#and like don’t get me wrong Zendaya is stunning and they way they treat her body is so graceful and respectful and tasteful

[the-bensolos]

No I’m SO sorry but it’s truly so funny to me that a lot of dudes going to see challengers for the idea that they’ll see a hot naked Zendaya and what they actually get treated to is tasteful and delicate aspects of the male form from the visionary that is Luca Guadagnino (and of course very very explicitly homoerotic imagery.) And there is a healthy amount of sexualization for both forms. But the fact that there is full frontal male nudity in this movie, the only true nudity in this movie is of the male form, marketed the way it is is just so good. Like I work in a theater and the amount of dudes coming out lambasting that this movie sucks is so fucking delicious. The way straight guys have to sit and accept the queerness of this movie that it EXISTS, that it’s beautiful and tender and gentle, and intimate, but also loud, and brash, and seeped into every conceivable corner adds another 10 on top of this already 10/10 movie.

[jeanvaljean24601]

The Winners And Losers From The 2020 Emmy Nominations

The 2020 Emmy nominations rolled out today, and boy, were they something. Right away, Rhea Seehorn fans grew furious that she was somehow left on the side of the road again, and it’s very strange to not see Larry David receive more nods for being a lovable curmudgeon on HBO, but perhaps he’s topped out with a lifetime total of 27 Emmy nominations and 2 wins. We could also talk about numbers mattering, which is good news on the HBO front, with Watchmen and Succession scoring 26 and 18 nominations, respectively, and Disney+ scooping up 15 nods for The Mandalorian, although sorry, Baby Yoda, you are somehow not eligible for acting awards.

That’s not as satisfying, though, as talking about the real winners and losers, which is a fine tradition here. Please do not consider this to be a complete list of wronged-and-righted parties (for example, I cannot even begin to understand why Desus and Mero got the shaft, which shouldn’t have happened), but let’s get this ball rolling, shall we?

When it comes to Ozark, I kind-of get why people don’t want to give this show a shot at first. The bizarre insistence upon a blue filter goes a long way, for example, or the fact that it arguably fine-tunes the Walt-Jesse dynamic from Breaking Bad — yes, that might grind some gears. Yet all of those concerns don’t matter once you surrender to the setting and watch Jason Bateman lose his sh*t in consistently captivating ways. The acting nominations here were all well deserved, as was the Outstanding Drama series nod, especially with that cliffhanger. I do look forward to one day seeing Julia Garner win her 15th Emmy in, like, 2045, but let’s also shout out Dead To Me. That little Netflix series also been recognized once again despite (probably) being intended as a trash-comfort watch. Yet it works surprisingly well to stir up a wide range of emotions and affirm humanity in the process. Also, recognition for Linda Cardellini will never get old. Now she can forget that Capone came out this year. h96 tv box

Let’s make one thing clear: Reese is doing just fine. In fact, she’s likely doing wonderful. However, her prestige TV turns have gone unrewarded for this year’s ceremony. Whereas Jennifer Aniston received a nod for Apple TV’s The Morning Show, Reese didn’t walk away with the same honor for her performance as an unruly spitfire of a co-host. Her Hulu and HBO roles, in Little Fires Everywhere and Big Little Lies, also went unrecognized. I can only guess that there simply wasn’t enough room for all the BLL ladies, and although her ruffling of Adam Scott was convincing enough, neither she nor Nicole Kidman could beat out Laura Dern and Meryl Streep’s  extremely unhinged  turns on the show. Still, Reese will not walk away from 2020 empty-handed. Quibi  paid her $6 million to narrate a wildlife series, and you gotta respect that hustle.

Yes, I did suggest that numbers don’t matter, but c’mon. Not only did The Mandalorian receive 15 nods, but Watchmen scored 26. The best part about Damon Lindelof’s show gathering so many decorations, though, is that no one even asked for a Watchmen TV series to be made. Alan Moore’s graphic novel was always considered to be unfilmable (and Zack Snyder made the case there), but Lindelof did it anyway. He recontextualized the whole story against the backdrop of a long-buried U.S. atrocity and hid Doctor Manhattan in the body of a Black man. He put the damn squid in there, included Jeremy Irons’ fart face, made Regina King walk on water (or not), and inserted a Lube Man. Watchmen could win no Emmys at all, and it’d still be the winner for all those things.

