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silveraccent · 5 years ago

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‘Lil Vampy || Grace & Mina

TIMING: Pre-Full Moon PARTIES: @silveraccent @drowningisinevitable SUMMARY: Grace goes to campus to give a book to Blanche, but runs into a ‘vampire’ instead. Mina’s got the badge that saves them. CONTENT: Blood.

White Crest, despite all of its mysteries, always seemed to try and operate as normal. Despite the number of situations that Grace had found herself in, she was now wandering across a college campus to deliver a forgotten book to Blanche. Only recently had Grace found leaving her apartment not nearly as big of an inconvenience as she usually had. It had taken some time to find the courage, but once she had, she found herself settling into her apartment less and less, and instead, opting out for a park bench and her sketchbook. The stress of going back to work, as well as having to dish out her hard earned cash for her hospital stay were both looming, but if she refused to acknowledge them for a while longer, maybe it’d be easier to pretend that neither of those things existed. Grace crossed the short distance between the building that Blanche had told her she’d be waiting for her in, and waited outside, unable to gain access to the building without a badge. Grace frowned and leaned against the wall, sending Blanche a quick text, letting her know that she was outside. While she waited, she caught sight of a girl who was clearly struggling with her books. Hesitating, she peeled herself away from the wall and hurried over, “are you okay?” Grace asked her, leaning down to pick up one of the books that had dropped.

Perhaps, in an effort to stay busy and distracted by everything going on in her life, Mina had bitten off a bit more than she could chew. She was behind in her own classes, the classes that she taught, and the classes that she tutored in after having to deal with the death of her father, and, while professors were understanding, she’d been trying to get a handle on it before it, and she was! But getting a handle on her schoolwork meant she’d have to deal with her own problems, and she couldn’t do that right now, so she’d been looking for extra work. Which is how she ended up walking across campus with too many books, trying to get back to the cramped little office that she shared with her fellow maths masters students. When one fell, she huffed out a sigh, frustration and stress making a headache start to form behind her eyes. She needed to relax, soon, or else she was going to get a nosebleed. Just as she was about to try to bend down, a girl had already picked up her book for her. “Thank you!” Mina said, more than a little relieved. “Oh, I’m just… Books. Too many, yes?”

“Too many, I think.” Grace smiled at the girl before she looked down at the book in her hands. It looked identical to the one that Blanche had forgotten. She looked up from the book to the girl standing in front of her. “Do you need any help? I can get the door for you?” She offered, holding onto the book. She turned back towards it, then remembered she didn’t have the badge to gain entry. “I don’t… have a key, I don’t actually go here.” She gave the girl a small smile. She guessed luck was on her side. She could’ve waited for Blanche to arrive, but the longer she was on campus, the more she felt the anxiety from students who were prepping for exams and for homework that was obviously late.

“Serves me right, I suppose,” Mina said, laughing a bit. Too many books, too much work, too little time to think about things that caused her chest to ache. It wasn’t anything that she couldn’t handle, hadn’t handled before. “I’d appreciate it, truly. One second.” Adjusting as many of her books to one hand, Mina was able to fish her ID out of her bag before handing it to the girl gingerly. “Seriously, thank you. The scanner should be near the door.” She let the other girl scan them into the building. They seemed to be about the same age, and the girl didn’t give Mina the same prickling sensation she got when she was around other Fae, which already filled Mina with a sense of relief and guilt. “I’m Mina, by the way. Mina Fitzroy. What brings you to campus? Are you looking into taking classes?”

Grace took the badge and slapped it against the small device on the wall. When the light lit up, she grabbed the door and wrenched it back, stepping to the side so that her company could walk through. She stepped inside shortly after. “No, thank you!” Grace smiled at her, shifting her weight to her other foot, twisting slightly so that she could hear the girl better when she began to introduce herself. She hadn’t realized how many of her mannerisms she would have to change with the sudden loss-- it had made her acutely aware of her positioning, sometimes annoyingly so. “Mina? I’m Grace, it’s nice to meet you.” She smiled at Mina before lifting her hands up, palms facing the girl, “Oh, no. I’m just here to drop off a book for a friend. She forgot it.” Grace turned her attention towards the hallway, stopping cold at the sound of a loud shriek.

“Nice to meet you, too, Grace,” Mina said with a smile, though it was a bit tired. But it was nice to meet Grace, and she was grateful for the help with her books. She hadn’t even thought about the near impossibility opening the door by herself would have been, especially since she was dropping books without having to worry about the impossibility of opening a door. “Well, you’re a very good friend for coming all the way onto campus just to deliver a book.” She couldn’t think of many people who would do that. “That’s really sweet of--” The shrieking cut Mina off, and she turned to watch as a girl was being chased by another, one in a cape and with blood dripping down her face. Both of them were headed towards Mina and Grace. The girl in the cape… Mina squinted at her before her eyes widened. It was Jo, a girl from her beginner level statistics class. Jo, who had fangs and blood dripping from her mouth but… Jo wasn’t a vampire. Mina knew she wasn’t a vampire, had seen Jo out and about in broad daylight. The only thing vampiric about Jo was her love of cheesy vampire novels and her desire to dress up as one for Halloween. But…

“Vampire! Vampire!” the girl being chased screamed out, blood dripping from her neck. Mina looked at Grace, eyes wide. This wasn’t good.

Grace’s eyes grew large at the sight of the girl running, and she felt her breath catch in her throat at the sight of the individual who was running after her, her red cape billowing behind her. There was blood everywhere, or what Grace thought was blood. It had to be a joke-- a Halloween prank. There was no way that an actual vampire would dress like that, would it? Grace tried to reason with the fact that vampires weren’t--- weren’t what? She didn’t know all that White Crest harbored, didn’t know the extent of what lived underneath its soil. Grace grabbed Mina’s hand and dragged her backwards, towards the door that they had come through. “Go, we have to go.” She wasn’t sure when she had adopted her flight response over the voice of reason to investigate what was happening, and maybe it was all that Grace had been through already, she wasn’t sure. The girl turned towards them, suddenly transfixed by their movements. “Oh no.” Grace felt her breath leave her.

A bit shocked by Grace grabbing her hand and pulling her away, Mina dropped her books, but, really, that was the least of their problems. “Running, alright. We can-- Yes, running is good.” She looked for the path of least resistance, anyway to get Grace and then herself away from harm. It was only when she noticed Jo’s startlingly red eyes watching them that she stilled for just a moment, her heart pounding, before she stood in front of Grace and put on a smile. “Jo? Jo, it’s Mina, from statistics? I just finished grading your homework, Jo. You did really good!” She took a step back, pushing against Grace to get her to do the same. She’d get Grace to safety, and then it might be best for her to cut herself and lead the vampire away. Her dad always told her that Fae blood was supposed to be sweet to them. Mina felt jittery, and she was shaking a little, but she was resolute in her decision that no one else was going to get hurt by Jo. What even happened? Had some vampire turned her because her costume offended them? It wasn’t that bad… Okay, it was bad, but still. “Have you started looking at the next lesson? Have you been looking over random variables.” Another step back. The vampire was just cocking her head at them. Mina prepared in case she decided to charge.

“What--” Grace spun around as Mina came to a half. Was she talking to them? Grace wasn’t sure why her first thought wasn’t a student lead haunted house, because that’s certainly where her mind would have gone, had she not been so used to the way White Crest mixed and mingled with odds that were, for the most part, unreal. Her jaw went slack as she took a step back, her eyes on the vampire, whose name was apparently Jo. How did Mina know a vampire? Or maybe this was all fake, maybe this was a part of it. Grace swallowed thickly, her heart hammering in her chest. It was loud in her ears, too. Mina’s words were lost on her-- she had no input on this quiz, so she stayed quiet, allowing Mina to try and lure out whoever Jo was, maybe to try and drag her out of whatever bloodlust she had found herself in. Grace took another careful step backwards, and apparently that was the wrong move. Jo leapt towards them, a scream leaving her throat as she did so.

For just a moment, Mina thought that she had a handle on Jo, thought that she was making the other girl see reason, before one misstep ruined it. She didn’t even have time to react as Jo managed to push past her towards Grace. Mina stumbled a bit over her own feet before she whipped around to see the “vampire” (she couldn’t be a vampire; she just couldn’t) on top of Grace. “Hey, no! Get off!” She attempted to pry Jo off of Grace, but whatever made her look like a vampire seemed to have given her the strength of one as well. This wasn’t possible. Jo had been in class just that morning, perfectly fine and human. There wasn’t-- She couldn’t have been changed that fast? Mina certainly didn’t think so. Vampire transformations usually took long hours if not days to come to fruition. She didn’t understand. Mina dug a few claws into the palm of her hand and wrapped her arms around Jo’s neck before smearing her sweet scented blood on her nose, close to where her mouth was on Grace. Grace’s blood touched Mina in a few places, causing her skin to sting where the iron hit and burned. But Jo seemed thoroughly distracted by Mina, by that point.

