#and the man who was responsible for the bus tickets didnt do shit

[spacebunslewis]

Experienced the worst bus ride ever today i was abt to start crying

[mandaabsher0505-blog]

Drugs and relationships part 2...

Okay so to keep on with what i was writhing, I was the poster child for anti drugs... I raised my nephews like they where mine sender i was 12, i took on my grandma's responsibilitys as a goose wife for two years when she had her knees replaced, on top of working full time and going thru- finishing up school with a 4.0....I had no time in ny life for drugs or boys who did them.. Than I got older and I took a vacation for a few weeks was the plan, to Wasgington State where my mother and brother was. I had just lost my job and was getting over taking vicodins like one takes breaths.... And so last minutes i went wheb my sister decided she wasnt going to go and the tickets where already bought.. Well thise few weeks ended up being years and years, approximently 7 years...

While in washington I meet a man who brought me back to pills, to oxys and perc. 30s this time. And then once they where no longer enough he bbrought me to heroin... See i knew all about the meth side of drugs cause thats what my family delt with. But no one warned me what pain pills where and if a doctor was who gave them to you than they cant be to bad for you right.. I had no idea it lead to heroin and the distruction of yourself and your life.. But thats exactly what it did..

I stayed with that man for 5 or 6 years.. We had t wo beautifuk babys, who the first a little girl, was born addicted to pills, than the second a baby boy, addicted to hsroin.. I had my girl for the firat two years of her life, the best two years of mine... Without to. mmmmuch details, the fathers mother, thought she was doing the right thing and didnt realize what she was doing woukd destroy me and leave me turnning to dope to help me cope with the lose, called cps on us after she kicked us out amd made us himeless amd claimed we abondanded our baby..

So now i was left on the streets in a state where my brother was in prison, my mother left and went back home to cali and i had no one... And i couldnt go back to cali leaving my baby so I found a hustle, panehandleing at the airport( made 100-300$ a day) and lived on the streets.. At one point had a tent off pac highway in this little forest area.. That was the. Good thing about washington, so many trees and forest like areas even in the citys.. And pac highway had a bus going up and down it all day and nighy with a few places open 24 hours like a mcdonalds and a taco shop where i would stay at all the tine if i wasnt at the airport making money and getting high.. Where i got pregnant again and this time it was dificult as hell. Byt thats another story for another day....

Well i eventually came back to cali to vet sober and i was for 5 months until i ran into a guy down here who i asked to never bring me around heroin.. And thats the first thing he did.. So i had found it here now and felt i had no where safe to hide from this.. And right than my boy friend- father of my kids had left me and I was dealing with that and not having my kids at all,couldnt visit or anything with. Them now.. That i feel right back in.. And have been down ever sense.. Going on 5 years now. And now i have turned to escortting to pay my way and my habits.. And. Shit has just got much more complicated so much worse.

I am now going five years with this other man who i now have two kids with and its a new leavel of love- hate.. I have never been with someone who can speak to well so kindly one moment, i love you cant live without you.. Your mine blah blah and than literally a few minutes later after nothing has happened except in his fucked off mind, now im a whore and he hates me and i m a huge piece of shit who isnt worthy of him and his kids and. He cant believe what i do to make money i must not love him.. But he doesnt do anytbing to get me to stop.. Doesnt make any cash himself or get a job or i dont have to do this... But uts all on me and im a piece of shit somedays for this... Its just so fucked up.. But we r jist as addicted to each other as we r our dope.. It suchs so hard. Leaves a person who w as once so strong and had the world going for them, to a piece of shit loser who doesnt even want to look at themselfs in the mirror anymore..

Anyways ive got to go get ready for another cilent.. Talk to u all later

[golden-rule1-blog]

Soul mates.

So it seems that's your running theme for the day. Since I'm on my best behavior I've opted to keep my mouth shut about the "suggestive" subject matter.

Soulmates as a concept for me have always fallen into the vein of skeptical beliefs. I want to believe it to prove there is still magic to be had out there in the world . The same way I feel about say astrology, religion, aliens, white buffalo.

To just once make tangible the unfathomable to stir that curious child in all of us.

So what is a soulmate to you? What click or spark are you hoping for? Bright brilliant flashes of light or soft glowing warmth? Do you want a light rain or a tidal wave? Would you prefer to drive or fly? Have dinner in tonight or go out?

