#and thats really all i had to do but since the hem is being ugly i have to fix that

[hanii-rose]

hiii...ok so your headcanons are amazing and ily. could i request headcanons on garou with a s/o with thick thighs. i'm super insecure of my thighs because i don't have a thigh gap and it's super embarrassing

My headcanons are amazing? You love me? I-

Here you go baby( ˘ ³˘)♥

Also, no need to be embarrassed. I also don't have thigh gaps which really helps when I feel like crushing the heads of my enemies between my thighs...

We strong ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

And so is the sexual tension in dis fic lol

____________________________________

Garou With An S/O Who Has Thick Thighs

If you think having thick thighs in this relationship is a drawback then you are absolutely correct.

When I say it's a drawback, I don't mean it's ugly or unwanted, no no no.

I mean Garou will drive you mad for a chance to put his head on your lap, all day, everyday!

And when I say he wants to put his head on your lap, I mean he wants to bury his face in the soft, supple flesh of your thighs.

Just let him live there, c'mon!

You can bet your non-existant thigh gaps that he's kissing and biting you there, very harshly might I add.

He's always telling you, "Gah, it's so soft!" or "Fuck, I want this here!"

If you're just sitting on the couch and he's stealing meat from your fridge, he'll notice what you're wearing and if it's even slightly exposed above the knee, he's there. Like, HE. IS. THERE.

Meat long forgotten, your thighs are his new meal lol.

Let's say you're just coming out of the shower, towel wrapped securely around your gorgeous frame. He's pouncing on you, specifically getting handsy with your thighs and calves.

He likes natural looks so cellulite doesn't bother him. In fact, he's poking and caressing them fairly often.

If you're talking bad about yourself then he's slamming that shit down and showing you how much he loves you. Like really showing you...

If you wear something like thigh-highs, gurl- He'll be taking them off with his teeth, thank you.

★★★

You sit curled up on your window seat, the soft light of the sun shimmering in through the transparent glass of your window. Your hair fell daintily around your shoulders, arms resting on folded knees, novel in hand, dressed in nothing but a loose shirt and a pair of sheer white, lace-wrapped thigh high socks. Oh, the serenity that's surrounding you right now, indescribable.

Your boyfriend concentrated on doing push-ups outside in your backyard. You could see him from the corner of your eye behind you, pushing himself up and down, an extraordinary array of large rocks or maybe...boulders on his back....?

You tore your eyes away from the worn, coffee stained pages of your vintage fantasy novel, intrigued in the way he worked on himself. Taut muscles contracting and loosening, glistening beads of sweat slowly gliding down his bare, shaped biceps. Hair tussled and messier than usual, a few rebel strands falling onto his forehead from his otherwise proud-spiky style. His face, dark, focused and handsome... oh my

Whenever Garou worked out, he really worked out.

Nothing could distract him from his daily routine of exercising, flexing and unintentional teasing. He was hell bent on being fit and able. He used to be the infamous Hero Hunter ya'know! He has to be sharp and ready at all times.

Can't be caught off guard like that one time while delivering boxes. That dude had no chill, throwing darts at him like that...

You bit your lip in admiration of his movements, your thighs coming together, unable to contain your excitement for a touch from him. He noticed you shyly peeking from the other side of your bay window and he silently beckoned you over, tilting his head to gesture for you to come around.

You gave a little nod to his beckoning, placing your book neatly on the tall bookshelf next to you and dusting yourself off, readying yourself to see him.

When Garou had come to visit you this morning you had been wearing one of his trousers, knowing him, if he saw even a tiny section of your thighs, the man would go absolutely feral. But since he had went outside for a 3 hour work out earlier, you decided pants were too overrated for you and you easily discarded them, got comfortable and started reading.

Garou was very serious about his workouts. He would never stop, not for anything...

Except maybe you. And thats when you had a stroke of genius. He was teasing you all this time, flexing and sweating. Time for a little payback.

>>

You peeked around the doorframe that led to your backyard where Garou stayed, exercising.

"Well, aren't you working hard?"

You slyly spoke, smile coy.

Garou grunted in response and you sighed, slowly walking around to him, hips deliciously swaying, shirt hiked up above your thighs and socks visibly tight around your ample flesh.

You stood bold in front of his head as he pushed himself up. His eyes widening at your apparel. What are you doing?

You licked your lips teasingly, and lowered yourself down onto the grass, knees folded, sitting upright.

Garou stopped momentarily, craning his neck for a kiss and you gladly obliged, leaning in and leaving a chaste kiss on his lips.

"Finally took...my advice, huh...?"

He said in between breaths.

"Who... needs pants...right? Heh..."

He lowered down slowly and you copied, your head resting on your arms on the ground, fingers playing with the little blades of grass, butt in the air

"Mmm, it just feels so good outside."

He grunted, agreeing.

Your eyes trailed up to his face and you cast him an innocent smile.

You slowly raised yourself up in front of him, pushing up your hair and sitting straight, knees folded in a 'W' position.

"What...are you...tryna' do?'

He breathed out.

"Hm? Nothing, I just wanted to come outside and spend time with you..."

You responded in the sweetest tone.

Oh please. He knows what game you're playin'.

Comin' out in nothin' but a shirt and socks? Sweetie, ya' can't take him for a fool...

He ain't stoppin' for you.

"Funny... you've never been... into fitness that...much..."

He slowly spoke.

"Oh, well I just wanted to be closer to you. Is that such a crime?"

He snorted. You wanted to be closer to him? Why not just lay down under him and wrap your gorgeous legs around him then? Let him feel the plumpness.

"Don't you want to be with me too? Why don't you stop what you're doing and come here."

Your innocent voice matched with your sultry expression did a number on him. He bit his lip, trying to resist the temptation.

You outstretched your arms, fingers opening and closing, waiting for a hug.

"Nice try, I ain't stoppin' love."

You chuckled and got into position.

"Not even for this?"

You unfolded your knees, sitting so close in front of his face, that every time he'd go down for a push, his cheek or chin would brush against your thigh.

Tantalising,tempting...

You leaned back on your elbows, your hair now spilling onto the grassy mat under you.

Garou licked his lips, golden eyes flicking up to look into your innocently coy ones.

He lowered himself down once, his chin lightly coming into contact with the lace of your frilly socks.

Raising himself up, he looked at you with irritation, behind that expression lingered want.

Going back down again, your knee bent slightly inwards and gently touched his cheek. He took a whiff.

C I T R U S

Delicious.

Coming back up, he balanced his whole body weight on one arm, an impressive feat with all of those massive rocks on his back.

"𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕀 𝕔𝕒𝕟'𝕥 𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕖 𝕞𝕪𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕗 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕟 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕙𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦𝕣 𝕤𝕠𝕗𝕥 𝕝𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖 𝕝𝕖𝕘𝕤 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕞𝕖."

You slyly laughed, his statement so shamelessly flattering.

"Yes, I do know that, Garou..."

His movements stopped momentarily as his free hand softly caressed the exposed part of your thigh, between the hem of your shirt and the frills of your socks.

"𝕊𝕠 𝕤𝕠𝕗𝕥..."

"Hmm, do you like it like this?"

He chuckled, raspy and short of breath.

"𝕀 𝕒𝕕𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕚𝕥."

He was struggling, it was obvious. He wasn't trying to hide it anyway. He couldn't if he wanted to.

Dammit, yer' too good!

And in 3 2 1...

The rocks start slipping off of his back, landing on the ground with hard, muffled thuds. Oh, you've really done it now...

Garou sits up, stretching. He grips both of your calves hard and pulls, bringing you onto his thighs, holding you in place.

No squirmin', just sit still...

"Do you have any idea what you've done...?"

You wrap your arms around his neck, holding his face close to yours.

"What if I do?"

His lips came mere centimetres from yours and he whispered roguishly.

"You've made me drop my rocks..."

Silence overtook you until you burst out laughing. What does that even mean?!?!

"Wha... Garou haha, what are you even saying?"

He growled menacingly. How dare you? First you tease him into being distracted and now you make fun of him?

Ohhh, yer' in for a good one...