Grace had no time to react. She was hitting the ground, Jo on top of her. Before she knew what was happening, Jo was sinking her teeth into her arm. Grace let out a scream and attempted to push her off with her free hand, her fingers digging into the fabric of the girl’s shirt. “Get off of me!” Grace echoed Mina, struggling to get free from underneath Jo. Grace knew nothing about vampires, nothing past the Hollywood movies that had graced the magazines and movie theatres. Grace didn’t have time to think about the implications of what was happening, or what it meant when Jo bit her. Instead, Mina was above them now, Jo entirely distracted by the newcomer. Grace rolled from underneath of the two and quickly got off of the ground. Holding her arm against her, she stared wide-eyed at the two as Jo began to wrestle with Mina. Without knowing what to do, Grace picked up a book and chucked it at Jo’s head to dislodge her. “We’ve got to go!” Grace yelled at Mina, approaching her to drag her off of the ground, back towards the door.

Wrestling with Jo on the ground in an attempt to get the upper hand, it was all Mina could do to not bare sharp teeth and slash at the vampire with sharp claws. She couldn’t expose herself here, and she refused to fight. As soon as Jo reacted to the book that Grace threw, Mina knew she’d have to think clearly before the vampire attacked the other girl again. But Mina couldn’t hurt Jo, not when the girl was one of her students, not when she didn’t have a bloody idea about what was going on. As Grace pulled her up, Mina made a split second decision; she took Jo’s cape and wrapped it around Jo’s face, getting her tangled inside it. Then, she began to drag Grace through the building. “Go! Go! Get up the stairs! I’m going to--” As they ran, she began shoving racks of magazines and chairs and little tables, anything that wasn’t bolted to the floor, behind them, making it harder for the vampire to follow. “Turn left!” she told Grace, not even looking at where they were going. She knew this building like the back of her hand. The little office she occasionally worked out of when she wasn’t at the tutoring center was close. If they could get there, they might be home free.

“Wha-” Grace watched Mina work quickly. She was smart, she had to admit that. Grace followed Mina’s instructions and ran up the stairs. The building was a maze, especially because Grace hadn’t ever stepped foot in it before. The thuds behind her had Grace turning ever so slightly to watch as Mina created an obstacle course for Jo. She ran as fast as she could, her chest already beginning to burn. When Mina yelled to turn left, Grace obliged. She skidded into another hallway, reminiscent of The Breakfast Club and ran as fast as she could towards the double doors. She shoved her shoulder into the door and it didn’t budge. “Shit, shit, shit!” Grace struggled with the door again, then looked to the keycard placed on the side. “Your badge, where is your badge?” Grace yelled loudly, shoving against the door again, pressing her forehead against the glass. The sound of footsteps were loud behind them. If they didn’t get out now, there was no telling what they might have to do to Jo. The dark thought crossing Grace’s mind sent a shiver down her spine as she watched Mina in desperation.

Bloody hell, where was Mina’s badge? She stumbled towards Grace to the door searching around in her pockets and ohnodidshedropitpleasepleasepleasedon’tsayshedroppedit. Jo was getting close, and Mina still couldn’t find her badge, so she did the only thing she knew how to; she put herself between Grace and her student who had somehow become a monster. She had to. Where the fuck was her badge?! Mina had never taken down a vampire before, couldn’t possibly take down one that was her student, of all people, but she could certainly use herself as a way to ensure that others didn’t get hurt. That was as easy of a decision as she’d ever had. She would just need to be careful, would have to be strategic in making sure that she didn’t get hurt. After all, healing in the lake was out of the equation. Her bathtub only helped so much. She’d have to be-- She found her key in her jacket pocket, yanked it out and slammed it against the card scanner. “Get in!” she yelled at Grace, pulling the door open as she turned around to see Jo clambering through the last of the obstacles in her way.

Grace slammed her shoulder against the door again. She wasn’t sure why she continued to do so, it wasn’t budging. There was nobody else coming. It was just her and Mina, her and Mina alone, to what-- die? Grace felt her pulse in her throat, and it wasn’t until Mina was slapping her keycard against the wall that the door finally opened. She threw herself forward in an attempt to get through faster, her chin coming into contact with the floor. “Shit!” Grace rolled to her side and cradled her chin. “She can’t get in here can she?” Grace asked, wincing as she got to her feet. She was sure both her chin and shoulder would be bruised. She approached the door slowly, able to see through the glass as Jo thrashed against the door, just as she had. “Is she--” Grace stared in horror. Jo was a vampire. Vampires existed. “What kind of-- what kind of vampire dresses like Dracula?” Grace let out a harsh laugh, staring at the cape and slicked back hair.

As the door clicked shut behind her, Mina set about piling things in front of it to ensure it stayed shut, only half listening to Grace. “She shouldn’t. She shouldn’t.” She pushed a filing cabinet in front of the door as Jo slammed her weight against the glass. “She shouldn’t!” Mina was breathing heavy, trying very clearly not to panic, but she was panicking, and she had a bit of a headache, and, please, she didn’t need to add a nosebleed on top of this. Deep breaths. They were safe now. She looked at Grace, making sure that she was, mostly, physically unharmed. “I don’t… I don’t quite know what’s going on. She wasn’t like this in class, earlier, and now… well.” Mina let out a high, shaky laugh of her own. “I suppose it’s a rather convincing costume, isn’t it?” She groaned and Jo’s attentions on the door seemed to die down a bit. With luck, she’d leave them be, soon. Looking back at Grace, she said, “Well, welcome to UMWC’s maths department. Apparently, we have vampires.”

#para: lil vampy #para: mina #chatzy

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lullaandby · 6 years ago

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sincerely yours. c text

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.

a treasure chest of anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo! You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

"These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad.

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

Dad. We're done here.

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away.

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese

Do it out

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential.

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one.

STORY- ME

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION.

Repression in females comes from mis placed validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

Jessica simpson?

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

MOTHER SHAME.

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

Just do it out. Oprah.

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science.

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

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thisdaynews · 6 years ago

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Ashes 2019: England-Australia second Test set for thrilling conclusion

New Post has been published on https://thebiafrastar.com/ashes-2019-england-australia-second-test-set-for-thrilling-conclusion/

Ashes 2019: England-Australia second Test set for thrilling conclusion

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Fast bowlers star as second Test evenly poised – day four highlights

Men’s Ashes: Second Specsavers Test, Lord’s (day four of five) England 258 & 96-4:Cummins 2-16, Siddle 2-19 Australia 250:Smith 92, Broad 4-65 England lead by 104 runs Scorecard

The second Ashes Test is poised for a thrilling conclusion after a memorable fourth day in which the fast bowlers of England and Australia illuminated Lord’s.

In a ferocious spell in which he touched 96mph, England debutant Jofra Archer struck Steve Smith on the neck and forced the world’s best batsman to retire hurt on 80.

Smith returned 40 minutes later but, clearly shaken, shouldered arms to be lbw to Chris Woakes for 92 as Australia were bowled out for 250 – eight behind.

Pat Cummins used his own pace to remove Jason Roy and Joe Root in successive balls and, although Rory Burns and Joe Denly steadied England, both fell to Peter Siddle.

At the end of it all, England scraped to 96-4 – a lead of 104 – leaving all four results possible in a Test where the entire first day and most of the third were lost to rain.

To be out of danger, England will probably need to bat beyond lunch on Sunday.

But it may also be that their best chance of winning is to run through an Australia side chasing a low target, potentially without Smith, who, as well as being hit on the neck, required an X-ray on his left arm.

The finale will be played out on a pitch that is showing increasing signs of uneven bounce and in front of a sell-out crowd with the weather set fair.

After England were heavily beaten in the first Test, Sunday could see them back in the series, or the Ashes as good as gone.

Live: England v Australia – highlights & reaction

Smith falls for 92 after retiring hurt from Archer blow

Another classic Lord’s day lights up Ashes

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‘They’re celebrating like they’ve won the Test’ – Joe Root out first ball

Lord’s has witnessed some incredible cricket this summer: the astonishing World Cup final, Ireland bowling England out for 85, and Jack Leach making 92 as a nightwatchman.

This ranks alongside them all and served as a perfect example of how exhilarating Test cricket can be when ferocious bowlers produce pace that rattles even the best batsmen.

The battle between Archer and Smith was sporting theatre, with the sickening blow suffered by the former captain leaving a previously baying crowd in worried silence.

The next act was Smith’s surprising return, with Cummins then bringing his own fire and celebrating as if the Test was on the way to being won.

As England battled to stay afloat, the drama grew through two David Warner dropped catches and two lbw appeals from off-spinner Nathan Lyon that should have been given but were not reviewed.

In gathering gloom that necessitated the use of the floodlights, Ben Stokes and Jos Buttler doggedly took the lead past 100 and left the match hanging in the balance.

