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insidethecrack · 7 years

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Make Schizophrenia Great Again

I realised a few weeks ago that I was living with schizophrenia for 10 years now. HAPPY BIRTHDAY I guess. I was asked when was the birthday day, but I don’t think there is such a thing. This whole thing started when I was 16, then it got worse and worse until The Worst happened around my twenty, since then, we’re slowly recovering. So basically I guesss it’s more 11 years now… (in French we say “time goes by so fast when you’re having fun) Anyway, I think it was time to celebrate. There is a lot of negativity on this blog, not because my life is always dark, but because the dark parts are the one in need of explanation. So today, we’re going to talk in a more lightful way. We’re going to talk about what I’ve learned so far, what has been improved. Sometimes, it’s good too to look at the bright side !

[1] We were right on how to deal with this It might sound silly or childish - and perhaps it is, I don’t really care for what it worths, it’s not the point - but it is very important. My scchizophrenia has filled my mind with thoughts that weren’t mine, with words that weren’t mine. I wake up and don’t know whose body it is. Etc. We already covered this isssue I think. It is already a terrible thing to experience, but the shrinks made it worse. Yes,the people who were supposed to help made it worse. They didn’t listen when I said the meds were killing me. They said contradictory things. Some even threw things like "this is not what you feel” at my face. This is one of the most violent thing I ever lived (and I am schizophrenic so…). I cut my treatment against all medical advices. I don’t say this is the thing to do (or maybe I do, but maybe don’t do it the way I did), but no one would listen to me. Seriously, here is a conversation I had with the psychiatrist :

me : meds are killling me… I’m afraid I’m getting addicted to them. My body is not functionning well. The voices are louder. I want to stop, I need to stop. him : we should raise the dosage

This is verbatim. We could write a whole article about violences like this one, and we probably will. So it felt like our only option was to jump the cliff. We stopped everything : meds and shrinks. Because they were only proving that my mind was a wreck you couldn’t trust, I couldn’t trust. “not all shrinks” but at that time, I wasn’t lucky. I am still struggling with the idea that my mind worths something. But I was right and they were wrong. There are other answers, better answers, answers that fitted my needs way better.

[2] We learned to listen This is probably the most important thing to learn, whether you’re neurotypical or not. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not harder to do when you’re neurotypical. I mean, I litteraly have voices screaming when something is wrong. And monsters appears when something scary is happening. So… I wonder how you do that without any material manifestation of your thoughts (or maybe neurotypical are all geniuses living in a world of abstract ideas ?)(don’t worry, so many neurotypicals cried on my shoulder, I know this is all as confused for you as it is for me, it’s jut not the same kind of confused). There will be a whole article on this, about what I call the “schizophrenic linguistics”. I call it this way because it’s my discovery of the linguistic sciences which really helped me. It’s a bit complicated and I’ll explain further later, but for now on, just consider this : monsters and voices are not happening randomly. They mean something. They happen to say something. Something I can’t deal with, or I can’t handle at the moment. So these thoughts I can’t process (too violent, too dangerous, or just out of words and language) take the shape of voices / monsters. And you know how they say that a soap bubble is round because it’s the most suited shape for its purpose ? Well, it’s the same for schizophrenia. Voices and monsters don’t have random shape. There is a reason why a voice gets mean and insulting, or why carnivorous plants are suddenly growing in my bed. As scary as they are, we learned to listen to them, to decode them, to translate them. And the difference is huge. 10 years ago, life was a permanent nightmare only interrupted by the moments I passed out. Now, the number of delirious crisis a year can be counted on my hands. I hear or see things on a daily basis, but most of them are now unharmful. Because we listen, we pay attention. So they don’t need to yell or throw things at me to get my attention. It’s still not perfect, and shit happens every once in a while. As I say, schizophrenia is no exact science. But we’re getting better.

[3] There are many ways to understand the world Chemistry was not the solution for us. Linguistic was. And believe me, I don’t think it’s something anyone could have planned. I don’t even pretend it’s the solution for other schizophrenic people. This confirmed something I knew for a very long time : words rule my world. Language was my only solution against the madness. What can be named can be understood can be explained can be mastered. So I clung to them even tighter than before and I dived even deeper into linguistic, making it a central piece of my PhD work (in theatre!). I rely on words, language and linguistic to understand the world, a world full of monsters and mean voices that I decided to consider real. And this, this taught me to accept any vision of the world. Not to say that I agree with any visions. But I am able to accept that your world can be completely different from mine. You believe in God and your faith has tons of proofs of his existence? Ok. You believe you’re a wolf trapped in the body of a human ? Ok. You believe abortion should be forbidden because you defend life at all cost (including the mother’s life) ? Ok, I think youre an ignorant assholes but ok, I can understand how someone comes to think so. Sometimes, I feel like my mind is water : it has no hape of its own and will simply embrace the shape of the bottle. It’s not always easy, but thanks to this, I’m able to switch from one point of view to another in a very short second. Therefore, I’m an excellent mediator and translator...