This one is a puzzler. The Emmys nominated Bob Odenkirk in 2019, 2017, 2016, and 2015, but he somehow came up short this year for his lead role in AMC’s Breaking Bad spinoff that landed on the top of our best shows of the year (so far) list. Even if one considers that his category was stacked — and let’s be honest here, it wasn’t airtight because Steve Carell‘s The Morning Show role felt more like a supporting role than a lead — it’s hard to ignore how the Emmy’s almost entirely shut out the Saul actors. And really, how does one justify continuing to leave Rhea Seehorn on the side of the road with an arc like the one she had this season? With  those finger guns… and everything? It just doesn’t make sense, but I guess at least Gus Fring is getting his due. h96 max tv box

Zendaya could become the  youngest winner of the Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series award for her turn in the provocative Euphoria. The drug-fueled series about teens isn’t an easy watch by any stretch, but it’s a relevant one, and Zendaya’s finally receiving the dramatic material that her talents deserve. On the Ramy side of things, it’s nice to see more affirmation that this is the best show that  you’re not currently watching. It’s a little disheartening to not see the show’s actresses gain recognition while their characters are finally coming to the forefront, but it’s hard to argue with the possibility of creator Ramy Youssef adding an Emmy to his Globe win for this dramedy about Muslim-Americans. Also, Mahershala Ali getting a nod for his Hot Sheikh means that at least something’s right in our current universe (after that Green Book mess).

Young women challenging institutions are where it’s at this year. Even though Watchmen will (and should) walk away with the Outstanding Limited Series category, I’m thrilled to see two insurgent-feeling shows, Unbelievable and Unorthodox, make the shortlist. Kaitlyn Dever should have also been nominated in the acting department for her turn as a rape survivor who was treated like a criminal, due to being an “imperfect victim,” but the show as a whole deserved the nod that it received for being taking such a feminist approach to crime-drama storytelling. And I’m pumped to see Unorthodox‘s Shira Hass pop up with an Outstanding Lead Actress In A Limited Series nod (she’s up against Regina King and Cate Blanchett), as well as seeing recognition for the  stunning miniseries’ exploration of a young woman’s flight from Hasidic Judaism. android tv box

Pacino’s first regular TV role in Amazon Prime’s Hunters was a highly anticipated one, but sadly, the show (despite plenty of enticing ingredients like Jordan Peele producing and, you know, the killing of Nazis),  didn’t hit the mark. Honestly, yeah, it was messy, and Pacino’s accent work managed to be one of the weirdest parts of a very weird show. It’s not worth too many words to rehash what happened there, for it’s enough to say that Pacino’s already won two TV-movie Emmys for You Don’t Know Jack and Angels In America. He’s also notched an Oscar win (in 1993 for Scent of a Woman) and eight Oscar nominations (including in 2020 for The Irishman). He doesn’t necessarily need to win at TV shows, too!

You can see the full list the  Emmy nominations here.

[lamptracker]

FIC: Win/Win (part 9/?)

ySo guess what I did today!

Overall Summary: Temporarily homeless, the reader needs a place to stay. Her friend Tom, who has a reputation for being a womanizer, has an extra room… and an idea.

Very loosely based on the How I Met Your Mother episode “World’s Greatest Couple,” where Lily posed as Barney’s wife to help him get rid of his one-night stands.

Part summary: At Jacob and Zendaya’s wedding reception, the reader breaks her “no talking to Tony” rule, but for a good reason. Tom makes a split-second decision that impacts their future. It’s fluff, you guys. Pure unadulterated FLUFF

Series Masterlist

I forget who I actually had tagged for this thing so I’m going off my taglist: 

@flokidottir-imagines-br  @musiclover1263  @judemoos   @drxgxnslxyer   @hollanderheart   @thequeensardine   @ive-got-some-lies-to-tell   @captainbuckyy   @xxtomxo   @bringmethehorizonandpizza

“So, how do I look?” (Y/n) asked, stepping into the living room in a long, one-shouldered pink gown. She did a little twirl, causing the bottom of the skirt to flare slightly.

Tom bit his lower lip as he finished tying his tie. “You look absolutely stunning, love.”

(y/n) giggled. “You don’t look so bad yourself, y’know.”

“I clean up alright.” Tom adjusted his tie so it tucked into the vest of his tuxedo. “You ready for this wedding?”

“Absolutely. I am so happy for Jacob and Z, this wedding is going to be so much fun.”

“You know Tony’s going to be there?”

(Y/n) groaned. “I know. Just have to ignore him, y’know? As long as I don’t have to look at Morgan too much I’ll be fine. She should have had that baby by now, I wonder why Jacob’s never mentioned it?”

“Beats me, love.” Tom held out his arm, bent at the elbow; (y/n) looped her own arm through it. “Shall we?”

“We shall.”

At the reception, after (y/n) had given her maid of honor speech and Tom and Harrison their co-best-man speech, Jacob and Zendaya were enjoying their first dance. (y/n) watched them silently for a little while before she noticed Tony sitting at a table near the back corner of the room, by himself.

“This is going to be one of the odder sentences coming out of my mouth,” she said to Tom, “but...uh… I’m going to go talk to Tony.” She pointed at Tony, alone in the corner.

Tom nodded. “Want me to come along?”

“You can if you want, but you’re absolutely not obligated.” 

Tom smiled warmly at her. “Think I’ll go harass Harrison and Amelia for a bit, then. Good luck.”

