#and tarnished many many people's childhood and adolescence

[awordwasthebeginning]

🤡

[freyxdavis]

Welcome to Aurora Bay, [FREYA DAVIS]! I couldn’t help but notice you look an awful lot like [EMMA STONE]. You must be the [THIRTY-THREE] year old [FORMER REALITY TV STAR]. Word is you’re [AFFABLE] but can also be a bit [VINDICTIVE] and your favorite song is [SWEET CREATURE BY HARRY STYLES]. I also heard you’ll be staying in [AURORA BAY DRIVE]. I’m sure you’ll love it!

Basics:

Full name: Freya Greer Davis-Green

Nickname: Frey

Age: 33

Birthdate: April 9th, 1991

Sun,Moon,Rising: Aries, Leo, Gemini

Hometown: Los Angeles

Job: Former Reality TV Star/ Social Media Influencer

Been in Aurora Bay: 2 years

Bio:

Freya was born into a family that has been in the entertainment industry since her grandfather would run around Hollywood sets in the sound crew and her grandmother would act in movies.

Continuing in the dynasty her mother became an actress, while her father worked as a cameraman.

Nothing in her childhood was stable. From parties that lasted until the early morning hours, arguments between her parents that resulted in the breaking of glass bottles, to being photographed when her mother had a breakdown in front of a grocery store and broke the car window of one of her "fans". It's fair to say that Freya has seen quite a bit.

For the longest time, Freya was the only child and grandchild, so she was very much expected to follow the path that her grandparents set. Specifically, her mother wanted her to be an actress, just like her.

Freya did a bit of acting as a child, but she hated it. She was in a children's show for three years and had small speaking roles in a few movies, but that is it. She thought that when her younger sister was born, maybe a bit of the pressure would be off of her but it only made her parents push her harder.

The pressure of needing to please her family and pursue something that she had no interest in, drove Freya to have a very reckless adolescence. If people were to google her name, it wouldn't be hard to find articles about how scandalous her teenage years were. Underage drinking, exposed drug usage, and dating a few creeps. She was a tabloid regular.

She continued on a destructive path until her younger sister, Darlene was old enough to be effected by her careless ways. While he parents may have put her in danger when she was young, Freya refused to be that way with Darlene.

With the urging of her parents, at 18, Freya went to rehab for a few months. Not because they truly cared, but because they wanted her to clean up her image. To this day, Freya will say that she was never addicted to any other substance but attention. But she knew that this act would help clear her family's image, so she did it.

After her stint in rehab, Freya found herself traveling around the world. College was never something that interested her but she did find joy in immersing herself in other countries and helping people. Again, many people believed that her charity work was due to the fact that she had such a tarnished reputation but she truly did enjoy it.

She spent seven years living in different countries in Europe and Asia. Visiting home often to see her little sister. It was during one of those visits that her father introduced her to her first husband, who was an actor, and she was instantly infatuated. She realizes now that it was because he was a manipulator but back then she was ready to settle down.

They dated for a year before tying the knot and at that time in life, she was also offered a spot on a reality show franchise much like the real housewives, called Reality Check. It had only been on for one season and the ratings were not that great. They believed Freya could liven things up, because of her wild past.

Freya joined the moment she saw how much money they were offering her. She was on for three seasons. The first two seasons were about her getting used to married life and having a child. Everything seemed like things were great. Her first few seasons were full of laughs and love. No one would have expected that the next thing that happened was her husband would be caught cheating on her with a co-star.

That season had the best ratings but it caused her the most pain. After her contractual obligations were done, she moved to Aurora Bay where a few of her extended family lives.

For the last two years, she's lived in Aurora Bay Drive with her son Theo and sister Darlene, picking up the pieces of her fragile ego. She still documents her life on Instagram and TikTok to generate an income but she is now in charge of how much the world sees.

Headcanons:

To those she's closest to, Freya may joke around incessantly with them.

Freya refuses to show Theo in her videos. Family vlogs are not her style.

Her relationship with her parents is still pretty strained. They are definitely not as chaotic as they were when she was younger but she still has a ton of issues with how they forced her to act when she was younger.

Everyone loves a redemption story and while Freya is definitely not A-tier famous. She's a reality star who has her own little fanbase, that loves the fact that she went from having a reckless past to a dedicated mother and wife...at one point.

Speaking of being a wife, she still doesn't have a formal divorce. She's too angry to settle for any negotiations and he is still trying to convince her to stay. She's sure it has to do with her last name and not her at all.

She has a dog named puppernickle that is escorted from Aurora Bay to LA every other month due to her separation. She is aware of how ridiculous this sounds to many people but it can not be helped.

Important Relationships:

Family; Parents: Gregory and Kendra Davis, Siblings: Darlene Davis (18), Child: Theo Davis-Green (5)

Platonic; Plots wanted: Anything and everything

Romantic; Plots wanted: just vibin'. nothing wanted but def want plots.

[riverdamien]

Living the Questions!

"Sloughing To Galilee!"

Mental Health Awareness Month!

Carlo Acuta

Damien of Molokai

Francis of Assisi

Dorothy Day

"Being Faithful In the Midst of Question!"

"All Work That Is Worth Doing is Done In Faith~" Albert Schiezer

"Down these Mean Streets a person must go who is not mean, tarnished or afraid (Blue Bloods)".

"Imagine if we all walked into the world with the belief that each person was inherently worthy.

Imagine if our goal was to help each other recognize that we are worthy of being loved.

Imagine if we sought to LISTEN MORE THAN WE SPOKE."

--Fred Rogers=

I wear around my neck a small piece of jewelry, all I have to do is punch it and the police and an ambulance suddenly appear; I go to a hospital and am treated. I can go to the store and pick up whatever I choose to eat; In the last two weeks I have sat with two young guys who overdosed; others are in tents, the doorways. Deep contrasts I see! Deep contrasts that are hidden! As I look at my own life I see the journey it has taken me to get here, a journey of pain, rejection, and deconstruction, and yet a journey of joy and healing.

I look back to my childhood in a small southern town, where I had great parents, but from the moment I was born, I was set up for religious trauma, which continues even now, in many ways in my life of faith-raising questions.

As far as I could remember I was taught that being queer, gay, was a deep sin; that such activities like masturbation, and cussing were sins. There was deep shame instilled. The environment was racist, with separate schools and separate parts of town people lived in. I was raised in the church, and at 12 at church camp found myself called to ministry, and even to this day that call is strong, leading my life and saving me from desperation.