"Listen here sweetie, we're gonna head on inside, and I'm goin' to finish you, do ya' hear me?"

You nodded, obligingly.

"Yes, sweetie ♡"

He stood up tall, carrying you by the strong grip he had on your plump thighs.

"So beautiful. I'm gonna bite em'..."

You giggled softly, and held onto him tightly.

You knew what was coming next, craving it. And you'll give it to him too.

Ah, there we go...

Garou's setting you down onto your window seat again and looking softly into your eyes.

"Are ya' ready? We're gonna go for a long time today."

You shyly nodded, confirming.

He sat himself down on the ground near your legs, getting into the correct position. His head coming down to rest upon your thighs, your frilly socks tickling his face, breathing calm.

And then, he's baring his teeth, biting and sucking on your ample skin. He's pulling your thigh-highs down inch by inch, kissing.

"Oh, Garou!"

He's smirking victoriously.

"Let's begin, shall we?"

It's safe to assume he got a different kind of workout that day. The one where he's goin' up and down on you nonstop, if you know what I mean (ಠ ͜ʖ ಠ)

[kolsmikaelson]

fwb part two- sidney crosby

word count- 1.1k+ | warnings- reader asks sid to fuck them. no actual smut. sort of implied fem reader(one sentence) talk of hateful comments. other than that i think thats it.| a/n - wrote this pretty quickly so hope you all enjoy. also rushed their ‘relationship’ a little but its for a reason:). gif creds to owner. join my taglist | kind of proofread.| part one feedback is appreciated:)

You arrive at the address Sidney sent you earlier that morning, but you sit there anxiously not knowing how this was gonna go. You know that the nasty comments from his fans would not be stopping until he said something, which makes you question being friends with benefits with Sidney at all. You know he would understand your reasoning, but you needed to speak to him before cutting it off. You’re brought out of your thoughts when you hear a knock on your window. You look up at sidney and sheepishly roll down the window. ‘’Hi Sidney. I’m sorry, didn't realize I had gotten distracted.’’ you sputter out sidney shakes his head with a soft chuckle, “ It’s alright. Come on in, we should probably have that talk now.’’ Your heart skips a beat, realizing you had forgotten your original reason of coming to sidneys home. You turn your car off and slowly get out and follow Sidney. 

once your inside he leads you towards his couch and gestures for you to sit. “make yourself at home y/n. want something to drink? water? coffee? ‘’ he starts rambling trying to make you comfortable. you shake your head with a small laugh, ‘’ i’m okay sid, calm down.” you place a soft hand on his knee. his shaking leg stills at the feeling of your hand on his bare leg, just at the hem of his shorts. “ what was it that you wanted to talk about y/n?” he asks quietly. “ this morning jaz woke me up and showed me this,” you say pulling up the article to show him, knowing he doesn’t get on his phone much he most likely hasn’t seen it yet. his eyes widen upon seeing the photo of you both above the headline. “ i’ve also been getting some pretty ugly messages on social media since this came out.” you murmur before he can respond.

 sidneys face morphs into one of confusion, “what the hell? why?” he asks angrily. you shake your head at him. “ you have some...possesive fans. they definitely do not like me.” you say in a quick breath. “can i see some of the messages?” he murmured softly.you nod softly pulling up your twitter and handing him your phone. you sit in silence watching him scroll through the many messages you had received over the past few hours. you could see his face morphing from anger to disgust. “these are- tell me you don’t believe what they’re saying. right? he cuts himself off not believing what his supposed fans were saying to you despite not knowing who you were.

“haven’t read many of them, kinda hard not to though. most of them are saying the same thing.” you shrug it off almost regretting bringing it up to him. “i really only brought it up because if we’re gonna continue this friends with benefits thing we have to be more careful. i don’t wanna stop this before it even begins, but i’m not sure if i can deal with messages like these daily.” you rush out. “i know, im sorry about them y/n. is there anything i can do to make you feel better?” sidney questions. your face lights up with an idea,”will you fuck me sidney?” he shakes his head with a laugh, “c’mon,” he mutters standing you up. he rests his hand on your cheek and leans down to bring you into a deep kiss. quickly kissing down your neck leaving love bites in his path. “bedroom or couch?” he mutters pulling away breathlessly. “both.” you say with a smirk.

————

you wake up a few hours later, sidneys heavy arm laying across your waist holding you close to him, and a good pain between your legs. you turn closer to sidney and press multiple kisses to his chest hoping not to wake him. you begin to think about how you feel about him. when you started this agreement you both said no strings attached. he was busy with his career and you with the new job you’d gotten with your degree. “i can’t fall for him. he’s way too busy for me.” you think to yourself. but little did you know that sidney had woken up and begun to think about his budding feelings for you. looking up at sidney again you see his eyes open and already looking down at you. neither of you saying anything, just admiring each other.

“sidney,” you begin catching his attention. “ i know its early and i know we said no strings attached, but i think i may be developing feeling for you. You dont have to return them and i can leave now and you never have to see me again if you want but i think it was necessary for you to know before we kept going with this. Just say the word and i’m-” he cuts you off with a kiss. “y/n..it’s okay. i don't completely know how i feel about you but there is definitely something there, can we just go slow please?” he trails off getting quiet, a small but noticeable blush rising to his cheeks. you had heard about how his last relationship ended,the girl whos name you dont remember, though you’re glad you don’t, had cheated then publicly said she didn’t care and had been using him.

“of course sid, we can go as slow as you want,”you mutter realizing you’d been lost in thought, while peppering his chest with soft kisses, assuring him you didn’t mind taking things slowly. “thank you y/n. my last girlfriend she..” you stop him saving from having to go into detail, knowing how much it must hurt talking about it. “ i know sid i saw, it’s okay” you say while pulling him closer to you. “huh how do you know? i didn’t tell you did i?” he rushed.”no, i uh may have been looking you up and saw it then.” you say embarrassed. a grin breaks out on sidneys face,” you were looking me up huh?” he teases, the conversation of his past relationship long forgotten. you playfully hit his chest with a quiet “shut up” before hiding your face in his chest trying to hide your embarrassment.

“was looking for your social media, hadn't realized you didn't have any.” you murmur into his chest, tracing patterns into his skin with your fingers. Sidney pulls you close to him while chuckling at your confession, “maybe i’ll make one for you one day.” you smile at his comment closing your heavy eyes. “Mhm yeah, maybe..” you trail off falling into sleep. Upon hearing your soft snores sidney kisses your forehead before closing his own eyes.

taglist- @samsteel @joshsandersons @stars-canucks @2manytabsopen @only-goalies-allowed @passthehockeyplease @sidscrosbyy

[chatalyst]

Tw// rant

hi this might be triggering idk I have no idea how to post about it but.

I’ve been working for my dad’s office for 4 summers now. I was 17 years old when I began. This will be my fifth summer. And the amount of times I’ve felt uncomfortable or violated by grown ass men who toed the line of what was acceptable and what was not needs to be addressed. It is completely unacceptable the amount of times I’ve felt uncomfortable or unsafe with certain men in that office. And that is with my father as the Vice President of the company and as the person who runs their office in my state.

There are many other instances of stuff like this happening, but something has bothered me for almost a year now and I didn’t know how to go about talking about it. This is the one social media platform where I feel like people on the whole understand what I’m talking about and won’t try to play devils advocate.

Last summer, my dad was going to lunch with a client. I run office admin and do marketing on the side when they need me, which means my desk is at the very front of the office. If someone comes in for a meeting, I offer them water and see if they need anything while they wait.

So this man who was very old and very tall comes in but before I can say anything my dad comes up and starts talking to him. While they’re talking, I get back to work until my dad says “have you met my daughter? This is Anita. She comes and works with us during the summers and does part time during the school year.”

And I stand up to shake his hand, because that’s what I always do, and when I do he looks me up and down and his eyes widen. While my dad starts telling him about how I’m going to school for psychology and how he’s really proud of me, this man does not take his eyes off of me. My stomach turns over the fact that he is blatantly checking me out in front of my own fucking father but I keep quiet.

He then, trying to be funny, looks at my dad, then at me, then at my dad again.

Then he says “she’s YOUR daughter?”