(y/n) kissed his cheek softly before heading back to the corner; she slid out a chair next to Tony and sat down. “You look like you’d rather be getting a root canal,” she remarked. 

“Wouldn’t be so bad at this point.” Tony shrugged. “Thought you never wanted to talk to me again.”

“I didn’t,” (y/n) agreed. “But you look so sad back here, and part of me does still care about you, so… oh, hey, how’s fatherhood?”

Tony snorted. “Dunno,” he replied, sneering. “Why don’t you ask the baby’s father?”

(Y/n)’s eyes grew wide. “Wh-what?”

“That crack you made that last time we talked? That ‘Are you sure you’re the father?’ Turns out… I’m not. She cheated on me with a guy from work, he got her pregnant. She confessed everything when I got home that day. I took a DNA test after he was born just to make sure, and sure enough…” Tony sighed. “Morgan still wanted me to be part of their lives, though. She kept calling me, texting me, it was so… I just wanted to move on, you know? But she was making it impossible. Made me realize I was putting you through the same thing. If it sucked for me, I can’t imagine how much it sucked for you.”

“Wow, Tony, I’m really sorry about all that. I really was kidding.”

“I know you were. But, look, (y/n). I just want to apologize for the way I treated you. I should have left you alone the first time you asked me to. I was awful, and I know it, and I’m truly sorry.”

“You know what, Tony?” (y/n) smiled at him. “I forgive you, I really do.”

Tony smiled back at her. “Thank you, (y/n), that means a lot. So I’m a little bummed today, but I’ll survive. Hey, how are things going with Tom?”

“Really great. He’s so amazing, Tony. He’s funny, he’s caring, he’s...he is just all-around amazing. I really love him.”

“I’m so glad you’re happy,” Tony said. “I still care about you too, and I just want you to be happy. If Tom makes you happy, then good for you guys.”

“I’m impressed, Tony. You’ve really grown up these last few months.”

“Well, when someone does to you the thing you’ve been doing to someone else for almost a year… it’s a tough lesson to learn, but boy have I learned it.” Tony stood up slowly. “I will absolutely understand if you say no, but… can we still be friends after this?”

(y/n) pushed her chair back as she stood up. “Sure. Not, like super-close friends. But I definitely will get rid of my voodoo doll of you now.”

“That explains why my back hurt the other day, then.”

(y/n) laughed. “I’m kidding, come here.” She pulled him into a quick hug. “Now, try to have some fun, okay? I’m gonna go find Tom.”

“Okay. You have fun too. It was really nice to get to talk to you today.”

“Yeah, you too.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before making her way back to the front of the ballroom.

“Everything alright?” Tom asked, when (y/n) approached him again.

“Yeah. Let’s go dance, I’ll tell you all about it.” She grasped his hand and led him to the dance floor as a slower song started to play. “So turns out, Morgan’s baby? Not Tony’s.”

Tom gasped loudly. “You’re kidding!”

“Nope. AND! Apparently all that stuff he was doing to me after we broke up, she did to him. And he realized how much it sucks, so he apologized for it. We’re on good terms again, I mean obviously I’ll never date him again but at least now we can be in the same room without me waiting for an anvil to fall on his head.”

“You know what that is? That’s growth.” Tom smiled warmly at her.  

“What, me or Tony?”

“Yes.”

(y/n) threw her head back, laughing, as she and Tom twirled around the dance floor.

As the reception wound down, (y/n) and Tom stayed behind to clean up while Jacob and Zendaya went to their hotel. 

“I can’t believe you caught the bouquet,” Tom said.

“I can’t believe the garter bounced off your head and landed in Jacob’s grandma’s lap,” you replied, giggling at the memory as Tom rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, not one of my finer moments. Think we only have a couple guest tables left to un-decorate, then the bridal party table and we should be all set.”

(y/n) nodded as she carefully gathered decorations off the table she was standing next to.

Tom could not believe his luck. He thought that, after Ellie, he would never settle down again. Ever. But then, he met you, and you took a chance on him…

...he knew, right then and there, he had to find a way to hang on to you forever.

“Hey, um, (y/n)?”

She put a picture frame holding Zendaya and Jacob’s engagement picture in a box and whirled around. “Yeah, Tom?”

“Here’s a hypothetical question for you. Is it bad form to propose to someone at someone else’s wedding reception?”

“Only if the bride and groom and all 300 guests are still there. Why?”

Tom grasped her hand, dropping to one knee.

“Tom, you… I… Thomas Stanley Holland!”

“Look, (y/n). I thought I was in love before. And I thought I would never be in love ever again. And then… and then you came along and you proved me wrong on both counts. What I had with Ellie, it wasn’t love, not the love you’ve shown me and let me be a part of. And you’ve melted what Harrison once called the ‘icy lump in my chest masquerading as a heart’, and taught me how to love and be loved. I can’t… I don’t want to let that go. You were my fake wife once, and now I want nothing more than for you to be the real thing. I was going to wait until I bought a ring, but I can’t anymore. (y/n), will you marry me?”