Because of not being able to be myself truly I had many of the characteristics of low self-esteem, lack of maturity, lack of boundaries, and difficulty in interpreting relationships. My childhood and adolescence were harrowing and scary.

Through college, seminary, and years in the parish, I took anti-depressants. When my little brother was killed in an accident I broke down and told my District Superintendent I needed to see a therapist to look at my "sexual identity," and was sent to  "conversion therapy", my god, the way I was treated, harrassed, beaten and finally kicked out on the streets. The Church followed suit, and I lost every relationship I have ever had, I was so alone and fearful. I ceased believing in God and turned to the streets in L.A., became a hustler, a whore.

This was the time I rebelled--against the system; against society, and authority figures; there were days for the first time in my life I had no money for food or a place to stay, so I lived on the streets, and when I made money motels. I was raped, beaten up, and a life of survivor, but it provided me my first chance to experiment with my sexuality.

There was much shame in my life, had always been, much guilt, my closest friends were my fellow street kids, I came to love them, to understand them, receiving the greatest gift of all their acceptance, and my gift for my coming ministry.

So within three years, I had begun my coming off the streets, got a job in Minneapolis as a counselor lying about where I had been, and gave several "johns" as references, saying I had provided in-home counseling, and so off the streets, and my coming out continued.

Like an addict, who just gets clean off drugs, I was mentally stuck in adolescence and so I started growing up, I am not sure I have ever grown up. But am still growing!

And so I came to San Francisco for a workshop, and fell in love with the City, but more importantly the kids on the street. I missed the streets, and I understood those kids.  And so I came to San Francisco, found a job as a counselor, a place on Polk Street, and began by buying kids piazza, and as I have done all my years, simply listened, being a presence and a friend. I found a therapist and for ten years worked on my coming out, and finally found peace. Found peace in my ministry! Life is gray, full of gray areas, no black and white; my anger arises when conservatives come proclaiming their gospel; when people come in and make judgments on what the people on the street should do or believe.

Like the "Hound of Heaven," God never let me go, and during these years God reminded me that I was called in my mother's womb and knew exactly who I was.

These years have been tough and yet filled with joy. The established churches have never accepted me, because of the people I work with, for the Church seems to want to keep its distance. Other institutions very seldom work with the bottom ten percent like I do, and they too nervously work with me when they have to.

Again the church tries to shame me, tries to shame my queer kids, and all homeless people and I am no longer available for that shaming. Dorothy Day once said, "The system is dirty and rotten!" and she was right. Like her, I do not vote, and my protests are in listening, caring, and giving of food to the homeless!

As I am coming to my 30th year in ministry, I am still questioning God and myself, but I know without God I frankly would never have survived for in God I find my purpose. Rather than a place to hide, Calvary shines as a light on a cruel hill, a luminous revelation of God's utter self-give, revealed in all its bloody transparency. In honest faithfulness Christ discloses God's love as the perfect gift, calling us to share that love with everyone!

 For me God is universal, God is a God of Absolute love, and most of the guys know I am a priest, they see me in the Haight and elsewhere celebrating the Eucharist, and many come because it too is all-inclusive.

I have a gathering at my place twice a month early Sunday morning for individuals working overnight, be they hookers or nurses, and we share, no matter their beliefs, and I celebrate the Eucharist as a sign of God's inclusive love.

My ministry is one of presence, walking with each person where he or she is without judgment. No one knows the road of pain they are on, and so my ministry is that of simply listening and caring.

In my years only the therapists or others who could simply walk with me, without judgment with Roger's approach of listening is where I found my path.

In these years I have been beaten, stabbed, shot at, and threatened; the gossip has been the most painful. Again there is much joy!

Religious Trauma has been and is a major part of my life. It has shaped my personality, but now on the whole I am at peace. Religious Trauma has brought me in service to others in the same boat.

The painting at the head of this article was drawn by a young man questioning his beliefs in light of being condemned for being gay, and he committed suicide. It is a painting that haunts me, a haunting presence of the cruelty of religious trauma. A painting of the cruelty of black-and-white religion, not of the presence of inclusive love!

I question all the time if there is a God, and I often wonder if my trust in the presence I feel a lot is fake, but ultimately God is what has gotten me through these years! Like Mother Teresa, I have my doubts, but like her, I continue on understanding, that "God has not called us to success; He has called us to be faithful."

In listening to an interview on "Sixty Minutes" Sunday with Pope Francis, he summarized the major problem in our world--"indifference" people ignoring others and the pain around them, and the ever-present trauma. For me, I got off my duff as a result of faith, and summoned others regardless of belief to do the same!

Deo Gratias! Thanks be to God!

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I affirm that I believe in God the Father, Almighty.

I believe and trust in Jesus Christ, his Son.

I believe in the Holy Spirit.

I believe and trust in the Three in One.

I respect with all of my heart where others are in their lives and meet them unconditionally.

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Dr. River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T.

Post Office Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

www.temenos.org

paypal.com

415-305-2124

Dr. River Sims, D.Min., D.S.T.

Director

Certificate in Drug and Alcohol Addiction

Certificate in Spiritual Direction

Prayer of St. Brendan!

"Help me to journey beyond the familiar

and into the unknown.

Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with You. Christ of the mysteries I trust in You to be stronger than each storm within me.

I will trust in the darkness and know that my times, even now, are in Your hands.

Tune my spirit to the music of heaven,

and somehow, make my obedience count for You"

------------------------------------------------

(Temenos and Dr. River seek to remain accessible to everyone. We do not endorse particular causes, political parties, or candidates, or take part in public controversies, whether religious, political or social--Our pastoral ministry is to everyone!

================================

[wxsuthorn]

a sort of organised analysis of The Gifted characters:

pt 2: Wave

(this analysis includes episodes 1-13 of season one and 1-7 of season two, so it probably isn’t completely accurate, but i tried my best. also please excuse my shitty grammar and spelling if I noticed it i would’ve fixed it lmao)

Characteristics and qualities in the beginning of season 1

I’m writing this while listening to love score on loop lmao so if smth I write makes no sense I blame it on nanon’s high note. RAK TER DAI REBLAOW. okay so in episode one Wave just seems like that classic draco malfoy mean dude with his whole wIpE mY fReAkInG fOoT bullshit. But wait... what’s this??? an egotistical personality that comes from past trauma??? yep, lmao. But we’ll talk more about that in the next section.

