#and she doesnt succeed like how she was thinking aka it doesnt change her past at all

[doctorwhoisadhd]

wait can someone make a manic pixie dream girl story where it turns out that she genuinely IS the post-transition future version of the main guy because that would be SUCH an insanely good lens to talk about self love through

[softbunnywonho]

hmmmm let me tell you what I had endured back when I was living on my own in New Zealand for 3 1/2months....

during the first few weeks, I was satisfied and happy that I am on my own and were able to experienced living  by myself with a job with a helping managers and awesome workmates. In between those times though it was rough for me because a friendship was going downhill for me that i can honestly admit it was my fault. I had not been honest with our friendship and I was immature back then. So during those weeks, I was happy at the same time i had it rough, ofc im not the only one in the situation who suffered and hurt a lot, i do think i have bought more pain esp for her.

June came along it was fine, I realized the pattern during my days living on my own, getting paid (which im grateful for at the same time im only able to save less + i had to pay for rent too every week), Providing food for myself, resting, watching youtubes, twitch and visiting tumblr and any random websites using my ipad. I was fine, but a part of me felt uncomfortable due to the fact theres people living next to my place i live in, I mean i guess i wasnt alone, but the area i live in, honestly people are very dodgy, people in south can be cruel, but i was lucky enough not to encounter such trouble whenever I go buy groceries and buy anything near the motel i live in aka my workplace aswel. Uncomfortable because infront of the motel is a very busy road, Each passing car you can hear peoples music blasting in their car. I got used to it though, so it doesnt bother me anymore. June month, was a tough time for me as a friendship had finally come to an end, I did not want to let go, i honestly convinced her to stay, but I respected her decision to go. If it was her happiness and mental health then ill support, so it ended, but honestly up to this day Im still longing for her, and I care and love our friendship still, but the asshole past me wasnt willing to change for her. Ive learned from my past self though and ive learned a lot from her and our friendship. I learn emotional connections, honesty, empathy and have more compassio and lots more . .... the month of june, I hid to everyone how i was feeling, I had no one to talk to after that, I have no friends, nor any family to talk to about it. I had to endure, i distracted myself through my ipad, through cooking asian foods i find online. I decided to create a tumblr blog dedicated for her, my feelings and everything in general. I think it was my escaped back then and up to this day im thankful for tumblr existence. 

july.. its the same routine everyday, It felt empty, I had no one to talk to nor online. I was desperate, but I ended up on my own. having no savings did not help with my struggles aswel. call me pathetic of whichever you want, but Im very loyal to her. I cant help it but to want her back again. so i kept her in my heart and promised to myself to never forget her. The past past (13yrs) former friend back then, is no longer with me, I moved on from her.. but she who remains with me forever. I think around july I mostly only had few shifts mainly because it wasnt busy at work, luckily im able to pay for my rent, but again notthing left for me for a week. july end of the week, I felt lonely, i felt as if Im a broken record playing a day over and over again. thinking living on my own will make me happy.. but turns out it didnt work for me.

August.. was a crucial month for me, ive been very depressed. So i just continue to distract myself going online until I found a small clip of a korean drama called “remember: war of the son” it intrigue me to the point that I had to watch the drama in few days. Honestly, that drama hit home, hit me in the gut, a reality checked for me. That drama was a wake up call for me. one reason is that it taught me a lesson about family values: I actually do still care about my family, that I miss them especially my little brother. Even though my parents back then was abusive but that doesnt mean i forgive the side of that, At this present i noticed theyve changed, i let them realized that abused is not way to go, ive been honest with them which helped our bonding a bit strong.. but back then It was I who caused this troubles all along with my family, again just how i was in our friendship, I was immature, lazy. ive treated my family like I dont have hopes anymore for them. When in reality they only want me to succeed, I needed to stop being lazy and actually do things on my own because they believed in my, she believed in me i had potential, yet i threw them away because of my stubbornness. 2nd reason was it taught me about myself, and how to be better. It taught me the mistakes I made with everyone close to me, of how ive treated them. I was angry at myself, i hated myself that time. So i encouraged myself to do better, I started to need to improve each day. after few days of finishing the drama, i made a crucial and important decision to go back to my family, and start a new beginning, to start believing in people who cared for me and believed in me. and after i was allowed to go, I was happy, excited, which I had never felt for months. It was my first time excited to go back home - because im not going to be lonely again, I have a computer waiting for me (because i love video games in general i miss it too) and i feel like an opportunity waiting for me back home if I start to be more responsible of myself and explore new things.

September was a month of preparation to go home yet a busy day for me mainly because i worked for 7 days straight with no breaks!! lucky enough the govt was able to give me benefit because i was struggling a lot, at  least with that im able to save up a bit for my flight (one way ticket ^^) I cant no longer wait to go home back then, a part of me will miss the workplace but I dont think it leave a memory for me sadly because I had experienced bad neighbours a lot, it felt dangerous living there back them, thats why I also wanted to go home. I always grateful for our managers who allowed me to work for them, who welcome me while I was struggling before the month of may. For reaching out for me when i was desperate for help. Without their approval, I wouldnt be where I am right now. I honestly thankful and they will always be remembered. end of September, i was finally home, I am myself again, helping my mother do the chores! and just everything in general! I am a much better person than I was in the past (and still improving) I still struggle with loneliness and depression, but distraction and tumblr, instagram helps a lot and oh youtube and twitch.

october.... I finally landed a job!! much better than the previous job because this one Im able to save up more, able to help with my parents, treat myself! and continue to be the best! I can say Im proud of where I am right now. although depression kicks in from time to time. I can endure it. Still i wish i can be with her again, but I hope she is well and safe, 기다릴게. I still have a lot to improve about myself, and I think each step i can do. I know i make mistakes and that happens, I will learn from them, I have my own flaws which Im not embarrassed about. we are only humans right? no one is perfect.

till here for now..... i believe no one will read this anyway but im leaving it here.