#and that even if she never spoke dutch again she would still in essence always be dutch born and raised

[vogelmeister]

decided to reread merel’s monologue in wings of love and i noticed the best unintentional parallel

[vanderlinde-gang]

Miserably Fucked

It Begins To Tell Around Midnight

Presented by: The Other Reasons Why: A Red Dead HC Story

**No one asked for this but, I needed to write this and maybe share it with someone who might want to read it, even if it is just one person....

Note: not a request

Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts, depression

Headcannon: Javier Escuella x OC/reader, a bit angsty

You and Javier has never really spoken to each other since your arrival to the gang. And when there was conversation between y’all, it was usually short lived and would end with Javier becoming annoyed. But this night, that would change when you two really got to understand each other, because, well, it was inevitable 🤷🏾‍♂️

• Its been a long day. Javier wasn’t exactly happy about the botched heist with Dutch once again, but that was the least of his problems.

• It seemed that killing, stealing, cheating and lying had somehow become defective to him. He was desensitized, perhaps too sad to even care anymore. As long as it kept his mind from drifting, he was remoresfully ok with it.

• The night hovered over him with a darkness he couldn’t ignore. Not even the stars could brighten his lonely void nights. He knew that once the sun had set, his misery would increase—ten fold.

• He couldn’t sleep at night. His nights were usually restless, all the thoughts of home and seeing his family again overwhelmed him into a long insomnia. All he ever wanted was change, something to bring the people, his people into a Nuevo Paraiso he so wished existed in those Mexican lands. But instead, it was just a name. A place of Mexico. A painful reminder of how suffering was unfortunately more effective than happiness.

• He sat at the camp fire as usual, thinking to himself. He hated thinking, but it was apart of him that he could not ignore, let alone suppress. He sat there and suffered in silence.

• As he calmly watched the fire dance, no one saw him, no one cared. Sure there was Uncle, Swanson, Arthur and even Lenny sitting around...thinking...drinking. But no one bothered to see the depression that swept them all. Everyone was too invested, too caught up in their own sadness while ignoring the obvious.

• After some time, you suddenly joined in, no one batted an eye. Well, Javier noticed you, but then he looked back at the ground, or the fire, or whatever he was looking at. The brim of his hat made it impossible to study those austerely, angry eyes of his. He was one mysterious man, sometimes you’d swear he had much more depth to him than Charles did. But you knew it was his outlet, it was his way of protecting himself from the cruelty of this man’s man world.

• As you looked over at him, he was clearly in deep thought. You had nothing to say to him. You just wanted to observe him for a little while. Even though you thought he was kind of an asshole, you still liked him. It was his charming yet mysterious nature that captured your interest at first. You could tell that he also had an intelligence about himself, but he often kept it hidden away, never speaking much about anything. And with all that blood on his hands, somehow, there was a man of compassion sitting on that chair across from you. He surely intrigued you.

• However, you could only admire him from a far. A part of you was a bit of afraid of him. You wanted to look passed his mercilous murdering habits, but his charred, emotionless sense of essence made you doubtful. You could tell how much discomfort and remorse he had in it, but the conditioning he reaped would not ungrip his soul. And that was very disturbing to you.

• Besides, you were too far invested into your own misery to give a damn about a man; you barely even gave a damn about yourself. You thought about suicide quite often, and Charles, Javier, not even Jesus himself could make you feel worth anything. A coward by heart, you hoped that one day, one of these days, maybe you’ll get your wish, blessed by that grazing bullet with your name written on it.

• You had no where else to go, so you stayed around. And Dutch? You knew he wasn’t really about shit, but it didn’t matter anyway now that things were changing for the worst. Yeah he saved you, helped you back on your feet, gave you a place to stay, but for what? You never asked for this, no one ever does though...You were torn between living and dying; you’ve lost everything, you don’t know who the hell you really are, you’re stuck with a bunch of raging depressed murderers whom you’re forced to trust so far since you’re still alive and I guess, well? And you feel no purpose worth living for. Everything and everyone around you has became pure and utter shit.