Throughout the show, Wave displays his ego very clearly, but he also show’s his intelligence. I don’t think i need to explain but in case you need examples: first discovered his potential and revealed it, solved the problem from the academic competition punn was in, almost beat all of the gifted squad when he had the plan to “leak” the gifted program info (he could’ve done it if pang didn’t use his potential, which wave didn’t know the details of, unlike the rest of his classmates), did a research project in eighth grade that was plagiarized to be used as a MASTERS(?) DEGREE THESIS. Bitch is smart as fuck, on contrary to Pang, who also has an inflated ego. (I will discuss how their egos are different in the next part). His intelligence isn’t only academic, but he’s also street smart, and he knows how to provoke people (like when he came back at ohm’s joke + when he provokes punn)

Wave doesn’t really show a lot of depth in the beginning, but to sum it up: ego, smart, kinda cocky and wants to be the best, doesn’t seem to trust anyone, very straight forward/has a level of confidence, cool/mysterious so I don’t really mind him being mean cuz im interested in his back story.

okay lets move one to where wave has a backstory and development.

Characteristics and qualities from episode 9 - 12 of season 1

Wave... was mentally/emotionally groomed when he was in eighth grade and had his work plagiarized. Yeah. On top of that, he’s an orphan with grandparents/guardians who don’t provide him enough emotional support for him to develop properly as an adolescent. These traumatic experiences affected him in so many ways.

In the flashbacks, we see Wave being shy, introverted, and he lacks the confidence he has in the present. His eighth grade self lacks self confidence, since a majority of the adults in his life have told him that he was dumb/he wasn’t good enough. On top of that, he has no emotional support (adults or peers) to seek help from and was probably very lonely for a long time. Well, if Wave is in M4 (aged 15-16) in season 1, and he was in lower secondary school in the flashbacks (probably M3, aged 14-15), which means that his personality changed/developed pretty quickly. What triggered this change you ask? MS. NARA. THE BITCH AND ONLY. FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WHO I HATE AND WANT TO DROP KICK.

Let’s talk about Ms. Nara, shall we? To say the least, she mentally/emotionally groomed Wave into trusting her, and even having a crush on her. She encouraged him to do work that she would eventually plagiarize for her masters degree thesis. That’s the shit she did. Fucking bitch I hate her. And Wave trusted her really easily because again, he significantly lacked emotional support, so once he received it, he was very welcoming of it. This allowed for ms. bitchass to groom him more easily. She praised his talent, spent a lot of time with him, encouraged him to do more, and brought his ego up. Her effect on Wave stuck with him, since it wasn’t really that long ago, and he could even remember little words/phrases she would say. “You talk big game, huh?” is one of the things she said to Wave, and when Namtaan said the same thing to him, you could see him thinking back to those times with ms. bitchass. lmao almost everyone in this show has trauma. Now, when Wave decided to expose ms. bitchass for buying her bachelors degree and get her fired, that shows basically where he became like the wave from season 1. He wanted to win against her. He couldn’t let her get away with what she did to him. After all, isn’t he extremely talented? Despite him disposing of ms. bitchass, he still took in her words of encouragement and praise. He still believed it all. But after she “betrayed” him, he must’ve felt that perhaps she was lying... so in turn, he had to prove that he indeed was talented by getting back at ms. bitchass.

Ah yes, Wave is indeed a cocky motherfucker. But his ego can be easily tarnished by adults. The reason why I say adults, is because I don’t think he has ever felt threatened by a gifted student, other than Pang. When Punn tried to provoke him by saying he didn’t get head student, Wave didn’t give a shit cuz he knew (thought) he was better. But when Director Supot says “Wasuthorn im disappointed in you” and shit like that, Wave listens to it and gets pissed as hell. A lot of these behaviors come from his trauma with Ms. Nara. If you look at almost any internal conflict he has, it can be traced back to his self-worth and/or trust issues that stemmed from Ms. Nara. 

I don’t think I’ll need to explain this much but Wave’s need to win at everything is basically to prove to everyone (but actually just to himself) that he’s better/more talented than everyone else again because of his past trauma and how he had almost no emotional support.

Okay now I’m gonna talk about his relationship with Pang and their trust. This is the part where I’ll get the most wrong cuz episode 9 of tgg just fucking came out and im rushing cuz i wanna watch it. Again, unlike other peers, Pang reaches out to Wave as an equal, and they have an agreed ideal. Fuck the school system, it just makes kids feel bad about themselves and give them trauma. At first, I think Wave trusted Pang because of his idealistic and almost naive outlook on the world; he just seemed good, and like he genuinely wanted to do something to better people. However, in the end his ideals and beliefs to align with Pang’s exactly. No one wanted to give up their potentials for their own reasons, Wave’s being to protect his breakable ego. lmao this is getting messy im so sorry welp lets move on.

Characteristics and qualities from season 2, until episode 7

Wave trusts Pang. He says it to Time. It’s made clear in the beginning. But when Pang decides on things on his own and tries to find Korn on his own, Wave starts to see a pattern. Pang (unknowingly) only comes to Wave when he needs help with something regarding doing the right thing blah blah blah hero complex shit. and like Wave said, once he doesn’t agree with Pang, he just does everything on his own, like his view is the only correct one.

Lets take Korn for example. Or the whole “there’s an imposter among us” drama. Wave was the one with the braincell in the moment. He was the one to conclude that they could be someone within the group who betrayed them. He looked at the situation logically, while Pang was looking at it idealistically. This is what separates them and causes friction between them. Wave can separate and balance his ideals/logic/emotions, while Pang’s ideals/logic/emotion are all smushed together and combined.

Last point: his last fight with pang (episode 7) was a valid one. Wave was hurt af. and i think he started to see Pang as another Ms. Nara. The difference here is that Pang is a kid, and he’s also unstable, so they’re both affected by what he’s doing. It is possible that Punn used Pang’s potential on Wave, but it wouldn’t be out of character if the fight came up naturally.

Summary

Has an inflated, yet breakable ego

does what he can to prove that he’s talented/good enough to protect his ego from shattering

trust issues (stemming from Ms. Nara)

a smart boi

he can balance his ideals/logic/emotions most of the time

Sees Ms. Nara in everyone, compares all of his relationships to the one between him and Ms. Nara

Genuinely cares for people and is afraid to lose the emotional support he has (since he lacked so much of it in his childhood)

A smol bean that must be protected

Cocky

could probably be the villain to a superhero movie if he wanted to

[cherr-e]

𝘿𝘼𝙉𝙄𝙀𝙇𝙇𝙀 𝙆𝙄𝙈. 1994.04.27

name: danielle kim | dani ⟶ nicknames: dani, guma

birthday: 27th of april, 1994. ⟶ born in barcelona, spain

heritage: south-korean ⟶ grew up in paris, barcelona and a little bit in london

sexuality: straight(?) ⟶ not necessarily attracted to men, she’s  always angered by them - they have caused many headaches

height: 168 cm  weight: 45 kg ⟶ her body proportions is what piques the interest of many designers in the fashion world

languages: fluent in | korean, french and english ⟶ she speaks bits of spanish, but it’s at middle- schooler level, and a little bit of mandarin

vocals: olivia escuyos / ariana grande ⟶ despite her boisterous personality, she’s soft-toned  and has a mature voice. she almost sounds like a philosopher. 