I didn't know what I was looking for when I found you, freshly single, I don't think I was looking at all. But you happened nonetheless. Winter showcase in all of your awkward adolescent splendor. I remember being distracted by a multitude of issues that year, dumped before the holidays , teen life being what it was, had just wrecked my truck. All of those factors weighing in I was having the hardest damn time paying attention to any of the performances but for the 4 ish minutes you were on that stage I sat in fervent slack-jawed attention. In retrospect, I don't think I clapped as I was too busy composing myself. I made sure that I pocketed a copy of the program so I would remember the name. (Come to think of it, it would make a damn cute gift right about now if I knew where the years had taken it).

I didn't meet you that night, that was just the first time I saw you. I maintain that this is the first and only time in my life I reached out to someone instead of waiting on them to come to me. I knew that if I didnt at the very least take my shot I'd never let myself live it down.

So as awkward teens do instead of getting straight to the point and telling you that you had a nice face I opted for the other option on display and pointed out how much I loved your voice. My goofy friends and I were all into music and that seemed like a good enough place to start.

Myspace message it was.

And you took the bait.

I know it's not the best soulmates story, but it gets better you know that.

I think the first time we hung out it was you Petter and I after Patrick had vouched on my behalf to your mother. And we jammed and sang lame songs that were really, really popular at the time, all exceedingly corny and melodramatic. We said we were writing music but you know we never got anything done.

I remember being so nervous to sing in front of you. I knew how talented you were and how mediocre I was but you were never mean enough to tell me. Also your face was intimidatingly pretty. Just throwing that out there.

I remember the first time we dated was because Taeylor spoke up on your behalf. "Hey, I know someone who likes you." And if I'm not mistaken my response was, "tell ---- I like her a lot too". And We were officially a "thing". For a whole entire week.

"I think we need to break up." "Oh, okay, (insert upset emotional teenage ramblings here.) I think I was angry at first, more sad but just not at all processing it well. I think it took us about a month to get back to normal, because that was around the time we all came over and Turner broke your golf cart.

That was right around mid to late summer if I recall. I finally settled into my skin as your friend and we grew just the tiniest bit apart. I went off to date other people and you went off to do your own thing.

There was a trip somewhere around I want to say fall where your mother reached out to me and asked me to go to guitar center with you two to purchase recording things. A request that I was thrilled to fulfill. In hindsight her letting your dad pick stuff out makes more sense because a professional musician probably trumps a highschool wannabe in the production department. I remember it turned into an all day affair and I remember the casual flirting you did with me in target after we all left guitar center. I remember how your mom looked at me like I had two heads when I told her I had never eaten waffle house and I remember how she insisted upon buying me dinner even though I wanted to pay for myself and I had been dieting at the time.

I remember dating someone else through the winter of 2010 and spring of 2011 and I remember how you comforted me when I was crushed by the events that happened. We walked around your grandmother's neighborhood when she still lived on 155. Through the wooded trails and back. I must have cried and bitched to you in that swing for an hour.

Shortly thereafter there was the easter egg incident.

And all the jokes and innuendos that came along with it.

I remember that being the first time that I knew. Whatever we were doing. Whatever we were. Inseparable was a part of it.

I remember we managed to pull off another dating fling somewhere close to this event if I can even call it that because you and your wanderlust ran off to Italy for the entire duration. My ex got involved and muddied the waters and after Kayla Travis of all people got involved and told you what a terrible idea it was I called it off.

Mostly because I wanted to do this right. I didn't want a slew of onlookers hedging bets against us failing. You told me you cried all night. You told me all the girls you were with said I was an ass, I felt the part, I especially remembered that.

I remember going back to that ex. And I remember letting you have your space. And welcoming you back with open arms when you were ready to be friends again.

I recall the months that followed as a bit of a lull for the both of us. You doing your thing, me doing mine.

I remember us both having partners and both having nasty breakups. The night you called me over eyes swollen nearly shut shaking and crying with bugs in your hair. I remember desperately wishing I knew how to make it right and wishing I knew how to get away with murder. I didn't fix anything but I remember we both nearly died laughing at my reaction to your attempts at pest control via hair products. I remember the following months being full of laughter and chill hangs, long drives and dope concerts. I know that on nights we had plans or nowhere to be the next day I would show up with a sugar free redbull for each of us. Because the sugar free kind is better and because red bull is (for people with hangovers.)

