#and now that im runningg out of time its making it worse
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I’ve unlocked the secret emotion that is just unbridaled panic
#its all fun and games listening to gary gulman talk abt his serious mental health issues until you remember that you also have serious#mental health issues#its all fun and game listening to gary gulman talk about mental illness like its a real actual illness that affects your daily life#negatively and makes it hard to function until you remember youre mentally ill with a real illness that makes it hard to function#tha depresh isnt nailing me as much as the anxiety rn#anxiety is putting it lightly. its more like an all devouring void of utter panic enveloping my entire sense of self and insinuating itself#into every molecule in my world#which is caused by responsibilities i have which makes me unable to do them which makes me feel worse which makes me unable to do them which#etc etc etc#like theres so much stuff i have to do and im running out of time#i have to practice my cello like. at all#i have to finish my essay !!! and the thing is i WANT TO write this essay!!! i want to !!!!! i love writing it i want to write it i enjoy it#but for NO REASON it fills me with dread to open up the doc to start on it#UTTER DREAD for NO REASON !!!!! because i WANT TO WORK ON IT BUT I PHYSICALLY CANT#and now that im runningg out of time its making it worse#and i wasted my whole break avoiding it and feeling guilty for not doing it so i havent relaxed ive always had it hanging over me and yes th#the obvious solution would be to just finish it then but i CANT i cant i wish i could say why but i physically cant i physically cannot#and i dont know why#well i do know why i know that its because i have fucked brsin chemistry#and its not the cause of the absolute wasteland of panic i’m in but its contributing its not HELPING its ADDING#but also i am in wasteland panic place just kind of for NO reason thats the. thing#thats the thing im just THERE#and also i found a new hyperfixation thing but i’m in that awful point like the Junkie Zone where everything that ISNT that thing just is#boring and i judt font csre and am BORED and IRRITATED AND ANNOYED with the whole WORLD for being so BORING compared to the one thing#and where i just have an itch to do the thing do the thing do the thing st all times#i mesn its the same system as addiction right its the dopamine reward system hyperfixations work the same stupid way where your brain cant#tear itself away from the thing and if it doesnt have it you enter mental meltdown mode???? why?!?!? adhd causes junkie brain and its#FRUSTRATING#god#i hate this
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