#and melisandre's fuckin ANCIENT MAN

[ladyimaginarium]

HERE’S AN AGE CHART of my muses, from youngest to oldest, ranging from six years old to before the creation of the earth itself. However, keep in mind that all the muses are placed due to a canon / default status, ie in Audaces Fortuna Juvat, Yuki Shiro is sixteen where he is around the time of participating in the Chunin Exams despite being four years older than Momoka, while Uchiha Momoka, in her default verse, is twenty eight years old, despite being four years younger than Shiro, and Shiro would be older than her at this time, and that timelines technically can make a character far older than other despite being the same age in their default canon ie Merida, as she was born pre-Roman Empire Britannia, would be far older, than say, Rapunzel, who was living in the late Medieval Period, who is the same age in her default canon.

AGES 6-10: Ivanka Glaziev-Abaddonato ( 6 ), Lilo Pelekai ( 7 ), Mariana Garcia ( 7 ), Christo Jr. Clark / CJ ( 8 ), Uchiha Akio ( 10 ).

AGES 11-14: Heather Hosannah ( 11 ), Fusa Arashi ( 11 ), Nina Arcangelo Nicci ( 12 ), Hitoshi Sora / Colt ( 13 ), Loretta Christiano Amodio ( 14 ), Tamamushi Takiko ( 14 ).

AGES 15-19: Arthur Woods ( 15 ), Lancelot Green ( 15 ), Ariel ( 16 ), Aurora ( 16 ), Belle ( 16 ), Cinderella ( 16 ), Merida ( 16 ), Rapunzel ( 16 ), Moana ( 16 ), Jasmine ( 17 ), Tiana ( 17 ), Matoaka/Pocahontas ( 17 ), Aaliyah Jasmine Allbright Cree ( 17 ), Ashara Dayne ( 16 ), Lyanna Stark ( 16 ), Myrcella Baratheon ( 16 ), Guinevre Weasley ( 16 ), Luna Lovegood ( 16 ), Goemon Ishimaru ( 16 ) Nezumi ( 16 ), Uchiha Chiyoko ( 16 ), Sigrid Ylva Viktoria / Sig ( 16 ), Homatsu Mizuto ( 16 ), Yuki Shiro ( 16 ), Uchiha Ryuunosuke ( 18 ), Uchiha Kimiko ( 18 ), Margaery Tyrell ( 17 ), Sansa Stark ( 17 ), Clementine Maria Jasmine Cree ( 18 ), Louis Leto Lacroix ( 18 ), Aasim Anand Acharya ( 19 ), James Reed Fairbanks ( 19 ), Terumi Akane ( 19 ), Minerva Stella Williams ( 19 ), James Dae Young ( 19 ), Emilio Adetokunbo Benedetto ( 19 ).

AGES 20-99: Haruno Sakura ( 20 ), Yamanaka Ino ( 20 ), Hyuga Hinata ( 20 ), Inuzuka Kiba ( 20 ),  Uchiha Takehiko ( 20 ), Elsa ( 21 ), Daenerys Targaryen ( 21 ), Asha Greyjoy ( 22 ), Arianne Martell ( 22 ), Sabaku no Gaara ( 22 ), Sabaku no Temari ( 24 ), Uchiha Haruka ( 24 ), Erica Abaddonato ( 24 ), Constance Raveau ( 25 ), Newton Artemis Fido Scamander ( 26 ), Delico Abaddonato ( 26 ), Jinhai Yang ( 26 ), Nicodemius “Cody” Balfour ( 26 ), Uchiha Aiko ( 26 ), Uchiha Momoka ( 28 ), Bellatrix Barcelona Belladonna / Beretta ( 28 ), Diego Montes ( 29 ), Hitoshi Masaru / Minimi ( 31 ), Mitarashi Anko ( 31 ), Terumi Mei ( 31 ), Hatake Kakashi ( 31 ) Theodoros “Theo” d’Angelo ( 31 ), Maverick Estelle Claire / Maverick ( 34 ), Akasuna no Sasori ( 35 ), Konan ( 35 ), Ava Adebowale ( 35 ), Asha Mandadapu ( 36 ) Christa Clark ( 36 ), Sirius Black ( 36 ), Nii Tora ( 36 ), Otenki B ( 37 ), Mei DeCaruso ( 38 ), Diana Cree ( 39 ), Edmund DeCaruso ( 40 ), Sarutobi Sasuke ( 44 ), “Ser” Regina “Gina” Paulklee ( 48 ), Sherissa Christiano Amodio ( 50 ).