Quiz: Can you name England’s Ashes debutants since 2000?

Awesome Archer finally rattles Smith

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Smith retires hurt after being struck on the neck by Archer

Until lunch, it seemed inevitable that the prolific Smith would nudge, shuffle and occasionally drive his way to his third century in as many innings and put Australia into the lead.

That was all changed by Archer, who not only provided the pace that England have so badly needed in their previous battles with Smith, but also proved that the anticipation surrounding his entrance into Test cricket was worth the hype.

Archer had been worked over by Cummins when batting on the second day and dished out his revenge here. First he had skipper Tim Paine caught at short leg before striking a blow to Smith’s forearm which required the X-ray but did not cause a fracture.

In the next four balls he faced from Archer, the uncomfortable Smith played three uncontrolled hooks and almost fended to short leg. From the fifth, the horrible impact to the neck forced him from the field.

When Smith was cleared by medical staff to make his return, Archer was out of his attack, but the batsman was clearly not himself. From the second ball he faced, he swiped Woakes into the leg side and, after a classical back-foot drive, edged another four.

Final proof that Smith was rattled came when his usual impeccable judgement failed, leaving him to play no shot to a straight ball from Woakes that would have hit middle stump.

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‘No shot – bizarre dismissal’ – Smith falls for 92

Australia hold upper hand

Even if this day will mainly be remembered for the Archer-Smith battle, it was still one that Australia had the better of, first by moving from 80-4 to virtual first-innings parity, then by taking four wickets in the evening session.

Paine and Cummins made useful contributions of 23 and 20 respectively before Cummins hurtled in after tea.

Roy offered a leading edge which Cummins slid to take and, from the next ball, Root edged to Paine.

Burns and Denly added 55, the former gritty and latter occasionally loose. Denly was dropped on seven by Warner at first slip off Siddle, while Burns should have been given leg before to Lyon on 24.

Whereas Burns added only five more before got a lifter from Siddle that he edged behind, Denly took his score to 26 by the time he tamely patted back to the same bowler.

At 71-4, England were in real danger, but were seen through by Stokes and Buttler. Still, Stokes was dropped at slip on six by Warner and escaped being lbw, both off Lyon.

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Broad strikes as Wade edges to Burns at slip for six

What will happen on the final day?

England’s Chris Woakes on BBC Test Match Special:“We have got 98 overs tomorrow so more time than you think.

“It’s hard to put a number on it but we have got to bat sensibly. We have two guys at the crease who can accelerate quickly so the morning session will be crucial.”

Former England captain Alec Stewart on TMS:“Absolutely even stevens at the moment. England need to be batting at lunch – can they get a 250 lead before bowled out?

“For that to happen Stokes and Buttler need to play like we haven’t seen them bat so far in this series. Stokes was as bad as I have seen him play today but the good thing is both frontline batsmen are still there.”

Ex-England captain Michael Vaughan on TMS:“England can get another 100. But they could lose four wickets inside the first 30 minutes and it could be Australia are chasing 150.”

#conclusion #thrilling

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tusunns-blog · 8 years ago

Text

she gives the only loving i want.

/ @silverining

‘Here comes the whistle wetter.’

In the cafeteria Jo is the life of the table, the talk. Jaesun focuses on his work and doesn’t say anything unless he needs to. With his friends he’s louder sure but his place at this table has become more permanent. Jo’s friends according to Haeri are too raunchy, Jaesun’s friends too rowdy. They both prefer all of her than none and take all they can get during lunch. So he sits with them, occasionally with his friends but mostly with these two.

In the cafeteria Jaesun is the quietest.

It’s his only time to get work he should’ve done, done before class and go over what he should’ve learned in the previous class. He’s quiet aside from a few nudges from friends as they pass by, and a few glances at Haeri to have her confirm or deny an answer. Or to just stare at her, he does that too. He used to do it a lot before she complained, so now he settles on staring only when he’s going to do something, like kiss her cheek. For the most part though he’s studying, or attempting to. Jo’s words don’t go unnoticed he just doesn’t pay much attention to it. He’s got a Math quiz in two hours and he’s unprepared.

‘Why’s she the whistle wetter?’ Haeri doesn’t get tuned out all the way, just upped in volume if it’s his name she’s calling. He’s got key words, key things like his name leaving Jo’s lips. So he goes to the next problem. ‘Really Haeri? You never heard?’

Jaesun tunes out, all of it this time because Jo’s stories never start well and he’d rather not get into it.

'Hey Jaesun!’ The entire table looks up.

Jaesun’s heard of Sohee before, spoken to her maybe once or twice but he almost doesn’t recognize her face. Round, high cheeks, thin lips, says she wants to be a model or something. She’s smiling standing by the edge of the table, high skirt and pink ribbons. Jaesun got a bit of a daze going on, partially from trying to focus on something other than his work. But he regards her with a grin.

“Uh------- hey Sohee right? What’s up? If you’re looking for Chanhee he’s in the gym.” He recalls what he can about her, shuffling through faces and memories, momentarily pushing school aside. She just shakes her head, hair bouncing and steps a bit closer. 'Listen I wasn’t paying attention in Chem for shit and we have a quiz coming up. Can you maybe share your notes?’ The question makes him sheepish, like half the class doesn’t know he struggles in Chem and his only motivation is the person next to him. He rubs at his neck, book forgotten as he thinks over the proposal. “Can’t help ya, most of my notes come from Haeri’s tutoring.” Haeri doesn’t say anything so Jaesun assumes she’s back to her game, but there’s Jo who hasn’t stopped looking since Sohee arrived. And of course Jo doesn’t leave her nose out of anything so she lets a: "Yeah sorry So-heat but hes an idiot.” slip. Sohee ignores her just as quick as Jaesun registers the nickname. Not quick enough to get it because Sohee’s eyes are on him and no one else and Jaesun’s only rolling his eyes when she speaks up again. 'Please?’ And the pout, that’s weird. ‘I don’t have anyone else who even takes notes in class.’ He looks at Haeri once more, and back at his books. Time registers first and he’s got a lot more to cover before lunch is over. He knows a few things about determinations and figures this won’t be that bad so he nods his head. “Uhhh, okay but I really can’t promise anything.” He doesn’t understand why she’s so excited about getting notes from someone who could make her fail but Sohee’s smiling wide and standing straight. 'I’ll take my chances, see you later?’ “Sure thing.”

Just as she’d arrived, she’s off. Jo opens her mouth, Jaesun anticipate until she makes a pained noise. The kind Jaesun makes when Haeri kicks him for making fun of her, and so he just returns to his studying.

“Jaaaeeeesuuuuun there’s a new ice cream place with my name on it.”

Haeri is everything and the only thing Jaesun needs on the days with no practice. She’s tackling him with all the energy they store away for moments like this. Away from everyone, hidden in small shadows of the school. Under bleachers and by corridors stares, everything he’s too tired to do and say that only passes in hugs and mumbles.

Today though, Jaesun’s acknowledging her and moving at the same time. Shoving books in his bag and closing his locker. He doesn’t even look up yet he’s too busy fixing everything that he needs, preoccupied would be a good word but he just - can’t fuck up. 'Sure sure! Not today though I have studying to do.’ He knows how absurd the phrase sounds leaving his lips and he doesn’t need to look up to see the look she gives him. He could be offended if he weren’t in a rush but he does smile at the look on confusion his girlfriend gives him. Because hey, he does study! “You don’t study on Thursdays.” Which is actually true. 'Yeah no Sohee needed help, she thinks there will be a pop quiz tomorrow. She’s actually looking at my notes so I figured I should put some effort.” Now he’s slinging his backpack on and barely missing her words when he drops in to kiss her cheek. “Oh. You owe me okay?” 'Sure babe, gotta go.’

And of course he intends to pay her back in full. Right now he’s got about an hour of Chemistry to digest. An entire hour he should’ve digested in class. An hour he could be spending with Haeri but eh, he’ll deal.

“You’re late.”

And hello to you too Jo. He doesn’t say it thought just looks at her with a raised brow. “How can I be late it’s lunch?” To that Jo shrugs and Jaesun finishes setting his food on the table, sneaking the ice cream bar he grabbed onto Haeri’s plate. “To make up for the other day.” It’s not exactly the new ice cream that rolls them into sticks but he thinks it’ll work until he can work out the time. No he’s not bribing his girlfriend with ice cream but she’s smiling. “ ‘Scool, not like we aren’t going ever.” And that’s good enough. To that he smiles, and settles, body close to hers but head buried in another book. Back to his usual routine. “Where were you, you love when they serve bibimbbap.” Back to trying to ignore Jo in favor of his work. But ignoring her for too long will mean no work gets done between her whining to Haeri and Haeri telling him not to be rude. “Sohee needed help with something, I tried to tell her I had to go but she insisted so yeah.” Which is weird, he’s never met someone so eager to study. He figures she has the same constraints at him, maybe a grounding waiting if she doesn’t pass, or cheer-leading. He wonders if she’s on the cheer-leading team but can’t remember. Instead he grabs another fry from Haeri’s plate. “Did she?” “Yeah, caught me after class, I tried to hurry though, we have a late class so I won’t get to see Haeri later.” He catches Haeri peeking over at him, gives her the same smile that makes her want to push him off the seat and has Jo sticking her tongue out. “Gross.” And it’s their routine again.

