone flirts with me. its always like, are you talking to me?? oh, no thanks. i already got a guy for that

and Noah's not really a flirty guy. he'll walk into the underworld to carry me back home, for sure, but he doesnt really do flirting. unless you count just open and honest statments about how you feel about someone as flirting? i'll flirt with him absolutely, but usually gets too flustered to flirt back. its really cute

24. What would you consider your main love language?

spending years of your life devoted to taking care of someone who's lost everything, through thick and thin, even when things get hard, on days when they dont seem particularly... connected to their humanity. just being a constant in their life, a lighthouse in the middle of a typhoon, grounding them when theyre too lost to find solid ground on their own. walking into the unknown to grasp their soul and bring them back from the brink, even if that means everything changes, even if it means you yourself could get stuck yourself. would you still love me if i was a worm. would you still care for me i had nothing to give you but my company and my love, even if my company doesnt mean my touch or my conversation. would you still love me if i couldn't remember who you were.

um.

sorry. what was the question?

oh right! i think my love language is physical touch and acts of service and quality time. both giving and receiving them.

[themolldollincident]

Oh, the horrors, oh the delights, etc

I do not want to be this type of animal etc? Not anymore! I have found the type of animal i DO wish to be, and it's me! Only took me, what... 27 years? Am i 28 yet?... Am I 27?? 14?? I dont remember. But I'm glad to have Molly back with me. Molly is glad to finally have the life she wanted. And Molly can be me and can stop just holding all the sad shit. Very excited for this next bit. Foaming at the mouth, actually. I think im gonna make it till im 30!! ME, 30! Me, who was born from that one singular google search that made everything fall into place. Happier than ever, but robbed of a childhood by the world surrounding. And MOLLY'S gonna make it to 30, too!! MOLLY, my missing childhood, who grew stunted, immobile, and foggy under poor conditions and only got to thrive once in the sun for a brief moment before she died. (They made me kill her like we were two prisoners in an arena but i swear i was trying to love her). But i finally stopped trying to forgive her (since she should never have apologized) and we let ourselves forget about forgiving and fell into the mud and rolled around together and we laughed, actually, and she'd never laughed that hard before in her life. And now we are friends and we make out and hold hands in parking lots and do drugs and sell sex to strangers and we steal and we love and we admire and we feel awe and we fall into the vastness of joy without worrying about a landing. Because really thats all she always wanted to do, but they lied to her and told her she'd never be happy as the thing she wanted to be. But we've never been happier or more ourself now, and their god is nowhere to be seen (we've stolen a few of their foot soldiers, so he very rarely shows his face here. I can be in my room without him holding a gun to the back of my head!!!) Anyway. We're mad and we've been mad since 7 years old. So as you can imagine thats very few memories remaining before it all started. But its not a bad thing to rot sometimes as long as it sows the necessary vitamins for new growth. And the growth cycle is coming around again!! Right on schedule lol. I have so many things i desperately want to do, but the world is difficult, and my goals require a frugality that is so so tragic when you put that fragility - uh, sorry - frugality in front of that excitement and verve and lust for life and the urge to CREATE!!! But i dont need to rush. I have time. After all, im not even 30 yet. The most fun part hasn't even started. Its all about to get so much better i cant even imagine it. Poverty can slow me down, but it can only stop me by killing me. And babe im still alive after ALL THAT, aren't I?? So im doing my best. I have warm dry socks. Warm dry socks. Warm dry socks AND a few bills on autopay - well, blow me down! And MOST incredible of all, i have a new toy and a new place to feed my god. I've fed it there two days now, and it fills me with such excitement and joy!! I'm glad I stuck around, think i might just do it as long as i can.

[inflammatory]

HELLO I AM ABOUT TO WALK INTO MY ECONS FINAL BUT 1 & 3 & 4 please 😽😽

YAAAWWWW time for a maia win. AS on that AD until it GDPs i know your grade is gonna be inelastically good

1 who is the first artist you remember loving?