• So what do you do next?

• Neither of you noticed that you’ve been sitting for quite some time. It got late and everyone had called out for the night. It was just you and Javier. He still sat as mysterious as usual. For all you knew, the man could’ve been sleep. But he suddenly cleared his throat.

• You tried to ignore those annoying nerves that were trying to conjure up butterflies in your tummy again, you were still at that stage where you’d get quite nervous whenever you’re around him. You weren’t really in the mood to start having feelings right now. It wasn’t like he was into you anyway, and even if he were, you knew it would never work, you always said you weren’t good enough, even for yourself. Besides, you liked Charles too....

• What a mess you were. You continued looking over at him. He never seemed to do anything special but just sit there. At least you could see where his eyes were now. The light from the fire glared in his face from the position he’d moved to.

• “I just got word, that my mother died...” Javier then spoke to you. You immediately became a bit surprised that he’d said anything to you at all. “It’s very painful for me...”

• You didn’t know what to say, perhaps you were frozen with words, not able to say anything. So you just sat there looking stupid. You didn’t want to be rude, but you just sat there. “Damn...” You then thought to yourself.

• “My sister, I heard she has a son now. My father...I don’t know. I miss my family everyday, but I know I can never go back home....so, I stay here now, because, this, this is my family now. I have no one else after this...”

• Still, you sat quietly, too shy to say anything. So, with this pattern, he continued on with his story, venting on to you about his life in Mexico and how he feels about leaving it all behind. He told you things you’d never known about him. He was quite wise, but very very sad. And angry. You let him go on without any interruptions, and you, without you even realizing it, became super engaged into what all he had to say.

• When he grew quiet, you were even more curious about him than before. You wondered why he’d even vent to you like that, you two barely ever said a word to each other in the few weeks you’ve been around. And to your understanding, he never even notices you, yet he felt comfortable enough to pour his soul out to you.

• It made no sense to you. Maybe he was drunk, but it was too obvious that he was sober tonight, never picking up not even one bottle since he came back from the heist. That was quite unusual to you, but it was nothing to pick at. He was a man of modesty, often keeping to himself when he felt the need to. Venting was a seldom thing for him to do, especially with you.

• Javier looked at you, wondering if you had anything to say. You did, however, he had no idea of how much of a struggle you went through to force those words to come out. However, no matter how long it took, he sat patiently waiting, once again staring away at something with his hat covering his eyes.

• After some time, you grew tired of the fight, you grew restless of this nervousness crap and decided to just give up your hopes and thoughts of embarrassing yourself.

“Why do you really think he’ll think of you any differently anyway Ayana?” You think to yourself. “It’s not like he fancies you anyway? Out of all these beauties out here, you really have the nerve to think that....You ain’t shit.”

• Those thoughts exhausted you. Even though you were already depressed, you somehow managed to make yourself even more depressed. You sighed, desperately trying to hold back tears. The sadness utterly caused you to let go of all your nervousness for a short while.

• “Have you ever felt lost? Before?” You then said, softly speaking with a bit of a crack in your voice. Javier then looked at you, patiently ready to hear what you had to say. “....Like, you don’t know who you are or why you’re here....”

• “I dunno....But I try not to think about it. Why do you ask...merida,” he said, suddenly curious about your thoughts.

“I don’t know. I guess, I just wanted to feel like I’m not the only one who feels that way....”

“Huh...” Javier subtly nodded his head back, a bit taken back from your words. “You know, maybe the reason I’m really here is because I am lost. I know who I am, but, I’m just lost.”

• “I’m sorry but,” You started. “I...I’m not sure what you’re —you mean...(sigh nervously)...when I asked what you’re here for, I was talking about your purpose, not why you joined Dutch. If that’s what you were implying of course...”

• That was such a hurdle for you to get over, the way you stumbled over those words only further regained your nervousness. You always tended to be a bit fidgety and wordy when you got like this, fumbling with your hands and hesitating obsessively. It was quite a disgusting habit of yours.