✗ 𝙁𝘼𝙈𝙄𝙇𝙔

danielle grew up in a rich family, her parents both business-orientated people who worked well internationally. you can even say that her family are of the 1% of elite in south-korea. she has one older sister, one older brother, one twin brother and one younger sister. when she reached her preteens, hanging out and growing up with a large family like a normal preteen was not something she was faced with regularly. danielle started studying in an international private school in france with her twin brother when she hit eleven. she’s closer to her siblings than her parents as they were always trying to keep in touch and be like normal siblings. 

mother, kim eunjung. (previously known as park eunjung) born in 1969, eunjung was born into an average middle-class family. she had studied diligently and specialised in business and management in university as her main degree. later on in her life, the mother of four studied fashion, making couture dresses inspired by hanboks (traditional korean dresses), the brand had been welcomed well into the fashion industry - making her one of the top designers in south-korea. in 1990, during her university student life - eunjung had met her soon-to-be husband kim jinhyung, she quickly fell pregnant with her first son. 

father, kim jinhyung. born in 1970, the father of four was born into a rich family of doctors. his father a heart surgeon and his grandfather used to be a well-known doctor in a small village before the war. jinhyung’s father had taken part in the korean war, part of the south’s soldiers. his childhood was not that much exciting, a father struggling with PTSD who was also balancing his high position in the hospital. his mother was a teacher in a local school, and retired to become a stay at home mother for her two sons. her eldest, jinhyung, not following the stereotypical route of his ancestors and pursued business in university. however her youngest followed the route of medicine. jinhyung then met his wife in university and had married her after 9 months of dating, the couple started businesses together and invested a lot in building new hospitals in korea. soon they were extending out to international wants and needs. hence why danielle grew up in many countries. 

older brother, kim rohan. the eldest was born in 1991, he spent most of his childhood in between seoul and barcelona. at first, he thought he’d follow his parents footsteps and specialise in business - but from a young age he enjoyed so many sports. his favourite was football (soccer for americans), he was persistent with convincing his asian parents in pursuing something that wasn’t so stereotypical. so, they made a bet. go train at manchester united f.c, and if he’s accepted - he can follow his dreams. at the age of 12, he flew to the uk where he trained and mastered his skills in football. now, he’s one of the most famous players to come out of south-korea - son heungmin and kim rohan. household names for football lovers.  ⟶ daughter: kim sohye (b.2013) aka danielle’s favourite niece and probably her only niece. sohye was born out of wedlock, after a one-night stand with some girl rohan met at a club. when the news became public with him bringing a child in this world that wasn’t something out of marriage - his reputation was slightly tarnished and kept his daughter out of the spotlight for the first few years of her life. now, everything is all swell, and the korean public have warmed up to his daughter. 

older sister, kim sunghee. the fashion designer of the family was born in the early months of 1993. she was born in seoul, and attended a prestige school in south-korea. out of all her siblings, she’s the most “korean” according to korean netizens due to how many years she’s spent in the small country. sunghee studied fashion, like her mother, in university and spent a year abroad in london honing her skills and finding her own style. she started her successful fashion brand in 2015 and since then been collaborating with many famous fashion designers around the world. in 2019, it was announced that danielle and sunghee would be starting a new clothing line and fans are excited to know what the duo of siblings would bring to the world. 

twin brother, isaac kim. otherwise known as kim jihoon, was born 10 minutes after his twin sister and have been inseparable since birth. they spent majority if not most of their childhood together, went to the same international private school in france, and are basically the cutest pair of siblings with usual arguments and banter. the two made a promise to pursue careers in the arts, isaac is a professional actor and entertainer in korean tv. whereas his sister is a well-known singer and actress internationally and nationally, they’re so close that whenever danielle is invited to extravagant events - he is her partner and are often wearing matching outfits. 

youngest sister, evelyn kim. the youngest baby in the family, she was born in the year of 2000 and is probably the member who is the least in the spotlight. she’s got a lot of instagram followers, prompting brands to believe she’s an influencer. however, the youngest is striving to become a lawyer and is the most clever out of her siblings (according to her parents and siblings). she spent most of her years of life in south-korea, unlike her older siblings, underneath the care of her grandparents and sometimes her parents. she’s the closest to all of her siblings, her brothers are overprotective “pieces of shits” and her sisters are “gems. but bitchy gems.” 

⟶ the family tree

✗ 𝘊𝘈𝘙𝘌𝘌𝘙 

groups ⇁ rTRO (2017-present)

position within rTRO ⇁ main vocalist, visual9

training period ⇁ n/a

agency ⇁ Timed Nation (as of 2016), internationally  she’s signed to UMG (from 2014). 

group debut date ⇁ 040617

solo debut date ⇁ 161215

✗ 𝘛𝘙𝘈𝘐𝘛𝘚

introverted. only wastes her energy on people close to her, and who she works with.in interviews she’s reserved but when behind the scenes footage is released - she’s very interactive with people she works with. especially the dance crew. she’s very reserved online and in the public eye, but she does speak up about issues in the world like sexism, the poor and how the rich are pricks (ain’t afraid to expose) and racism 

insecure. not about her looks but rather her personality. she’s scared to come off as intimidating and bitchy to others, and that has led her to only speak to people she’s interested in. a lot of people have used her ‘personality’ against her. she’s a strong sensitive woman i guess. this insecurity has probably stemmed from her parents’ absence from her adolescent years. 

perfectionist. absolutely despises when her art doesn’t go her way, she takes control in a lot of things. her songs have to fit her standards and has spent months on at least one song. music and dance is something she has always treasured and she wants to look amazing doing it.  

[squiishiichaos]

Giving Kairi the Write She Deserved, Chapter 1

“What the fuck are you doing here?”  She growled as her great sword vaporized five shadowy fiends to dust with a single swipe.     Another swing and another unlucky six were sent back to whatever hell they crawled out of.

In the middle of the few that remained, a young teenager stood—off his guard and defenseless.  Flowing silver locks lay flat over wide jade eyes.  His mouth hung agape in a mixture of shock and outrage, watching her catch the brunt of Lone Survivor with an expression that held a lot less gratitude than she really figured this situation afforded.  