My dad laughs, and goes “she obviously gets her looks from her mom, as you can tell!” Making a joke and so I start laughing and I go

“I get my looks from both of them don’t put yourself down!”

Its a joke that he’s said numerous times when people meet me and my sister and my brother. He always says “they take after my wife” because he loves my mom and always talks about how she’s the most beautiful woman in the world, and how lucky he is to have kids like her. Also, he cracks jokes at the expense of himself to make others comfortable around him. I always thought it was funny but I’m very much a “we’re not putting ourselves down in [whatever year it is]” type person.

But then, after me and my dad are done laughing, the old tall guy won’t stop staring at me and he, in the silence, goes “wow.” All breathless. Then he looks at my dad and goes “wow. Just. Wow.”

I remember tugging the hem of my dress because, while it was business formal as usual, it was a tight fitting dress and I immediately regretted wearing it. He wouldn’t stop looking me up and down and going “wow” over and over.

He must’ve said it like 6 times (which I thanked him for the compliment once before just smiling awkwardly the other 6 times he did it) before my dad saw that I was uncomfortable and told him to wait in the conference room and he’d be right in.

I think the worst of it is over, so I go to sit back down when he goes “it was VERY good to meet you, Anita.”

And walked away.

I need to put this somewhere because it’s been bothering me for a year and I need people to understand that feeling violated isn’t always in words they use. Not once did he remark on my clothes (an HR violation) and not once did he sat outright what he was obviously trying to convey (an HR violation).

But he did make me feel uncomfortable by the way he looked me up and down when I stood up. He wouldn’t stop staring at me while I was talking to my father or when my father was talking to him. He was blatantly ignoring me and my dad to express how “attractive” I was to him.

And before anyone thinks this is for attention or something: I do not believe I am a supermodel or so beautiful that people can’t help but stop and stare. I am confident in myself, I do not think I am ugly, but this man was doing something that made me feel so small and disgusting.

There is another man in the office who routinely does his job badly, and instead of asking me for help he says he’s got it. Even though, before he arrived, I was the person doing his job. Even though I am the one always cleaning up his messes. Even though I am the one with the information on how to help him. He looks down on me because I am a woman who is younger than him who can do his job better and for that, he never asks me for help. Which is fine; he looks dumb as hell to my dad so it’s not my issue.

But for some reason, when we do talk about something, he can’t keep his eyes on my face. His eyes always dip during conversations even when the dress or shirt I’m wearing is up to my neck. He is known for walking super fast everywhere, but whenever we walk together he walks just enough behind me that I finally turned around and started walking backwards. EVERY TIME his eyes dart up from where he was just staring at my ass.

And it’s SO FRUSTRATING because how do I report that?? What do I say to that??? I already had one man (who no longer works for the company for unrelated reasons) tell me “I like the dress you’re wearing today it looks good on you. You look good. But I can’t say that because it’s an HR violation for some reason.” And when I said “yes it most certainly is.” He got defensive and said “it was just a compliment, I swear.”

They are able to toe this line and i am sick of double-guessing everything I wear or do for their comfort. I’m the only 21 year old in the office. The other youngest is 29 years old and then the ages go up from there. The only other two women in the office are 45 and 63. I am the youngest person there, I am the youngest woman there, and these grown ass men with wives who are many years older than me and daughters my age treat me like a piece of meat. And men in the office have made me uncomfortable since my being hired there as a 17 year old. I have done so much work over the past 4 years and cleaned up their shit for them to completely disrespect me and ignore the fact that I am intelligent and capable of cleaning up THEIR mistakes in 30 minutes or less because... I’m wearing a tight dress with flowers on it. And my FATHER is their fucking BOSS THATS THE REAL KICKER!!!!!!!!!! oh my fucking god

Okay rant done

[cryoculus]

Heaven in Hiding

Pairing: Tendou Satori/Reader Setting: Sixteenth-century Japan Word Count: 3,725  Cross-posted from AO3

A strong wind howled in your ears as the tempest foreseen by the village oracle ripped through the valley. Eyes squinted, you gazed up at the starless sky. The moon gods dared not show themselves tonight, it seemed.

The protective seals hung from the torii of the shrine chimed with the charms that tied them down. Some of the wooden floorboards creaked from the intensity of the gales. The embers that licked at the torches mounted on the pillars flickered at the threat of extinguishment. So far, this was the worst one yet. Goosebumps crept up your skin, the chill easily seeping through the thick layers of your yukata. Each blow could almost cut through the skin of your cheeks. Your fingers tightened around the bronze scepter passed down into your family for generations. The metal was cold, and the ravenous breeze did not permit you to have any semblance of warmth. You’ve had your fair share of unforgiving winter nights, but this was...different.

You remembered, as clear as day, all the indications of his coming. Your grandmother had made sure to drill you into committing every detail to memory, since you had to inherit the responsibility of guarding the Fujiwara Shrine earlier than anticipated. The first sign of his return would be the untamed wind thats would definitely catch even the eyes of the gods. This time, he sure was attempting to draw all the attention to himself.

With your other hand, you constricted your grip around the necklace that has kept the demon at bay for centuries. It was much larger than the regular charm or pendant that women would wear for the trend. It was as big as your palm. After all, it held what the demon wanted most.

His heart. 

The glass that encased the demon’s heart pulsed faintly, as if it were still attached to his body. And that would be the second sign.

Fujiwara shrinekeepers were bounded by obligation to never let the heart out of their sight, and should be worn by the Head Guardian at all times, even it posed a threat to their lives.

The third sign?

“They’ve given me quite a pretty one this time around, eh?”

There was no third sign. You forced yourself not to flinch at his sudden manifestation behind you. Though he loved brewing the wildest of storms before his arrival, Satori did like to get things over with as quickly as possible. Slowly, you turned around to face him.

He was donned with the most ethereal haori you’ve ever laid your eyes on. It was as white as the purest snow, with violet accents lining the hems. You wished to assume that the red splotches on the textile were merely designs of whoever tailored the clothes of demons who were banished on a hundred-year basis. But you knew far too well that bloodstains were forever on demons.

Although, his attire was not the most compelling to look at.

Of course, your grandmother had painted you a vague image of Satori the Tengu as she recounted grandfather’s tale. He was not like the regular yokai who terrorized humans for the fun of it. He did not even look the part. No, it was long believed that Satori might have been the offspring of Benzaiten, herself, if the goddess somehow let herself be besmirched by the filthy hands of a tengu. His hair came in long tufts of the most vibrant crimson, with piercing eyes to match. And though the common tengu had long, ugly noses, that certainly was not evident on Satori’s face. However, even if he was beautiful, there were reasons why your ancestors felt the need to suppress him for centuries at a time.

You’ve heard about what his appearance would be dozens upon dozens of instances, as your grandmother prepared you for your impending duty. But one thing she couldn’t accurately describe in detail was what his wings looked like.

A contempt smile rested on his lips, as you marveled at his unfolded wings. Each feather seemed like it had been dipped in the ichor of an angel—ivory with a golden shimmer that shone even in the dead of night. Your lips parted with a gasp, one hand reaching out for a touch, a caress, a grasp—anything! But just as your fingers were about to make contact with his wings, the chain of the necklace containing his heart sizzled on your skin. The glass was pulsing even stronger this time, threatening to break its prison.

You hissed, but endured the pain, nonetheless. Snapping out of your sudden trance, you steeled yourself.

“In the name of the seven heavenly gods,” you chanted an unfamiliar language, pointing the tip of the scepter in his face, “I banish your existence from this material plane, Satori the Tengu!”

He only looked at you.

“Say, have your elders gotten lax with passing down the incantations to their young-ins?” Satori chuckled. “If you wish to seal me for the next hundred years, you need a stronger spell, girl.”

Your body froze up at his nonchalance. How was he unaffected? You’ve read the Shinto scrolls through and through, and that’s the only thing mentioned about the sealing spell. Grandmother told you as much, too. So why...?

Upon seeing your dismantled confidence, he hollered once more. “Ah, you didn’t hear about my last banishment from the person who performed it firsthand, didn’t you?”

Your eyes fell to the floor.