I was big into of monsters and men as a kid in addition to all the usual tumblr grunge suspects. If we go back even earlier to like 8 years old my vocaloid girlies <33333

Thats IA and gumi (i wasnt into miku because she wasnt like so #me . I was already developing the alternative agenda at 8. I mean i liked her and rin and len just fine but these two were like THE ones for me). Okay ovviously theyre not “artists” but i wasnt deliberately looking for who made what song i just liked their looks and sound and the type of music people made them sing. Wait im gonna use this as an excuse to link stuff

THIS ia track (six trillion years and one night story) is still a really good blend of traditional japanese scales and jpop intensity and was exactly the kind of grimdark headbanger kid me liked. The part that goes If this world could just be me and you and if everyone else would just disappear. that part will get me eternally. Also i realised i probably also liked these two because theyve actually got pretty realistic voices. Childhood blues by gumi has a really nice video with art that i used to be obsessed with

This is really a tangent but also i thought about vocaloid producers that i liked also and seriously neru was huge for suicidecore rock songs . Shockingly his stuff that i like is actually kind of recent like 2017? But in my opinion it was easier to get into specific vocaloid artists as a kid cause they had videos on youtube and violent beats so you could binge a whole discography as an easily bored young person . Anyway neru stuff is typically steeped in that Japanese high school melancholia, you know, school uniforms, blank expressions, desks flying everywhere. I really liked this one its pertinent for when youre in your very early preteens/teens and you dont like doing homework and youre convinced youre an evil and wicked human being

3 who is the artist you put on to make you smile?

LOVEEEE dominic fike and always gets me in a good mood. His songs have palpable swag even in purely audio format. Quality cuts that havent failed to improve my mood yet

4 which song rips your heart out?

Oh rips heart out is a very specific feeling and i kind of want to say erm that part in legally blonde from legally blonde the musical when she says some girls fight hard some face the trial some girls were just meant to smile. All my other sad songs are more of an ache kind of feel. Actually wait forget i said the legally blonde answer i dont listen to musicals ssshhhhhh its actually bye bye darling by børns now because i slammed back so many plays of it when my dog died

I mean like

Goodbye to the paperback age / I'll miss your touch

To flip you, crease you, lay underneath you, fall asleep to / Bye-bye darling I'll miss you so much

Welll……welllllllll….wellllllllllllllll

[spikeinthepunch]

Nostalgia Defense

I was going to wait to write this blog once I fixed my personal website's blog but, I hit a bit of a roadblock in the coding so, hello tumblr. The topic of this blog has been on my mind for ages and I think I just have a good way of expressing it.

The web revival movement brings up a lot of nostalgia, its definitely the driving point for a lot of folk. And it can be painful to some extent- yearning for the early web to come back, even though it cant. The movement brings me a lot of heartache too, but it also pushes me back to everything I wish I could have again.

If you were closeted or had 'over protective' parents that halted you from doing things you wanted to, I think its a relatable feeling. Being an adult now, I look back at my young years and wish I could have done so many things. The early 2000s nostalgia hits especially hard with how its become an "aesthetic" for many younger than I now. They're living the aesthetic they never experienced, and I am seeing the experience I never actually got to have being turned into a dream for teens wishing they had it too- but I never had it either. Not in the way I would have wanted.

I got on the internet, sure. I saw the older web. But what I missed? Its everything else about the public appearance of that era. I never got the cool fashion- I wasn't allowed to be scene or emo as much as I wished. I never got to go to all the concerts for my favorite rock and emo bands. I never had a website of my own. I didn't use old school forums because i was shy and thus had next to no social interactions. i didnt have a means to draw online for years, i dont have any classic early 2000s furry art. etc etc etc. The 'public' side of it, like concerts and clothing hit most though because thats what a lot of kids are distant to and see as some cool past thing they wish they were alive for. When reality is for me (and I am sure many others) I was alive then, and I didn't get to have that experience.

That alongside diving into making my own personal website has been building this feeling... and I have been trying to understand it. Because this kind of nostalgia hurts. It sucks that it hurts- it makes me upset and angry, and I feel like part of me wants to throw a tantrum about it and cry and hurt so loud. It sounds ridiculous but nostalgia has a grip on me, and I think its ever stronger due to the 'loss' of a proper childhood due to traumas/abuse etc.

So what conclusion have I come to? What can I do about this???

