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#and it’s like! ITS SO GOOD AT GETTING U TO ROOT FOR TORI! like!!!
pepperpixel · 1 year
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Some art of Tori from @misfitmccoward ‘s Naruto fic Plasticity! Because!! It’s such a good fucking fic…! I had to do fanart for it!! honestly after I first read it I was so fucking hype about it that I was almost like “omg.. I have to do an animatic or something for this. it’s SO GOOD” but. My ability to do animatics has kinda flushed down the drain recently ghghg- But! Still!! I had to at least draw some fanart for it…!
#sorry if I got any details wrong! it’s been a few months since I read the fic!#I mean. I originally drew this right after first reading it. but! I only finished them now so. I might have screwed something up ggh-#but yeah! YEAH! OMG! I FUCKING LOVE THIS FIC!?!?!?!?#ITS SO GOOD!?!?#LIKE. ughghghggh. idk. I read it while still pretty deep in my head about awful life stuff#and just. reading Tori. going thru absolute HELL. was like. cathartic?? like my life. is not even a fraction of the shitshow hers is#but! JUST! STILL! like.. the way she responds to stuff… the delayed reactions. the attempts to just roll w the punches.#the fACT ALL OF HER POSSESSIONS ARE LIKE. MEANINGFUL AND IMPORTANT TO HER.#like that’s! a small detail in the grand scheme of the fic but the fact that sort of thing is commented on at all is like! FUCK.#I GET IT TORI I FUCKING GET IT#AND ITS SO FUN!!! like yeah shit is awful for tori basically ALL THE TIME. but it’s not! a downer to read! its fucking fun as hell to read!#the interactions between all the characters are SO GOOD! and entertaining!! literally EVERYTHING in this fic is a fucking delight!!!#and it’s like! ITS SO GOOD AT GETTING U TO ROOT FOR TORI! like!!!#yea I recognize Tori has slowly crossed all her moral and ethical lines and become. like. pretty fucked up.#but like! seeing that shift. coincide w the slow shift. towards everything in her life becoming NOT completely horrible#it’s just like!!! yes! girl! do what u gotta do! become a monster! get some happiness in ur life!#like it’s like… I love it so much. its such a fucking good fic. it’s sO FUN. I cannot overstate. how fun this fic is.#and Tori’s such an endearing character!! and everyone else is really likeable and well written too!#lIKE. IDK. ITS JUST A GREAT FIC DUDES. ITS GREAT#doodles#plasticity#blood#tori mendoza#also. the song that I was thinking of using for the animatic was gonna be ‘stupid intruders’#cuz I heard it and immediately was just like. OMG. THIS FITS THE VIBES SO WELL. like. it just felt very fitting ghgh#also also! Srry for misspelling ‘obviously’ in the first pic.. spelling is hard ghg-#but!! yeah!! have some art. of Tori! cuz I love her! and I love this fic!!#featuring 2 diff pics of her absolutely covered in blood from the 1st chapter! cuz. that was iconic…#and also I felt I didn’t properly convey the like. drowned rat energy the first time gGHG-#god ok I’m running out of tags now. U SHOULD READ THIS FIC IF U WANT ITS RLLY GOOD. highly recommend! it’s fucking great!
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personagf-moved · 5 years
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alphabet & soft questions ✨
I was tagged by my bb’s @prksjmiin (alphabet ask) and @joonieblossoms (soft ask) and i didn’t want to make two separate posts so im gonna apologize in advance bc i decided to stick both posts together :’) dkdkkdkd yall aint gotta read everything but if u do ily and im sorry i write novels on novels dlfksdkf
i’ll tag @koyasdad, @1ovegf, @joonlit, @sleepyyyoongs, @constellationstars and @capgi 💘
honestly feel free to do either one or both or none if u want dkkdkdkd i just wanted to tag u guys bc ily
Alphabet ask:
a // age: 21
b // birthplace: new jersey!