“Jaesun!” Until it isn’t.

He looks up, a little startled. “Uh hey, Sohee what’s up?” Everyone else’s heads follow. “That problem we went over today, I might need extra help, think you can help me?” “Ah, sorry, I got a late practice today. I’ll be home late.” He also isn’t too keen on spending this much time on Chemistry, his head might explode. “That’s cool, I’ve got practice too, we can hang around after and work on it.” So that confirms the cheer-leading theory. Or well the sports theory. “I’ll smell pretty bad - you sure?” “Yeah you sure you wanna be after school that late with this loser? His girlfriend doesn’t even like his after smell practice.” “Won’t even kiss me when I smell.” With that Jaesun turns to Haeri again, nose nuzzling in her cheek. Because he’s got a long day and he’s going to soak up all he can before then. She’s smiling, the one where she’s trying to hide it but it peeks out anyway. And Jaesun, Jaesun’s smiling like he’s smitten. Because well, he is. “Not true, you just smell bad.” For a second, when he’s buried in her side he forgets Sohee’s even there but her voice perks up. “Well, I don’t mind, the quiz is next Monday so I could really use the help.” Sohee interrupts, though Jaesun doesn’t pull back he just looks up, surveys her once before nodding. He gets it, the urgency anyway. Sports report cards aren’t anything to joke about. “Yeah sure thing, you have my number? I’ll text you when I’m out.” “Sure, see ya.” If she wiggles her fingers a bit, Jaesun doesn’t notice.

( And if Jo does, it dies when she sees Jaesun content again, head in Haeri’s shoulder and eyes glued back to the book. )

jo: i don’t like it haeri: like what jo: she’s the whistle wetter for a reason haeri haeri: didn’t you say she goes after single guys? jo: i’m saying all it takes is an afternoon with her for her to sink her teeth haeri: listen, i’m not worried, jaesun’s too dense anyway

Jaesun meets Sohee after practice as planned, running out the locker rooms with his towel tied around his neck, clothes still damp. She’s got a duffle bag on and shorts that he’s sure she takes advantage of for being on the cheer-leading team. He kind of misses seeing Haeri wait for him but he told her he’d be staying too long and she should go on ahead.

“Hey, you ready?” She asks him, easy though and with a small smile that he returns. “Yeah, sorry our practice ended a little late.” “All cool, how was practice?” That catches him off-guard but he shrugs, slipping his water bottle out his bag. “Ass, we lost the last game so the next one counts, coach has been on us.” Nothing he’s not used to but he’s kind of tired. “You look beat, for the record the fact that our coaches are dating doesn’t help. We get the heat so shape up.” That has him laughing, that and the small nudge she gives him. “Yeah yeah, so Chemistry?” “Yeah I’m staring so can we study at a place to eat or something? There’s one not too far?” “No problem, I’m starved too anyway.”

So they head off, Sohee asking small questions about class and Jaesun asking a little about her practice, only because he thinks it’s fair. He doesn’t get a lot of time to discuss practice, basketball not being Haeri’s thing but Sohee’s knows a little so she can chime in.

“Okay but to be fair, you should’ve know he would make that point, you’re a good shooter but he dwarfed you.” They make it to the diner, or shop, whatever it is, with materials spread over the table and fries for them each. “Not fair I gave it my all.” “Gave it your all and gave the floor your ass.” Now he’s laughing, so hard he almost chokes on his milkshake. “Didn’t you bust your ass on court one day? Or am I dreaming?” “Yah!” That gets him a fry in the face and him using the bottom of his as a shield. “Hey hey no wasting food, what are you five?” “Didn’t think anyone noticed that.” And Jaesun’s not blind, he knows the familiar pink on cheeks when he sees it. So he smiles easily this time. “Hey, wasn’t that bad, I face planted before.” She smiles and he throws another fry this time before he suggests get back to work. Because as much as he likes fries and milkshakes he likes finishing Chemistry more. “Oh come on, you’re not tired of Chemistry yet?” That’s drowned out by his phone.

haeri: hey almost done studying? jaesun: oho, miss me already? haeri: never mind, i hoe chemistry fries your brain jaesun: rude! i missssss yooouuuuuuu i hate chemistry haeri: study hard so that poor girl doesn’t fail. jaesun: yes ma’am!

“Hey Jaesun, let’s get back to work yeah?” He clsoes his phone quickly, muttering a small apology that for some reason he thinks he should give. Either way, they get back to it and it’s another hour or so before they’re gone.

( jo: didn’t Jaesun say he had studying today? haeri: yeah why? jo: jinnie saw him at that new diner haeri: the ice cream one? jo: yeah I guess? he was with sohee haeri: yeah he told me he was studying jo: oh, didn’t know people laugh that much discussing chemistry haeri: jo jo: okay okay, but i’m watching her )

Saturday is spent with Haeri waking him up after practice and demanding well - telling him he’s taking her to the new ice cream. Jaesun complies of course, dressing quick and sighing all his fatigue into her side. He hadn’t realized how tired he was until he replays the past week, with shit practice and extra studying not only with Chemistry and Math and working to save up for a car. He’s all worked out. But then Haeri’s dancing by his side and using that voice when she gets excited and he can’t help but not want to be anywhere else.

“There’s so many Jaesun oh my god.” “Get vanilla bean, it’s good.” “How do you know? And I want chocolate.” “You’re gonna like their vanila, and Sohee had it the other day, said it was good. I tried it and thought you’d like it.” He feels Haeri’s head shift in his direction but he doesn’t lift his head just yet, still letting sleep control him, rough voice and droopy lids and all. “Aren’t you supposed to be studying why are you always thinking of me?” “Mmmmm helps me study. Or else I’d be texting you.” “Gross you’re gross.” And he feels her moving her head again and it has him smiling against her neck as she orders. He mumbles a love you when she asks him what he wants and nearly gets shoved off. “Ouch,” he’s a little sore from practice but he doesn’t mean the words. Instead he looks up to make his own order, nodding when the cashier asks if he’ll get what he got last time. “I can’t believe you came here first without me.” He’s holding out his wallet while sparing Haeri a quick glance.

“It wasn’t really planed, Sohee was just hungry and it was near here so. Sorry though.” That’s said with a few kisses against her cheek that she only pushes because he feels her cheek heating up. And they’re still in front of the cashier. He does wish he’d come here with Haeri first but she’s still holding his hand on the way to the booth and he thinks it’s okay. Thinks he doesn’t feel as tired until he settles into the seat. He definitely doesn’t remember it being this comfortable yet here they are, and here he is almost dozing off. “How was practice? You look tired.” “I’m always tried.” That snaps him out of it, he says it with a smile though. “It’s alright, you know how coach is, always working us over. “It’s just one game, he’s acting like you guys don’t work hard.” “Yeah, to be fair, we can’t afford to pass up one because if it were a qualifier game we’d be screwed, like really screwed. So if that’s how we were for that game, imagine an actual qualifier. Plus seeing as we’ve already won one we’ve got a lot of expectations.” He shrugs at this, not liking the thought of thinking of more pressure. Makes him even more tired. Haeri’s giving him this strange look and he can’t quite make it out, has him blinking. “What?” “Nothing just, you never sound so serious about it. It’s a weird look on you.” “Psssh, I’m just going for the cool captain look.” Which is another thing he doesn’t want to think about too much. It’s good that the ice cream arrives now because he’s passing Haeri hers, all excited and other things forgotten. She’s pausing before dipping and he thinks she’s got all things forgotten because she’s smiling wide, trying not to but failing. It has him leaning on the table and keeping his eyes on her. All things truly forgotten.

Sunday. 11:29pm

sohee: hey jae? jaesun: yeah what’s up? sohee: sorry, it’s late. sohee: just, worried about the quiz. jaesun: it’s just a quiz don’t stress too much. sohee: yeah but if i don’t pass, no qualifier show next week. jaesun: rough. jaesun: you’ll be fine, really. really nothing to stress. jaesun: and if I fail too, fries fries and more fries then okay? sohee: okay. sohee: can you come early tomorrow, one last study? jaesun: no problem.

Jaesun goes early, doesn’t see Haeri’s good luck text until after practice. Manages to give her a kiss before running off to class. Takes his quiz and feels like he’s going to die. Goes to practice and thinks he’s going to die again. Treats Sohee to fries like he promised and finishes a not so stressful day easily.