“...and, to my knowledge, you can’t know who you are...if you’re lost...?”

You didn’t want to sound like a know-it-all brainiac, but you couldn’t help that nature of yourself so full of ideas, knowledge....philosophy. The last thing you wanted to do was to intimidate others, even if you weren’t quite sure of your own thoughts yourself.

• He looked at you for a second more before he realized the sense of your commentary.

“Well, like I said, querida, I try not to think about it,” he then said.

• “Why not?” You asked him like a bashful child.

“Why should I? I’m already living what destiny has set for me. There’s nothing more to think about of that,” he responded.

“How do you know that this was set for you? What if it wasn’t?” You asked him, more anticipated now. “What if you were meant to do something else, but you just didn’t get the chance to do it?”

“You’re only hurting yourself when you drag these things along with no answers querida...”

• After that, you decided to go silent. The conversation was apparently going nowhere and you could sense that he wasn’t very comfortable with your questions which would’ve only gotten deeper if you so should’ve continued. It annoyed you that he wasn’t, or just withheld that type of endurance for a numb minding conversation. You were always a thinker, a person of thought and wonder and you kept to yourself for reasons of suppression. No one wanted to talk beyond casualties.

• You sighed. Javier could see the disappointment in you.

“I know who I am querida, where I’m going...who I’m destined to be,” He then started. “I’ve just learned to accept it....”

For some reason, you sensed that he didn’t really want you to fall silent, but you knew that your talks were full of uncomfortable, mind exploding thoughts that may or may not confuse him, let alone, encourage him to join along with you. However, you reluctantly took the bait anyway.

• “Are you, sure about that?” You hesitated to say.

“Sure about what?”

“That you know who you are?”

He didn’t respond, instead, he fell silent. Perhaps he didn’t know how to answer your question, perhaps, he couldn’t.

“las preguntas, las dudas...Dios mío, querida...” He said to himself in his native tongue. Although you didn’t quite understand what he’d said, you never did, you could tell by his tone that he was a bit frustrated. Or maybe annoyed.

• “Do you know who you are chica?” He said to you. “Because it sounds like to me, that you’re trying to get inside my head again.”

You looked at him a bit confused.

“What? I’m not trying to get inside your head? I was only asking you a legit question...why do you always think that I’m trying to cause mayhem with you? We barely even talk so why would I waste my time doing something of that nature? Seems to me you have misplaced feelings for Dutch,” you said, feeling quite annoyed yourself.

• This was one of the many reasons why you found him to be such an asshole. Just when he opens up to you, out of all people by the way, he retreats right back into his shell and scolds at you for noticing his true self, even though he was the one exposing it. Although you didn’t realize how sensitive he really was, (until now), your intentions were always pure as you really did care for him. You had a big heart, you cared for everyone.

• Besides, it wasn’t you. It was him. Unbeknownst to you, you were poking at his soft spots and he never could take light of it. It was hard for you to talk to him because he often confused you a lot with opening up to you only to close back up again. With all this and knowing that you could easily read him like a book, setting himself up for the exposure of his life with you, he still took his chances.

• “Um. I guess, good night...” You then said a bit moody. He was such a buzz kill. Javier, on the other hand, thought otherwise of you. Your gentle, caring and beautiful soul made him feel some kind of comfort. He really did enjoy your company, and although you would’ve never guessed it, it wasn’t always easy for him to express certain things.

“You’re going to bed already? The night’s just getting started chica...” he said warmfully, his attempt to keep you around. He could feel that he had made you a little upset.

• However, you weren’t really sure if he was being sarcastic or sincere. Instead of going to bed, you decided to just stay put anyway. Javier looked at you as if he was waiting for you to do something, but he wasn’t. He was just simply admiring you. You started to feel a little uncomfortable, not used to having the admired admire you back. That was strictly reserved only in your fantasies.

“What?” You finally said annoyed at him watching you for long periods of time.

• “Nothing, nothing...” he said, amused at your annoyance. He secretly thought it was cute the way he could annoy you sometimes. “I can tell that you have a lot on your mind.”