c // current time: 1:17 am
d // drink you had last: coffee
e // easiest person to talk to: my brother when he isnt being an absolute fool
f // favorite songs: 
aint it fun - paramore
trivia love 
honey - kehlani
abbey - mitski
moonlight - ariana grande
g // grossest memory: i was in the city one time and a bird shit on my forehead. i think about it at least twice a week 
h // horror yes or horror no:  H O R R O R   Y E S   B A B E E E Y Y Y Y Y Y Y im the absolute worst person i’ll dead ass watch a scary movie/video or read horror stories by myself just bc. 
i // in love: with my whole ass soulmate namjoon. i luv u string bean man
j // jealous of people: im not even gonna try to lie i am a very jealous person and i am so sorry about it but i really cant help it lmfao. blame my scorpio venus i guess
k // kids of your own someday: when i say i have been thinking about this everyday.........! i wanna have it all i want the kids the white picket fence the dream house everything. i cant wait to be a mommy one day and love n support my bb’s :’)
l // love at first sight or should i walk by again: we a whole ass fool on main and believe in love at first sight!!!! i really do believe soulmates are a true thing and if a love is destined to be across an infinite span of lifetimes and universes then it will always find its way back. when you know, you know, and i genuinely believe that. 
m // middle name: padilla
n // number of siblings: 1 older brother, 1 half brother (older), and 1 half sister (older)
o // one wish: to find true love
p // person you last called: my manager bc i had a work question lol
q // question you’re always asked: “why are you like this” (usually friends @ me when i wild out...which is like everyday), “are you mad?”, “how old are you REALLY?”, “how’s your brother?” (bc he ghosts all family n i have to speak on his behalf like always fsdfjksdf)
r // random fact about you: i once used a horrible bootleg copy of the force awakens to make a star wars crack video dubbing the part in shrek when he first meets donkey over the scene when rey first met bb-8 and it went viral and has like 200,000 notes and even had articles written about it. also i had a weird fascination with jar jar binks and danny devito when i was in high school and i had a habit of making either one of them my icon on school accounts so i could make people laugh when they emailed me or saw me in a word document skfkkkfkf
s // song you last sang: “abbey” by mitski :’(
t // time you woke up: exactly 10 this morning and it was weird bc i picked up my phone and it had JUST turned 10 when i looked i was so shook lol 
u // underwear colour: she be black 
v // vacation destination: paris bc im a basic bitch :’) also japan/all asian countries. i wanna connect with my roots more :/
w // worst habit: yeeting the fuck outta people’s lives when i think they’re getting too close/when i get overwhelmed. im sorry im a flighty bitch @ anyone i’ve ever ghosted :( i love anyone who’s ever tried to talk to me and its never ur fault, i just get the urge to escape sometimes and i’m trying to fix it 
x // x-rays: omg @ tori dead ass me too tho, i had x-rays when i broke my arm when i was around 6 :o
y // your favorite food: my mom’s spaghetti! and sushi. also i love any and all filipino food but specifically i like nilaga and kare-kare oooo baby
z // zodiac sign: we’re a proud libra sun 
Soft ask:
What’s the smell of your shampoo?
we got them fruity scents up in here we keep that shit smellin like a goddamn strawberry field take a fuckin whiff babes
What’s your aesthetic?
the moon and stars, soft pink and purple sunsets with a burning red on the horizon, sunrises as well, paintings and generally all art revolving around flowers and the celestial, pretty pastel pink and yellow, the sound and smell of rain falling against the window while being curled up in bed uwu 
What’s your favorite time of the day and why?
lately it’s been night time. i generally get more creative and feel more at home during the night. i miss being a morning person tho. 
What do you most like about the beach?
not a lot fklsjdjfkslkdflksdlkf i usually only go to get a tan and walk the boardwalk with my friends, but if i had it my way i would never step foot in the ocean for the rest of my life sdjdjdjdjsj we dont trust her!!!!!!!!!
What do you worry about constantly?
when i’m gonna figure out what i wanna do with my life lol. i took a year off to think about it but all i ended up doing was working myself to exhaustion and getting comfy in a work only mindset and now i’m only even more confused about what i want to pursue. i’m just glad im going to chicago next week because i feel like a change of setting for even just a week could give me a much needed reset on my mindset going into the next year. i worry about the future but the problem is i worry about the present too lol. oh well, we’ll figure it out!
