#and spending our recess looking for four leaf clovers together

[pointsfortrying]

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[taiblogcomics]

Perhaps Monsters Are The Real Humans

Hey there, chocolate lollipops. Happy Halloween! I don't quite have a spooky comic lined up. But we can still do something fun! Not quite as elaborate as all those books I reviewed last year. But a couple! Yes, some more children's literature I read as a kid, with a monster bend to it~

Let's see, how many of you remember Bailey School Kids? They were a series in the '90s about a group of four kids (Howie, Melody, Liza, and Eddie) who find that the adults in their life seem to ambiguously be monsters. Each one features a different monster or other legendary creature of some kind--most are your standard haunted house affair, but they do also encounter Santa Claus, Blackbeard, and Cupid, just to name a few. They weren't quite scary, and mostly seemed to exist to exibit a kind of monster and the kids' detective work in uncovering their identity and some way to drive them off. But the books were always ambiguous whether the character ever actually was a monster, and that's fun. That's why I like kids' books, honestly: they're creative and fun, and I don't feel threatened that some character I like might be killed off. And no sex scenes, also a bonus!

So, I have a couple of these books to offer you today. Went to a used bookstore recently, and picked up a couple that looked good for reviewing for a mere handful of dollars. We're only doing two books, mostly so this doesn't drag on for 20 years like the Fifth Grade Monsters review did. There's even more books in this series, and I'd like to actually spend time on other things this month. Plus I can always review more in the future if folks are into this one (and are willing to spot me a few bucks--or books~).

#13 Gremlins Don't Chew Bubble Gum Went with book 13 as a first choice, mostly because it was about as close as I could get to an imp character in this series, and a small mischievous woman who pranks everyone seemed right up my alley. Also, yes, every book title follows the same sort of title pattern: a monster or legend is mentioned, and then ascribed a trait or activity not typically associated with said creature.

Let's also review our principle cast real quick. Howie is the lighter-haired boy and ...I actually didn't get a good bead on his personality in these couple books. Melody's the black girl and tends to be the most intelligent of the lot. Liza is the scaredy-cat of the group, and Eddie... Well, there's a lot to say about Eddie. He's the group's troublemaker and has all the typical "rebellious youth" sort of traits. He also tends to be the most skeptical of the bunch, unless he's the one to encounter whatever book's creature first. All of them will trade around how much they believe their friends from book to book.

So we open with our cast in class, right as the power goes out. After many minutes, their teacher Mrs. Jeepers (who is ambiguously a vampire and the subject of the first book) asks Melody to take a note to the principal's office to find out what's going on. When she gets to the office, she finds the usual secretary is out on leave. In her place is a tiny little woman barely taller than the kids. Her name is Miss Kidwell, and she and the principal are inspecting the nearby fusebox. Miss Kidwell has wild hair in many tiny braids, and they seem to stand on end on occasion. She also wears a charm bracelet, which has a single light bulb charm hanging from it. Miss Kidwell tells Melody not to worry, and then the school's alarm bell starts ringing and won't turn off. This happens just as Miss Kidwell blows a gum bubble and pops it. As Miss Kidwell waves goodbye to Melody, Melody thinks she sees two charms on her bracelet.

Since the kids can't work in darkness and ever-deafening alarms, they get let out for recess early. As our four heroes play kickball, Melody slowly pieces together what exactly she thinks is going on: everything Miss Kidwell touches gets messed up somehow. She's not exactly sure how this happens, but Howie comes up with the idea that she might be a gremlin. The group of them head inside the school, trying to find a clock that works so they can find out if it's lunchtime. They run into Miss Kidwell, who is rather surprised that kids would want recess to end. When they tell her they're eager to present their science projects later, she blows a bubble gum bubble and pops it. The lights return, the bells cease, and the kids worry.