[4] I can translate neurotypical I’ve learned how to communicate with neurotypical. I often say I should have a personal life translator to communicate with them, because neurotypical doesn’t know how to language properly. Sorry to tell you, this too will probably fill a whole article, but it’s terrible how neurotypical people never ask the question they truely want to be answered. You always have to guess. This might sound obscure to you, so here are a few examples (all true stories, obviously) :

him : would you be interested to watch this movie ? > true question : would you like to watch it with me ?

her : do you want to see the pictures of my travel ? > true question : can I show you the pictures of my travel because it’s important to me ? (important = her need to share, not what I want)

him : what are you reaing / watching ? > true question : hey I’m bored and trying to connect with you

her [at a funding interview] : it’s not a question but there are plurilingual plays in the Middl Age. *silence implying I have to speak* > true meaning : WTH I STILL DON’T KNOW PLEASE SOMEBODY FUCKING TELL ME

As you can see, I know the translation for some of them now. Unfortunately, I still got lost in translation every once in a while (which can be hurtful both for me and the other person, and this is terrible because the person doesn’t even know why they’re hurt and I have no clue how I could have avoided it since I just answered their question). I’ve developped tools to translate : some kind of idiomatic lexic, ways to reformulate the person’s question so I can make sure I fully understood (or they can correct it). In case of despair, my tendancy to overrecord every information is useful because it allows me to ask friends for a translation by telling them the whole story with all the details. Neurotypical can’t language and I can’t communicate. But I’m improving, so the neurotypical around me are getting better at languaging too since they have to be very clear when they talk to me, and they keep this ability with others. EVERYONE WINS... thanks to my broken mind. (you’re welcome)

[5] I help neurotypical better languaging So my relatives are now way more careful when they talk because they had to use a most accurate language. But I keep fighting for a better use of language (because, once again, I am not its only victim, it’s just that I am a conscious victim of language). And I happened to be at the perfect place for this fight : I’m a teacher. At the university, I taught methodology and theatre analysis to the first years students. I overexplained all the university rules, their how and why, translated the new words they will constantly hear, explained them when to worry when to take a step away. When I could, I did my best to say outloud what was just implied (but still required !). It was very important to me that the first years students understand this universe as soon as possible, maybe it’s even more important than their studies. My thought was : if you know the rule, then you can properly play the game and even play the rules.But if you don’t, you will be eaten by the rules, sooner or later, no matter if you worked hard... University can be a very obscur and absurd world when you first come to it and I remember the frustration of not even knowing where to look for an information... And today, every once in a while, I still waste time and energy and credibility because I can’t catch the underlined rules that everyone consider granted but never explained.

I’m also a private teacher of... English ! And I think I’m a good one. Because I understand so much how you can find yourself fighting with the words. I know the frustration of being unable to be understood, or to understand the other. I know the fear of talking. I know the “it should be simple but it’s fucking hard for me” feeling. I get it. Even if English is now obvious to me, as obvious as my natural French, I understand all of this. So I’m very patient with my students. I always say : my job is not to teach you English, my job is to learn how you think, how your thought process goes so I can help you learning English. The rest is nothing but grammar. And grammard is not so hard when you know how to put it in your brain. I love the way my students always ask me unexpected questions. Nothing in language is obvious, nothing is definitive. And their questions always move me to a new point. It changes my view on things. Which can help me better understand the problem of the next student. I never sell my students miracle or magic ways. I’m always honest with them “no, I have no idea how much time you’ll need to be fluent” “no, there is no absolute rule”. My ability to listen and my extreme empathy help me be a better language teacher : I know the intimate relationship we have with language.

[6] I create new unexpected connections. Schizophrenic brains don’t have boarders. This will be better explain when I’ll write the article about linguistic (because this is what helped me understand that part too)(linguistic is my new sexy religion), but my thoughts are not stocked into clear boxes. And when I say “thoughts” I mean : feeling + knowledge + memories + cooking recipe + songlyrics + random unnamed stuffs + probably something that was chocolate before being forgotten here for years. My thought process is a train : one wagon pulls another which pulls another which pulls another and by the end of a sentenc I may not remember how I started it and how I ended up here. It may sound very messy, and it is, but sometimes it’s a very good thing. Because I create new connections neurotypical don’t or can’t see. And these connections are obvious to me.

Maybe you need a concrete example on this one. My PhD subject is about multilingual theatre. It was already the subject of my master’s thesis. The first thing you do when starting a research like that is check what have been done. And gues what was done for my subject ? Nothing. Or so little... The way I wanted to work on this has never been experienced before. I was even told it was impossible. But I’m one of this people who answer “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED” when you tell them they can’t do something. And I fucking did it. And I had all the possible congratulations. So I moved on with the PhD, still on multilingual theatre, but with a different approach. (I want to work more on the connection between music and language on these plays) Lately, we had to asses the work I did during my first year. One of the teacher of the committe told me that “it’s very new what you’re doing. Usually, people work on this question either with socio-linguistic or musicology, but not both in the same time. Plus, the way you connect music and lanugage through the voice sounds very promising and new”. Yep, voices may be the key. All it takes to get that was a schizophrenic PhD student.

[7] I’m still alive, still not crazy Maybe it’s the most important thing. Here is a list of achievements :

I went back to university and finally found my place. I did a great master’s thesis, currently fighting for my PhD

I directed two theatre plays

I acted in many others, including some with professional directors with whom I got out of my confort zone

I met some of my best friends today, tolerant and inclusive friends who are always here to translate the world for me. I was also in a couple and had some one night stands.

I published a novel, wrote several theatre plays, still writing

I tried to enter in many theatre school (even if it didn’t work, that wasn’t something I could imagine doing 10 years ago, when I chose univeristy because there is no selection to go in)

I teach ! I’m scared to hurt people whenever I open my mouth to talk, but... I teach. And I’m good at it !

I’m still not very good to defend myself but working on it.

Some of the voices are now able to communicate in less sybilin messages.

It’s been some hell of a roadtrip. And we’re far from over.

It’s a long way home. Luckyly, we learned what were the best shoes to walk such long distances.

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