What is a song you’ve cried to before?
oh boy...
trivia love
moonchild
first love
she used to be mine - waitress soundtrack
20 something - sza
26 - paramore
the letter - kehlani
landslide - fleetwood mac
when you see my friends - mayday parade
and many........many many more...... skskskks music is my main emotional outlet so naturally im gonna cry over anything that reflects my heart
What are some relaxing tips for your followers?
as The World’s Number One Most Stressed Out Human Being™️ i am definitely in no way fit to give advice on how to relax LMFAO 
but i guess something that always works for me is putting on music i KNOW will make me sing a long or make me happy to distract me from the nerves i’m feeling. also putting on my favorite comfort movies to make me feel better (they’re big fish, scott pilgrim vs the world, and spirited away btw lol)
 What are some things that make you tear up?
the ending of coco, seeing my mom cry, or anyone i love cry tbh, when children are neglected/abused, thinking about the world i’ll have to bring my future children into and how i’m going to be able to teach them to stay strong and bright in the face of it, lyrics that hit too close to home, absolutely anything tbh i cry easy
What is your favorite from each sense?
sight - the view of my cherry blossom tree against a pink sunset in the spring of my childhood home, a person’s eyes and how they light up when they smile, especially when they crinkle as they laugh
smell - the earth after rain, a forest in autumn
taste - my mom’s cooking, good coffee on an early morning
sound - beautiful melodies and harmonies to accompany them, a baby cooing, birds chirping at sunrise
touch - my pillow when its nice and cool, a cat’s tummy, a baby’s cheeks, fingers running through my hair
What is an alternative reality you’d like to live in?
one where im married to namjoon n we have a lot of smart musical prodigy babies who have his dopey smile and i live comfortably in our big ass home in korea where i raise our babies n get that good pipe down every night like i should
jk i wanna live in a reality where magic is real and i can cast spells and live my best life as the true witch that i am
What are some troubles you face on a daily basis?
for starters im ugly as shit so theres one
if we mean practically then i have really bad knees and i recently busted them again so its been really hard getting up and down stairs lately and bending over 
but idk theres not really much. emotionally i just tend to get withdrawn and timid in public so it can be hard for me to speak up when i go out
What is one scene from a book that makes you really sad?
unfortunately i haven’t read as many books lately as i did when i was younger...so a lot of my memories are from books that i read like as a kid lol......THAT BEING SAID i think rue and finnick’s death in the hunger games was truly heartbreaking to read, the spine of my copies of both books have cracks on those pages bc i had to read it several times just to really believe it. also i thought it was written so heart wrenchingly well that i had to go back.  also in looking for alaska when pudge, a man who loved to know people’s last words, realized that he would never know alaska’s last words. im also really thankful for that book bc it introduced me to wh auden’s poetry and to this day he’s still one of my favorite poets of all time.  
Say something to your followers:
thank you thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU for following me and for some reason deciding to stay after how many times i act up on the daily. all jokes aside i really appreciate every single one of you no matter the number and i sincerely hope that you always have love and joy in your heart and that 2019 treats you well. i HONESTLY mean it when i say that i am always here if you guys want to talk or send me things or roast me or talk shit seriously i wanna hear it all and talk about it all i think all of you are so interesting and so beautiful and i’d love to get to know more about you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS! yeet!
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myrealityloveaffair · 6 years
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The Real World: Bad Blood
Season 32: Episode 7 & 8 & 9 & 10 & 11 & 12
Review
EXIT after EXIT after EXIT
How it all ends
Theo :“Do you know what it’s like to wake up every morning with a hard ass boner?”
hmmmmm this sounds like the either coming together of a kingdom, or the queen turning mad.
Lets visit this real world sh#t storm
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BTW I doubt they would air a guy jerking off, but then again... they did show Jordan being dry humped by the boogeyman (Mike)
Theo and mad queen Tyara had an undefined relationship that they blamed on each other......cute
How does Tyara go about the trials and tribulations of a relationship. A relationship specifically built on talking in circles and casual ass grabs?
Tyara: “My guy, that I was dancing on, he was a professional soccer player”
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Really b#tch? you are semi cheating on a ya man with a professional athlete.... aka that dream that was ripped from your man #Trauma aka what ya man has been crying about the whole time while filming on The Real World #DIED
Theo: “She is friend-zoning me”
She’s friend-zoning the kingdom, fam
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Tyara I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU! Girl wtf?!