As the book progresses, they note that each thing that goes wrong adds a new charm to Miss Kidwell's bracelet. When Howie's radio project fails to turn on, they notice her radio charm. The lights, bells, and clocks also all had a charm. The kids decide that, after school, they'd better go looking for more information. Miss Kidwell actually rides home on the school bus, while the kids take a hike up to where Howie's dad works: a recurring NASA offshoot called FATS (the Federal Aeronautics Technology Station). Howie's dad actually relays them some rather accurate information about gremlins and their origins in World War I. As a kid, this was actually the first place I'd heard the gremlins legend. This kind of info is probably the best thing about these books~

The next day at school, Miss Kidwell bumps into Eddie before class and admires his own science project: a mechanical plane he built. As you might expect, the plane goes haywire when he shows it in class, nearly dive-bombing Mrs. Jeepers. Eddie protests that it can't be his fault, because it didn't even work last night. But if a gremlin can destroy things, perhaps she can repair them too. The book then jumps to the kids leaving school. They find a holdup as the school bus is broken down. When the principal gives it a jump, the horn refuses to stop honking, blaring out the notes of various nursery rhyme tunes. And of course, this is the very bus Miss Kidwell rode home on the day before.

The kids hit up the library to do research, but find something much worse than the Dewey Decimal System waiting for them there. Miss Kidwell is also at the library, and they change their mission from research to reconnaisance. They don't get much, but they do see the title of her book: a visitor's guide to FATS. Now they're becoming extra concerned. If her influence extends beyond the school, the whole town might be plunged into the Dark Ages. The kids have only one strategy. If gremlins bring bad luck to all that they touch, perhaps a little good luck will put Miss Kidwell out of commission.

At school the following day, they each take turns excusing themselves to the restroom to plant objects in Miss Kidwell's office: a lucky horseshoe, a refrigerator magnet of the number 7, a wishbone. Fortunately, Mrs. Jeepers stops allowing their breaks before Eddie can plant his lucky underwear. Alas, these objects don't seem strong enough. Liza thinks of one last, desperate idea. They head onto the field outside and just start gathering clover from the grass. Since they don't have time to look for a four-leaf clover specifically, they decide to just let the law of probability work for them and fill their backpacks with as much clover as they can grab, then abandon their bags outside the office.

This seems to work. Miss Kidwell suddenly starts looking fairly green herself, and excuses herself for the rest of the day. She doesn't turn up at FATS, and indeed, when the kids return to school after the weekend, the principal tells them that Miss Kidwell suddenly had to travel to England for a while. The kids are excited, until the principal then re-introduces the previous secretary, who has returned from her honeymoon: formerly Miss Moore, now Mrs. Lucky. She blows a bubble gum bubble and pops it, treating the kids to a "here we go again" ending.

#15 Zombies Don't Play Soccer So we skip ahead only two books to see what's going on with zombies. I picked this one because I thought it'd be interesting to view the perception of zombies before their current media oversaturation. This is from 1995, the first Resident Evil won't be out for a year and The Walking Dead is a distant dream. So let's check in on the shambling hoards of the mid-'90s~

We begin with our quartet of kids as they all show up to play soccer (or "association football" for you non-Americans). Apparently Eddie's ruthless pranking and goofing off has driven their former coach to retirement. The replacement is this lady, Coach Graves. Eddie decries the notion of a woman coach, but before you decry him as sexist, keep in mind that he's in third grade. When I was in third grade, I had a male teacher for the first time. At that point, I'd never even heard of male teachers, I didn't know male teachers were a thing, I thought it was a woman-only job. It's plausible Eddie has never heard of female athletes~

Anyway, this is Coach Graves. She looks rather slight and average on the cover, but all the text describes her as huge, comparing her to a linebacker. That's the wrong football there, guys. She's also from New Orleans. Coach Graves then works the kids to the bone playing soccer. They practice passing and dribbling, and by the time they leave for the day, they're exhausted. Their loitering allows them to catch a glimpse of a strange old lady in a black dress and wide-brimmed hat, who comes to talk angrily with Coach Graves. They're out of reach to overhear, but they assume the gist of it from body language: the lady does not want Coach Graves to stay in Bailey City.

