#and my hair. cannot dry weird tonight. normally I would not care but god. there is no redos on the photos 😭 I am so. yeah.

[taketheringtolohac]

I’ve literally never considered using a blow dryer up until this point in my life. Like I get it now.

[beautywithinana]

I really don’t know how to explain how i’m feeling, it’s october! Relapse season lol.

It’s so weird because i am happy, like i have an amazing boyfriend, family and life. But i still want to starve myself, to get straight to the point. and i feel very fucking guilty for this. It’s been years man literally years and years and i am still at this point i literally cannot move past this and i don’t have anyone to turn to. My boyfriend said the other day, ‘oh well you don’t have one anymore’ or something like that after a conversation after seeing a saved video about anorexia, and i had to explain to him it’s more a mental battle than a physical one. Like il sit and eat more than ever but still feel guilty and shitty and plan to restrict the next day just to never do it and repeat. I am gonna relapse, can feel it. I just fear it will burden my relationship, i just don’t want my bf to feel guilty or even catch on tbh. I mean at the same time i do, so he can help me because i know he’s a pure soul that would do anything to help me, but i think that if i unleash this whole bag of demons on him it will just ruin thing ultimately. Sure he’d try help me, but i don’t think he could ever understand. And i really don’t want my family to find out, i don’t think they’d ever believe me. I’m know as a big eater and having a big appetite, i can eat anything and everything and quickly as well. If you told my mum i had an ed? she’s laugh, 100%. Not because she doesn’t care, she cares. But she simply couldn’t believe it. She’d tell me to get over myself, that she knows because she’s seen me eat large amounts that i definitely do not have an ed. But that is a whole part of it. i BINGE and i have for years and i feel horrific. like not just your regular oh no i ate to much il not eat that much tomorrow! It’s like a oh god i’ve done it again, AGAIN i’ve made myself who i am and i hate it, the food i just ate completely has just ruined my entire life and i’m never gonna like who i am. Dramatic, yes. But it’s how i feel. I just wish i could have a normal brain. And eating habits, and i wish i could appreciate myself and like myself just a little bit.

The hatred i have for myself is unmatched, if you were comparing it to my worst enemy i would get down on my knees and profess my love for them. I just cannot think of a single thing on my body that i actually think is even half decent.

My hair is thin, dry and shaggy

My eyes are boring

My nose is big

My lips are small and have no significance

My teeth are yellow and the bottom row are crooked

my upper arms are fat and have stretch marks

My chest forms roles on my underarm

My boobs are too big, not model big, saggy and unnecessarily big.

My stomach is hanging and big

my hips are uneven, one is large because of surgery and the other is flat as a box

my thighs are big and uneven, not a sexy nice big, a juggle stretch mark ache filled big.

Literally not one thing on my body is even remotely attractive. Seriously. I wish i was being dramatic but i’m just being honest.

I have no will power, i can’t say no to a takeaway or shit food or a binge at 3am when no one’s there to shame or see me eat so much. The only time i’m alone, when my boyfriend works nights, this i what i do. I scroll tumblr, tiktok and pinterest in inspiration to starve myself the next day. I also use the time to binge and i’m not even hungry. starts with a bad of chocolate, then two then three, then a takeaway with too much than what i can eat, 2 mains. 2 sides ext. And then i can guarantee you tomorrow, after this whole post, i will eat shit and not care until i go to bed and think about it and then il hate myself again.

You know i don’t really have ‘triggers’, but one thing that does really get to me is online shopping, it’s actually what got me here tonight. I have a code to redeem that i’ve had for months, like a £20 voucher on a online shop, and everytime i go on to see if there is something i like to use those code on, i set myself off. I find something i like, imagine what i would look like in it, and then i realise one of my flaws would be too on show. Okay next item i like, same thing happens. again and again and again. Until i realise i do not like how anything fits me, makes me look fat in one way or another, my arms my legs my stomach.

A t-shirt gets lifted by my boobs so looks baggier therefore makes me look fat.

Anything that isn’t long another to cover the top of my arms (like spaghetti straps) will show of my fat arms.

Tight tops show of my stomach.

There is literally no winning. I hate myself and i can’t even do anything about it because i am weak. No amount of this or that helps i’m just bad at everything. Can’t eat healthy, can’t eat nothing. Has to be unhealthy and everything all the fucking time it’s exhausting. I gained 2st since being with my bf, he says he can’t see a difference, but i can and i know he can too.

I actually showed him a picture of me in the depths of my disorder and he said he didn’t even think it was me, so he does see a change. And i looked GOOD in those photos. not abit of fat on me. didn’t think that at the time like. Just know he’s love and want me more if i looked like that again. It hurts me that i can’t be beautiful or confident for him because he deserves that from me. I just cannot feel attractive at all so i just feel he can’t feel that way either.

rant over 😄