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Theo: “She can bring buddy back, she can f##k him right next to me, Imma wake up, give him a high five and tell him pound harder”
LMAO Their history be like:
Theo&Tyara: We like each other Tyara: You gonna be the one that rides me no one else Theo: So are we something or nah Tyara: THAT IS WHAT I ASKED YOU! Tyara: *sees pro athlete, lets him ride her in front of Theo* Theo: ummm what is this? Tyara: nah, it seems like that..and it is..but nah. Hold up that’s my other man  Theo: bruh Tyara: WHAT MF?! Theo: BUT WHAT ABOUT US?! Tyara: THAT IS WHAT I SAID!!! Theo&Tyara: Well if he/she is moving so am I !!!
good times
No hard feelings right?
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Dang bitter again
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LMAO
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Dammit Gio stick to your show.
I wonder how Tyara feels about Theo
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BTW Mad Queen Tyara illegitimate pregnancy is no more... not sure what happened... don’t care
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The shade the crew had tho.... lmao
Did anyone catch this?:
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Sooooo.... she doesn’t know for sure?
anyway what’s Theo’s take on this?
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THEO WASN’T SUPPOSE TO MUTHAF##KIN LEAVE!!! It wasn’t suppose to be like this!!! 
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Theo and F##kBoy Kassius couldn’t live under the same roof anymore, keeping both would have been a safety liability.
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I guess production thought that F##kBoy Kassius would bring more drama to the show. 
F##kBoy Kassius, did Orlana dirty tho. 
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According to F##kBoy Kassius this was all in the name of friendship
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F##kBoy Kassius: “Obviously she was making it out to be something that it wasn’t” 
OMG yass F##kBoy Kassius,  deny,  blame, and deny again. Sounds a little familiar *cough*
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Look there is no smooth way of bringing up..... *barfs*..... *barfs some more*
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Peter: “Mike’s Mike. I know how he his. You know he tells people stories, and it would be like half true half not true and you know... do I believe it, probably not”
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Mike: ”Black guys love that sh#t? I bet. You guys can rub coconut oil on your ashy-ass skin together”
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His lengthy ass periscope on his controversial comments 
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Queenith CeeJai blesses scumbag Mike with a tweet.... little does she know
Mike bolted off the show (for the second time in his reality tv career), WITH Peter’s shoes
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so that’s how he stole $2000 dollars lmaooo
Well he just left single......
Wait...
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YES GURL ME TOO
So it turns out, Jordan KNEW about Tori. It was confirmed on the After Show (Finally they made some use to it). They were playing a game called “Who’s Side Piece Is This?” This was Mike’s:
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Jordan..... NO
But damn, Mike dropped her and everything like a hot rock
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Jordan: “He told me he was following in love with me, like, three days ago”
hmmmm sounds familiar ....
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Speaking of affairs....
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Jenn’s boyfriend Travis: “I hope this 5 seconds of fame was worth it”
LMFAOOOO 
So Jenn cheated on her boyfriend with *rolls eyes* Peter. The same dude that violently screams at her and hits objects....but what for? 
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Peter: “I clearly hate Anna... and I feel like Jenn has to stop talking to Anna...” whine whine whine ugh #paranoia 
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The shade the production crew threw at Peter was ... art. He had such bad editing... or is that just the way he is?  
Anna: “All we hear is Peter screaming. The entire house is upset.”
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Mike: “pete does this and he’s been doing this for years. He meets a girl that he finds attractive and if the girl finds him attractive at the same time, it’s like balls to the wall 100 mph... you think this is a one time thing?  this is the first step to the process. The second step is when she comes out with us and we get there he is going to sit there and if like one look to like another dude and that’s when sh#t is going to go off...”
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Peter: “I wasn’t even yelling, it’s not even yelling. Listen you wanna see me yell? I’ll scream”
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Um .... Jenn.... I don’t know about this one....
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Jenn: “The problem is, like, the fact that like no one f%%king knows what I’ve been through, I have been through an abusive relationship...” 