He placed a taloned hand on your shoulder, and his touch seemed to freeze the part he came in contact with. But unlike the breeze, his touch was perpetually freezing. Humans often do that as a gesture of comfort, but you had no idea what to make of it if a yokai did it to you.

“I commend your efforts, girl,” he praised. “But I am not quite interested in being banished again. I have been going to and from the Netherrealm for, what, millennia already." He exhaled a dramatic sigh. "Surely, I deserve some rest from this nonsense?"

Your brows furrowed in suspicion. "By rest, you mean a chance to destroy the valley once again?"

Satori's lips spread into a crazed grin. "Oh? Is that what the elders taught you? That the white demon that they have been banishing over and over and over again was that much of a brute?" His blood red eyes glowed with such intensity, that you had to instinctively back away, but with each step you took away from him, he only returned with a step closer to you. This continued until he managed to force your back against one of the pillars in the shrine. His face was a hair's breadth from yours, and you can feel his ice-cold breath against your skin. He was much, much taller than you were. Your feet were rooted to the spot, dread replacing the bravery you had put on earlier. You desperately wanted to scream for help, but it's been conveyed to you that the banishment is something that the Head Guardian should be able to execute alone. No one else was vacating the shrine.

You were at the mercy of the demon in front of you.

"If I explained myself, would things change, perhaps?" Poison dripped from his words. "Of course they wouldn't. Humans only listen to what favors them, even if there are infinite possibilities presented, after all."

You racked your brain with any tales from the Shinto scrolls regarding Satori losing composure. He was always depicted as an indifferent being, who often had no qualms with being sent back to the Netherrealm every time he manifested in this world. What had changed?

His sharp, taloned hands reached for your face, and you're almost certain that he would rip your skin to shreds right there. You closed your eyes, anticipating the end of your days, until you felt the caress of a calloused, yet freezing hand instead.

When you blinked, the fury in his eyes was but a memory, and has been overcome by something akin to pity, but not quite.

"You know, even if my physical body is not within the bounds of your realm, I can still peer into what is going on," he murmured against your ear. His large hand enclosed the hand you used to hold on to the necklace, which you didn't realize you were clutching tightly against your chest. "You're a good child, the first human I knew my heart would be secure with."

You were stunned at his sudden change of temperance. Were demons as precarious as they said? Satori continued to surprise you when he pulled away, folding his great wings back in place. Red eyes gazed upward into the dark sky, and for some reason, the clouds overhead parted with just one glance from Satori. The moon spilled her light onto the shrine, illuminating even the darkest corners. Your mouth hung in disbelief. Is this...really what a demon was supposed to be capable of?

He retracted his gaze back to you. "I can hear the footsteps of the other shrinekeepers being carried by my wind. You best complete the sealing ritual before they arrive, or you may as well decapitate yourself, before they do."

You winced at the reminder. There have been times when the Head Guardian failed to banish Satori, and that failure has caused them their heads. You didn't know what to do! You've uttered the only spell you know, the only spell that has been imparted to you ever since you learned how to speak. How were you to know that they were the wrong incantations if you had only one chance to find out for yourself?

Noticing your distress, Satori unfurled one of his wings to edge you near to him. You gasped at the feel of the soft feathers on your back. He kept prodding you closer until you were flush against his broad chest. He smelled of rosemaries, and you could only fathom how the demon who's spent a hundred years in the Netherrealm could have such an aroma.

"I propose two solutions to your dilemma," he informed calmly. "One is that I teach you a temporary sealing spell that will send me back  to wherever you wish to send me. I cannot impart to you the actual spell that your ancestors have abused me with, since it's spoken in the tongue of the angels. But the spell I know of will only last for about five years. However, that's more than enough time for you to search for the original angelic spell."

You couldn't believe what you were hearing. Was he seriously suggesting that he assist you in his own banishment, when he spoke so ill about it only a few moments ago? That hardly made any sense to you. It was also as if he was implying that accepting each banishment was his choice, and not something he had to resist. Your face contorted with doubt. For all you know, he could be leading you into a trap... Maybe instead of a so-called temporary sealing spell, he's going to make you utter the incantation that will make the binds of his heart weaken enough for him to steal it back.

"W-What is the second?" your voice cracked with sheer nervousness.

He flashes a toothy grin. "You come with me to the Netherrealm, where no one can harm you, of course."

"I refuse!" Your reply came instantaneously with an adamant glint in your eyes. He must have been losing his mind, right? How could he just impose that upon you so casually? Your life has always been here on Earth, with your family and friends! He couldn't just rip you out of the picture as he pleased.

From the distance, you could hear the large iron gates at the bottom of the shrine creak in their hinges. They're here.

"Hmm, both choices will save you, girl. But you could always just die at the hands of the people you've considered family; the same people who caused you to underperform tonight, in the first place, because of their flawed education." Satori smirked. "But you don't want that, do you?"

You were trembling in his grasp, so badly that you dropped the holy scepter that was supposed to spite Satori should the tip be pointed in his direction. That definitely wasn't the case. What were you supposed to do at this point? Satori's words rang true. You didn't want to choose between two risky choices, but if you walked away from the out he was offering, you'd have to face the age-long wrath of your family. You had to choose the choice that demanded the least possible collateral.

"I say, you'd have five more minutes left to make a choice, girl," he murmured softly, his hands caressing your hair almost endearingly. Your heart clenches at the action. What was it that you were feeling? Was he manipulating your feelings to his favor? You don't know, you don't know, you don't—

"I've watched you through the glass ever since it was given to you, do you know that?" Satori interrupted your downward spiral into madness, taking the necklace that held his heart from your unguarded hands. "You might be asking yourself, why doesn't he just kill me and take his heart back?" His rendition of a feminine voice was terrible, but you're too terrified of your fate to speak.

When you continued to keep your silence, he sighed. "You see, girl, I am no ordinary yokai, you've realized that, at least, have you?"

You nodded. He did have a point. Satori was referred to as a tengu, but the only indication of that were his glorious wings. Every other attribute about him seemed to speak of something godly. You've never heard of a yokai who could manipulate the natural elements other than Satori. For the longest time, you've had the mind to question the elders about it, but they would only dismiss your curiosities as blasphemy of the doctrines.

"That in itself is enough reason for me not to kill you and, 'destroy the valley', as you have said," he grinned.

"I-I don't understand."

"You don't have to."

You could hear the voices of your fellow shrinekeepers getting closer by the second. Satori took note of this as well, clicking his tongue. Suddenly, he placed the necklace, now pulsing with life, around your neck. It radiated the kind of warmth you always longed to receive from your family. Your fingers clutched it tightly, as you gazed into his entrancing eyes.

"Make your choice now," he pleaded, while holding out his hand for you. Why did he want to save you that badly?

A million thoughts race across your mind in a millisecond. You weighed each decision available, and you almost broke down with indecisiveness right there. But at the last second, you placed your hands, and your whole trust, in his, and you seemingly melted into the wind just before the shrinekeepers arrived at the last step of the stone stairway.

"Where is she?" Your cousin, Kento voiced out in concern.

Your grandmother's face turned grim, as she inspected the area. The shrine looked as pristine as they have left it in your hands before night fell, but the bronze scepter lay forgotten on the wooden floor. You were nowhere to be seen.

Kento hissed. "It was him! He took her, didn't he? I told you she was not strong enough to banish him, oba-san! It did not work!"

"Silence, Kento," demanded the older woman, as she felt the previously low temperature rise again. As she gazed up at the now clear sky, something caught her attention. A lone, ivory feather that glinted in the moonlight wafted in the air, and down to her feet. Despite her age, she managed to crouch down to study it between her fingers.

"It has been done..."

Not more than five hundred years into the future, a peculiar duo hailing from the nearby Karasuno High School managed to get themselves stuck on a tour around the various historical spots in Miyagi.

"Hinata, you dumbass! That wasn't the line for the train to Tokyo! It was a line for a tour!" Kageyama scolded his companion.

"Uwah! I thought they were going to to Tokyo because of their clothes. They looked like tourists to me, Kageyama!"

"They are tourists, just not in Tokyo!"