Wednesday comes quick. He forgets they even have quiz results coming until Sohee’s tackling him in a hug, proudly showing off her A- matching Jaesun’s B-. The hug catches him as he’s walking out of class and to the cafeteria. But he lets it happen, he does see Haeri, halfway on her way to class and he lifts a hand for her to wait for him before he gives Sohee his full attention.

“Glad you passed.” And he is because he knows the stress behind math and science and sports. “Thanks to you.” “Actually, it’s thanks to Haeri.” “Well, you didn’t really rely on her notes this much did you?” Which he didn’t, didn’t think it fair to use her notes for someone else. “Anywaaaaay since I already got fries, I have another request.” “So demanding.” But he’s itchy, he wants to get to Haeri to show her the results. “I’m throwing a party, well, after the game Friday, what do you say?” “Um, I usually hang with the boys after----” “They’re all coming.” “Well if not it’s Haeri and parties aren’t her thing.” “Come on, when’s the last time you went to a party.” Which is true as well. But he sees Haeri in his sights and wants to run over and Sohee’s not taking no for an answer so, “Sure, text me the details okay?” And she’s nodding and he’s off, literally off and running to Haeri until she’s in his arms and off the ground. Also complaining and calling him names because he’s holding them up for lunch but meh, details. “Passed my chem quiz.” He says it a little cheekily and she’s huffing once she’s finally down, pink dusting her cheeks. He resists the urge to kiss them as they head to the cafeteria, Jo uncharacteristically quiet. “It’s just a quiz, show me the test next.” “Yes ma’am.”

“I know what you’re up to.” “Oh?” “You obviously need your eyes checked, to see that he’s already stupidly head over heels. And not for you.” “Don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Don’t know why you insist on fucking everything that moves.” “Don’t know why you do either.” “I don’t hunt people who are taken.” “You don’t hunt guys either, so it’s none of your concern.” “The size of Jaesun’s dick, is none of yours either.” “For someone who doesn’t even like dick, I’m surprised you’re so concerned about someone else’s.” “I’m concerned about my friend.” “Hm. I’ll let you know when I care about what you have to say. Oh yeah, you’re coming to my party right? I invited Jinnie who is so excited to come.” “Fuck off Sohee.” “You first.” ‘Hey, Jo let’s go! Haeri’s waiting!’ “Coming babe!” Not before giving Sohee a well-deserved glare and brush against her shoulder.

Friday’s game comes and Jaesun’s just happy when it’s over, week being consumed by practices and more practices. He sees Sohee a lot because well, his practice is their practice. Sometimes they get food sometimes they don’t. He’s tired even when they win he’s tired. Happy but tired. He’d be happier to wrap his arms around Haeri at the end but she had to attend a family event. It’s cool but he’s kind of dreading the party now. Sohee gives him a look like he can’t back out of it now and he complies, hopping into the car with his friends on his way there.

He busies himself texting Haeri until they arrive. Sohee must be from some kind of money because he recognizes the neighborhood. Makes him miss Haeri more. Sohee’s waiting for them, must be a hostess thing, this is why he doesn’t throw parties. That and he’s been banned from it anyway.

“You made it!” He gets another hug, he’s more or less used to them so he smiles when she releases to greet everyone else. “Hey, nice place.” To that she shrugs and gestures them in. “I’ll show you around!”

He doesn’t ask for a tour but that’s what he gets. He doesn’t drink so he walks around with the same water bottle in his hand. It’s kind of lame but people who know him understand and no one really bothers him about it. Sohee doesn’t say anything just offers her drink and then she doesn’t. He’s kind of letting everything blur in around him, the number of rooms, the balcony, the patio outside, some study that’s her dad’s. All this rich kid stuff he’s never been too interested and well even if he weren’t completely exhausted he still wouldn’t care. But he keeps up, at her side and listening intently. Sohee doesn’t seem to mind that he nods off a bit and it’s probably because she gets it. He’s a little grateful though he’d really like to go home.

“I should’ve sent you home, I’d like you to be a little more awake when it’s us.” She’s laughing though she he laughs at that and shrugs his shoulders. “Been a long week.” “Yeah, well loosen up Jae, can’t let long weeks ruin your weekend.” Nothing’s really ruined when he gets time with Haeri. “You guys spend a lot of time together huh?” It’s then that he realizes he says that aloud. “Yeah, well when I’m not busy, don’t feel so tired with her around.” “Sorry she couldn’t make it.” And Jaesun’s smile is a little more genuine, though it doesn’t quite match Sohee’s he doesn’t wonder why. “Parties aren’t her thing?” “Not at all, not her scene really, she’s probably going to give me an earful about why I decided to spend my time here.” “Well, I’m glad you’re here.” He can only shrug at that, neither happy or upset he decided to come. Sohee’s not bad company really. Not as overwhelming as she could be.

It’s another half hour before she’s done showing him around, content with telling him the entire history of the house and all the things she’s done. “I’ll let you go, just gotta grab something from my room.” “Sure thing, take your time.” He’s just relieved to be released, he can’t talk to Haeri since her event started a while ago so he plays with his phone, waiting for the okay to get his stuff and go. “Hey, don’t just stand out there you look awkward.” That’s when he looks up, unaware she might’ve been talking to him but very aware that he’s standing outside the threshold of her door. He’s not really trying to be awkward he’s just not trying to intrude. He shuffles in place before his eyes meet her and Sohee, she’s just smiling by the bed, beckoning with a smile. “Come on, come in.” “I don’t think I should walk into your room - like with just us, doesn’t seem appropriate.” She furrows her brows at that, and Jaesun thinks she almost seems like a different person. But then she laughs and he’s not sure which Sohee he’s looking at right now. She’s laughing and making her way over. “Come on it’ll be really quick.” He really sees nothing wrong with where he’s standing but apparently she does because she’s got a grip on his arm and is pulling him in the room. The door doesn’t close, just creaks a little close.

Now he’s a little uncomfortable.

“Sohee, relax I think you’re a little tipsy.” A little might be an understatement. “Lemme go get you some water yeah?” “It’s a little unfair.” Jaesun stops midway, only because her grip loosens and she sounds, so sad. “This whole time you’ve been here, you’ve only been talking about her, thinking about her, texting her.” “Um, who?” “Haeri.”

That’s when it begins to click and Jaesun turns, wiggling his arm from her grip. “She’s my girlfriend, that’s what people do with the ones they love.” “And you’re okay, with being all over her when she barely acknowledges you?” Jaesun’s eyes narrow at that, the kind of stare he does where Haeri says he’s a different person. “What are you talking about? If I wasn’t okay with it I wouldn’t do it. And what do you mean barely acknowledging me?” His voice is still a low octave, he feels it get deeper but he decides that’s better than the opposite. Sohee meets his gaze briefly before looking back down. “How can you be okay with draping over her like that when there’s someone who could appreciate you more?” “Excuse me?”

It’s not that Jaesun doesn’t get what’s being said, it’s that he doesn’t really believe it. Not because he believes Sohee’s an angel, they’re all young and a little dumb but he doesn’t believe he’s hearing someone question Haeri. Haeri, the Haeri who wouldn’t let anyone near her much less her personal space and everyone knows it. Everyone knew it. Haeri who lets Jaesun hug and kiss her when the only friend she kisses is Jo. Haeri who was never seen with guys outside her class unless it was studying or she was insulting and kicking their ass in games. His Haeri. Who gives him the kind of love only she could understand and give.

“I don’t think you’re in any place to question my girlfriend’s feelings for me. And I think you need to relax because you're making serious accusations.” He meets her gaze but he doesn’t move, doesn’t analyze it. Doesn’t think about how desperate she seems, how she reaches out. Jaesun closes off the minute he sees who she is. “How can you not notice there’s someone who can love you better right here.” “Sohee----” And Jaseun he’s got pretty good patience. “I don’t like it, she treats you like trash!” “Sohee........” He can usually handle a lot. “She doesn’t deserve you!”

He decides to take a breath.

In terms of who deserves who, the silly high school basketball player who barely thinks about his future and barely pays attention in class. Versus the studious girl who barely gets in trouble unless someone asks for it, who’s loyal and loving and so strong in herself that she can tackle everything out of high school. In terms of deserving, Jaesun’s sure that most people got it all wrong. They always have it so wrong.

He takes a breath, fists clenched and tongue in his cheek.

“I’m going. You need to stay here and not follow me.” He makes his way to the door and when it’s open, finally open he feels the tug on his arm. He doesn’t want to yank it out but it catches him off-guard. He’s halfway out the door when he feels Sohee lunge forward.

And well the rest happens pretty fast. Because one second her lips meet him, quick, almost close-lipped and then she’s off him. Reeling off like she’d been stung and Jinnie’s in his line of sight.