Tears sprang to (y/n)’s eyes as she smiled and started nodding feverishly. “Yes!” she gasped. 

Tom sprang to his feet and cupped her face in his hands. “I love you,” he said as he leaned in to press a gentle kiss to her lips.

“I love you, Tom.”

[quitetommy]

no one better for me

hi hi hi this was what i was supposed to put up the other day but tumblr did me dirty!!! so i hope you enjoy this new version!

It was three years later. Three years since Tom and Y/N started dating. They had known each other a year prior, from the set of Spider-Man: Homecoming. Actually, Y/N had never given Tom another thought, after she thought he was in a relationship with another friend of theirs, Zendaya. She sure did look though, because gosh, was he a looker. Probably the most handsome man she’d ever seen. She had often found herself hoping Zendaya treated him right, and once she even told the black woman how lucky she was to be with such a good man. And that’s when she learned that he was in fact single and crushing on the stage manager. And Zendaya being the amazing woman she is, shewed off the bushing girl to find a certain Brit. And so, thanks to Zendaya, the two were a couple.

It was great, everything Y/N ever wanted. Y/N knew that she really loved him, she had never felt how she did with the pretty Brit with any other man she’d ever known. Y/N was happy and her friends and family could definitely tell. By the time Spider-Man was done filming, the American and the Brit had been dating for over seven months, and they were very much in love, so the brown-eyed hunk asked her to move back to London with him. The lovesick girl of course said yes, how could she not? So, a month later, Y/N was packed up and saying goodbye to her mother and saying hello to London and a special pup named Tessa.

Eventually, Y/N and Tom gogt comfortable with one another, so much so they began to fight. It started over small things, thankfully never expanding into anything horrible. They argued over everything, dumb stuff really. But in the end, they always realized their love was stronger. There was nothing, absolutely nothing, more important to, both, Y/N and Tomthan each other.

Toms mom, Nikki, always knew that she, meaning Y/N, would be apart of the family, for real. And it wasn’t like she minded either. Nikki absolutely loved the young girl. She viewed her like the daughter she had never had the chance to have. The boy’s father, Dominic, looked at Y/N like daughter he never had, as well.  The eldest Holland boy  pretty much took the role as a father in Y/N's life. She went to him whenever she had a problem and he helped. He was her shoulder to cry on and he took her out for fun days. It worked for them. Harry and Sam were Y/N’s best friends, Harrison too. They often went out and shopped and drank and laughed. Y/N was the big sister they always wanted but were too unfortunate receive. Don’t even get her started on Paddy. He was just too cute! Y/N and Tom were positive that he had a crush on her. It was just too adorable. After Y/N moved into their flat down the street from Tom’s parents’, the family and Y/N were inseparable.

Tomand Y/N we're practically the perfect couple. They were the couple everyone wanted to be. They were always together, if Y/N went out then, almost, always Tom was there too. They were inseparable- apart from the times that Tom was out filming, but even then Y/N went with him.

The pretty girl and his friends got along so well, Tom often questioned why he never brought her around before they started dating. Y/N was really the life of the party. When Tom’s co-starts and Harrison weren’t working, they all went out and hung out. They often went to bars and got drunk or stayed in and had movie marathons or took part in pranking her man. It was wickedly annoying for Tom to be pranked all the time, but it was okay, because he loved his girl more than life itself.

Y/N was everything Tom could ask for. Literally. All he ever had wanted was for someone to accept him and love him. And she did just that. She accepted everything about him, she made him feel like he was enough, like he was wanted. Y/N was everything to him. As a good lover, the brown-eyed boy always tried to be amazing plus one. He just wanted her to be happy. He just loved her so much, and he knew that she deserved the world but he also knew he would never be able to give her the world, so he hoped endlessly that his love was enough.

Tom, two years into the relationship- taking a year to plan, knew he was gonna marry her. He wanted Y/N for the rest of his life.

Which brings their story to the greatest memory they’d ever have; Tom and Y/N’s wedding.  Y/N and Tom’s friends and family gathered together, no specific places. Y/N's father was unable to make it but he sent his congratulations, which was why Y/N was tightly clutching Dominic’s arm. She was squeezing his arm so tightly, she was surprised he wasn’t telling her to ease off. She was just excited. . .  and nerves. So fucking nervous. So many things could go wrong. He could decide that he didn’t want to do this anymore and call it all off. He could-

Dominic  looked down at Y/N, his soon-to-be-daughter-in-law. He knew her well enough now that he could tell she was freaking out. He interrupted her thoughts, "Are you excited?"

Y/N looked at her 'father', "Excited?! Try nervous as hell."

He laughed, "Y/N, there's nothing to worry about. Tom and you are each other's soulmates. I believe that, I really do. He loves you, he’s never looked at anyone the way he looks at you now."  Y/N smiled at the man, “Thank you, Dom. I really needed that.”