“Well, I do,” you told him honestly.

• You tried so hard to avoid eye contact with him, let alone, look at him for any longer than a second. But the urge was strong. His eyes continued to tug on yours, making you uncontrollably curious. And that’s when you looked at him. You both sat there and just looked at each other for a minute, it was awkward, it felt like it lasted for hours and it was cheesy the least to say. But there you two were, finally succumbing to the obvious admiration you both had for each other.

• The awkwardness was too much though. You had to look away quickly, and you did. You fumbled with your fingers as you thought to yourself, trying to keep yourself at bay from all the nervousness you felt.

• When will this night ever end?

• “Can I ask you something, Ayana?” Javier then said. You didn’t respond, you couldn’t even look up from your fingers in your lap.

“Why did you decide to stay with us? I mean, after all the shit that’s been going on lately, since you’ve been here, you could’ve left huh? But, you still ride with us. Why so?”

You looked up at him shooting bouts of discontent at his question with your eyes, but nevertheless, you became at ease once you’ve realized your answer.

• “I suppose for the same reason as you. I have no where else to go, nobody else gives a fuck, I’m...all alone. So I stay here, anticipating to die with the rest of you...”

Javier could hear the sadness and hopelessness in your voice. Somehow he felt...obligated to do something about that.

“You know, it’s not that we anticipate for our deaths, but, we just prepare for it. It’s nothing we should think about so much though, merida, death? Its inevitable.”

• You looked at him with a spark in your eye, grateful for his advice and understanding, but still shy from his presence. You then looked up above you, gazing at the dangling stars, thinking of what a mess you’ve become. All you ever wanted was to dream anyway.

• “The night can be quite intense sometimes...” Javier said, noticing your stares above you. You looked so graceful admiring the deep mysterious skies. “But the night sky? It’s always beautiful.”

“It’s always good to have something to look up to, you know?” you mentioned.

“Si, mi querida, I suppose so...”

• For the rest of the night, you two told stories of your depression, shared philosophies that inspired you and talked about things that society had casted off as bizarre and too inept for normality. Not even realizing that you’ve finally overcame your shyness for him, you spoke to him as if you’ve known him all your life. It was like two old friends rekindling what you’ve once had before.

• Both of you would end up falling asleep against a rock that sat at the outskirts of the camp. You and Javier had decided to sit and continue the conversation elsewhere once the campfire burned out. You both wanted to admire the beautiful, opened overview of Horshoe Overlook together.

• The next morning, Arthur stumbled upon you two, sleeping uncomfortably but peacefully on the rock. He stood over both your limpless bodies, over shadowing you with shade. You suddenly realized that the morning sun light had disappeared, but you didn’t completely wake up yet.

• “Hey! Get the hell up....” He grumbled.

[sumergosuigeneris]

March 4, 2017

Yesterday, I mixed into a couple of fb conversations. I really don’t think I should have.

1. was a post I made referring to When We Rise. It was after the episode that covered the very beginning of the AIDS epidemic, when they really didn’t know what was going on except that gay guys were dying left and right. There was a scene that had a science guy showing data and saying they suspected it was hitting only or primarily gay guys. I was so scared for them. I commented about how scary it must have been at that point to have no information. Someone who was an adult back then (I think) said it was scary and they were afraid to even shake hands. She’s a straight, white female. I felt like that was part of the problem - so I specified I was referring to gay men. She responded she was referring to those who got AIDS from blood transmissions. We had both been watching the same show so...I decided not to take it further.

The second convo was an acquaintance of mine posting about how she was sick of people complaining about gentrification. Now I should preface this by saying I was NOT the first or only to respond. And the responses were kind of down racial lines. But her post and her responses to others really upset me. So I posted about how to her with privilege it was complaining. To others without privilege it’s expressing concern, etc.... But I think the sentence that got me into the most trouble with her group was that I said that her statement reminded me of people who say they’re tired of people whining about racism, sexism, etc... 