"If you're so pissed off about it, then why did we come up all the way in Fujiwara Shrine if you knew that in the first place?"

"S-Shut up! I was interested in the town lore!"

"Sir," the woman overseeing the tour interrupted their banter. "The lecture about a brief history of the shrine is about to start. It would be best if you kept your discussions at a minimum."

Kageyama promptly apologized, as Hinata jeered at him for getting scolded.

Up ahead, there was an easel with a canvas concealed with a white sheet. An elderly woman wearing a traditional yukata began speaking in English, since some of the tourists were foreigners. Kageyama understood her greeting perfectly, but was annoyed when Hinata kept asking him for translations every second. He told his teammate off, saying he'll tell him the gist of it when the woman was done talking.

"The Fujiwara Shrine was founded around the eleventh century, at the generosity of its founder, Fujiwara Daisuke. But shortly after its construction, it caught the attention of the wind god, Satori. He was outraged at the completion of the shrine, since the Fujiwaras supposedly built it on top of his sacred ground. However, Daisuke did not acknowledge him as a god, which caused the deity to become angered at his heresy."

Kageyama became immensely interested in the details that the woman was imparting. He's no history junkie, but hearing about tales of gods and the like always seemed to fascinate him.

The woman continued. "The disagreement eventually worsened, and Satori, blinded by his rage, wiped out the village below. But before he could do the same to this very shrine, Daisuke managed to cut out the god's heart while his guard was down. He encased the god's heart in the most unbreakable glass and hung it around his neck as a necklace. This phenomenon caused Satori to fall into the deepest pits of insanity. The loss of his heart eventually turned him into a yokai. Severely weakened, Satori was cast into the Netherrealm, a void said to house the most menacing of demons. Daisuke specifically enchanted him with the language of angels, something Satori could no longer speak because of the loss of his heart, so he could not unbind the seal on his will."

"However, no seal is completely formidable. Every one hundred years, the seal originally set up by Daisuke will weaken enough for Satori to slip back into the Earthly plane to steal his heart back. He knew this, and that's why he arranged for his grandson, Kisuke to learn the language of the angels right before he died. The tradition has been passed down to the Fujiwaras through the Shinto scrolls ever since. Until in the sixteenth century, Fujiwara (Name) was to take up the responsibility of sealing Satori back as the Head Guardian."

"Kageyamaaaa, I don't understand a word she's saying," Hinata whined.

Kageyama put a finger to his lips with a scary expression on his face, effectively silencing the shrimp.

"Like the responsibility of keeping him at bay for as long as possible, the necklace that contained Satori's heart was also passed down to each Head Guardian. However, the tradition upheld for almost half a millennium was broken by (Name). Accounts of this event were rather flimsy, since the Shinto scrolls at the time, were burned by an unknown individual. However, it was known that, at this period, it was forgotten than Satori was originally a god. He was regarded as a tengu, a type of bird-like yokai because of his wings. The reason why the tradition ended after (Name) is because, legend has it, Satori took an interest in her, for seeing through the fact that he isn't just a demon. Some said that he never came back to the Earthly plane because he had his heart back. Others whisper about the Fujiwaras secretly killing (Name) for her incompetence, and fabricated the story to cover up for the heinous crime."

Some of the tourists mumble in fascination.

"Now, Fujiwara Shrine would now wish to behold an illustration of the god-turned-yokai, Satori, through the skill of the late Fujiwara Kento."

After that, the woman unveiled the sheet on the whatever was standing on the easel, and the sight made Kageyama's eyes widen.

The parchment was fading into a dull brown, but the colors of the painting still seemed to be fresh. The detail put into each feather that made up his wings was breathtaking. But the face of the supposed Satori almost gave Kageyama a heart attack.

"T-That's...That's—" Hinata, though he probably didn't understand the woman's words, was as equally surprised as he is.

"Tendou-san," Kageyama finished for him.

The sound of his phone ringing in his pocket snapped the two of them out of their surprise.

"H-Hello?" Kageyama greeted shakily.

"WHERE ARE YOU?" Sawamura's infuriated voice resounded in the area, causing the other tourists to stare at them bizarrely.

"Daichi-san, we're sorry," apologized Kageyama, while he grabbed Hinata's arm. The other boy protested at his sudden rush, but Kageyama just told him to shut up. "Hinata accidentally lined us up with the tourists exploring Miyagi. We're on the way to the station as we speak."

"You better be here in half an hour or it's two extra hours of drills for the both of you!" With the final word, their captain hung up.

Kageyama sighed, as he and Hinata went down the stone stairway that led to the shrine. The afternoon sun was glaring at them and there wasn't a single whistle of wind. The information he just took in swirled in his mind, unable to wrap his head around the fact that Satori the god looked exactly like Tendou from Shiratorizawa. When they descended to the bottom, Kageyama casted one last glance at the shrine up in the hill. For once, he's grateful that he and Hinata got lost.

[namuneulbo]

week eight

well monday was valentines day. nothing special happened since im still going hard on my 17th year of being single. i really want a partner. so bad. i wanna be loved. i wanna cuddle someone and give them tiny kisses and hold their hand :( im so touch-starved. im begging atp.

tuesday i had band practice and it went so good but went downhill. or well... it started quite shit then it got good then it got bad again. theres def some stuff to unpack. okay, so, before practice even started i was preparing everything like connecting (is that the right word? i dont think so in this context?) mics and just like getting the entire chain together like instrument-mixing table-speakers. u know? the usual band stuff.

i mightve mentioned this bitch before but basically theres a dude in my band thats racist, homophobic, transphobic etc. all the bad stuff. sadly he was the only bassist available so i had to pick him for my band :( i have the coolest boy there though so at least i dont feel uncomfy all the time but when hes not there it can get quite unpleasant. this nice boy, b, hes really just supportive and idk if hes queer himself since hes in a straight-passing relationship but hes so cool and wears nail polish, skirts and makeup sometimes. hes so cool and hes pretty much a safe space even though i cant really talk to him. i know we share some interests too like certain animes and stuff!

anyways, onto the shitty ugly ew dude. hes, as i mentioned, just a total douchebag and has zero respect for ppl and especially women (he was literally banned from meeting a certain group of girls in school bc he sexually assaulted them. oh boy, trust me i would never in my entire life have this dude in my band if it wasnt my only option.) so as a woman im so fucking terrified of this man.

for context, hes 23. im 17. s e v e n t e e n. so before band practice started, we were the only ones there. he started a convo and asked what i wanna do after high school. i said i dont want to study music anymore and i wanna study korean (which i later on in the week found out isnt the actual major at the uni i wanna go to, its just part of asian studies so now im considering studying that and then studying translation in south korea.) now what does this man say to me?

“will u be a big girl?”

and no, this is not the first time this heavily sweat-smelling incel of a man has said creepy shit to me. a few weeks back he said “l, smack me! ive been a bad boy!” after playing the wrong chord. it made me so icky.

anyways ofc after he dropped this creepy ass comment i just became kind of quiet and mentally prayed for b to arrive so that k, douchbag boy, would stop saying stuff like that. i really wish i had the guts to tell the teachers but all my teachers are male apart from my vocal teacher and im not sure she can do anything about it. im not comfortable talking to my male teachers about that. im confused why the man didnt get expelled and just got banned from talking to hem as if hes not going to target other women. hes disgusting.

anyways once practice started my voice was much better than i expected which made my mood rise a bit but by the last few songs my throat was dry and hurting so there were voice cracks and off notes all over the place.

wednesday was plain.

thursday i skipped school since i found out my classmate who literally had covid like two days before that would be coming to school. sorry but i am not catching that shit. i met up w i and t around 12 and we went to a café. it was quite a short meet-up and once i left i soon left as well after finishing my ice cream. i had three flavors ! after eight, caramel meringue and cappuchino, although i couldve done wo the after eight one. i usually like mint chocolate but it was a tad too minty. cappuchino is my fav ice cream flavor ever though.