Rolling her eyes, Kairi ducked below an attempted swipe of shadowed claws and thrust her hilt up into the pitiful creature’s abdomen. A pink heart evaporated from within its small form, disappearing into nothingness along with the next one she freed with a careful block.  Anchoring her back foot, she swung her weapon around her head and brought it down on the next wave with a practiced swipe.   Behind the male, the last three cowered back and all but vanished with a flick of his hand.

Kairi couldn’t help her glare.  “Don’t make me ask again, stranger.”

The boy offered a crooked grin.  “I could ask you the same thing.   It’s not often I find people who can hurt the heartless.”

“What the fuck is a heartless?”

“Those creatures you just slew.  They’re beings who lost their hearts to the darkness. Don’t worry, they’re just mindless peons now—they certainly couldn’t hurt someone as bright as yourself.” Kairi felt, distantly, like that might have been meant as a compliment, but riding atop a smirk that scraggly, she couldn’t admittedly say she took it as one.    “My name’s Riku.  I’m here to find more people like yourself.”

“You’re too late.  There is no one else here.” The boy startled for a second, but it was already gone before she could blink.

“Really?  That’s not what I’m feeling.”  Looking around him in a slow arc, Riku settled a narrowed leer on her as a dark blade appeared in his hand.  “Or maybe you’re trying to hide her from me.”

Clutching tight to her weapon, Kairi dared him to make a move.  Please, make my fucking day. “I guess you’ll just have to find out, won’t you?”

He was fast—faster than she expected—but nothing she hadn’t prepared for.   Years alone in this deserted castle had weathered Kairi into a soldier.  A stalwart defender who had lost enough times in her childhood to know the true glee of victory.  Had hurt enough in her adolescence to relish the flavor of blood in her mouth and roughness of scabs on her flesh.  She had learned how to raise her sword with enough speed to not only block the slice he aimed for her head, but also throw him off balance in the air, primed for a quick wrench of her wrist and an upward cut with the dull edge of her blade.  

He managed to flip away from the attack before she could make contact, catching his footing a decent measure away.  Switching her sword into her left hand, Kairi twirled it back into a more offensive stance and lowered her weight for the next bout.

Clearly, she realized, cockiness was a trait this teenager held dear to him.  Every attack was skillful—sure—but contained an air of assured victory that made her only want to win more.  His form, while practical, came with a flare to it that was stylish but left a plethora of openings for her hilt to jab up between his ribs and knock the air right out of him, driving him out of her bubble and back to his side to strategize a new tactic.  

While he carefully circled her, Kairi decided enough was enough.  

Letting a sigh out through her nose, she tossed her blade back into her right hand and brought it close to herself before taking a single pivoting step forward, slashing out with enough reach to send the boy jolting back in a last-ditch effort to avoid the strike.   

A dark stain emerged where navy fabric tore atop the boy’s torso.

Scowling at her, he placed a hand to the wound and snarled. “If that’s how it’s gonna be, here!  I’ll give you some new friends to play with!”  With a flick of his hand, more of those shadowy fiends appeared in a cluster between them.    “I’ve got a more important playdate to keep to!”  He crowed before turning from their battle and disappearing down the hall.

Taking out three heartless with another swing of her sword, Kairi yelled after him, “that’s right, you better run, fucking coward!”  With another twist of her sword, she decimated another wave of heartless out of sheer frustration.  

After making short work of the few traces of bright eyes haunting her, Kairi swung Lone Survivor back into its harness across her back and took off after the intruder. 

 There’d been something about him that set off alarms in her mind.  A depth to his eyes that looked like a bitterness she was used to seeing in the mirror on particularly rough mornings.   A confidence in his actions that reminded her of a puppet being pulled by its strings.  Smelled of a pungency that rolled off him in waves not unlike the stench of someone desperately trying to hide a secret.  

There were enough secrets in these halls, she certainly didn’t need another.

Barging through set after set of heavy wooden doors, she made her way through familiar halls at breakneck pace.  Footsteps displaced layers of dust from inhabitants long gone, leaving her a trail of departed tracks to follow from one room and into the next, continuing through each dilapidated room toward the spiraling set of stairs back to the bottom floor.   Taking two at a time, Kairi hopped off five steps from the bottom and rolled back up to her feet to follow the boy’s trail through the many empty ballrooms forgotten to time.

A distant part of her could hear music playing in the rooms, faint and nostalgic.  The tune so magnetic it forced her to stop a moment and look about the room for the source of the sound.   Unable to find anything of merit, she shrugged the chills off her spine and took off toward the main hall at a dead sprint, only stopping to veer through a secret door when she was just paces from the foyer.

Following a maze of abandoned passages through deteriorating stone and crumbling rock, she cautiously crept toward the breeze of cold air coming in through the cracks in the walls.   Atop each whispered wind came voices dipped in sourness.  

She heard a familiar one cackle maliciously, “it was never yours to begin with!  This has always been my story—my destiny!”

Another, softer voice responded, “Riku, it doesn’t have to be like this!”

“But it does, Sora.   The worlds only need one hero.  Here—go play with your new friends.”  A muffled clatter rang through the walls like a branch tossed to the floor.  Indiscernible chatter continued for a few quick seconds before the walls went silent and the secret corridors once again quiet.  

Thudding her gloved fist against a few loose stones in the wall adjacent to her, another path opened into more stretching hallways.   Fortified in mortar and rock, no sound penetrated the windowless hall that led her beyond the many unused ballrooms and past the unfurnished guest rooms.   Winding and twisting between hollowed out caverns housing only a few unopened boxes, the path narrowed into a crawl space toward a miniature staircase leading toward the outline of another secret door.   Blindly pulling at one of the many hidden switches, stone scraped against stone, allowing her exit back to the open remains of the once glorious Hollow Bastion.

Stepping into the light of the grand entrance, she caught sight of more tracks in the untouched dust and took off following them.  Making sure to stay atop her toes to keep her steps light as possible, Kairi meandered through an open set of double doors and found her way around a blind curve back toward the many arcing dining halls.   

Stopping at the only set of doors ajar, she pushed through to the other side and immediately groaned at the boy laid out among a crowd of heartless.

What is with all these people who can’t defend themselves, my word!   Whipping Lone Survivor off her back, she charged into the fray and brought down six pouncing heartless as she cawed, “get your scrawny claws out of my territory!”   Two more strikes and the host of golden eyes were all but gone.   The trace scent of darkness lingered, though—hanging onto the room with an acrid aroma of ominous tidings.