Well, I am sitting here now realizing, I can still do all that- or most of it. I am making the website I never got to make. A while back I got to see two of the bands I never got to see as a kid who are still active-- it was the best time I ever had and it hit me so hard to finally hear them live. I am getting the clothes and fashion I was never allowed to own. I think somewhere in my head I was always being dragged down by the past that was long gone, and thats fair- but it isn't really gone if I go and relive it now.

I will always be sad that I didn't have this as a kid, but there is no reason to not do it now. I will go wear the early 2000s clothes I wanted when I was 13. I will go to a Skillet concert or an Evanescence concert. I'll make my personal website to reflect all the ones I saw years ago. I can be nostalgic but I can't let it upset me and dread the present day, because the present day can be whatever I want it to be right now.

[eirian]

im gonna ramble about my old hetalia fandom experience and memories for a minute bc im feeling nostalgic. snip snip

so i got into hetalia in 2012 after seeing a screening with my friend @mephilesthegay at an anime con. i dont remember much about the process of me falling in love with it at the time, but i do remember tumblr was a huge influence on that--i discovered the ask blog community, which was SUPER huge in the hetalia fandom at the time, and i wanted in! so, i made askdeadpreussen, which was my first and most loved hetalia ask blog for an au of prussia where he was...dead. lol. b/c if u know hetalia u know that theres a whole thing about prussia being dead at some point

i think the ask blogs were what really drew me into the fandom part. i had multiple ask blogs--dead prussia to start, and then a BUNCH of 2ptalia blogs...even a 3p/4ptalia blog at one point! it was a fun way to interact with other fans and artists as well as work on my own art skills. i really do miss ask blog days ngl but my energy would not allow for that as much x'D

but ya like. i made so many friends from my hetalia days! i still have a couple :) we've all kind of moved on from it of course and gotten other interests, but we all still have that tying us together

its crazy how hetalia held so many different interest points for me. honestly the base hetalia concept wasnt necessarily what appealed to me (the whole humanized country thing); it was mostly the way the characters interacted with each other and their relationships as people rather than nations. that, and the whole au scene that came from them. oh my god the aus...even the canon ones! its crazy how many canon variants hetalia has. mochitalia, nyotalia, nekotalia, chibitalia (even tho chibitalia is just..them as children so its not rly an au per se)--i consider 2ptalia canon as well b/c the creator made it. but the fandom made so many cool aus themselves as well! demontalia and wingtalia and monstertalia were just a few that i remember and loved!

i think i was way more into 2ptalia than base hetalia anyway. 3p/4ptalia was a big interest by extension but not a lot of ppl really liked 3p/4ptalia. i was one of the weirdos that did x'D i just love "same but different" stuff !!!! i think thats where i got it from, was the 2p/3p/4ptalia stuff

hetalia really shaped a lot of who i am, at least in regards to interests and stuff. plus? the art style i had when i was big into hetalia is probably the best art style i ever had. it was definitely Me, and i still try to use it every now and then--you can see it in my "natural" art style that i try to use sometimes. hetalia really influenced my childhood for better or for worse, including my early art career lol

anyway. all of this to say despite its glaring flaws, i appreciate that hetalia was a part of my life at one point. for one reason or another it got me interested in learning new languages and learning about new cultures, which whether intentional or not, it happened, so theres also that. this isnt me praising it for being ~culturally explorative/appreciative~ or anything like that bc it obviously has its problems, but im just saying for me personally it did open up new worlds and ideas to me that i dont think i would have had if i hadnt been into it--friends, creative ideas, artistic expressions, fandom experiences...all of that was thanks to hetalia for me

so ya. end of ramble there lol

[sleepless-crows]

like ive always talked about how i felt like i had my childhood robbed from me not just because i was the eldest sibling but also because i missed out on so many experiences because of the pandemic and now i just have to grow up skipping out that whole part and how my cousin migrated halfway across the world, who i spent every day with from the ages 3-10 and her leaving sort of makes it more real how im leaving my childhood and now ill be in college in like 2 years and everything and everyone is constantly pressuring me and i had multiple breakdowns even just talking about it with other people and i dont want to grow up at all and somehow all of that is txt's discography like ??? how in the world does that even happen ???