AGES 100+: Uchiha Madara ( 105 ), Uzumaki Mito ( 106 ), Senju Toka ( 109 ), Alice Cullen ( 119 ), Jack Skellington ( 260 ), Visenya Targaryen ( 271 ).

Age 1000+: Melisandre ( somewhere near the beginning of the Valyrian Freehold when the Ghiscari Wars ended ) ; Kurama ( 10,000 years after Kaguya ascended to become the moon ).

BEFORE THE WORLD’S CREATION: Otsutsuki Kaguya ( light years beyond human understanding )

AGES UNDETERMINED: Experiment 626 / Stitch & Tinkerbell.

I hope this clarifies everything and with that said, if you have any questions regarding this, let me know!

[lesmotsincompris]

Thoughts on GoT S07E04

We’ve hit the halfway mark!

Do you know that feeling when someone tells you a joke and you know it’s supposed to be funny and you know what about is meant to make you laugh, but it just doesn’t work for you and you don’t laugh at all? That’s how I feel about GoT’s big moments, about it’s ‘epicness’ and ‘badassery’.

In this episode, most of the scenes were either “of all the possible book points, are they gonna bring THAT and THIS WAY?” or “why is this scene happening?”. I was surprisingly indifferent too, considering the butchery of long-time favorite characters.

But more under the cut.

Winterhell

Look, I love the Starks. I know it’s cliche, but Jon, Arya, and Sansa are my three favorite characters in all of A Song of Ice and Fire. That’s no small feat. I love all the Starks, and the direwolves, and the people of Winterfell, and the little bits we learn of Northern culture and memory.

So you can imagine I’m angry at the show.

It’s been a while since the Stark siblings stopped being the same characters as their book counterparts, but at this point they’re not even interesting characters in their own right. D&D simply don’t care say about the Starks or what they represent, though I can imagine they love these foul show creations they put in their place.

Out of all possible book points, they decided to bring back Bran’s assassination attempt. In the books, Joffrey was responsible for it, but I feel in the show they’re gonna pin the whole thing on Littlefinger. How? He wasn’t even in Winterfell, he wasn’t even aware that Bran was comatose.

“That very question is what started the War of The Five Kings,” says Littlefinger. That means “I know we’re bringing this back far too late, so here’s some backsposition for you to remember what we’re talking about.” I see what they want with this: they want to blame Littlefinger for the WOT5K so that we feel a lot of Dramatic Satisfaction™ when Arya enacts her revengey revengeful revenge on him.

Other than that, Littlefinger is there mostly to lust after Sansa, because that’s not creepy at all. There’s no reason he has to follow her around and I can’t see why she doesn’t give him something else to do. 

Oh, and they brought back the ‘chaos is the ladder’ speech, because D&D are onanists.

I have this pet theory that Isaac Hempstead-Wright accidentally did something to piss off D&D, because they butchered his character years ago and now are even preventing him from acting. “You died in that cave” is a retcon, because if I recall correctly Bran wasn’t acting like a robot last season.

Now that a wheelchair replaced 90% of Meera’s role in the story, she can quietly melisandre away. Aren’t D&D classy and subtle in how they get rid of characters they no longer want to write?

The guards of Winterfell are mean to Arya, because people in Westeros are mean to everyone in every possible occasion. Why was this scene here? Only so that we could see what a great ninja Arya has become, after being beaten with a stick for two seasons?