Shaking it off, she turned to the boy on the ground and stabbed her sword into the ground by her side.   Pulling him up in one foul swoop, she deposited him in front of her with a scowl etched across her face.  “Didn’t anyone ever teach you how to fucking fight?”

Despite the few bruises darkening his sun-kissed cheeks alongside angry red scrapes, the only thing that dared to tarnish his young, bashful smile was the dirt that clung to him like a second skin.  Beneath a mass of unruly brown locks, two ocean blue eyes glowed like the mid-day sky.  

“I thought I’d be fine, but my weapon wasn’t really doing much against them…” He gestured sheepishly at the wooden toy sword sitting on the ground as she heaved a breath through her nose in annoyance.  “I figured, after this whole journey, that I’d be strong enough to do this on my own, but…” Cerulean darkened to midnight navy as his eyes averted to the ground, “I guess he was right…”

“That Riku guy?  Was he the one who did this to you?”

“Riku?!  Have you seen him?  Where did he go?!”  Taken aback by the relief and hope present in his voice, she drew a step back in confused caution.

“He did this to you,” she drawled in disbelief, “and you still want to find him?”

“Well, yeah, of course, I do!  He’s my best friend, I can’t just let him be manipulated by that witch!”

“Witch? What—” Shaking her head and waving her hands before her as if to wipe the proverbial slate clean, she let out another sigh, “never mind, I don’t want to know.  Just…why are you all in my castle?”

The boy gasped.  “This is your castle?!”

“Well, considering no one else lives here…”

“Hey, wait, but if you live in a castle, then maybe that means—”

“Stand back,” Kairi interrupted, turning to the gathering of eyes clumped just over her shoulder, “we have company.”   Pushing him back, she drew her blade again and shot him a lazy grin.  “Let an expert show you the basics!”

After another round of slaying, she quickly swiped the last tendrils of clinging shadows off her blade and swung it back into its clutch.  Turning back to the wayward traveler, she narrowed her eyes into a glare.  “So, you’re looking for this Riku in my castle.  Why did he come here in the first place?”

The Brunet perked up from his place sitting idle on the ground, jumping to his feet with a serious expression.  “Because of Maleficent!  She’s manipulating him into helping her capture the seven Princesses of Heart so she can open Kingdom Hearts!”

Kairi blinked.  “What…the fuck…is a Kingdom Hearts?”

“Honestly, I’m not entirely sure, but Maleficent already has six of the Princesses!  Without their light, my friends said all the worlds will fall to darkness, including this one!”  Kairi really didn’t have the heart to tell someone who looked that innocent that this world had already succumbed to Darkness once.   It wasn’t a memory she much enjoyed reliving, either.  

“Well, that sounds…inconvenient…”

“We have to stop them!  C’mon!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!”  She jerked her arm away before he could even take hold of her wrist.   Glaring, she retorted, “what do you mean we?!”

“Well, this is your castle, right?  The sooner you help me clear out the heartless and get Riku back, the sooner you can have this place back to yourself!”  You know what? She thought with a deep leer, that actually makes plausible sense.  

Releasing a begrudging sigh, she grabbed his arm and dragged the boy behind her as she made her way back toward the staircases leading ever deeper into the castle.  “Might as well get this over with.”

[redemptia]

Where do you see Bellamy and Octavia going from here? Do you still have hope for them?

meta chats with the smol potate

;; hiho my beeb!!! yis i do think there is hope for them. both bellamy & octavia have a lot of learning & growing to do. i think they have to be separated for now because they’re sculpting who they want to be & what beliefs about themselves && others they have. if they were to stay together, i think they’d both revert to their old unhealthy behaviors. it’s just far too ingrained in them to rely on each other. & that will never really go away. octavia cannot exist without her brother. regardless of how she actively acts towards him, she does NOT want him to die. a world without her brother in it does not make sense to her. & we see time && time again that she worries for his safety, even if he doesn’t see her do so.

an important thing to take notice of is that for all intensive purposes, bellamy is octavia’s father. && that learned behavior & power dynamic is shifting the more she grows up & becomes an adult herself. the age of like 15-18 is when adolescence spikes, changing the brain chemistry of the child in general. hormones are flying & to add on top of that the fact that octavia is experiencing life, people, cruelty, etc. for the first time when she’s 16, her reactions to things are going to be even MORE dramatic. 

she never learned that people could be more than one color. it’s a very black & white, childlike way of thinking. because she was never given the opportunity to grow & understand humans as complex dynamic beings. she’s very much this person is all good or this person is all bad kindof like in little kid fairytales. it’s a simplified version of how humanity works to teach kids the stepping stones. but as you get older & have interpersonal communication, an average person develops the understanding that all people are many different colors with many different facets. she’s JUST NOW learning this, though.

&& this translates to her relationship with bellamy. she always saw him as goodness, as this heroic icon that can do anything. because for the majority of her childhood, he was. he could do No Wrong. so when this image of her bellamy is tarnished, the moment that they land on earth, she can’t compute it. 

she doesn’t understand that there are Many Selves. the self around your family, the self around strangers, the self around your friends, & the self when you’re alone. because she’s only really ever had alone & family. & when she’s alone, she’s just waiting for bellamy to come back so she can be the self that she sees as her norm.

now though, they’re finally learning how to be SIBLINGS, with equal standing. where one isn’t in power over the other. people that rely on each other but don’t put their self worth in the opinion of the other. 

but this takes time & mistakes. & it’s going to take octavia to realize that one person is not all good nor is a person all bad. 

&& to solidify those new behaviors, they have to find that within themselves first in their own way. & then come back together. octavia is learning slowly that she cannot put all her blame & hatred on her brother. & that she’s responsible for HERSELF. && bellamy is going through this lesson as well.

bellamy does not give octavia enough credit due to his own anxiety. & octavia reverts back to being needy when he’s around. this is why she ices him out SO VIOLENTLY. because she only understands the world in extremes. either she NEEDS him to live, or she doesn’t want to need him AT ALL.

she needs to learn to find her self-worth within herself. it was difficult on the ark, seeing as when bellamy was gone, she’d get lost in her own mind && go stir crazy. but when he was there, she was happy & excited & full of life because it meant she was able to share her existence with someone. she learned to equate that happiness with him as a person.

at some point, i really do think bellamy is going to give her the credit she needs & see her as the smart, strong, able-minded ADULT that she’s forging herself into. his image of her will change with time. she’s not the small baby that he held in his arms anymore. && he’s not the person that’s going to ‘save her’.

tldr; they’re both traumatized nerds that needs some therapy & hugs. but they gon be aight.