I remember writing an album and I remember us wreaking of cigarettes everytime we left Matt's house. I remember co writing a song about your ex and us shamelessly putting a height/ dick joke in there.

We didn't date this time. But dammit I wanted to.

I want to say it was winter of that year. That I came back defeated for the third and final time from her home. And there you were waiting for me as kind, brilliant and beautiful as ever. And I wanted you but I was too much of a coward to tell you. Because I didnt want to fuck this up. I didn't want to lose my favorite person.

So what did I do? In true bearded caucasian style I went full manifest destiny and ran off to Idaho. And in spite of the beauty of that place I missed the beauty I left at home. Within two months I was so fucking homesick for you I counted the days until I could buy a bus ticket back. And I remember calling to say I loved and missed you guys on Christmas.

I headed home in the middle of the week and started work the next. I think I might have texted you every hour of the day for the next 3 months until finally I said hey, let's go on an adventure. And that was that. I felt like this time. For the first time, you were actually gonna be mine. I remember scouring over the pinterest you had shared so graciously months before this full of wedding ideas and trying to come up with ways to pull it all off.

I concocted this terrible cliché lord of the rings derived plan and I'm so glad I never got to execute it because ,CRINGE.

You were so excited for your prom and I was kind begrudging my age cuz I knew I couldn't join you. You texted me the entire time you were getting your hair done and you sent me that flawless shameless selfie , looking like a dime and a half bombshell in that blue dress. I remember what it felt like to be the luckiest man alive.

Shortly after that. We called it quits.

I remember my grandfather passing. And I remember we swore we weren't gonna grow apart if we split up. I remember how upset I was that you had broken that promise. I remember how bad it hurt going through that alone.

It was several months before you started speaking to me again and even then I knew that there had been a shift in the wind. I felt that I could never feel the same again as I once did. Not because of betrayal or anger or any of the above. But because I wasn't able to bear the thought of losing you.

I was at Alicia's apartment when you called me sobbing. Someone,( I can't remember who.) Had passed away or gotten sick. This wasn't the diagnosis that came later. I promised I'd make time to come see you the following weekend after you begged me to stay put that evening. And you reluctantly agreed. I met with you at steak and shake and got to meet your new college friends. We drove around for an hour or so before you dropped me back off at my car and I followed you back to your dorm. You weren't feeling well and shortly thereafter went to bed. The next day you woke up worse but had things to do I believe you were working on a play or something at the time. I kinda paced around for most of the day looking for something to do. I got drunk and washed all your shower cleaner dishes . Your roommate said that was nice. You smiled.

Then the CVS trip that will live forever in infamy. Never did I think I could witness a grown woman in the floor of a drug store crying over a lack of soup. And I remember that never in my life had I loved you more than I did at that very moment. I give you shit about it all the time but what I wanted more than anything in that moment was to pick you up and carry you out of that store and to kiss you like the world could have ended and it would have been fine with me. We spent the rest of the evening drinking on the curb in front of your dorms. When you started to get sleepy you laid your head on my shoulder and leaned into me and it was all that I could do to maintain my position of "just friend". We went back inside and you left me watching the princess bride. You slept til almost noon the next day.

I was back in Henry before you hit me with that music video. You know the one.

No lie and it might sound corny but when you said you were going to work at Disney my initial thought was "as which princess". I was bummed that my favorite person had gone to live 6 hours away but I also knew you were living out a dream. When you hit me with that album release show I was thrilled. It was no question I was going to make it if it killed me.

Unfortunately, I decided to invite Turner. He wasn't really inconvenient to have there so much as I am just selfish when it comes to you. I was planning on leaving early in the day before the show however I was so excited to see you we left at midnight the night before . We drove all night and I remember I passed out before we could see you that night out of pure exhaustion The show was magical. And then it was off to the beach. I snagged us a really nice hotel room and some alcohol the next morning. We spent all day on the beach and got the sunburn of our lives.

Even without the excitement of the concert the winter trip was my favorite. Hours of driving aimlessly with you.....looking for a room. Because holidays. In Florida. Thank god for that rocket scientist who might have been one tenth as taken with you as I am snagging us a room. I wonder if he ever made it out the econolodge lobby to SpaceX. Then there was the kid at breakfast in the hotel lobby who was.... apparently.... very taken by my beard. A couple of continental waffles and stolen orange juice and it was back to the hotel room for improvised mimosas and binge Netflix. Somewhere in the drinking we both took a nap. I remember waking up with my arm draped over your waist. And how good it felt. And how I lingered just long enough for the guilt to set in. I took you home with you having a migraine the next day.