The kids return for more soccer the next day, only to find Coach Graves already there. She's sitting on the bench and just staring straight ahead. She doesn't respond to the children, and barely lets go of the ball so they can play. The lack of coaching leads Eddie to his usual horsing around, and Coach Graves does nothing. Eventually, Melody calls her friends together and decides to let them in on her suspicions: Coach Graves may in fact be a zombie. She heard of them from her cousin last summer, and it roughly fits the description of a voodoo zombie: a person ensorcellated to do another's bidding.

Curiously, one of the signs to tell if someone is a zombie is that they won't look you in the eye. I'll be honest, I haven't heard that one before. Eddie tries it, since the coach is still sitting unresponsive, and indeed she cannot look him in the eye when he starts staring. This is conclusive proof, I guess. They break up practice, and give the ball back to the coach, who walks off stiff-legged and arms outstretched. The kids run away, but stop and return, resolving to follow the coach home.

Coach Graves seems to live in a small house just past the local cemetary. Of course. They watch as the coach slowly digs a big hole in her yard, and drops the team ball inside. They take this as a horrific action, since if they don't have a ball, they can't play in the big game. Is this the only ball in the city? You may have a bigger problem than zombies, if that's the case. Anyway, Eddie sneaks onto the property after the coach leaves to retrieve the ball, realising that the size of the hole actually makes it a grave. Some artificial tension is generated when the kids shout that Coach Graves is coming back while Eddie is stuck in the hole and can't get out because it's too deep. The chapter ends, and the next one starts by resolving these things offscreen without saying how.

Coach Graves returns to the field in the same state the next day, and Liza makes her one contribution by suggesting the coach is just sleepwalking. She tries tickling the coach, because "tickling always wakes her up". This raises more questions that the book will never explain. Either way, it does nothing to stir the coach. Melody turns up, and she has a better solution: feed the coach peanuts. See, as everyone knows, giving salt to a zombie will break its connection to the voodoo priest who raised it. Completely ignorant of the coach's potential allergies, Melody basically press-gangs some peanuts on Coach Graves. Alas, they have no effect because Melody foolishly brought the salt-free peanuts.

It's time for the big game, but the coach is still unresponsive. And of course, they're getting their asses kicked by the rival team. Recalling something the coach said at their first meeeting about how "good soccer-playing can wake the dead", the kids decide to actually try teamwork in their team sport. And it turns out when they put effort into playing, they actually end up scoring. They win the game, and very suddenly the coach snaps out of her stupor. She tells the old woman, who turns out to be her grandmother, that she clearly can't go back to New Orleans when such a good soccer team is here. She's going to have to work them even harder, since she knows they can win. The book ends on another "wah-wah" moment as the kids wonder if they should've just left her a zombie.

So, that's two books. As you can see, they're rather formulaic: kids meet a new adult, one of them suspects them of being some sort of monster, they do research to convince the rest of the group, they try and fail to drive off the adult, and the book ends abruptly with a brief (and often oddly contrived) resolution and a sort of goofy ending stinger. This would go on for quite a few books, and even I don't think I read them all. I'd love the chance to try, though. Perhaps we could even review a few more of them here~

The real appeal of these books is the variety and depth of the different creatures the kids encounter. As seen in this set, the facts about the monsters are often pretty accurate (the WWI origin of gremlins, the salt being used to defeat zombies), and the more books they did, the more interesting the monsters would get. They even did one based on the story of St. George and the Dragon, another example of a story I first heard about from these books. There was even a sequel series, Bailey City Monsters, where they dropped the ambiguity and just straight-up admitted the adults were monsters. Again, I'd love to review those for this blog.

So, not exactly the spookiest series, but a worthy addition to a young kid's library this Halloween, I think~