[aftonfalk]

Here ye, here ye, enter the moody menstruating woman:

It is time for my monthly "2 days of hell and pain stay-cation", gonna watch "Ginger Snaps" in bed tonight, drink hot chocolate and take long ass baths. My last period I literaly had a few hours of cramps on the first day of bleeding, and those feelt like the first few hours of childbirthing cramps (atleast according to my mother) Horrible, during my last period I almost threw up from the pain and were screaming bloody murder and tossing myself around in bed, not how I want to spend my saturday 0/10.

Its not as bad as last month though💪🏼

On a more mental note:

In an hour Im gonna call a childhood friend of mine to talk some missunderstandings out. Im honestly kind of irritated, but I cant show it because it will make the situation worse (she missunderstood some intentions i had while being unresponsive and forgetting to respond to a text, which was indeed sucky on my part but she waited and now when she told me the full story I got even more butthurt over her reaction) i know its just a big missunderstanding from both of us, but I feel sad that it felt like she wanted to put me on the spot for my misstake instead of talking to me directly when it all happened. It makes me sad, we were so close when we were younger and we both feel like we have drifted apart and I know in my heart we both probably have an ideal dream of being BFFS again because we missed the connection. I hope its not to late but Its too much time lost and too many things unsaid in a sence, I hope im wrong though. I dont know if its good or bad to talk to her when im in this kind of period-annoyed-mood...

Also on a fun note, I kinda feel like the movie "Ginger Snaps" is just a long representation of having your period and going into womanhood. Hell, its the best coming of age movie AND best werewolf movie out there. Bring on the gore 🩸🩸🩸

[mayrarcjas]

(playlist.)

can a princess dress in black? a tiara's not part of my zodiac i need to say goodbye to my childhood cause now i think the poison apple tastes so good. charming boys are getting old when they kiss me they turn to toads i never throw away my voice for someone else if i had the choice and dad i know you must feel like chapedo but i stand so much taller in my stilettos the villain's still somebody's little girl so let me put down my crown and twirl cinderella's dead cinderella's dead my glass carriage is a piece of fruit and i dont need a man in a black tie suit cinderella's gone.

mayra never truly felt like a child with how hard her parents pushed her into studies and piano and ballet and everything else. when she finally broke free and went to college, she believed she'd be able to live a free life. that was until one of her college professors took advantage of her. from that moment on mayra never felt like herself. still, to this day, the woman questions every decision - every choice. every step taken was followed with countless of questions.

but i got a girl who can put on a show the dollar decides how far you can go with her she wraps those hands around that pole she licks those lips and off we go and she takes it off nice and slow 'cause it's pornstar dancing she don't play nice, she makes me beg and she drops that dress around her legs and im sitting right by the stage for this porn star dancing

after mayra's assault, she disappeared. no one knew where the woman went. there was a missing person's report made by her parents and everything. really, the woman found her family's tribe in canada and learned their ways. mentally she needed to heal, physically she needed to no longer feel his hands on them. after five years mayra finally felt a sliver of 'okay'. she returned to her city of philadelphia and changed woman. getting into dancing at the gentleman's club was more her way of taking control back of her body; no one touched her without permission. and if they did, the club's owner made sure to deal with them.

like a small boat on the ocean sending big waves into motion like how a single word can make a heart open i might only have one match but i can make an explosion and all the things i didn't say wrecking balls inside my brain i will scream them loud tonight can you hear my voice this time?

it took many years for mayra to feel comfortable in her own skin again, but the moment she did, there was no going back. she fights every day for herself, especially when it comes to others. she's still a very intelligent person despite not holding a career that said so.

oh, sometimes i pray for you at night someday, maybe you'll see the light oh, some say, in life, you're gonna get what you give but some things only god can forgive i hope you're somewhere praying, praying i hope you're soul is changing, changing i hope you find your peace falling on your knees praying

eventually came that day when mayra realized she was healed enough to … not forgive the man who assaulted her, but enough to say 'i hope you have the life you deserve' and move on. that day came a few weeks before the viral outbreak happened.

i am woman, i am fearless i am sexy, i'm divine i'm unbeatable, i'm creative honey, you can get in line i am feminine, i am masculine i am anything i want i can teach you, i can love you if you got it going on.

self-explanatory.