friday! i had planned to go to the studio w l but on thursday was asked to hang out w a cool person from school !!! i was so happy bc ive wanted to become friends w this person for so long and they told me she had a friend crush on me and my friend t :( so them and t had planned to hang out on friday (+ their partner). she told me i was allowed to bring ppl along so ofc since i had already planned to hang out w l i asked her if they wanted to hang out w them and she seemed excited about it! it was all good since both parts knew of each other since they were instagram mutuals. sadly, t was exposed to covid on thursday (after we hung out !!!!!! so i wasnt.) so we had to skip the big meet-up and l and i went back to our original plans of going to the studio. as expected, we got absolutely nothing done and struggled to even get everything to work. afterwards we met up w their friends and we went to a burger place. me and l ot proper food while the others seemed to only have had finger foods and desserts. i didnt have time to eat dinner earlier so it was nice to get some food in me and i love when l checks up on me. its such a simple thing but to me it holds so much love.

later we hung out in my schools basement for a while before going home.

saturday! v uneventful during the day but i met up w l and her friends in the evening to watch melodifestivalen. im so sad tribe friday didnt go to finals or semi-finals. they were so cute. the song wasnt my fav but it was my fav out of that weeks songs and the vibe and aghhh i love boys in skirts and makeup who rock its so bae.

today i only played sims, scrolled tiktok and ate cereal. zero regrets.

sotw: yohio - innocence

[ilygsd]

200918: 1

someone fuck me in the asshole honestly im shocked how can this dude NOT UNDERSTAND??? hes really good at cognitive empathy, he has a nice moral compass he follows ”be kind, be nice” but he cant fucking FEEL what hes doing

and like....... thats important to me??? and apaprebtly NO ONE has ever criticized him for it or whatever? like his ”intentions”?? ofc he cant help he doesnt feel emotional empathy but he literally cant spot the DIFFERENCE!!! he’s like ”as long as im kind and a nice human being” like bitch NOO!!!! i like you!!! you ”like” me, but you like me bc u think im interesting and you think we can learn from each other. which also is important OF COURSE!! but BITCH I LIKE YOU BC I FEEL FOR YOU THATS DIFFERENT

we’ve known each other for like 3 weeks, met 5 times and we’ve already had 3 major fights??? mainly over text/phone but still.... he’s so fycking mean? he really tries to manipulate me that ugly fucking whore!!! he guilt trips me all the fuxking time i cant say anything he’ll explode and i need to apologize or some shit otherwisw it would never end. and i know what the fuck he’s doing because i used to be the exact same. honestly we are similar in many aspecrs EXCEPT for the ”feel”-part. i feel TOO MUCH. and the difference is that im not manipulating him.... because i KNOW i cant. i know he’d see right through me, there’s no POINT

like i used to be like that too, maybe i still am. i ALWAYS win fights, no mercy. its like i turn off my empathy during fights but AT LEAST i feel AFTERWARDS!!! he doesnt. he realize he did wrong bc of his ”morality”. bitch i could CRY, because he literally scolded me over phone when i was on the bus and there was NOTHING i could do to stop him. i tried to talk to him but he only continues cus i fkn refuse to oBEY HIS ORDERS??? but i cant hang up either cus then he’d never talk to me again and i’d feel like shit......

he’s pretty calm irl, ive never seen him angry irl and i hope i never will holy SHIT!!! he’s so good at hurting, like he turns everything youve ever said to him against you. he’s so fucking good at it cus he’s so god damn good at reading people. thats what makes him so charming. i DONT UNDERSTAND how can his precious girlfriends not have CARED??? apparently i’m the first to criticize him and one of the few to trigger him and im like..... bruh how?? i literally dont say anything and you fucking explode?? are your family and friends blind??? are you doing this to me because you THINK the manipulation will work??

also...... he sees it as something positive that sick bastard. hes like ”well i think this could be good” and im like ”uhhhh bitch it is I who get scolded???” and hems like ”but i feel and too :((” he’s such a fkn dumbass. this is his politics too. he believes in reverse racism and is probably sexist too smhhh. i was like ”are u dumb, u hit me in the face and tell me its bad for you too bc u feel vad abt hitting me??”

i am impressed by how he chose to ve ”kind” or whatever instead of psycho even though i still think he’s selfish and does it for his own gain aka he LOVES to learn things, experience things. he’s very ambitious, energetic and curious. but he doesnt understand. he’s like ”well im kind to you thats all that matters?”

the thing is, he’s not even kind??? he basically forced me to taste his disgusting vanilla coffee OTHERWISE he would take the blanket away??? he sees it as teasing and it kind of is yeah..... if i didnt know that his 1000% serious?? he honestly think its a ducking compromose?? im lile ”uhh a improvisera would be for me to taste a little coffee and then you to give me another blanket or AT LEAST stop nagging”

and when i finally tasted the ugly coffee he wanted to know if i thought it was good and i said ”yeah its ok” bc im not a liar, it was better than expected. and hes like ”thats all i wanted to hear” I KNOW BITCH, YOURE NOT THAT FUCKING SLICK ITS PRETTY FKN OBVIOUS

also he always adds rules??? everythings always on his conditions? also he kinda thinks i should be thankful for him not being an asshole??? or maybe its that i actually VRITICIZE his intentions. yeah i think that brothers him. i think he thinks it entertaining because he doesnt care when he get angry. i didnt use to either. i could just forget te fight and move on, it wasnt important to me. but fuck now when i KNOW what its like......

im like ”ur threatening me to drink coffee” and hes like ”arent u happy i put extra much vanilla for you?? i usually drink much stronger but i didnt for u? arent u happy i gave u the blanket? i actually was goong to put it on the couch and leave u cold but i didnt?” BUT HE ONLY PUT ECTRA VANILLA SO I WPULD TELL HIM IT TASTES GOOD SO HIS EGO CAN BE BOOSTED

calso he kinda forced me to drink alohol?? i was like ”im feeling like shit if i throw up its tour fault and you will have to clean up” and he’s like ”no you’ll have to clean up” BITCH I SONT EVEN WANT TO DRINK YOURE PUSHING ME

soooo many red flags fuck i really SHOULD leave now when i can and now when im not too emotionally invested. but oMG IM SO CURIOUS!!! we’re so similar yet so different!!! we can relate to each other in some ways the bad thing is that since he actually cant FEEL empathy, he doesnt BELEIVE me even when i tell him the truth. im not sad bc i want to manipulate him. im not even sad that his words are huetful even though they are, because i know he’s fucking weong. im sad because he treats me lile this. im sad because i like HIM!!! i genuinely LIKE HIM!! but he doesnt fucking understand?? he doesnt understand the difference between LIKING someone and LIKING to HANG OUT with someone. i like him because i like HIM I FEEL HIM, he only likes to hang out with me.

he talks about this as ”his way” and ”bot traditional” way of feeling. his version and definition of ”love” and ”affvtion” is so fucking weird??? we were cuddling and he said ”wow u make me feel more” LMAO BULLSHIT. I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU ONLY SAY THAT CUS U THINK THATS WHAT I WANT TO HEAR

im partly okay with him being low empathy, he cant help it and i actually genuinely believe he believes he’s doing the RIGHT thing. like he believes it so much and... i guess he is?? like what choice does he have? he cant fucking feel, the least he can do is be kind anyways. he cant help that its not genuine and i guess i’ll have to accept that, but i al NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THOSE CHEAP TRICKS. i didnt say anything but i bet he would even understand if i pointed it out. he’d be like ”but its true!! i feel more with you” no bitch, you only say/think that because you WANT to be with me and now when you know thats what i want to hear thats what you say. smhhh

also i remember in the beginning when i kinda confessed and he was like ”it takes time for me to like someone” and in like???? uhhh okay? and i was anxious abt it cus i really didnt understand what the fuck we were and he just kept ”it takes time for me to like someone” to i was like ”okay but its not like im super super deeply in love with you or anything?? like.... i can like people??” BUT NOW I FUCKING UNDERSTAND HE LITERALLY MEANS BASIC ASS EMPATHY. IT TAKES TIME FOR HIM TO FEEL BASIC ASS EMPATHY FOR OTHER PEOPLE