I like the concept of Arya and Sansa meeting in the crypts, but once again we only have one Stark sibling acting per scene.

“I wish I had” “Me too”. FUCK YOU, SHOW. FUCK YOU, D&D. I CURSE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN. I CURSE EVERY IRRESPONSIBLE FRIEND, TEACHER, OR TV CRITIC THAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT TWO WORDS TOGETHER SUCCESSFULLY. I CURSE THAT HEINOUS FUCKERY YOU CALL A WRITING. I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FLAMING MOUNTAIN OF POOP.

Stark sisters bonding over murder. Great. You know, the pattern of gleeful murder in this show is deeply disturbing. All female characters actively enjoy murdering: Arya, Sansa, Ellaria, Cersei, Daenerys, Brienne, Yara... The same doesn’t happen with male characters, and even the likes of Sandor or Bronn don’t get high on carnage. The only male characters who truly enjoy a good butchery are villains like Ramsay, Euron, or the Mountain. I’ll just leave this information here for you to think about it.

Overall their meeting looked very stiff; I know Sansa and Arya weren’t the best of friends, but there’s something rigid in their acting and dialogue that made the moment bland for me. And we already know it doesn’t take much for me to appreciate a Stark meeting.

There’s a difference between exploring the consequences of Sansa’s rape and inserting little nods to it that mean nothing but “hey, remember that time we made everyone angry by raping Sansa Stark?”. I see a lot of the latter, not much of the former.

A few weeks ago conspiracy theorists were going crazy over Sansa’s hair being styled like Cersei’s. Where are they now that Sansa is using Daenerys’ weird-braid-circle style in her hair? Can we just stop with the crack theories?

Brienne admits she did next to nothing to reunite the Stark siblings. Poor book!Brienne, the one true knight of Westeros, your kindness and hope had no chance and no choice in D&D’s grimfest. At least show!Brienne was nice to Pod for the first time in ages. Character development!

That didn’t last long, though, and in her next scene she shoved him aside because she found a more important character to fight. Fighting is all Brienne does in the show. 

This fighting scene with Arya was as lazy as it was fanservice-y. Brienne defeated the Hound, but now Arya’s smirking at her and displaying her ninja skills. Does that mean Arya could defeat the Hound? Please, D&D, don’t answer that.

What was the point of this scene? What did it accomplish other than pure fanservice? Why were we seeing Sansa and fuckin’ Littlefinger’s reactions to this?

Every little bit of Winterfell was a mess. Fuck the show.

Dragonstone

Jon took Dany to the Westerosi equivalent of Lascaux, carved in ancient times when people only had enough blue ink for the White Walkers’ eyes and nothing more.

It would be really lazy if some carvings in a cave were all it took to convince Dany of the White Walker threat, so I’m glad they didn’t follow that route. But then I must ask: why was this scene here? Did it tell us anything new?

Again Dany comes across as this entitled brat that makes it all about her, her, her. I genuinely cackled when she said “I will fight for you, I will fight for the North… when you bend the knee”. She tells Jon to stop being so proud, but all this knee talk makes her look self-centered. Again we get a reasonable man and an unreasonable woman. I’m not angry at Dany, I’m angry at the two idiots that write her.

Good thing that Dany blamed Tyrion for the loss of her armies, but I wish the narrative could recognize that his plan was stupid even before Cersei used a cheat code. 

Dany asks Jon for advice, because when a woman loses the man that tells her what to do she must find another man to tell her what to do. It doesn’t matter that she barely knows him, gods forbid Dany thinking on her own. But hey, show!Jon is just as incompetent as show!Dany or show!Tyrion, so maybe they can be incompetent together.

Davos became a character that makes boob jokes, stans Jon, and flirts with Missandei. That’s the extension of his arc or inner conflicts. Oh poor Davos.

Alfie Allen is too good for this.

King’s Landing

THE GOLDEN COMPANY, OH MY FUCKING LORD. Out of all possible book points… Also filed under: cutting Aegon is hurting the story in more ways than expected.