[ecotone99]

[FN] Father and Son

u/reverendrambo: The Chosen One was defeated, but not killed. As punishment, he/she must live among their peers, tormented with the shame of letting them down.

My father was an important man. A powerful man that many looked up to and worshiped. But apparently he felt that he wasn’t being worshiped enough, because he was always jealous of the ruler of the other place. The other man felt the same way, so they made an agreement: the two would battle for the right to rule everything.

Despite what others say, my father and his opponent aren't opposites but are remarkably similar. They’re both cunning, secretive, deceptive, and most importantly, egotistical. Seeing how alike they are, it should be no surprise that they came up with the same idea of using their children to do their dirty work for them.

My followers and my brother’s followers have a tendency to sugarcoat our fathers’ actions. For instance, they call the rape of my mother a “blessing” or her being “chosen,” but make no mistake, it was rape. To this day I still don’t know why my father and my brother’s father chose the same woman. Maybe they wanted only one person to have to suffer (although I doubt this “generous” interpretation), or maybe one of them wanted to play mind games.

Can you imagine what it’s like to have to be enemies with your twin? The memory of seeing him from across the battlefield is still burned into my mind. A man and his dark reflection, except I couldn’t tell which I was. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

After our poor mother gave birth to us, we were both adopted into different families and wouldn’t meet again until that day on the battlefield. I lived a fairly normal childhood filled with cartoons, toys, holidays, and vacations. Like most adopted children, I always wondered where I came from and how my life would’ve been if my parents had kept me. Little did I know that I wouldn’t have a say in the matter, and my father fully intended to claim me as his.

The week before my bar mitzvah, I had a dream about my father. I’ve always grown up hearing about him, but I wasn’t really religious enough to give him any thought. Truthfully, I was scared of him. The stories about his wrath and treacherous ways always terrified me, but this fear vanished after the dream.

In the dream, there was a handsome muscular man leading his army of winged soldiers, and there was something familiar about this man. With a start, I realized he shared a resemblance to me.

This man’s voice echoed as he talked, and I could tell that his soldiers feared him and respected him. This man was the one I had grown up hearing about, but he had no trace of angry or evil in his eyes. He was about to head into battle, but all I could see was a calm leader, ready for anything. I would have given anything to be like him back then.

I left home, and without any assistance, was able to find my father’s home. Not his real one obviously, but close enough. Once I performed a couple of miracles for the followers, they were ecstatic. They cried at my feet and praised my father and me. I was only a child, but adults- the same ones who were supposed to lecture me, punish me, look down on me- were worshiping me. I had found power.

The night of my 13th birthday, I had the dream again, except it kept going. I saw my father’s horrible struggle as he fought in Heaven.The golden blood of angels and demons dripped from their bodies, hitting the ground like raindrops. Flaming swords cut the wings of unsuspecting soldiers, causing them to fall and scream in pain. The smell of smoke was thick in the air.

I saw my father and his opponent fight viciously with their blades, and after their weapons were shattered, with their fists. They were the most powerful men in the world, but I felt none of their authority as they clawed each other with their nails, tumbling on the ground like wrestling adolescents, not war generals. As father and son battled, I felt the fear for the first time. The fear that I would follow my father’s footsteps and be forced to continue this pointless fight for him.

I kept a low profile for the years that followed, and traveled around the world to perform miracles and recruit followers. My brother was doing the same thing, but we never crossed paths. I always made sure to never go where he went, and I’m positive he did the same. My father- in the few times we would communicate- would always warn me to never get close to my brother, that he would whisper lies into my ears and betray me. My father was a liar himself, but I followed his advice and stayed cautious.

I was around 30 when it finally happened. Cases of a virus were being reported around the world, a virus that was managing to kill millions. It got so bad that people were ordered to stay at home, and wear masks if they went outside. I knew this was the opportunity I’ve been waiting for, and that my true task had begun.

I went to hospitals and showed the world the miracles I’ve been keeping hidden for years. I healed the sick, I gave faith to nonbelievers, and I even managed to raise the dead. People were begging to join my cause, and suddenly my small group of followers became an army at my command. The only reason the world didn’t bow at my feet was because of my brother, who once again was doing the same thing.

It was the first time I really hated him. I always knew that we were destined to be enemies, but I’ve never felt this jealousy and rage before then. Instead of turning to me, there were millions that said my brother was the chosen one and I was the false prophet. I wanted to burn them alive, flood them, torture them and their families in excruciating ways. I guess you could say the forbidden fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree.

My brother and I had our war, but we never fought ourselves. That was going to happen later. Our followers were the ones who bled for us. The first time I heard reports of fallen troops, I felt a tremendous sadness for not being able to aid them, not being able to revive their bodies, too torn to pieces in battle. But as the war went on, this sadness melted, and as their body count increased, so did my frustration. They were tools under my disposal, how dare they die uselessly! Instead of mourning them, I felt like spitting on their graves and cursing them for not being better.

Food became harder and harder to come by, and I did my best with my miracles to feed my followers, but even my powers weren’t enough. Many had to resort to cannibalism, eating enemies or even their friends and children if they had to. I punished my followers if they turned against each other, but I turned a blind eye to them eating enemies. I reasoned that not doing so would’ve been a waste.

I never engaged in the eating of human flesh myself, but I could feel every soul cry out as their bodies were bitten into. They couldn’t feel the teeth marks, but their souls still felt tarnished by the abuse of their corpses. The ghosts looked at me, not in anger but more in confusion of how I could let this happen to them. I had no answer.

One day, my soldiers told me that the opposition’s leader wanted to meet with me, face-to-face. The conditions were that we would call off our soldiers, and meet in the middle of the battlefield, far away from each of our camps. We were allowed to bring twelve of our guards, but no more than twelve.

I heard my father’s voice in my head- couldn’t be sure if it was real or imagined- telling me to not trust my brother. That he would use this to betray me. I don’t know if it was arrogance or loneliness, but I accepted to his terms and left for the battlefield.

As I walked out of the camp with my men, I thought about what I would say to him. Would we talk about our lives and how we ended up where we were? About our overbearing fathers, who viewed us as puppets instead of children? Or would we be like them and declare each other enemies and fight for an eternity? Whatever was fated to happen, I was determined to see it through.

When I reached the battlefield and saw him, a flush of memories hit me at once. I remembered my parents who loved and supported me, who I had tossed away immediately once I learned who I really was. Parents who might have been dead at this point. My simple life as a regular child, my friends who viewed me as an equal instead of their king. That world was gone now and replaced with blood and ash. And it was our fault.