There's a big gap here. Us both living our own life. You know what happened next.

I remember the initial shock and panic before the official diagnosis. I remember you texting me with your jaw on the floor. I remember saying that everything was going to be okay. I remember trying to calm your nerves and being reassuring. I watched my best friend wither and I remember feeling powerless to help.

Then I remember her texting me before the Savannah trip. I remember her scared, not for herself but for you and the boys. She asked me to promise to take care of you guys if it came down to the worst. I told her how strong she was and how much I admired her and how much we and the boys loved her. And that everything was going to be okay.

I remember life making me eat those words.

I remember being a spiraling emotional shit.

I remember wrecking our friendship.

I remember pushing you away.

I remember feeling like shit.

But I remember feeling hurt.

And backstabbed.

And in the moment justified.

But most of all I remember letting her down.

And then you came back. We hashed our problems in a night and we were the old us again. Albeit just a bit different.

And this brings us to current day.

This isn't a complete picture.

It's not the entire story. It's just a few of the profound moments that stick out when I think about history.

I remember all of it. Bits and pieces. Triggered by sounds and smells, tastes and songs.

I love you in so many ways for so many unconventional reasons.

I love the way you smell like vanilla and smoke.

The way you sing.

The way you smirk when you know you have the upper hand.

The way you obsess over the romantics and space and bojack.

Most recently I remember stargazing with childhood telescopes and on the go improv icecream. I'll leave the nsfw for another time. But most of all I remember you saying that you liked me. As if you were realizing it for yourself for the first time.

If nothing good comes from this I hope I make you realize some things.

Mostly who you are again.

I dont think you're borderline at all .

I think you got so mired in other peoples expectations and needs you forgot who you were and how to be her.

My best friend loves reading. Tea. Yoga. Really corny love songs. Long drives and longer conversations. She loves the smell of honeysuckle and nice candles. She likes long baths , star wars, and all things nerd.

I love that you know every word to most Taylor swift songs and mock yourself for doing so.

So whether its Gordon musicals, chorus scavenger hunts, karate tournaments, or awesome concerts. I want to be here and share all of it with you.

That's where my heart is. That's the extent of my soulmating.

I've told you before I don't care if you end up with me. But please don't ever end up with someone who is going to make you feel like anything less than the best thing since sliced bees knees in cat pajamas.

If you're ever mine promise me it will be because I'm the best one for you. That nothing, and no one on this earth can bring you more joy than I can. Because that's what I want for you.

In my dreams I have married you hundreds of times. I have watched us grow old. I have seen our children playing in the back yard and have seen you smile like you haven't the faintest clue how to be sad. I've seen us wrapped up in sheets and tangled in each other. And I have seen us laughing until it hurts. I'm good enough with dreaming unless it's your dream too. You know where to find me if you need me. I'm gonna make this a living post. Itll be updated intermittently. Holidays, anniversaries etc. just a running Chronicle of the things we have done.

I hope if I ever make you mad you look to this and know that this is the me that I am. I'm frustrating and a lot. But I adore every last drop of you. Till the cows come home cabbage.

[shockerstopperz-blog]

Charity begins at home

I want to take the opportunity to clarify one of my stated intentions I placed a few years ago on the internet while I was still living on Long Island and dealing with extreme harassment.

I said that I was going to donate my vast empire, estimated to be at least $5 Trillion at the time, to charities.

Apparently I am now dealing with some believing that statement to be true.

First off, unless some miracle manages to take place in the future, I was 100% aware that it was more than likely based on the difficulties that I was experiencing, that not a single one of my business ideas would come to fruition.

Another example behind the comment of destroy my company.

When you are dealing with people that dont like you, and as such seek to take advantage of you or impede you, sometimes bending the reality of a situation could prove beneficial.

For example, the people sought to try to prevent me from being able to start my company, because then I will no longer need them for a job and therefore they would lose the opportunity to bully me to be friends with them so they could bully me to give them money. However, that being the case, what if I said I will destroy the company as a result of them bullying me. The reason they were harassing and bullying me was because of the company, so I am destroying it.

The message they wanted to send to me was that they were going to see to it that I never got to start my company unless I was going to be friends with them. My response was, I destroyed the company.