“Say some shit about my girlfriend liking girls again bitch.” And no one, no one was really expecting that. Jinnie’s red in the face, Jo’s got the same expression on as Jaesun and they’re both watching Sohee hold her nose in shock, music stopping, people staring. Party probably ruined. “You hit me?!” Because yeah Jinnie basically barreled over and socked Sohee in the nose. “Yeah! What? Gonna tell your parents? Tell the school? About how I hit you at your party you’re throwing at your parent’s house with weed and alcohol?” That shuts Sohee up, has Jo giggling and not even trying to hide it. “Didn’t think so. Now I’ll say it again, say one more thing about Jo liking girls I fucking dare you. I’ll show you she’s not just dating me for my looks.” That gets Sohee to step back. She tries to look Jaesun’s way but Jinnie’s pulling him and Jo along, down the stairs and out the house.

And well, that’s that. The silence is a little awkward, until,

“Babe - that was hot.” Jo speaks and Jinnie and Jaesun both roll their eyes.. “I was already mad but seeing her kissing you gave me an excuse to hit her, so thanks.” “Listen Jaesun,” “Babe, he’s gone.”

The only reason he’s grateful to Sohee is because she lives in the same neighborhood as Haeri, and Jaesun gets there in less than twenty minutes. How, sweaty, a little stressed and a little overwhelmed. He’s up the steps faster than he’s ever been, knocking on the door harder than he’d intended and face to face with the last person he’d expect.

“Jaesun? Do you know what time it is? While I appreciate you knocking instead of sneaking through the window it’s still inappropriate.” “Pardon me for intruding Mrs. Lee but may I speak with Haeri, it’ll be quick.” He expects her to say no, expects half the family to run him off their property, intimidate him or something but Haeri’s voice breaks in.

“Jaesun------.” He’s not really nervous he’s just, he’s got a lot coursing through him. And he’s not sure if his girlfriend’s appearance settles it or makes it worse. But she appears and she looks tired, he feels bad but he already felt bad so he should address the first one first. “Sohee kissed me.” Very eloquently done Jaesun yes. Haeri blinks at him before throwing a quick look to who he assumes are her parents ( which if they heard him he’s dead ) and stepping outside. He steps back as well. “.......explain.” “She - well we were at the party. She was showing me around the house And we got to her room and I told her it wasn’t appropriate for me to go in but, she kinda dragged me inside? Then she started talking about how she thinks we’re better together, well like me and her and not me and you and I tried to leave and she kissed me.” The first half is done and he can’t find it in himself to be eloquent at all. It’s a little choppy, as if talking about it doesn’t solidify that it happened. It why he doesn’t completely watch Haeri, not sure if he’s ready to see her facial expression.

“Okay.” So he continues. “Then Jinnie hit her.” “What?!” “Yeah, said it was for talking shit to Jo and well her kissing me just made it easier.” “Okay so -” “So.” “So she kissed you, why are you here?” “Well I -” His brows furrow like he’s not sure if it’s a trick question. Part of him is scared it is, like a ‘don’t show up you cheater’ kind of question. His answer is obvious but he doesn’t think it’s right. “I always come to you when I’m mad.” He says it anyway. “What are you mad about?” Puzzled again, blinking at Haeri like he doesn’t quite get it. But she’s standing still, hands crossed over her chest and he gets the slight feeling that she might be cold and wants to slip his jacket over her. But priorities. Because he had been angry, he’d been pissed and right now Haeri doesn’t look too pissed but he still is.

“Why---- ?? She insulted you, like not just our relationship but it’s rude to kiss someone who’s taken? And she knows we are I talk about you all the time, text you all the time, hell everyone knows.

And she said things, like you not loving me enough? That’s fucking ridiculous the only person who loves me more is my mom and my coach when we win games. She acted like she knew you and she doesn’t and she insulted you. I’m glad Jinnie hit her because I was mad - not that I’d hit a girl or anything but....still. She had no right to talk low about you.”

It’s because he gets it out that the last part is more of a whisper. He’s more conscious of where he is, where they are and the time so he settles. Releases his fist and breathes a little better. He is still waiting though, because Haeri hasn’t said anything, he’s said everything so far and the future has shown that this can either end really well or really bad.

“You know, you’re not that smart.” And it’s not starting good. He ducks his head at that, waiting for the rest of it. “And it’s cool because girls nowadays don’t go for smart guys. But I have to admit you’re not bad looking and Jo - fuck Jo keeps telling me to wait for the day that I realize how popular you are.” That’s not what he expects and it’s because of that that his head rises almost immediately. “I’m sorry, did you compliment me? Twice?” But Haeri’s not done, he can tell and the side glare he gets is enough for him to be quiet.

“Jesus Jaesun this isn’t the first time a girl’s thrown herself at you, it’s just the first time you noticed. You’re so dense. And I always wondered what I would do in that case. I wouldn’t fight, I’d only fight someone for Jo really and besides you wouldn’t need my help.”

“I’m glad you’re not going to fight her I ---- you’re not mad?” “No what I’m furious you should’ve made a beeline for the door. Shouldn’t have let her drag you around like that, shouldn’t have gone to the party, shouldn’t have been indulging that girl as much as you did buying her fries and milkshakes what the hell Jaesun and I’m annoyed as hell because it’s nearing one in the morning and I’ve been up since six am and I have class in the morning like you.” There’s the Haeri he waited for. He’s getting scolded but he’s got the silliest of smiles on his face. “You’re right you’re right I’m sorry. I’m not buying anyone else fries and milkshakes but you, my girlfriend?” It’s almost a question as if he’s unsure about her mood yet. “Damn right you’re not, and you owe me a lot to make up for that. And no kisses until I’m sure her mouth is clean off yours.” “Or I can kiss you enough that it’s washed away.” “My parents are listening behind the door idiot.”

Yikes. “Soooo see you tomorrow?” “Yes, now please go I’m tired.” He debates about a few things, like hugs or kisses and instead just smiles and steps back. “Byeeeeee, sorry for waking you, love you, sleep well!” And that’s all it takes for her to turn red and slam the door.

When Jaesun gets to school, early because of practice he finds Haeri and Sohee in the hallway, and Jo off to the side with Jinnie. He doesn’t really tense up but he is curious and he’s running over. More of a light jog really.

“Hey,” He barely gets the word in before Haeri’s got both arms around him and that, that’s new. And if that’s not new, her planting a kiss right on his lips, in the middle of the hallway, is another. It’s not like anyone else is here in the morning, aside from well, his entire team. Who probably saw because he can hear them shuffling inside the gym. Haeri breaks quick and also breaks out in a dark blush that she plays off well. Because she’s looking at Sohee now and Sohee’s pretending like she isn’t fazed, a nasty purple by her cheek and nose.

Jaesun like always, is a little dazed when this happens so he just watches. Because yep his girlfriend just kissed him on her own, and in school. He knows Jo is mumbling something about being whipped but with how she leans into Jinnie, she probably can’t talk. And Jaesun doesn’t really care.

Maybe some words are exchanged but when he snaps out of it Sohee is on her way to practice, ponytail swinging behind her and Haeri is talking with Jo.

“Back to Earth lover boy.” “This is why I don’t do this at school, this is how you get!” He tries snapping out of it by throwing his arms around her. “I’ll get back to normal just one more?” “Nuh uh your ban isn’t lifted.” Haeri avoids his eyes, even as he holds her up by the waist, lips pursed low. “Jaesun.” Lower. With the puppy dog eyes. “Haeri make it stop.” “Okay okay okay!” That’s how he gets his last kiss before she’s demanding release and his coach is demanding him. That’s how he goes to practice with the silliest of smiles because this is Haeri loving him how she knows how. And this is Jaesun accepting all of it.

And well, if he gets a few more kisses each time Sohee crosses their path for a while, he’s not complaining.

#( good for you. )#au: highschool.

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lullaandby · 5 years ago

Text

SECTION C.

JIZZ for Jesus 1 minute 15 seconds/ short.

My being single was a topic that has worried my 85 year old father.

a treasure chest of anxiety who had anointed himself my dating guru.

Every week he comes up with a new line of advice.

��The first was that I should go to church and find a nice guy.

Ah ok, but Church is centered around redemption themed activities.

What am I going to do- tell someone

"hey. I ah just saw the way you placed your lips to that chalice- and it got something going down here

He thought about it some more and came back with-

["Hey Jo! You know what?"

That's the way my dad always speaks, in a tenor most people reserve for an extreme emergency, like a school evacuation.

"These guys are no good.

Nah. Not like how they used to be.

So you fuck 'em Jo. Take what you need and get outta there. Don't be a whore but just get what you need."

Okay dad. Very different types of advice but thank you.

So I figured out a way to combine the two bits of information. It's a little program I like to call Jizz For Jesus.

Just vats of cum in my face in the name of our lord and savior.

Just trying to be a good daughter. ]

Then he goes " HEY Jo"

That tone means he doesn't want my mom to hear.

What Dad.

"Are you a lesbian?"

No Dad.