i just dint understand how the fuck he’s able to still have a family and friends and stuff. how..... how can no one care??? i said ”theyre being manipulated” and hes like ”no i just dont think they care. they just like that im kind and dont think much abt it” but both youre not kind??? but when i tell im its not genuine he goes with the ”well we’re all egoists anyqays, we’re all doing things for ourselves, ur egoist too” yeah but i can still FEEL

i dont wanna be a dick. maybe its just me?? maybe its just because i feel so much and thats why i really NEED that genuine feeling?? no, i know why...... fuCK ME!!! i CARE because i like him 😔😔 bc i think hes so smart and interesring and i see him as someone potential and thats why i keep test him like this 😔 and its for no use because i cant change who he is 😔😔 would i care about these things with some other guy??? no. because i sont care abt them, but i care abt him and thats why 😔😔

hes not even guilt tripping me for it (wow ”yay” ) he just doesnt understand. he doesnt understand the difference or why i find it important. he just sees it as ”him being different” and ”him feeling in another way”. thats not it. this is not normal. this is because of childhood trauma and im so fucking sad for you, no offense, youre doing tour best but thats so sad

well anyways, even if i were to accept his WEIRD ASS DEFINITION OF LOVE he STILL needs to fucking stop with his abuse??????!!!! out of the 3 fights he has told me 2 times he’s going to ”try” but bitch WE KNOW HE WONT. HE CANT! HE CANT BECAUSE HE CANT FEEL WHEN ITS ENOUGH. IF HE FELT EMPATHY HE WOULD KNOW WHEN TO STOP. BUT HE CANT. im just waiting for him to explode someday. i literally asked him ”what should i do next time” and he’s like ”idk, i cant tell you what to do”. omg its true. theres nothing i can do, he’d still be so pissed at me no matter what. and me just asking him is such a BIG RED FLAG like we ALL KNOW.... or not him. he’s like ”maybe we wont fight” LMAO HAHAH YEA BITCH NICE TRY BUT WE WILL BC U START IT

hes so fucking sensitive. we had a misunderstanding, he started to scold me, i got mad and he kept gaslighting ”no i didnt scold you” and when i called him out on gaslighhting..... oh boy...... he got SO FUCKING MA, accuses ME of gaslighting him?? accuses me of ”starting” it with my ”passie aggressiveness” ok maybe i was passive aggressive but i WOULDNT IF HE DIDNT SCOLD ME ABOUT IT. i cant ever criticize him because he goes bananas. ok maybe im not the best to criticize others, im very....... bold. BUT I KNOW IM RIGHT??

last time he got angry because i said ”ppl listen to you bc ur a white man” and he started to bring up his childhood, told me im insensitive, theeatened me to hang up, never talk to me again if i didnt ”respect” him aka ”obey” him, he guilt truppen me, told me no one would want to me with me blah blah blah

a part of me is happy u dont really fall for that bullshit. like yes if course im HURT!!! but as i said, im not really hurt because he really is trying to hurt me. he really WANTS to hurt me. he even takes pride in it?? ”im very good at making people feel very good, and im very good at making people feel very bad” it makes me so FRUSTRATED BECAUSE I LIKE HIM I WANT HIM TO SEE AND UNDERSTAND SO HE CAN GROW, THAT IS EMPATHY PEOPLE, THAT IS GENUINE LOVE

we’re so different. we use completely different tactics. when i used to manipulate my ex.... i NEVER did personal attacks like he does. i never used smth personal AGAINST them.... i was more about.... guilt tripping? more about ”u dont love me, pity me”. im not saying thats good, i was horrible but what he does is just MEAN. i dont understand how anyone can keep up with that kind of behavior. i even told him when we fought and he responded ”well i need to keep up with u”. he always does that and that actually hurts because i like him. and he knows that. he always says ”ive been sitting here, listening to you, been kind to you and....” etc. etc

WHYYYYYY am i the only one criticizing him?? WHY is he like this to me? is it because i see through his ugly acting?? is it even possible for us to ever be healthy together? we can learn from each other, no doubt. but is it healthy???

when i tell him i feel bad bc of horrible manipulative and emotional abusive things ive done he understand but hes like...... ”thats ok dont be so hard on yourself, just learn, everyone makes mistakes” but like no?? THIS IS NOT OKAY!!! he also keeps saying i’ll become like him and like ”stop caring” bc ”we cared too much before” but NO I DONT WANT TO BECOME LIKE YOU!! I ADMIRE YOUR THINKING SKILLS AND ID LIKE TO LEARN SOME OF THAT BC WERE POLAR OPPOSITES YOU THINK, I FEEL. YOU CANT FEEL, I CANT THINK AND HANDLE MY FEELINGS

i dont WANT to. thats the difference. im not satisfiera!!! i told him i dont want to apologize to my ex best friend (who i treated like shit) until it feels GENUINE and hes like ”pfft... its better than nothing. she wont know if its genuine anyways” and im like bitch.... i WANT to be genuine because i think she would appreciate it more and I would feel better about it and hes like ”oh so its cus u wanna feel good about it” OH MY GOD HES SO ANNOYING

i really should pack mt bags and run. why did i have to fall for him UGHHHHH. why do i let him treat me like this when i’d never let ANYONE else do it. its so weird, im very picku with guys. i dont fall for ANYONE. i ALWAYS pick nice and kind guys so why him? i thought he was nice, yeah fair enough, but i still like him even though he isnt? i dont think its me being awfullt desperate, i really wouldnt let anyone be like this. like BOY HE BEKIEVES IN FUXKING REVERSE RACISM DO YALL THINK I WOULD HANG IUT WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT??? or maybe i am desperate. yes i am. im desperate for the connection i feel. thats kinda sad. i feel a strong bond to/with him, i feel like we’ve been through some things and i still look up to him and how he has recovered. he gives me hope that i can also be happy one day. I DONT WANT TO BE LIKE HIM but i still want to learn from him. and i sont think i will ve like him because im not a sociopath. i just want to take the good stuff and then become better

omg i really am similar to him. im really here feeling superior. i do feel superior because i can feel. i feel superior and a part of me wants to use him. hes a real challenge. i dont think i can maniplate him, it would be amazing to have him feel something for me...... IH MY GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUCKING MESS. NO THIS IS NOT IT. I DO LIKE HIM IM NOT LIKE HIM. IM NOT THAT FUCKED UP

i get really annoyed when he claims im similar that i also want to control and manipulate and im like NO BITCH WERE SIMILAR BUT NOT HERE, like not when im trying to be calm and grown up and have us silver things, not when im crying because he huet my feelings but................ maybe hes right. or maybe hes just manipulating me??? maybe its both. ofc its both. i WAS HURT, i actually HAD anxiety!!!! if that bastard could feel, he would have known it was GENUIKE. AND HE WOULD HAVE KNOWN IM TRYING TO BE CALM AND AN ASULR BECAUSE HE SURE AS HELL FUXKING ISNT AND I ACTUALLY LIKE YOU BITCH I WANT TO SOLVE THIS FOR MY OWN SAKW TOO SO I CAN BE WITH YOU WITHOUT FEELING LIKE A CHEAP WHORE WITH NO SELF RESPECT.... BUT YES OF COURSE I WANTED HIM TO FEEL FOR ME TOO. IT DISTURBS ME SO MUCH THAR I DONT HAVE AN EFFECT ON HIM HEA LIKE A STONE AND OFC IF ANYONE SAW US FIGGT I’D LOOK LIKE THE CALM ONE. hes wrong though bc i used to think like that too with my ex bff. i used to think damn shes only like that so she can feel superior to be and humiliate me but no. she was right. she was more mature than me and she did what she had to do AND THATS WHAT IM DOIKG TO SO FUCK YOU

only way for me to manipulate him would be sexually. he’s that pathetic. a fucking horny dick, thats what he is. but it wouldnt even be manipulation because honestly if hes that fucking horny then its his choice. its not like i’d ever r*pe him, i dont even wanna have sex with him that guy has some HIGH STANDARDS i feel like a virgin next to him but since im not he would also expect more smh. i dont even dare to kiss him back. im only used to virgins so they dont have any experience lmao but... fuck i cant this time

he’s so cockt though for real. he brags about this and that all the time which is kind of his charm..... if it wasnt for the fact that hes always so competitive and serious LMAO. like it would really hurt his ego if i questioned him. imagine me telling him his sex, kisses, brain/psychology or smth was bad. i swear to god he would want to scold me and call me some real nasty things but he probably wouldnt