Then, the big doors opened, revealing all her family and friends and the love of her life. Their eyes met and Y/N had to take an intake of breath, he was even more attractive than the first time she laid eyes on him. She was marrying him! He was all hers! This was incredible.

The Brit’s eyes started to water, the love of his life was beginning to walk down the aisle to him, beautiful music playing in the background. He couldn’t believe this was happening. It was surreal. All he noticed was that she was in a wedding dress that fit her body perfectly. He would remember her like this for the rest of his life. She was absolutely stunning. He couldn't believe that this incredible woman was all his. He was so lucky. And he would remind himself everyday.

After what seemed like forever, to both the bride and the groom, they were joined together at the altar. Their hands were clasped together as they stared at each other, sweaty palms and everything. The man, who was older, he had thinning, white hair and glasses, went through the process of stating what was happening– as if they didn't know. But it was nice to hear it all, it kept them from spiraling out of control. He spoke for a few minutes, but the love birds barely paid attention, just taking in each other.

He then asked Tom to read Y/N his vows. He laughed nervously, pulling one of his hands from Y/N's and pulling out a folded up piece of paper. Y/N smiled, she was worried he was going to do the generic vows and hers would be the only heartfelt ones. She should’ve known better.

Meeting Y/N's eyes, he began, "Y/N. God. Y/N, what can I say? You have made me feel more loved than I ever thought possible. I never thought that what I–we have was something I would achieve in life and that's literally my greatest goal. And today, I'm going to give you all that I am, and all that I have. As I give you my hand to hold today," He paused, shaking Y/N's hand and his head. He blushed, smiling then continued, "I give you my love, my promise to always be faithful, my life, my family, everything. Y/N, I am choosing you today, I am choosing to share my life with and I will choose you every single day for the rest of my life."

Tom paused again, Y/N was crying and he was barely halfway through. " Y/n, you are my once-in-a-lifetime-kind-of-love. I promise to love you through good times and bad. I promise to cherish you, always. Y/N, you are the love of my life and I'm so grateful I get to spend the rest of it with you."

Smiling, with tears in her eyes she whispered to him," I love you.”

He smiled, tears and a smile showing, whispering back, "I love you." And it was true, he did love her, more than anyone had, ever. It was times like this that his heart went out even more to her. She really was the one for him. Seriously. Like, if there were a book of soulmate matches, Y/N and Tom’s name would be next to each other in every world.

As the laughter died down, Y/N pulled out her own paper. Tom laughed under his breath, as his gaze set on the paper. It was crumpled and covered in something that resembled coffee stains. It was so her.

"Shut up," she giggled. Of course they would banter at their wedding- it was their thing.

"Okay, well, not that I could do any better than Mr. hot shot, over here," Tom rolled his eyes, jumping on the balls of his feet. He was nervous. He was nervous for what she was to say- he knew that she loved him but he didn't know how much. He was scared that the love he held for her was nothing in comparison.

"Tommy, I realized as I was writing this that you, being the person you are, are doubting this. You are thinking that I don't love you as much as you want, that you are in too deep– actually, hell, I don't know what you're thinking. I almost never do, but that's okay. I'm not a mind reader" Tom nodded slowly, he was quiet, holding his breath. She smiled that smile at her, his favorite one, then continued, “But, my love, what I do know is what I'm thinking. I'm thinking that this is perfect. I'm standing here with the perfect guy. The man who understands me. The man who knows if something is wrong with me by a look. And immediately fixes it with just a smile or a stupid joke. There is no better fit for me than you. If this was a movie, I’d be MJ and you’d be Peter Parker and I’d pick you everytime. You’re it for me. I will love you until the end of time, and that will forever be my greatest accomplishment.”

The crowd and Tom and Y/N were crying. Happy tears. There was just so much love. It was unbearable. Y/N was caught up in the moment, she was just falling in love with those brown eyes all over again. The only reason she was brought back to reality was the fact that a pair of soft lips was on hers. They were kissing, it was just as magical as the first time. This would go on the most memorable, along with their first kiss and the kiss after Tom proposed. Y/N was kissing back, and as soon as she got into it, her new husband was pulling back and their family was laughing and clapping. Tom quickly grabbed his lover’s hand pulled her down the aisle, leaving the church. This was planned of course, they weren’t just abandoning their wedding. But what wasn’t planned was when Y/N turned to her lifelong man, “I was serious, you know. There is no one better for me than you.”

“I know. Darling, I know because, there’s no one better for me either.” He was smiling, love in his eyes. And that was all Y/N needed.

Taglist; @darlintom @rainbow-marvel @yoinksholland @spider-bitten @spideres @bi-writer-in-the-dark @marvelouspottering @quacksin @mischiefmanaged49 @friendscallme-emily @smexylemony @tom-hollands-eyelash @tomblrholland @spidey-pal @lovelyh0lland @spidey-mood @positiveparker 

crossed out means i cant tag ya

[alluringholland]

the good die young, but so did this #5 | t.h.