"ok well I want you to know it's ok."

thanks.

"well.... do you know what they do?"

who?

"The LESBIANS!!! how do they do it"

Dad. We're done here.

ST HORROR

Catholic interior design is amazingly bold.

Where else would you be able to get away

With that focal point?

Imagine walking into the grocery store to get some ice cream

And you saw a statue of someone over the cereal aisle

life size

Just bleeding.

Then another one by the ice cream

Smiling while a gentle breeze rolls

Through his luscious locks

And sun illuminates down upon him.

And everyone else was like oh yeah.

That’s our good buddy Ralph.

He helped to make this place.

No worries just keep hoping for a good life and

Get all your groceries into a cart.

Or just rolling up to your first soccer game

And over the goal net

there’s a photo of your neighbor,

Mr. Gershon who served in Vietnam

And passed away last year.

Just bleeding profusely.

And everyone’s just like oh yeah.

He sacrificed for us.

No worries here’s an orange slice ad some high c fruit punch.

It’s just how you avoid hell.

Did you bring in money for team photo?

And how’s your fundraising going for the new jerseys.

FIREY PITS

The whole concept of hell gets so left behind.

It becomes this thought in the back of your mind,

To Avoid the fiery pit.

Really the church needs a revamp.

Instead of a fiery pit just start telling people

They will get zero likes on their posts

If they don’t comply.

Watch pews fill up.

GOOD TO KNOW the Bible

Dad the only person who invited in Jehovahs they multiplied.

The he…

Years later they still came to visit him so we had to do what I like to call reverse bible chats.

It always starts with a lead in question

“Do you know…” and they insert a bible verse.

It’s a trap like when your friend asks you if you know someone else-

Either they talked shit about you or you are going to hear shit talked about them.

But when it’s bible rhetoric it’s so easy to just listen

And hit them with

Dueternonmy

Corninthians and just put in random numbers.

Then conclude with your own opinion.

And they walk away.

OFFERING OTHER SALVATION

Just so odd

What other types of salvation?

Some like weird cheese

Do it out

BIBLICAL HERO

Take a quiz to see what type of biblical hero you are

Moses

Mary Magdalene cuz she’s a hoe

How did they have hoes in the Bible?

I’d like to see a Moses parting the seas of peers who are holding back orgasms

And older ladies shaming for wearing too short skirts and saying well you asked for it,nder their breath

And he just bellows out

“Let my whores go”

Then they walk to a land where

they create amazing porn for ladies and general

healthcare that covers all forms of birthcontrol

PORHN HUB THE WORLD

More than the bible, The answer is porn

if there were as many categories on porn hub

As there were ideas for world peace and conservation

We’d be all set.

LADIES NIGHT

We need more categories for porn by ladies.

Just liven it up make it more representative.

Less filthy next door neighbor taking big dicks

Reading a book and getting your nips tweaked

Getting your ass eaten while watching cute animals lick their faces

Finishing a craft while on top - look how cute his eyes are, and then you just go to outer space

Eating lasagna while anything

LADIES ARE MORE DANGEROUS

More outlets for female intelignece and for ladies to cum.

That combo creates a burtito cloud of peace with melted cheese around the female psyche.

This is essential.

Ask any dude who is pissed off a crazy eyes girl.

Who was just one two many break ups deep.

There are absoultely crazy guys

But they more start a ned narrative that didn’t happen

Or if something was wrong they just avoid and deny.

Pretty Much All Ladies will say-

Ok let me find your birth record,

Then trail onto you best friend from preschool

Take a flight to New Orleans- get a witch

Dig up a dead body and procure the two pinky fingers as payment

Rally up anyone else who hates you

Put their soul in a doll, send it to your house

Then around 10pm give you 3 hearts on insta to hide the evidence.

That’s day one.

STORY- ME

( How sexual repression makes you into a vengeful person)

FOR REAL REVENGE.

Girls who are all about the revenge you generally can find zero social media presence on them

And they like to do control based things

The girl in your office

Keep talking about going to sweet greens

Or paint night

They are the mid level managers of the world who Marshall over every event and

When you go out to dinner make sure that everyone is paying the exact amount

THE REAL REGINA GEORGRE

I have no idea why people are obsessed with teenager Regina Georges

Because the real assholes are

repressed, undersexed mothers with body image issues

Who feel as if their children have stolen their lives

BECUASE FAIR IS FAIR.

They begin to not even see it as revenge.

It’s just fairness.

Because they have been taught to be nice and they are seething.

COME A LONG WAY

We’ve come a long way sexuality from

Your aunt who has the solid Ronald mc Donald hair cut and a long short chino

With a polo shirt

[50k categories and several articles]

MONGOOSE.

VALIDATION STATION.

Repression in females comes from mis placed validation

The validation that seems promised from being nice and doing the right thing.

AND JEALOUSLY

AND WORRIED UR FMAILY WILL REJECT U FOR SPOILING THE GOODS

Jessica simpson?

Take most of the single males you know perhaps they are sad,

But they will general find a hobby, pussy, or both.

When the barrier to entry of pussy gets to expensive, psychotic, difficult or all three.

They will resort mc guyver like tendencies to find ingenuity.

Take most females who are single.

They will use the same ingenuity to gain validation from friends and family

Which includes carrier achievement and marriage.

When the Barriers to entry become challenging they become crazy.

THAT FRIEND.

If you have been single over twenty eight you have have 100 percent taken a turn

Into crazy town. Driven straight through then taken a right into county love town.

It looks so much more intense when it’s your friend doing it

There rare two options for yourself and that friend,

A) you’ll make it by having a life and randomly crying to ColdPlay

B) you will spend all your time trying to find someone like a person who has lost

A puppy.

MISPLACED.

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT IS

This is so insane.

DOWRY

This starts with our parents,

you chose in your family but I like to blame my mother.

But my dad is to blame to b/c his standards are just wanting me minimally taken care of he’d be like

do you have a car?

A job?

Ok here’s 10k

Remember she likes cheese.

Bye baby remember to turn the lights off.

MOTHER SHAME.

JENNER WORLD

Pretty soon moms will be fighting over how many likes their daughter gets.

(Play on how moms compete for girls getting career + marriage)

end on marriage

The moms who are exactly the same as Kris Jenner

And there’s a lot

Except

Kris is a narcissist who pairs her daughter up with dudes that aren’t great.

Or at the every least doesn’t encourage them to leave.

Lots of moms are like this- they loose their daughter and their daughters

“Wins” a happy marriage.

The only difference is these girls wear bikinis instead of a nice tailored slack.

But who is the influencer of the influencers?

Do the equation and you will always come up Oprah.

Just do it out. Oprah.

And she doesn’t even have instagram.

And who is her influencer? Maya angelou?

So strong black women. Mostly BBW.

PRECIOUS MOMENTS

Maybe there’s an age where repression just starts settling in

And people look at the people in their family

Who came before them

As precious moments statues.

Ummm just a quick refresh your moms

Vagina was once a beatiuous place holder for jizz.

And grandma probably took a load

And not just to the laundry

Why do you think she carries all those werthers?

Just our old friend science.

****

JESUS INVENTED BROS

FEMALE VERSION OF BROS

PRODIGY KIDS

*****

SECTION D.

KNOW YOUR READY FOR KIDS

You know your ready for kids because

Before when you didn’t get your period and you weren’t having sex

All you would do is just be like wishing your uterus fondnesses

Thinking that she finally quit,

Because you can’t blame her all you see around you is nonsense

Hopefully she is living out her dreams in tiajuanna on a donkey

Wearing a sombrero and partying with a small person,

Who she has to set boundaries with because she’d very into

Group sex and that’s not her jam

GROUP SEX

Steph and group sex

Have you ever had a friend who is either being very sexually curious

Or has a really specific thing that they want to try and they’d like

You to come with them so they just start injecting it into conversations?

FIND SOMEONE

You can’t seem to find anyone yet every single member of the Duggar family is married.

That’s a lot of kids and you still can’t get a date to last past month three.

BJs WHOLESALE

FIND U A MAN

There’s a lot of dating advice out there for ladies but the best is-

Find u a man who looks at you

And takes care of you like he does his own penis.

You’ll have

infinite protection

Generous massages

Fresh assortment of culture- movies and photos

Literature in the form of light reading

Long trips

Shelter

If you have sad emotions he’ll do anything to take care of you

And

Poetry.

POETRY

Found a website called Hogtied, part of a collection of websites called kink. All the women were tied up. Hot. They also all had clips on their nipples. Sure. The dudes fucking them had locks on their balls.

I'm young, I just assumed that's how adults fucked. So I found some bigass locks for a locker, locked my balls, and started rubbing. It was uncomfortable, but if that's how adults fuck, then I guess I'd better get used to it.

I'll never forget when I finally came. I felt warm inside, like my soul was being cradled by light, all emanating from my dick.