They also wanted me to know that they were going to see to it that no one hired me unless I was going to be friends with them to include make friends at work. My response was, since the people were only hiring me to bully me to be friends with them for when my company is hiring, I said I am no longer looking for work.

How could they prevent me from finding a job unless I was going to be friends with them if I was no longer interested in working?

Well, their response was to try to get people to force me to find a job, because me not working was not advancing their cause of bullying me to be friends with them.

They also wanted me to know that they were going to see to it that I never had money, just like they didnt have money.

My response was, they need to relax. For one, I was going to be donating all my money to charity, so who cares if I never had money as a result of not wanting to be friends with them?

The only thing worse than that is shit like Gordon Parschall wanting to suggest that he was going to see to it that they never hired me at Volunteers of America unless I was going to be his boyfriend and fuck him up his ass.

I mean, seriously? I am going to be giving away my entire empire and life’s work yet I must fuck you up your ass for some stupid job just to be able to build the empire I will be giving away?

Everyone knows that to get a hip-hop record deal in this country you need to be gay or publicly show your support for the gays.

A record deal is worth millions of dollars, and that I still passed on. Why people think I trash talk Eminem? Because if I want a record deal it is going to have to be through people like Eminem or associates of his.

As long as their attitude is, no record deal for me for dissing him, then that ends talk about me getting record deal. I only started putting out rhymes because people were suggesting it because of all the Soca and Dancehall artists that were always talking about me.

Apparently their opinion is, if you have stage performance and girls like you, then you could sell records and concert tickets.

Music as a career was never something that interested me. Except for summer and carnival season, only when I am bored I listen to music.

The point is, life is such that it is not always about what the reality is, but also about how you phrase your reality.

I could have phrased my reality as, the people would see to it that my company fail for not wanting to be friends with them, but instead I phrased it as, I will destroy my company than subject myself to bullying.

The only guarantee in life is that there is no guarantee.

The reason for clarifying my comment about donating my entire empire to charity has to do with the expectation of some people out here.

Some of these “homeless” people view some of these people as suckers or gullible.

Hit them with a sad story and they would do whatever it takes to help you out, even let you live with them instead of on the street.

Apparently some of these people that associate with Loaves and Fishes and Volunteers of America and City Rescue Mission wanted me to know to not want their assistance or bunk beds to sleep in if I would not be allowing some of their friends to live with me when I get my section 8 or have my own apartment again.

Sleeping on the street is just something I get to brag about, despite to them that was my punishment for not wanting to be friends with their friends so they could live with me when I get my own place.

The most recent one harassing me has been harassing me for over a year now.

The same guy who complained to me in a very displeased tone that “this is the second time I said hi to you and you did not answer me”.

I recently saw him, where my expectation of him was to tell me that this was the fifth time you passed me and did not say hi to me.

The first time he got on the bus in East Lansing, but I got off at the school.

The next time, he got on the bus in East Lansing, and he got off at the school where you could tell he was expecting me to get off and intended to engage or confront me.

It was kind of like he was expecting me to pass him and not say hi to him, so he was waiting for me to pass him and not say hi to him. I was going to Borders Bookstore in the Lansing Mall to buy a math book, where he was still standing there as that bus passed.

He is an older colored man where every time I see him he has a travel suitcase with him.

It is more than obvious that the mans intention is to try to bully me to let him live with me.

Think about that for a minute. This man is clearly mentally unstable and hence why he is probably homeless because people view him as a danger to them, yet he wants to threaten me with violence for not speaking to him.

The more important question here is, why is he not afraid of me? Well, obviously the man is angry that he has to be homeless while I have a place to stay yet I refuse to speak to him so he could also bully and threaten me if I would not let him come live with me.

Why is he not concerned that I might buy some irresistible food such as chicken soup from Boston Market, put twenty sleeping pills in it, then tell him, he might not want to eat so much of the baked potatoes because that might make him sleepy and tonight is the big game, I dont want him sleeping on me.

Maybe it is NBA finals or it is Monday night football.

The point is, wait for him to fall asleep thinking it is the potatoes then drag his ass to my tub then stick a knife in his chest then chop him up into little pieces and then throw him out piece by piece.

Why is it that this piece of shit that does not even like me wants to come live with me without fearing I kill him eventually?

But as I was saying, since I expect to donate all my hard work to charity, the least I could do is buy a car I like and see what kind of happiness I could create for myself.