WARNINGS: angst, smut, alcoholism, drug abuse, manipulation, an all around bad time

part 5: sorry (previous)

“I've missed your calls for months it seems/Don't realize how mean I can be/’Cause I can sometimes treat the people/That I love like jewelry”

Present day.

His name was Derek. He was a positive, happy person. I mean like, he believed in fairy tale happy endings, and he believed in soulmates. He was optimistic. He could see the best in you, even when you were at your worst.

I kind of hated that about him.

When we first met, I made it clear that I was trouble and not worth getting to know. Of course, that only reeled him in and he wanted to know what lied behind my mysterious exterior. He's not ugly, so I let him in for that night. Then, I just lost the ability to say no when he asked me out on am actual date. It went on for a little bit, maybe six months or so. In hindsight, it wasn't the best thing to do on my part.

I wasn't really happy with him, even though I logically should have been. If I shut him out, he waited until I was ready. If I ignored him because I was stuck in my own head, he didn’t interrogate me and pester me for information. He brought me coffee when I was doing a shoot. He took me on day trips to the beach. He got me fidget toys and books that would help me combat my rapidly developing social anxiety.

The closer he got, the more I wanted to run. So that’s what I did.

Being me, it was over a text. However, he wasn’t having any of it, so we met up outside my apartment building. To say I wasn’t expecting him to cry was an understatement.

“I just don’t think I’m good for you,” I said simply, unable to look him in the eyes. Maybe I should cry too, so it could look like it hurt me too.

“That’s your excuse?” he said back, voice trembling.

“Do you want a list? I thought you could see everything that’s wrong with me!” I told him, genuinely confused as to why he couldn’t see it my way. “I never call you, you’re always planning the dates, I’m really closed off, I don’t like to do the things you like to do.”

“Well, there’s always time to work on that! I know you’ve got things going on, but that doesn’t mean that this can’t work.” He stepped towards me, offering his hands. “At least tell me what I did wrong.”

I took a step back, folding my arms. “It was never you. Everything is on me.”

Derek scoffed. “Are you really pulling that card?”

Now it just felt like everything I was saying was the wrong thing. How could I get him to leave me alone?

“You’ll find someone better, trust me.”

“I don’t want anyone else!”

How in the shit-

“Can you just ignore the negative thoughts in your head for one moment and just let someone take care of you?” Derek asked, frustrated.

No. I guess I can’t.

“I just need to be by myself for a while,” I concluded.

“You're just shutting yourself away!” he snapped. “You think you can do things by yourself but you can't! You're never gonna be happy if you don't let people in!”

I have let one person in. It backfired horribly.

One thing I liked about Derek was that he wasn't consumed by the toxicity of Hollywood. He was a nobody from a small town in Northern California. He was never interested in celebrity gossip and pop culture. The only thing he used the Internet for was Netflix and video games. Long story short, he didn't hear about my “scandals” through the grapevine, he heard them from me. I thought it would drive him away, but instead it just made him stay, and I didn't get it.

But if he had some inkling on who I was or who my ex was, it would be easier to understand why I was doing this. It bothered me that I knew why I was doing this. I guess Barb was right: I shouldn't have thrown myself into dating so soon. All I've done now is hurt a person who didn't deserve it.

~

4 years ago.

“I still have feelings for my ex. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. Please don't contact me again.”

As soon as I sent that text, I grabbed my wallet and car keys and threw my hungover ass out the door. My heart was beating like it had just come back to life. I got in the car and pulled out of the driveway, hauling ass to the hotel I was supposed to go to.

It had been a long four months of being… mostly single. My heart had been shattered when Tom called and decided that he didn't want to do the long distance thing anymore. Of course there was crying and yelling, if he had been within my reach I would have thrown something at him. It was sudden and painful to know that the thing that kept me going wasn't there anymore.

What did I do? Publicly, I went through a dramatic change in style. I cut my hair, wore darker makeup, and I did a Playboy photoshoot butt naked. I walked in Paris Fashion Week. I was booking more and more projects than I ever had. Privately, I went to the closest bar and let someone put their hands all over my body. I woke up in a different stranger's bed almost every morning until one particular stranger stuck around. Their name was erased from my brain as soon as Tom messaged me saying he wanted to see me.

My mind was cloudy from leftover liquor and thoughts of Tom, making it hard to focus on the road. Several people honked at me, to which I stuck my middle finger out the window. My phone was buzzing like crazy, and I wasn't sure if it was my new ex, my old ex, or Nancy. I was too anxious to check, until I was at a stoplight.

I grabbed my phone from the cup holder and looked at the notifications. A short text from the new ex. “Ok lol let me know when you're over it.” Then the light turned green.

I still looked through my phone as I drove. Nancy sent me a voice clip.