I'm just glad my roommates didn't happen to come downstairs and see me putting mustard on my dick illuminated by the gentle glow of the open fridge”

PEZ "Sat at the edge of my bed and catapulted starburst off my rock hard dick into the bobbing maw of a lovely lady I had harbored a crush for for many years. We are still in romance."

"I'm a grower not a shower so I like to take my scrotum and encase my penis with it. Then when I get an erection, it's like an emerging butterfly."

DIFFERNCE BETWEEN MALES AND FEMALES.

WHY WE KILL THEM

Let him live.

Riffs on how ladies don’t listen

Like a dog in a cone

We are always trying to do most likely way too much

WHY THEY KILL US

He is constantly on a voyage to my boobie.

If I look inside his head it often times it will be like this:

Entry log number 654. I’m approaching the boob.

How men don’t listen

How they are so sensitive and we are so so mean

My husband is one of the most sensitive people I know

He bruises like a soft Carolina peach

OK he’s only that way with me b/c he loves me and same with me to him.

So why would I put it in that context?

How about

My husband is so sensitive he has a thick cock?

PHD. /// BOB

MEN ARE A LOT MORE SENSITIVE

Men ae more sensitive but if their values don’t align with yours

FORGET IT.

But we are the same we just keep seeking the validation from them that we don’t give ourselves.

MARRIAGE VS DATING

You stick around for varying reasons

You can’t talk shit behind your husbands back

Not only is it rude

It’s ineffective

Gotta do it right to their face but they are so sensitive

So like to give him the same petty sick burns I give to a female

He doesn’t quite get it which is amazing

When he tries to do it back he does it with sports or movies

And I’m like yeah but I still pulled in money

You my friend are giving questionable hand jobs in the back seat of a car

DAVIDS BIRDAL

BEST PART OF BEING SINGLE

Jelly bean jar/ hyptoenuse

You’ll never figure it out because couples lie

S- CAVEAT EMPTOR//Economy Model Husband

Black Lab

Story- TUNA MELT//BRIDGET JONES

Just don’t care

*****

SECTION F

OVERSHARE****

METH NANNY pt2. 20 seconds

My go to overshare detail

Is that I’m a nanny and graduated from college

Some people quickly catipult into concerned pity.

They'll go-

"ohhhhhh nooooo. what happened? {really dramtic sad face}

did you take a slipsy- slidey into the meth-em-phetamines?

it that what you did?

well you have all your teeth, so, it looks like you're on the upside of things"

TRYING 20

I want life advice from a person whose stumbling onto their own personal truth-

The guy in the office who does barely any work,

yet has taken it upon himself to give all the ladies in the office massages-

He's found own glory in caressing Edna's sciatica.

BUSINESS VENTURES.

Sending off used panties, Netflix dvds

ROCK BOTTOM

Some jobs feel like your own personal rock bottom.

In reality you're in an office watching an excel presentation

But in your soul you’re standing in the middle of Target holding a bag of sun chips and trying to move slowly because you just had an accident in your pants.

ASS THAT WONT QUIT 15

Some people have told me that I have an ass that won't quit,

which is strange.

I've never stayed in a job past a year.

So Historically I'm a quitter and I'm pretty sure my ass follows suit.

Stories- work

*******

****

SECTION F.

CANT HANG

FRIENDS (material. )

AFFIRMATIONS

The biggest cautionary tape is When a friends occasional affirmational FB posts turn into daily ones.

I called up one of my best friends after seeing her posts and asked if her marriage- which had been rocky for several years had finally ended.

How did you know? She said.

If I had strung a week’s worth of her posts together there'd be fantastic copy for a new anti- depressant commercial.

FRIEND BREAK UPS

TRUE FEMINISM

QUESTIONABLE INTENSITY

Friends who are Fathers can be slightly overprotective of their daughters,

And mothers can have a questionable level of intensity with their sons.

My friend pointed at her son as he was playing with Legos and said, "oh my God.

Isn't he soooo hot?"

I had to remind her, " ah at one point he relied on you for sustinance-

and that’s Nasty Caroline.

And she said, " I know. I know-

{caramel voice} But oooooh gurl if he didn't, Hey baby . I see you. Keep building that tower."

We then had a conversation on what voice intonations are available to nice white ladies from the suburbs-

That’s not one of them.

Not for you girlfriend.

Ditto to any snapping motions.

Twerking on a case by case basis.

SECTION G

MOCHA

OUTRAGE. 25 seconds

When a white Person stands up for issues facing people of color with such force-

It feels incredible.

Wow Luke. You really care. Super woke. Good job.

Then you see that same person display the equivalent level of outrage-

for an empty ketchup bottle.

And you realize just they're working out a wide array of anger management issues.

Not really. on. my team.

CRAFTS

Thank you. To the white people who actually do something.

Any show of support is great but I do have some questions.

To the people who went into their craft bins and got pins, to affix to their shirts and show solidarity.

ah- but you had a whole craft bin.

I’m not saying anything fancy but a little flare would have been appreciated.

A hat with a pom pom?

Story- affirmative action

****

SECTION H.

DIC PIC. 20 seconds

I've been working with kids for about 15 years, that means parents periodically send me unsolicited snapshots of their little cuties.

Which- is the same as a dick pic.

That little head pops up on the screen, {hand movement} and all life choices need to be reevaluated

DIC AS CURRENCY. 20 seconds

I heard a person say “that’s going to cost you a dick pic”

Hmm. Have things gotten so real with bitcoin we’re now using Dick pics as currency.

Starbucks girl:Venti iced coffee. Ok that will be two chodes and a a gagger

Me: ok, here you go.

Starcucks girl: Oh okokok. Sorry um that’s only one chode.

Me: Oh I’m sorry. I was trying to be generous.

Never gotten a dic pic :(

I have never gotten a dick pic.

Perhaps it’s because my personality is it’s own restraining order.

I used to be sad about that in my twenties.

The same way I was sad about having small breasts,

I mean let’s be mature and call them tiddies-

In my twenties.

But then you wake up at thirty two, the sun shining in your apartment and you go out for a ice cream sandwich without a bra and watch a couple looking miserable

And it all makes sense

DATING

Dating-stories

Cemetery guy//soap

Divorced guy with ring

BALTIMORE BUTTS. 50 seconds

Ladies have a tendency to set the expectations of themselves incredibly high.

Take body maintenance.

My friend gets electrolysis everywhere,

including. her butthole.

Which is not only fiscally rediculous-

It's a welcome statement.

NOPE. mmmmhmm not here.

I need my butthole to be COMPLETELY terrifying.

You're driving down a really pleasant residential street and you see that one house that gives you the chills and you have roll up the windows.

That's the aesthetic I desire.

A creaky step. Some chipped paint. Screams from the inside. Ace.

It's tricky though because of the close proximiity to my punash, which needs to be incredibly welcoming.

It's doable.

Have you ever been to Baltimore or Philly?

***tag

So, possible. Just give specific coordinates.

BB tag. Dinner party.

***

2. CAHTZ (differences between men and women)

3. Girls are always covering for cat’s poor behavior past or present

5. “Yeah well what did you do to the cat?”

7. Boys are always selling

8. At least one sports team’s merits even if they don’t like sports.

SUPERIOR SEX.

There is no superior sex

If men were the superior sex

They would tell ladies that if you swallowedjizz

You’d loose 10lbs

If women were the superior sex

They’d bottle up all the hope in a mans eyes

When you talk about blow jobs

And just place it in a jar.

Just unleash it like fairy dust

Or whatever they use to make Disney world so magical.

SECTION I

2. ARTISTIC INTEGRITY.

3. Brother is a nerd

5. NERDS

7. Valuing yourself for your intellect is no different than valuing yourself for your looks

10. Put you down for not knowing things

11. Ask about things they know you don’t know

12. Have side conversations with other people who know things and laugh at a person not knowing

13. Act like your like you’re stupid b/c they had certain training without talking to you

14.

15.

16. They don’t value.

17. Having athletic ability

18. Knowing about pop culture

19. Being able to socialize

20. Being able to build things in a blue collar way

21. Having a work ethic that doesn’t require “difficult” mental tasks

22. Being kind to people who don’t have influence

23.

24.

25. Things they do.

26. Being lauded for smart achievements

27. Knowing things in their field

28. Knowing niche culture things

29. Not caring if they are cool (but caring)

30.

31.

32. Things they get pissed off on.

33. If you don’t validate their knowledge

34. Making fun in anyway way

35.

36.

37. The kardashians of education.

38. Look at all this intelligence just look at it.

39.

40.

41. Reformed

42. Married a wife who dragged him away from his home base of friends

43.

44. Double down

45. Always ready to quiz you on arbitrary topics

46. Like doughnuts

47.

48. Dabbling

49. Until you hit a point of their area of expertise

50.

51. Professor

52. Debates and bows out when they loose

(The only thing we have in common is our insane parents. He doesn’t like religion I love it)

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