[xelere]

tw long rant cus i need to breathe

wow the fight i had with dad that made me depressed af.... i had it now with my white brother and his wife and partly with my mom too

they talked abt having their kids kidnapped would be the worst and i jokingly said ”haha thats me” cus i need to deal with it

and my brother starts to lecture me and then just completely insensitive says ”but werent you abandoned on the streets i dont think china-” oh here we go again

my kind but weak mom goes; ”no actually a police station” as if that was any better??? she has NEVER stood up for me, no one has. maybe she wants to and agrees with me cus shes the smartast in our family but she never had the GUTS to and the same for my other brother they be agreeing or at least UNDERSTANDING and maybe RESPECT me a little but nor enough to ever have mt back those fkn pussies

then we start to fight and i start to cry again cus im so FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY of having a white family and i CANT EVER REST I CANT REST ANYWHERE WHERE IS MY FUCKING SAFE SPACE CAN I BREATHE

and then his wife goes ”but linn.... now im getting angry you cant just accuse him of being subtle racist!!” and shes always quiet an i always thought she was lile smarter than my stupid brother but obviously.... not

and i just give up.... im a fcking minority in my own family. not to get too personal but my little sister would never have the guts to do this cus shes afraid of conflicts. i ALWAYS have to shut the fuck up in family reuinions. and just because i came with trauma, i was an angry and anxious baby, always screaming and thanks to that being labelled as ”problematic and annoying and angry” by everyone who didnt know how to handle me - thanks to that people STILL think they have the right to silence me. im a grown ass woman, im fucking 19 years old and everyone in my family still rolls their eyes at me and goes ”but linn....”

im so fucking tired. im so fucking tired. and i say that. i tell them im tired and that this is why i want to die cus thats exactly why and my brother starts to laugh and like.... accuse me and shit for not ving grateful cus he wants ro defend mom or smth like.... excuse me youre her fucking biolocigal son you have your own fkn mother right here and everyone in this ugly country looks and thinks wxacrly like you

honestly im too tired to write all this shit down cus i could go on for ages in literalky gonna WRITE A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY ONE DAY IM JUST SO FRUSTRATED I GOT NO FUCKING WHERE TO VENT GOD I HATW MY FAMILY I GET IT HAVING AN ASIAN ANTIBLACK CLASSIST HOMOPHPBIC FAMILY WOULD BE BAD TOO BUT LIKE....... at least it would be my family at least they would look like me and not be racist against me?

and what makes me the most sad is that my adoptive family is still better than like 90% the only difference eis that most adoptees dont dare to ”come out” like this, criticizing their own adoption bc ffs we’re terrified of being abandoned. its just....... theyre so fucing dumb. they dont know shit about racism or adoption and like.... thats kinda essential. no one repsects me in this family except for my mom but shes a fucking coward, always in the middle. everyone else talks down on me and i didnt notice like YESTERDAY DURING MY LAST BREAKDOWN THAT WASNT ABT ADOPTION BUT WAS ABT MY EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE DAD AND HOW I REALIZED HE ALWAYS TREATED ME AND MY SISTER LILE SHIT AND BLAMES MY TRAUMA ON ME SO NOW MY WHOLE FAMILY TREATS MW LIKE A PROBLEMATIC WEIRD KID

i want to leave this family so sad but i dont have any friends cus im too mentally unstable to keep friends and i also have a little sister i need to protest but FOR FUCKSS SAKE TOURE RUCKING 15 AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT BISEXUAL IS like im so done with her too, ive proteced her so much, just because i WAS the angry problematic kid i ALWAYS took the fights for thet cus shes a scared rabbit but she never give me a thank you, never says she appreciates it, always throwing me under the bus when dad accuse us of something and i used to accept it cus i know she was too scared of him BUT AGTER ALL THIS TIME AFTER EVERYTHING IVE DONE FOR HER SHES FUCKING 15 SHE KNOWS I HAVE HER BACK IVE BEEN PRTOEVTING HER EVER SINCE THEIR DIVORCE WHEB OUR GROWN ASS ADULT 21+ BROTHERS LEFT US AND I WAS LIKE FUCKING 11 YEARS OLD I PROTECETED HER AND I NEVER GET ANYTHING AND IF I STOP TALKING TO HER SHE WONT EVWR TALK TO ME BECAUSE THATS HOW ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS WORK

i lost all respect for my brother. i knew he was a racist dumbass but like.... he really sig there and laugh and accuse me and guilt trips me when i tell him his dumb ignorant ass is the reason i want o die. this is why i wanna fake my suicide so i can revenge them but i also dont cus then i’d just give in and be one of all those adoptees who commoted suicide and whos gonna fight for them IF NOT ME CUS I ALWAYS DO FKN EVERYTHING. this is also why i low key think i got bpd or smth cus i always want to kill ppl like my family or myself or why not BOTH

cant wait for tomorrow where i have to face everyone and were gonna pretend like NOTHING happened. you know why i came here with my mom and visited??? BECAUSE I WANTED TO TAKE A PAUSE FROM MY DAD AFTER THE SIMILAR SUICIDE THREATENING PANOC ATTACK FIGHT I HAD LIKE YESTERDAY

i just gotta accept tjat my family is totally shit right? i just gotta live through it? this is why i never wanna have kids in sweden. like yeah i’ll probably still be in contact cus im only human, i love my parents and my family ofc.... but like........ I AM NOT TRUSTING THEM. MY REAL FAMILY IS HONESTLY OTHER WOC ONLINE AND OTHER TRANSRACIAL ADOPTEES (the smart oens not the whitewashed ones i try not to blame them but im really fkn tired lf having to protest them and clean up and defend them)

i remember when i was like this every single day....... i DONT WANT IT TO COME BACK IM SO TIRED HOW MANY TIMES WILL I HAVE TO THREATEN WITH SUICIDE AND SHIT FOR MY FAMILY TO LIEK..... TAKE ME SERIOSULY NO ONE EVER HELPS ME I EVEN GAVE UP ON MY PARENTS I WANTED THEM TO READ ON RACISM BUT THEY REFUSED AT ELAST MY DAD, SO I KNOW I ONLY GO WITH STOP TRIGGERING ME BUT LIEK...... IVE THOUGHT SO MICH FOR MY MOM TO BE QHERE SHW IS TODAY WHOCH IS LIKE THIS COWARD BUT AT LEAST SHE CLMFLRTS ME AFTERWARDS AND IM TOO TIRED TO HAVE TO CONVERT AND EDUCATED MY WHOLE FKN FAMILY WHEN THEY DONT DO SHIT TO LEARN FOR ME

i just gotta smile and wave and pretend to love my brother when he didnt do shit when they divorced, mom got ptsd and i went through AT LEAST A THIRD ABANDONMENT, and he doesnt do shit now all he thinks about is how i accuse him of being racist cus he doesnt understand systems and structures which i blamed it on but tbh he’s the famiöy’s racist he really is hems always been cus hes so fkn stupid he’s joked abt muslims and chinese and black ppl and everything im only pretending its the systematic so my mom doesnt get angry lmao but he.... IS..... not ONLY like all the other white people..... but he IS...... for real

and giys..... i left so much of my anger out in this post cus im too tired and mt phone is gonna die but that vreqkdown i had recently....... i wrote like 50+ posts and theyre SOOOOO LONG and also more wellwritten im just saying to give you a perspektivet of how ISOLATED AND DESPERATE I AM IM DESPERATE BITCHES I HINESTLY THINK IM GONNA DIE IF I KEEP STAYONG HERE I WANT TO ASIA I WANT TO SOMEWEHRE MULTICULTURAL I WANT FRIENDS I AM GOING TO DIE IM GOING TO DIE IM DYING IM DYING AND IF IM DYING IM GONNA BRING DOWN MY WHOLE FAMILY AND EVERY WHITE PERSON AND EVERY NON ADOPTEE WITH ME