“Why did you leave your house? You're supposed to stay out of the public eye for now. Call me when you can.”

Oh yeah, I had a bit of a “scandal” not too long ago. I drank too much at a bar and yelled some obscenities at the same time someone had their phone camera on. My “poised and professional” image was tainted, so the best option was to just stay under the radar. I wasn't good at following the rules, so Nancy got access to the security cameras outside my house, and if I did anything reckless, she would call someone to handle me.

Today was one of those days, but I had a valid reason.

“Tom is in town! I have to see him!” I yelled into my phone as I swerved in and out of lanes. “I'm also a little hungover, so let it be know that I'll probably die for the dick!”

Hopefully it would be good news to Nancy that I'm linking up with someone who was the epitome of purity and goodness in the eyes of practically the entire world. It would either make me look better or Tom look bad. Either way, people would be talking about us. None of this was real, right?

I got to the hotel. Tom had told me over text that someone would be waiting for me in the lobby. I parked and got out of the car. If anyone had followed me, then it would be known in a few hours that Tom Holland and his ex girlfriend were seen together at his hotel in Los Angeles.

That didn't matter.

A security guard in the lobby recognized me, and he escorted me to the top floor of the hotel. My heart was stuck in my throat, and my stomach was turning uncomfortably. Holy shit, this was happening.

The security guard opened the door for me, and I stepped inside the room. I almost vomited out my heart and lungs just from seeing Tom sat in the armchair across the room. I stepped towards him, trying and failing to keep myself calm and collected. My nerves were painted all over my face.

I walked down the small hallway, passing the bathroom. I was at a loss for words.

Tom looked at me, the corners of his mouth turning upwards. He stood up and walked towards me as well.

The bathroom door opened from behind me, acting as the record scratch to kill the moment. I turned around to find a beautiful woman who I instantly recognized emerging from the toilet.

She was in sweats, her curly hair in an unkempt bun, and not a spec of makeup was on her face. She was stunning and radiated beauty. Her presence also made my stomach drop down to my feet and my blood run cold.

Zendaya was just as surprised to see me, given that she stopped dead in her tracks. Her pretty eyes went wide, and she just stood there for a second. Surely she had to know who I was. She had to know what this meant.

She quickly composed herself. “Alright, I'm out.” And she turned on her heel and left the room.

As soon as the door shut, I turned back to Tom. He had a guilty look on his face.

“What was the point of getting me over here?” I asked, feeling dumber and dumber by the second.

“I miss you,” he told me.

“Why was she here?”

“She's my friend.”

I narrowed my eyes. I looked at the bed, the unmade sheets. Then I practically dived for the mattress, which made Tom go a little crazy.

“No!” he yelled as he grabbed me around the waist.

I reached for something to get away, but I only got ahold of the duvet. I thrashed and tried to elbow my way out of his hold, but he was strong. The duvet was pulled back as Tom manhandled me, and I saw what I needed to see.

A tiny bit of red lace under the sheets said more than enough.

“You cheated!” I cried out. “You fucking cheated!”

Tom pushed me against the wall, trying to hold my flailing arms down. “Hey, hey, listen to me!”

“You asshole! You piece of shit!” I yelled in his face. I angrily pounded on his chest with my fists, tears coming out of my eyes.

He grabbed my wrists and cornered me. “Shut up!”

That worked. I froze in my place, now feeling small and trapped.

“I did not cheat, we've been broken up, remember?” he said harshly. “I called you here to tell you that I live here now, and I wanted to work things out.”

I sniffed and tilted my head. “H-Here?”

“Well, not here. My flat isn't ready yet, not for another day. Anyway, that doesn't matter. I've missed you, and I shouldn't have let you go.”

“You're so full of shit. You expect me to believe that when you've got Zendaya’s underwear in your bed?!”

He didn't try to deny it. “What, like you haven't slept with anyone else? She was the only one!”

“So you basically moved on.”

“I tried, but I couldn't. I made a mistake.” He loosened his grip on my arms, and his expression softened. “I love you, only you. I understand if you don't believe me, but it's true. I just want to be with you.”

He gave me those puppy eyes and kissed my hands. He brought my hands to his chest, making me feel his heartbeat.

“I don't believe you,” I said honestly. That was the most honest I would be today.

Why would he want me again? What was it about me that made him pick me over every other person he's probably seen? I wasn't anything worth fighting for. He made that clear only a few months ago.

Tom leaned in and softly kissed my cheek. “Please…” He kissed my jaw. “What do I have to do?”

“Stop talking to her,” I said without missing a beat. I hadn’t even finished the thought before it spilled out of my mouth.

That made him lean back, surprised. “Seriously?”

“I know. I don't like being against other women but… if I see you with her again… I don't know what I'll do.” I paused. “And you can't go out to bars and places like that unless I'm with you.”

