#and sure. the events of a house party in 2017 shouldn't still effect my day to day life but its sort of hard to ignore that feeling
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#when i was in high school i played a party game with some of my classmates at a get-together where you had to rank people on questions#yearbook style awards really. whos the most handsome. who's the most annoying etc etc#i flew under everyone's radar except for the question who do you think will die a widow#i dont know. i think about that alot. because i was still so unsure of myself and my relationship to gender and sexuality#it sort of felt like everyone in the room pointed a finger at me and labled me UNLOVABLE#and sure. the events of a house party in 2017 shouldn't still effect my day to day life but its sort of hard to ignore that feeling#it wasn't an especially kind thing to leave me with when i graduated and went off to college#i never tried dating in college. i think that unlovable label sort of hung over my head for my entire formal education#i had friends who did date during college. with varying degrees of success. and im really happy for them#but i couldn't bring myself to try and put myself out there. i didnt feel like i was a suitable enough person to even attempt it#idk. then covid hit and i jjst dont enjoy meeting new people#and now im 24. my little sister has more dating experience under her belt and I'm really starting to love up to that dying as a widow omen#whatever. i dont wanna be annoying and sad on everyones feeds I know thats bad manners#but i dont talk about it and ive been thinking about it alot#ill delete this later or something. if i remember to#personal
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