*cough* According to statistics, if you find yourself in an abusive relationship, you might wind up in another one, consciously or subconsciously.*cough* 
This behavior is down right demented... Imagine how Anna felt when PeterTheScreamer randomly asks to talk to her alone...
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LMAO this passive agressive b###h!! Of course Peter wants to take control of Jenn’s situation *cough*
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If she said more she would be feeling the wrath of PeterTheScreamer #Props 
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Oh she Peter now huh?
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here is a rare moment: Robbie being honest about how he feels about people... nice
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Jenn: “I gave you guys the benefit of the doubt. Peter was pissed at me that night and the reason why he was yelling at me is because he can’t stand you two, that’s why he was yelling at me”
I mean.... I don’t think there is any good reason why he should be abusive towards you but.....  
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same.... same
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There is no other way to handle this trash ass situation, tbh
Katrina: “Peter is just crazy, he like he just so annoying... and he is blowing something so little out of proportion he’s not a man he should not be in a relationship he needs to get help”
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LMAO She legit ditched him and he got so mad.... they live together....  #Psycho
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I wish I could say Jenn Peter came to her his senses
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TIME FOR COMBAT
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Peter: “STFU WITH YOUR FAKE ASS TITTIES”
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Production: “What are you trying to accomplish by commenting on her boobs?”
YASSSSS PRODUCTION CALL HIS ASS OUT!!!!!!!! DRAG HIM
Orlana: “Peter looked like he was about to fight them, like He got very close”
Production: “We have decided to send you home and end your experience in Seattle the punch to the refrigerator and the punching of walls are demonstrations of angry outbursts u have had in the past. You were told by Matt that those sort of aggressive outbursts could not be tolerated you agreed and told him that these sort of incidents would not happen again. Last Sunday your behavior was hostile intimidating and was the spark that led the fight between Jenn and Anna. You pushed Jenn away several times in an effort to get her to stop restraining you. After the altercation between Jenn and Anna you physically imposed security and you got into Anna’s face in an imposing and physically threatening way. You antagonized Anna. Due to your continued instigation and hostile behavior with your roommates you are being sent home tonight you must leave the house by 8 pm.” 
LMAOOOOOO YASSSSSSSSS YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
“you good?  any last words? you sure? its your last moment?”
Prince charming storms away hoping to rescue his long lost lover, trapped in his enemies lair....
Peter: “she doesn’t think like us dude, she is dumb....“
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Peter: “If i wasn’t with her, i would probably fight Robbie... just because”
Damn .... no allies 
Mike: “She’s not that hot”
Peter asks.... haha yeah right, not with them demonic eyes. Peter tells Jenn...
Peter: “I need you to leave with me” Jenn: “That’s not fair Peter” Peter: “I don’t care”
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Oddly enough this PeterTheScreamer session wasn’t started by Anna-Katrina or Jenn. The night was .... dare I say... instigated.... but by whom?
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None of this would have ever have happened if he just stuck with his act of “Everybody is cool with Robbie persona” 
Robbie: ““Domestic abuse verbal.” Who could be Googling that?”
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Why does he have animosity towards that stack sisters?
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Robbie: “....Every night? separating yourself from the group?”
but nah that wasn’t the real issue... the real issue?
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Robbie: “Honestly I am a little annoyed about this... I wanted everyone to enjoy”
They Betrayed Robbie’s MEATBALLS
Robbie does have a mean streak, this is the same guy that burned all of his ex-gf’s (Jenn) belongings and sent her a video of it .... like bruh you were the one that missed the single life not her
Robbie could have been... dare I say... a production puppet. After all he was the only one that got filmed at the end for his arrival at home
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Little moments from this terrible show about 7 (or more) strangers:
Peter’s removal from the house:
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The house banding together against racial inequalities:
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Will and his... issue: 
Will: “Yo, could you grab me some toilet paper”
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Dueling cousins, dueling on literally everything:
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UPDATES
MTV did their after the show update here . Tyara declined (or wasn’t asked) for an after-real-world-update. Maybe she was bitter about MTV outing her pregnancy... perhaps she had more in common to Theo than we thought. It’s safe to say her ass ain’t coming back to mtv. 