Somewhere over the Reach

That part reminded me a lot of Skyrim, from the gold ingots to the way the dragons were animated. During the battle I couldn’t help but imagine the Dovahkiin theme song playing.

I forgot that show!Bronn was a thing. Lucky me.

Out of all possible reasons to turn Jaime against Cersei, why is fuckin’ Olenna Tyrell one of them? Jaime seems more affected by Olenna’s words than by Cersei blowing up the sept.

Come on, show, Jaime killed the king he swore to protect because the guy threatened to do what Cersei did last season. The septsplosion should have been Jaime’s worst nightmare coming true, the perfect reason to finally break up with his sister-lover. If that’s not enough to at least give him conflicted feelings, nothing should ever be enough to separate Jaime and Cersei. Ever. They’re the skeletons in Lost now, together until the end.

Forget conflict, we have a few armies to teleport. 

A few episodes ago I assumed the Dothraki went to Casterly Rock with the Unsullied, but they didn’t. But what were they supposed to be doing, then? Dany didn’t plan to attack the Lannister army until very recently, what were her original plans for the Dothraki? Just hanging out in Dragonstone?

Is it me or even the Dothraki ‘battle cry’ sounds racist?

The battle scene was too orange, but at least I could actually see things. The CGI of Dany in Drogon’s back was beyond terrible, but Drogon itself looked good. It better look good, four direwolves had to die for that. 

That was it for the scorpion? I mean, nobody actually thought it would kill a dragon, but this was beyond anticlimactic. Why bother inserting this at all?

Tyrion has inner life? What show am I watching? Peter Dinklage does a great job conveying Tyrion’s feelings at the sight of the Lannister army being decimated. Too bad he doesn’t look nearly as affected when his queen Dany falls out of her dragon.

Seriously, what were the stakes for this battle? Did anyone thought Dany, Tyrion, or even Jaime could die? In the best case scenario, D&D would be burning their budget (literally) to cause Bronn or Dickon Tarly’s death.

Hey, don’t look at me like that; Dickon Tarly has more personality than most of the cast at this point.

Extra notes

Can I admit that I nearly hissed at D&D’s names when I saw them in the opening credits?

See you next week for the later half of this mess.

[blacknerdproblems]

Maaaaaaan, listen. Must be hurricane season at Dragonstone cuz the storm kickin’ up something vicious. Tyrion and Varys say that shit is like when Daenerys was born, hence her XBOX Live gamertag StormBornWhtLox. Dany up in here like a petulant pre-teen pouting about not being able to go outside during a thunderstorm and shit. Varys start spittin’ about how Cersei lying on her crown, that she ain’t really reppin’ the realm like that because so many kingdoms have turned on her. Now they heard that Daenerys knockin’ that Slick Rick, talkin’ about the Ruler is back and they ready to follow her to the thrown. Daenerys is like, “Oh word?”

But because betrayals come in pairs, GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER AND DIDN’T EVEN BRING NO WINE?!?! Melisandre’s ancient ass show up on the door step to get an audience with the queen. She start speaking Valryian like we supposed to be impressed. EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM SPEAK VALYRIAN BISH, STOP PLAYIN. Greyworm knows 27 words and he can speak Valryian. That’s like when the corny fuckbois vacation in Puerto Rico and try to speak their semesters worth of barely passing Spanish to every woman they see. Fuck outta here man. Dany is like, well, figures you show up since I’m apparently in the pardoning muthafuckas that once pledged to another king mood tonight.

Melisandre start talking about the prophecy and I’m like are you fuckin’ serious. Lord of Light be bestowing blessings on everyfuckingbody man. Lord of Light be picking at the bottom of the NBA Draft talkin’ about, “fuck it, we’ll just take the best left available.” If Thrones went on for two more seasons, she’d be somewhere telling Hot Pie he’s the Prince that’s Promised. Melisandre gotta have the most fucked Linked-In, in Westeros, bruh. Just L’s for like two pages.

Read on here [x]