I wanted to cry out to my brother and beg him to stop this war. We didn’t need to fight, we didn’t need to be our fathers’ sons. Instead of being mortal enemies, we could be brothers and bring back that world I had almost forgotten. Before I could say any of these things, I heard an explosion behind me.

I turned around with my men and saw my camp burning in flames. I felt the souls of my followers scream as they burned alive, their voices hitting me like a volley of arrows. Distracted by the screeching of my followers, I didn’t even notice the war cries of my guard. Fearlessly they charged at my brother and his men.

I didn’t see them fight, but once I heard their voices join the phantom choir, I knew that they had fallen as well. I made no resistance as I felt my brother’s knife plunge into my back.

After my death, I was greeted by a winged figure grinning cruelly at me. He called me “Prince” sarcastically and shoved me roughly down the stairs. It was so dark and I kept tripping over the steps, but the winged figure didn’t care. Their response was to kick me until I stood on my own and continued to walk down.

Mercifully, we reached the end of the stairs. There was a door, and I could see light spilling out from it. I was glad about leaving the darkness at first, but then my tormentor laughed. They opened the door, and I was blinded by a room filled with fire. Before I could shield my eyes, my tormentor threw me in and locked the door.

My soul is in constant pain from this fire, but this is still more bearable than their voices. My followers scream in their own prisons and ask how I could fail them, how I could betray their faith. As I’m trapped in this room, doomed to forever burn while hearing my followers curse me, my only solace lies in the fact that my father will one day join me when he loses the war. It’s about time father and son had a little chat.

submitted by /u/300_BC [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/3dHbbHR

[somedaypast-thesunset]

Ive been thinking about my dad alot lately but not in the same way. Because of my life circumstances with my mother, by comparison this man was sane. He was stable, consistent, able to communicate complex thoughts and ideas.

But the thing is I've met many men now who are certainly suffering from a mental illness, even just depression, who are capable of exhibiting some of the same behaviors.

And my dad was such a character. Like in some ways it didn't matter how this character came to be because you loved the character itself. My dad was hilarious but he wasn't at the same time. He really influenced my humor in a dark way and kind of normalized it for me to a point that I didn't even know I was coming across like.. Brash in my humor until everyone I've known pointed it out.

And that doesn't make him mentally ill at all. Just his character if you liked it, you loved it and if you didn't you hated it and didn't get it and maybe just humored him for the sake of politeness. And part of the negative quirks of this character or maybe the webbing holding it together was a sort of either personality disorder or variables of mental illness. And it's veryyyyyyy hard for me to see or admit this because to me he was "great" because he wasn't my mom. He was the lesser of two evils and if your choice is poverty from a suitcase or a stable place to live and eat - obviously he's sane enough he maintained this and this is All I ever knew. Period. I thought my life was average. Not the same as "everyone" but the average person maybe experiences a few traumas in their adolescent or childhood or both. Maybe big or small. Maybe both. And my experience is not the worst by any means. I had no sexual trauma. No body trauma. No physical abuse. But these people were just crazy and just sane enough to not be that fucked up. They coped with it enough to protect their child. Mentally ill people can raise children without huge neglects. They're not completely non functioning people. But they didcause harm. Both of them. How did I end up so sick I almost ODd on drugs at 4? My father was not really around most of the time but the honor is that he wasworking to support us but he wasn't as involved as he could've been - it wasn't hard to see what she had done and I know He felt guilt for a very long time because she had nearly killed me and we didn't talk about it. I was just very sick. I somehow had gotten soooooooooooooooooooooo sick doctors didn't "know what was happening" and clearly this traumatized everything for me after that. I remember this hospital stay and I was fucking 4. I remember nothing of like 15 yrs ago but I remember this and being hooked up to an IV for days and days and my mother did not even stay with me the entire time so the nurses were just there and I was getting blood taken and shots given all the time and I remember when they moved me from the one bed to the other the first night and just screaming.

It was on her though. She was responsible for this. She was taking care of it. He had no part until I went home and he was never there with me and her during the day and even in my early teens I was stuck with her and he didn't take my angst about her seriously - well she's your mother. She takes care of you when your sick.

On the weekends when he was around and off work he was drunk and high from Friday night until Sunday afternoon. He worked so he deserved this time you know. He drives 40 hours a week and my mother wants to go places and she doesn't get why he doesn't want to drive anymore he just wants to "have couple drinks" and smoke some weed and listen to music at home and it's OK you know because he's at home with his family and not out at the bar "like back in the day" because he used to be a real fighter in the hotels you know but he's calmed down and he loves his family and I'm his favourite kid (I thought I was his only - I literally replied "I'm your only kid") and hey - I wonder what the poor people are doing. And you know my mother, my mother doesn't clean or do the dishes yet she's home all day on the phone and she didn't pay any bills until she finally got a job but you know she had an attitude and threw the money in his face when he asked her to pay the phone bill and he took her off the joint qccount because you know money was going missing and she never had enough for groceries but you know shealways got a job for Christmas because they always wanted to give me a good Christmas

For 17 years. Over. And over. And over. I sat and listened to this man tell me this speech again and again.and you-know he didn't believe in the doctors his sister Lee is taking 10 pills a day for this and that and she's still chronically sick and you wonder why you know the pills make you sicker than they do any good and the doctors are just in it for money

And he got sick and wrestled with his own moral code - was he really sick. Was diabetes real even. Like he ate this and this and nothing happened right so clearly he knows what's going on much more. Insulin? Fuck insulin.

While my mother contracted and recovered silently from all major ailments and diseases according to her own qccount. She was very sick u know. Very sick. She's got this pain in her right side and today it's in her knee and tomorrow she has bad headaches that lead to a brain tumor and breast cancer and diabetes. She's 47.

I watch her sit and rot in depression for 16 years. Then dieing 3 years later. My mother gave birth to me at 32 which meant she met my father at 22. When she was 48 I didn't comprehend this. All I knew that she was becoming increasingly terrible to be around and really unstable and much of what she said to me in my life has been blocked out because I hated her so much and I was not quiet about it at all. People knew I hated her for good reason. She also wrote letters. Lots and lots of letters that really made me feel like shit and are probably part of the foundation of my lack of self worth. I chose not to really process them but just block it out and move forward but I sometimes regret it because I'd like examples to bring up instead of just saying this person was shit.

I spent way too much money and I'm sad and overwhelmed and anxious. I feel sick and gross. Hungry too. I'm not even excited for him to come home now cuz it feels oddly tarnished. Obligated. I don't know.