Theo and Whats-Her-Face-Anika competed on “The Challenge: Invasion Of The Champs”. You blink and they are gone. 
TORI FINALLY SPILLS THE TEA
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“Are You The One” after show of season 5 episode 6
“The Aftermatch: No Bro-Code”
Tori: “So Mike went on another reality show called the real world, and he cheated on me with a girl named Jordan, who was also on the show, and obviously that aired, and then that blew up our relationship, and I found out and now Mike, and I absolutely don’t talk. I have a restraining order against him, and it ended really bad... and it was the worse mistake of my life”
RIP: To all the beefs, pranks, and funny times MTV felt compelled to edit out -_-
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yes-i-am · 7 years
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A surprising epiphany
The first general election, indeed the first poll of any kind, that I was eligible to vote in, was 2010's. I was coming to the end of my fresher year, I had just discovered Twitter and I was furious with Gordon Brown.
I remember reading Tony Blair's letter in The Independent in 2007. It was all I could do to stop a tear running down my cheek - I was in the school library! - because of the indecent and incendiary downfall of one of the greatest people to have lived. Tony Blair was the only prime minister I knew (I was too young and apolitical to have even heard of John Major) and had undoubtedly given me my chance at life.
My generation is a strange one. Those of us from working-class backgrounds are too young to know about the Thatcher years: all we know is the grumblings of our families, who were seemingly uniformly "fucked over" by the capital-B "Bitch". And yet we're also too young to fully appreciate how different our lives are from our parents'. We had vastly improved education; we have benefitted in innumerable ways from the explosive growth in the economy under the Blair government's stewardship; we were disproportionately devastated by the 2007 financial crisis. It is not an exaggeration to say that without the 1997 election result, my life, and the lives of many of my peers, would be completely different - and undoubtedly worse.
But it is the middle generation, our parents, the very people who voted for Blair in 1997 in order to give us greater opportunities, that are now complaining. Everyone is doing better than they did in the Eighties and Nineties. Some people - the Elite - are doing very well indeed. But because the JAMs don't share their ambition and determination - the very qualities we millennials have picked up and are putting to good use - they have turned against progress. And in so doing, they've turned against their children. And we will have to bear the pain.
In June 2007 I could not have predicted where we would be today: Brexit wasn't anywhere near the horizon, DCAM was too busy hugging huskies and hoodies to care about his crusading backbenchers, and Gordon Brown was riding the wave of coronation - much like Theresa May until recently. In 2007 I was an Independent-reading, freshly bespectacled(!), library-dwelling über-geek, just discovering politics but without any affiliation. I listened to Ming Campbell as intently as Alastair Darling. I had just sat my GCSEs and was busy preparing for Sixth Form. The financial crisis hit in the summer, and my interest in global affairs became real. In December Nick Clegg became the leader of the Liberal Democrats and as Brown's leadership qualities - or lack thereof - became apparent, I became a Lib Dem.
So in 2010 I went to the poll (twice, exercising my right to two ballots as a student) and with a wave of optimism resounding like in 1997 - especially on campuses - cast my vote for the Liberals. I was rooted to my laptop all night watching the count - it was right in the middle of exam period, I had nothing better to do! - and I relished the days of coalition talks. I did shed a tear when Brown gave his resignation speech; as much as I knew he wasn't the right man for the job, I knew this was the end of his life ambition. I read the Coalition Agreement with gusto and all-in-all it seemed fair. The Coalition represented, for the first time in many elections, a true majority of votes. We, the Lib Dems, had brought some excellent ideas to the table and we had stopped the worst of the Conservative ideology being inked.
We didn't know our Coalition partners would turn on us so vehemently and acerbically in 2015. We shouldn't have been surprised, but we were caught on the back foot. We didn't have a plan, and that allowed the Tories to take credit for the best of the Coalition and leave us to take the wrap for the worst of it. We fought the 2015 election absolutely disastrously. It was clear we were going to take a hit and I knew voting Lib Dem in my constituency would be fruitless anyway; never has a Liberal won here and it wasn't about to happen now. And unlike in 2010 - when the choice was  between a government with an excellent track record but a weak prime minister, and an ostensibly strong and modernising Leader of the Opposition - this poll mattered. Hammered by his backbenchers and berated by the right-wing media, and expecting a bare-knuckle coalition fight in mid-May, Dcam's Conservative manifesto held many right-wing policies to be used as bargaining chips. Chief among these was a promise to hold an EU referendum - a policy he knew full well would never be allowed in a Lib Dem Coalition, but a get-out-of-jail free card for the increasingly self-obsessed Etonian.