Anyway, she played the victim, but her statements still supported my opinion in my head, coming from experience with development issues being patriarchal and colonial. I decided not to say anything else. Well this afternoon I see a post from a mutual (her friend, my acquaintance). He went off on me for ‘bashing’ her. And asking if I was still ‘salty’ about a ‘misunderstanding’ that was over a year ago. I debated how to respond but finally said I’ve responded on fb before and was simply responding to her post. But here’s what I want to say:

His response is EXACTLY the kind of privilege I’m talking about! This chick skated through life like Mr. Magoo or Penelope Pitstop, basically an oblivious damsel in distress. Everyone else takes care of her but she doesn’t realize. Or didn’t as of the last we spoke. For example, she didn’t get her license until she was in her 20s. I thought it was b/c she couldn’t afford it or something. I found out that it was because she felt she didn’t need it b/c she always had rides. But she always had rides b/c people like me felt like she was disadvantaged. We used to have a mutual friend who’s older and makes way more money than either of us. I always tried to go dutch when hanging out with that person. SHE said once that person would probably be mad at her if she ever tried to pay for anything!  I could go on, but I won’t. The point is, he felt like he had to step in and defend her and act like I was attacking her b/c her feelings were hurt b/c someone disagreed with her and wasn’t gentle about it.

Second, this fucking ‘misunderstanding.’ Two Christmases ago, she told me she thought I am obnoxious. She never tried to clear up said misunderstanding. At one point, a mutual tried to step in and get me to do all the work of clearing it up. This mutual actually said SHE is the kind of person who expects people to do everything for her, and that’s what you have to accept to be friends with her. At the time I decided no. Now in January, right before the inauguration she contacted me. I didn’t have her # anymore so I didn’t know who it was. She got all hurt and assumed I didn’t want to talk to her b/c of the misunderstanding if I had deleted her #. I explained that I had broken my phone and lost all my #s, not deleted her. But I refused to do the work for her. And she never apologized or tried to get together or anything so I let it go.  But I don’t see how not bending over to kiss her ass is ‘still being salty.’ You can feel about me how you want. I can choose not to hang out with people who I feel like shit around.

Third, was I being a little harsh? Yes, as I posted it I debated. And after I posted it, I debated. But the chick wants to be a teacher. If SHE ends up in an inner city or low income school district, they don’t need one more person who thinks like that. And I’ve dealt with a lot of people, her included, who can’t take a hint; they need explicit words. 

Anyway, I’ve been starting to feel better. Not sure if it’s the meds they’ve got me on or the weather, but I’m grateful. But I got home last night and one of my roommates had cleaned and then burnt a candle all over the downstairs. To be clear, it smelled lovely. But it made me start coughing and wheezing. I sent a strongly worded text saying, in essence, don’t do it again because I can’t breathe. Never got one word back. But this morning, the boyfriend of the girl I suspect it was left a comment on our board about how there’s poop from my cat upstairs from January. First, that’s 1-2 months ago. Why the fuck wouldn’t you say something? Second, I find it suspicious that it’s my cat’s. How would you even know? If you did know, why did you leave it without saying something up to two months? Third, why would you write it on the board and not tell me WHERE? Fourth, I know he’s mixing in to defend his girlfriend and on the one hand I find it annoying (he’s done it before) but on the other, I kind of think it’s cute.

Where i’m at now, is I feel very alone right now. and like everyone hates me. And it may not be unjustified. But I can’t talk about it with the few friends I have b/c I only have a few friends and that would be complaining.

Oh wait. I forgot to mention one other thing that is CLEARLY me being a bitch. I have a person who has been my friend but she hurt my feelings by dismissing my depression. It mattered more b/c she’s a psych nurse. Instead of being a grown up, I sulked. She texted me about a game night at her apartment tonight. I don’t want to go. Now, I literally just expressed that I feel lonely and have very few friends. So why the fuck am I acting like an immature little fuck?!?! 

Saying it aloud, so to speak, makes me feel better about the whole thing, and that I should go. I should go. I’ll be happier if I go. I don’t have to stay. But I’ll be miserable if I don’t go.