“Babe, come on…” He took a step back and thought for a second. “If I can't hang out with my friends, then you're not allowed to hang out with Nessa.”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Don't give me that look. She's got you doing all sorts of stupid shit!”

“Oh, like you've never done stupid shit with your friends!”

“Well, I can't anymore because I'm not allowed!”

I pushed him away. It was pointless to come here.

“Hey, I didn't say I wouldn't do it!” Tom called after me as I walked towards the door. When I ignored him, he went after me.

He grabbed my arm and pushed me against the wall again. This time, he kissed me on the mouth. For a split second, I fought back, not wanting anything to do with him. But he was just so enticing and delicious that my body quickly gave in, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. I did miss the feeling, after all. There was nobody like Tom.

Next thing I knew, he was lifting me up by my legs and holding me up against the wall. His hips fit perfectly against mine, and his touch was getting a lot more addicting. I gripped the back of his head with one hand and dug my nails into his back with the other, not wanting to let go. His hands felt up my ass and pulled me in even closer. I missed this, I missed it when it was from Tom.

But then he stopped. He put me down and stepped back. He was breathless, but he looked at the floor.

“Why…?” I whispered, now left wanting more. Was this not what I came here for?

“Let’s save this for when I’m in my new place,” he suggested. “This room has gone through enough as it is.”

I glanced at the bed behind him. I could still see the red lace. Now I could understand why these things happened. We were broken up, we didn’t owe each other anything, simple as that. He did what he had to do to move on, but it seems that it didn’t work, and that was baffling. Why would he pick me over someone like Zendaya?

“So, where are we at now?” I asked.

“Let’s take things slow, yeah?” he replied.

“Good idea.” Everything he said sounded like a good idea.

~

I went back home with the promise that I would see him later. My legs felt like jelly as I walked through my front door, and my head was spinning with lovesickness. For the first time in a while, I felt content. I had a smile on my face as I threw my shoes off and dropped my bag on the floor.

I went out to the backyard and sat by the pool, scrolling on my phone. The outside world - cyber and physical - seemed so weird now that my little world with Tom was building up again. It was like nothing else mattered.

I felt a small snap of reality when Nessa texted me. My stomach sank a little bit because I remembered the deal I had made. So now I was stuck with a choice.

“We still on for tonight??”

What happening tonight? What was I supposed to tell her? I tried to type, but the screen froze and my phone grew hot. Then, the device restarted on itself, leaving me with the black Apple screen.

“God decided for me, I guess,” I said as I placed my phone on table.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on my front door, followed by it opening. I sat up, completely distracted from my thoughts, and I watched Nancy and Charlotte enter the vicinity. Neither of them looked happy. In fact, they both looked incredibly pissed off.

“You are an irresponsible woman with no regard for the rules!” Charlotte yelled. Guess there was no time for a greeting. “You had specific instructions to not leave the property and what do you do? You get photographed outside Tom Holland's hotel in West Hollywood! Not only that, you were also seen almost causing a crash on the 405! Do you have any idea what you've done?”

“I have a boyfriend again,” I replied softly.

The two women looked at each other for a moment.

“You're talking about Tom?” Nancy asked, and I nodded. “And you didn't consult with us? If you wanted to do another PR-”

“It's not PR!” I snapped as I stood up from the couch. “Some of these relationships in Hollywood are real, you know! He wanted to see me!”

Nancy was about to retort, but her phone started ringing. She pulled it out of her purse and looked at the screen. “Ah, it's your boyfriend's publicist! Can't wait for this conversation!” She answered and went into the kitchen.

“You were supposed to wait for the public to stop talking about the bar incident before stepping outside again,” Charlotte scolded. “You were supposed to speak to one of us before leaving!”

I shrugged. If I hadn't gone to the hotel, what would have happened? Tom probably would have continued to fuck Zendaya, and maybe I would have slept the whole day.

“He's a sweetheart and I have to look better in front of the world,” I said simply. Maybe if I put it in her terms, she would come around. “It'll work. And if not, he and I can see each other privately.”

“But you've already seen each other publicly, that's the problem!”

I rolled my eyes. Enough was enough. “Someone loves me! Tom still loves me! I'm not just gonna give that up!”

“God, you're just as irrational as you were the day he left you,” Charlotte grumbled.

At that moment, the rage boiled over and I was a hair away from slapping her across the face. My hand jerked halfway up to do so, but Nancy entered the room again, cutting the tension.

“I have some things to go over,” she announced, oblivious to the air in the room.

“What'd they say?” I asked, masking my anger.

“They think yours and Tom's reputations balance each other out. You'll make him look more mature and grown, and he'll make you look responsible and down-to-earth,” she explained. “There will be a couple of PR outings where the two of you will act like friends and nothing more. We'll leave the rest for the fans to speculate.”

“Well, I'm seeing him either way, so…” I mumbled.

“But you need to behave yourself in public. No more bars and parties, alright?” Nancy said with a warning tone.

“Got it.”

_____

next.