As weak as Brown before him, and equally castigated by the media barons - who threw all manner of mistruths, untruths and downright lies his way - Ed Miliband nevertheless headed a well-run party with a caring, intelligent and diverse shadow cabinet. Everyone thought Labour was going to win, or at least come very close to winning, the election - and I lent him my vote, albeit with a sigh.
So when Dimbleby announced, at 22:01, the result of the exit poll I was speechless and mightily disheartened. I still believed the EU referendum would be a mighty blow for the antiquated Brexiteers, but I knew the country, and our society, was going to be dragged backwards.
I continued to believe it would be a Remain vote until the small hours of Friday, 24th June. Sometime around 03:00 or 04:00 I started to feel nauseous, devastated and angry. At Dcam, yes, whose biggest life gamble had failed miserably, disastrously and irrevocably. But more so, and more completely, with my country. Or, rather, with 24% of my country. Once again, our retrograde way of life had reared its head. Once again, overnight and with conviction we have gone from one of the strongest, friendliest and greatest countries on the planet, with one of the biggest hearts, to one of the most intolerant and bigoted.
I woke, after an hour or two of sleep, on the 24th June, feeling numb. Watching Dcam's resignation speech I thought about Blair's letter and Brown's conference outside of Number 10. I did feel emotion and I shed another tear. I didn't like Dcam, and I knew he was yet another weak and poor leader, unfit to be our prime minister. But I knew he cared deeply and was hurting as much as the rest of the 48%. Broken, and finally humbled, he did the only thing he reasonably could - and probably wanted - to do: quit.
The ensuing weeks were not, as one might expect, thrilling for a politics geek; they were horrible. The worst of the Tory party was blown into the open, but this didn't appeal to my sadistic side. I wasn't feasting on the turmoil unfolding, because these were still the people tasked with running the country for the next four years, and dealing with the biggest diplomatic crisis since the 1940s. This was serious, real-life and our leadership was, once again, weak, unstable and juvenile.
May emerged, not victorious but at least unscathed. For now. Without telling anyone what her plan was, other than the repeated mantra that she had one and it was for the best that she keep it secret, she entered number 10 and started off on a whirlwind tour. First of the home nations; then of Europe; then, after the unmitigated disaster in November, to the USA, to lay an emasculated UK down at Trump's feet.
Policy after policy, none of which had been put in any kind of vote to the public, emerged. Seemingly surprised that everyone wasn't rallying around her without question, May announced the first in a serious of major U-turns: she would hold an election. After the initial wave of excitement - who doesn't like a bit of theatre - I knew this was for show, nothing would really happen and we'd still be left with May, probably with an increased number of seats, and a harder Brexit, more selfish and less democratic country by 2020. I was considering doing something I promised (to myself and to society) I’d never do: abstain. (Or, more likely, spoil my vote.)
But slowly and stealthily things have been unravelling.
I can not in good conscience vote for the Conservatives, headed by the most illiberal and least transparent leader for some time, intent on reducing the country and our people to a time I do not know and would not be happy to live in.
I can not in good conscience vote for Jeremy Corbyn, wanting or expecting him and his shadow cabinet to take over the running of the country.
I can not in good conscience vote following my conscience - for the Lib Dems - knowing that that would increase the likelihood of an outright majority for the Conservatives.
It seems the best we can hope for now is a minority Conservative government (they are best placed to run the country with least disruption) but with a House of Commons that puts substantial pressure on May and her MPs to be more centrist - and for a softer, or even no Brexit. (Let there be some hope in this most melancholy of blog posts!)
So for the third time in 2 years I shall vote with a heavy heart. (Though I thought the referendum result would be Remain, I voted lamenting the calling of the plebiscite in the first place.) And for the second successive general election, that reluctant cross shall be marked for Labour.
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