[auror117]

FORGOTTEN MEMORIES PART3

Forgotten memories part 3/4

Hongjoong pov

The decision to go to the reunion wasnt an easy one. I thought again and again about it and my parents werent happy at all. Mom tried to stop me for whatever reason, but deep in my heart i felt like i had to go no matter what. Now that i'm here and now that i've seen my friends i have no regrets in coming here.

It 8am when Seonghwa knocked on my door. I was barely awake but he was good and ready to go. He was always a morning bird, the responsible one.

Now we are walking to Jieuns cafe. A million thoughts run throught my head, how is she now? Is she the same? Did she miss us? Did she miss me..........

Hwa; " Isn't it weird, walking this path after so many years " he asks while looking around. It was weird, our childhood was filled with this town until we left and now that we are back the feeling is unfamiliar but familiar in a way.

" Yea it is weird but it also brings back some memories" I reply

Hwa; " You remember getting beat up in that alley by those boys from our next class " he points towards an alley with a smile. I laugh at the sudden rush of memories.

" You mean the time when Jieun had to save us from them. I still remember her running towards us holding her hockey stick and just swinging it around with her eyes closed " I chuckle while speaking.

Hwa:" And she almost hit us with that stick too" he replies with a wide smile. " Do you ever wish that you hadn't left?" He turns to look at me.

I didnt know how to answer that question, did i regret leaving?. If i hadn't left how different would my life have been, but at the same time i cant seem to regret because of how much i've achieved.

" At one point i did but then i never really though about it" i reply, not looking at him.

He was silent for the rest of the journey. As the cafe came in site i couldnt help but get nervous, my heart started beating fast and it felt like i was taken back in time.

Seonghwa's POV

He was different now, much different but i cant help but identify some similarities of his old self. He still dont make eye contact with me and he still holds much in his heart but speaks less. But hearing him say that he doesn't regret leaving made me think, maybe he is different now.

The cafe looks the same as it did in the past. It looks so alike that i felt like time reversed. The memories that this place has holds endless meaning but instead of looking forward to recall those memories i see myself searching for something else.

Before we could enter the cafe Jieun comes out and walks towards us with a bright smile, i felt like time froze. Seeing her now made me realize how much i missed her. Hongjoong rushed forward and hugged her tightly but i couldnt move, it felt like my feet were stuck in the ground.

I just stared at her without a word unable to process whats happening until she pulls me into a hug. I found myself tearing up while inhailing her scent, its the same her smile, hair, scent its all the same. For a minute i hoped that time would actually stop but i know its a hopeless dream to want this moment to last forever and to want her.......

Jieun; " You both have no idea how much i missed you two, look at you both gosh i'm so proud of you" she breaks the hugs and looks at us with a teary smile.

Hongjoong; "You haven't changed at all, still a cry baby" he says with a small laugh

Jieun; "Oh shut up its been years since i've seen you both let me be emotional" she wipes her tears as she speaks.

" And the behaviour is the same too, it truly feels like nothing has changed" i pat her head with a smile.

Hongjoong; "So what are we doing today?"

" How about we visit our hideout?" i suggest

Jieun; " Great idea! I looked after it after you both left, dont worry i didnt change anything its still the same" she says as she leads the way.

Our hideout was situated at the top of our school, a small room we decorated and used as our safe place. It is filled with sad and good memories of ours.

Hongjoong's POV

She looked so beautiful, so unreal that it feels like a dream to see her but when i hugged her i realised that this is not a dream. She is really here in front of me, the familiarity fills my heart with warmth. This is not like the countless dreams i had of her, she's really here.

At the mention of the hideout i cant help but feel anxious, the last memory i had of that place wasnt pleasant. Looking at Seonghwa it feels like he's forgotten everything that happened that day ofc he has, he had nothing to lose, not then and not now.

Thinking about it, this is a journey to uncover forgotten memories even the cruelest of them all. Maybe recovering them will lead to some mystery and maybe just maybe this time i may win.